02x27 - Tu Ba or Not Tu Ba

[bunniefuu]

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(Playing Rock Tuba)

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(Fireworks pop and whistle)

(Stop beep)

So? Whaddya think?

- It was so good that blew my mind up like a balloon

and then popped it and my brains went everywhere!

(Splat sounds)

- I loved your hair!

- And the production values!

- And how it was so beautiful it made Duncan cry!

- (Sniffles) No it didn't!

This is just eye sweat!

- Is this a trick?

You kids have never been this supportive of me.

Ever.

- But that's only because the things you do are usually bad.

Like really bad.

But that tuba playing!

Chef, it was great.

You're way better at it than teaching.

Why isn't that your job?

- Yeah! - It's your destiny!

- You were born to tuba!

- Thanks kids,

but I could never be a real musician.

Tuba's just a hobby.

That's why I made my video, to live out a fantasy

I could never hope to achieve in real life.

I even posted it on U Tuba!

Too bad no one's gonna watch it except you kids.

(Phone rings) Wha?

Hello?

WHAT?!

It's the manager for Tubalicious!

The top tuba band in the country!

She saw my video and she wants me to audition for the band!

- It's your big break, Chef!

- What are you waiting for, Tuba Man?

Say yes!

- I mean, I... uh...

(Fainting moan, landing thud)

- Hi, this is Chef's... um, agent?

Who is real and definitely owns a briefcase.

He'll be there!

- No, no, no, no!

I can't audition for Tubalicious.

Look at them!

They're... they're gods!

I know! I'll just tell them I came down with Tuba-culosis.

(Slap, shrieks)

- Snap out of it, Chef!

This is your dream. You have to go after it.

- Yeah, remember you told me never to give up on my dream

of becoming Queen of the World?

Izzy: How you encouraged me to keep painting.

(as Bob Ross) Happy little trees.

Owen: And what about when you said I should never stop trying

to fit that jar of pickles in my mouth?

- He got it in, Chef.

The whole thing. Remember?

We needed that special jar-surgeon to extract it?

- You know what? You kids have a point!

I'll do it!

But what if I actually get the gig?

You kids would need a new teacher.

- (Realizing gasp)

- Huddle up!

Sure, losing Chef sounds scary,

but what if we ran the interviews?

We could choose the perfect replacement!

- He gets his dream and we get our dream teacher.

I like it.

- Uh...kids I'm not sure if--

- Chef, baby, don't worry about us!

We'll find your replacement

while you train for your audition.

(Blows whistle) - And luckily,

your new coach is ready to ROCK!

♪♪♪

Okay! Now give me laps around the school!

- Pfft. You really think you got what it takes

to be my new Tuba coach?

What are your credentials?

- My credentials are...

get your tuba playing butt running laps

or you'll be back to playin' two-bit wing joints so fast

it'll make your head spin! - Sir, yes sir!

(Blows whistle)

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- This is so exciting!

I've never conducted an interview before!

- I know! I came up with all kinds of great questions,

like "Why is my cat's tongue so rough?"

and "Why isn't my dog's tongue rough too?"

They're mostly about tongue stuff.

(Knock on door)

- (singsong) Come in...

- Yes. Please hand your resume to my associate

and have a seat.

(Whirring)

- It appears we will need another copy.

I thought that was a scanner.

- For these interviews, I think the most important

virtue a teacher can have is honesty.

- You've asked me this eight times.

Yes! This is my real hair!

- (Sighs) And I wish I could take your word for it.

Izzy? (Struggling grunts)

- Admit it! You're a spy!

- Ahhh! Aw! - (All gasp)

- My cover's blown! Pull me out! PULL ME OUT!

(Helicopter whirs)

- I liked her!

(Blobbing)

- Ho, ho, ho. All day we do not have, Chef.

NOW PLAY!

- But you took my tuba away!

- You bet I did.

Because you have to BE the tuba, Chef.

BE the tuba.

- Okayyyy...

(mouths tuba noises) Bwamp bwaaaamp bwamp...

- Yes! YES! Now we're cookin'!

- Bwampy bwoomp bwamp...

- My perfect teacher's gotta be WILD.

No rules, no structure,

just action, action, action!

