We could do
the Running Man.
No, we're not doing
the Running Man.
The Running Man
is amateur hour.
- The Dirty Dancing...
- You're talking about
- where I lift you up?
- - Yeah, that's very advanced.
- You're not ready
for that. Um...
- No.
Danny, Sandy.
Classic. Timeless.
Oh.
- You know it.
- I don't think that I do.
Quit messing around, man.
I'm just saying
it's the hand jive, sure.
But my eyes know it,
my body doesn't.
- Mm, don't ruin this
for me, Colin.
- It's Conor.
My bridesmaid entrances
are the stuff of legends.
Ever the bridesmaid.
That is my essence.
- My badge of honor.
You feel me?
- I feel you.
- Do you want this for me?
- I want this for you.
Don't leave me
out there to die, man.
I won't leave you
out there to die.
Alright, everybody,
the bridal party...
- Okay.
- I'm your boy.
Yeah, you are. Going again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- Uh-huh.
- Hi, are you Nellie?
Excuse me. Does anyone
know who Nellie is?
- Does it matter
which hand is on top?
- Right on top.
- Nellie? Nellie?
- Nellie, Nellie.
- Hi. Fantastic.
Can you come with me?
- Oh, yes!
Okay. Please excuse us,
excuse us.
Hey, boo.
What's going on?
I-I'm good. I'm good.
Uh, yeah, I'm just, uh...
Yeah. Um, b-bye. Bye, Matilda.
- I wonder if we could
just take--
- Yeah, bye.
Okay.
- You're married.
- I-I am married.
- What the f*ck? Right?
- Ah, what the f*ck?
What the f*ck!
Where's Ron?
U-uh, who cares? Who cares?
Will you-- will you do a sh*t?
- Duh.
- Yeah, okay.
Right-- right now?
- Right now!
- Oh, okay. Yes.
- Mm.
- Oh, just-- just me.
Okay. Um,
to your beautiful--
- Drink! Just drink.
- Okay.
Would you f*ck Ron
for the rest of your life?
Oh. W-what?
Would you like
to have Ron penetrate you
for the rest of your days
on Earth?
Abso-f*cking-lutely.
- Really?
- I should be so lucky.
You're such a good friend.
Do you have anything else?
Anything...?
- I don't have any on me.
- Okay, okay.
But where's your purse?
Matilda! Matilda!
Find Nellie's purse.
- We need Nellie's purse.
- Okay, okay. Yep, yep, yep.
- Nellie, it's me. Sheila!
- Yes.
- Yeah, look at me.
- I'm looking at you, babe.
- Look at me.
- I'm looking at you.
We hate these things.
We normally hate these things.
We love these things
when it's you.
Oh, shut up! We f*cking
hate these people.
Brides, f*cking grooms,
creepy uncles.
Hey, look at you.
You look tragic, bitch.
The f*ck are you wearing?
- The dress you chose?
- It's trash! It's trash.
And everyone getting married...
Oh, my God.
It's like they're being inducted
into some sort of cult
of matrimony.
Like they're off
to the mainland,
far from the island
of misfit singles.
I know you have coke, Nell.
Hand it over.
- I didn't bring any.
- Do not lie to me, Nellie!
- Okay, we've got purse.
We really...
- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you, Matilda.
- ...need to get you
to your reception, Sheila.
- Okay. f*ck off!
- It's just that I can't,
because we have four...
Babe? Babe...
Babe, I know
you're mad at me.
We were gonna be
the last single b*tches
at the end of the Earth.
- I'm not mad at you.
- We still are!
Me and you, baby.
Single b*tches for life.
I still don't have coke.
- g*dd*mn it, I think
I have Molly. f*ck!
- That's my girl!
- That's my girl.
I know my girl.
- I think I only have two pills.
Should I grab Ron?
You guys can do it together.
- Your first role
as a married couple.
- Oh, my God, f*ck Ron.
- Okay, okay. Yeah, f*ck Ron.
- f*ck Ron. I'm not a wife.
- No.
- I'm not a f*cking wife.
- Like, what the f*ck?
- No, you're not.
I-- Like, you technically are,
but you're not. I hear you.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Okay.
You know, you--
you have always just stayed.
- You, you,
you don't age one bit.
- Mm-hmm.
You won't be defined
by some dude
- or some baby on your tit.
- Yeah, f*ck, no. Hell, no.
You're like, "f*ck it.
I'll put Molly in my clutch
and carry it to a wedding."
- Yes, I will.
- "f*ck everyone!"
- Mm-hmm.
- "Dress slutty if I wanna.
I'll f*ck your husband
- if I wanna."
- That was once,
and I'm not proud of it.
To you, Nell. What the f*ck
would I do without you?
I'd be stuck
with this clown show
of f*cking bridesmaids
and f*cking Patricia.
Why the f*ck did I make her
a bridesmaid?
- She's Ron's sister.
- She's the f*cking worst.
- She's not the best.
- We're gonna stay
like this forever.
- Right? Yeah?
- Let's take this,
- so that we can go
to your wedding, huh?
- Hmm.
See you later.
Oh!
I'm pregnant, Nell.
Sheila, spit it out!
Sp-- Yes, spit it.
Bend over and spit
the sh*t out!
And next, here come
Nellie and Conor!
Daddy!
Aw!
Charlie's Angels.
We're the angels.
We're the angels.
It's so f*cking hot.
Are you guys, like, super hot?
But how's a girl to know
When she's walking
with her beau
That he's the one
to make her dreams...
Monroe. God, oh, my God.
Look at this face.
It's like a baby's butt.
What is your secret?
No alcohol, no caffeine,
no sugar, no gluten,
plant-based, and Pilates.
Well, I don't know
about all of that,
- but congrats to you.
- Thank you.
So, Sheila told me
that you broke up
with your boyfriend.
I was so upset to hear that.
Yeah, yeah.
We consciously uncoupled.
Nothing dramatic.
We're still friends.
It's all good.
All love in this club, baby.
Do you have any gum?
Yeah, so are you seeing
anyone now?
I'm seeing everyone now.
Oh, wow.
And how's that going?
It's sort of
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
- Okay.
- A smorgasbord of sausage,
if you will.
Okay.
- Ah, Zofia.
- Oh, hey, what's up?
- This is Zofia.
- I remember Sophia.
Zofia, with a Z.
So LA...
So go tell Daddy
to make last rounds, okay?
Because it is your bedtime.
Oh.
Monroe.
You are legit my icon.
Oh, God.
Dope-ass career.
Hot-ass husband.
Zofia, with a Z?
You took your sweet-ass time
- and you still got it all.
- Well...
Because your 30s
are just your 20s,
but with money.
Right? I mean, I don't
really have any money, but...
f*ck this gum. This gum
is really speaking to me.
Where did you get this?
I think just at the CVS.
How old were you
when you had Zofia?
- Forty.
- Four--
Forty. f*cking legend.
f*cking legend.
It was actually the most painful
experience of my life
and I wouldn't wish it
upon anyone.
- What?
- Rusty and I struggled
to conceive.
- No.
