02x08 - Shower Sex

[bunniefuu]

[CALMING, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC PLAYING]

INSTRUCTOR: Deep breath in.

Hold and exhale.

[EXHALES]

[OVER COMPUTER] Good job, mama bear.

Sitting up nice and tall.

Take a moment

to feel your precious baby inside you.

Right now, baby is the
size of an eggplant.

And now's the time

to enjoy deep intimacy with our partner

to find calm in the healing silence.

♪♪

[CONSTRUCTION NOISE]

WORKER: Hey, Carlos!
Finish this cut for me!

- I gotta take a dump, like, now!
- [DOG BARKING]

No, it's fine. I'll use John's can.

He don't mind.

[RETCHES]

[GROANS]

- [CONSTRUCTION NOISE, CHATTER]
- [DOG BARKING]

- [GRINDING]
- [HAMMERING]

John?

Can you hold this?

[NAIL g*n POPS]

You pregnant?

- John!
- [GRINDING STOPS]

JOHN: Hey!

This feels like a lot for someone

who said they were
just gonna build a crib!

- [MUFFLED, INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [CONSTRUCTION NOISE CONTINUES]

I don't know what you're
saying! I-I puked on the floor!

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

I'm gonna take a shower!

Not in that bathroom you're not.

[CONSTRUCTION NOISE CONTINUES]

- [TRAFFIC NOISE]
- LAVAR: I just saw you six days ago!

You know I'm not givin' you a
refill without a prescription.

Those pills fell outta my pocket,

and a, a raccoon snatched 'em.

That sounds cute,

- but no means no, Mr. Pederson!
- [SIGHS]

Every day, you comin' in here with this!

Jennifer, what's up?

- How can I help you?
- Okay, listen to this birthday card.

[INHALES] "Age gets better with wine."

[LAUGHING] Get it?

Oh, come on! The phrase is
"Wine gets better with age,"

and then they just flipped
it. [LAUGHS] It's...

Yeah, that sounds stupid, Jen.

- And it's not really that funny.
- Hm.

Listen.

I don't normally get involved,

but I care about you.

And I know someone that can
help you get off the pain meds.

I don't need that. [SCOFFS]

Thank you.

Douyon, you ready?!

Hello!

I'm pickin' up my little blue pill.

- [GASPS] Oh, how exciting.
- If ya know what I mean.

Everybody knows what you mean!

- Viagra. [LAUGHING] Yeah!
- That is very exciting! [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER FADES]

Could you take a look at
these bumps on my taint?

Does this look like the
emergency room? What the...

- Cleo!
- Cleo!

Please come take a look
at this man's grundle.

His taint, Cleo!

Excuse me, may I approach you now?

sh*t! Oh, f*ck! m*therf*cker!

- I'm sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.
- No, no, not you, fool.

I think I gave Douyon the wrong meds!

I might've just put
a man in the hospital!

["S.O.B." BY NATHANIEL RATELIFF
& THE NIGHT SWEATS PLAYING]

[HARMONIC HUMMING]

- ♪ I'm gonna need someone to help me ♪
- Douyon! Mr. Douyon!

- ♪ I'm gonna need somebody's hand ♪
- Douyon!

- Douyon!
- Shut up, Mr. Pederson!

♪ Need someone to hold me down ♪

- What the hell are you doin'?
- MR. PEDERSON: I'm gettin' in!

LAVAR: Why the hell are
you gettin' in the car?!

MR. PEDERSON: I'm goin' with you!

LAVAR: Why the hell
are you comin' with me?!

I gotta get Douyon before he dies!

- MR. PEDERSON: He's gettin' away!
- LAVAR: Damn!

MR. PEDERSON: g*n it! g*n it!

[CONSTRUCTION NOISE]

- [PHONE VIBRATES]
- [FLY BUZZING]

- It's all over.
- Life is done.

It's a bottomless pit, girl.

Life is garbage. Everyone
knows it. What's up?

Ya know, I'm really
feelin' a lotta feelin's.

I feel like I need to hit some things.

BETH [OVER PHONE]: Me too.

John has turned our home

into ground zero.

Some white bitch asked me

- to massage her aura.
- Oh, God.

I feel like I ate a 30-pound
turkey, and I can't sh*t it out.

