01x04 - Psyche

[bunniefuu]

[whistling]

[quacks]

[splats]

[screaming]

DUCKMAN:
Oh, my God! I didn't mean to.

I've soiled the centerfold.

Ruined, Cornfed--

the work of all
those dedicated
professionals

coming together to
capture a natural woman
at an unguarded moment.

Interesting use of a spatula.

Ah, she's perfect, Corny.
Can you imagine having
a woman like that?

They're overrated, Duckman.
I dated a model once.

You're kidding!
Lingerie?

Corrective footwear.
But they're all the same.

The look promises a night of
comparing hard-to-find

birthmarks and a hot bubble
bath, but all you get

is a slap in the face
and a cold shower.

How hard a slap?

The letters are a hoot, though.

I'm constantly amazed
that some pathetic loser

is so desperate
that he'd write

a publication like
this for advice.

[laughing]

Can you believe it?

Look at this one.
"Dear editor, I can't get a date

"and I don't know why.

"I'm so hard up
that I've started collecting

"Swedish magazines,

"nude volleyball videos

"and inflatable
meter maid dolls.

"Any advice?

Signed, a middle-aged
duck detective."
[gulps]

[horn honks]

I wonder where I put
that stapler.
Wait a minute.

You think that's me?

There must be a million
middle-aged duck
detectives out there.

This is just one
of those crazy
coincidences.

[groaning]

[squeaks]

DOLL:
Red zone.
You've been a bad boy.

[chuckles] The things the former
owners left in these closets.

Okay, so I've been a little...
inactive

since, you know, Beatrice d*ed.

I've been wanting
to jump back in lately.

Women just haven't been...
responding to me.

But it's a big world, Corny.

There's a lot
of possibilities out there.

It's only a matter of time

before good luck's
going to come my way.

[unzips fly]

WOMAN:
Dr. Forest, dial 118, please.

Dr. Forest, please dial...

Oops. Wrong thermometer,
isn't it?

[sultry female voice]:
What the hell's going on?

Where am I, and what the hell
happened to my voice?

You can't talk,
so I installed Mr. Tracheotomy.

It must be on
the wrong setting.

Well, I don't give a...

...flying leap through a...

...rolling doughnut what you
installed, or what...

...setting it's on.

I just want
my own damn voice back!

Oh.

You know,
while I'm fixing your bill,

I could make some adjustments.

Judging by your x-rays,
it is a tad on the small side.

S-S-S...

Small?! I've seen plenty of guys
with smaller bills than me.

Not that, you know, I look
at other guys'... bills.

Suit yourself.

I'm sure there are women who
respond to a smaller bill.

[giggles]

As soon as we get the okay
from your insurance company,

we'll get you fixed right up.

[phone rings]

Bayou Bill's
Gumbo and Insurance.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Was the thermos full or empty?

Nope, not covered.

[screams] Get off me,
sphincter face!

[grunts]

[engine revving]

Cornfed...

do you think
I'm attractive?

Sorry, Duckman,

I don't date
people I work with.

No, Spam for brains,
do you think there's
anything wrong with my bill?

You mean the fact that
it curves to one side,
the nostrils don't match,

it's covered with
nicotine stains,

acne scars,
varicose veins

and it whistles
when you chew?

I mean, no,
nothing I can see.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Hey, Dad,
you're home late.

Homely?

My own flesh and blood
calls me homely.

You know how that
makes me feel?

It makes me feel
the way you must have felt

when the other kids
voted you the ugliest
kid in your class.

I can't believe
you'd call me homely.

Actually, Dad, I said
you were home late.

Oh. You know, I think
that Blevins kid

is uglier than you.

Thanks, Dad.

Ow.

Hey, uh... kids...

uh, let me ask you something.

Do you think
your old man's attractive?

[laughing]

[laughing]

[whooshing]
[grunting]

Bernice.

I want your honest opinion.

Do you think I'm attractive?

I could answer that,

but that would mean having to
look at you.

[groans]

[grunts]
I need some air.

[remote control clicks]

Are you insecure
about your looks?

Why would I be insecure
about my looks?

So you're defensive.
Maybe a little

Do your friends
think you're ugly?

Yep.
How about your family?

Check.
Co-workers?

Affirmative.
Blind people?

Uh-huh.
Side show freaks?

And how!
People whose faces
have been

m*nled in industrial accidents?
Bingo!

That's because you are,

and nobody likes ugly people--
not in our society.

Not in any society.

So there's only one thing to do.

Take your own life.

[Levine chuckling]

No, I'm kidding.

Well, now there's a cure
for ugliness.

Through the magic
of cosmetic surgery,

I can help you become
the beautiful person

you deserve to be.

Come on in for a fanny tuck,
chin cleft,

maybe even a bill extension,
and don't wait too long.

No one wants
to be old and ugly.