- Did IVF for one year,
had multiple miscarriages.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- And I will not say
how much it cost to make baby Z.
Not gonna report it, but 50K.
- Oh, my God.
- 50K.
You are not getting pregnant
in your 40s naturally.
Not gonna happen!
And if you could, you'd be
so f*cking exhausted like I am.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
How old are you right now?
Please say 33.
Please say 32 or 33 or 31.
Please say either
of those numbers. Nellie?
I'm 34.
f*ck you. Stupid.
And what are you
doing right now?
Don't say bracelets.
Don't say bracelets.
- I made these.
- It's a hobby.
Don't point them out to me.
Nellie, look at me.
Look at me.
I know you.
And I know you,
'cause I was you.
And so the next time
you've just boned
some hot bartender
with an app idea
and you're sitting
in his bathroom
staring at his shower
crusted with pubes
and that f*cking
Fight Club, Reservoir Dogs,
Scarface poster,
I want you to remember my face.
They can be a never-never land.
Never growing up, never aging.
But those eggs?
Those huevos rancheros?
They are.
Your eggs are.
Alright, have
a great night, honey.
- So good to see you, Nellie.
- So good to see you.
- Freeze those eggs.
- Thank you.
Okay, lovers,
this next one's for you.
It's baby making time.
Can I fill you up?
Fill me up.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. You like that?
Mmm.
I think I'm gonna pee.
Yeah, yeah,
I'm definitely gonna pee.
Maybe you're gonna squirt.
Yeah, I'm gonna squirt pee.
Did you cum?
Oh, f*ck.
What?
I lost it.
Are you sure you lost it in me?
Ow.
No, no, no.
Morning, Parveen.
You wish, Colleen.
So, pot is like wafting
through the hallways. Right?
So the guard goes into the cell,
he's looking for the pot.
He finds the pot.
Then they find his cellphone,
- an MP3 player,
and a bunch of cash.
- Whoa.
And the guard says,
"What's going on, buddy?
You've been in here
for, like, 30 minutes."
He looks up at 'em slow
and he says,
"I don't know.
But my ass is bleeding."
Oh!
- Oh!
- Jesse!
- Come on, at the table?
- I'm done.
The ass is bleeding.
Prison system's r*cist.
- Shut up.
- You shut up.
- How's work for you, Nellie?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's good.
- Mm.
It's good. I'm starting
to do earrings now.
- Little cherries...
- How's Shawn?
- I don't know, Dad.
- Why not?
Because for the 907th time,
we broke up.
- They broke up.
- They broke up, Richard.
- We broke up, Richard.
- Alright. Alright.
Well, I'm good.
Oh, no.
- Are you alright?
- You stood up too fast.
You can't stand up anymore?
- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
Look at me.
I'm falling apart.
So when are you gonna
give me grandkids?
- What?
- It's true. He's falling apart.
- He's fine.
- No, I'm not fine.
- I'm gonna die soon.
Don't you care?
- No.
Talk to your firstborn
about grandchildren.
Look at him. He's got gray hair.
I'm a silver fox like Pop.
Oh, my God.
Never say that again, ever.
- I don't want him procreating.
- No.
- That's a terrifying thought.
- Yeah. Nobody wants that.
- Nobody wants that. Yeah.
- We talked about it.
- Well, I don't have
a boyfriend.
- You got Shawn.
- Oh, my God. Mom!
- They broke up, Richard.
Alright. Alright. Whatever.
I'm just saying
that it would be nice
to meet my grandchildren
before I croak.
Well, I will manifest that
for you.
You know what works better
than manifesting,
- you little smart aleck?
- What, Dad? Tell me.
- Anything.
- Anything.
Literally anything else.
Boys, cllense ya.
- Yeah, cllense.
- Ya.
Ooh, Mama.
- Qu pasa?
- Ah.
My ass is bleeding.
Come on, Jesse.
I'm sorry.
[woman on TV
...Reproductive Dreams.
Take your future
into your own hands.
It is our mission
at Reproductive Dreams
to make healthcare
an empowering experience
through empathetic care.
Join us in the movement.
Schedule...
All my single ladies,
am I right?
Welcome to Reproductive Dreams.
Know what
we're looking at?
A baby?
Not yet.
I was testing you
and you passed.
Hmm. Those are your follicles.
And down here,
you look like, I'd say...
A virgin?
Definitely not. Okay.
Now let's, uh,
let's go talk in the room.
Diminished ovarian what?
Diminished ovarian reserve.
Like I said, very common,
but it does compromise
fertility.
I'm 34.
Don't I have another few years
before I start... diminishing?
I don't even know
if I want kids.
- I've seen Euphoria.
- Totally understandable.
But you're telling me
that if I decide
that I do want kids
and I don't do something
about it right now,
then I'll be diminished.
- Well, not necessarily.
- Or I could give you my eggs
and you could freeze them
and then I can thaw them out
someday.
Well, it's not guaranteed,
but it's a pretty good option
to have.
I like options.
And this might not be
the only one.
Plus, there are many ways
to be a mom.
You can adopt, for example.
- There are donor eggs.
- Hmm.
It's kind of like
Russian roulette,
wouldn't you say?
Get like a Jack the Ripper egg.
An incel egg?
That could be one
of your eggs too.
Dare I ask? Ballpark?
What am I looking at?
Give it to me. Just hit me.
- Alright.
- No.
Just write it down.
Write it down and then just, um,
pass it across the table
like they do in the movies.
And I'll just read it.
I'm gonna read it...
and cry.
Mmm.
Hey, I'm Mimi
and I'm a sugar baby.
This is Prada,
and this is actually
my favorite Gucci bag.
One of my daddies really wanted
to lick Nutella off of my toes,
so we did it and he got me this.
We made it a weekly thing.
That's a nice bag.
Facebook, yeah, duh.
f*cking everything at Facebook.
Give me money
and I'll freeze my eggs.
What?
- Give me money.
- Who are you talking to?
- I'm talking to you.
- Why are you talking to me?
You helped me pay
for LASIK, remember?
- I did?
- Yes. I said, "Will you
help me pay for LASIK?"
And you said,
"I'll pay for one eye."
Well, that was very
generous of me.
- Dad, I'm 34.
- Oof.
I don't have a man
or any legit prospects.
My ovarian reserve
is diminishing by the second.
I need to flash freeze
your grandchildren.
I don't want frozen
grandchildren.
- I want live, warm ones.
- Esprate.
What do you mean
your ovarian reserve
is diminishing?
I know that it's hard to believe
that a Latina might have
difficulty procreating,
- but the fertility doctor
told me.
- Oh. What does that guy know?
- Right?
- How do you know it's a guy,
- you sexist pig?
- Statistics.
- It's statistics.
- It's a scam.
Honey, it's a scam.
They're scamming you.
I mean, have you actually
seen anything diminishing?
You know, when you--
Do I have to dignify
that question with an answer?
- What about your insurance?
- - Sonja, they're not gonna pay
- for her millennial feminist voodoo.
- - Correct.
It's definitely not voodoo.
It's-- it's the future.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Yeah. You know, you could
always sell your eggs too.
I'm not gonna sell my children.
