04x17 - Crime, Punishment, w*r, Peace, and the Idiot

[bunniefuu]

[whistles]

[horns honking]

DUCKMAN:
Yo, slopmeistress,

you call this untreated sewage
"breakfast"?

No, you bloated sack

of partially defatted
meat by-products!

I call it "dinner"!

You were asleep all day!

It just so happens
I had to spend last night

in a filthy, airless crawl space

at Quickie Bob's Motel
poking a camera through a hole

in case a certain nymphomaniac
chose that night

to violate her wedding vows.

You think that's easy?

I took my life in my hands...
among other things.

You mean you actually found a
client stupid enough to pay you?

It's always about money,
isn't it?

A guy's not allowed
to have a hobby.

Couldn't we have
this idiotic conversation

some other time--
say, at your cremation?

We have to get Grandma-ma
ready for her birthday photo.

How old is the birthday girl
this year?

Maybe we should cut her in half
and count the rings.

[Duckman laughs wildly]

[laughter becomes distant]

GRANDMA-MA:
Trigorin.

Bernice, did Mama ever talk
to you about her life?

Her life?!

Well, you know,
I didn't grow up with her,

so I don't know anything
about what she was like

before we were born.

Actually, neither do I.

I know she was born in Russia,

but she was never very clear
about dates.

She didn't talk much about it.

I got the feeling
it was too painful.

Oh, I wish I could find out.

I wonder all sorts of things.

Was she beautiful?
Was she rich? Was she happy?

Where was her home?

GRANDMA-MA:
My home was in Russia

where I was the eldest daughter

of the wealthiest landowner
in all of Shplinsk.

There were those who would say

I was not unpleasant
to look at.

On the first day of each month,

Father would send me
to the village to collect rent

from the serfs.

My dear Sophia
Longnamovitch,

the high incidence
of superstition,

illiteracy and sarcasm
in our village

has caused sales to plummet

at our humble
Bookski Nookski.

Therefore, dear Sophia,

we cannot pay you
that which we owe.

Fear not, Morris and
Sergei Morrisergeivich.

I will tell my father
that bandits

stole your rent money
from me on the way home.

Bless you, Sophia!

Fluffavich!

Uranuskya!

How are you
this fine Russian morning?

Not so good, Miss Sophia.

We have no money
for you today

as we have given it all
to the Siberia Club

which is dedicated
to saving

the Arctic ice floes
from exploitation

by the international
Ice Cube Cartel.

As always, a worthy cause,

friends Fluffavich
and Uranuskya.

I will tell my father
that a giant silver egret

flew off with your rent money.

BOTH:
Bless you,
Miss Sophia.

MAN:
Must always look...

Petrov.

For is always many
volves, volves...

GRANDMA-MA:
Whenever I was within
ten meters of Petrov,

my face would grow hot
and flushed,

my throat became a desert
and my body parts would throb

in a savage,
pulsating Cossack rhythm.

Sophia.
How delightful to see you.

I am tutoring
the local peasants

so that we may all speak
fluent English in act two.

Oh, friend Petrov,

you are the kindest,
noblest army officer

in all of Russia.

Why not finish the sentence?

Petrov is the
noblest in Russia,

while I, Trigorin, am
but a lowly stable boy

living in a rat-
infested hovel

among the foul-tasting dung
of the horses of noblemen.

Petrov is handsome and brave,

while I, Trigorin, take not
my pleasure from living women

but am forced to satisfy
my manful urges

in the company
of goats and chickens.

Yes! Have your fun, my friends.

Laugh and make merry
upon I, Trigorin,

the lonely, impoverished,

despised, smelly
and perverted stable boy.

Problem with the rent
again, Trigorin?

Interesting fact:

my money was stolen
not five minutes ago

by a bunch of bandits
and a giant silver egret.

I'd be happy to
work out a trade.

Oh, thank you,
but I don't need any dung.

We're at w*r. We're at w*r.

w*r is a terrible
thing, young Ajaxski,

but when it comes, all good
men must take up arms.

I, Petrov, vow to fight
these unnamed bastards--

whoever they may be--

with every drop of blood
that flows in my veins.

And I, Trigorin,
vow to stay here

to protect your
wives and daughters

while you are being
slaughtered like dogs

on the frozen battlefields.

Oh. I am forgotting.

Is a letter for you, Trigorin.

