03x15 - They Craved Duckman's Brain!

[bunniefuu]

[duck quacks]

[horns honking]

[sirens wailing]

Hmm.

Ouch!

Hey, it's a hospital zone.

Keep it down.

[crashing]

Uh, hello? Do any of you
thermometer jockeys care

that these people are suffering?

[gasps]
Sir, I'm the head nurse.

Well, that's incredibly
obliging of you

but I got to take
a rain check

'cause I'm running
a little late.

There's a motion a-picture
a-crew doing

some location-type stuff
in your little chop shop

and they're waiting
for you-know-who

to make his film debut.

Well, unless you count
the little thing I did

with the zebra in
the fishnet stockings

but it was spring break
and I was drunk.

I'm sure you
know how it is.

Well, enough yammering,
Lucretia, wrangle my ride,
will ya?

M.R.I.?

It sounds so scary.

I'm frightened and disoriented.

How you doing?

Why, it's legendary guitarist
Joe Walsh.

Relax, Molly.

We're gonna teach you
all about M.R.I.

"We"?

Me and a friend of mine.

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la-la,
la-la-la. ♪

Hi, Joe. Hi, Molly.

I'm Lobie, the M.R.I. pixie.

You know, magnetic resonance
imaging sounds scary

but it's easy!

You just climb
into a massive metal cylinder

and your skull is bombarded
with magnetic impulses,

causing every atom in your brain
to shudder violently.

Whee!

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la-la,
la-la. ♪

[crashing]

Nice planning, sticking a light
right where I'm walking.

Cut! Cut!

Who are you?
Duckman.

Your eagle-eyed assistant
spotted me at the movies

the other night
and cast me.

There, that's her. Ask her.

Weren't you...
taller?

Ow.

Hey, watch it.

Ixnay.

[Swedish accent]:
Just one a-ticket, please

for I'm only one person,
not two.

Whoa!

[chuckles]

Optical illusion probably,
all the fluorescent lights.

Phil, I don't
get it.

I had him playing
Freakishly Tall

Bad Accent Man
Number Two.

[whistling]

So, uh, what kind of pic
we lensing here?

Action? Action-thriller?

Buddy-action-comedy-
action-thriller?

Those studios make so many
different kinds.

This isn't a feature film.

Ha! I knew
something was fishy

when I didn't see Gene Hackman
or Tommy Lee Jones.

What is this,
a snuff film?

We're making
a teaching video

for patients of
Medtechumana Hospitals,

and we won't
be needing you.

Thanks, honey,

but I'll wait
until I hear that

from, you know, a man.

Actually, it might
bring the sh*t to life

if we had a guy
in the M.R.I.

And he's perfect--

moronic features,
jaundiced pallor, glassy stare.

I also drool.

You're M.R.I. Guy.
Get in.

Joe Walsh!
You're in this?

Actually, I do a lot
of medical videos.

It's fun, interesting,

and they pump my stomach
for free.

DIRECTOR:
Duck... in... now.

Okay, everybody, let's make
this one for the shelf.

Give the stick hicks
a pix to nix.

For all the little people
out there in the dark.

Ah, there's nothing as exciting
as being on a movie set.

[snoring]

[echoing]:
I'm frightened and disoriented.

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la-la,
la-la-la. ♪

You're M.R.I. Guy.

Disoriented.

...or as we like
to say, Mriaok.

DIRECTOR:
Uh, Joe, that's M.R.I. A-okay.

Hey, what the..?

Get out of my lab.
We're in the middle of sh**ting.

The only thing
you're sh**ting
is your mouth off.

Now, I want you and your
merry band to vamoose

or I'll insert this catalog
in your rectoid mucosa

and you'll find out why they
call it the sharper image.

Now scram!

Man, you've got
a lot of rage.

Get a haircut, Ringo.

Hello. Hector?

Oh, you heard.

Well, I don't care how important

these videos are
to Medtechumana.

My research is more important.

[panting]

Great scott!

I'll call you later.

[muttering]

Once again, Hollywood
articulates itself.

[groaning]

[screaming]

[beeping]

[gasping]

Eureka! Eureka!

Eureka, there was a duck.

He left here
a few minutes ago.

Find him.

I don't believe
what's in his brain!

