03x02 - The Upper Hand

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

There are Grey-human
hybrids all over the Earth.

If anybody's up to
something, I'll know it.

I'm going away, Max, but you're special.

You're the only one
who can identify aliens.

I am the Alien Tracker.

I need to tell you something.

Joseph is a Grey alien.

I'm going to go on
another date with Joseph.

I'll find out what you
need to know, okay?

You and I are gonna save Earth together.

[LESTER NORTON'S "BECAUSE
I BELIEVE IN YOU"]

♪ I believe in the stars ♪

♪ That cover the sky ♪

- _
- ♪ I believe in the moon above ♪

Don't wander too far, honey. It's dark.

♪ I believe God made them ♪

♪ For you and I to dream on ♪

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪

[WATER BUBBLING]

[SCREAMS]

♪

[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]

[LAID-BACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

♪

I can't believe you're
friends with an alien.

How many limbs does he have?

Six, with razor-sharp teeth

- and a black tongue.
- Cool.

And he dips his pie in oatmeal.

He's a beast.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Get ready. You're about to meet
a real-life extraterrestrial.

[DOOR CLICKS]

What are you doing here?
I don't want visitors.

- Um...
- And you know that I hate bike lines

in my driveway dirt.

Aliens are always making jokes.

Come on.

I have a joke for you.
What has three heads

and has to get out of
my house and it's you?

- Us?
- Oh, you've heard it.

Wait, where is grumpy headscarf?

- She moved away.
- And left you here?

Oh, that's like cutting
off the head of a chicken

and watching its dumb little
body run into walls. [CHUCKLES]

I don't need Sahar,
and I'm not by myself.

I started an alien club.

- Hmm.
- This is Mari and Leo.

I have already forgotten your names.

- Mari.
- Leo.

We came here so you
could turn into an alien

and show them what you really look like.

This little sh*t monkey is bad enough.

I do not want two more
idiots chasing me around.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm not an alien.

- He's a liar.
- You're the liar.

Max isn't even his real name.

It's Giuseppe.

It's okay. My real name is Bishop.

Bishop?

I see why you keep that to yourself.

You leave me no choice.

[ZAPPING]

I have been looking for
that taser everywhere!

I should have known
this little pecker stole it.

Reveal your true self now, alien.

I want it back.

It heats my coffee in seconds. [GROWLS]

But if I take it, they will think I care

and may believe I am an alien.

I will wait.

It is only a matter of time

before this idiot zaps himself.

[YAWNS]

I knew he wasn't an alien.

We should go.

[DOOR CLICKS]

[LIGHT MUSIC]

♪

My name is Max, and I'm
the new Alien Tracker.

Humans spend their entire lives

believing they are special.

Even after they die, they
do everything in their power

to remain special forever...

tombstones, plaques,

old libraries with their names on them.

Not long ago, the
smartest minds on Earth

believed the sun revolved around them.

[LAUGHS]

- [ZAPPING]
- [MAX GROANS]

[LAUGHING]

♪

The truth is, most humans
are not special at all.

Ah.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[SCOFFS]

Hello, assh*le.
You are not special either.

I have Asta on my side,

and together we will find
out why you are here.

[LAUGHS]

Littering is a $50 fine.

I know that.

I'm... putting it in my truck.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

It's not littering if it's liquid.

Now I need to get another coffee.

Joseph is a Grey alien.

You can't go on another date with him.

It's not a date. I just have to sit
across from the guy at dinner

and keep him interested in staying.

That sounds like every
date I've ever been on.

Just long enough for Harry
to search his apartment.

But do you really trust Harry's plan?

What was his last plan again,
to destroy the Earth?

How'd that work out?
Uh, everything's still here.

D'arcy, I promise, you don't
have to worry about me, okay?

I'll be fine.

Okay, great, yeah.

I... I know you'll be fine
because I'm coming with.

I'm gonna be at the counter as backup.

No. No way.

Joseph will recognize you, okay?

And then he'll be suspicious.

Look, I didn't even tell my dad.

What if it gets dangerous?

Do you remember when you b*at
Laura Roberts at double Dutch

and she shoved your head into
the sand like an ostrich?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Not really.

Maybe.

That was third grade, though, okay?

I can take care of myself.

Asta, do you prefer a confetti cake

or a red velvet cake?

I think pie, because if you
are unable to finish it,

I'll eat it. [CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna regret asking, but why?

