01x09 - Not Scattered Yet

[bunniefuu]

THERAPIST: And what would you

say your relationship is like

with your inner child?

You know, um, we don't

see each other that often.

I should call her, though,

since she's probably responsible

for most of my snack choices

and cereal intake.

And how does that make you feel?

[CHUCKLES] Wow.

You guys really say that, huh?

Uh, I feel, in general,

fairly well-adjusted.

SAM: What are you doing?

Besides laying down in a public space.

Nothing. I'm just finishing my latest obit,

and I just feel like, you know,

there's really good energy here.

The couch in the hallway

by the bulletin board

where people come to fart?

Here we go.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY, CLICKS TONGUE] 'Sup?

Yep, exactly.

You know, I'd like to tell you that you have

our unwavering support,

but things like this really make me waver.

Hmm. What can I say?

Every writer has their process.

Now, go. Go away. Let me do my thing.

You're gonna have to go

somewhere else to f

- DENNIS: I will.

- So, important question.

- [SIGHS] Huh?

- Have you told your friends

- that you see ghosts?

- Oh, absolutely not.

And how does that make you feel?

NELL: You know what?

I think it's time to end our session.

- [KEYBOARD CLACKS]

- THERAPIST: But we haven't

really dug into why you're not

- [LAPTOP WHOOSHES]

- Oh.

Therapy is hard.

NELL: All right, so, you said

you were going through

some stuff in the back.

What you got, huh? Some rare apéritifs?

- Stinky cheese from France?

- Mmm.

Uh, my dead husband's ashes.

- Oh.

- Oh. It's not as delicious.

Man, that's a lot. How are you doing?

Fine, I think.

I've been going through his things, too,

and I have something

very special for you, Edward.

Nice.

- [NELL GASPS]

- Ta-da!

Oh, my God, that's Monty's hat!

- Huh?

- Um, in my in my head,

that that would be Monty's hat.

Just, like, the way that I pictured it,

like, um, um, from your descriptions

and stuff like that, because, sadly,

I have never met him in person.

I was trying to decide between

this hat and his jar of coins.

Collector coins?

Nope, just change from his pocket.

I'll stick with the hat.

I'm a hat guy now.

So, it must've been, uh, really hard

going through all of Monty's stuff.

Um, yeah, but it's helping me process.

I even think I am ready to

spread Monty's ashes.

- I-I'd be happy to join.

- Oh!

Me, too.

- Anything you need.

- I appreciate it.

- How about tomorrow?

- Oh.

So I don't have time to back out.

Yeah, count me in. It's a date.

I-I mean, a very solemn date.

♪

I can't believe that you go

to the zoo with your children

and don't come home with an animal.

Well, we just go to look at them.

Your life is so strange.

- [GASPS] Hi!

- BEN: Hey!

Ben, I didn't know you were here!

Ugh, don't even with that dress

and those shoes right now.

- What?!

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, can I write it off?

That depends. Did you write

about those shoes?

I mean, I can. Right, Lexi?

Oh, you know I don't read the paper.

- Do whatever you want.

- [SQUEALS]

Lexi, this is my husband, Ben.

Oh! The Ben!

I heard that your sperm is

the more powerful swimmers

of the two of you.

Congratulations.

Thank you?

What she's trying to say is we're so excited

for your surrogacy

and you two becoming dads.

That's actually just

what we were talking about.

We'll be ready to go

once Dennis picks the egg donor,

- which is happening today.

- LEXI: Ah.

- Right, babe?

- Absolutely.

Ben thought it would be a good idea

for me to pick the egg donor

because we're using his swimmers.

You know, I once let my husband, Tanner,

choose a song on Spotify.

He felt very empowered.

I can already tell

I'm gonna be obsessed with you.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm. See you tonight.

Egg-solutely.

Because, by then, I will have

picked out an egg.

[CHUCKLES] All right, bye-bye.

I will not

- have picked an egg by then!

- [SAM GASPS] Just to be clear,

we're talking about the human woman

that houses said egg, right?

Whatever. What are you, my OB-GYN?

I've been riddled with indecision

about this whole thing, and

if I don't pick someone soon,

then Ben is gonna think that

I'm not fit to be a father,

and then he'll go with someone

else who's decisive like he is

and knows exactly the egg

that he wants to fertilize.

