04x28 - Four Weddings Inconceivable

[bunniefuu]

[Pachelbel's "Canon in D"
concluding]

Ben, son of Ben,

do you take
this woman

for your lawful
wedded wife?

I do.

And Dana Katherine,

daughter of unbelievably
gorgeous gentiles,

do you take this man

for your lawful
wedded husband?

I do.

I'll hurry before
she regains her sight.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

[cheering]

["Hava Nagila" plays]

I don't know where
Duckman could be.

The New York p*rn
Expo ended three days ago.

Why isn't he back yet?

I'm sure Duckman's fine.

Besides, it might be worse
if he does show up.

Bernice is going to
reveal her secret today,

and, well, when
Duckman finds out...

It'll make Bosnia look like
a foot rub from Perry Como.

Duckman's never seen
Ben's bride.

Can you imagine what
he's going to say to Dana

when he sees
how beautiful she is?

I once saw him do ten minutes

of insultingly crude
and leering come-ons

to a heavily veiled Iraqi
transsexual in a full body cast.

When he meets
this incredible woman...

She's so wonderful

and he's so...

well...

Unbelievably lucky?

Yeah.

But they sure
are happy.

Yeah. Weddings, you know.

Yeah.

♪ Oh, I am the Duckman ♪

♪ Oh, Duckman, I gotta be,
I am ♪

♪ Duckman... ♪

Dad.

Hey, hey, hey.

Dad, where
have you been?

You've even beaten your
previous tardiness record

which you set at your
grandmother's funeral.

Yeah, I remember.

No way I leave an
REO Speedwagon concert

before they play
"Roll with the Changes."

Look, I'll explain when
we get to our table.

We're not at your table.

We're stuck at
the kiddy table

with all the
neighbor kids.

Scott Desalvo
keeps touching me.

It's creepy.

Just come over
to our table in
a little bit

'cause I have
some news.

And bring Ajax.

Where is he, anyway?

Over there.

Dr. and Mrs. Stein,

thank you for inviting me
to your wedding.

I hope you are blessed
with a child

and that it is a masculine child

and, um...

damn.

Dr. and Mrs. Stein,

thank you for inviting me...

Once you can move him
without waking him,

come on over.

Talk about
your party animals

what time is
your next blink?

Where have you been?
Are you all right?

Duckman, we've
been waiting.

I'm tip-top from top to tip.

I'm sorry if you were worried,
but I'll explain everything.

Where's Bernice?

Um, she and her date
must be running late.

Bernice has a date?

I thought the escort
services banned her for biting.

They did.

This isn't
an escort.

She's...
seeing someone.

In fact, it's
someone you know.

Well, that rules out
my sons' teachers,

my elected officials
and everyone on UPN.

So, who's Lizzie Boredom
been whacking?

Is every
b-b-body happy?

King chicken!

You and him!
Him and you!

Before you get your 'roids
ruffled, listen up.

We're in love!

That's right,
I, your arch enemy

and he, your arch nemesis
are an item.

We're sick of sneaking
around behind your back.

We're here, we sneer,
we jeer, get used to it.

You two are going
out together?

[laughs]

Well, he seems to be
taking it well.

Yeah, that's what
Stanford White said

when Harry Thaw showed
up at the Garden.

They're called books, kids.

Try reading one.

I've never seen Dad
look like this before.

He looks... happy.

Duckman, what's going on?

I'm sorry, really.

This is just
too perfect.

Duckman...

glad you could come.

Baron von Dockenstein.

Rocky congratsiano to
you and the blusher.

While I haven't a clue
what you're saying

I'll take your air of
bonhomie at face value.

What you said.

So, where is the old
trouble and strife?

Let's see what made this

miss a hit.

WOMAN:
Hi.

Why is everyone sneaking
up behind me today?

[celestial theme playing]

Everyone, this
is my lovely bride,

Dana Renard.

Dana, this is Charles
and Mambo and Ajax

and their aunt Bev,
her boyfriend Cornfed,

his partner Duckman,

his sister-in-law
Bernice,

her boyfriend King Chicken

and his cousin,
international film star

Kevin Bacon.

Ben-o, beaucoups
de mazel tovs.

And Dana,
congratulations

on being able to
see what a kind

and caring person
Stein's got stashed
inside.

[chuckling]:
Oh, thank you, Duckman.