Oh, there is a beautiful
ritual on my planet

that whenever we send off a volunteer

on a su1c1de mission,

we prepare for them a last meal.

You're not going.

Bye, Harry.

I'll put pie.

I'm gonna be fine.

- I'm gonna be so good.
- No, you...

You know, you can trust me. I love you.

Houses in this neighborhood
are very desirable.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, that's great.
- Oh, yeah.

I know my stuff.

Hey. What's going on?

Well, I ran into Judy, and I mentioned

that we were putting
the house on the market.

And it turns out that she's a realtor.

Well, not... not fully, not yet.

I just... I keep failing the test.

But until I pass, my Aunt Barbara
lets me work with the clients

that she doesn't care about.

- Oh.
- Wow.

So you're... you're really
serious about this?

Yes, I told you.

And Judy's got some really good ideas.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

A-right, this way, folks. [CHUCKLES]

How do you guys feel about animal print?

Zebra?

I mean, obviously, these
couches are hideous.

No on that. All this trim is just ugh.

Obviously, you're gonna want to get rid

of the dead meat smell and...

are these real? No.

That's a good thing.
It's a teardown, really.

But we'll sell it, and then
they'll realize it later.

Do you guys have any signs
with cursive on them?

Like... like... like,
"Let's go jump in the lake,"

you know, or, like, "Great fun."

Light, light, light. You know?

Just open it up, get rid of that,

blow all this out, you know?

Make it one big kitchen.

Ooh! A pizza oven right here.

Popcorn machine's actually better.

It draws the eye.

You're gonna want to draw the eye.

Mm-hmm. Not those.

Yeah. You know, I'm just not sure

that it's the right time to sell.

- You know, the market and all.
- Oh, no. No, no.

The market's always strong
for a m*rder house.

- Mm.
- I'm sorry?

Oh, well, okay. Yeah,
technically, m*rder-su1c1de.

I don't know about "m*rder."

I mean, didn't the...
didn't the previous owner

just kind of slip and fall?

Yeah, she did. She got sh*t in the gut,

slipped and fell in her own blood,

and then she got two more to
the back execution style. Blam!

What?

Blam!

- Ben, don't you remember?
- Hmm?

You wrote a story
about it in first grade.

You drew all the pictures,
used up all the red crayons.

Mm, not ringing a bell.

Who got sh*t?

Some of the brown crayons too, remember,

because the lady sh*t her pants.

Okay, Max, can you upstairs?

I miss all the good stories.

You know, I...

I just think that we should
at least maybe talk about it.

Yeah, we did, just now.

I can't live here. Okay.

- So I'll do the listing?
- Yes.

And you guys get started
on the renovating.

Oh, you know what, though?

I wouldn't pull up the floorboards,

definitely not the ones in the basement.

Unless you guys like skeletons,
which some people do.

We can list it on Halloween.

- Boo!
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Come on.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Maybe we could just burn the house down

with me inside it.

I smell baked goods.

Yeah, the banana bread
is for Esther at the lab

to expedite the prints we
got from Peter Bach's van,

and the chocolate chip cookies

are for Maureen at the post office

to hurry the prints
to Esther at the lab.

And the blueberry muffins?

For Ben.

He likes them.

- And for you.
- Yes!

My grandmother's secret recipe.

The day I took it from her drawer,
she threw a toaster at my head.

She was tough, but she was also
why I went undefeated in dodgeball.

There's six blueberries in one half

and two blueberries in the other.

Was your oven on its side?

No thank you.

Also, Detective Torres called here
twice already looking for you.

Let... let's just get to work, okay?

Oh, no. You're not talking.

Are you ghosting her?

Ghosts talk, Deputy.

That's one of the main things ghosts do.

If somebody has something
to say and then they die

before they say it, they turn ghost.

They write on fogged-up mirrors.

They whisper in your ear
before you fall asleep at night.

They turn bathwater into blood.

Okay? That's communicating.

Okay.

Is there something you're
not communicating to Lena?

Get this, right... she planned
a trip for us next month,

all expenses paid by her.

First she's paying for dinners.

Now she's paying for entire weekends.

What's next? She gonna
give me her kidney?

Oh, not this again.

You're right, not this.

Because this conversation, it's over.

I'm bringing Ben his muffins

and I'm taking one of Esther's cookies.

Oh, the cookies are for Maureen.

Esther is the banana bread.

I don't care.

