04x09 - With Friends Like These

[bunniefuu]

[quack]

MAN:
Salt Lake City,
you're on the air.

Hey, Larry, I have a question
for the monsignor.

In all of your
ecumenical studies,

have you ever wondered about
Howard Stern and Babba Booie?!

Babba Booie! Babba Booie!

God, I need a vacation.

Here at last!

Here at last!

Good God almighty,

it's here at last!

Happy birthday, Duckman.

Thanks, Corny.

You call the b*mb squad?

Actually, this one's from me.

Go ahead, open it.

Well, geez,
Pigmalion,

don't you think I'd
better wait for my...

surprise party tonight?

[boinging]

I've just had
the horribly sickening feeling

that you're not joking.

Hoo-hoo-hee!

Traci Lords better
watch her back

with award-winning
performances like that.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, you can deep-six
the thesping, Brother Cornelias.

All week long,
Bernice and the boys

have been whispering
about something.

That can only mean one thing:

Paaarrrr-ttttyyyy!

Duckman, every year
you convince yourself

you'll have
a surprise birthday party,

and every year you spend
the rest of the week tortured,

bedridden and suffering bouts
of hysterical blindness.

[sighing]:
Fine. Go back to your acting,

Sir Lawrence O-Pig-ee-ay.

[growling]

[sing-song fashion]:
Oh, Fluffy...

and his or her
long-time companion...

You rang, Mr. Duckman?

Uh, yes.
At my surprise party tonight,

will all the Mandrell sisters
be there?

[boinging]

We've just had
the horribly sickening feeling

that you're not joking.

[laughs]

Aw, heck, why wait for the party

for the games to begin?

Bobbing for apples, anyone?

Yay!
Yay!

[gurgling]

Duckman, by all that is holy,
please tell me those apples

were broken
hypodermic needle-free.

Some questions are better left
unanswered, Cornmuffin.

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[troops marching]

[Fluffy and Uranus screaming]

[airplane f*ring machine g*n]

[b*ll*ts thudding]

[screaming]

[weapons f*ring]

Now then, where were we?

Ah, yes-- the celebration
of all that is Duckman.

Um, maybe we should

just open my
present instead.

Okay, but this better be good.

♪ For Duckman's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny.

It's a hologram.

I made it myself.

Original construction began

during my
eighth-grade summer

when all of the other
boys were out playing.

Corny, I'll
treasure it always.

Really I will.

[electrical crackling]

[scatting]

Well, I'm home.

Ready for a quiet evening
of warm milk and Bible study.

Surprise. Fun. Whee.

Can I go home now?

Where is...?

Oh, I get it.

A surprise on a surprise!

Come out, come out,
wherever you are!

[crickets chirping]

Wh-where
is everybody?

They've all been stricken
with mad cow disease!

ANNOUNCER:
Attention, viewers:

This joke was written
in spring 1996.

[yelling]

There never was
a surprise party, Duckman.

I ran around town
buying food and party favors

and inviting all your friends.

When threatened with litigation

if I actually referred
to any of them as your friends,

I spent the rest of the day
making balloon animals.

Want to see a wildebeest?

How could this have happened?

In short, you're cynical,
self-serving, contemptuous,

nihilistic, diabolical, miserly,
spineless, phlegmatic,

cold-blooded, weak-willed,
avaricious, smelly...

I thought you said,
"In short"?

Sorry, that's the most fun
I've had all evening.

It's okay, Cornfed.

You can always judge a man
by his friends

and since I have none,
I am nothing.

[sighing]

Duckman, I know that underneath

your terminally abrasive
exterior lies a good side,

but perhaps the reason
you don't have many friends

is because sometimes... you
forget how to be one yourself.

Can this be true?

Could I, Duckman, have
squandered an entire lifetime

by being self-centered,
selfish, self-serving

and self-something-else?

Good heavens, this must change.

From now on, I vow--
as the world is my witness--

a clean slate, a fresh start.

I will summon
all my strengths,

channel all my energies,

and become the very best friend
humanly possible,

so help me God!

Oh, Duckman...

Eh-eh-eh.
No offense, Cornbelt,

but if it really is
going to be a fresh start,

it'll have to be with people who
have no idea how scummy I am.

Toodles.

♪

♪

[yelling]:
Ow! My eye!

