03x05 - Sperms of Endearment

[bunniefuu]

[whistles]

[quacks]

Go get it,
boy! Fetch!

Ew!

Frisbee slobber.

Bad Ajax!

Wiener! Wie-ner!

Who wants to buy my wiener?

Noel Coward's got
nothing on this duck.

Salmagundi for Charles,

rumaki for Mambo,

couscous for Ajax...

Oh, my.

Duckman's sandwich
is covered with ants

and dirt
and shards of broken glass

and discarded razor blades.

Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy, I fell
and hurt my knee.

Uh... well...

[whimpering]

Oh, don't cry, pumpkin.

You hurt your kneesy-weesy?

Let's look
at your wittle weg.

Oh, I don't see
any bruise here.

That's my arm.
It is?

You mean I've been walking
on my arms all this time?

[laughing]

See? That wasn't so bad.

Why, I bet it doesn't
hurt at all.

Child snatcher!
Baby thief!

I-I-I was
just helping her.

She must have thought
I was you.

Hmm... Baby Sally is
desperately nearsighted

and you did do a good job
of cleaning her knee.

I'm sorry.

You must be
a loving mother yourself.

A mother?

Well, technically I...

No.

High priestess of Satan!

"I love you, Mother."

"Mom, we love you."

"I'd love you as much
as my actual life-giving mother

if such a thing
could be possible."

[groans]

Raising my
sister's children

I feel like a mother, I...

They treat me like their mother

but deep down, I know I'm not.

I'm something less.

Oh, listen to me blather on!

If there's one thing
we modern women believe in

it's that a female
doesn't need a child

to make her life complete.

So tell me--
what's new with you?

I'm pregnant!

I had triplets last week.

I think my water just broke!

My loving family,

I've gathered you here
this evening

for a very special
announcement...

[grunting]

[burps]

Sorry I'm late.

You know how crazy
the '90s workplace is.

Paperwork... uh, staples.

That doesn't explain
the grass skirt.

Oh, like I'm the only one here
who likes to unwind

by watching topless, shimmying,
pre-pubescent Polynesians?

Who's with me on this?

Well, now that Duckman

has disgracedus
with his presence

I have something
I'd like to share.

Ah! More kielbasa
from Passover.

Shut up, you quackhead!

[calmly]:
After months of deliberation

I have decided to listen
to my inner yearnings

and have a child!

[screams]

[cheering]

Oh, wow!

Aunt Bernice, great.

[giggling goofily]

Bernice, we can't
afford another kid.

Things are
already so tight

Ajax and I have
to share a bed.

What? I get scared
during thunderstorms.

Look, I'm putting my foot down
and I say no more rug rats!

Well, I'm putting
my foot down, too,

and I say that if I want
to have a little baby

with whom I can be a warm,
sensitive, loving, nurturing,

caring, doting, adoring,
gentle and compassionate mother,

it's none
of your frigging business!

Pass the crumb cakes.

Ajax, I'm touched
you'd wear a baby costume

just to make me feel better.

Costume?

By the way, I just made
boom-boom.

Aunt Bernice, we're so happy
you've given voice

to your natural urges.

Now, if we could
only keep Dad

from doing the same.

[laughing and howling]

Remind me to have these
windows painted over.

[giggling continues]

Well, I'm off to find

a gorgeous, brilliant,
non-impotent man.

Be back by 10:00.

These church mixers
are wonderful.

One of you lucky fellas
will get to know me

in the Biblicalsense

as long as you're [a] single

tested

[c] willing to commit

and [d] heterosexual?

Did I say "heterosexual"?

I meant "breathing!"

You both passed!

See anything
you like, Adonis?

So it's true.

If you take too many steroids,
you do grow breasts.

[grunting]

My darling Bernice, destiny
and a dating service united us.

Eternity shall never divide us.

Arnoud, you madman.

I am yours.

