03x08 - Dismissal/School Plays

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies...

Insane teachers...

Aaah!

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible--

Create a guide that will help

You survive school.

[Bell ringing]

Man: ♪ coming up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive it no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Escaped detention and a bunch of bullies tried to stop me ♪

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

It's the most glorious sound ever heard...

[School bell rings]

[All cheering]the dismissal bell.

But the day's not over yet,

And if you mismanage those minutes from bell to bus,

It can make your night or weekend miserable.

If you've got a long ride home, make a quick pit stop

To avoid the painful bus bladder bumps...

Or a not-so-quick pit stop.

And dismissal time is a great de-stressing time.

[Knock knock knock]

So get to the bus early to relax, unwind, and think happy thoughts.

[Thinking] hmm. I'm happy.

And it's a good idea to have a dismissal checklist,

To make sure you don't forget your...

And whatever else you may need.

Put the list on your locker door.

What happened to my list?

What happened to my locker?

Surprise! I moved in!



♪ Whoa

You agreed to it yesterday.

We were at the snack area.

So, what do you think about me moving into your locker?

Yeah! That sounds great!

Don't you remember?

So, what do you think about me moving into your locker?

Yeah...sounds great.

Uh...

So, this will be our main locker,

And I moved a bunch of stuff upstairs to our vacation locker.

Ok. Well, I have to get my stuff so I can check it off my list,

Which isn't here anymore.

Relax. You'll have plenty of time

To check off your cute little list.

Here's our combination.

Isn't this great?

Why is there always a line

For the girls' bathroom and not the boys'?

[Toilet flushing]

You know, there's no line for the girls' bathroom downstairs.

[Girls screaming]

[Muttering]

[Thinking] ah! Cookie time.

A time to wind down and reflect.

Math was hard today.

Why won't lisa chase me like she used to?

Cheese sticks just may be the perfect food.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The world's most evil thing--

Evelyn kwong.

She's evil!

"Evilyn."

Heh! I'm funny.

I heard sweeney's giving a pop quiz tomorrow!

You should get your science books! There's still time!

[All screaming]

[Panting]

Still missing my science book and my tips.

My tips. Where are my tips?

Hmm.

The boy looks confused and disheveled,

Which can only mean suzie moved in.

I like suzie, but I like my own locker.

I'm conflicted. Help.

You can't let suzie take control

You need your manly space,

And you need to make that manly-ly clear.

I need to find my science book

And my tips and get to the bus on time.

Oh, but thanks to suzie's rearranging, that can't happen!

Hmm. Well, you also need to add one more thing to your list.

"Be a man."

Man, on intercom: minutes till the buses leave.

Minutes till the buses leave.

[Toilet flushing]

Why are we subjected to a life of waiting in bathroom lines?

What are we going to do?

It's not like we're guys.

[Thinking] cookie grabs his science book,

But can he make it to the bus on time?

He's off!

You kissed me!

Oh! You got to come out of there eventually!

Hey, I was just putting my checklist up,

And have you seen my science book and tips?

You don't want to share a locker?

No, no, I do. I love it.

I just can't find my science book and tips.

Oh. Well, they're right here, ready for you to take home.

There were more. I had more tips.

Oh, I threw some out.

[Gasps] just the bad ones.

I mean, "never drink orange soda before math"?

It was a theory I was working on!

I can't find my science book, and I can't miss the bus, you know!

[Deep voice] what's up, fellas?

[Indistinct] oh, yeah!

Going to the boys' room.

Headed to the boys' room. All right, ladies.

Hey.

Moze?

What?

There's a girl!

Girl!

[All laughing]

You think it's funny?!

That we have to wait in line forever

And they get to go whenever they want?!

[Neck cracks]i didn't think so!

♪ Making a run to the dumpster, baby ♪

♪ I'm making a run to the dumpster-- ♪

Aah!

Found them!

Orange soda can affect how you do in math!

I think.

Suzie's right. This is a lame tip.

Are you still sharing her locker?

Sorta. Now I got to find that science book,

Which mysteriously disappeared after suzie moved in.

You got to find your independence and fast...

[Cell phone rings]

Before she has you bringing her her jacket

And delivering snacks to her and--

It's suzie.

"Can you bring me my jacket

"And a snack from the vending machine?

I'll meet you outside. P.s. Have a surprise for you."

Oh, yeah?

Well, I've got a surprise for her, too!