How much do people pay?
Get out there and get a prospect
- so you don't have
to freeze anybody.
- Or, or get a surrogate, dude.
Only poor people are having
their own babies these days.
That's a thing
of the past. Trust me.
All the boys at the firm,
they make somebody else
carry their baby
back to Turks and Caicos,
back to Bali, dog.
It's sick.
- You and your broad
can just party...
- Hate it here.
- ...and like nothing changes.
- Me too.
- Yeah, how does that even work?
- Well, they just put all the--
They put everything inside of--
I have no idea.
Oh, my God, you nailed it!
- You guys nailed it.
- This is everything.
Yes.
The next one
is from Nellie.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
- Oh, my God.
- Ooh!
Comfy, yet culturally
questionable.
No, no, I-I literally
just did 23andMe
and I'm like 7% indigenous.
Well, there you go.
Thank you so much, Nell.
- I've missed you.
- Miss you too.
Yeah, what's new
with you, Nellie?
Well, actually,
I'm, um, thinking about
getting my eggs frozen.
Oh, well, that's amazing.
Maybe I should have
a baby shower.
But you're not having a baby,
you're just freezing.
- No, I know.
- Baby shower is for babies.
- Right, totally.
- Egg freezing is just an egg.
It was a joke, Jen.
It was just a joke.
Well, I, um, I didn't even know
that you wanted to have kids.
I'm not hundo P on kids,
but I want the option.
And apparently,
I'm about to be geriatric.
So...
You could meet
your husband tomorrow
and be engaged in six months
and have your baby the real way.
Yes, like Heidi.
Exactly.
Yeah, last week
I sent an unsolicited photo
of my vag*na
to a guy who ghosted me
six months ago,
and I got no response,
so, I don't know that I'm Heidi.
Egg freezing
is super expensive, right?
- Didn't I hear it causes early menopause?
- - Mmm.
And doesn't each frozen egg
have, like, a 5% chance
of becoming an actual baby?
Oh, I don't--
I don't know the stats.
Yeah, that's why
you gotta get, like, 20 eggs.
Most of 'em won't be viable,
and then some
won't survive freezing,
and then thawing
is like a whole other...
Claire.
She had to do it,
like, three times.
I mean, the first time around,
she took the wrong, like,
trigger sh*t or whatever
and then she ovulated
like 12 preemies.
And then she had to do it
all over again,
pay for the dr*gs
all over again.
And then she only got,
like, seven eggs
and then she had to do it
a third time
just to even have a sh*t
at getting a baby out of it.
Yeah.
But, hey, I am
so super stoked for you.
- Do you still talk to Shawn?
- Yeah, yeah.
I-I mean, not so much lately,
but there's no bad blood.
Why did you guys break up?
You were such a cute couple.
Uh, well, we were just
on different paths.
Well, bless.
You do not need a man.
I know!
Oh, my God!
- I need to borrow eight grand.
- No.
I need to freeze
my spider monkeys.
No.
You said it was the future.
Drive for Uber or give
blow jobs for cash.
- These are my two choices?
- Sophie's Choice.
I've never seen that movie.
Well, now you don't have to.
Look at that.
Why can't you be
a decent human being
for once in your life?
You have a gazillion sperm
in your sac.
You drive a Tesla. You're rich.
I am very comfortable, yes.
Look at you,
you bougie bitch.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you even smell rich.
You didn't use to smell
like this, like a Redwood cabin
in Yosemite.
You used to smell like butthole.
I've always smelled rich.
g*dd*mn it, Jesse.
I never ask you for anything.
You asked me
for Coachella tickets
a month ago.
That was a suggested gift.
Why would I buy you gifts?
Because you're the man
in my life.
That is bleak.
That's like so sad.
It's not funny.
Don't smile at that.
That's yucky.
You wanna talk bleak?
If I don't spend 13K
to freeze my eggs,
I might never be able
to have kids.
Meanwhile, you're gonna wait
till you're 70
with your old oatmeal balls
to have a baby
with an influencer.
That is so-- That is-- Okay.
That is accurate
and I'm not embarrassed
about it.
Okay, I'm trolling
on Raya hard right now.
So if one of these sloots
wants to catch it when I'm 70,
- so be it.
- I'll pay you back.
- How?
- Well, I was hoping
that we could talk
specifics later.
Okay. I want interest.
Of course, you do.
And I want half.
Half?
- Oh, you want half.
You want half of my eggs.
- Okay, that's my counter.
- Oh, so here's the thing.
- So take it or f*ck off.
You don't get to own
half of my eggs,
because this isn't the f*cking
Handmaid's Tale.
Get out of my f*cking office.
Adults are working.
The adults are working?
You flew to Colombia
to do cocaine.
Get out of my office now. Leave.
Make me.
- Get the f*ck out.
I'm not joking.
- Make me. Make me. Make me.
Get the f*ck out.
Get out. Okay, stop, stop.
- No, hey!
- Help me, Hunter.
- She's fine. Shut up.
- Hunter, I'm not fine.
Shut the f*ck up.
- She's okay. She's kidding.
- I'm not okay.
- This is a joke that we do.
- I'm not kidding.
- Shut up!
- It's not a joke.
Go back to work.
Go back to f*cking work.
Dude, you are so immature.
You're so f*cking immature.
Okay, you know what?
8K. You're gonna get 8K.
And you're gonna have two months
to pay me back with 1K interest.
And if that folds,
you owe me all the eggs.
They're mine, free and clear.
What the f*ck are you gonna do
with my eggs, you sicko?
I don't know.
But I'll be able to do
whatever I want with them
and I don't have to tell you,
because they're
my f*cking eggs then.
g*dd*mn it. Deal.
- I hate you.
- Hey, hey.
Don't f*cking tell Dad.
- Thank you, Jess.
- Get the f*ck out.
Freak.
So it's ten to 12 days
of injections and ultrasounds.
Then it's the trigger sh*t.
Then it's the retrieval surgery,
which I'm under for.
Surgery?
Pobrecita mi beb.
Mom, it's a needle.
It's over in, like, 15 minutes.
And when does it all start?
Any day. I'm just waiting
for my period.
- Mmm.
- Oh, come on, I'm eating here.
- Well, we're all rooting
for you, Anita.
- Thank you, Mama.
I can't believe you're paying
thousands of dollars for this
and it's not even guaranteed.
Is anything in this life
guaranteed, Dad?
You know what's guaranteed?
Eviction, when you can't pay
your rent.
Well, the universe provides.
Who did--
Don't ever say that again.
Don't ever say that again.
The universe does not provide.
But a husband will.
Go get one of those.
Oh, my God, Dad. A husband.
Yes, I'll just get married,
so that I too can have
a ginger son and a divorce
- by the time I'm 30.
- - Well, you missed that boat, didn't you?
You don't get the luxury
of a practice marriage
when you're 33.
I'm 34. You don't even know
how old I am.
Because you were born
so g*dd*mn long ago, I forgot.
You know what?
You should feel guilty.
You should.
- This is your doing,
both of you.
- Yo?
- What?