Look, I'm sure your indecisiveness

is one of the many reasons he loves you.

[CHUCKLES] Aww. No!

It's one of our issues.

Ben's as confident as his sperm.

Mom friends

I need your help.

Say no more. You had me

at "confident" and "sperm."

Let's go make a baby.

- Hell yes.

- [LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Today's the day.

There's no turning back,

because I'm already here.

Are you planning on spreading

the ashes in a bowling alley?

'Cause I'm not sure if that's legal,

and don't get me started

on wearing public shoes.

What?

Oh, no. This is Monty.

I keep him in an urn

in his favorite bowling bag.

How many bowling bags does he have?

Two.

My weed is in the other one.

All right.

Okay, so, snacks are packed,

bladders are empty.

Let's get this show on the road.

So where are we going? Is it hat weather?

Trick question.

It's always hat weather,

when you look this good.

Well, I have a trick answer,

because I have no idea where we're going.

I'm trying to find the right spot,

but I'm I'm having a hard time deciding.

However, I have narrowed it down.

Wow. May I?

This is, um, looooong.

Why is this nerd wearing my hat?

Monty! M-Monty

[CLEARS THROAT]

would love how thorough this list is.

Ooh, are we getting high and going bowling?

You know, um, I'm gonna just

I'm gonna quickly go to my bedroom

and get my phone charger.

I'll, uh I'll be right back.

[GASPS] Oh!

So, listen, the bowling bag?

- MONTY: Mm-hmm?

- That's you.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

So where's Cricket keeping her weed?

She got that covered. I need your help.

So, Cricket is finally ready

to spread your ashes.

The only problem is

that she doesn't know

where the right spot is,

and she's got a list

that's gonna take us weeks to get through.

I mean, I saw a Chipotle parking lot

in Chatsworth on there.

MONTY: [LAUGHS] Yes.

That was the first time we were

fined for public indecency.

Yeah, also, I bet Lamps Plus

is on there, too.

Okay, can we focus?

Yes.

I know exactly where I want my ashes spread.

- Uh-huh?

- In the valleys of Ojai.

That's where I saw the most

gorgeous sunset of my life.

And you know me,

I-I don't believe a lot

in that woo-woo stuff, but

- NELL: Mm-hmm?

- [SIGHS]

I kind of felt like

I was at one with the universe.

- Hmm.

- So, you gotta tell her, Nell.

Oh, no. It wasn't on the list.

Well, then, put it on the list.

I can't just add things to the list.

I mean, she's gonna wonder

why I'm suggesting it.

Yeah, then I'm gonna have to tell her

about the whole speaking-to-ghosts thing.

Well, maybe it's time you did.

No way. If I tell her

and she doesn't believe me,

she's gonna think I'm crazy,

and then if she does believe me,

she's gonna think

I'm a terrible person for not telling her

that I'm friends with her dead husband.

It's a lose-lose for me.

Well, what if I spend the rest of eternity

at a Golf N' Stuff on Lankershim?

You had sex at a putt-putt?

No! What? It was our third date.

Get your head out of the gutter.

Oh, you started this.

- [ACTION FIGURE WARBLING]

- I Am I thinking too small?

What about Chicago?

Monty always loved Chicago.

EDWARD: Love the city. Hate the pizza.

It's like an above-ground pool

filled with marinara sauce.

So, um So, Cricket,

have you ever considered

spreading Monty's ashes in Ojai?

- Listen, Ojai is nice.

- NELL: Yeah.

But Monty and I, we traveled

to lots of nice places over the years.

There's a lot of parking lots on this list.

Yeah, there are.

I just thought he might like it.

- I got it!

- Oh.

- I know where we need to go.

- Great. Where?

- My psychic.

- Oh, brother.

CRICKET: You might think this sounds crazy,

but Miss Cassandra can speak to the dead.

That sounds insane.

This should be fun.

DENNIS: Okay, here are my

top choices for egg donors.

Oh! I was expecting uggos. Brava.

Lexi, this is about more than just looks.

But, damn, your babies

are gonna be looking foine.

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, here is Elise.