[OVER PHONE] I feel like I haven't
sh*t since I've been pregnant.

It's all just in there, becoming a baby.

Yeah, and everybody's
congratulatin' you for it, right?

And John said "we're
pregnant" to someone.

- I'm like, are we?
- We? Is he French?

Okay, John, is your p*ssy
draggin' on the floor?

- Thank you.
- But I'ma tell you somethin', girl.

Don't let your marriage slide now.

Are you havin' sex?

Ew. No. Of course
not. That's disgusting.

It's healthy for a woman to
have sex durin' her pregnancy.

Plus, pregnancy is when most men cheat.

Alright? Tom Brady. Adam Levine.

Stephen Hawkings.

- Okay, I get it.
- Do ya get it?

'Cause Stephen Hawkings cheated.

- [OVER PHONE] Should I go on?
- I'll have sex with my husband.

- Thank you.
- You gotta get in there.

Just try not to have
the baby on his d*ck.

[CONSTRUCTION NOISE]

♪♪

[STREET NOISE]

There's my sex pot!

- What?
- I-I almost didn't recognize you.

I-I know, I'm not as hot

without my cop uniform on. Sorry.

- No. Oh, oh, it's not that. You're...
- [CARS HONKING]

[SIGHS]

You're wonderful just the way you are.

Oh. You're... you're
breaking up with me?

Did your boyfriend propose or something?

No, I, uh...

I haven't been totally
upfront with you, Beau.

I actually, um...

I have a husband

- and children.
- Oh.

- sh*t.
- Yeah, and I've just been, like,

thinking, like, what's, ya know,
like, what's the end game here?

Like, realistically, like,
uh, um, like, our future.

Our what?

Like, what would we do if I got...

pregnant or something?

Um, that would suck ass. [LAUGHS]

- Yeah.
- I flew here.

I-I feel like this could've been
a... like, a Snap or something.

I didn't think I'd be
doing this right now.

I'm-I'm really sorry.

Hey, do you know how far we are from
the Ghostbusters firehouse?

Okay. I, um, I'm gonna go.

But you take care
of yourself, and, uh...

don't ask me to go to your hotel

to just do it one more time.

It's your call... ma'am.

Ooh, yeah. It doesn't
really feel the same.

Yeah, it didn't. I could,
I could feel that, too.

- Well, it was worth a sh*t.
- Okay. Well,

keep your headphones off when
you cross the street, okay?

People are crazy drivers.

Okay. Weird, weird advice.

- Bye, Beau.
- [STREET NOISE CONTINUES]

[MELANCHOLY OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

I've written Jen, like,
so many notes this week,

and she hasn't even written me one back.

[HUSHED CLASS CHATTER]

Oh.

- You like Caleb.
- He's cute.

You should tell him you
had a dream about him.

That makes guys think that you're sexy.

Tell him you had a
dream you were having sex

in the shower.

I've never had sex before.

I know. It's so sad.

But guys love showering with girls.

My sister told me.

Beth and Jessica, less
talking, more make art-ing.

Sorry.

ANDY [MIMICS SNEEZE]: A-Jew! [SNIFFLES]

[CLASS SNICKERS]

Oh! Now's your chance. He's getting up.

[WHISPERS] Now, now, now. Go, go.

Okay.

- You're so sexy.
- Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Caleb.

Hey.

It's so weird. I had a dream last night

that we were making out in my shower.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It was so weird.

Eh, uh, th-then what happened?

Well, we were, like, making out

and stuff in my shower.

Hm.

Hm, and then what?

And then my teeth fell out.

What?

♪♪

Talk to you later! [LAUGHS]

[WHISPERS] So good.

[SIZZLING]

I'm sorry we haven't
been having sex lately.

- [SIZZLING]
- What?

I just haven't been feeling sexy.

I mean, you're so pregnant.

I totally get it. It's not a big deal.

Yeah, but I-I want to. I do. I...

Whatever you're feeling
is completely fine.

I really wanna feel connected to you.

- Me too.
- So, should we

just... do it?

Like, in the shower?

- Shower sex? Now?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay.

But wait, don't you want some eggplant?

- No.
- Alright.

[PLATE CLATTERS]

[CLASSICAL OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

- JOHN: Ready?
- BETH: Yeah.

