[wolf whistles]
[quacks]
DUCKMAN:
Oh! Unlucky seven.
Dame fortune, she's
a cruel mistress.
Let's see, this
is your piece
I do believe,
and you must move...
one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven spaces,
which lands you
smack-dab in the middle
of my rain forest
logging company.
[passes gas]
...which brings the grand total
you now owe me
to $164,552.17.
What the heck?
Let's round it up
to an even 200.
[passing gas]
What's that you say?
"I couldn't pay that back
if we played a hundred games"?
Oh, my goodness,
what to do, what to do?
Wait a minute!
A simple "X" on the dotted line,
changing a few
irrelevant clauses
in your will dealing with...
Oh, Duckman.
You weren't trying
to worm your way
back into that will, were you?
Why, Bernice,
I'm appalled.
Good. Because
I've been given
power of attorney
[grunting]
and any effective plan to
do so would have to begin
with my sudden
and untimely death.
[both laughing]
Mm-hmm.
Where did I put
that flak jacket?
You want to see our project
[water sloshing]
for the corporate theme
science fair?
Tar Master cigarettes,
Vein Burster beer
and Splatco handguns
are sponsoring a category
called "Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms:
Other Things
k*ll People, Too."
Hence, the Titanic.
non-drinking,
non-g*nsh*t deaths.
I thought this kind
of bloodsucking corporate greed
and hypocrisy
makes you boys sick.
True, but there's a cash prize.
Hmm.
I'm going.
Maybe I should get a sitter,
and you can come with me.
What? You're inviting me
to have an evening out
at the movies with you
and your friends?
No, I'm inviting you
to circle my car
around the block
for two hours.
Parking's miserable
at that theater.
[tires screech, horn honks]
Eh, too late. They're here.
Make sure the kids eat
a balanced dinner, Duckman.
Don't just order them some
Fat-N-Cholesterol Soaked Pizza
then fall asleep on the couch
watching the string bikini
volleyball channel,
allowing the three of them
to have the run of this place,
like some masked t*rrorists
in a Middle Eastern city.
DUCKMAN:
You worry too much, Bernice!
[engine revving]
[Middle Eastern music playing,
Duckman snoring]
[on TV]:
Ooh, my serve.
Wait. I have to adjust
my bikini top.
[girls giggling]
I'm just saying,
the more deaths,
the better chance we have
of first place.
If we call this the Lusitania
instead of the Titanic,
our chances of winning
are increased tenfold.
A fallacious assumption,
since the Titanic had
a far greater death toll.
Lusitania!
Titanic!
Lusitania!
[grunting and yelling]
[gagging]
[gasping]
Dad, Dad, wake up! Hurry!
What?
Bernice back already?
No, Dad, it's mambo.
I suggest you call 911
unless you want me to spend
the rest of my life
attached to a gangrenous
lump of flesh.
[shrieks]
WOMAN:
Hello. Female fantasy hot line.
Heh-heh. Must have hit
redial by mistake.
DUCKMAN:
Hello, 911?
This is going
to sound really farfetched,
but somehow, the Titanic
has become lodged
in my son's throat!
Don't worry, sir.
Just stay calm,
and we'll save your son.
Uh...
paper clips, ping-pong balls,
Quincy scripts, Pekinese dogs,
RuPaul, ships.
Andrea Doria, Lollipop,
Minnow, Poseidon...
Here we are-- Titanic.
Can you get ahold
of some ice?
Ice. Got it. Now what?
Pour the ice into his throat,
making sure
to hit the starboard bow
of the hull
below the waterline.
Ice bag dead ahead!
[metallic creaking, groaning]
[relived moan]
It worked. He's okay.
I'm so glad.
Listen, before you go, I...
I have to tell you,
you have a beautiful voice.
It's... well, I sort of talk
to a lot of women on the phone
but I've never heard
a voice like yours.
Thank you.
Actually, you have a very nice
voice yourself
and you seem to be
a wonderful father.