- Actually, the sex talk you gave me was,
"Don't do it ever,
because you will get pregnant
and your life will be trash."
And then one day I woke up
and you were like,
"Where are my grandkids?
Why aren't you pregnant?
Your life is trash."
That is so false.
You gave me baby shoes
for Christmas.
- It's true, you did.
- They were little moccasins.
Why are you buying me
baby moccasins?
I regifted that sh*t.
- Why would you do that?
- Uh, because we're not
Native American.
And one more time
for the cheap seats,
I am without child.
They were motivational, Nell.
You're 34 years old.
Well, I'm still
on your Verizon plan.
- Is that true?
- Oh, yeah, we all are.
The family plan. I'm part
of this family, am I not?
Get off the Verizon plan!
What's the matter with you?
Grow up!
Being a woman
is like being an avocado.
You're ripe
for a millisecond,
and then, whoops,
you're brown, geriatric guck.
- No, she's bugging me now.
- You're bugging me now.
- I can't eat.
- Cllate, Richard.
Ma.
Mm-hmm.
Last hurrah.
Mom, I'm gonna sleep here
tonight, okay?
Okay, Anita.
Thank you, Phinneas.
Love you.
Hi. Double vodka soda, please.
Nellie.
Oh, my God, Preston!
Holy sh*t.
You still hang out here?
Ugh. Look who's talking, d*ck.
I haven't been here
since senior year.
I know that. I'm here a lot.
Damn it, I didn't know you came
to the Valley anymore.
I was just looking
for a throwback, I guess.
Who are you with?
Just me.
So what else is going on?
- Oh, you know.
- No, I don't know.
I mean, I know what's going on
on Instagram.
I'll bet you do, stalker.
- You wish.
- You wish I wished.
- How's work?
- It's fine.
Working with my dad.
He's still a piece of work.
Dads ain't it, man?
Dads ain't it.
I was sorry to hear
about you and Ember.
Were you?
Yes, I was.
- I want you to be happy.
- Okay.
You should appreciate me
saying that.
- That's very big of me.
- That is big of you.
Considering you cheated on me
at homecoming.
- Yep.
- Mmm.
- I still remember that.
- Very sorry about that.
I was a real piece of sh*t.
You were, thank you.
Nellie Robinson. f*ck.
I always thought you'd be off
- in New York by now.
- New York?
Yeah, didn't you always
use to say that?
That you're gonna
move to New York?
- I said a lot
of things, didn't I?
- Mm-hmm.
- A lot of things.
I was gonna go to UCLA.
- It was a reach.
That was a reach.
It was a reach.
Um, I was gonna spend
a few years
- in Paris, right?
- Mmm.
Be a celebrity jewelry designer.
Marry Lance Bass.
Ugh, so close.
So close.
Wait, you are a jewelry designer
though, right?
Not a celebrity one,
no, no, but thank you.
Well, it's never too late.
Now, I was gonna play
for the Niners.
It's never too late.
Oh, f*ck you.
You know, this place,
not as fun getting in
with a real ID.
Yeah, on most nights.
Wish they would just
tell me to f*ck off.
Go back to drinking at Lena's,
hooking up in the car.
But only second base.
- Only second base.
- That's right.
I miss those blue balls.
Me too.
Is that your prom dress?
You know it.
Finally.
God, you smell so good.
- I smell good?
- Yeah.
- What do I smell like?
- Oh, like vanilla, cupcakes.
Cupcakes.
At the f*cking cafeteria.
Cafeteria.
God, remember the time
in the car?
Uh-huh. What time?
- You were wearing
those panties.
- What panties?
Mm, the ones with the...
the Wednesday on the ass.
Oh.
- Wednesday.
- Mm-hmm.
But it was not--
Oh, God, it was a Monday.
Time to pee-pee.
- Well... Oh.
- Mmm.
Get home safe.
Yeah.
Hey, I know I don't have
to tell you this,
but let's not talk
about this, right?
- Oh, sh*t,
I already tweeted it.
- Ha-ha.
Yeah, no, it's just Ember and I
are working on our trust,
- so if she thinks--
- Wait, what?
What?
What about Ember?
We're, you know,
working on stuff.
I thought you got divorced.
We were separated.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
That was like six months ago.
You're not wearing a ring.
We're getting new ones.
Ember wanted an upgrade.
Oh, f*ck me.
Okay. It's okay. Look,
I think this was just
building up for a while, okay?
- And we just--
We needed to do it.
- No, no, no.
I don't know that we did, nope.
Let's just relax and...
I will see you soon.
Cool, see you never.
Ugh.
Shut up.
No drinking, not even ros.
No smoking, not even weed.
One coffee a day.
Yeah. Rough.
How do we feel...
about shrooms?
No exercise.
Finally, some good news.
Does that include sex?
Like if I just lied there,
a beached whale.
Honey, you are gonna be
so bloated,
you are not even gonna want to.
But like if I did want to?
Ali, I'm a single
Etsy seller in my 30s.
My vices are kind of
a lifestyle.
No whale sex, copy that.
And you are done.
Last question.
What if I screw this up?
You're not gonna screw this up,
you're gonna do great.
- I flipped a boat.
- There's a boat?
In high school,
on my marine biology trip
to the wetlands.
My teacher said
it would never happen.
It hadn't happened
in 20 years of teaching,
but I was just trying to put
the mud on my face.
She said it was good
for your skin
and I must have
leaned too far over,
because I capsized the canoe.
And my whole boat had to spend
the rest of the day in the van
and everybody
was super pissed at me.
So what if I flip the boat...
- again?
- Okay.
You are not a boat.
I'm not a boat.
You got this.
Ugh.
Hi, Parveen.
Let's go through the steps
to help you inject Menopur
with confidence.
Place the tip of the Q-cap...
- Oh.
- ...over the top of the vial.
Do not shake the vial
as this will cause air bubbles.
Do not remove the needle cap
until you're ready
for your injection.
Push the plunger down
to empty any remaining air
from the syringe
and tap the barrel
of the syringe,
- so that any air bubbles
rise to the top.
- Right.
This is Nellie Robinson.
Um, I'm trying to reach
somebody, a nurse or anyone.
Uh, I just have a--
a quick question. I'm, um...
I'm doing my first, um,
round of injections
and I just wanted to know,
if I inject an air bubble,
if I die.
Looks like a good spot.
One, two, three.
That was fine. That was fine.
That didn't hurt.
That didn't hurt.
That was fine.
One more.
Whoo!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
You know, the size of the eggs
that I'm gonna freeze?
Like the size
of a strand of hair.
- Damn.
- Something the size
of a strand of hair
can change the course
of your entire life.
Girl, one ejaculation
can change the course
of your life.
A single "Hey, stranger" text.
Yeah.
What I did with Preston
could have produced a child.
A bastard child.
Thank God we're in California.
Hey, that just wasn't
your fault.
Oh, I am aware.
I did the ring check,
I brought up the wife,
I was bamboozled.
- Hoodwinked, even.
- Thank you.
That man is so 2000 and late.
- Oh!
- Yeah! Had to bring
- the Black Eyed Peas
into it. Yeah.