You're drafted.

[shrieks]:
Dwa...!

...ski.

I am about to have
my head cut off by Huns.

What does the army care if my
prostate's the size of a pirogi?

They don't.

That's just something
I enjoy doing

in a nonsexual sort of way.

Now, to determine

whether you're
medically fit to serve,

please answer the
following questions:

Have you ever
had dry mouth?
Yes.

Dry cough?
Yes.

Dry heaves?
Yes.

Pyorrhea?
Yes.

Diarrhea?
Yes.

Irritated bowels?
Yes.

Vaginitis?
Had or given?

Had.
Ah. Yes.

Congratulations.

You're in the
Imperial Army now.

[loud bang]

[dramatic music plays]

[expl*si*n]

[thundering hoofbeats]

[horse neighing]

[swords being drawn]

[distant scream]

[cocktail music playing,
slurping on straw]

[neighing]

[dramatic music plays]

[guttural scream]

[cocktail music playing]

[dramatic music plays]

[men shouting, swords clashing]

[explosions]

Whoa! I'd like to ride
that serf!

"I enjoy long walks
on the tundra,

"icy bubble baths
and strong men

who know how to treat
a slightly overweight woman."

Whoa! Yeah, baby!

[expl*si*n]

[birds chirping]

[cattle moos]

[chickens cluck]

[whistling]

[cowbell rings]

Grease up
the riding crop, honey!

It's your stable man!

Trigorin, great to see you.

Have you any
news of Petrov?

Basically, he's dead.

They haven't made
a positive ID.

They're still going
through dental records,

hangnails, body parts,
but it doesn't look good.

[crying]

Oh, there, there.

There, there.

Ah, Sophia, would you mind
crying just a little harder

and maybe a little
to the left?

Oh, yes!

Yeah, baby!

Oh-ho, yes!

Cry for me, baby!
Cry for me!

[crying]

[thunder crashing]

Petrov! Petrov!

No, Petrov is the dead one.

I am Trigorin,
the one with a pulse!

Petrov dead!

Trigorin alive!

Why do you have so much trouble
grasping this simple concept?

GRANDMA-MA:
And then, one night,
something happened.

Something so strange
and terrible

that it could have come out of
a melodramatic Russian novel!

TRIGORIN:
Fire! Fire!

Wake up! Wake up!

Cossacks have set fire
to the house,

but I have saved your family,
including, as of now, you,

and, may I point out
that it is I, Trigorin,

not the dead Petrov who
is saving you, because it is...

Can we go?!

Yeah. I was
pretty much done.

[flames crackling, cattle moos]

Okay. So. Everyone
safe and accounted for?

Beautiful!

Now, just so we're all
on the same page,

let's recap
what happened tonight:

Your home
is now totally... what?

Destroyed.

Good. And your family's
money is...?

Gone!

Excellent.

Meaning that
from this day forward,

you will have no choice

but to come
with Trigorin to...?

America?

Because I...

Trigorin...

not the dead...

Petrov...

saved your family's...

...lives.

I accept your spontaneous

expression of gratitude
with humility and smugness.

[cattle mooing]

[horns honking]

Russia? Was that
all Mama said?

There were some
other things

but it was
so long ago.

She didn't talk
much about Dad.

I think he saved
her life somehow,

and that's when
they emigrated.

He saved her life,
but did she say anything

about falling
in love with him?

No, but she
married him.

She came to
America with him.

She must
have loved him.

GRANDMA- MA"
So greatly did I miss
my dear Petrov

that I thought
my very soul would shatter.

But I had pledged myself
to Trigorin

and I vowed
to make myself love him.

Hey, mama!

Dig those full, ripe,
childbearing hips.

We finally arrived
in New York City,

but it was far different
than I had imagined,

and the air--
I had never inhaled

such a foul mixture of horse
droppings and human filth!

Wow! Smells just like home.

After walking the streets
for hours,

Trigorin finally found us
a place to live.

Magnificent!

What a palace!

And it's practically
dung-free!

Okay, I'm bushed.
Let's hit the floor.

We'll have to do this in shifts.

Who wants the fire escape?

[snoring]

[Trigorin whispering]:
So, uh, wifey,

what say we celebrate
coming to America?

While I am more
or less willing

to discharge my
matrimonial duties,

perhaps now is not
the perfect moment.