Well... good-bye.
[dial tone]
I just talked to an angel.
[burps]
An angel, Cornfed!
One phone call,
and I was swept away.
[Fluffy and Uranus giggling]
She is everything
I ever hoped for
in a woman!
Low standards?
I'm keeping
my fingers crossed.
It was incredible, Corny,
the way she made me feel things
as I listened to her.
Excuse me-- if this is
gonna get sordid...
Emotions, okay?
I felt emotions,
the kind I never feel anymore
and it's all
because of a voice--
that sweet,
willowy reed of a voice.
I want to do things
with her, Corny,
fun things, exciting things.
I want to paint her living room!
I want to go
to the tar pits!
I want to surf!
So, are you going to spend
the rest of your life
waxing your own board,
or you gonna call her back?
I tried.
Her supervisor
won't give me her name.
Some lame excuse
about a serial k*ller
who's been following
and chopping them into thousands
of little pieces.
One more overly cautious
reactionary
in a position of authority.
Exactly!
I gotta find her!
I gotta figure out
some way of tracking her down.
If only we knew someone
who was an expert
at that kind of thing.
Duckman, take a look
at the sign on the door.
Did we get evicted again?
[raspy chuckling]
You're incorrigible,
you big downy galoot.
I mean the sign that says
"private investigator."
If you want
to track her down,
why not use
your detective skills?
Don't toy with me,
Cornfed.
Why the hell would I want
to rely on those?
Touché.
Too bad it's against the law
to make dozens of 911 calls
till you find her
if you're not actually reporting
a real emergency.
Hmm. Fluffy? Uranus?
What can we do for you,
Mr. Duckman?
An impersonation.
Of what?
Drowning victims.
[spluttering]
My sons fell in the pool!
They're going under!
WOMAN [raspy]:
Okay. Stay calm.
Is there a rope
you can throw 'em?
Do you have a cold?
No.
Forget it! They gotta learn
to swim sometime!
* Love American style *
* Truer than the red,
white, and blue *
* Love American style *
* That's me and you *
* Love American style *
* Truer than the red,
white, and blue *
* Love American style *
* That's me and you. *
So what if I quit.
Light it!
There's nothing to lose.
My angel is lost to me.
Hi, Dad.
What you doing?
Throwing my life away
on a overpriced
marketing phenomenon
that will leave me
bedridden, tumorous
and politically incorrect.
Oh. Wish I had a hobby.
[phone ringing]
[screams]
Hello?
Yeah, he's here.
Dad, it's someone
named Angela.
Angela!
I don't know any Angelas.
She sounds like a rather young,
angelic woman,
if her willowy reed of a voice
is any indication.
[gasps]
What?!
Hello!
Hello, Mr. Duckman?
This is Angela
from the emergency hot line.
Angela.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I was wondering how
your son was doing.
Son? I have a son?
Oh, uh... Mambo. Fine, fine.
Small bit of discomfort in the
little boys' room this morning,
passing that smokestack...
otherwise shipshape.
I can't thank you enough
for all your help.
Well, you did
most of it yourself.
You know, a lot of people
don't keep their heads
in an emergency.
Oh, it was your voice--
it made me feel like...
well, like everything
would be okay.
Well... the reason
I called is I'm new here
and your son's was the first
life I ever helped save.
I just wanted to follow up.
I never want to forget,
there are real people
on the other end of the phone.
Wow.
What?
Uh, nothing, nothing.
I was just, uh... [laughing]
glancing down at my bicep.
At the risk
of sounding like a...
pimple-faced schoolboy,
I was wondering...
Sorry, I'm just
not very good at this.
I... I was wondering if,
well, you'd like
to have dinner with me tonight.
[sirens approaching]
Dinner?
You only have
to buy your half.
Just think of it
as a way to say thanks
for saving
my son's life.
Well, you sound nice.
Okay, I'll do it.
You will?
There's a little
Japanese restaurant
on Third Street.
Do you know it?