At least the chocolate
chips are evenly spaced.

♪

_

Here, Deputy Liv made you
some lopsided muffins.

Oh, I love these.

What's this?

You getting a pool?

Uh, I don't know.

Kate wants to sell the house.

I thought maybe if I put in
a pool, she'd want to stay.

You can count me out.

I don't swim in water
somebody else is tea-bagging.

I'm pretty sure we'd be
wearing bathing suits.

sh*t, water don't care.

You wrap a tea bag in a Speedo
and you put it in some water,

you still gonna get a cup of
tea that tastes like your nuts.

For that, and other reasons,
it's not an option.

I can't afford it.

Really?

Hmm.

Take off your shoe and sock.

- What?
- You heard me.

Go on and make your foot
naked. Let's see it.

I'm gonna say no.

Uh...

possible HR violation.

Yeah, that is a pretty foot.

You got yourself a dancer's arch.

Ooh, my, my, my, my, my.

You know what?

I got the answer to your problems.

You come see me after work.

Bring your feet.

♪

My people should not have given
up the Earth to the Greys.

They are ruthless,

but we have beaten them every
time we have faced each other.

[TENSE MUSIC]

I do not need the help of my people

to defeat a single Grey hybrid.

I will be very happy doing it by my...

- [DOOR CREAKS]
- All right.

[SIGHS]

Let's do this.

[EXHALES]

[GROANS]

I know this building.

I applied for an apartment here,
but I got turned down.

A Grey alien got in?

This is bullshit.

You stay here. You will be the lookout.

No way.

All these units are newly renovated.

I gotta see which one he got.

- Hmm.
- He probably has a steam shower

I need to take a sh*t into.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Holy sh*t. Can you fly?

If I could fly, why would I climb?

I mean, seriously.

Well, I can't do either.

♪

[THUDS]

Grab the rope and pull me up.

Oh, no, I missed.

Pull me up or I'll put a sign in the bar

that says Harry
Vanderspeigle kicks dogs.

I do not.

Who tells these lies?

Me, you idiot. I just made it up.

- Oh.
- And people will believe me

because you have a dog-kicking face.

I do not.

Pull me up or I'll make up worse.

[GRUNTS]

I do not have a dog-kicking face.

Throw it.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪

♪ I'm like a bandit ♪

♪ I steal kisses of hers ♪

- ♪ Late in the midnight hour ♪
- Wait. What are you doing?

[LAUGHS]

You're right.

Oh, my favorite.

- [GRUNTING]
- I'm sorry.

I'm having trouble looking out
of my dog-kicking face at you.

Best burgers in town.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTING] Jesus.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

♪ Sock it to me ♪

♪

[METALLIC CLANKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪

Hmm.

People really pay money for this?

Not if you keep moving.
You gotta stay still.

- I'm trying to get the angle right.
- I can't. Ow!

- Cramp. Cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp.
- Oh, use it. Go with that.

There's a whole section of
the website called Crampus.

Oh, God. No. Look, it's just too weird.

I know what you're doing.

You're trying to make it sound dirty.

It's not. It's not dirty.

Now spread your toes for me.

[SIGHS]

No shame in making money.

I mean, the root of essential
living is financial security,

independence.

Hey, a man's gotta take care
of himself first and foremost,

even if a woman inserts herself

and starts planning trips.

Lena planned an impromptu
vacation for the two of us.

And before you say, "So what,"

that's not the way it's supposed to be.

I'm supposed to be
the one initiating that.

Says who?

Now, that's very close to "So what."

Well, you're talking about roles,

and everyone in a relationship
has a role they play,

and it works...

as long as one of you doesn't
suddenly switch up the roles

after ten years so you have no
idea what's happening with her.

Okay, I feel like this is
no longer about me.

When I was eight,
my teacher had us write down

what we were doing for summer vacation.

I wrote, "Fear."

That's me. That's my thing.

Now, suddenly, Kate's afraid of birds,

and that scares me.

I mean, how am I supposed to
be the one hiding under the bed

when she's already there?

Well, let me lay a little wisdom on you.

A man's job is to take care
of his woman, full stop.

See, me, I'm old-school, right?

I like holding doors open.

Do I really want a woman

who's gonna lay her jacket over a puddle

so my pumps don't get wet?

Well, you're not married.

If you don't like her, break it off.

I do like her, a lot.

I mean, Lena's an amazing woman.

She's smart. She's beautiful.

