04x07 - Role with It

[bunniefuu]

[quacks]

Remember always...

our strength comes
from our blood,

from our family.

[gasps]

[chattering]

Slow down, you
crab-crotched,
crud-creeping,

mustard-colored
meat maggot,

or I'll knock you
on your...

Ow!

Bite moi, you brisket-
brained lardapple,

you shim-shaped,
shovel-faced shmegegge.

Shove it up your...
Ow!

Duckman, your head's
so far up your...

Ow!

Ah, kiss my...
Ow!

Ajax, why do you
keep yelling "ow"?

Dad, Mambo's kicking me.

I am not.

You're kicking yourself.

Say, you're right.
Why would I do that?

Sometimes I'm so stupid
I could kick myself.

Ow.

Can it, all of you!

The whole point of this vacation
is to stop all the fighting

we've been doing lately.

We're not even there yet

and we're already squabbling
like a bunch of Hungarians.

Aunt Bernice, it's
been four years

since Zsa Zsa
rear-ended you.

Let it go.

Your Aunt Bernice
is right

and not just about
Hungarians, either.

The least you can do
is behave.

Didn't I give you boys
what you've always wanted?

A visit to a real
Indian reservation.

Wow, will we learn

all about genuine
Native American traditions?

Ajax, you can always
learn something

if you're not careful.

Duckman, I thought Cornfed was
supposed to be following us.

[chuckles]
Yeah, I managed to lose him
about an hour ago.

DUCKMAN:
Well, here we are.

I should have known
this pagan pleasure palace

would be your idea of a genuine
Native American reservation.

Bernice, for shame.

Supporting the mystifyingly
legal ventures

of our Injun brethren
is a way of atoning

for making them pick
all that cotton.

Dad, Indians never
picked cotton.

Then what the hell's
their beef?

Ah!

[slot machines clinking]

Wow, no wonder
aggregate gains

in leisure
and gaming sectors

soared eight percent,
defying NASDAQ trends.

Am I the only one who
finds Lou Dobbs hypnotic?

Come on, let's
crash this tepee

and start spending
heap big wampum.

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.

[clearing throat]

Sorry to interrupt
your grotesque
cultural stereotype,

but may I help you
with something?

Finding an exit, perhaps,
or showing you how soap works?

Don't flip your wigwam,
Big Chief Fancypants.

We're checking in.

You, uh... you see we, uh...
have a...

reservation!

[cackling]

Reservation!

[laughing continues]

[choking]

[gasping]

If I slap my knee
any harder,

it will be
a wounded knee.

Hey, we left
our bags outside

because we didn't want
to "totem" around.

Totem around...

Here's my imitation of Geronimo
jumping out of a plane.

Me!

Me.

[sighs]

Don't worry if you don't
get them all, buck.

I got a million of them.

Oh, goodie.

Blaze the trail,
Tonto.

This is going to be
the bestest vacation ever.

BERNICE:
Duckman, I can't believe

we got kicked out
of the spa because you

started whizzing
in the pool.

Shows what you know.

I started whizzing long
before I got in the pool.

Oh, dear, sir.
I'm afraid that...

I'll just bet
you're afraid, Red.

All these white people
must give you flashbacks

to the scalping
the redskins took
at Little Bighorn.

But don't worry, we're just here
to stuff our pale faces

so scout us a table
and rev up the chuck wagon.

BERNICE:
Duckman!

ALL:
Dad!

What? They like
when you steal.

They're a very
giving people.

That's how we get the phrase
"Indian giver."

See? You're learning already.

Hello, I'm Thomas,
I'll be your server.

Let me tell you about
our special tonight.

You begin with an
appetizer of grilled
leeks with saffron...

Yeah, get me a tumbler of Wild
Turkey and keep them coming.

As for dinner,
let's make this simple.

Country-fried steak
and fish sticks for everybody.

And make the French fries
crinkle-cut, okay.

Holds the ketchup better.

Hey, Walks-With-a-Swish--

chop-chop
on the firewater, capiche?

[gasping]

I almost made it.

