03x08 - Clear and Presidente Danger

[bunniefuu]

[ whistles ]

MAN [over speaker]:
McJagger's. Can I help you?

Yeah. Give me a Beggar's
Banquet Burger,

a Goat's Head scoop
of Going-to-a-Cocoa yogurt

and a Beast McBurden Value Meal
with Paint It Black coffee.

And don't skimp
on the game pieces!

[ quiet scraping ]

I only need
the Jann Wenner to win.

Damn! I wonder what closet
they hid that one in?

Oh, well, time for Plan B.

...and since my mother
was eaten by opossums,

finding this was
a tad bit traumatic.

Of course,

I'm open to a settlement.

If I had a nickel
for every bloke with an opossum

I'd buy out my contract so Mick
couldn't keep involving me

in all these
merchandising schemes.

And I'm the lucky one.

Woody silk-screens
t-shirts

and Keith does
customer service

for the Stones
credit card.

Rolling Stones card.

Account number, please?

[ coughing and hacking ]

Oops! Bad lid.

Now I'll have to sue you
for, say, $5 million

or the winning game piece--

whichever would cause you
the least hardship.

A tropical vacation!

And after only three months
of intensive care.

Just shows you
what hard work

and self-immolation
will get you.

Stow it in the
overhead, scabbo!

This third world "paradise"
you're taking us to

is a squalid armpit
full of dirt-poor,
mud-dumb squatters

oppressed by
a cruel dictatorship.

You say that like it's
a bad thing.

Try seeing it the way I do--
as a magical getaway

with no smog, no boom boxes,
no traffic,

and best of all, no clothing
required on the beaches.

[ chuckling ]

i didn't hear you.

I was enjoying the in-flight
audio entertainment.

I'm a sucker for
Allen and Rossi.

Of course I agree with
whatever you said,

seeing as you invited me
along for free

when you made other
travel arrangements
for Grandma-Ma.

I do what I can-- and I wish
I could do something about
this cabin temperature.

It's too hot.

I'm sweating like a...
like a... lot.

Perhaps you're
perspiring like

a hygienically
impaired individual

because there's a fireball
on the wing.

[ passengers screaming ]

[ alarm blaring ]

[ laughing ]

[ crashing ]

MAN:
Flight 107 has arrived

to Puerto Guano
international airport.

Please prepare
to deplane.

If you're continuing on
to Havana,

please remain seated
while the aircraft is serviced.

[ flies buzzing ]

Dad, this doesn't look
anything like...

Dad?

Shouldn't we be getting
the bags to the room?

Nah, Bernice and Grandma-Ma
can get themselves there.

[ laughing ]:
Bags! Bernice. Grandma-Ma.

Once again, it sails
over his head.

Well, I, for one,
can't wait another minute

to experience vacation
paradise-- d'ah!

Hey-ya!

Chiquita.

How's about a banana?

My polo es muchacho daiquiri.

She digs me.

You know, it wouldn't hurt
if you'd get in the spirit

and out of those
threads yourself.

You're scaring
the locals.

Oh, I get it--
little worried people

will, uh, chuckle-wuckle
at your piggly-wiggly?

Look, I know a doctor
whose specialty

is stretching
the old meat budget,

if you know what I mean.

Believe me, the woman
who catches my bouquet

will be in hog heaven.

I just have a tattoo
i'm embarrassed about.

What can I say?

He was one
mesmerizing Minnesotan.

Hm.

[ lecherous yell ]

Hola, senorita!

Care for a Duckman burrito
with extra hot sauce?

[ both yelling ]

[ still yelling ]

[ panting ]

Whew!
Hey, cantina boy,

give me a tall glass
of water.

My sister-in-law
in her birthday suit

just gave me
a libidoectomy.

[ eerie screeching ]

[ gulps ]

Aah! Uh-oh.

Time for Innard Skinnard
to cut a new track.

Some vacation.

Next thing you know,
I'll find out they have...

That's it!

Exotic Third World paradise,
schmexmotic schmird schworld

schmarasch schmamma.

Ah, you know what I mean.

Worlds one, two and three,
suck eggs!

We need a Fourth World-- where
they do things the right way.

My way.

Where they don't have
any pay toilets.

There are no more
telemarketers.

There are no more valets

changing your seat
and your radio dials.