She's got great taste
in tactical knives.

- Sure.
- Independent.

I actually like her independence.
I think it's kind of sexy.

Is it too much to ask for,
to find an independent woman

who only does what I want?

[SIGHS]

Wait.

What is this lump in your
foot? What is that?

Oh, it's been there since I was a kid.

Really? You might want
to get that looked at.

If that gets any bigger, that could
derail your foot modeling career

before it starts.

There's no section of the
website called Lump Foot.

Hey, I saw a light...

on.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

She don't know art.

Ah, yeah. See?

This is why I wanted a
place in this building...

brand-new appliances? I'm so pissed.

Would you focus your tiny brain?

Remember why we are here,

to find evidence and get
little drawings or notes

or anything out of the ordinary.

I'll tell you what's
out of the ordinary...

$600 microwave.

I had no idea aliens were so bougie.

We are not all alike.

[STAMMERING] That's r*cist.

You're right. I apologize.

How is your breed different?

Ooh, can I say "breed"?

All right, I'm still learning.

We are protectors.

The Greys, they...

[CHUCKLING]

The Greys, they are just cruel.

They should not even be here.

Their spaghetti bodies
and their meatball heads

only allow them to live in
the Earth's atmosphere

for a short amount of time.

That's why they created hybrids?

Yes. We have been here
for thousands of years.

We belong here. They do not.

See how easy it is to sound r*cist?

Mm.

Look at this.

Jack's pot!

That's just a pizza box.

I don't think it's filled
with alien secrets.

Well, maybe it's filled with pizza.

I'm hungry.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Wait, wait.

What if it's a trap?

Hmm...

♪

[GRUNTS]

♪

[SIGHS]

That was worth the risk.

I was upset our last date
got interrupted so quickly.

Yeah, me too.

Could have talked for hours.

I would have liked that.

We never got a chance to
talk about your mother.

Like I said, she wasn't around.

I lost my mother when I was a kid too,

so I can relate.

What an odd coincidence.

Look at us, just two
people with no moms.

[GRUNTS]

Really?

What if it's poisoned?

If it was poisoned,
it would have more flavor.

Anthony must have the night off.

It needs pepper flakes.

What idiot puts crushed
red pepper over there?

- [TENSE MUSIC]
- Harry, no!

[ZAPPING]

Ooh!

Oh, no.

The pizza's outside the trap.

[PHONE DINGS]

- _
- Oh, good. That's done.

We can drop the act now.

I know that you know that I'm what I am.

Yeah? And what is that?

You know.

♪

Why don't we both say at the same time

so I know what it is you think I know?

Okay, one, two, three.

- Grey alien.
- assh*le.

So both.

You will tell me everything
that you know about Harry.

And why would I do that?

Because I have him trapped.

Stupid cell phone companies.

They shut off my service again
just for not paying my bill.

I am done with them.

It's not the phone.

There is a Reticulan Photon Net.

And it... it's a pretty
nice one, actually.

Okay, well, if your people
are so superior,

why don't you just override it?

This is advanced alien technology.

You cannot just override it.

You have to construct a thin,
nonconductive plasma deflector

to interfere with the
complex magnetic field.

So there's nothing we can do?

We could unplug it.

- [SCOFFS]
- The magnetic perimeter

only confines the molecular
structure for alien life.

Humans can pass right through.

Well, why didn't you just tell me that?

- [CHUCKLING]
- [ZAPPING]

God, you said I could
walk right through it!

It was 50/50.

[SWINGING ROCK MUSIC]

♪

♪ I can't help falling ♪

Act normal.

I would hate for something
to happen to your father.

He makes a great hamburger.

Ow.

I said act normal.

That is normal.

I always kick my dates
when they lie to me.

Why don't you make this easy

and tell me why he is still in Patience?

He hasn't told me sh*t.

And even if he did, I wouldn't tell you.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Neither of you are in a position
to be making rules.

Oh, stop the bullshit.

I know you can't k*ll him

because it's against the
Galactic Charter thingy.

So he has been sharing information.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Well, you got me. I can't k*ll Harry.

But your friend is fair game.

See, I thought it was
just gonna be Harry,

but this one is a bonus.

If you hurt her, I will k*ll you.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪

- [BELL RINGS]
- Don't do anything stupid,

or people will die, understand?

Hey.

- Hey, I'm Jay.
- I'm busy, Jay.

Okay.

Nice work.