- JOHN: Let's get some H2O.
- [SQUEAKING]

- Cold! That's really cold.
- Yeah, I know, I know. One sec, one sec.

- You gotta gimme one second. Hang on.
- Okay. Okay. Just...

- Is that getting... Okay. Sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, that's hot! That's too hot!

Please! Go back. Go...

- Just go back to where it was.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- The valve is so touchy.

- I know. Y... I-I know.
- You have to get it within, like,

- a millimeter for it...
- Yeah, I know. Yeah.

- I can fix it.
- [SIGHS] Yeah.

- All you need is a pair of pliers.
- I-I know.

No! No! I... This is perfect.

Not now. I mean, I just...

- No, this is perfect. Okay?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- [OPERATIC SINGING]

- Sorry.
- [FEET SQUEAKING]

I feel like, like maybe
if I face the other way.

- Okay.
- Ya know?

- JOHN: Yeah, I think that's wise.
- BETH: That might be more, like, realistic.

- Okay.
- If I was kinda, like...

Okay, but then we
would have to kind of...

- What are you... Okay.
- I just don't want you to slip.

- No, I'm not!
- Lemme, lemme...

- Here, I'll just go down. Okay?
- Okay?

- Are you okay?
- Is that happening?

Seems like you're getting water

- in your face, though.
- Was that working?

[SIGHS]

I don't want you to
not be able to breathe.

Yeah, do you, do you wanna
just, like, go eat pita chips

- and watch Vanderpump?
- Yeah, if it's,

if it's not, ya know?

- It's fine. I don't wanna force anything.
- [FAUCET SQUEAKS, WATER DRIPS]

Yeah, I don't know. I just
feel like shower sex...

- I know.
- It's just never a good idea, right?

- It's good in theory.
- [BETH SIGHS]

Just don't wanna do anything dangerous.

- Yeah.
- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm good. Why?
- Good. Me too.

Yeah. No, we'll try something else soon.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Like,

try something new.

I get it.

["WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME" BY DIANE WARD
& THE KEVIN FINGIER COLLECTIVE PLAYING]

- [MR. PEDERSON GRUNTING]
- [RINGING DOORBELL]

BOTH: Douyon! Douyon! Douyon! Douyon!

- f*ck! Ah!
- [RINGING DOORBELL]

Why the hell did I let
you come, Pederson?!

- I'm your sidekick!
- No, you're not!

♪♪

- ♪ Why don't you go home? ♪
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

♪ I can't stand it this way ♪

LaVar, what's up?

I'm f*cked in the ass, that's what's up.

- What?
- Excuse me, young king.

I'm f*cked in the butt. I gave
Douyon the wrong medication.

- Oh, for real?
- Yeah, we can't find him anywhere.

Would you shut the hell up, Pederson?

- Who's he?
- Mike Pederson, LaVar's sidepiece.

Sidekick. And, and no.

W-Would you get back in the damn car?!

Listen, I haven't seen him anywhere.

And him and your Grandpa
Don, they used to be friends.

Would you know where he'd be at?

I'm sure he is fine. Plus,
if you get fired, who cares?

- You don't like that job anyway, right?
- LaVar? LaVar!

Hey, y-you want some latkes?

- I do!
- SHLOMO: Oh, sure.

Yeah, hi. Shlomo.

Baby, thank you. Look... [SIGHS]

LaVar, it's gonna be fine.

Everybody's allowed to make a mistake.

White people are
allowed to make mistakes.

Mr. Pederson here is an opioid addict.

I'm sure he's been given 25 chances.

Oh, sh*t, you're right.
You better find that man.

Lemme think.

Him and Grandpa Don used to
go to some real weird places

tryna pick up women.

Grandpa Don?

Go do your homework.

That's disgustin'. Where at?

♪ Why don't you go home? ♪

- Douyon!
- Douyon!

♪ Why don't you go home? ♪

- Douyon!
- Douyon!

♪ Why don't you go home? ♪

Douyon!

♪ You need to stay away ♪

♪ I don't want you ♪

[YELLS] Douyon!

♪ No more ♪

[SONG ENDS]

- [SCHOOL CHATTER]
- [BELL RINGING]

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[NERVOUS SIGH]

[MUSIC BUILDS, STOPS]

[TV CHATTER]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

- Yeah?
- JOHN: Somebody

call for a carpenter
to try something new?

