02x04 - Inherit the Judgement: The Dope's Trial

[bunniefuu]

[quacks]

[sizzling]

[gasping]:
Duckman...

I beg you...

open windows...

No. Aerodynamics...

bad mileage...

What about the boys?

They're having a ball.

Right, guys?

Oh, yeah.

Where to next week?

The sun?

How's Ajax?

Glassy-eyed,
slack-jawed, drooling...

Good...

Ajax... normal.

[gasps]

Water!!

[tires squealing]

[noisy slurping]

[all burping]

No time for bathrooms.

We'll sweat it
out in the car.

Listen, shvitz for brains.

We've been driving for hours.

Before we all became
too delirious

from the heat to question you
about it,

you said we were going
for ice cream.

We are, and I just need to make

a teensy, little stop
along the way.

Let met guess-- you heard
about a jumbo jet crash

and we're all going out
to lie down in the wreckage

so we can get a piece
of the settlement money.

I still say we'd be rich today
if you hadn't flinched

when the doctor was checking
for paralysis with that pin.

Anyway, this one's really gonna
be great. Ready?

I got a flier in the mail
that says

I can get
a free clock radio-- free--

All I have to do is
drive across five states

and hear a week-long sales pitch

for time-share condos
in Gleen Bay.

The town's called
Green Bay.

No, it's actually Gleen Bay.

"A secret city built beneath
Green Bay in the 1800s

by Chinese railroad workers."

They say, you can still hear
the screams.

Dad, why would you want
to buy a condo

in a haunted,
subterranean ruin?

Oh, if women were only
as gullible as children,

how much more fun
dating would be.

Charles, the condo
wouldn't be for me.

It'd be an investment.

Gee, and for a minute, I thought
you were a total imbecile.

Bernice, I am sick and tired
of you treating me

like some dim bulb melon-head

who's always on the verge
of his next screw-up.

All right, who had
"destroys car"

in the next Duckman
screw-up pool?

I had "buys
Lincoln Memorial."

"Loses house
in pyramid scam."

"Herpes."

[siren blaring]

[hillbilly accent]:
You folks lost?

[baby talking]:
Ooh, no, Officer.

We had the itsy bit
of car twouble,

and, well, if you could dwive us
to town in your big, shiny car,

it would sure be a big
help-aly, welp-aly

to little willy me.

You folks lost?

Bernice, let me
handle this.

I speak yokel.

Uh, Deputy, sir,
we sho nuff gots us

a plumb dilly
of a predicament here,

and we needs your help
to keep us a-movin' on.

You folks lost?

[snoring]

[speaking gibberish]

You get the sense
the gene pool around here

could use
a little more chlorine?

Now, now don't be snobs.

This is the heartland,

the soul of our country,

the moral center
of our national identity.

[slurring]:
Does this look infected?

Let's blow this hellhole!

All right. I'll go
with Johnny One Note,

see the sheriff
about getting our car fixed.

Why don't you see if there's
any place to eat here

where the menu doesn't have
the word "lips."

MAN:
I come home from a hard
shift at the manure plant

and find you sitting
in front of the damn TV!

WOMAN:
Sis told me,

"Don't marry our brother.

He's crazy."

MAN:
Shut your pothole!

I'm gonna have a drink
with Jim-Bob, Bob-Bob and Cal.

Erlene, you almost
made me hit

a two-headed kid,
you cow.

What's this?

Nielsen box--
whole trailer park's got 'em.

[h*nky-tonk music playing]

DUCKMAN:
Fun, fun.

I haven't seen a crowd
this hostile

since the Jackson Family Honors.

[snorting and blowing]

What'll it be?

[refined accent]:
Tampico and soda

with vodka ice cubes,

a float and a saucer
of Scotch and Pepto-Bismol.

A Duckman Depth Charge!

How'd you...?

King Chicken!

Accept no substitute.

Well, take my advice, K.C.,

you and your Sunshine Band
had better shake your booties.

I'm meeting the sheriff here,

and as soon as I give him
the skinny on you,

your fat's in the fryer.

He'll make chicken soup
out of your matzo balls.

You're gonna be up to your neck
in biscuits and coleslaw.

You...
Anyone else hungry?

Anyway, Chicken Man,
you're going straight to jail.

[laughter]

What, is... something
hanging out of my bill?

Hey, nice coat,

but you got a little something
stuck on your shirt.

Ki-ya! You are such
a mallard-headed nitwit.

I'm the sheriff here.