Asta is in trouble. Who is that guy?

The new deputy.

He's bad.

- Just go. I got it.
- I'm staying.

Jay, you go. I got it.

Fine.

[SWINGING ROCK MUSIC]

♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, sorry. I kept meaning
to call you back,

and then the day just got away from me.

Um...

look.

I've been thinking a lot about us.

I know that you're not thrilled

about me picking up a
check now and then.

And you're clearly not okay
with me taking you on a trip.

[CHUCKLES]

I like you a lot,

and I want you to be happy,
not uncomfortable.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

So I think that we should
just end this right now.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Oh.

- I see.
- Do you?

You are who you are, Mike,
but I am who I am.

And when I care about
someone, I show it.

I'm not gonna change who I am.

I have to set an example for my son.

No, I... I understand.

I was... I was looking
forward to meeting him.

Well, this is why you haven't.

♪

Take care, Mike.

♪

- [DOOR CLICKS]
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SIGHS]

[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC]

♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

♪

So I think we should sell the house.

You do?

If you do, yes.

Because I don't.

Oh, thank God.

I love this house.

I... I never want to leave.

I don't care if somebody d*ed in it.

- People die.
- People die.

I want to die here.

I want to die here with you.

I want to, you know, haunt this place.

You know, chop us up. Bury us
underneath the floorboards.

- I don't want that.
- No, me neither. Me neither.

So then what?

I don't know.

♪

I just don't feel right.

And at first, I thought
I didn't feel right here, but...

now I think it's just me.

You know, like... like a part of
me is missing or something.

Mm.

Maybe you just need to get out
of the house for a little bit.

You know, we can go somewhere.

A vacation?

I haven't been on a trip in a while.

Oh, and we have a long
weekend coming up.

We can go somewhere fun.

Oh, my God, I know the perfect place.

Me too: Yellowstone.

I was gonna say Paris.

Oh.

But yeah, Yellowstone.

♪ Another lonely night ♪

Thanks, honey.

♪

Damn it, I told Asta
your plan was stupid.

Now I'm trapped in here, no way out,

and Asta's stuck at the diner

- with some hybrid alien psychopath.
- My plan was stupid.

I am stupid.

I hate myself.

Oh, I didn't say all that.

You should have. I'm worthless.

I failed in my attempt to
destroy all of humanity,

and now I'm failing in
my attempt to save it.

I am nothing but a big,
stupid, human-shaped failure.

[SOBBING]

Yeah. Well, you know,
welcome to the club.

You're a failure too?

Yeah, I'm the biggest failure
in Olympics history, man.

Oh, right.

You had to eradicate a species.

All I had to do was ski down a hill.

Couldn't even get that right.

That's right, and you didn't even
make it down the mountain

because you fell.

Right.

Millions of people saw
you fail on television.

It's pretty stupid.

It seems like it should be easy
'cause skiing's mostly gravity.

Yeah, you know what?
You made your point.

Yes, that we are both failures.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Yes.

♪

Um, Harry, do you think it's possible

this Grey technology
is making us bigger?

- No.
- Cool.

Then this thing is closing in on us.

Oh, he got the new kind.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

You better tell me what you know.

Time is running out.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

Harry's real name is... Mork,

and he is from a planet called... Ork.

Okay, good.

Was that really so hard?

Mork.

I don't know this planet Ork.

Who does he report to?

A very powerful being.

I think his name is Orson.

- Orson?
- Yeah.

Orson. I think I've heard of him.

Mm-hmm.

You got to do something.

You're an alien.

I just watched you climb a wall.

Don't you have any other special powers?

Mm.

Even ET could levitate toys and sh*t.

He is so special.

ET could fly a bicycle.

ET had a flashlight for a finger.

Do you know what it is like
to be constantly compared

to that waddling sex doll?

Look, out of all the
aliens on your planet,

you're the one who was chosen

to come here and k*ll everyone on Earth.

They picked you.

That makes you special too. So think.

But they didn't pick me.

I volunteered 'cause
I knew I could do it.

But I couldn't do it. I failed.

No, you volunteered

because you knew you could do it.

That makes you special.

Yes, and you volunteered to do this.

Does that also make you special?

Yeah, I guess it does.

Maybe we're not failures.

Since I was a kid,
all I cared about, right,

was being the best skier in the world.

You wanted to k*ll
everyone in the world.

- Mm-hmm.
- Those are big goals.