Oh... Yeah.

Yeah.

- [TURNS OFF TV]
- That would be me. I'm, I'm Linda.

I live here all alone at the beach.

When I'm not at church.

That sounds like a fun life.

I'm...

John.

I'm 5'9", weigh 149 pounds.

Brown hair, brown eyes.

I live around this neighborhood.

- What kinda work do you need done?
- Ooh, [SIGHS] I don't know.

Just, I guess, a lotta work on my

- downstairs?
- Stairs can be complicated.

Ya have to make sure they're up to code.

- [TOOLS CLATTER]
- And what you don't want

is to have one stair be a certain height

and the next one at a
totally different height.

- Mm-hm.
- But don't worry.

I'm fully licensed and insured.

I'm gonna take some
measurements around here.

Then, I'll be outta your hair for today.

I'll pop back to my office

and have my assistant draft
up an estimate for you,

and we're gonna sh**t
that over to your email.

Okay, do you wanna just come over here?

Yeah.

- John, was it?
- John.

[OBJECT SCREECHES]

[BELT RATTLING]

No last name.

- Oh!
- [BELT RATTLES]

I'm Linda L-Linda.

Linda Linda?

- Mm-hm. Here.
- I love that.

- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

- Is your neck okay?
- Yeah.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]

- LEONARD [MUFFLED]: Go ahead and take it!
- [REFEREE WHISTLING]

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

Uh, maybe.

Maybe if we take this around.

Is there a way you could go up?

- And I...
- Yeah. Of course.

- Wait, actually no.
- Oh, there's a way.

No, no, that's... That doesn't...

- [BANGING]
- [GASPS]

- I think...
- Yeah, just be comfortable.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- I want you to be comfortable.

- I think my arm can go in here.
- Yeah, if you're under there.

- And I kind of...
- Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

♪♪

I'm sorry. [SIGHS]

I-I-I-I think...

I think no.

No sex?

Um, no. I'm sorry.

No, it's fine. I just... It's...

I don't know. It's fine.

But you just seem annoyed
with me all the time lately.

I'm not annoyed with you.

Well, I don't really believe you.

Where's my phone?

I just had it.

I-I just... I'm not annoyed with you.

I'm just a little frustrated
with this situation.

What situation?

This situation.

The... [SIGHS] Come on. Are you serious?

Our house is a construction site.

There's random dudes taking
shits in our bathroom,

and-and I'm just... I'm
exceptionally pregnant right now,

so it-it's just, it's a lot.

- Okay, well, it's almost done.
- I know.

It'll be finished soon.
I-I know. It's, it's fine.

- Just feel like you hate me.
- God, I don't hate you.

I never said that. Where the f*ck is it?

- I know it's here.
- If you're mad at me,

- I think we should discuss it.
- Can you call my phone?

Why do you need your phone
right now? We're talking!

- Why do you need your phone?
- Because I want it!

I want it! I need it!

I-I'm allowed to want my
phone! It's... I-I-I need it.

I know you're just thinking things,

and you're getting mad at me,

and you feel like I'm failing you,

and you're regretting
that we got married,

- and that we're having a baby!
- I've never said that to you.

I-I-I'm just saying you're just...

You're, you're obsessing
over all these projects,

and you're disappearing into them!

A-And I-I'm just,
like, alone over here.

Everything I do from
the minute I wake up

to the moment I go to sleep is for you

and for the baby.

I haven't played basketball in months!

Do you know how much work it is

to build a safe, high-quality crib?

I wanted to order a crib.

Who the f*ck builds a crib?!

Out of, like, t-tree slices?!

- Wood.
- [SIGHS] Whatever!

- It's like Noah's Ark!
- I'm breaking my back here.

I have two splinters in this hand!

- Two, not one!
- Really? Oh. Oh, how many do you have

in the other hand?

- Zero in that one.
- Oh, good.

I really don't wanna do
this. C-Can, can we...

I still have so much to do.

Everything available online
has a terrible review!

Everything has a bad review
if you keep scrolling!

Amal Clooney has a bad review!

- I don't know what that is!
- Maybe you should play basketball.

Maybe that would... [GASPS]

I just want you to be nice to me.