It's my hometown.

Everyone in Coopville
is related--

sometimes in two or three ways.

So, everyone is my kin,
which is why

I'm also mayor,
justice of the peace, D.A.,

notary public and the sole owner

of the only frozen yogurt place
in town.

Are mix-ins extra?

[sarcastic laughter]

Oh, I never get tired
of your... wit.

All right, King Chicken,

you've got me,
but let my family go.

I don't want you.

Even better. Well, take
whichever one of them you want,

but let me and the rest go.

I'm not going to hurt anyone,
Duckman.

In fact, I've already
had your car repaired

and would be honored
if you would allow me

to buy you a drink
before I send you on your way.

What?!
Why would you let me go?!

So that one day,
when you least expect it,

I will trap you
in an elaborately woven web

of diabolical deceit,
craven cruelty

and evil so terrible
that it will turn your life

into an unending,
torturous hell on Earth

where you'll be too frightened
to die

and too damned to scream!

Well, in that case,
let's have that drink.

Here, have one of mine.

[loud gulping]

[raspy-voiced]:
Smooth.

Sheriff, we found her
snooping around the park bench.

It's called sitting,
you podunk pinhead,

and if you don't let go,

I'm going to plant my foot
so deep in your keister,

they'll start calling you
Nike-breath!

[silkily]:
Why, King Chicken, Evil Genius.

How nice to
see you again.

And how nice to be seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So...
if Creature Feature is over,

what say we make
like a ske and daddle.

Before you go,
may I propose a toast?

Well, why not?
Here's one of my favorites:

"An Indian stick
is called a totem,

but underneath
is a big, swinging..."

I have my own, thanks.

"To Duckman,
wherever he may travel,

"may he always know the answer
to that most sacred question:

Which came first,
the chicken or the egg?"

The egg.
[all gasp]

Uh, chicken?

Good citizens of Coopville,

there is serious work to do.

This heretic, this devil,

this Duckman wants to subvert
our way of life,

fill our wholesome community

with his big-city disease
and corruption.

Will we let him?

ALL:
No!

I promise you this:

I will act on your behalf,

always obeying the will
of that greatest power on Earth,

that most potent example
of democracy in action,

an unruly mob!

[cheering and g*nshots]

I'm going to get out of here,
you lousy screw!

They ain't built a joint
that can hold me.

You hear me, screw?!
I'm getting out!

Hey! My little sister
made this cup in metal shop.

She was so proud of it.

Now it's all bent
and stuff.

Sorry.

Sure, you're mad
at being hanged and all,

but you didn't have
to take it out on this cup.

I said I was sorry.

Well, don't hurt nothing else.

Okay!

Like that stool--
my brother made that,

and that pillow--
my sister-in-law sewed it,

and that bucket...

I said okay!

You got a visitor.

Just be thankful,
you're not a cup.

Corny! Am I glad
you're here.

They stuck me in jail
just because

I said that the egg
came before the chicken.

[grunts]
They disagree.

It's heresy in this town
to challenge

their theory
of Chicken Creationism--

the deeply held belief

that the chicken came
before the egg.

It's the same kind of mindless,

intellectually bankrupt
belief system

once found in the druids
or the Reagan Administration.

Did you talk
to my lawyer/urologist

Donald "The Shiv" Grillo?

Yes, but he didn't
talk back.

He's dead-- a rare case
of peacetime fragging.

Damn Coast Guard Reserve.

My watertight butt
is in a sling.

Now I have no lawyer
to defend me.

Objection. I clerked
for a Supreme Court Justice

to finance my way
through VCR repair school.

Relax, Duckman.
I'll get you off.

I mean, I'll see
that you're found not guilty.

I hope so.

Boy, Bernice and the kids
must be worried sick.

Whee!

[carnival music plays]

[laughing]

When people on TV watch TV,

is everything backwards?

[all gasping]

Wouldn't baseball be more
exciting if the bats were alive?

[all gasping]

Sometimes I get
a really bad headache,

like my head is in a vise,

and usually it turns out
that's exactly what's wrong.

[screaming]

How'd you get to be
such a good sh*t?

I've got this
machine at home.

I can't wait to show you
the Coopville Spittoon Museum

and Mucatorium.

My heavens, how your civic pride
impresses me!

If I tell you
what impresses me about you,

you'll blush.

[giggling]:
Tee-hee!

I try to stay firm.

You succeed!

[giggling]

Were you abused
by your parents?
No.

Teased at
school?
No.