And stopping the Greys,
that is no small thing either.

We're not stuck in here
because we're failures.

We're in here because no
one else would even try.

Yes. I'm not a failure.

I am special.

[ZAPPING]

Oh. Oh.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I'm special too, right?

Yes, you are special.

Do I really have a dog-kicking face?

No, no, no.

[DOOR CLICKS]

See? I told you. Alien technology.

Thank God.

What are you doing here?
Did you follow me?

No, I've been tracking you,

because I'm the Alien Tracker.

How did you get past security?

His fortress is impenetrable.

Door was unlocked.

Son of a bitch.

Who cares?

Max, unplug this thing.

I will, if you tell them
you're an alien.

Then we are both going to die

- because I am nothing but a dumb human.
- Ugh!

Max, unplug this, or when I die,

I will haunt the sh*t out of you.

I don't care. I like ghosts.

I don't. She's scary
even when she's alive.

He's not an alien.
I knew Max was a liar.

All right, take it easy, Bishop.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Fine. I am a human.

Obviously.

But the person who lives
here is an alien, obviously.

And the reason that you were
able to track down his lair

is because you, Max,
are the Alien Tracker.

[ZAPPING]

- Wow.
- Cool.

And this Mindy person,
what's her role in all this?

[PHONE DINGS]

No, no. Damn it.

What's the Grey word for screw-up?

Oh, or is it just Joseph?

Well, I still have you.

Just smile like nothing's
wrong and get up.

We're walking out of here.

- [EXHALES]
- Get out. She stays.

You have no idea what
you're dealing with.

Oh, no. You're an alien?

You think I give a sh*t?

You can't swing a dead cat in this town

without hitting an alien.

Double Dutch that, Laura Roberts.

Is she the one that dunked
your head in the sand?

What? Uh, I don't know.

- Maybe. Can't remember.
- [GROANING]

Don't worry, folks.

He had too much to drink.

[FOLK ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Here I was wasting all my time ♪

Hi, sir.

Bad news from the lab.

No hit on the fingerprints.

I really thought we had
something this time.

On the bright side, Esther
loved my banana bread.

It didn't go so well with Maureen.

Her dog ate the whole plate of cookies,

had to have her stomach pumped.

- But she'll be okay.
- Poor dog.

No, Maureen had to have
her stomach pumped.

Sorry, I... I forgot the part
about her OD'ing on Vicodin.

You okay?

If you must know,

Lena and I have decided
to just be friends.

Oh, no.

I said I'm fine, Deputy.

Well, you can't just sit here
by yourself being sad.

Come to dinner.

I'm making John's favorite.

- What are you having?
- Turkey meatloaf.

[SCOFFS] Hard pass.

♪ Ooh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

[SNORTS]

You're funny when you sleep.

This is you.

[IMITATES SNORING]

- You didn't tie me up.
- Oh, I was going to.

But then I thought, hybrid
Greys would be very strong.

You would break your restraints,

and then you would have
probably broken my chair.

Then I would have to fight you.

And because I am also strong,

I would throw you across the room.

- [BOTH SHOUTING]
- [MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

And then you would
break my refrigerator.

[CLATTERING]

And the refrigerator repairman
would probably be overly talkative.

Well, my real passion is photography.

I've... I got a film camera,

which is drastically
better than digital.

I... I like nature photography.

Do you like nature?

I sometimes go on hikes,

and I sh**t the things that I see.

I like the chipmunks.
They're really cute.

People seem to like the photos
of the chipmunks, you know.

My... my mom really likes
the... the chipmunk photos.

[GROANS]

I have an alternate scenario, if I may.

Go ahead.

We fight.

You're strong, but I am stronger,

and I throw you across the room.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

And then I step on
your stupid alien head

and I k*ll you.

Except I bite you!

- [GROWLING]
- [SCREAMING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[CACKLES]

But the refrigerator repairman
also works for the glass company.

I've sh*t at all the national
parks in Colorado...

Mesa Verde. Rocky Mountain.

Of course, Sand Dunes.
Sand Dunes is my favorite.

I only sh**t on film.

Did I... did I mention that?

I find it's drastically better
than... than digital.

I do have to develop my
own film in my darkroom.

But my mom's just upstairs,

so sometimes, she brings me snacks.

I did go with my mom a few
years ago to... to Four Points.

It's where the four states touch.

I took a photo of her there.