And no more people
who write "wash me"

in the dust of
your car every year,

even though last year's
is still completely legible!

I can't take it anymore!

Convenience stores
with six-year-old milk,


shut down for 22 hours.

Blah-blah-blah-blah.

I wish
we understood English.

Blah-blah-blah!

Well, I could rant forever,

but I still need to send a
dump-o-gram to Commander Septic.

Yeah. Maybe that swanky casino
has a free can.

[ crowd complaining ]

Yo, Paco,
I'm an American and, uh...

Guess the word "American" still
makes them quake in their boots.

[ groaning ]

[ g*nf*re outside ]

[ humming ]

[ g*nf*re continues ]

Whoo!

Whoo, baby!

[ Duckman whistling like
a falling m*ssile ]

Pah! Got 'em.
[ chuckling ]

[ crowd roaring ]

Oh, no.
Not another intervention.

Well, Duckman,
you've done it now.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

A little Airwick,
you'll never know I was...

The government's
been overthrown

and guess
who's responsible?!

Wait. I know this.

Uh... Eli Whitney?

Harriet Beecher Stowe?

Aaron Burr?

No, Ajax.

Unless it's someone named

isosceles triangle, i've wasted
a whole year of school.

I'm guessing you mean me.

But what did I have
to do with it?

Senor,
the Great Toilet Rebellion

was inspired by your passion.

We would be honored if you
would be the new el presidente.

You want me to be a cigar?

No, you spastic
ooze monkey.

They want you to be
the dictator!

They do?

Does that mean I could make
whatever laws I want?

Run things my way?

Of course.
Your word would be law.

[ groaning ]

Duckman, part of me believes

you're judicious
and mature enough

to handle unlimited power.

Of course,
that same part of me believes

that JFK shares a townhouse
with Elvis and Jim Morrison

on a small Mediterranean island.

Esta usted une snobbo?

If I thought, as you do,

that government should be run
only by competent

and experienced and smart
and reasonable people,

I would never have voted
for term limits.

Besides, me having
unlimited power

the blind adoration
of millions

total control over the fate
of an entire people--

what could possibly go wrong?

For a complete list,
send $12 to Journal Graphics,

Washington, DC, 20300.

[ crowd cheering ]

Too m*llitary.

Too spiky.

Too fruity.

Too phallic.

Too heavy.

Not phallic enough.

That's the one!

Listen,
Muammar Khadoofus,

we want you to give us
cabinet positions

so when this
already godforsaken stinkhole

turns into the festering
sulphur pit

it'll inevitably become

after a few hours
with you at the helm,

we can impeach you.

You? You actually think

I'd put you in charge
of something?

[ groaning ]

"First Lady"
have a nice ring to it?

Perfect.
[ grunts ]

I'll devote myself to
starting new programs

dedicated to improving
education, health care

and housing
for the poor.

Excellent! I need useless
social programs to cut

when I'm pretending
to be fiscally responsible.

As for us, Dad, we'd be happy
to bring Puerto Guano's

arts and humanities up

to their proper
level of esteem.

Not to worry.
Taking my inspiration

from current
American attitudes,

I just ordered a new artists'
and poets' wing for the prison.

What about
the environment?
And employment?

Like those are things
people worry about.

Okay, Charles,
La Bamba...

Mambo.

Whatever.

You're Minister of Industry.

You're Minister
of the Environment.

Spotted owls.

More jobs.

Spotted owls!

More jobs!

Ajax, you can have a position

I believe you're
uniquely qualified for.

El vice presidente

and your duties are to, eh...

guard that ashtray.

Wow! By myself?

Use the army,
if you want.

Thanks, Dad.

And Corny, you'll be
my Secretary of State,

so get me a cup of coffee
and then take a letter.

Wait. Never mind.

Time for my first
balcony harangue.

[ r*fles cocking ]

Borrow your ashtray?

Uh, sure.

Damn.

[ fanfare plays ]

Today, I come to you
with a vision--

a vision not only
of exploiting

my high office for personal gain

but of a shining island country

where the common man is king.

where people will no longer live

under the jackboot
of a dictatorial madman

who makes you adhere
to his every whim.

I think I'll call it
"Duckmania."

And whoever doesn't like it

will die an ugly
and painful death!