I'm glad you'll be
our neighbor.

He's really nice.

What a great couple.

All right, who are you

and what have you
done with Duckman?

[laughs]

Bernice, I don't blame you
for being confused.

The truth is, I have something
to tell all of you.

I'm in love,

and you'll never believe
who with.

She must still be out
looking for a parking...

Whoa!

Here I am.

My little lover man.

ALL:
Honey Chicken?!

Hi, y'all.

So, can you believe it?

Me and Duckman an item.

Honey and Duckman?

Hey, what are you
doing here?

He's with me,
and we're in love.

Really? Well...

then what's the big deal to
Kingy if we see each other?

Yeah, what's it
to you, King?

Yeah, what's it
to you, King?

Why, nothing,
of course.

Duckman, how did
this happen?

It's a really
romantic story.

You tell them,
Honey.

Oh, I'm no good with stories.

Well, okay.

A few months ago, I realized
I couldn't control my drinking

'cause I was always drunk.

I'd hit bottom.

So I divorced Kingy.

I set out to somehow
change my life.

It was tough

but I managed
to get sober

and so far, stay sober.

So, to celebrate, I decided
to take a trip to New York.

Here's the me part.
Here's the me part.

That's right,
honey bunny.

Who was I seated next to on the
flight to New York but Duckman.

But then the plane developed,
uh, engine trouble.

There's a monster
on the wing!

There's a monster
on the wing!

HONEY:
We thought we were
going to die.

[screaming]

HONEY:
Fortunately, the captain
was able to make

an emergency landing.

We were bruised and shaken.

Mostly bruised.

But we were alive

and we realized
we were also in love.

[projector buzzing]

By the time
we got to New York

all we wanted to do
was be with each other.

Right, cutie butt?

You better believe it,
my little chitlin goo.

I knew Honey was beautiful
and sexy and sweet and kind.

But I also saw how strong she is

and how brave and how much
she believes in me.

And I want to see it every day
for the rest of my life.

Duckman,

you magnificently
sentimental bastard.

Are you asking
Honey to marry you?

Oh, uh, well, uh...

Don't answer that,
Duckman.

I have something
to say.

Bernice, what
the idiot said

touched me deep inside

where my desire
meets my longing

and causes love
to bubble

over the side
of the glass
that is my heart.

You should tilt your heart
when you pour longing in.

Bernice, this seems
incredibly coincidental,

but will you marry me?

But... should we?

Do you think it
would work?

I mean, what do we
really have in common

other than an unquenchable
lust for each other

and a hatred of Duckman?

There's only one way
to find out.

In the movie Clue,

which was your
favorite ending?

A, B or C?

Why choose when the video
cassette has all three?

Oh, baby, will you marry me?

Yes!

Boy, real life really is
stranger than fiction.

Duckman, were you really
asking me to marry you?

Well, as a matter...

Duckman, I'm sorry to
interrupt you

but strange
as it may seem

I'm going for
the hat trick.

Bev, no relationship
I've ever been in

feels this
right,

and I've dated
Joan Lunden.

Will you do me
the honor

of giving me your
hand in marriage?

Of course I will, Corny.

Cool.

Look, sweetie, I know that
you were put on the spot.

Duckman, you don't
have to marry me

if you don't want.

I'll still love you
just the same.

And I'll still be your
cuddle bug no matter what.

Okay?

Break out the Fresca.

We're getting married!

[applause and cheering]

Hey.

Am I the first one?

Yeah. King's not here yet

and the girls
are fitting bridesmaids' dresses

or fluffing
monogrammed napkin rings

or registering toilet seat
cozy patterns. Something.

They'll be here any minute.

In all the excitement

we haven't had a chance
to sit as friends

and reflect on the
enormous changes

we're about
to go through.

We should take
some time to share.

That's enough of that.
Thank God.

To be honest, I was worried
how the boys would react

to my marrying
my arch nemesis' ex-wife

but they're really
taking it well.

So, it's decided.

When this hideous marriage
screws up our heads,

Charles and I will stick
up convenience stores.

And Ajax, you'll become
a street hustler.

I'm way ahead of you.

I'm afraid the whole thing
will get called off

if the ladies
don't stop squabbling

over the wedding plans.

Whose bonehead idea
was it

to do a triple wedding
in the first place?

I believe it was yours.