In every situation, I just end up
with a lot of sweeping to do

and learn more than I need
to about film photography.

Now, what are the Grey
aliens doing here on Earth?

If I told you, you wouldn't understand.

I would understand better than you.

You're a hybrid. You are half-human,

which means you're half-stupid.

I am two halves not stupid.

Yet neither of your halves
knows the Greys' plans,

and my half does.

Not the part about the trees.

[CHUCKLES] It knows all about the trees.

Aha! [LAUGHS]

There is no part about the trees.

I made that up.

There's a part. A whole tree thing.

A whole pine and birch scenario.

They have not told you
anything, have they?

You are nothing to the Greys.

You're a circus monkey
that does tricks for food.

What if I am? What if
I don't know anything?

Why are you so happy about it?
I was your only hope.

If I don't know anything,
your mission has failed.

And so has yours. You have
to leave Patience now.

Oh, why is that?

Because I do not like your square face.

And if you do not leave,

I will tell the Greys how many
humans know you're an alien.

Three of them are children.

I do not think they will let you live.

I will leave when I want to leave.

Lucky for you, I want
to leave right now.

[QUIRKY, TENSE MUSIC]

♪

You're leaving because
I told you to leave.

Uh, no. I just happen to
want to leave so badly

that I don't care about staying
just so you don't think

that I'm leaving because
you told me to leave.

The only thing I understood
in that was "leave."

I'm leaving.

[CHUCKLES]

♪

Go ahead.

I do not even care about that one.

[GROANS] It was my favorite.

♪

[PHONE RINGING]

Ugh.

Hello.

Haven't heard from you
for a couple of days.

How's everything going?

Oh, I have it all under control.

Too much good to say in one phone call.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[SIGHS]

You're not gonna tell him
about the Darling Project?

That's strictly need to
know, and he doesn't.

You can go.

_

When someone you love
is taken away from you,

everything changes.

It is a loss that
stays with you forever.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪

When I came to Earth, I was unique.

I was superior.

But living as a human
is making me weaker.

I am not two halves smarter now.

♪ Hitch up your saddle, boy ♪

♪ It's nothing ♪

Humans do stupid things all the time.

[GASPS]

♪ All those things I told you ♪

♪ Still ringing in your head ♪

It is like their national sport.

♪ Shake that dust off your boots ♪

♪ And tip your hat to the wind ♪

Joseph is right.
I have failed my mission.

I have failed to find out why he's here.

I wasted precious time on
him and put Asta in danger.

I am not special. I am a...

Hey, are you busy?

Yes, I'm in the middle of a thought.

Failure.

What do you want?

Well, I was hoping that you
could take a look at my foot.

No, sorry, I do not have
internet foot kink money.

No, no, as a doctor.

See I... see, I have this bump,

and, yeah, it's probably nothing,

but I just want to get it checked out.

Where did you get this?

Oh, I don't know. I've
had it since I was a kid.

Oh.

I do know.

This embedded chip means
he has been abducted by Greys.

I have been trying to learn what
the Greys are doing on Earth,

and perhaps the answer has been

in Mayor Snowflake's foot all along.

I need to hypnotize you.

To determine the origin
of this disfiguration.

Can't you just remove it?

Yes, but we're out of anesthetic.

Hypnosis is fine.

Listen only to the sound of my voice.

When you wake up, you will
remember nothing of this.

But you will still pay me for the hour.

Now, tell me everything
that you remember

from your last abduction.

There was...

a lot of floating.

Floating down a hallway.

I'm cold. I hate it here.

Oh, God, I feel sick.

Okay. I don't care about... about that.

Tell me something I can use.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

I'm passing a...

[TENSE MUSIC]

I'm passing a doorway.

What's through the doorway?

I don't know. I think there's a...

I think there's a map.

What is on the map?

Mm.

[STAMMERING] I can't... I can't see it.

I... oh, God, I'm scared.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

Please, I... I gotta get out of here.

I don't want to be here.
I want to go home.

I need you to listen to me.

This is important.

Just tell me what you see.

- What do you see?
- [WHIMPERS]

I need to know what these
beings are doing on Earth.

There's all these shoes.

There's all these children's shoes.

Oh.

There's... there's something.

It's a... a souvenir maybe?

A snow globe that says...

♪

Yellowstone.

Yellowstone?

[EXHALES]

Yes.

When I snap my fingers,

you will wake up and you
will remember nothing.

In three, two, one.