Through the giggling
and the peek-a-boo

and the patty-cake.

Through interminable readings
from Deepak Chopra

and Life's Little
Instruction Book.

But then, during the Joseph

and the Amazing Technicolor
Dreamcoat medley,

I just snapped.

Glove compartment?

Tail pipe.

I gave the valet ten bucks

to wait a while before
he pries them out.

Shrewd.

Duckman, why
is that woman

staring at us
and taking notes?

Guilty.

[chuckles]

Please forgive me.

I don't mean to intrude

but I have been watching you.

I'm Dr. Susan Fox.

The renowned family therapist
and best-selling author?

Uh, yes.

Forgive me
if I'm being presumptuous

but presumption is just...
well, something I do.

Not your problem.

Based on the behaviors
I've observed

over the last two days,

I believe that, unless
you let me help you

this family will self-destruct

in a heartbreakingly tragic
and violent way.

Yeah!

Whoo! I'm peeking duck.

Tragic? Violent?

What do you mean,
Dr. Fox?

You see, in my landmark book,
The Ties That Divide--

now available wherever
quality paperbacks are sold--

I devise the Fox scale
of dysfunctional crisis.

This group scores an 87.

Is that bad?

Well, the Jacksons
only scored 61.

[gasping]

The good news is
it's not too late.

I came here
for some peace and quiet

to write my new book

which will finally offer hope
to agoraphobics

but you people offer a much more
exciting opportunity.

With your permission

I'd like to work
with you

and make that my book.

What about the
agoraphobics?

They're not going anywhere.

[laughing]

Well, then, what do you say?

I could save your family.

Hold your horses,
Dr. Fox, medicine woman.

What makes you think
we're dysfunctional?

Look, Dad, I'm eating more
French fries than ever.

Love me, Dad.

Love me.

Call it a hunch.

Well, get some other rats
for your snake pit, doc.

Case closed.

Waiter, pow-wow now.

This steak is raw.

It's got more pink
than Showgirls.

Wrangle this slab back
to the flame, okay, babe?

Come on, move.

Hey... yup.

They're such children.

[retching]

[snorting]

[groaning]

[creaking]

[retching]

[raspberry]

[squishing]

[sloshing]

[plopping]

[raspberry]

[repeated spitting]

[raspberry]

Bon appetit.

Oh, yeah... oh, yeah.

Oh, now we're talking.

Mm-hmm-mm, whoa.

It's like a thousand
tiny taste sensations.

See? It takes an American
to get things done.

Well... I...

really have to go now.

But I'll reserve
the mezzanine conference room

in case you change your mind.

I'll be there tomorrow at 10:00.

I hope you'll all be there, too.

This may be your last hope

to survive the hideous doom
to come.

Been a pleasure.

Good night.

Mmm.

[smacking]

Please, Dad.

We'd learn a lot
about ourselves.

And avoid the disaster
and tragedy

the doctor spoke of.

There is nothing wrong
with this family

that some old fashioned
belt-beatings wouldn't solve.

No more.

No shrinks!

It's shrinks that made
this country touchy-feely.

It's shrinks that blab and blab
on Sally Jesse

so the teenage nymphomaniacs
can't get a word in edgewise.

It was shrinks that made me and
Mom stop bathing together

when I was 15, just when
I needed her love the most.

No shrinks, and that's final.

There's nothing wrong
with this family.

Hey, uh, waiter, uno mas.

DR. FOX:
This family will self-destruct.

BERNICE:
We need help.

CHARLES:
Please, Dad.

AJAX:
Love me, Dad.

WAITER:
...grilled leeks with saffron.

ALL:
You should've
taken us to therapy.

[gasping]

Yikes!

That's less than ideal.

Why didn't you tell me

that tragedy and v*olence
could happen to me?

We're going to see Doc Fox,
and do whatever it takes

to pull out
of dysfunction junction

and save this family.

All:
Yay.

[chuckles]

I'm sure Duckman
will be here soon.

Want to bet he's doing something
to further embarrass

and humiliate us?

Mambo, you can't
be sure of that.