[ cheering ]

In my first hundred days,

I pledge to wipe out
the annoyances

that blight
your pitiful existence,

and so I present to you
my "contract with Duckmania"--

an end to car alarms
that talk,

to supermarket carts
with jiggly wheels

and to people
who put cute messages

on their answering machines.

[ cheering ]

An end to music videos
which feature the band

instead of sweaty,
half-naked girls

to really hairy guys
in public swimming pools.

Furthermore, Duckman outlaws
all babies in movie theaters,

and Duckman outlaws all people
who refer to themselves

in the third person.

[ cheering ]

Possession of a leaf blower--
unconstitutional.

Fat women wearing spandex--
five to ten, no parole;

and public exhibition
of an Adam Sandler movie--

lethal injection!

[ cheering ]

Duckman,
we need to talk.

[ clearing throat ]

Aren't we
forgetting something?

Hail, Duckman.

Soldier, you have
a button loose.

Remember: three buttons
loose at all times.

Duckman, can't you see that
you're trying to pay rent

at the Fool's Paradise motel

with expired American Express
reality checks?

Huh?

You're taking a ride

on the roller coaster of power

without being as tall
as Mr. Maturity's hand.

Heh?

If you lose touch
with ordinary people's lives,

you'll travel the same route
as those before you,

and I don't want to be here when
they realize you're not God.

But I am God.

It says so
in the constitution.

So you see, Corny,
everything is taken care of.

With Duckman
at the wheel,

there's no way anything
bad can ever happen.

That address again:

Journal Graphics,
Washington, DC, 20300.

Kids, about your father...

You're worried
about his refusal

to share his power
with the people.

It bothered us too--
a little lower--

till we realized
that free elections

would lead to corrupt
special interest groups

keeping a permanent
government

from sharing their power
with the people.

Dad's just cut out
the middleman.

[ rhythmic marching ]

Bernice, I'm afraid your entire
family has gone off the deep...

Love to chat,

but I'm in the middle
of a cabinet debriefing!

[ lascivious laugh ]

Senor Duckman,
I have terrible news.

The treasury,
she is almost empty.

Nonsense!

Where can all the
money have gone?

Last one in the caviar
is a rotten egg!

Senator Stark!

One of the U.S. Senate's
most distinguished

moral degenerates.

I thought you were
at the performance

of my boys choir.

They sing too?

Mr. Presidente,

there's something
terribly wrong

about using
these people's money

for your own
personal pleasure.

Well, I, uh...

You should be using ours!

The U.S. taxpayer
needs to see

a few patently propped-up
puppet governments

that do whatever we say

under the thr*at of v*olence,
in order to reaffirm

the supremacy of American
values and ethics.

A noble standard
to uphold, Senator.

Hey, I could burn down
an unsightly rain forest

and put in a new army base
with missiles and a--

Oh, I don't know--
whoever you want.

And that's just
the beginning, Senator.

True, there are those
who think me mad

but I ask you: would a madman

plan to have
the island dynamited

into the shape
of his own glorious head?

Would a madman
publicly announce a master plan

for U.S.-funded
total global domination?

Would a madman come up
with a different victory dance

for every country he conquers?

Canada!

[ rhythmic humming ]

Swaziland!

[ rhythmic humming ]

Boise!

[ rhythmic humming ]

CORNFED:
Duckman, despite
a weak spot

for the Canada dance,

I hereby resign
as Secretary of State.

No decent person can stand by

while you trample
the people and principles

of an entire nation.

Also, they ran out of those
little miniature hot dogs.

This pig displeases me.

Seize him!

Fine! Go! I don't need you,
you hear me?

I don't need you!

I can always
get another secretary.

I'll call Kelly's.

Or better yet--

Here, Gecko.

You pledge to uphold the office
of secretary of state?

[ whimpers ]

I'll take that as a "yes."

If we're to be effective
as a band of rebels

trying to bring down
the Duckman regime,

we must be
in top fighting condition.

Come at me. I'll show you.

[ yelling ]

Oh, hi.

Cornfed, as members
of the first family,

we've grown disillusioned

with our lives
of decadence and hubris.

And we want to save Dad
from his raging Eggo.

Ajax, you mean "ego."

Oh. Once again,
I've confused Dad's psyche

with a toasted breakfast food,

although the image

of fighting off
a bloodthirsty waffle

will forever remain a favorite
in the playground of my mind.

I can't let you join us, boys.