Oh. Yeah. It was me.

Forget it.

Anyway, our problem
is King you-know-who.

Talk about pushy.

You're right.

If that overgrown squab

wags his finger at me
one more time

I'm going to break it off!

Don't you mean...
[imitates clucking]:
Break it off?

[both laughing]

That raucous laughter
can only mean one thing--

a new dirty joke!

Come on, let me hear it.

Oh, it was, uh...

Nothing.

Oh, now, now, now.

I might think the laughter
was at my expense.

[clucking laughter]

Oh, fine.

Well, then, maybe
I'll just leave.

Kingy!

Are you throwing another one
of your famous hissy fits?

This really...

[everybody talking at once]

Okay, everyone sit down!

Let's try to spend
one friggin' evening

planning this miserable wedding
without fighting!

Boy,was that
not the right thing to say!

Well! Sometimes I think
you dread this wedding

more than anything else
on Earth.

Now, now, butter buckles,
you know that's not true.

The thing I dread most
is E!'s Gossip Show.

[tittering]

There you go.

Now, let's all try

to get along, okay?

Duckman's right.

Now, we're here
to plan a wedding.

This is supposed to be
a happy occasion, remember?

[grumbling]

Okay, okay, listen.

Now, let's just try
to get to the real problems

without finger-pointing,
without blame,

without accusations, okay?

Great. Now, King,
why don't you go first

since you're the one
ruining this for everyone.

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

King, really,
I was just kidding.

No, no, I'm well aware
that you all resent me

for "taking over"
the wedding plans.

It's just that ever since
I was a little boy

I've always dreamed
of the perfect wedding--

the decorations
and the bridesmaids' gowns

and the flowers...
well, what little boy

hasn't daydreamed
about all that?

I know none of you think
the wedding coordinator matters

but I'm telling you, it does!

A successful affair has
got to have a concept--

an overriding theme--
the ties, the decor

the food, the clothes,
the entire experience

into a cohesive whole.

"A taffeta-tacular
in Candyland"?

Don't you just love it?!

Yes. I love it.

It's...

[whispering]:
Yummy.

Yes. Yummy.

Good.

Then that's settled.

Well...

on a less
flesh-crawling note,

I have a problem with
the seating arrangement.

My relatives are
sitting by the band

and it'll be too loud.

What do you mean?

Our relatives
are all the way
in the back...

by the kitchen.

I'm talking about my relatives.

Since when do you
have relatives I don't?

You're an orphan.

I know I'm an orphan, Bernice.

I consider the people

I grew up with
at the orphanage

to be
my relatives.
Oh...

After all, I've known them
a lot longer than you.
Bev.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.

Because you've
known me a hell
of a lot longer

than you've known...
Hamboneover there!

Again with the pig jokes?

Then why don't we talk
about the way

you two rut with each other
like godless hogs.

Yeah. We never do that.

W-W-W-Wait-wait.

What was that?

For the first
time tonight

I heard something
interesting.

Bev, what
are you saying?

That he's never
foamed your runway?

He's never jacked
your Valenti?

Woolied your mammoth?
Sha-na-ed your na?

Silenced your lamb?
Johned your 316?

Pardoned your Nixon?

We're waiting
for the honeymoon.

Sue me.
I'm old-fashioned.

Sure.

He's old-fashioned

but she wanted
a screwdriver.

Oh, yeah.
Look who's talking.

What's that
supposed to mean?

You are just like Cornfed,
you big hypocrite--

refusing to have sex
until after we're married.

What?!

You'll be lucky if you
get it after you're married.

I never did.

What?!

Honey,
are you telling me

in the nine years
you were married to King,

you never once
had sex?

That's a lie.

Honey, we had sex
constantly.

And Bernice, you and I
are always having sex.

I don't believe it.

What?

Uh, King,
the things we did

that's, um...

that's not sex.

Get out!

Then... what...

DUCKMAN:
King...

[whistles]
Come here.

[whispering]

[gagging]

[vomiting]

[laughing]

[snorting laugh]

This is not funny!

Bernice, come on.

That's funny.

So, we all okay?

Full steam a-wed?

I'd like to bring up
this horrible
napkin color.

I mean, who
likes twill,

for God's sake?

Twill was John-John's
napkin color.

Hey, Kingy.

Penis.
[vomiting]

Bernice, I have two
questions for you.