Yeah, I-I-I think so.
Just down from Vic's Fleshpot
and G-String Emp...
Yeah, I'll-I'll find it.
I'll-I'll find it.
Shall we say, uh...
half an hour?
Half an hour it is.
She said yes!
This little ducky
has a date!
Oh, happy day!
Ka-loo, ka-lay!
I'm going out with Angela!
[whistling]
A-scoobie-doobie-doo...
a-dooba-do... with me...
You looking
for an Angela?
All my life.
[gasps]
[gulps]
[screaming]
[horn honking,
tires screeching]
[crashing]
That was close.
Wait. No one could be that ugly.
Maybe I just caught a bad angle.
MAN:
You've got to look
beneath the surface.
That's true.
occur beneath the surface
of the t*nk.
All right!
I'm going to do this.
Look past the obvious.
Have the common decency
to sit down and appreciate her
for who she really is.
Are you Duckman?
I'm a sucker
for ambience.
MAN:
Hey, I can't see!
CHEF:
We fix in minute.
Have to serve
while still fresh.
[Kn*fe chopping]
MAN:
Aah! You cut off
my finger!
So, Angela, could I buy you
a face... a drink?
Uh, white wine
would be nice.
White wine.
On the way.
[woman shrieks]
Ouch! Sorry.
[clanging, clattering,
people yelling]
Bartender, I'll have
a white wine
and something to put me
out of my misery
in case these lights
come back on.
[glasses tinkling,
liquids pouring]
Thanks.
[people screaming,
glasses clattering]
Oops, sorry. Sorry...
Here you go--
white wine.
Thank you.
[Kn*fe chopping]
MAN:
My arm!
[Angela sips,
then splutters]
Excuse me.
This tastes like Drano.
Oop, that's mine.
[Kn*fe chopping]
[woman screams]
So... do I look at all
like you expected?
[splutters, coughs]
Sorry, they, uh, forgot
the lemon wedge.
That's the first time
someone else's drink
went to my head.
[both chuckle]
[Kn*fe chopping]
WOMAN [screams]:
My ear! That's my ear!
You look a lot
like I pictured--
someone who walks into a room
and commands attention.
You, uh...
you don't say.
Well, I'm the only living heir
to the throne of Sweden.
I hold the world record
in the mile
and I just got a medal
for taking a b*llet
meant for the president.
[Kn*fe chopping]
[man screams,
body thuds]
Actually, that's
not all true.
What part?
None of it.
I always kind of take
a small truth
and then
embellish it into...
well, a huge lie.
[Kn*fe chopping]
[man squawks]
I don't know
why I did that.
I've never admitted that
to anyone before.
Would it be forward of me
to hold your hand?
Not at all.
Huh. It's a little larger
than I would've expected.
My hand's over here.
Then whose hand
is this?
MAN:
Mine!
Throw it back, will ya?
[slapping,
woman screams]
Now, where was I?
Oh,yeah, I was, uh,
just about to tell you
I... I didn't know
what to expect tonight
but I'm enjoying it.
You, uh,
wouldn't happen to be
doing anything
tomorrow night?
[Kn*fe chopping]
[man screaming]
[yells]
Hmm...
You're dating
an ugly woman, aren't you?
How did you know?
I've fished out of that pond
a few times myself.
Dinners in the basement,
two-fers at the planetarium,
weekends in the darkroom
developing the pictures
you took in the basement
and the planetarium.
I know this
sounds corny, Corny,
but Angela brings out
the best in me...
you know what I mean?
Not exactly, no.
Well, we've been dating
for three weeks now,
and I don't belch around her.
I don't scratch hard-to-reach
body crevices.
I don't tell incredibly
tasteless jokes.
Except for the ones about
hermaphrodites-- I love those.
I think I'm in love.
Dear Diary,
Today I heard Duckman utter
the "L" word.
There is, of course,
one small hitch--
She's hideous!
She's got a face
that would scatter
a leper colony!