Wow. She seems really promising.

And she graduated summa cum

laude from Carnegie Mellon?

Yes, but she has a degree in math.

- Ugh.

- Ugh.

No, you don't want some weird math baby

vomiting their beautiful mind

- all over your pristine windows.

- SAM: Mm.

Right. Right, right!

Plus, Ben already has math in his sperm.

Two plus two equals no.

[LAUGHS] Okay, next.

- This is Chandra.

- Hm.

- Hm.

- She has a degree in sociology,

she speaks five languages,

and obviously has perfectly arched brows.

She seems great.

- Get that egg!

- Yes!

Um, minor red flag.

I went through her social media,

and I couldn't find

one picture with an "I Voted" sticker.

Seriously? Well, Chandra,

those perfectly plucked eyebrows

have revealed

that you have no moral backbone.

Yes. Yes, because everybody

here absolutely votes.

- Next!

- This is Diane.

Oh, I already see the problem.

- She has perfect teeth.

- Uh, no, she's

SAM: Oh, they're headgear straight.

Mm-hmm. You do not want

to commit to a lifetime

- of orthodontia.

- But what I was gonna

And she went to one of those universities

where you get to make up your major

- and you get graded in acorns?

- LEXI: No.

- But she has great

- No, ma'am. Not today.

- No, thank you.

- Pass!

Who's next?

That's it. That's That's all I had.

I honestly kinda thought

that last one was pretty good,

but, uh but, no,

you guys are probably right

about the teeth.

It's fine, I'll start over.

It took months to find these,

but I'm sure I'll find somebody by tonight.

[LAUGHS UNEASILY] Where's the door?

- DENNIS: Used to be a door here.

- SAM: Here we go.

- DENNIS: Was here.

- SAM: Here we go, just

- It's right here.

- Thank you, ladies.

SAM: Mm-hmm.

♪

♪

Cricket, do you know how many times

genuine psychic phenomena has been verified

by scientific data?

- Not a once.

- Edward.

- Yes, ma'am?

- Shut up.

Copy.

- [SIGHS]

- You really believe

that people can talk to the dead?

- I do.

- Yeah.

A-And you don't think they're crazy?

And they might even be kinda cool,

like somebody that you'd wanna

have drinks with,

or go to the farmers' market with,

or do yoga with, and all that kind of stuff?

I-I'm just so new to all this.

Oh, the way I see it, I don't

have to prove it or disprove it

to know that it's meaningful to me.

- Hmm.

- Honey, there are times

when I can smell Monty

as if he's standing right behind me.

Whoa, that's a fancy crapper.

A lot of shell soap.

Does anyone else find it concerning

that all of this is for sale?

Because I'm picking up on some strong

going-out-of-business vibes.

[SIGHS] Sorry to keep y'all waiting.

- Hi!

- Hi.

Okay, Cricket, you know the drill.

I'm gonna ask that

we all sit and hold hands.

- I'm gonna stand.

- Fine.

And where should I stand

so that she'll see me, huh?

Should Oh, should I breathe on her neck?

Would that be helpful,

or is that kind of creepy?

I'm getting a very strong presence.

A short-haired, older male,

possibly athletic.

That's me.

I used to get drunk at the golf course.

A tennis player? I'm getting tennis.

Or maybe on the tennis court.

And drool. Lots of drool.

What is this, a roast?

Hmm. It's not a human presence at all.

He loved walks.

And he's a very good boy.

It's Buster.

My childhood golden retriever.

He loved tennis balls.

The only thing is

he wasn't a very good boy.

He was the very best boy.

What's Buster doing now?

Can we energetically throw him

a couple tennis balls or something?

Before we commune with your dog,

as the woman whose credit card

is still on file,

are you feeling anything from Monty?

Like where I should spread his ashes?

- Ojai!

- Monty is showing me elements

Earth, wind, fire

No, that's a band.

Mm, it's coming to me.

It's water, isn't it?

- It is.

- Yes!

- I knew it. It's the beach.

- The beach?!

I haven't worn shorts since 1972!

I've been thinking about this little spot,

but I just wanted

to make sure that I was right.

Well, it isn't. I hate the beach.

Monty thinks the beach is perfect.