Mention this ad, and get ten
minutes of free liposuction.

LEVINE:
Bill extension, bill extension
bill extension.

DUCKMAN:
Women just haven't
been responding to me.

DOCTOR:
It is a tad on the small side.

[Charles and Mambo laughing]

CORNFED: Nostrils don't match.
Small side.

Women just haven't been res...

Nostrils don't match.
Small side...

[laughter]

[echoing]:
...women just haven't
been responding to me.

*

* What's the ugliest *

* Part of your body?

* What's the ugliest part... *

Hi, I'm Dr. Levine.

You must be Duckman.

Doc, can you help me?

Oh, of course I can.

Put this bag
on your head

and pray
it doesn't blow off.

Just kidding.

[laughing]

Whoa, whoa! Duck...

Step into my office.

[clattering]

Mr. Duckman, one look and
I can see why you're here.

Pec implants.
No, I...

Those massive
eye wrinkles.

Well, I...
Butt lift?

Look!
That unsightly flab
around the...

I want a bill job!

Had to be.
The rest is perfect.

sh*t in the dark.
Kind of guy

who wants to see the most
expensive models, right?

This first one's
the Air Stream.
Tends to flap a little,

but it is heat resistant,
and doubles as a lawn chair
for outdoor sporting events.

The Longfellow. Real Corinthian
leather, easy to patch.

We recommend dry cleaning
after Italian dinners.

Oh, uh... and, of course,
there is the Magnum,

but between you and me, I'm
afraid it's a bit more

than most people can handle,

what with all
those beautiful women

wanting to fondle it
in public places and such.
I can handle it.

Give me the Magnum, please,
please, please, please!

Wow.

Oh, this is just a contract
with a little paragraph

saying the bill may cause cancer
kidney failure,

blindness, deafness and
dandruff.

Dandruff?
Comes with a
special low-cost shampoo.

Sold!

[screaming]

Morning, Fluffy, Uranus.

Notice anything different?

Did you get new glasses?

Lose weight?

FLUFFY:
Comb your hair?

No, you little road apples!
I got a new bill!

Poor, misguided
Mr. Duckman.

You don't need
to mutilate your
body just to meet

some vain standard of
superficial attractiveness.

FLUFFY: We look
past all that

to see
your inner beauty.

Mm-hmm... time to see
your inner beauty.

[both gasp]

[clears throat]

Fine-looking honker, Duckman.

Oh, you noticed, huh?

I don't know why I didn't see it
before, Corny.

This is the reason
I haven't been

getting a second look
from the babes.

It's what's outside
that counts.

Women are still after
the same darn thing.

Someone who leaves
the toilet seat down?

Looks! Like that stewardess you
used to date.

You two wouldn't have been
smacking the sheets

if she thought you were a mud
fence, am I right?

Actually,
we never quite went all the way.

What? You went with
her for over a year.
How far did you get?

She hugged me
when we broke up.

What about the
aerobics instructor?
Nope.

The hairdresser?
Golf instructor?
Nope. Nope.

The heiress?
Crossing guard?
Nope. Nope.

Synchronized swimmer?
The ice sculptor?
Nope. Nope.

The ex-nun?
Nope.

How about when you got snowbound
in that cabin with

the nymphomaniac who wanted to
get back at her parents?

Second base.

There's something
you should know, Duckman.

I never told you because I'm a
little sensitive about it.

I'm a virgin.

[laughing hysterically]

A virgin!

Unbelievable!

You?

No insky-outsky.

No boffarino!

Never nailed the hammer
on the head! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[tittering]

Ready to get on
with your life now?

Ah, look, don't worry about it.

This is the new
and improved Duckman.

I'll take you under my wing,
show you how it's done...

maybe even throw you
a few leftovers.

Just stand back. Watch a master
at the top of his game.

[door opens and shuts]

I'm Fantine.

And I'm Cosette.

We've been celibate for a year,

and we need you
to go out with us.

Don't worry.
We'll pay you.

FANTINE:
We can't trust men.

We've always had
trouble finding any

who will appreciate us
for more than our looks.

No matter what we do,
they just see us

as objects
of their sexual fantasies.

And we need to find out
what we're doing wrong.

You have a cookie crumb
on your left breast.

There's a little piece
of chocolate on yours.

[women giggling]

[stammering]

Come in. Come in.

I'm Duckman
and this is hooters...

I mean, Cornfed.
This is Cornfed.

Sorry,
just a little horny... tired!

Tired this morning.

A little tired.
Can we get you anything?

A "d" cup of coffee?
A cup of decaf?

COSETTE:
We're practically bursting

to start dating again, but we're
afraid we'll attract

the kind of man who made us stop
in the first place.

So we want you
to investigate us.

Tell us how to change

before we attract someone
we might regret.

All you have to do
is watch us closely.