- I speak seven languages,

have a PHD in early childhood education

and I developed an award winning program--

- BOOOOOORING.

How about werewolf wrestling? - Uh, it sounds...

very scary?

- You won't like this next part then.

♪ Ta ta! (Screams)

(Werewolf growling)

- Oh c'mon, you're barely even fighting back!

(Splat)

(Blowing tuba)

- That's it, Chef! Blow!

Blow with the force of a thousand storms.

You are a tuba god!

- (Inhales)

(Blows tubs) - Whoa!

- What do I want out of Chef's replacement?

Well... (Chuckles)

And what is your policy on... snacking?

- Well that's easy, lil' bro.

High protein. Low carb.

Gotta feed the mind and the bod, right?

- I see. Then make your choice.

(Wheels squeak)

- Oh-kay?

Ahhh! (Electricity zaps)

- Yeah, I don't see this working out.

♪♪♪

- YEAH!

- You did it. Chef,

you're ready for your big audition!

- You know it!

(Deep breath, blows tuba)

- It's tuba time. - (Yells) WHAT?

- No no. We'll call you. But thanks for the egg!

- I guess that's it.

We've seen the applicants

and no one was a fit to be our new teacher.

- You're right. I hate to say it,

but the perfect Chef might be... Chef!

- He has the best snacks. - He fights werewolves.

- And he almost never sells our secrets

to foreign governments!

- And breaking the rules isn't nearly as much fun

without Chef making that hilarious angry face.

- You mean this one?

- UH! Never. Do that. Again.

- Then it's settled!

We need Chef and we have to keep him from auditioning

by any means necessary!

All: Yeaaaaaah!

- (Sighs) All that training was amazing,

but now I'm gonna be late to my audition!

- I dunno Duncan. I wanna stop Chef from leaving too,

but isn't filling his gas t*nk with fireworks...

overdoing it a bit?

(Engine chokes) - C'mon, please start,

please start, please start, please--

(Engine turns, revs)

(Blast, flames whoosh) Ahhhhhh!

- Talk about your all time backfire.

- Come on, we gotta stop that audition!

(Fireworks pop)

- Okay, Chef? We're ready for you.

Break a leg!

- Okay, Chef. Time to melt some faces.

- We're too late!

- Not necessarily.

I convinced the CIA agent to sh**t him

with a sleeping serum dart.

- Wait. So this isn't actually a matter of national security?

- Sorry spy lady, but you're already in too deep.

NOW BLOW THE DART!

- (Blows)

(Whooshes)

All: YES!

- Agh. Weird. What's this feeling?

I'm all noodle-legged and foggy-brained.

What am I gonna do!

No! Remember Noah's coaching.

- Music you should feel, my young apprentice.

(Plays fast tempo rock tuba)

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(Final note) (Cheering)

- Chef! That was AMAZING!

You're in the band!

See you at the airport first thing tomorrow.

(Cheering, applause) (Chef faints)

- (sighs) Chef's probably half way to Flufenburg

with Tubalicious by now.

- I wonder who his replacement is going to end up being?

- We might as well face it -

whoever walks in this door is going to be nothing

but a stinky, phony, doo doo head!

- Courtney, language!

All: CHEF!!!

- Hey...

so do you kids have anything you want to tell me

about my audition?

- Well... (chuckles)

we looked for a replacement Chef,

but it turns out you can't be replaced.

So we kinda, sorta tried to sabotage your dream

so you'd have to stay here with us.

- We're so sorry, Chef!

- Hey, easy buddy.

Look, you kids know what you did is wrong...

but it's kinda hard to be mad when you helped me deliver

the greatest performance of my life!

- I know. We did.

- Not to mention the fact that it showed me

how much you really care.

See, that's why I could never give up being your teacher.

- Wait. Do you mean...?

- That's right! I'm not going anywhere!

(Cheering and laughing)

- Yup. (sighs) It's good to be home.

(Growling)

- Wait, what's that growling sound?

There uh, might still be a werewolf in here?

- A werewolf? Not in MY Daycare!

(Werewolf roars) (Chef grunts)

(Fighting grunts, objects clutter)

Hey! Hold still and take your medicine, wolf!

- (Sighs) Best teacher ever.

Chef: Hahahahaha! YEAH!

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