[siren]

I've tried everywhere,
solicited everyone

and I still
can't find a friend.

I'm afraid there's only
one thing left to do--

get my IQ And blood/alcohol
to the same level.

Barkeep, give me
the strongest thing you've got.

[screaming]

[groaning]

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh!

[TV-style laugh-track]

I haven't heard
screaming like that

since my cousin Moishe
told Aunt Sophie

he hated her kreplach.

[canned laughter]

Will you jam your jive jawin'
'fore I go upside your head.

We gotta help
this poor, poor man.

Uh, "man"? He looks
more like a duck to me.

He's going to be a dead duck
if we don't do something.

Come on, g*ng.

First, I can't make any friends,

then I scorch
the inside of my esophagus.

Vengeful God,
why must you mock me so?!

Maybe it's too late
to do anything

about your internal injuries,

but we can always help
with the friendship part.

Uh, yeah.

It's the least
us hot-looking

but nonthreatening
twentysomethings can do.

You mean...?

That's right,
Mr. Duck-- er, man.

Welcome to The g*ng!

[recorded audience sighing
and applause]

[ Friends-style theme playing]

♪ Whenever there's no sunshine ♪

♪ Whenever there's no hope ♪

[four rapid claps]

♪ If you get stuck,
we'll tow you ♪

♪ We'll even buy the rope ♪

♪ Life can be so pretty
if you try ♪

♪ And with your g*ng
to be there ♪

♪ You know that we'll get by ♪

♪ Oh, we'll be friends
to the end, to the end ♪

♪ To the end ♪

♪ We'll be good friends ♪

♪ Just like Friends ♪

♪ Friends, friends, friends

♪ Sha-la-la-la.

DITZI:
So this really cute guy
came up to me on the subway

and asked if I was a model.

I wanted him to like me,
so I told him I was

and now we've got
this date tomorrow

and I'm afraid to admit

that I'm just some waitress
at a coffeehouse.

Oh, you guys,
I don't know what to do.

Uh, the same thing
happened to me once.

Really? What did you do?

Uh, what?

[canned laughter]

Come on, you guys,
this is serious.

Listen, Ditzi,

all you got to do
is apologize for lying

then tell this dude
the truth.

And be proud of it, too,

'cause you're not just some
"waitress at a coffeehouse."

You happen to be our friend.

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

Oh, Duckman, these past few days
with you have been so great.

I... I don't know
what I'd do without you.

And I don't know what I'd
do without you, Ditzi.

In fact, I can't
imagine life

without any of you
colorful composites.

Sassy, your lust
for life

and willingness
to tell it like it is.

You go, Duck!

Bobby, your engaging simplicity,
always good for a few laughs.

Uh, what?

[audience laughs and applauds]

Pete Meiser, with that
neurotic Semitic wit

and that lovable
hangdog expression.

Hangdog?
Who am I, Rin Tin Tin?

Next thing you know,
you'll be getting me neutered.

[audience laughs]

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

And finally, Marion,
our unofficial leader.

Who'd have thought
androgyny could be so...

so Middle American?

Um, I-I'm really, you know,
uncomfortable t-talking

about, you know,
what some people call

my sex-sex-sexuality.

Cheese ball?

[audience laughing]

[Duckman laughing]

[sighs]:
Yeah, I got to say,

you people are the best friends
I've ever, ever, ever had.

[applause]

[clock ticking]

Sigh.

[door opens]

[dial tone]

What's that,
Jean-Claude?

A karate chopping
free-for-all
in Brussels?

Gee, I don't know.

Hundreds of other friends

want me to do neat things
with them, too. I...

[loud beeping]

Um, that was just another one
of my friends calling.

Nothing to get jealous about.

Uh, Cornfed, right?

Yes.

Haven't seen much of you lately.

Hey, hanging out with The g*ng's
a full-time job.

Oh, those guys...

But lookie what I've got...

ringside seats for tonight's
"Foxy Boxing" title bout.

If we're lucky,
we may be sweated upon.

Maybe even catch a tooth.

Female fisticuffs?

Cornfed, I happen
to have friends who are women.

I... I'm sorry, Duckman.

It's just that you haven't
been around lately

and, well, to be honest,
you really mean a lot to me

and I miss you...

[laughing hysterically]

I almost forgot
to tell you.