♪ I made a run to the dumpster, baby ♪

[Cookie whimpering]

[Gasps]

I kissed evelyn by accident.

Oh!

[Blows nose]

She's out there waiting to rip my lips off!

Help me!

Ok, I got a plan, but it's going to cost you.

I'm talking greenbacks, cold cash.

Dead presidents.

I got $..

Aaah!

Aaah! Please don't rip my lips off!

What do you want from me?!

We're going to miss the bus!

I'll stay here all night if it means destroying you!

I need my man space.

I don't need a vacation locker.

I can't find my science book!

Then why did you say sharing a locker sounded great?

Are you crying? Please don't cry.

Here.

You said you couldn't find it, so I went looking.

It was in the science class.

[Donkey braying]

I do think it's great that you're moving in.

Please don't cry. I'll put your stuff back.

Really?

I just needed time to get used to things,

And what do you know? Minutes was enough time.

I'll put your stuff back in our locker.

Oh, wait.

You forgot one thing.

Now go. You'll miss your bus.

[Birds twittering]

Bus leaves in two minutes.

Oh!

[Toilet flushing]

Are we going to take this?

Are we going to stand in line for minutes,

Suffer, and accept this bathroom disparity?

No!no!

Mosley's right.

I have to pee,

And I'm not going to take it anymore.

To the boys' room!

[Battle cry]

To the stalls!

[Battle cry]

Ok, that's enough!

You don't hate me.

You fear me.

What? I do not! You're deranged!

I'm the only one who challenges you at school,

Without me, you're lost in a sea of academic disparity.

You want a piece of me?

Come and get it.

You drive me crazy.

Suzie's staying.

I couldn't go through with it.

I can't check "be a man" off my list...

But I can check off "science book."

Well, then you did learn something

About being a man, neddie.

I did?

Mm-hmm. A man always make sure

That his woman is happy.

That's our job,

Because when she's happy, you're happy,

And you get kisses.

[Sighs]

To the buses!

[Battle cry]

Oh, and you have seconds to catch the bus.

Run, boy!

Run!

Made it!

Yeah!

♪ It's so hard to get it

♪ Whoa

Minutes till curtain!

Minutes! Go!

The school play. Every school puts one on,

And if you have the acting bug, it's a great place to start.

Oh, aren't her eyes more--

Simone! I am telling you again,

You did not get the part.

Spencer is playing romeo.

You are working the lights. Go!

Yes. Act.

In a few minor minutes,

I shall seduce the audience with my romeo

And lay a kiss upon...my...juliet.

Hey.

And a lot of the fun happens behind the scenes,

So get involved, make friends, and have a blast.

Ned: you could try your hand at lighting and effects...

[Screaming]

Or get involved in wardrobe and costumes.

The stage manager makes everything run smoothly,

And stage hands put everything in the right place.

Move the tree two feet that way.

Back again.

She is the stage manager!

What she says goes!

If that makes you jealous, then you must be dying

About the big balcony scene kiss.

Ned: nah, I've seen them practice it in rehearsal.

It's just an air kiss.

The air kiss was for rehearsal.

But when the big curtain goes up and we hit the balcony scene,

It's smooch city. [Making smooch noises]

It's just acting. Don't be jealous.

Be jealous.

Be very jealous.

♪ Whoa

[Applause]

Alas, that love whose view is muffled still...

You saw him.

He's going to try and steal suzie with his kiss.

Quiet. The play has started and you can't stop him now.

It's never too late.

I'm ned bigby and I never say never.

You just said it, times.

Right.

Don't mess up this play and try and stop that kiss.

We have worked our butts off for weeks on this thing,

And I will stop you.

I would never do that.

Got to stop spencer from kissing suzie.

And alack! I should be on that stage.

Where shall we die?

Cookie: I'm clearly a superior actor to spencer.

I nailed that audition.

Oh, aren't their eyes more peril in thine eye than in ?

Swords!

Alack again!

Alack, alack!

Like it, like it like that!

Director: thank you...

I think.

Ok, enough about you

And more about me stopping that kiss.

Cookie: but romeo always kisses juliet.

And, alack, I should be romeo.

What if you were?

If spencer met with, say, an accident,

You could take his place,

And your kiss won't steal suzie from me.

Duh.

And a thousand times the worst to want thy light!

Oh! Oh, the light is too bright--

Director: oh! Emergency intermission!

We'll be back shortly!

Don't go away!

[Babbling]

Director: what can we do?