You got to look at her
through a box
with a little
hole in it.
Come on, Duckman.
She may be a little short
or a little tall,
but you can find
a good feature in everyone.
Oh, yeah?
Find a good feature
in this.
[muffled retch]
Nice photo finishing.
Good morning,
Misters Duckman and Cornfed.
The manwiches...
Oh, my, Mr. Duckman!
What happened to you?
He's dating an ug... a woman
who's facially challenged.
Shame on you, Mr. Cornfed!
All of God's creatures
are beautiful.
[both screaming]
You see?
Even they think so!
The woman
shatters mirrors!
But there must be more
to her than her looks.
Oh, sure.
She's smart, sensitive,
cheerful,
thought-provoking and loaded
with empathy and insight,
but how long
can that stay interesting?
Duckman, you obviously have
strong feelings for her.
You should
face your fears.
Take her out on a real date--
dancing, romantic music,
soft lights.
How soft?
They'd be on.
Forget it.
What if I came with you?
I'll rustle up
a filly of my own,
and we'll prove to you
that you don't have to be
ashamed to be seen with her.
Okay, Corny,
you're right!
Let's do it!
[both yelling]
Yes, uh...
table for four,
please.
[yells]
Well, I guess
it's seat yourself.
[shrieking]
[howls]
How's this table?
[patrons yelling,
screaming]
[chuckles]
Probably carpooling.
Corny, I want to dance.
The band is on
a break, Trudy.
Guess we can mime.
Your partner
seems nice.
I hope he likes me.
How could he
not like you?
You're sweet, you're funny,
you're, uh...
Did I mention
sweet and funny?
D'oh!
[glass breaks]
Maybe we should dance.
[screaming]
Eww!
[gags]
ANGELA:
I feel like we're all alone
out here.
Yeah, me, too.
Duckman, thank you
for tonight.
A rose for the lovely lady?
Or maybe a cube of sugar, huh?
Nobody insults
my girlfriend!
[people gasping]
[gasps]
Wait a minute!
Where are you going?
Duckman, I've had a lot of years
to get used to the fact
that I was born
with "colorful features"
but you haven't.
I hate to see the look
on your face
when you see the looks
on everyone else's
and I think it's time
I did something about it.
If it doesn't work,
you'll never have
to see me again.
[sniffing]
I need an opinion.
How's my...?
[coughing]
[wheezing]
[deep cough]
Cologne.
What's the occasion
for this olfactory outrage, Dad?
It so happens I have a date
and she'll be here any minute.
What does
she look like?
Must you be so shallow
as to focus on looks?
Like society's some kind of
pageant and we're all judged
on a meaningless detail
like appearance.
Gargoyle.
Gargoyle.
Okay, she's the bell ringer
at Notre Dame.
I don't care.
She's mine and I love her,
no matter what she looks like.
Truth is, I don't know
what she looks like.
I haven't seen her
in a week.
I called and called
until she finally admitted
she was getting
a complete makeover.
With a little luck,
she went from hideous
to butt ugly.
[doorbell rings]
ALL:
Humina-humina, how-wa.
Look, lady, whatever
you're selling,
I'll take 200 of them.
I don't care what they cost!
Duckman, it's me, Angela.
Angela?!
I mean who else
could it be, my love?
Come in.
Come in.
This is Bernice,
Charles and Merengue.
Mambo!
Eh, whatever.
Dad, you said
she'd be butt ugly.
Anything
but ugly, son.
[laughing]:
Can't leave out
such a key word.
It's a pleasure
to finally meet all of you.
Except where's Ajax?
When he heard his father had
a date, he ran up to his room.
He's a bit sensitive
about replacing his mother
since she d*ed.
Mama!
He seems to be
coming around.
How about you, Duckman,
what do you think?
It isn't much.
All they did was give me
a hair weave, a dye job,
contacts, change my wardrobe,
sand my face down,
buff it out and plaster it over
with 15 gallons of foundation.