Just out
of idle curiosity

does that CD player
feature multi-disk shuffle?

Thank you for
offering to test

all my appliances for...

What did you
call it again?

Um, electromagnetic magnoplasmic
mishmogmung...

[romantic orchestra playing]

[groaning]

Is your life without meaning?

Yes.

Are you a lonely woman
over the age of 18?

Or over 13 if currently residing
in the state of Mississippi?

Yes.

Do you feel like
a complete and total failure?

Watch it!

Well, we've got the cure
for what ails you.

One word: Sperm.

Sperm?

Yes, sperm.

Ladies, don't
clutter up your life

with some sort
of meaningless relationship

just to have a child.

At Simply Sperm,
we eliminate the middleman.

We're up to our necks in sperm.

We're practically
giving it away--

and we're talking high-quality,
grade-A sperm

not the inferior
Australian sperm

that our competitors feature.

Get out of your rut.

Change your life.

Sperm.

I'm coming!

[yelling]

Sperm is for external use only.

Simply Sperm brand sperm

contains no less
than 50% actual sperm.

Do not operate heavy machinery
while using sperm.

Not to be confused

with the Sperm School
of Broadcasting.

[Duckman yells]

[phone ringing]

Out of my way, missy.

I've got a job to do.

When a boy's flying solo,
he needs his inspiration.

[laughs]

I can tell by the way

you're eyeing
the emergency exit

you're experiencing

some second thoughts.

That's normal,

but rest assured

our state-of-the-art
fertilization facility

employs only highly-
trained professionals.

Look, Dr. Bubbles
is doing rounds.

Wait a second-- aren't you
the same sleazy con artist

who sold my family a near-fatal
home security system

and administered an overpriced
funeral for my mother,

even though
she wasn't even dead yet?

It's been too long.

Terry "Duke" Tetzloff,
owner-slash-operator

of this little enchilada.

Diversification
is imperative

in today's
business climate.

That's why I like
having my hands

in many different things,
one of which is sperm.

And now, let
the impregnations begin!

Wait a second-- don't I need
a physical first?

Actually, I went through the
trouble of performing one

while we were standing
here talking.

You passed.

Look, Dr. Tetzloff...

Sorry. By order
of the courts

you can't call me
"doctor" anymore.

A little tonsil/heart
extraction mix-up.

Amazing what a difference
six inches can make.

Okay, Mr. Tetzloff.

This is a very big step for me.

What kind of man will be
fathering my child?

Here's a little sperm
you may find interesting.

[sniffs]
Light, but not fruity.

It's not often
you find a hint of nutmeg.

And the donor is

handsome, romantic, idealistic
enjoys water sports.

Water sports?

I love wet athletes!

I-I-I-I

I don't know.

It's such a
big decision.

Maybe I better think
this out a little more.

I understand.

Weigh your options
carefully.

Make a rational decision.

I hope my daughter grows up
to be just like you.

You have a... daughter?

Little Susie,
aka the greatest thing

that ever happened to me.

In fact, she's here right now.

Thank you, Daddy,
for giving me the gift of life.

You're welcome,
little Susie.

Oh, I could have been selfish

and not made the
reasonably priced

and relatively
pain-free sacrifice

that brought you
into this world,

but then my life would be
devoid of meaning and direction.

It's amazing how happy
we've made one another.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you,
Daddy.

[distorted]:
I love you, I love you,
I love you, I...

Uh, sometimes she
gets a little nervous
when in the throes

of life-affirming ecstasy.

So, then

what's it going to be?

Giver of life, or
countdown to menopause?

Mr. Tetzloff, fill 'er up.

Let's see, you wanted that
special, priceless sperm.

Hey, Eddie,
you got any number 19 left?

Oh... be gentle with me.

[tango music playing]

♪

[slurping]

Ah. Everyone, I want you to know
that I made

the most important decision
a woman can make.

Today, I was inseminated.