Hey!

That fountain out there
is full of change.

There are dimes in here.

Duckman, let me start
by saying...

No, let me tell you,
Madame D.A.,

exactly what's
on the table.

I give you give the sh**t
you plead me down to man one.

I get eight plus time served
and I'm out in three.

Do we have a deal or not?

Oh, uh, Dr. Fox.

I'm sorry, I thought
this was my 4:00.

[chuckles]

Forget I said anything.

I'm very proud of
all of you for coming.

What we're going
to do won't be easy
for any of you.

In order
for this to work

you must all be
completely, 100% honest.

You've got a blue ribbon pair
of muskmelons

and Duckman's hungry!

Perhaps we should sh**t
for 90% honesty.

You're the doc.

Let me sum up your situation
in terms you'll understand.

We have a father figure

who is too self-obsessed
to be a real father.

Ding-ding-ding! Who is... me!

Duckman, this
isn't a game.

Heh... gyp.

We have a domineering
mother figure

who delights in
cruelly emasculating

the men in her life.

Not just the men.

A boy with an eating disorder

totally disconnected
from the world.

And two hyper-intelligent boys

who feel disenfranchised
from the family.

We're like minor underwritten
characters in our own lives.

Cornfed,
the de facto uncle,

is a codependent
with low self-esteem.

I think she's right,
but what do I know?

And you two are...

What are you two again?

BOTH:
We're Mr. Duckman's assistants.

Hah! They're just here
so Duckman

can take phoney-baloney
tax write-offs.

So?

Dad, it's illegal.

Used to be, Mambo,

but thanks to right-wing,
religious nutballs

it's now a sacred duty
to God and America

to disobey whatever laws
you don't agree with.

Which reminds me, if any G-men
come sniffing around,

we don't have a*t*matic weapons

stockpiled
in the basement, okay?

But we don't.

Ri-i-ight.

Charles, how does
your dad make you feel

when he says
things like that?

Well, ashamed...
repulsed, scornful.

Just like me and my dad.

Mambo, what would be your
vision of the ideal family?

One where intelligence
was rewarded.

And where sensitive souls are
cultivated instead of squashed.

Shut up, or you'll end
up like those poets

I cold-cocked last week.

Ajax, what about you?

What's your vision
of the perfect family?

[harp playing]

Oh, wow.

We finally have the proof that
Joe and I have been looking for.

You're our long-lost brother.

Ajax Hackett.

[guffawing]

[Brian grunting]

Ajax, you're hurting me.

Mmm..

[sighing]

Uh-oh. He's in
Nantucket again.

Perhaps we should
come back to him.

Well, are we running the session
now, Mister Psycholology?

I sense you harbor some
resentment toward Cornfed.

It's not true.

You resent his
competence, don't you?

No.

Open up-- I got Karen Black
off cough syrup.

I can get you to admit
you resent Cornfed.

Yes!

It's true, it's true!

[sobbing]

Wow, Mr. Duckman,
a breakthrough.

Thanks to Dr. Fox,

and let's not forget

the soul-enriching
Native American atmosphere.

Let us salute
our Indian brothers.

Okay, I'll start with my tribute
to Ed Ames.

[screaming]

No, please!

Hostility here could reverse
the healing process.

Nice one, you pan-fried
pony pellet.

I got a hatchet with
your name on it, too,

stay-puffed
marshmallow butt.

I can't listen to them
fight anymore.

People, please calm down.

Oh, you want
a piece of me?

You haven't got
the huevos.

It's go time, baby.

Your emotional systems
are very raw right now.

Count to ten before...

One-two-four-six-ten!

I want out of this family!

Me, too-- I've
had it up to here.

Point at my chin, Charles.

I'm busy shaking my fist.

Point at your own chin!

Fine! From now on I want
nothing to do with any of you.

I have no friends,
I have no sister-in-law, i...

Doc, quick, lend me your jacket.

I... have... no sons!

Don't give in to rage.

Hah! You're complaining?