Ha! And here I thought
it was the new shoes.
Come on, Angela,
I'll get you a drink,
and we can talk about
that childhood incident
that left you
so traumatized
you think
Duckman's a catch.
[raucous laughter
and snorting]
I did it!
I finally did it!
I've found someone
who's got it all,
who I can really fall for,
and who actually wants
to be with me!
Good thing, too.
Any other woman with those
looks and that charm
would drop you
in a heartbeat
for someone smarter,
better-looking
and more successful.
[whistling]
Holy guacamole.
Nice to see you again, Cornfed.
Angela?
You betcha.
I finally found a woman
I could love and respect.
Look, her eyes point
in the same direction.
Oh, hi, Mr. Duckman.
We're sorry about
our superficial reaction
to Angela's picture
last...
Ohh!
Ohh!
[gasps]
Get off her,
you neutered muppheads!
Oh, Duckman, they're so cute.
URANUS:
And we're not
really neutered.
Yike!
[giggling]
Quit your groveling.
You got
real work to do.
I need you to mail
Angela's picture
to all the girls
who wouldn't date me
in high school.
You're funny, Duckman.
And generous, too.
I got you
a gifty-poo.
Duckman, I love it.
And not cheap either.
It's real 50/50.
Put it on,
and I'll wear mine.
[low, raspy]:
Yeah.
Ooh.
Ow, baby!
[wolf whistling,
whooping]
Ow-wow-ow-wow-ooh!
It's okay.
You have to expect
that sort of thing
from construction
workers.
Ow, baby!
Ow-wow-ow-wow-ooh!
Ooh-ya-ya-ow!
Down! Ooh! Down!
She's the one.
Angela!
Angela!
Angela!
[heavy sigh]
Table for two.
Daah!
ANGELA:
Let's sit
at the same table.
I want tonight to feel just
like our first night here did.
We'll dance,
and we'll feel alone
again, just you and me.
It's Angela,
our woman of the hour.
CROWD [chanting]:
Angela! Angela!
Welcome to your
very own night, Angela,
where hundreds of people
you've never met
and couldn't care less about
have gathered to tell you
they love you.
So, let's sit you down
and let
the fawning begin.
Angela!
Angela!
Angela!
There you are.
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
I was hoping
we could dance
the last dance
together.
Yeah, well, I came out here
to think about things--
you and me.
And I'm thinking maybe tonight
was our last dance.
What?
You've got
plenty of people
who can give you
more than I can now.
The simple truth is
I'm not good enough
for you anymore.
I can't compete with the
whole rest of the world.
It's only a matter of time
before you find something
better and leave me,
so why don't save us both
the wait and say good-bye now.
Duckman, you're wrong.
None of these
other people mean a thing to me.
I did what I did
because of you--
because I was falling
in love with you.
I'm not going
to leave you.
Maybe this
isn't the time.
Can we meet tomorrow night?
You'll feel better then.
Maybe at the
Japanese restaurant
where we first
saw each other?
I'll be there at 8:00.
BERNICE:
Duckman, it's 10:00.
Weren't you going
to meet Angela at 8:00?
I changed my mind.
I'm not going.
What did you do to her?
Nothing.
I did something for her.
She's got a chance
at a new life.
She shouldn't
settle for me.
I wouldn't let her live.
I'd spend the rest of our lives
holding her back
'cause I was afraid
of losing her.
I'm sorry, Duckman.
[ringing]
Let it ring.
[ringing]
[ringing]
[ringing]
01x12 - About Face
Watch/Buy Amazon
In a universe where humans and anthropomorphic animals coexist, the series centers on Eric Tiberius Duckman, a widowed, lewd, self-hating, egocentric anthropomorphic duck who lives with his family in Los Angeles and works as a private detective.
In a universe where humans and anthropomorphic animals coexist, the series centers on Eric Tiberius Duckman, a widowed, lewd, self-hating, egocentric anthropomorphic duck who lives with his family in Los Angeles and works as a private detective.