All right!
You and Roseanne!

Wow. I was thinking of going
into the priesthood too.

Ajax, inseminated--

at Simply Sperm.

Wait a minute-- you mean
the Simply Sperm sperm bank?

Oh, you've heard of it?

Heard of it?
I'm a card-carrying member.

That drive-thru window with
the strap-on pneumatic pump...

Huh-ho, so many memories.

[laughing]

Oh! Come on, what
was I thinking?

This receipt
says my donor is

Handsome...
handsome...

BOTH:
Romantic, idealistic...

Enjoys water sports?

In fact, I'm late for a date
right now.

Aar-gh!

Ah, did I miss something?

Not much, Dad.

Just that Aunt Bernice
may be carrying your baby.

Aar-gh!!!

Aargh?

Aunt Bernice!
Aunt Bernice!

Give us some sign
you're alive!

That'll do.

[choking]

How could you
do this to me,

you jaundiced,
right-handed gigolo?!

Of all the inbreds

to be going around
selling his sperm!

Wait a second, selling?

I thought it was just
some kind of social club.

You know, a bunch of guys
with similar interests
hanging out.

Geez, figure
at a few bucks a pop,


seven days a week,

take off that morning
for my wife's funeral...

I hate you, Duckman!

Finally I'm having a baby

and it's yours!

[crying]

[doorbell rings]

Corny, this isn't
really a good time.

My contract stipulates
I must appear in every episode

for at least ten seconds.

Oh. Work okay?
Fine.

How's the wife?
Not married.

Favorite Beatle?
Ringo.

You know,
if you let me stay,

I can easily solve
whatever crisis you may...

[imitates buzzer,
slams door]

So, any more soup left?

Dad, Aunt Bernice
needs you.

The creation of life
is a precious thing.

An awesome
responsibility
for both of you.

How about crackers?

Come on, Dad,
what are you going to do?

Rip this family's heart out

and march around with it
on a stick?

Or act as the same
caring, loving father

to Aunt Bernice's baby
as you've been to us?

If you tell anyone
I said that,

I won't use deodorant
on my side for a month.

[Bernice sobbing and wailing]

Oh... okay.

I'll take care
of Mother Inferior.

You two
take care of Ajax.

[gasping]

[sobbing]

Bernice?

Bernice, uh...

look, maybe we don't always
see eye to eye, and...

maybe we don't get along.

Maybe I violently hate you
and everything you stand for,

but when does that
ever stop two people

from having a baby?

Uh...

I, uh...

I haven't really thought it
all through yet, but...

well, I...

I guess I'm part of this, too,
you know.

In for a dime, in for a dollar.
[chuckles]

And, uh... well, I...

I'll try and do what I can
to support and care for ou...

ou...

ou-our child.

[sniffling]

Well, you-you-you think
about it.

I'll go now,
unless you say something,

in which case, I'll,
I'll stay right here.

So, here I go.

I'm going.

Go am I.

My...

my first Lamaze class
is tomorrow morning.

Bernice, you can count on me.

Nothing will prevent me
from being right by your side.

Don't worry.

I'm sure the father
will be here any second.

He just got... held up.

I'm sure he'll be here, too.

But just in case,

we have something for
just such an occasion.

Meet Sven.

He used to crash-test Volvos.

And he helped me through
a long and difficult labor

when my own spit-sucking pus-bag
of a husband got "held up"!

Everyone, embrace
your partner.

[blowing whistle]

All right,
somebody order a labor coach?

Whoa-ho, you the teacher?

I'd like to clap your erasers
after school.

Hey, poppin' mamma.

Want to see if we can
turn that into twins?

Sorry, beefcake.

How was I to know
she was seeing someone?

There's my victim
of love.

Tried to get here sooner,

but I was catching
some quality TV time,

watching that movie Aliens.

Don't you just love it when
the slimy, mucous-covered freak

bursts out
of the lady's stomach?

