03x09 - Revenge/School Records

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies...

Insane teachers...

Aah!

And gross school lunches,

Ned bigby--that's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible--

Create a guide that will help

You survive school.

[Bell ringing]

Man: ♪ coming up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive it no doubt

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'm

♪ Escaped detention and a bunch of bullies tried to stop me ♪

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And i...

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

[Girl screams]

Here's a little story about revenge.

All right, take your seats for homeroom.

Unh!

[Laughter]

Sorry, bigby! Ha ha ha!

[Bell rings]

Ha ha ha!

[Bell rings]

[Laughter]

Sorry, bigby. Ha ha ha!

[Bell rings]

Heh!

Aah!

[Laughter]

Mr. Loomer,

I will not tolerate destruction of school property

In my classroom.

Report to the office.

[Laughter]

They say revenge is the pleasure of a little and narrow mind.

Yeah, but that was awesome!

Mosely! In the gym, now!

But I have math next.

Well, we play buchanan tonight,

And they're looking for revenge

After we destroyed them last year!

I wrote passes for the whole team to get out of class

All day!

Move!

Move!

My sources found out that we're having a pop quiz in math

On logarithms.

So you'd better study your logarithms.

Logarithms!

Ha ha ha!

First, she beats me up,

Now she's kissing me and helping me?

What's going on?

She's either crazy or in love...or both.

Logarithms!

Probably both.

I'm happy to announce a new ringer to the team.

Say hello to sheila.

Hey. Welcome to polk.

You're just in time to help us destroy buchanan.

Destroy? I don't think so.

The buchanan boll weevils are an amazing team,

With a great defense and k*ller spikers.

She's right. The boll weevils are a great team,

And we're not gonna b*at them with a pep talk!

Do I know you from somewhere?

No. Definitely not.

Let's play some volleyball!

Hah!

Whoa! Sorry about that, big fella!

[Grunting]

So I tell misty the qwerly family has the gift of gab.

My mom says I have a treasure chest of gab, and--

Ow!

Then she puts tape on my mouth, and...

I want revenge.

Why are you coming to me?

Because of the way you got loomer back.

You know how to get even.

You're like the revenge boy.

Our man, the revenger!

[Fanfare plays]

Ok, I'll help,

But only because missy is really mean,

And I love that music sting.

I wrote it myself.

[Fanfare plays]

[Fanfare plays]

[Grunting]

Here is surprise pop quiz on algorithms.

Algorithms? You said logarithms.

Oops. Sorry.

I'm sure you'll do fine... Or fail!

Ha ha ha!

I don't get it!

One minute she kisses me,

And then she tricks me.

Eh. That's what love is.

So crowley tells me you're the revenger?

I know it's goofy,

But missy got what she deserved.

[Thud]

An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind.

Aah!

Sorry. Just getting warmed up for the big game.

I can't wait for the team I despise to lose!

Think she's trying to k*ll me.

What makes you say that?

Call it a hunch.

Evelyn tricked me. I failed my math quiz,

And my grade point average dropped . Of a point.

But I've come up with the perfect revenge.

Water balloons? Water balloons?

[Gasp]

Ugh.

You...think he'll understand that was an honest mistake?

Me, neither.

See what happens when you mess with revenge?

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna let this revenger thing go to my head,

No matter how many kids want my help.

[Kids talking at once]

One at a time!

That kid keeps tripping me.

And spencer called me ugly

And stole the love of my life!

My underwear is wet!

Mike threw me in the shower after gym.

Guys, I'm sorry. I can't help.

I'm not the revenger. I'm just ned.

But I remixed the theme music.

[Music playing]

And we worked on some character designs.

The umbrella was my idea.

[Clatter]

[Cat screeching]

[Glass breaks]

Aah!

[Laughter]

Aah!

[Blows whistle]

Whoa! Aah!

[All groaning]

Oops.

I was just polishing the floor for the big game!

Yeah!

Well...

I'm glad to see this revenger thing

Hasn't gone to your head.

Told you not to worry.

I think this girl sheila sabotaged the team.

Everyone's hurt,

And we don't stand a chance against buchanan.

Sounds like a job for... The revenger.

I will get revenge on evelyn if it's the last thing I do,

But first, I need a towel.

Sounds like a job for... The revenger.

Look at you two.

You're living proof that seeking revenge makes you crazy!

Crazy for more revenge!

[Laughing]

I want revenge against lance widget.

Out of my way, moron!

What did he do to you?

Let's just say he turned my entire world upside down.