Who are you? And who the hell
do you think you are?

[all talking at once]

[loud whistle]

That's it!

I've had it.

It's like
you're trying

to tear
this wedding apart.

I've been looking
for this kind of love

ever since Beatrice d*ed.

This is my chance to be happy

and you're not going
to take that away!

So here's the way
it's going to work.

I'm taking over the wedding,
I'm planning it

and it will not be perfect.

There will be a lot of things
you'll hate and it's okay

because you'll honestly be able
to tell everyone

"Hey, it's not my fault;
Duckman screwed up."

All right? Are we agreed?

Good.

Meeting over!

[door closing]

It's like a fairy tale,
isn't it?

[King vomiting]

[church bells ringing]

Friends of bride "A"

in quadrant A-one to G-six.

Groom "A"
in quadrant A-six to M-six.

Groom "B" in quadrant...

Good afternoon.

My name is Coco L'available,

and I am a professional
lounge singer,

as well as Mr. Duckman's
dental hygienist.

Not for deep scaling
and calculus and stuff.

Just for cleaning.

And he has permitted me
to offer my gift of song

to you and yours today

to celebrate he
and his wedded bliss...

for always.

[clearing throat]

Oh, and since mr. Duckman's
organ is not functioning

I will be singing
these a cappella selections

with no accompaniment.

[singing to the tune
of "The Wedding March"]

♪ It's wedding day ♪

♪ It's wedding day ♪

[off-key]:
♪ It's wedding d-a-a-ay ♪

♪ It's wedding day... ♪

She was ordained
in Puerto Guano.

I figured she'd be
like Switzerland.
Neutral?

Oh! I thought she'd
give us chocolate,

but you're right--
she's neutral, too.

Shut up!

You're making me sicker.

Wow!
Kevin Bacon.

My teacher's sister

works with your uncle's
brother-in-law.

DUCKMAN:
Sit down!

♪ Here come the brides ♪

♪ Here come
the brides... ♪

Ow!

Ooh!
Ooh!

[men grunting]
♪ ...the brides ♪

♪ He-He-Here come the brides ♪

♪ Here... ♪

Dearly beloved...

Yes, sweetie-pie?

Oh, right. Sorry.

The couples have chosen to
exchange their own vows.

Duckman?

Right here!

I'm gonna do the
vows for everyone.

And I don't think
there's anything
I could say

that would express
the love we all
share better

than this quote from
a great American.

"As I stood in that
Chicago hotel room

"and heard that
Nicole was dead,

"I remembered how completely
not at the scene I was

"when it happened

"and all I could do was
run into the bathroom

"break a glass and then
head back to L. A.

To get my passport
and my fake beard."

[sobbing]

♪ It's wedding day... ♪

Wow...

Uh... [clears throat]

I mean, do you,
Eric Tiberius Duckman,

Willobald Fivel Cornfed

and George Herbert
Walker Chicken

take these women to be
your lawful wedded wives?

We do.
We do.
Cluck-cluck.

Do you, Honey Ursula Bacon,
Bernice Florence Hufnagel

and Beverly Glen Hufnagel

take these men to be
your lawful wedded husbands?

ALL:
We do.

♪ It's wedding... ♪

ALL:
Will you shut up?

Thank you.

The rings?

[grunting]

Oy, skip the rings.

If anyone knows why
these couples shouldn't be wed,

speak now
or forever hold your peace.

[farting]

Doesn't count.

Then I pronounce you

husbands and wives.

Kiss 'em if you got 'em.

[applause and cheering]

WOMAN:
Stop!

Stop the wedding!

So solly. Too late.

You should...

[gasping]

[gasping]

[all gasping]

DUCKMAN:
Beatrice!

Beatrice?

Beatrice?

Beatrice?

Who's Beatrice?

My wife.

Uh, uh, my first wife.

I-I mean...

you're alive.

Well, yeah, sure I am.

Didn't Cornfed ever tell you?

[guests gasp]

Uh, Duckman,
I can explain.

♪ ...a-a-aay ♪

♪ A-a-aay ♪

♪ A-a-aaaaay ♪

♪ It's wedding day ♪

♪ It's wedding day ♪

♪ It's wedding da-a-y ♪

[takes deep breath]:
♪ ...a-a-ay... ♪

Does that do it?
That is it.

I think that's it.
Okay.