[all gasping
and retching]

The partner must make sure

every part of the mother's body
is relaxed--

her arms, her legs,
her breasts.

If her breasts
were any more relaxed,

they'd be in the basement.

To be sure, you have to touch
every part of her body.

Really?

Anybody got a stick?

Imagine the child

they're going to
bring into the world.

We might as well alert
the Child Welfare Board now.

[snickering]

How dare you cast aspersions
on our child-rearing abilities

you latte-licking, polo-playing,
range-roving, ER watching

J. Crew-cutted poseurs!

Our baby's going to be
the handsomest, smartest,

nonstupidest baby ever,

and he or she's going to kick

your, he, she or its
pampered little butt!

Come on, darling, let's
just have a Caesarean.

Duckman, you really do
want this baby, don't you?

Yeah.

I guess I... I really do.

[grunting]

[woman crying]

[baby crying]

Sorry, Great-
Grandma-Ma-To-Be.

The woman carrying
my baby

needs that easy chair
more than... [grunts] you.

Duckman, this really
isn't necess...

I beg to differ, little
mumsie tumsie woomsy soonsy.

You got a big checkup tomorrow,
so sit back, relax

and let Duckman prepare
for our Fetus DeMilo.

I have to childproof every
socket wedge, ledge and outhouse

within a 30-mile radius,

but before that,
I'll coat our walls

in nonleaded,
spearmint-flavored paint.

You know, these past few days

I've started seeing your father
in a whole new light.

[harp playing]

At this pace,
in 30 years,

I can work my way up
to idiot savant.

Bernicey,
how went the exam?

With my seed, you had to pass
with flying placenta.

Everything is
absolutely wonderful,

smooth-sailing,

sunshine and
lollipops.

A moment of your time.

Before I can elaborate,

I just need
a quick signature here,

here, here and here.

Congratulations,
Mr. Duckman.

It's a boy?!

Even better.
You're now the proud owner

of a two-and-a half
bath timeshare

in beautiful
Laughlin, Nevada.

Let me go fetch
your receipt

and complimentary
power of attorney forms.

Oh, and before I forget,
the insemination didn't take.

Didn't take?!
What are you saying, Doc?

My g*n's sh**ting blanks?

My gas ain't leaded?
My juice isn't loose?

My piston's not pumping?
My jack's not hammering?

Mr. Duckman, no one's
questioning your virility.

In fact, I can smell
your testosterone from here.

It's just that I've never seen
a sperm and egg so incompatible,

so outright hostile
toward one another.

Take a look-see.

Sad, I know.

The whole shebang
down the fallopian tubes.

Well, modern medical ethics
dictate that I tell

the prospective mother
the bad news.

Unfortunately, it's nap time.

[snoring]

BERNICE
Look around you, Duckman.

The whole world's
taken on a new glow.

Bernice, there's
something I...

Duckman!

I felt the baby kick!

Feel.

That's just your pimento
loaf sundae talking.

Duckman, is there
something... wrong?

The, uh...

insemination.
it...

it didn't take.

It...

didn't?

Maybe it just wasn't
meant to be.

Still...

I've wanted this baby
so badly.

Duckman, I did
so many stupid things.

Fell for the wrong guys,

turned to Tetzloff and
his seedy sperm bank.

Who would've thought

you'd be the
one good thing

about the whole
experience?

You know, Bernice,

we could always try again
the natural way.

The way God meant it to be.

Both of us drunk
out of our minds

and fantasizing
about somebody else.

I guess we can go back to
the way we were before--

hating each
other's guts.

Dismissing each other
with venomous insults.

[half-heartedly]:
You yellow-colored jerk.

You... too-busy meany.

Maybe it's
for the best.

Besides, I'm not sure
the world is ready

for any more
little Duckmen.

[evil cackling]

[Tetzloff screaming]

[laughter and screaming
continues]

[Tetzloff screaming]