[Fanfare plays]

I'm sorry I lied to you about the quiz,

And I learned something.

I'm a jerk,

Especially since you did nothing to get revenge.

Once again, you proved yourself

To be the amazing man that I must kiss.

Whoa! Evelyn!

Evelyn! Wait!

Aah!

[Gasp]

I learned something today, too.

Revenge is bad.

And--and you like me. Remember?

You like me.

Not anymore!

Right.

[Growl]

The buchanan boll weevils will be here soon,

And since most of us were injured

By the polished floor accident,

It looks like it's up to jennifer and sheila and...

You benchwarmers and...

We're doomed!

Yes!

I mean...oh, darn.

What is your deal?

Do you want the boll weevils to win?

I'll give you a hint.

Boll weevils b*at you. Boll weevils bite you.

Boll weevils, boll weevils, boll, boll, boll!

Can I have another hint?

Ohh.

Now I know who you are!

You were the main spiker for the boll weevils last season.

And I swore revenge on polk

For keeping us out of the state finals,

And I'm about to have it

When I play badly and polk loses.

But you were their best player.

Without you on the team,

The boll weevils don't stand a chance.

Ouch!

Guess I hadn't thought that one through.

You were so consumed with revenge,

You abandoned your team.

Think they'll understand?

I'm guessing no.

[Sheila screaming]

Out of my way, moron!

Once lance steps into my trap,

It'll be his world that'll be turned upside down.

Great. That'll teach him

To take a bite out of my cookie without asking.

What?

He took a bite out of your cookie?

That's all he did?

It was chocolate chip!

I was devastated.

What is your problem?

My problem is, I got crazy with the revenge,

And I almost hurt an innocent person because of it.

But he ate my cookie!

That's it. Moze was right.

No more rope traps, tape webs, wet pants.

Most importantly,

No more the revenger.

Wait!

You're the revenger?

You're the one who did that to me?

And me? And me? And me?

Yes, but I learned that revenge is bad

And it can only lead to bad things

And--unh!

Unh!

All: yeah, he's right.

The revenger is no more!

Are you guys gonna let me down?

Not a chance.

No, I don't think so.

Let us all get a smoothie!

Ned, voice-over: so when it comes to revenge,

There's only one big tip.

Don't seek it.

It's just a vicious circle where nobody wins.

[Screaming]

Ned: everyone leaves some kind of mark on middle school.

Moze has been breaking athletic records since the sixth grade.

But if sports aren't your thing,

There are plenty of different records to break.

That's why I'm about to break

The indoor hallway speed record

Of miles per hour--

Unofficially, of course--

On the modified mop bucket slingshot.

Cookie.

Cookie!

Yes!

No!

Ooh!

Ned bigby.

Bigby?

Absent.

Lisa zemo.

Here!

Coconut head.

Here!

Martin qwerly.

Here, and great tie, mr. Sweeney.

Oh. Thank you.

Simon nelson-cook.

Cook?

Not here.

Now, I don't want a peep out of anyone.

I've got work to do.

I'm sorry. Really sorry.

I was just trying to set a new record.

You did. You now have the biggest...

Permanent record record.

Do I get a plaque?

Laugh now, bigby, but this permanent record

Will follow you to high school,

And the faculty and principal

Will be gunning for you.

I don't start with a clean slate?

Ok! Now, that was funny.

Just in case you didn't know, like me,

Your permanent record follows you to high school!

What did I do that was so bad?

Let's see.

Misuse of cans for the canned food drive.

Instances of the ned bigby classic,

The collapsing table.

And who could forget what brought you here today?

Running me over.

Unh!

Part of me is gonna miss this file.

It's a page-turner.

But starting next year,

All files will be kept on computer.

And paper...

Will dance with the paper smasher.

Is that thing cool or what?

Moze, congrats on the new volleyball record.

Nice!

I'm not done yet.

Years ago, jen skor set the record with girls sports records.

Now we're tied.

If I set one more record,

I'll set the record for most school records.

I've got to get rid of my record for biggest permanent record.

You know that record follows you.

High school teachers will hate you before they even know you.

High school will be t*rture.

But I've got a plan for crubbs

To get rid of my biggest permanent record record.

You're gonna suck up?

Oh, big time.

Well, mr. Cook,

I see you made it in today.

But your perfect on-time record is over.

What do you mean? I was in homeroom today.

How could you have been there if I never saw you?

[Gibberish]

I was there. My record can't be over.

I hold a school record, too,

And I am never wrong.

So my record says your record is over!

Heh heh!

Ok! The record is feet.

Let's see what you've got!