Oh, great.

I'm gonna spend the rest of eternity

with sand in my butt cr*ck.

♪

[DENNIS HUMMING]

Bobby, baby, we're out of time ♪

[HUMMING] Phone rings, door chimes ♪

In comes company ♪

No strings, good times,

room hums, company ♪

- Ahh!

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

Aren't these pineapple

cottage cheese doubles

the perfect snickety-snack?

Mm, I love them. I feel like a

Like a milkmaid on a Hawaiian vacation.

God, I love Hawaii. Well, except for the

- Huge turtles.

- huge turtles.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, look at the two of you

getting to know each other.

[SQUEALS] So, Dennis, what do you think?

Wouldn't she make the perfect egg donor?

- [CHUCKLES]

- Uh, wait, did you two?

We searched high and low to find someone

who shares all of your personality traits,

even your propensity

for nervous questioning.

I-I don't do that, do I?

Oh, my God, do I?

[GASPS] She's perfect,

and she'll contribute all

the things that make you you.

Well, except her maternal great-grandfather

did have a challenged hairline.

I've never seen my great-grandfather.

- Can I have the photo?

- No, you don't want it.

But, look, we can futz with it.

With science, you can

genetically engineer, I mean,

almost any part of a baby.

- Eye color, hair

- No, no, no. No, no.

- Stop talking, stop talking.

- No. No.

I-I don't want to Build-A-Bear my child.

Then what are we even doing here?

- I don't know.

- Hey.

Look, no matter what you do,

that kid is gonna be exactly

who that kid's gonna be.

Take Tilly, for example.

All Keith and I want

is for her to watch The Bachelor with us,

and all she wants to do is read.

- It is very disappointing.

- LEXI: Yeah.

So, at the end of the day,

it's all a crap sh**t,

so you just have to trust your gut.

My gut says that all of this is wrong.

Not the pineapple with dairy,

that's beautiful.

The Everything else.

And I want no part in it.

♪

You know what? I'm gonna

I'm gonna buy one of

those crystals for 30 bucks,

so I'll just meet you in the car.

I'll be right out. Okay.

One last thing, Miss Cassandra,

if that is even your real name.

Don't you feel bad, huh?

Just swindling vulnerable people

out of their money

by pretending that you talk to ghosts?

Is this Ghost Hunters again?

Because you're legally supposed to tell me

if this is Ghost Hunters.

I know for a fact that

you do not talk to dead people

and you were not just

talking to Monty right now.

[SCOFFS] First of all,

you ruined my Hot Pocket.

Secondly, of course I don't talk to ghosts.

Right. Yeah, yeah.

Because only crazy people talk to ghosts.

But what I told Cricket was not wrong.

My job is to reflect back to people

what they already know inside

but are too scared to admit to themselves.

That is a fancy way of saying "a fake."

Like you.

You have a secret that you not only

will not tell your friends,

you can't face it yourself.

[SPLUTTERS]

Pfft! Ha.

NELL: Well, that can apply to anybody.

Not me. I'm hell a at peace.

Oh!

Fine!

What if I did? What if you were right?

What if I did have a secret

that I m-might be holding,

and then what would you say to that,

all-knowing one?

Why are you asking me?

You don't believe in me.

But maybe it's time for you

to tell your friends,

like Cricket.

Damn, you are good.

I know. That's how I afford

the high-end Pockets.

[CRUNCH]

♪

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

So we're happy with this parking job?

Yeah.

Nell, we're running out of time.

This is your last chance before

you're stuck with your secrets,

- and I become fish poop.

- Cricket?

- Hmm?

- Cricket, yeah, um, are you

really sure that this is the right spot?

I have seen TikToks

where seagulls grab sandwiches

out of people's hands here.

Like, ugh. You know?

And And look, metered parking?

They don't even take cards?

That is just gonna be a hassle, you know,

having to bring quarters every time.

Ohhh. That was a sign.

- [COINS RATTLE]

- I have Monty's coins.

I guess my old choices

are coming back to haunt me.

I'll be right back.

[CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Nell, what's going on with you?

Are you upset that

Miss Cassandra won't contact

your childhood three-legged cat

that you won't shut up about?