A victim of
racial rage?
No.

Sexually harassed?
No.

Fired for being
chronically tardy?
No.

You ever eat
Twinkies?

It's no use! They've got me!

Mother of Mercy!
Is this the end of Duckman?!

Duckman, we've
been caged,

beaten, chased by murderers,
blasted by computers,

and through all that,
one thing never fails:

the way you fall apart
right before crunch time,

crying and moaning,

like a spineless
and pathetic little pansy.

What's your point?

No point. Just venting.

[yells]

This is like coupon night
at Sizzler.

Let's string
the gol-darn egg lover up.

Now, don't you go
and do anything drastic,

Uncle Goopy.

He's got a right
to a fair trial.

That's why I got a judge

from outside of Coopville
to preside.

Hey, that's mighty
white meat of you.

Allow me to introduce
Judge Kennesaw Mountain Chicken.

Huh. What are the odds he has
the same last name as you?

Well, of course, he does.

He's my pappy.

Your pappy?! But you just said
an impartial judge

from outside Coopville!

That's right, Duck-tari.

Pappy lives in Bixley.

You mean...?

Exactly.

The town line
is right behind you.

Coopville, Bixley,
Coopville, Bixley.

[crowd laughing]

Coopville, Bixley,
Coopville, Bixley.

[nails screeching]

We gonna give him
a fair trial, all right.

Then, we gonna string him
and swing him

by his scrawny, sinnin' neck

until... he... is... dead.

Can somebody get him a tic tac?

[bell tolling]

Friends of the
prosecution

to the right.

Defense to
the left.

Ajax.

[Elvis-type
entrance music playing]

[people cheering
and clamoring]

Squeal. Look.

I got his autograph.

It's for a friend of mine

who happens
to be named... Cornfed.

On a brighter note,

I spoke to Fluffy and Uranus
this morning.

They said they're
working night and day

to gather evidence
that may help acquit you.

It's limbo time!

What the heck you staring at?

Is it my big, ugly butt?

Oyez, oyez, oyez!

Yeah?

Chester Oyez,

we've been through this
a million times.

Oh, right. Forgot.

All rise for His Honor

Judge Kennesaw Chicken.

[people cheering]

Hold it down, folks.

Want to be able to hear them
building the gallows, don't we?

[laughter]

Pappy... uh, Your Honor,
I move that we dispense

with jury selection
and empanel the people

who mistakenly
sat in the jury box

instead of
the gallery.

Motion granted.

Jury is accepted.

Your client has been charged
with espousal of Egg-olutionism.

Who will present his case first?

I won the toss.

Your Honor, ladies
and gentlemen of the jury,

I intend to... uh,

Your Honor, I feel it might
unduly prejudice the jury

if you continue to allow

the district attorney
to sit on your lap.

Very well.

Sonny, go on over there.

We will prove
beyond the shadow...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sit down and shut up.
You made your point.

Yeah, I've laid
the groundwork.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

think of an innocent child
picking a daisy

on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

Now, imagine Duckman roaring
out of nowhere,

driving a large truck.

He hits her and kills her.

Then he backs up
and he runs over her

again and again and again!

A sadistic beast

with a deranged,
savage lust for blood.

Objection. What's this fantasy
got to do

with the case before the court?

Sustained.

The jury will
disregard the fact

that the defendant
wantonly, brutally

and carelessly k*lled
a little girl.

Ha! Won that one.

So, you can't
say for sure

that Duckman is not
the Anti-Christ come to flesh.

No more questions,
Your Honor.

Defense, cross?

No. Just
a little peeved.

[chuckling]

Order! Order!

Levity will not help
your case one bit.

His character?

Well... he did refuse
to give to Jerry's Kids.

His exact words were,
"I don't give money to anyone

who can't walk up to me
and thank me for it."

Objection.

On what grounds?

The need to distract the jury
from hearing the truth.

Overruled, overruled, overruled!

Yeah?

Fred Overruled,

you sit your butt down.

This is gonna continue
being a problem, ain't it?

He said egg!

Plain as day,
I heard him say egg!

Came right out
and said egg, he did.

Egg!
Egg!

Egg!
Egg!

Egg!
Egg!

Egg!
Egg!

You folks lost?

I mean... Egg.

Egg.
Egg.

Egg.
Egg.

Egg.
Egg.

Your Honor, I believe

the prosecution
has made its point,

plus, some people are sneaking
back in line for seconds.

He's just mad because he doesn't
have any witnesses of his own.