- Black Eyed Peas.
He peaked in high school.
- Damn.
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe I peaked in high school.
Girl, you haven't peaked yet.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm like J.Lo. I'm gonna peak
when I'm, like, 80.
- That's the spirit.
- But if I'm like J.Lo,
then why am I borrowing
8K from my brother
to freeze my eggs?
Because you're buying time.
Someone who's good
enough for you
is hard to come by.
I have had sex
with a lot of men, She.
- And I am aware.
- And you're telling me
that none of them
were suitable
for procreation or life?
Am I not suitable for life?
You are very suitable for life.
My mom moved to America,
learned English,
went to college
and grad school in English,
met my dad, fell in love,
got married, had me,
all by the time
she was, like, 27.
She's legit the American dream.
What have I ever done?
You're a legend, that's what.
Do not listen to the hormones.
The hormones are lying to you.
How are you handling
these f*ckers so well?
Hmm.
I can, I guess.
You know, in high school,
after we would hook up,
he'd be like...
- "Time to pee-pee."
- "Time to pee-pee."
You remember.
She, he still says it.
- No.
- Yes.
Can I help you ladies
with anything?
- Oh, we're good.
Thank you. So much.
- I'm good. Thanks.
Ember married
the "time to pee-pee" guy.
The bar is subterranean.
But you know what,
to be fair to her,
she was a freshman.
She's got on, like,
high school goggles.
I am in no position
to judge, believe me.
- You know what
my biggest pet peeve is?
- Hmm?
"When you're not
looking, Nellie,
that's when you'll find him."
Ugh, I hate that sh*t so much.
"When you're whole, Nellie,
that's when he'll appear."
Like, okay, Brinley, who was
on every dating app invented,
including Jdate,
- even though she's Catholic?
- Mm-hmm.
- Swiped right on every dude
within a 90-mile radius.
- True.
Told everyone that
if she wasn't engaged by 30,
she'd slit her wrists.
- She did say that. Mm-mm.
- She said that,
remember that sh*t?
- That was sad.
- Mazel, Brinley.
I guess that's what
wholeness looks like.
Nellie, you could be married
tomorrow if you wanted.
- Just hasn't been a priority.
- Should have been.
You dated a bunch of losers.
And then there was Shawn.
Ooh, I'm sorry to bring him up.
You're telling me the only guy
that I have ever dated
that was worthy of procreation
was Shawn?
- Correct.
- I find that statistically
hard to believe.
Mm, yes.
One of the guys from the pile
- has to be worth a second sh*t.
- Do they?
Yes! I mean, think about it.
Finally over his ex.
Over his Peter Pan syndrome.
Over the apps.
Over living
with three roommates,
eating Chipotle every night
like an animal.
Maybe it's time
to get proactive.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
- I have to fart.
- Throwback to...
- I have to fart
and I'm gonna fart.
- Okay.
- Might wanna...
tsk, head that way.
- Yeah, I'm gonna...
- Ma'am, hold your nose.
- Okay.
Why did we stop doing this?
Oh, you tell me.
I'm glad you texted me,
but what--
what made you text me?
I was just thinking about you.
- And other... old friends.
- Yeah?
I'm spending $13,000
that I don't have
to freeze my eggs.
- Oh, wow.
- Which sort of feels
like punishment
for not finding my person.
And honestly, maybe,
maybe I'm the problem.
Everybody else seems
to have figured it out.
Maybe I lack maturity.
Maybe I didn't see this through.
And I wanna be someone
that sees things through. So...
So you're in this,
like, existential quest
to find your person right now?
That's one way of putting it.
I feel dumb. That was a lot.
- Are you ready
to leave?
- No, yeah, yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye. See ya.
No. Actually, no, I-I, uh...
I wanted to thank you,
Nellie. I-I learned a lot
from our relationship.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I learned that I can
just be me, you know?
The-the nice guy.
That-that-that's enough.
Of course, it's enough.
I love a nice guy.
"Love a nice guy."
That's interesting.
My therapist explained to me
that some people,
they don't know how to love.
That they're broken.
They wouldn't know love
if it was sitting
right in front of them.
Staring them in the eyes,
drinking a PBR.
- Uh...
- I would have
given you everything.
I would have given you
a kid, naturally.
Instead, you're off
freezing your eggs
like it's frozen fruit.
Like you're making smoothies.
Ugh, I don't wanna cry.
- Don't cry.
- I remember you telling me,
"Oh, you wanna just be friends.
Let's just be friends."
Well, friends
don't treat each other
like cold, heartless b*tches.
I'm sorry for calling you
a "bitch." You're not one.
I'm just vulnerable as sh*t.
- I'm sorry. Women, they--
- Oh, yeah.
They say they like that stuff,
but they don't like that stuff.
- They pretend.
- Oh, right.
They wanna be friends,
they wanna be friends, whatnot.
Who gives a sh*t?
You text me four years later
when you're dried up and alone!
Now that that's out,
do you wanna split
some calamari?
It's so good
to see you, Nellie.
You have always had
a light about you.
Thank you. I mean,
you seem great.
Are you still living
at your parents' spot,
- or--
- No, no, no, no.
I live, uh, with--
Well, we call ourselves
a "spiritual collective."
But that term, it's reductive.
We sing together,
we break bread,
we dream. We dream together.
So like a cult?
Wow, wow. I forgot
how funny you are, Nellie.
No.
Words can't really describe
what it is.
- So, I'm gonna show you. Yes!
- Right now?
You gotta experience it
for yourself. Come.
Catch me up.
How's the finance life?
- Things are good.
Things are good.
- Still in love with your ex?
Just kidding.
- Wait. There's like a, um,
there's like a light.
- Oh. Ha!
Is that an ankle bracelet?
Yeah. Uh, don't worry though,
my probation officer
is super chill.
She doesn't--
That is her. I gotta get
the f*ck out of here,
but you wanna come with?
- Oh, thank you. I'm good.
- I'll let you sit on my face.
That's such a nice offer.
I'm-I'm-- I think
I'm still good.
Great to see you, Nellie.
Okay.
Thirst trap.
Got ya.
You look good.
Huh.
Well, I got you a vodka soda.
Oh, I, uh, I'm not actually
drinking right now.
- I'm sort of prepping for a--
- A 5K?
- Something like that, yeah.
- Good for you.
Uh, could we get two waters,
please? Thanks.
Well, I was surprised
that you wanted to catch up.
I mean, it's, uh,
it's been what, a few years?
And I'm pretty sure
you blocked my number.
- Did I?
- I think so, yeah.
Well, you know, you, uh,
you kind of led me on
for a minute there.
I don't remember that.
I remember being kind of bummed.
I... I enjoyed hanging out.
Totally. You just only
wanted to hang out
once every three weeks
at 2:00 a.m.
Naked.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, Nellie.
That wasn't my intention.
Ugh. You were honest.
You were not looking
for anything serious.
And I was doing
the girl thing,
trying to make it
into something it wasn't,
trying to change you,
which isn't cool.
So, I'm sorry too.
We had some good times, right?
Yes.
Yes, we did.
To you and your exemplary penis.