Spencer is cuckoo!

My play is ruined!

[Crying]

Like, I shall play romeo!

He knows all the lines,

And he has his own costume.

What the heck? You're in.

[Air horn blows]

Wait! Spencer's back!

You're out.

Romeo?

Is it time for the kissing scene?

Not yet. Go.

My dear.

At what o'clock tomorrow shall I send for you?

At the hour of !

What are you doing?

My job. As stage manager,

I'm supposed to put on the best play possible.

And spencer onstage, not cookie, is the best.

But he's after suzie,

And I will do everything

To stop him from kissing her.

And I belong on that stage!

And I will do everything to protect this play.

Both: then I guess it's on.

It's been on.

Spencer: o, blessed, blessed night.

I am afeard, being in night.

It is all but a dream,

Too flattering sweet...

So sweet to rest.

Hence...

Will I to my ghostly father's cell,

My hap to tell.

Spencer: would I were sleep and peace?

The log swings in, knocks spencer offstage...

And, alack, I take his place in the starring role.

...that never had to move.

But, soft...

Time for plan gordy.

Hide, fair romeo,

For our love must remain a secret.

Spencer!

Spence, I'm a big-time hollywood movie producer from hollywood.

I like your stuff, kid. You're going to be big, big, big!

I've got a big-time hollywood limousine waiting for you outside

To take you to hollywood!

I am romeo,

And my passionate kiss of suzie will be no more,

For hollywood beckons!

[Whimpering]

We will have another short intermission.

Uh, visit the bake sale counter!

And moze is nowhere to be found.

Heh heh heh heh! You guys owe me big-time.

Oh, my gosh, it's you! I'm your biggest fan!

You can't leave in the middle of the show!

I'll just die! Die, I tell you! You're the tops!

Hollywood...must wait!

[Sighs]

Simone! This show must go on!

And with me, and not cook!

The balcony scene's up next.

Director: ok! It is time for the big, romantic kiss scene!

And then it is time to bring down the house!

Ha ha ha!

And it will be a kiss that the audience

And suzie will never forget.

Ok, I get it.

We got to get a plan fast.

Loomer, buzz, put the horse costume on, now.

I don't want the rear--

I want the head.

Both: we've got to get in that horse costume.

Ned: ok. When loomer and buzz round this corner,

We jump them, grab the costume, then stop that kiss.

Ned: now!

[Clattering]

Loomer: ha ha ha!

That was fun! Ha ha ha!

I'll give you bucks for the horse costume.

Ok, we're back.

Where is my horse?

[Ned neighing]

Ok, romeo will lead you to the balcony.

Then stay there until he kisses juliet

And rides you off.

Hello, my handsome steed.

[Snorts]

Do you see how she leans her hand upon her cheek?

Oh, how I wish I were a glove upon that--

[Neighs]

What are you doing?

Suzie: romeo, wherefore art thou, romeo?

I have to kiss suzie now. Let's go.

Ned: not on my watch, chief!

What is loomer doing out there?

Ha ha! Bucks!

Oh, no.

Suzie: romeo, romeo, wherefore art thou, romeo?

I am coming, my dear.

Climbeth the laddereth-- heh heh--noweth!

I'm getting dizzy.

Cookie: I can't hold on!

Aah!

[Snorting]

All right! You want it? Let's go! Come on!

[Whinnying] let's go!

Whoa!

[Gasps]

[Screaming]

[Crashing]

[Microphone feedback]there will be another short intermission.

Hey!

We brought the house down.

Suzie! I'm really sorry--

You are really lucky you're cute.

Moze, remember,

The show must go on.

[Crying]

[Ambulance siren]

Oh, I don't like that look.

You ruined the play!

And you crushed my two lead actors!

So I guess the show won't go on.

Oh, it's going on,

And you're going to finish it.

And I suppose you'll want me to play the lead role?

You could say that.

As I climbeth this laddereth,

Upon you a kiss I shall place.

Oh, romeo!

Yep, it'll be a kiss the audience will never forget.

[Audience laughing]

♪ Why'd you make it so hard to get it? ♪

Idiots!

Wait! I'm not there!

Now I'm there.

We made it!

Yeah!

Ha ha ha!

And it's a good idea to have a dismissal checklist.

Sm...[Raspberry]

When we hit the balcony scene--

[Sneezes] eww.

[Laughter]

Bad...

[Laughing] I'm sorry.

Oh, but, soft...

What light through--ow.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!