Don't be ridiculous. This

isn't about Princess Tripod.

Well, why are you trying

to talk Cricket out of it?

Clearly, she's happy with this choice.

Because this is not the right spot, okay?

I just know it isn't.

- [CAR DOOR OPENS]

- CRICKET: All right.

- Cricket?

- CRICKET: Hmm?

- Hey, um

- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]

There's something I wanna tell you,

and I know that this sounds

Cricket, why do you think

this is the right spot?

Well, uh

After Monty d*ed, I hated

being home without him,

so I'd just drive around.

And, um, one day, I ended up here,

and I watched the sunset and cried.

I came back for every sunset for weeks.

NELL: Hmm.

And then, one day, I came

and I heard music playing

from the the restaurant down the beach.

And it sounded joyful, and it sounded fun.

It sounded like Monty. [CHUCKLES]

And for the first time,

instead of crying, I smiled.

That's how I want to feel

when I think about him.

You'd think by now,

I would've learned never to doubt

a woman named Cricket.

- Cricket?

- Hm?

Miss Cassandra was right.

This is the spot that

Monty would have wanted.

I just I just know it.

Yeah.

EDWARD: So we are parking in two spots.

Dennis? Do you have a second?

We brought you someone.

N-No No more egg donors,

please. I-I can't.

You don't need your mom friends today.

There will be plenty of times

you'll need our advice,

but today is not one of them.

But I want to stay.

[WHISPERING] Alexis, we discussed this.

- Okay, fine.

- Let's go.

I heard you freaked, Denny.

It's been a rough day, Benny.

I'm sorry I put extra pressure on you.

I thought it was important

for you to pick the egg donor

so we could each have a little

bit of ourselves in the baby.

Yeah, but that's just it.

You know, I-I think we've been so focused

on how much of you is in the baby

and how much of me is in the baby,

we forgot about the baby.

I went through a database

of thousands of women,

trying to pick the perfect one,

but children come out how they are.

So why go through all this

if there's one out there who already is

and who needs us?

What if

instead of surrogacy, we adopt?

Denny, I don't care how we become parents.

The only thing that matters is that

I get to become a parent with you.

And take the tax deduction.

Right. Yes, of course.

Come here. I love you.

I love you, too.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[SIGHS] You're so weird!

And we're gonna adopt!

[WOMEN SHRIEKING, LAUGHTER]

[VAN MORRISON'S "INTO THE MYSTIC" PLAYING]

♪

You know, I forgot that today was all about

Cricket having her moment.

You know, I've been

just thinking about myself

and our past together.

I wasn't thinking about

her future without me.

Yeah.

We were born before the wind ♪

Yeah, I got wrapped up in my own stuff, too.

- Mm-hmm.

- If I'd have told her

I talked to you, she would've held onto that

and wouldn't have been able to move on.

But you were finally ready

to tell her about all this.

Now, does that mean you think it's real?

- Or do you think you're crazy?

- [CHUCKLES]

You know, I learned from

a wise and intuitive woman,

I don't need to prove or disprove anything

to know that it's meaningful to me.

Smell the sea ♪

Hmm.

Well, I'm just sorry you didn't

get to tell your friend.

That's not true.

I told you, Monty.

Aww.

Into the mystic ♪

Well, kiddo, if you're ever looking for me,

you know where to find me.

When that fog horn blows ♪

[EXHALES DEEPLY] It's really pretty, Monty.

I will be coming home ♪

Mm-mmm ♪

Yeah, when the fog horn blows ♪

I wanna hear it ♪

Bye, Monty.

I don't have to fear it ♪

And I wanna rock your gypsy soul ♪

What's Buster doing now?

I bet you he's laying down or napping.

[CHUCKLES] Or rubbing

his butt on the carpet.

Buster is sending me a message

that he wants you to stop

checking in on him.

That doesn't sound like Buster.

That's funny, because

I'm the one hearing him,

and Buster is very clearly saying

that he wants you to stop coming here,

particularly between the hours

of 7:00 and 8:00 A.M.,

when Good Morning America is on.

Buster always loved Good Morning America.

- You need to leave.

- Before I go

[CHUCKLES]

That was me throwing him

one last tennis ball.

I know.