Okay, well...
Well, thank you.
Mm-hmm. Anyway.
What's new?
Not much. Well, I,
I got engaged.
What? Wait.
- Ella. She's amazing.
- Um...
We met at a Halloween party
last year.
She was dressed as a loofah
and I was dressed
as a bar of soap.
You dressed as a bar of soap
for Halloween?
We were dancing
to Michael Jackson.
"Thriller," obviously.
And-and-and what does she do?
She's a nurse.
Like a real nurse? Like, um...
Not like a nurse
on Grey's Anatomy?
No,
like a real nurse, yeah.
She went to Stanford
and then she modeled
for a little while after.
- As one does.
- But she didn't
find it fulfilling.
- Right, right, right, right.
- And so she...
went to nursing school
and joined the Peace Corps.
Mmm.
Naturally. And-and you?
- Are you still working
at the restaurant?
- At the restaurant, yeah.
Yeah, we both work nights
so it's perfect.
Sounds really compatible.
- Are you gonna drink
your water?
- It really is.
I mean, I wish forever
would start yesterday.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Wow, Sterling.
You're getting married.
I did not see that coming.
And to a nurse, a real nurse.
- Look at you.
- I overachieved.
You know, I didn't think
you were the marrying type.
Why? Why-why do you think that?
Maybe because when we dated--
- Hung out.
- You were 40,
had never had a relationship
past three months,
and worked in a restaurant
where you had f*cked
every other server and hostess
and gave me chlamydia.
Okay, well,
how does that make me
not the marrying type?
I really am sorry
that I wasn't your person.
- I'm not. Believe me.
- But you were crazy.
- Excuse me?
- After nine months
of hanging out,
you come to me with this,
"W-what are we doing?"
Calm down, huh?
I mean, you said it yourself.
You were trying to turn me
into something
that I wasn't. Okay?
At least, not for you.
You're right.
I was trying to turn a hoe
into a housewife.
- Nice. That's-that's
slut shaming.
This is the problem with dating.
Nurse/models are marrying
45-year-old waiter fuckboys!
We never dated. We hung out!
Here we go.
Whew.
How many times a day do you get,
"At least buy me
dinner first, Doc"?
I never get that. That would be
embarrassing for them.
Okay. Check 'em out.
They're growing.
Can I get a copy of that?
You want a picture...?
Oh, the-- Yeah, yeah.
Mary. Mary, let's, uh...
Let's get a picture.
- Nellie!
- Hey there, wifey!
You didn't have to bring a gift.
- Aw.
- I know you're paying
to freeze your eggs
- and all that.
- Okay, shut up.
Don't make it weird.
I'm so happy to see you.
I've missed you.
Things have just been so crazy
with the remodel and the...
- Ah...
- Oh, my God.
You're a Kardashian.
You're gonna get robbed
at gunpoint.
- I know, right?
- Yeah.
I have to give you something.
Hold on.
Your engagement party
and I'm getting gifts.
What is this?
"Will you be my bridesmaid?"
I'm so surprised.
And I know you're gonna have
the bachelorette party on lock.
- Yeah, you know it! Uh-huh.
- Yeah!
You know.
Preston and Ember!
- You invited Preston?
- No.
Oh. sh*t, no, I forgot.
They live, like,
five minutes away
and she's been helping
with the bathroom remodel.
And Ryan and Preston have been
hanging out. Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
- Hey there, Mrs. Mayfield!
Hey, girl. Hi!
Let me
see it again. Ooh!
- You did so good.
- I know, right?
Ugh. Nellie!
- Hi!
- Hey, Ember. How are you?
Incredible.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, baby, will you go
get me a LaCroix with lime?
- Pamplemousse?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, you brought them!
- Oh, yeah. Your favorite.
- Nell, you gotta try one.
- Oh, okay.
You'll have to excuse her.
She's addicted.
I picked the tomatoes
from my garden
and I actually made
the mozzarella myself.
- You made this?
- Mm-hmm. I just
can't trust anything
in the store-bought stuff
these days, you know?
- Totally.
- I actually make
all my own cheeses.
- Do you have a cow?
- No, Nellie.
I don't have a cow.
What is wrong with her?
So, like, just from
your own breast milk, or--
Hello? New business idea.
Oh, thank you.
So, Nell, what have you
been up to these days?
Are you still doing that, um,
little, um... Etsy thing? Right?
- Just doing that little
Etsy thing. Yep.
- Mmm.
- Great.
- And you? What are you up to?
Ember is an incredible
interior designer.
Yes, work has been amazing,
but kicking my ass.
So I am just beyond ready
to take some time off.
So Preston and I are gonna
spend a couple of weeks
in the Amalfi Coast.
I'm so jealous.
Right where he proposed.
Positano Beach,
on our last sunset.
- He was so nervous.
- No...
He was sweating like a hog.
Well...
Truth is, he had the ring
in his pocket the entire trip,
but every sunset,
he just kept chickening out.
- Mm-hmm.
- Aw.
Sounds so romantic.
Would you excuse me?
Time to pee-pee.
- Yo! Man of the hour!
- Hey. What's up?
- What's going on?
Look at all this!
- Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding?
- I know. I can't believe it.
Damn it, Nell. I miss you, man.
I feel like I don't see you
anymore.
- You know, I get that a lot.
- Well, where have you been?
In the world
of excommunicated singles.
- Shut up.
- Stop being invited
to the couple sh*t
when you're no longer a couple.
Nell, you're always invited.
You say that now,
it's not long till you're off
to the world of parents.
f*ck.
Yikes. Been nice knowing ya.
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
Hey, how's Shawn? Or--
I'm sorry. Well, I don't know.
I mean, do you guys still talk?
No, um, not so much
lately. He's...
He's got a new girlfriend.
Wish them all the best.
May peace be with them.
Insert whatever it is
that grown-ups say.
Poor guy. I mean...
It's gotta suck to lose
someone like you, Nell.
Sucks losing someone like him.
Tell me to f*ck off if this is,
like, the stupidest question
ever, okay? But...
what happened between you guys?
Nellie! Hi! Wait, sorry.
I just heard about Shawn.
- Heard what?
- Oh, sh*t, I thought you
would've seen on the socials.
No, we're not--
- Um, he didn't do anything.
- Oh.
It was more for me,
so that I wouldn't...
Anyway, what,
what-what happened?
His new girlfriend.
She's so pretty.
What is her name?
Michelle.
She's pregnant.
Wow.
Peace be with them.
- Hey, why don't you... Come on.
- Yeah.
Everyone!
Everyone! Circle up!
Come on, guys.
Every one of you have been
a part of our love story.
- No, really like--
- I want you to remember this,
you know?
- This is for you guys,
seriously.
- You know, I mean,
we'll have ours.
- Yeah.
But this is-- This day,
we wanted this for you.
- Oh, and Jim and Diane, please.
- Jim, yes.
- Thank you so much.
- Please, thank you so much.
I'm so sorry. I did not mean
to drop that b*mb on you.
- It's fine, Jen.
Don't worry about it.
- I thought you guys
- were still friends.
- f*ck off, Jen.