We were sitting around
the other day

discussing relationships...

natch... and, uh,

Pete came out with
the funniest thing.

He's dating this
fashion model

who doesn't know
he's Jewish.

So he says to her,

he says, "Do you
want a boyfriend

or a goyfriend?"

You get it?

A goyfriend!

Wow!

That's some kind of funny,
all right.

Well, I wish I could stay
and entertain you longer,

but it's time for us to
meet at the coffeehouse

to make obscure
pop-culture references.

Pop-culture references?

I make those all the time.

Fabio. The clapper. Mr. Pibb.
Eddie Vedder. Urkel.

Well, g*ng, here I... am.

Hot pockets. Fanny Farmer.
MTV's House of Style.

Spray-on hair.

It's not the same!

Where could The g*ng
have gone?

I know, they're probably

at Marion's spacious
bohemian loft.

Need some company?

Well, actually,
there's something

I wanted to talk
to you about, Corndog.

You know, I... I've been doing
a lot of thinking lately...

I mean, you're really
a nice guy and all,

it's just that...

well, I think we should stop
seeing each other for a while.

Excuse me?

Don't make this any harder
than it already is.

Let's face it,
I've changed, you've changed.

I haven't changed.

The point is,
I want to move on.

This is all about them,
isn't it?

Your precious g*ng.

Don't be ridic...

Wait. No, you're right.

It is all about them.

[chuckles]:
But so what?

They're young,
attractive, popular.

You-- you don't even have
a haircut named after you.

Actually,
there's a tribe in the Aleutians

that sport "the Cornfed."

It's a slick-back number

with little mukluks
where the ears would be.

Shut up!

[glass breaking]

Good-bye, Duckman,

and good luck
with your new life.

But don't you find it a bit odd
that The g*ng's disappeared?

What are you talking about?

Not to alarm you,

but you do have a tendency
to scare people off.

This time it's different.

This time, I've tried
really hard to become

a great, caring friend
just like you said I should.

This time I've changed.

Marion! Ditzi! g*ng!

Open up! Please?!

[sobbing]:
They've deserted me.

I guess it wouldn't be
the first time

a group of people faked
their own deaths

and moved to Tibet
to escape you.

God, I miss Menudo.

Surprise!

Ha!
Oy.

So, what are you waiting for,
belated-birthday boy?

Uh, what?

[audience cheering
and applauding]

MAN:
Bobby, we love you!

[emotionally]:
You people are
so very precious.

[applause]

I don't believe it.

Duckman really does have...
friends.

[door creaks]

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

Okay, D-man,
your desperately tight grip

is severely cutting off
our circulation.

Yeah, sugar.

You, uh, can
let us go now.

I'll never let you guys go.

In fact, I'm going to have us

all surgically grafted together
at the pelvis.

[laugh track]

No, I'm serious.

I know this doctor in Uruguay.

[audience gasps]

[all grunting in exertion]

I cannot express to you
in mere words

how grateful I am.

Thank you.

[extremely long kissing noise]

[moaning pitifully]

Oh, dear.

I guess
being kissed by a man

was too much
for the poor little thing.

God, I hate
being so virile.

Uh... more likely

you just sucked
all the blood out of her head.

[laugh track]

Bobby... you don't have
to make excuses

about Marion's
questionable sexuality.

You're a studly guy
who never fools around

with any of the
girls in The g*ng

and we've never made fun
of your h*m*.

Uh... I'm not gay.

Bobby, bubbe,
hey, come on.

It's me, Duckman,
remember?

Heck, I've experimented
a few times myself--

in Scouts, in college,

during my six-year stint
in the Greek navy.

I'm not gay!
I'm not! I'm not!

[screaming]

What did you say to
get him all crazy?

Ah, we were just,
you know, relating

like good friends
often do.

Speaking of which,

shalom aleichem, sweet
soul sister Sassy.

My home girl,
my home style,
my Home Depot.

What's up with yo bad, bad,
bad Leroy Brown self, G-spot?

Oh, hell no!

I cannot believe

that you just
said what you said.

The hell
with all y'all.

Go fight the power, mama.

Say, what are my two compadres
talking about?

Wait. Let me guess--
relationships.

Yeah, there's no greater feeling
than falling in love...

except maybe when
an infection clears up

or a canker sore
finally heals.