- I'm so nice to you!
- No, you're not!

You get in these moods,
and you just... you...

Any little feedback I give
you, you feel so criticized!

And you get so defensive,
and I don't feel safe!

You, you, you wanna leave me.

- Just, just... just leave me.
- No.

Oh, my God, I didn't say that!

I just wanna feel safe in our home!

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOFT CRYING]

Can I have a little water?

Yeah.

[PLASTIC CRINKLES]

[GRABS OBJECT]

- [SNIFFLES]
- [PLASTIC CRINKLES]

[POURS WATER]

[PLASTIC CRINKLES]

♪♪

[JOHN SIGHS]

- [DOORBELL JINGLES]
- [STREET NOISE]

I don't have an appetite.

- Alright.
- [PAPER CRINKLES]

I can take a hint. I'll get lost.

Sit down, Pederson.

I don't wanna be alone.

I wasn't always like this, ya know?

- Mm-hm.
- Seriously!

I got totally f*cked
up by Gaucher's disease.

I don't feel like hearin'
another made-up malady

or some story about how you got att*cked

by a chinchilla.

It's the real deal, bro.

Bruising, fatigue, anemia,
and the f*ckin' pain!

But my life was good, ya know?
I played tennis in college,

had a great job, whatever.

[SIGHS]

But then, this pain, bro.

More than you can imagine. My
WASPy-ass parents always said

just take some Tylenol,
some f*ckin' Aspirin.

Until years and years later,
the doctor finally figured out

what was wrong with me. And then, boom.

Pain meds. Opioids.

I f*ckin' love opioids.

Anyway, I lost everything.

Did you ever need to
just get outta your body?

Just for, like, a couple hours?

Man, of course, I have.

We all have.

- But you need to start over.
- I did!

I'm the manager of the car
wash down at Sunrise Highway.

The best car wash on Long Island.

Are you hiring?

Because I'ma need a new
job in about an hour.

[SIZZLING]

[SCRAPING PAN]

What are you doin'?

Um, going out. I'm
staying at a hotel tonight.

- What? You're leaving?
- Yes.

- You're leaving me?
- No! Just 'til tomorrow.

I... Look, I love you.

You're a great husband and
a great renovator of homes

and cable person, and you're
gonna be a great father.

I'm just going for one night

to the Executive Suites Stay America,

just to order bad room
service and watch cable.

Just watch all the channels clear. Okay?

I love you.

["HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BROKEN
MY HEART?" BY NORAH JONES PLAYING]

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ You've proven untrue ♪

♪ Leavin' me home ♪

♪ To cry over you ♪

♪ Each time you come back ♪

♪ Say I'm your sweetheart ♪

♪ But how many times, dear ♪

♪ You've broken my heart ♪

[QUIET CHATTER]

♪ Night after night ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Go ahead, Superman. Let's go. [LAUGHS]

- ♪ Hopin' and prayin' ♪
- Oh, my God.

- Douyon! Douyon!
- MR. PEDERSON: Douyon!

I-I do somethin' wrong?

No, no, no, no!

Do you, do you have the
pill bottle I gave you?

I think I gave you the wrong medication!

[LAUGHS] Oh, no, you didn't.

Those was the right ones. [LAUGHS]

He's got the magic stick!

- Oh, yeah! Oh, I love you, Mr. Douyon!
- [DOUYON LAUGHING]

I love you, man!

- DOUYON: This is unprofessional.
- LAVAR: Oh, my goodness!

MR. PEDERSON: Can we talk
about my prescription?

LAVAR: Not right now, Pederson.

♪♪

John and I have been having a hard time.

[TV CHATTER]

The boy cop got me pregnant.

I have an appointment tomorrow.

I'll take you.

♪ You promised, darling ♪

♪ To be just mine ♪

♪ But now I know ♪

♪ That was one of your lies ♪

♪ You've been untrue ♪

♪ Right from the start ♪

♪ But how many times ♪

♪ Have you broken my heart ♪

♪ Night after night ♪

♪ I've cried over you ♪

♪ Hopin' and prayin' ♪

♪ Someday you'll be true ♪

♪ You took my world ♪

♪ Tore it apart ♪

♪ How many times have
you broken my heart? ♪

♪♪

♪ How many times have
you broken my heart? ♪

It's so easy.