- f*ck off.
- I feel really bad.
You don't need
to feel bad for me.
So, you guys
are newer friends,
and love that we have
our old friends here.
- Not everyone knows how we met.
- Oh, my God.
So, Ryan's really good
at telling this story.
Okay, does anyone
really not know
how we met at this point?
- Yeah, whoo!
- ...that's how
we introduce ourselves.
- Okay? Uh...
- He's so good
at telling the story.
Story,
story, story, story.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss,
kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
Hi.
Hi.
How was your week?
- Huh?
- How was your week?
Oh. I don't like
to live in the past.
Totally. Yeah.
Is that...?
Is that a Nestor Wheats?
- Nestor...
- His sh*t
is f*cking provocative.
Look at that.
Wow. The complex layering
of chaos and harmony
right there.
Yeah, that's actually
a Lachlan Fletcher.
Um, this toddler
I used to babysit for.
Oh. Fire.
Why aren't you dancing?
- Oh, I thought
you were, like, vibing.
- Come here.
Close your eyes.
My mother used to do this to me
when I was little
and stressed out.
Were you stressed out a lot
when you were little?
What troubles you, Nellie?
- What troubles me?
- Yeah.
Speak it.
I don't know.
Only you know.
I feel like I'm running
out of time.
- Time.
- Time.
Nellie, time is an illusion.
It's just a mental construct.
You're gonna let
a mental construct
ruin your life?
That'd be a pretty stupid way
to go through--
Oh, God, I missed you.
Oh, I'm gonna keep
some clothes on.
- Why? It's your body.
- It's...
It's all dewy and...
dripping.
- Um, I'm sort of, um...
- Mmm.
I'm freezing my eggs.
Oh, wow.
Good for you, Nellie.
Thank you.
You're bearing fruit.
I am.
I wanna taste you.
- Good idea.
- Yeah?
Oh.
I wanna be inside you.
Mmm. I gotta be inside you.
- Oh...
- You're in bloom.
Um, I'm not supposed to.
This is super bloom.
Yeah, but I'm not supposed to.
Oh, f*ck. Oh, f*ck. Oh, f*ck.
Okay. Um, maybe just the tip?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh.
Um...
Let me-- let me try this.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?
- Here, um, okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
- Yep, let's go.
Yeah. Yeah, that's good.
- Yeah, that's good. Yeah.
- Yeah?
f*ck, you're ripe.
Oh, I can feel them.
- What?
- Oh, yeah, your eggs.
- No, no. Get off, get off!
- Oh, you're like overflowing.
Get off! Don't touch them!
They're mine!
Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. Um...
but you gotta get the f*ck out.
Hi, I'm Nellie Robinson.
I called last night.
Yep.
Yes?
You're pregnant.
What?
I'm just kidding.
Did you really fall for that?
Everything looks good.
- We're okay?
- We're okay.
- Oh, my God.
- In fact, we're just
about there.
- Okay.
- Okay, go ahead and get dressed
and, uh, Ali will talk to you
in the office.
What the f*ck?
Oh, my God, She, you're not--
I feel like I failed.
No, you didn't fail.
Then why did this happen, Nell?
I don't know why it happened.
But...
I f*cking love you.
There's a support group
my therapist told me about,
pregnancy loss.
Will you come with me?
Of course.
Nice bangs, by the way.
- Really?
- No.
"Until I join
you in heaven...
Besitos, corazn."
Yes, Nora.
Whenever you're ready.
I wrote mine on...
"Dear Winnie. I've lived
most of my life without you.
But from the moment
I found out you were here,
everything changed.
I started planning immediately.
The tea parties we'd have,
the playgrounds I'd take you to,
driving you to your first dance,
trying to talk you out
of plucking your eyebrows."
"Teaching you how to drive,
how to cook a chicken,
how to chase your dreams.
It kills me that we never
got to do any of these things.
I'm so sorry, Winnie."
"But...
we are so lucky that
you chose us to be your moms.
You weren't here very long,
but you have
Mommy's heart forever."
Beautiful, Nora.
Anybody else?
Yes.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
No, I'm so sorry. I'm-I'm--
I'm not actually
going through a--
I was here for my friend
and-and she's not coming
now, sorry.
Um, I'm actually...
I'm going through the process
of freezing my eggs right now
in the hopes that someday I too
can know the joy of miscarriage.
No, no, no, sorry.
As soon as it was
coming out of my mouth,
I was like, "Abort!"
f*ck. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
How has it been so far?
Freezing your eggs?
Yeah, good, good, good,
good. Yeah. Um...
I guess it's just like
bringing up some stuff.
I'm either going through
a renaissance
or amidst the worst crisis
of my lifetime.
I feel really f*cking stupid
talking about this here
when all--
Nothing is stupid
to talk about here.
- Mmm.
- Sit down, please.
Stay.
Oh.
Okay.
Um...
my ex and I broke up a year ago.
He wanted kids.
He's a bit older than me
and he was tired of waiting.
But I wasn't ready.
I'm not ready.
So I left.
I didn't wanna leave.
I really, really
didn't wanna leave.
But he would have never left me.
And I couldn't hold him back.
He's the most amazing human.
Like, the best human.
He's everything. He's grown-up.
He bought his mom
a MacBook Pro for Christmas.
And he knows how to fold that,
the stretchy sheet with the--
with the waistband.
- Fitted sheet.
- The fitted sheet.
He knows how to fold that
without even YouTubing it.
He's gonna be
the most epic dad ever.
Like a dad
from a minivan commercial.
Ah, his grilled cheese
is always that perfect
golden color.
It tastes like home.
He tastes like home.
So, yeah.
The past year,
I've sort of been a little...
homeless.
My grilled cheese
is always burnt.
Or cold, unmelted.
I'm wearing swimsuit bottoms,
'cause I haven't done
my laundry in weeks.
I did Molly at a wedding
last month.
Alone.
I don't really know
what kind of mom I'd be.
But I'm freezing my eggs.
Because...
procreation.
Creating life.
What? That's...
That's pretty epic, right?
A baby is like
the physical manifestation of...
teamwork.
Partnership.
Seems like something
worth fighting for.
The irony is,
I don't know
if I've ever felt so...
alone.
- This is your final
trigger sh*t. Okay?
- Yep.
It must be taken
exactly 36 hours
before your procedure.
- Okay.
- That means 9:00 p.m. Not 9:01.
- Not 9:30.
Exactly 9:00 p.m. Okay?
- Okay. Yep.
f*cking kidding me?
Are you f*cking kidding me?
Oh, my God!
She looks terrible.
- You look terrible. Ew.
- Cllate, Richard.
I'm a human baby farm
at the moment.
I'm so sorry if my appearance
isn't to your liking, Commander.
- Hello, hormones.
- Hello.
Just today.
Just today. One day.
Can you pretend to be
a loving, supportive father
just for a day?
How have I not been supportive?
How have you been supportive?
All you've done is tell me
that my egg freezing is voodoo
and I should get back
with Shawn.
- She's right.
- All I said
was that this new-age technology
is grotesquely expensive
- and you don't have the money.
- Accurate.