[panting]

What... what the hell
are you staring at?

Got enough tapioca
there, Dad?

If you're still hungry,

I think some dripped
behind the stove.

[laughing]

Stoves are funny.

AJAX:
Hey, everyone.

Remember last week when
the criminal look-alike

took Grandma-ma's place
until the police presumably put

the right one in prison

and returned
the real Grandma-ma?

[evil laughter]

for no discernible reason
whatsoever

it was then that I realized
how lonely old people are.

So I had a gnarlatious idea:

Give cats who need love
to old people

who... uh... need...
um... old...

What's on TV?

Getting back
to your idea, dear,

where will you
get the cats?

Streets, alleys, county vans.

[snarling]

[chuckles nervously]

[snarling and hissing]

Grandma-ma, meet Meroke.

[snarling]

Ah, that's sweet, Ajax.

There's nothing
like a companion.

[snarling and hissing]

[gasping]

Sorry to break
into your outhouse...

Oh, my God!
You live here!

Who are you,
and what gives you

the right to barge
into people's homes?!

I'm Dr. Craig Ehrlich.

Oh.

Well, do sit down.

Take off those shoes.

Perhaps a quick foot massage

and a dozen or so years
of wedded bliss.

What? Am I the only one
who heard the word "doctor"?

Dr. Ehrlich, eh?

Are you related to Dr. Dre?

When you were born

were there any problems
with the umbilical cord?

No. Though lately,
I've found it

to be a bit
of an inconvenience.

[gasping]

DUCKMAN:
Where will you get the cats?

There you are, Duckman.

You shouldn't have run out,
you naughty little scalawag.

[laughing]

Grab him!

Wendy, Tink, we're flying.

Doctor, not to be nosy

but why are you
kidnapping our dad?

Boys, I don't care enough about
what you think of me

to lie to you.

I've spent my career
in search of an end

to the worst blight
in human history.

Not him.

I'm talking about cancer!

And we're about
to make medical history,

for I, Dr. Craig Ehrlich,

have finally found
the cure for it

here in Duckman's brain.

[all gasping]

[cat snarling]

You've got mail.

Well, I'd like to thank
the Duckman family

for another
lovely afternoon.

Good news:
you all test negative.

I'm sorry about this,
but I had to see

if any of you carry
the same isotope Duckman does.

It can be passed
genetically

or through sharing
a living environment.

Why me?

I'm not his family;
I don't live with him.

I'm just his friend.

And you wonder why your
head's being examined?

Enough said.

Doctor, how can
Dad's brain

be a medical miracle?

It barely makes
it as a brain.

Ooh! Look, two at once.

Someone must have left
the M.R.I. on.

It hit Duckman
with enough impulses

to k*ll a T rex
in a lead helmet.

Then why isn't he dead?

Not that, you know, that would
be a thing I'd wish for

or was even for one second
secretly imagining.

[screeching]

Hey!

Great scott!

What the...? Where am I?

I'm strapped down, receiving
gut-twisting electric shocks

but my usual boy, Randy,
is nowhere in sight.

Duckman, we've been kidnapped
and are being held prisoner.

You know, for a detective
with no cases,

I sure get kidnapped a lot.

Duckman, you and I are going to
make the greatest advance

in medical science
since penicillin.

Yeah, that was good. Huh?

Here, between the cerebrum
and the cerebellum

in the antebellum--
see this scarlet lump?

That's a new form
of sub-cortical astrocytoma

full of
the anti-cancer isotope.

The growth was there for years
until the M.R.I. mutated it.

Wow! You mean I can cure cancer?

Okay, doc of the bay,
let's do some good--

glom some globulin,
cure a little cancer.

I'll get back
to whatever it is I do

and I'll see you in Stockholm.

Do they have a Hooters there?

Duckman, you don't understand.

The only way to get
to the isotope is to operate.

I'm talking about
a medical procedure

that will leave
your brain inoperable.

Oh. Will I have a scar?

Chicks dig scars.

No, no, you moron.

I have to cut off
your head!

No, none of it

will leave a scar.

CORNFED:
Doctor, let me.

Duckman, to get the isotope,
he'd have to k*ll you.

Oh, why didn't he say s...?

Hey, just a minute!

Duckman, don't you see?