What, are you kidding?
What better time?

SOPHIA:
Uh, perhaps when my
brothers and sisters

and mother and father
are not asleep

on either side of us.

Honey, we have
been here 18 hours.

It's time you dropped
your old-world morals

into the euro-trash can.

Just snuggle up close.

Good. What is that?

Oh, it's your dad's leg.

[chuckles]

[whispering]:
Excuse me, Fyodor.

Hello! No, no,
it is not morning yet.

Would you mind
rolling over just a pinch?

Your daughter and I are going
to play hide the blintz.

Thanks. You're a dear.

[rooster crowing]

SOPHIA:
Trigorin? Trigorin!

I am grateful
for the kindness

you have shown
my family--

saving our lives,

bringing us
to this new land,

yet, as I lay
on the floor

last night with
each of my limbs

touching either another
person or a wall,

I found my optimism about
America growing dimmer.

[gasps]:
Sophela, I am shocked.

USA is number one, my girl,

and until they get enough
evidence to deport me,

I'm going to believe
that right here in America

even the most ridiculous dream
of the most ridiculous loser

is absolutely
guaranteed to come true.

Void where prohibited.
Your mileage may vary.

Past performance no guarantee
of future return.

Not affiliated with the America
School of Broadcasting.

Member FDIC.

Oh, Trigorin,

you are such a
cockeyed idealist!

So, what is your American dream?

I'll bet you have one somewhere
inside your secret place.

You found my secret place?

Your heart.

Ah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, ever since I was
a young stable toddler,

I dreamt of one day
opening my own business...

[all giggling]

But as these Americans say,
it takes money to makes money,

and I still can't find
those damn money trees!

As an alternative,
perhaps we could work.

Work?!

Perhaps since we hope

for our lives here
to be sweet,

we could open
a candy store.

Candy store?

You mean a place
where two consenting adults,

one of whom
wears very little clothing,

performs, for a nominal
handling charge, any sex act

except a kiss full on the lips?

No. I mean a store
that sells candy.

Oh, okay.

That could work, too.

[crowd cheering]

I can't believe it.

We really did it!

Um... yes.

"We" did it in the sense of me

spending the last five years
cleaning fish

while you entertained yourself
with shadow puppets.

TRIGORIN:
Look, a dog!

Arf!

[chuckles]

Oh, got to go.

What?!

Yeah. Wish I could stick around,

but I've got lots
of important stuff to do.

Don't worry.
I'll be back at 6:00,




but definitely no later
than ten...ish, Moscow time.

Trigorin, wait!
I need you!

[whispering]:
If only you did, Sophia.

[Trigorin mumbling incoherently]

Who is it?

Who goes there?

[mumbling]

Trigorin, you've been
in the rum balls again!

[belches]

Come. Let's go to bed.

Bet you'd rather be saying
that to your beloved Petrov!

Oh, is that the cause
of your erratic behavior?

It is true, Petrov once meant
something to me,

but I am your wife now

and it is to you
to whom I am devoted to.

It is to you who I honor
and respect,

and-- if you look at it
a certain way-- love.

Love?

GRANDMA-MA:
From that day forward,
Trigorin was a changed man.

Soon we went
from selling penny candies

to serving two-dollar steaks
and three-dollar martinis.

Is this country great or what?

We've got money, friends, money,
success, money, money and money.

I told you everything was going
to work out in the New World.

And money!

I tell you, Soph, looking back
at my humble beginnings

as a lonely, impoverished,
despised, smelly

and perverted stable boy,
I would never have believed

this moment could come--
a moment when I am completely

fulfilled, utterly happy,
when I feel like nothing

could possibly ever,
ever, ever go wrong...

[bell tinkles]

Why do I give them these setups?

No...!

No...!

But where are my manners?

Petrov, old friend,
let me look at you.

Hmm... something different
about you.

Well, I...

No, don't tell me.
I can guess.

Let's see...

put on weight?

Wearing contacts?

Trimmed your
nasal hairs?

Had your skin
bleached?

I lost a leg in the w*r.

You shaved
your beard!

Petrov,
we-we thought you were...

Taller?

Dead.

Oh. Natural mistake.

Oh, Petrov, how I've missed...

[clears throat]

That is, I suspect
that certain individuals

were concerned

about your well-being
during your prolonged absence.