I'm afraid
that's a forfeit!

It's a do-over.
Forfeit.

Do-over.
Forfeit.

Do-over.
It's a forfeit!

Duckman,
is there anything you want

before I sentence you to death?

To sit through
the entire director's cut

of Dances with Wolves?

Ha! I can't wait

to see you dangle.

King, I-I never dreamt
you found me attract...

Quiet! Duckman, this court has
no choice but to find you...

Hold it, Your Honor!
Wait!

Where did you kids
get this stuff?

We were able to research
case law in forensics

using a computer
spectroscope and centrifuge,

we built out of sagebrush
and manure.

We saw it on MacGyver.

Duckman, did you know

that it was against
the law to say egg?

Uh... ha... eee... no?

Ignorance of the
law is no excuse.

Actually, this is

the one time where ignorance
is a legal excuse.

I didn't know that.

[murmuring]
Me neither.

Well, looks like I got no choice

but to find the defendant
not guilty.

Not so fast.

I'm taking on my own defense,

and I wish to call a witness.

In light of the fact
that this case is won

and at the risk
of sounding insubordinate,

are you out
of your [bleep] mind?

I've got a plan, Corny.

Duckman, the lawyer
who represents himself

has a fool for a client.

Exactly, old friend.

The defense calls
King Chicken!

Let the defense
have its fishing expedition.

The people are confident.

Do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?

That I'm evil incarnate
notwithstanding, I do.

King Chicken, was it
you or me that day

who said egg?

This is your plan?

Just answer
the question.

It was you.

Exa... Oops.

Well, was my saying egg

in any way because
of ventriloquism?

And remember,
you're under oath.

No. There was no ventriloquism.

Uh, ha-ha.

Did you, uh, use any kind
of a hypno-ray on the crowd

that made them hear "egg"
when I really said "chicken"?

You idiot! I assumed
you had a reason for...

Ah! You assumed!

Is that correct?

[choking growl]

Yes!

Well, you shouldn't assume

because when you assume, you...

you... wait.
There's a trick here.

I used to know it.

You slobbering, simpering...

Your Honor,
I am not the one

who's on trial here.

Actually, you are the one
who's on trial here.

Well, then forget
I said anything.

Is it true you're
really Japanese?

I'm not Japanese!

You just said you were.

I didn't know
you was Japanese.

I'm not! I'm not Japanese!

Methinks thou doth protest
too much!

Me further thinks that thou
doth commitst yon crime

and does forthwith,
to wit, to woo

doth pinn't on me,
yet blam't on you.

You're mad!
You're stark raving mad!

Perhaps, but would it
surprise you to learn

that there is a method
to my madness?

Yes!

Me, too!

What are you talking about?

I don't know, but I do know

that even though there isn't
a thought in my head,

it is my right as an American
to talk and talk and talk

and talk and talk
and talk and talk and...

[yammering]

I can't take it anymore!

I confess!

I masterminded the whole thing.

I sent the condo flier,
I built the water fountain,

I sabotaged your car--
all part of my plan

to start a new world

worshipping at an altar
of my own design.

Chicken Creationism

would infect
every town and city--

a massive organization
of small-minded intolerance

so powerful it could
defeat anything

except, of course,
N.Y.P.D. Blue,

and I would be the messiah,
but I knew I needed a Judas,

so I drugged you to say egg

and made you
an enemy of the people--

the glue to hold
my society together,

for nothing so unites
the ignorant masses

like a common hatred.

I still get
the clock radio, right?

Why, you...!

You want to know
why I did this?

Made fun of you
when you were kids,

ridicule, get your revenge,
who's laughing now,

the whole schmear, right?

Oh. Right.

Hang him high.
But, Pappy...

Pappy nothing.
You're a bad seed.

You're power-hungry,
crazy as a loon;

plus, your frozen yogurt's
too damn expensive.

Oh, Kingy!

I'll always remember
our time on the bicycle,

and the time
under the porch,

and those two times

inside the mechanical clown
at Burger Barn.

Bernice, one kiss
before I die.

Ugh!

[sobbing]:
Adieu... Adieu!

Yeah?

I hate this town.

Thanks for all your help, boys,

but deep down,
I knew I'd win.

I've got a higher power
on my side.

You mean...?

Even higher than that.

[Paramount logo music playing]

Let's go home.

BERNICE:
That's funny.

One of my hairpins
is missing.

[fiendish laughter]

[stuttering]

That's everything
we've got, people.