[gasps]

[gagging]

[sighs]

It feels so good to share.

Geez, Duck-guy,

you're not exactly
secretary-general of
the decorum department.

[laugh track]

Oh, you're such a Jew!

God, I love trading witticisms
with you, Petey boy.

You know,
thinking I lost you guys

was the scariest thing
that ever happened to me.

So, first thing
tomorrow morning,

I'm a-moving in!

[stammering]:
Wh-wh-what? Excuse me?

That's right. From now on,
I'll be right here,

hugging you,
trading quips with you,

sharing my each
and every thought and feeling,

no matter
how insignificant or trivial.

Yes, I'll be there for you

and I'll never, ever, ever
let you go.

♪ Whenever
there's no sunshine... ♪

[scatting]

I-I-I don't know
about you guys,

but this Duckman isn't working
out as well as I had hoped.

We can ask him...

no, beg him to leave.

But I don't think we'd ever

really get him
out of our lives.

Uh, so what
are we going to do?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know, I know!

[laugh track]

Let's k*ll him.

[audience applauds]

[toilet flushing]

[laughing]

Hey, how come
nobody's laughing?

[theme music playing]

♪ Whenever there's no sunshine ♪

♪ Whenever there's no hope ♪

[four fast claps]

♪ If you get stuck,
we'll tow you ♪

♪ We'll even buy the rope ♪

♪ Life can be so pretty
if you try ♪

♪ And with your g*ng
to be there ♪

♪ You know that we'll get by ♪

♪ Oh, we'll be friends
to the end, to the end ♪

♪ To the end ♪

♪ We'll be good friends ♪

♪ It's just like Friends ♪

♪ Friends, friends, friends

♪ Sha-la-la-la.

[sizzling sound]

[screaming]

[all laughing]

Well, that wasn't funny
or friendly.

All I did
was try to be your friend,

try to be like you.

You went too far,
meshuggeneh.

We thought we could
quip with anyone.

Relate to anyone.

Look hot with anyone.

Anyone except for...

you!

[all laughing]

Deep down, I knew I never really
fit in with you.

When people look at you,

they see the way
they want to be.

When they look at me,

they see the way
they really are.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Finish me off so there'll be
room for more of you.

And since we're The g*ng...

ALL:
Let's dismember him together!

WOMAN:
But before
your bloodbath begins...

have you considered features?

Oh, my gosh!

It's super agent extraordinaire
Skip "Spike" Bergenstock.

Sign with me and not only
will I have your professionally

chiseled profiles plastered
on every calendar and coffee mug

this side of Alpha Centauri,

but I'll release you

from this small screen
trinitronic purgatory

and take you to the glamorous
world of motion pictures.

Can you really get
us into the movies?

Absitively, but you got
to decide who gets top billing.

Uh, that would be me.

You? Why, I've
been carrying

your collagen-stuffed
butt for years.

SASSY:
My TV-Q tested better
than all of you combined.

[all bickering]

[audience applauding
and cheering]

Corny, what are
you doing here?

Cornfed, that was your greatest
discovery since Yahoo Serious.

Let's talk finder's fee.

Saving Duckman's life is
reward enough, but three points

of the ancillary rights
would really hit the spot.

[clicks tongue]

Duckman, you have your choice:

I can either rush
you to a burn unit

or ringside at Foxy Boxing.

Alas, you know me too well,
old friend.

But before we go,

there's one thing
I don't understand.

I abandon you, hurt you,

treat you like
a bus station toilet,

yet you're always
by my side,

bailing me out,
saving my skin...

Why?

When I graduated college

with a degree in
sidekick sciences,

I could've made
a lifetime commitment

to either you or Matt
Houston, and frankly,

Lee Horsley always
gave me the creeps.

Yeah. He was like
the poor man's Tom Selleck.

Isn't that redundant?

[both laughing]

Corny, you're the greatest.

No offense, Duckman,
but haven't you had

enough hugging
for one day?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Right. Sure.

[audience oohs and ahs]

[applause and cheering]

[applause and cheering
die out]

[audience milling about
and talking]

[ The g*ng theme music
playing backwards]

[DISTORTED VOICE]:
Hello, kids. This is Satan.

Thank you for watching,
and remember to worship me.

Good night.

[music continues
playing backwards]

MAN [distorted]:
Need more cheese.

[boinging]