This is your chance
at immortality.

Call me a stickler

but figure I have a better sh*t
at immortality

if you don't k*ll me!

I don't like when people suffer

but I like it even less
when I suffer.

In this life, doc, you got
to look out for number one,

but, uh, in this case, you
should actually look out for me

so I'm like number two.

Well, we all agree on that.

I know how you feel, Duckman,
but a wise man once said

"The needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few."

Hey! That wise man was Mr. Spock

and the only reason he felt
that way was because he knew

they'd send his body
to the Genesis Planet

so he could come
back to life.

Actually, he thought they were
gonna bring him

to Vulcan to be reborn.

Yeah, the Genesis Planet
was just a happy accident.

You know, all Picard has to do
is send Kirk's body

to the Genesis Planet
then he can come back to life.

But the nexus
destroyed Kirk's body.

Hey, what if they
did that slingshot-
around-the-sun thing,

went back in time
a couple of days

and beamed Kirk and
Picard some big g*ns

to k*ll Malcolm
McDowell with?

Oh, he was so good
in Time After Time.

What about Clockwork Orange?

That was awesome.

Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!

Oh, no. The M.R.I. must have
been on too long last night.

It's overheating, creating
an intense magnetic field.

Let's go! Follow me!

Hello.

Security?

Apparently,
we were spared

because none of us
are wearing any metal.

Wow. Good thing I didn't wear

my "Official
G-spot Checker" medallion.

[chuckles]
Always gets a laugh.

Look, I know you want
to protect me,

but it's not you he's after,
so no argument,

I want you all to get out of
here and not worry about...

Huh?

Me.

[elevator bell dings]

There he is.

[screams]

Hi-yah!

[screams]

Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!

That tickles.

Hey! Stop! Ooh!

Are you guys I.R.S.? The mafia?

Oh, no!
You're not... Ticketmaster?!

Dah!

Hmm.

Wa-hoo!

[gasps]

Hey, how dare you
barge into my office.

It's my office, Duckman.

I had you brought here
so we could talk.

Well, you saved my life.

There was this daffy doc,

and he was going to give me an
operation that'd k*ll me.

Can you imagine?

No. I'd prefer to k*ll you
with a great deal more pain.

[gasps]

I'm going to call
our congressman

and get that S.O.B.
to rouse the F.D.A,

H.E.W., D.O.J., and every other
V.I.P. in D.C. ASAP.

WOMAN:
Thank you for calling
the United States of America.

We are open from 8:30 a.m.
to 5:00 p.m. weekdays

and are located
between Canada and Mexico

in the western hemisphere.

If you would like to make
a declaration of w*r, press one.

Trade treaties and tariffs,
press two.

Gerbils.

Nature's perfect machines.

Yeah, they're the best.
Listen, I was distracted

by the g*n and my
bladder emptying and all.

Did you say you were
going to k*ll me?

Slowly and sadistically.

I get intense pleasure
from inflicting suffering

and misery on others.

I'm one of Alphonse d'Amato's
largest contributors.

But I've been rude.

Please, sit.

I'm Roland Thompson, C.E.O.
of Medtechumana Hospital Group,

one of America's largest health
and medical services networks.

I like to say, "If you've got
a bedpan under you

"Medtechhumana
touched it first."

[fiendish laugh]

Ah. And as the nation's
leading health care provider,

I must k*ll you.

Well, obviously,
you and Ehrlich have got

some who's-going-to-k*ll-Duckman
issues to work through.

[gulps]

Ehrlich is a fool.

I never thought he would
find a cure for cancer.

Wait. You don't want the cure?

Please, sit down.

I'm not in the health business,
Mr. Duckman,

I'm in the health care business.

The more beds I fill,
the more profits I make.

But it does me no good
to fill them with sniffles

and sprained ankles
and other low-rent maladies.

That's why we invented
the $12 aspirin,

the eight-dollar cotton ball:

To increase profit margin
on lesser diseases.

They never just k*ll you.

There's always a lecture. Oy.

You come in with,
say, a bad back,

you'll get X-rays,
M.R.I.s,

bone scans,
diskograms, myelograms,

and $60,000 later,
we sell you a $400 heating pad

you could have bought
at the drugstore for 30 bucks.

But it's not enough.