I'm the one
who sacrificed my life

cleaning
your post-binge filth,

vacuuming up dandruff
the size of chickpeas

putting up with visits
at all hours

from Captain Moron, here.

Don't take this the wrong way

but get bent,
you lard-bottomed freak.

People, please!

ALL:
I want out!

ALL:
Me, too!

ALL:
Fine!

ALL:
Fine!

ALL:
Good-bye forever!

Helen, keep Joe busy

while Brian and I sneak
Antonio's goat on the plane.

Okay, okay, this is not good.

We must solve this

or your family
will be destroyed.

Now, a good start, Duckman,

would be for you to come out
from under those chairs.

They're not chairs,
they're a fort.

I call it "Fort Duckman,"
and only Duckman's allowed in,

and nobody's allowed in
who doesn't like Duckman

who says bad things about
Duckman or treats Duckman bad!

What are you changing
your name to?

Uh, did somebody
hear a voice?

Cornfed,
I sense you have issues.

Oh, I have issues.

Like the time he had a big date

so he made me miss
my mother's funeral

to cauterize his lucky goiter.

And the time he got drunk

and gave my phone number
to Karen Black.

And the time he sold
everything I own

to raise money
to buy three truckloads

of Who's the Boss
commemorative plates.

They were supposed
to triple in value!

Damn you to hell,
Tony Danza!

Damn you to hell!

Duckman, how does that list of,
uh... atrocities

honestly make you feel?

Like f*ring up
the charcoal

and popping a jug
of open pit.

You and what United Nations
peacekeeping force?

Somewhere there's got to be
therapy you'll respond to.

Uh, like, like foam bats.

[chomping]

Oh, or, uh...

role-playing. Yes!

All right, then,
role-playing it is.

Now, the idea behind the, uh...

Cornfed, what are you doing?

I'll be playing the role
of Hal Holbrook

in an excerpt
from my popular one-man show

Cornfed Pig is Hal Holbrook

is James Whitmore
is Mark Twain Tonight!

The L.A Weekly called it "a
foot-stomping, rollicking peek

at America's dark underbelly."

Let's just...
stick to people in the room.

Perhaps if you
assume each other's roles

you'll gain insight
into each other's problems.

Duckman, you start.

Why don't you play
the role of Cornfed?

Oh, yeah.

Now you're going to get it.

Take your best sh*t.

Stay focused!

Cornfed,
tell us about yourself.

Hi, I'm Cornfed.

I think I'm so smart

because I know everything
and I've had a lot of jobs

so I'm really cool
and my slop don't stink.

Good start.

Now, Cornfed,
why don't you give it a try?

You be Duckman.

Well, I'll try.

[in Duckman's voice]:
Stuff it up your spinach spout,
you ham-handling hee-haw!

I've only got five minutes
till pep squad practice is over

and with any luck,
I'll be boom-bahing sis

before lights out!

I'm going to shine the old shank

scrim the old shaw,
black the old lab, et-a-cetera.

[laughter]

Color me horny, Corny!

My pump is primed! Hoo-hoo!

No! Let's not make this
all about Duckman!

Yeah.
Wait, I got
one, I got one.

[clears throat]
I'm off to my favorite hooker--
myself.

Let's face it,
I'm always available

always willing,
and I really save money

with that five-finger discount.

[laughter]

We're supposed to
find common ground!

We found it-- we all think
Duckman's the problem!

Yeah, but... but...

Snappy comeback.

[raucous laughter]

Duckman, do you
want to say anything?

I don't know.

Whatever.

Duckman, I've never met
anyone like you,

and I don't know you well

but this much
I do know about you--

you'll fight to have
your steak just right,

you'll fight not to have
to wear a jacket,

and you've fought like hell
over a hundred times today

to get a peek
down my blouse.

Now you have to fight
for yourself,

because if everyone
thinks you're bad

the only way
to convince them otherwise

is to share how you feel
from the heart.

You mean... like O.J. did
on that video?

Um...

okay. If you like.

You got it, doc.

[laughter]

Wait. You're all so good
at playing me

but what role
should I play, huh?

I could be Bernice.