Tell us
what we're doing

that makes men
focus on our bodies

rather than our minds.

FANTINE:
Ooh, I dropped my earring.

Oh, there it is.

[screams]

We just want to be appreciated
for the right things.

You must know
what it's like.

People probably come on to
you because of your bill.

I'll bet some people even
ask if it's real.

Don't you hate that?
Oh, the nerve.

Well, off to give each other
a full-body hot oil massage.

If you're interested
in the case,

meet us
at this address.

Say 7:00-ish?

Your skirt is clinging.

Oh, and you have some
of those lint balls again.

[giggling]
[door opens and shuts]

We, uh... we can't go.

I'm sorry.
It must be the new bill.

I thought you said,
"We can't go."

I did.
We're knee-deep in real cases.

We can't just drop our heavy
workload and go out on a date.

Well, you never know what'll
come up when we're gone.

Duckman, we have to go.

I need to learn
how to awaken
the sexual beast

that lies dormant
in every woman's soul

waiting to transform her
into a lusting creature

of unbridled passion...

pulling at me,
tugging at me,

yelling, "Take me, Cornfed!
Make me your love sl*ve!"

You know,
that sort of thing.

I said no, Cornfed!

Chicken.
Virgin.

Chicken.
Virgin.

Chicken, chicken,
chicken, chicken!

Virgin, virgin,
virgin, virgin!

Chicken.
Virgin.

Chicken.
Virgin.

Ooh... virgin...
Chicken, chicken,
chicken...

[squawking]

Virgo! Virgo!
Chicken...

All right, look... I don't want
to hear another word about it!

We're not going,
and that's that!

Get these things off of me!

Duckman, you think the women
will be able to tell
I'm not experienced?

Oh, will you shut up?

No one can tell
by just looking.

ANNOUNCER:
Next up on the first hole--
virgin plus three.

COSETTE:
Hi, Corny.

Hi, Duckman.

[speaking gibberish]

We thought the burlap sacks
would be a good idea.

Men always seem to respond
to our outward appearance.

So we didn't
want to dress like sex objects.

[both screaming]

[bell rings twice]

Since we've been hired to
observe your behavior,

the concept of men always
allowing women to go first

tends to reinforce the notion
of helpless playthings.

Ooh, he's perceptive.
Ooh, he's perceptive.

Mini golf put me
through dental school.

Duckman, I guess you're next.

[speaking gibberish]

[air horn blaring]

Here, let me help
steady your putter.

Uh-oh, my chest is rubbing
against your back.

Oh, that probably gets you
thinking about our bodies again,

doesn't it?

[shrieking]

Is it my turn?

[speaking gibberish]

Oh, I've got a cramp in my neck.

Duckman, can you rub it for me?

I can't take it!

[screaming hysterically]

Ah, sorry about last night.

I forgot
all about that appointment

with my periodontist.

Miss anything?

We went back
to their house.

Their house?!
Details, give me details.

A-frame, 2 1/2 baths,
exposed brick fireplace...

No, you idiot! What happened?

We played Twister. I lost.

[chuckling]

Beyond that...

I am a gentleman.

[chuckles]

If you'll excuse me I'm off
to help Cosette and Fantine

learn why men focus
on their bodies

while they sponge-wash
their car in cut-offs.

[chuckling]

[door opens and closes]

I need some air.

Thought cosmetic surgery
was the answer, didn't you?

Well, it wasn't,
you insignificant worm.

If you want the real answer
come in and see me.

I'll teach your problems
the meaning of discipline.

[whip cracks]

ANNOUNCER:
Mention this ad for two minutes
of free body piercing.

DUCKMAN:
Women just haven't been
responding to me.

CORNFED:
Chicken...

COSETTE:
Here, let me help
steady your putter.

DUCKMAN:
...imagine having
a woman like that?

[Cosette and Fantine giggling]

No way! This time
I'm not going to do something

just because a commercial
tells me to.

Yes, you are!

[whip cracks]
[gasps]

* Give me

* Your dirty love

NINA:
That's all for today,
Mr. Cooper.

You're making
admirable progress.

You, duck, you're next!

I don't know about this.
It's kind of hard

telling my problems
to a woman.

Don't worry.
I used to be a man.

Here, lie down on this!

[groans]

Spill it.
This isn't nap time.

Well, I've been having
some problems.

Just a second.

[bleating, barking, oinking,
growling and cackling]

Okay, so you have some problems.

With women, actually.

You're not
sexually active?

I'm very sexually active.

With another person.

Oh. Uh... no.

Ah, I know exactly
what this calls for.

[ticking]
NINA:
You're getting sleepy.

No, I'm not.

Now?

Not really.

Oh!

Let's try the watch again.

Where the hell am I?

NINA:
You're going into your psyche.

Everyone's psyche
is like a house.