[whispering]:
Not nearly. No.

We need
the premium patients.

Big-money procedures
like coronary bypass,

gall bladder removal,
pulmonary wedge resection,

unnecessary hysterectomies!

WOMAN:
To become a U.S. ally
and enjoy all ally benefits

like free trade, U.N. forces
and complimentary upgrades

at Avis locations worldwide,
press 34.

If you've taken or plan to take
American hostages, press 35.

...laparoscopies, barium
enemas, but the big kahuna

the everlasting
gob-stopper

the grand mack daddy
of them all is cancer.

Cancer alone accounts
for 53% of our annual profits.

The needless diagnostics,
hopeless therapies,

experimental dr*gs--
it's a dream come true.

[flushing]

Phew!

I was afraid while I was
in there, you'd escape.

Now, where was I?

Cancer is a dream come true.

Oh, right. Yes, yes,
the chewy profit center

in the middle of
a health care lolly

protected by a cartel
of businessmen

who depend on cancer to keep
them in business. Look.

[upbeat pop
acoustic guitar music]

[laser sounds]

MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,
here are your cancer profiteers!

Doctors, lab workers,
pharmaceutical manufacturers,

obituary writers,
probate lawyers,

the Florida
Formaldehyde Growers Council.

veil makers,
New Yorkers who need apartments,

the Republican party...

What's the Republican party
got to do with cancer?

Nothing, really.

They just go
where the evil is.

Now, to preserve
the growth industry

that is cancer...

prepare to die.

Ah!

Get me security.

Here's my car.

Nice ride.

My dealer offered me
all these options

but I got the novelty breast-
shaped dome light instead.

Hang on.

[tires screeching]

Duckman, I realized I've
been wrong all along.

I was acting like the
end justifies the means.

Thompson! Hold on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
come on.

Stop it, stop it! Hey.

[whirring]

Hey, quit it.

[laughing]

Wait. I have an idea--
turn here.

That was your idea?

I hate Dixieland.

Ah! Look out!

[honking]

Ah!

[grunting]

[gasping]

Can't breathe.

Tobacco smoke.

Can feel... cancer growing...

[choking]

Well, this was some
experience, doc.

Maybe putting the cure
for cancer in my brain was...

Hey, did you hear that?

He's got a cure for cancer
in his brain!

cr*ck open his head.
Let's get it.

[clamoring]

EHRLICH:
Stop! Listen to me.

Don't you see?

Alive, his brain can
provide data for research

but if he dies, the cure
is lost to us forever.

It's like the goose
that laid the golden eggs.

When the greedy king
decided to cut him open

to get all the eggs at once,
it k*lled the goose.

Hey, he lays
golden eggs too!

Let's cut him open and
get all the eggs at once!

[clamoring]

[sirens blaring]

[gasping]

He'll die if
I don't operate.

Help me get him
in the car.

Well, it was touch and go.

He lost a lot of blood,
but he pulled through

and we're confident
he'll make a full recovery.

He wanted you all to know
his will to live

came from knowing the people
he loves were out here

and that he's feeling strong,
and should be home soon.

[yelling]

Mmm...

Hey!
Get back here!

I've rehearsed these things
and everything.

Anyway, here's
the really good part.

His brain injuries
happened to give me

a clear path
to the isotope.

We have our cure
for cancer!

[cheering]

Good thing, too,
because the remaining tissue

shows no reaction
to M.R.I. pulses.

As I told Duckman,

this is all we're
ever going to get.

Could we see it?

All right,
but be careful.

It's in that
specimen dish.

Oh, no!

[gasping]

[yowling]

Catch him!

That cat ate the cure
for cancer!

MAN:
Did you hear that?

The cat's got a cure
for cancer in him.

Let's k*ll it!

[people clamoring]

It's over.

I'm okay. I'm alive.

I just hope I did
the right thing,

but there's no need
to worry about that anymore.

In fact,
there's no need to worry

about anything while I'm here.

All I have to do
is kick back, relax,

and leave myself
in the safe and capable hands

of all these trained
medical professionals.

[snoring softly]

MAN:
Where's this
one going?

WOMAN:
O.R. Two--
hysterectomy.

THOMPSON:
Nature's perfect machines.

DUCKMAN:
Yeah, they're the best.