It's a new record!

I knew we should have done this outside. Gah!

Special delivery!

For moi? I love pie.

It's the least I can do to thank my guide,

My teacher, my mento.

It's mentor, and listen.

I like the pie, but I don't take bribes--

Unless they're really big ones.

Bribe? No bribe.

If you really want to improve your bad record,

Do some good deeds.

Try yinning instead of yanging.

Take a drive in the karma cruiser

Down the golden rule brick road.

And by that, you mean....

Instead of collapsing tables,

Try cleaning some.

Instead of bowling with cans,

Collect them for the food drive.

Help an old lady cross the street.

Comprendo?

That will reduce my record?

It might, bigby. It just might.

But he was there, mr. Sweeney.

He was just listening to his headphones.

He was definitely there.

I remember talking to him like crazy

And thinking he's a real good listener,

Then feeling slightly hurt when I saw that he had headphones on--

And I never lie, and simon was there.

Well, I'm never wrong, and I say he wasn't.

Oh!

Cook's record is done.

Unless you all have a time machine to take me back.

No!

Wait.

Yes!

Bucks says he wants us

To help him build a time machine.

Exactly!

I did it! I have records!

Wow! Too bad.

One more, and you would have broken ken bigg's all-time polk record

For most school records.

But a tie is good, too.

There are no more records to break in girls sports.

Oh, no. You're not going to--

There's a wrestling tournament tomorrow.

I practice, make the team, win the tourney,

And set the record.

But it's a boys wrestling tournament!

Don't you have some good deeds to perform?

Unh!

[Whistling]

[Whistle blows]

[Snarls]

Man: ♪ been clocking in on time...

[Growling]

Yeah!

Yeah!

♪ I'm getting paid overtime

♪ For taking a break

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Getting paid overtime

♪ For taking a break

Yaah!

Yes!

Whoo! Anybody else?

Huh? Let's go!

[Bell rings]

Sweeney: this is ridiculous.

You can't make a time machine.

Mr. Sweeney...

If you're sure you've never been wrong,

Than you have nothing to worry about.

[Beeping]

Ooh!

[Yelling]

[Grunt]

Here!

What?

Is everything ok, mr. Sweeney?

Oh.

The apple. Uh...

The chalkboard!

I...no.

I was just, uh...

Taking attendance. I'm here.

Right. Uh...

Martin qwerly.

Here! And great tie, mr. Sweeney.

Oh, yeah. It...whoa!

Uh...

Simon nelson-cook!

Here!

I am here!

I was listening to some music,

But I stopped, and I'm here.

I really am back in time.

Can this can take me back in time to when I was a boy?

I'm sorry, sir. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about this ridiculous time machine!

I don't know how you managed to change my tie,

But I do know you're all faking!

But, mr. Sweeney, he was here.

His idea may have been somewhat delusional

And doomed to fail, but...

But he really was here!

[All talking at once]

Fine!

I'll change the attendance sheet,

But not because of any ridiculous time machine.

It's because you all went to so much trouble,

It must mean something.

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, there goes my never-been-wrong record.

But...over students really like

And appreciate you now.

That's a new record.

Yeah!

[Crowd chanting, "moze!"]

Ok, mosely, if you win this tournament,

You own the school record

For the most polk records.

Get him! Get him!

[Whistle blows]

Ok. I fixed all the tables,

I collected a thousand cans for the food drive,

And I helped ms. Boldie across the hall.

And how does it feel being a good deeder

Instead of a troublemaker?

Actually, it feels pretty great.

It'll feel even better

Once you make my permanent record smaller.

Yeah! I can't.

What?

You said if I did good things to correct the old things,

It might make my record smaller.

Key word: "might." Turns out, it can't.

You tricked me. Big time.

But that's what makes the world go round.

You win some, you lose some.

You lost some, I won some.

And karma is just a bunch of yin-yang,

And this is going to high school.

Noo!

Noo!

Huh.

I thought there was a table I forgot to fix.

[Bell rings]

Ned, voice-over: so, when it comes to school records,

Let's recap.

Moze didn't win the tournament,

But even though she didn't break the record for records,

She did make history.

Cookie's attendance record stayed intact.

And sweeney was really enjoying his new

"Students really liking and appreciating him" record.

And me,

I learned that when you do good things,

Sometimes good things can happen in return.

Man: eww.

I practice, make the team, win the tourney,

And w--nevis.

Cook, my sources found out...

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha! Hi-yo!

Man: you're fired!

Aah!

I can't break it.

[Laughter and applause]

[Cheering]