- But you do have Shawn.
- Drop it, Richard.
- I don't have Shawn.
- She doesn't have Shawn.
All she needs to do
is write him a text
with one of those,
- the faces thing. What is that?
- Emoji.
- With an emoji.
- His girlfriend's pregnant.
Qu?
- What?
- f*ck.
- Is it serious?
- What do you mean "is it serious"?
Sounds pretty
f*cking serious, Pop.
Are you crying?
- No, I'm okay.
- Yes, she's crying.
Of course, she's crying.
Hell, I'm about to cry.
No, that--
that could be you.
Don't you think
I wanted it to work out?
Oh, I don't know. Did you?
No, no, you're right, actually.
I-I really enjoy
being alone and heartbroken,
and told that my eggs are dying
while I go to weddings
and baby showers
every g*dd*mn weekend.
- You enjoy that?
- No, Dad!
No. I don't enjoy spending $70
to go to f*cking stork parties
where I shower pregnant b*tches
with gifts while they act like
they cured cancer.
"You did it! You had sex
without a condom!"
I can do that. I do do that.
- Jesus Christ.
- Ay, Dios mo!
Where's my party, huh?
I want a party.
I want a f*cking stork party!
You're on your own, Pop.
I'm the one sh**ting myself up
with hormones,
mixing my meds
like I'm Dr. f*cking Fauci,
growing 20 eggs at once
like I'm Octomom.
Can your body do that?
Can your body grow eggs? Huh?
- No.
- No? It can't? Can your body?
- No.
- What was that?
- No.
- No, it can't.
You know why?
'Cause this sh*t ain't easy.
Getting knocked up? That!
That is the easy sh*t.
Well, then why have you had
so much trouble?
- Ya, cllate.
- I'm just saying.
Dad, shut up.
I haven't had that much
trouble, actually.
I have the old receipt
from Planned Parenthood
to prove it.
Nellie.
What does that mean?
It's time to shut up.
- She's a mess.
- No, Richard!
You're a mess!
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do it.
f*ck!
Oh, f*ck.
Oh, my God.
Nellie?
Nellie!
What are you doing?
I don't know.
Congratulations.
Last one, the last one.
You got it. You got it.
It's okay.
Okay. Yeah.
You f*cking serious?
Are you f*ck-- f*cking Parveen!
f*cking...
Parveen, I don't know
anything about you.
Except that you
probably consider me
a common street whore.
Well, I prefer the term
"sexually empowered."
A 21st century woman. Yeah.
And not that it's any
of your business,
but I had a boyfriend.
Yeah, I did. For a long time.
But it didn't work out.
And it wasn't my fault.
I tried very hard. We both did.
Now it's just me.
It's just me.
And life isn't a Taylor Swift
song, okay?
There's no scarves.
There's no lakes.
There's no Wednesdays in a cafe.
Life is actually like
you're dancing,
you're having a good time,
and then suddenly
the music stops.
And everyone grabs a chair.
And you're just standing there
with your d*ck in your hand.
'Cause this whole time
you thought it was
a dance party? No.
It's not a dance party.
It's one long game
of musical chairs, Parveen.
Well, I may not have
a chair/man,
or a baby, or a house,
or fancy health insurance,
or my own Verizon plan,
but I have science.
Yup. I have enough.
I am enough.
And I'm not gonna let you,
or my dad, or Ember,
or any of these dudes
make me feel like I failed,
because I am doing my best
to take care of me.
And right now, that means
sticking this needle
in my stomach.
And I don't know
how junkies do it,
because it hurts, and I'm tired.
And my stomach is covered
in little holes
and bruises. But this is it.
This is the last one,
and I've done it.
Every single one all on my own,
like a f*cking boss.
#Feminism.
Hoes before bros.
I've got this.
I've got this.
But it would be nice
if someone...
would just like...
hold my hand.
So I just...
That was it.
Would you like
some gulab jamun?
Yes.
Yes, I would.
What is gulab jamun?
Whoa.
Time to lay some eggs,
baby.
Are you sure that
you're okay to take me?
I can call my mom.
Girl, stop. Get your ass in.
Come on.
There she is.
Doc, don't k*ll me now.
We got you, Nellie. You ready?
Ready.
Nita...
Nita...
Nellie.
Nellie.
Hi.
How did we do?
We did good.
- Yo?
- Yo.
What's up?
You know, just coming over
- to see my family.
- Cool.
- Ew.
- What?
- What? What?
- What? What's your deal?
Move.
- Surprise!
- What?
What is this?
Eggs, eggs,
eggs, eggs, eggs!
You're good. You're chilling.
- You're a good egg.
- You're a good egg.
Me?
A rich egg.
- A very rich egg.
- Very rich egg.
- A very rich egg.
I'm a Faberg egg.
- Um...
You're a Faberg egg.
The right guy's gonna come.
Or maybe not. f*ck it.
You got your eggs.
Maybe you don't need a guy.
- f*ck guys.
- f*ck guys.
- Yeah.
- It would just be nice
if I didn't die alone.
What are you talking about?
Look around, you bonehead.
Hey, never gonna happen.
Never.
And I'll always be here.
I'm the man in your life.
That was nice.
- It was kinda yucky.
- Yeah.
- But it was nice.
- Yeah.
I'm not gonna have
your money in time.
- Are you serious?
- Are you gonna take
my egg babies?
No, I don't want the money
and I don't want
your egg babies.
- Praise be!
- Ah, blessed be the fruit.
- Here.
- Thanks.
- I'm a grandpa.
- Ha.
Not-- No, not--
Not really. Half-ish.
- An egg-pa. You're an egg-pa.
- Ah. Okay, well, I'll take it.
- Dad.
- You know,
when you were little,
man, you were spunky.
You were...
"Don't you know?"
That was your line.
"Don't you know?
I'm going to school."
I know, Dad.
"It's my birthday,
don't you know?" Ha...
You were little.
Uh, and Jess was little.
Wow.
Nothing will b*at it.
Best days of my life.
And I miss it.
I miss it, okay? I'm...
I'm sorry. I mean, look at me.
I'm just an old fucker.
My teeth, my back.
I'm falling apart.
You're not falling apart.
g*dd*mn it.
You're not running
out of time, Nell.
I am.
Mmm.
We've got time, old fucker.
Pfft.
Dear Eggs,
I hope you're not
too cold in there.
I hope it's like Tahoe
or Park City,
a winter wonderland
with skiing,
and hot cocoa,
and sweater weather.
They tell me that
you're just my cells
in a freezer, but...
you're more than that to me.
You've given me
some pretty epic gifts.
Peace.
Time.
Possibility.
And who knows,
maybe one day you'll join us
in this warm world.
You'll be a real boy.
Or girl.
Or they.
Or maybe not.
Either way, there's something
I want you to know.
You were no accident.
You were one
of the most intentional things
that I have ever done.
And I'm proud...
of us.
So, thank you...
for everything.
Love...
Mom.
Get it, Parveen.
Oh, sh*t!
Get it, girl!
Get it, bitch!
A little bit low.
Oh, sh*t!
Scrambled (2023)
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