Regardless of
the circumstances,

the notion of teaching you
to betray your own father

paralyzes me with guilt.

He called you a whiny, little,
trough-licking turncoat,

who talks in a deep voice

to overcompensate for his
inadequacies with women.

We'll start with "12 Ways to
Impale a Man on a Palm Frond."

[ screaming ]

[ crashing ]

AJAX:
Eww!

[ mob chanting angrily ]

Cornfed...

Cornfed...

I want him ex*cuted!
But he's not here.

Then have
this magazine ex*cuted!

Senor Presidente,
we have scoured the countryside.

Cornfed and his band
of marauders

are nowhere to be found.

All right.
Time for my secret w*apon.

Uncage the invisible
psychic flying monkeys.

Such a thing does not exist.

Small-minded fool.

Just because you're not
invisible and psychic

like me and my monkeys,

must you criticize
everyone that is?

Charles and Mambo,

you infiltrate the palace
via hand-dug tunnels.

Ajax, you blow open the gates
with a crude b*mb

made from papayas
and fried plantains.

We'll all rendezvous
in the palace gardens

at 10:00 Eastern,


Any questions?

What's all this about?

Once again, the U.S.
is spending millions

to oust a puppet they spent
millions to get into office.

They'll spend more millions

on the cover-up to hide
having spent those millions

and even more millions

to discredit members
of the media

who report otherwise.

It's a good thing
they print their own money.

Dad's a puppet?

That would explain
his eerie silence

every time Shari Lewis
drinks a glass of water.

BERNICE:
♪ Stop crying over me ♪

♪ Puerto Guano. ♪

Listen to them.

How dare the poop-ulace
accuse me

of squandering
this country's savings.

Duckman, something's missing.

Aah! You're right!

Where's my collection
of early colonial

wooden butt plugs?

No, it's the boys.

I haven't seen them
for hours--

several hundred hours.

Ouch!

Duckman, they've left to join
Cornfed's band of rebels.

Everyone's deserting us.

I'm getting out of here
while I still can.

Traitor! Have her sh*t.

But she's already gone.

Then have her
statue sh*t.

Cover me.

Gadzooks.

Some hooligan
left the gate ajar.

Whoa!

[ yells ]

CROWD [ chanting ]:
Work it out with us!

Work it out with us!

Stop, you fools.

Look upon my chest
of medals in fear.

Okay, okay.

Like any great political figure,
I'll buy your love.

As a reward to all
who support my administration,

I will give each of you
ten centavos.

Of course, to finance
such a generous gift,

I have to raise your taxes
by 11 centavos.

CROWD:
Work it out with us!

Work it out with us!

[ panting ]

[ farting ]

Et tu, Grandma-Ma?

Well, take that.

[ farting ]

[ crowd yelling ]

General, my faithful
right-hand man.

And with me, that term
has a lot of extra meaning.

[ whimpers ]

El Duckman,

since you've
plundered our economy,

we've decided to make up for it

by turning your execution
into a pay-per-view spectacular.

Will it be this
lovely guillotine...

Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!

This brand-new
electric chair...

Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahh!

Or a conversation
with Kathie Lee?

Cody said
the cutest thing today.

Have you no mercy?

[ gasping ]

Good people,

Duckman has crippled
your economy,

ravaged your natural resources,
shattered your spirit.

Still, his name is
on all my stationery.

[ whistles ]

[ rumbling ]

[ all gasp ]

[ grunts ]

[ whinnies ]

[ crowd yelling ]

That's the second
dream vacation

slash near-death
experience

you've put us
through, Duckman.

I'm starting
to rethink

our Christmas
getaway to Iraq.

Ingrates.

Next time I become dictator of
a small Latin American country,

the first thing I'll do
is k*ll everyone

before they can turn on me.

No lesson is ever lost
on you, Duckman.

Fascinating, isn't it?

History shows us that
however well-intentioned

a revolt may be,

people are still imperfect
as rulers.

No matter who you elect,
eventually, they grow corrupt.

Meet the new boss,
same as the old boss.

Even in a society
with an informed electorate,

[ snoring ]
one that is willing to...

...examine all aspects...

do things in...

but not without going...

[ snoring ]

Shoes... Cheese... Never mind.

[ snoring ]

[ Duckman whistling like
a falling m*ssile ]

Pah! Got 'em!

[ chuckling ]