Certain individuals,
having traveled aimlessly

around the world
for many lost years,

may take comfort
in those cryptic sentiments.

So, Petrov, bubee,
thanks for dropping by.

Really. Give us a call
when you land on your feet.

Or should I say "foot"?

Bye-bye.

[bell tinkles]

Petrov, wait!

Trigorin, we have
plenty of room.

Couldn't Petrov
stay with us?

With us?
You know how I like

to parade around the house
in my underwear.

That is, if I wore any.

Kind Sophia,
I will not accept charity.

If I stay here,
I must earn my keep.

Thanks, but we already
have a doorstop.

He could bus tables,
wash dirty dishes.

Couldn't you, Petrov?

With one foot
tied behind my back.

[Petrov and Sophia laugh]

All right,
old friend.

If it's demeaning work
you want,

demeaning work
you shall have.

You can start by licking
these ashtrays clean.

GRANDMA-MA:
Many tense weeks passed.

Perhaps it was foolish

to hope that a man
as insecure as Trigorin

would allow Petrov
back into my life,

but sometimes hope
is all a woman has.

You and Trigorin,
you must be... happy.

Yes, we must.

Petrov, please understand.

When I saw you again,
after so many years,

I harbored thoughts
unworthy of a married woman.

You will always be important
to me,

but it is to my husband to whom
I must be forever true to.

Why don't you
just lick his nipples already?!

Trigorin!

I can't take it anymore,
and I won't!

Tell me, Petrov,
when you lie with my wife,

do you laugh at me?

Did you tell her
what a cowardly,

sniveling, nancy boy I am?

How I spent the w*r
hidden in a foxhole

reading girlie magazines?

How I set fire
to her father's house

and staged her rescue

just so she'd be
forever indebted to me?!

Okay, I'm going to take that
as a "no."

Feeling a lot
of tension right now.

How could you?!

How could you do
such a thing?!

Because I loved you,
because I wanted you,

and-and... I don't know,
fire kind of turns me on.

Wait! Wait!
I remember something.

Yes, it's all coming back
to me.

I was there
the night of the fire.

I had come home
to find my beloved Sophia.

Don't worry, Sophia!

I'll save you

and your family
and your possessions.

Unless, of course, this fire
is for insurance purposes.

[grunts]

Must free self...
to save Sophia.

[maniacal
chuckling]

Is someone there?

Please
help me!

The fire! The accident!

I must have blocked it
all out

because I believed
you loved Trigorin.

You!
You have ruined my life!

You have cost me my leg.

And my favorite one, too!

Yeah, but, come on,

think of the money
you saved on shoelaces.

Most unforgivably, you have
betrayed the woman I love.

I, Petrov, challenge you
to a duel to the death.

Well, since you're
a leg short, I accept.

Pick the place.

It must be somewhere isolated.

Devoid of human society.

Lakehurst, New Jersey.

Jersey? Great!

How am I supposed
to get to Jersey?

West Side Highway
to George Washington.

You'd like me to get caught
in that traffic, wouldn't you?

I'm taking
the Pulaski Skyway.

PETROV:
You could grab the ferry
to Staten Island,

take the Outerbridge Crossing
and be there in an hour.

You're right,
and I'd save on tolls!

Petrov, you were the finest
marksman in all of Shplinsk.

This is not a duel.

It is m*rder.

No, my love, it is honor.

Whatever he has done,
he has done for me.

Please, please, don't k*ll him.

He has made his own fate.

BOTH:
One... two...

three... four... five...

[yammers]

[gasps]

[loud expl*si*n]

STEINSKI:
Well, Mrs. Trigorin,

you appear to be what we
board-certified obstetricians

refer to as "pregnant."

Trigorin's baby.

Babies.

Three to be exact.

What we medical professionals
often refer to as "triplets."

GRANDMA-MA:
Trigorin and Petrov were gone.

And yet
from that senseless tragedy

came such beauty...
my babies.

BOTH:
Happy birthday, Mama.

I just wish...
I wish I could have known her.

And you.

We have time, Beverly.

You're home now.

Yeah,
we're all home.

GRANDMA-MA:
My home was in Russia

where I was the eldest daughter

of the wealthiest landowner
in all of Shplinsk.

There were those who would say

I was not unpleasant
to look at.

TRIGORIN:
Why don't you just
lick his nipples already?!