That's right, Duckman.

Then I can undercut
your authority,

constantly humiliate you
in public,

teach your children
to have no respect for you

and devalue your memories
of your wife.

Or I could be Charles and Mambo

flaunting the fact
I'm smarter than you,

treating you like an idiot
because you don't know anything

about quantum split cyclamates--
whatever.

Why should you act like a father
when I never act like sons?

I could be Fluffy
and Uranus

and force my views
on you.

Never respect your right
to have your own beliefs.

Or I could be Cornfed,

always reminding you
who's the expert.

I'd rather keep subtly
blowing my own horn

than teaching you
to be a better detective...

or a better friend.

Well, you know what?

I don't want to be any of you.

Dad... if I keep
being Ajax

will you please
keep being my dad?

You bet I will.

[both sighing]

I think Ajax has taught us
something here today.

For better or worse

you're the only family
you've got

so make the most of it.

You're right, doctor.

Actually, this experience
has been... cleansing.

I feel like you do
after a long, hot shower.

I'll take your word
for that part

but I do feel better--
thanks, doc.

This is why I got
into psychology--

to find complex answers
to people's real problems.

Of course, then I found out
where the big money was--

making up problems

and giving people
easy answers to them.

So I'm going to forget
this whole thing happened.

I already have.

Let's go, g*ng!

[cheering]

♪ A medicine man I met ♪

♪ Said don't get yourself
in a sweat ♪

♪ When things look gray,
just shrug and say ♪

♪ "It must've been
something I 'et" ♪

♪ So don't get yourself
in a snit, he said ♪

♪ Tuck your tantrums
into your kit, he said ♪

♪ It's disarming
to be charming ♪

♪ Quoth the medicine man♪

Whom all agree it's plain to see
nobody could be wiser than

♪ So if your temper's
getting a top hand ♪

♪ All you have to do
is just stop and ♪

♪ Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet ♪

♪ Like the Choctaw, Chickasaw
Chattahoochee, Chippewa do♪

♪ Yeah, if you're feeling
mad as a wet hen ♪

♪ Mad as you can possibly get ♪

♪ Then pass that peace pipe
and bury the tomahawk ♪

♪ Like those Chichimecs,
Cherokees, Chapultepecs do♪

♪ When you're cranky ♪

♪ Try to use
a little restraint ♪

♪ Fold that hanky ♪

♪ And wipe off
all that w*r paint ♪

♪ If you want to be
an all right guy ♪

♪ Not a long-face,
blues-in-the-night guy ♪

♪ Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet ♪

[percussion solo]

♪ Soif you want
to pow-wow with Duckman ♪

♪ Stop your seams
from coming unstuck, man ♪

♪ Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet ♪

♪ Write that apology
and dispatch it ♪

♪ When you part
it's grand to patch it ♪

♪ Take a chill pill,
down-the-hatch it ♪

♪ Bet your foe'd be glad
to match it ♪

♪ Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet♪

♪ Like the Chumash, Chickasaws
Chattahoochees, Chippewas♪

♪ And those Chichimecs,
Cherokees, Chapultepecs♪

♪ And the Chacootamees
Chepacheps and Chickapeas♪

♪ Chungchos, Changos
Chattanooga, Chicaroles do!♪

[applause and cheering]

Duckman, remove your hand.

Heh-heh-heh. Sorry.

♪ So if you want
to pow-wow with Duckman ♪

♪ Stop your seams
from coming unstuck, man ♪

♪ Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet ♪

♪ Write that apology
and dispatch it ♪

♪ When you part
it's grand to patch it ♪

♪ Take a chill pill,
down-the-hatch it ♪

♪ Bet your foe'd be glad
to match it ♪

♪ Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet♪

♪ Like the Chumash, Chickasaws
Chattahoochees, Chippewas♪

♪ And those Chichimecs,
Cherokees, Chapultepecs♪

♪ And the Chacootamees
Chepacheps and Chickapeas♪

♪ Chungchos, Changos
Chattanooga, Chicaroles do!♪

[chorus of zany sounds]

[clattering, sloshing]