Some have a two-story colonial.

Others have a country
cottage...

depending
on how your mind works.

There's yours.

Wait. The psyche is
very difficult to understand.

Entering it can bean
incredibly complex procedure.

Of course, some are less
complex than others.

Duckman, come back here!

Ah, looks like
the honeymoon suite

where Beatrice and I stayed.

A little more tasteful, maybe.

Yoo-hoo, Ducky.
Yoo-hoo, Ducky.

Wow. There they are,
just waiting for me

and I can't do
a thing about it.

Hey! I don't have
to be scared anymore.

This is my fantasy!

Yoo-hoo! Wa-haa!

Incoming!

[groans]

COSETTE:
Gee, Duckman,
we're sorry.

We didn't plan
for that to happen.

That's okay. Don't move. I'll
get a ladder, put on the tights,

be up there faster than you can
say "three-way circus."

[grunting]

Not working, huh?
I'd say the fantasy part

of your psyche's been a little
overtaxed lately.

FANTINE:
I think she's right.
After all, we've had

a little experience
being in people's fantasies.

[giggling]
[giggling]

COSETTE:
And we've found
when unfulfilled realities

overtake
a libidinous subconscious...

The disparity between the two

manifests in a breakdown
of the gestalt.

Huh?
No confidence.

FANTINE:
You'd better go find it.

Your fantasy will
never become reality

until you get
your confidence back.

Okay. Couldn't we try just one
little somersault into my lap?

NINA:
Maybe the trollops are right.

Confidence is the third door
on the left.

[Owl hooting]
[birds' wings flapping]

[door creaks]

Hey, Dad, guess who's going
to take care of you

when you're old-- me.

No!

[panting]

Duckman, bubeleh,
come on in.

I'll make you some soup.

I don't have time!
Fine, go.

What do you care
about anyone else?

Play mini golf
with your floozies

and just leave
me here to die.

[simpering voice]:
Don't get her mad.

Who said that?

I did. I'm your confidence.

You?

But you're puny,
you're scrawny, you're pathetic.

[sobbing]

Snappy dresser, though.

WOMAN:
You don't want
to know from him.

He's been beaten down
by your guilt.

What do you know
about it?!

[roaring]

I'm your guilt!

[screaming]

Did you think you
could get away
with dating

those other girls
behind your wife's back?

B-B-B-B-Beatrice has been
dead for a year and a half.

Maybe, but I'll be with you
for the rest of your life!

[chain jangling]
CONFIDENCE: Don't worry.
I'll save you.

[grunting]

Or I could just wait over here
while you save yourself.

[yelling]

Help!

Somebody!

Can anybody help me?!

Duckman?

I thought I heard you.

Beatrice? Is it really you?

Wow. You look great.

Did you lose weight?

Well, I am dead.
How are the kids?

Fine. Fine. Look...
This guilt is k*lling me.

Can't you ease off
just a little?

I'm not doing anything,
sweetheart.

This is your mind, remember?

But the guilt is because of you.

I haven't, you know, seen anyone
since you d*ed.

I didn't think you'd like it.

Duckman, thank you, but that
isn't any way to live your life.

Remember staking out that vendor
at the parade

the day you accidentally
caused my death?

One guilt at a time, okay?

Sorry. The point is...

I wasn't expecting
anything to happen.

But when your cigarette
punctured the Bullwinkle float

and he started losing helium
until his antler dipped into

the clown car and sent it
crashing

into Puff the Magic Dragon
who bounced off Snoopy

and knocked me into an open
manhole, k*lling me,

I realized this
could happen to anyone.

You never know
when it's your time, Duckman.

You should do
what makes you happy now.

He should?

And you don't have to change
your bill

to make you happy.

I liked it
better before.

It was more regal.

Regal?

I loved you exactly
the way you were.

I'll always be here.

You'll always
remember.

But you have to move on.

You're the one
who's still alive.

[roaring]

You won't need

that fire where
you're going, lady.

[yelling]

[coughing]

You forgot your son's birthday
last week.

Good-bye, Duckman.

Good-bye, Beatrice.

Oh, you're up.

You cured me!

I got my confidence back.

I slayed the dragon of guilt.
Now I'm ready to go out

and breathe
a little fire of my own!

Ah, the wondrous and mercurial

vicissitudes of the mind.

[cackling]

I'm back. Got the old bill,
a new attitude

and I'm ready
to take on the world.

Mr. Duckman,
this came for you earlier.

"Dear Ducky, Cornfed's
a little worn out

"from observing us all day.

"Thought you might want
to take over.

"Truth is, ever since
you resisted us last night

"we've been looking
to spend more time with you.

No one ever plays
hard to get with us."

Signed-- "The twins."
[door opens and closes]

How about a ski weekend?

Just the three of us,
all alone by a fire?

[gasping]