01x01 - Pot-Bellied Pigs

[bunniefuu]

Dad, the problem is,

there's just no work right
now in my chosen field.

You still... let me see if
I have this right...

You wanna be a daredevil?

Yeah, yeahl,
I wanna be a daredevil.

Do you read the want ads, Ben?

Do you read them?

Yeah, of course I read
the want ads, dad.

I read 'em every day.

And... and...

And what exactly
is a "gal Friday"?

That's not for you.

What do you look under, exactly,

when you read the ads,
what category?

Do you look
just under "daredevil"?

Okay, dad.

Ben, where are you going?

I'm going back to bed.

Ben, what about...

Remember we had this talk
about the master plan?

I knew when I was ten years old.

That I wanted to be
a psychiatrist.

Ten years old,
but when I was 20,

when I finished college,

I took work...

As a pimp, I had to.

There was nothing out there.

No, when I was 20 years old,

I went to work in
my father's factory.

Yeah?

And for four years,
I worked in a factory.

I worked my way up, initially
from the elevator operator.

To the point where
I was supervising.

The elevator operators.

Was it a manual?

No, it was an a*t*matic.

Oh, good.
But, uh...

Well, Ben, get some sleep.

And you know what?
Thanks.

Jeez, where did you
put my magic wand.

So that I can
clear the table for us.

That's very funny, dad.

Why don't you at least put
your damn dish in the sink?

Would you do that for me?

Well, you know,
I mean, I will, okay,

and I do the dishes every day.

I don't see you ever
doing the dishes.

Where do you go
to do the dishes?

'Cause you certainly
don't do 'em here.

You know, dad, maybe you
could do the dishes today.

And I'll do 'em tomorrow.

Maybe we should have
a schedule or something,

because that's the way
it used to be.

That seems fair enough, Ben.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll go
to work for ten hours,

come home, make dinner,
and do the dishes...

Oh, dad, let's face it,
what do you...

Do you want me to wake you up
when I come home from work?

I gotta get going...
Let's make up, please.

I don't wanna go to
work in this mood.

Can't we please argue for,
like, another two minutes?

Ben, Ben, at 9:00, I'm gonna
be sitting face to face.

With an adult
who thinks that his feet.

Are not yet finished, okay?

His feet aren't finished?

That's what he thinks.

He says his feet
are not finished.

That's his big fear.

I don't know, either.

All I know is I
gotta get out of this mood.

I gotta start thinking
about him and my work.

And give me
a hug and let's, let's...

Let's be pals, okay?

Who loves you?
I...

Who loves you?
Um...

Who loves you?

I do, you big lug.

Oh, is that... okay.

It's not a trick question.

Laura, I need a copy of the
updated schedule in my office,

and why don't
you hang onto a copy?

What?

I said I need a...
What?

Copy of the updated...

Wait, hold on... what?

The updated schedule...

Listen, can I call you back?

'Cause I'm on the phone.

I... yeah, I guess so.

Um, should I just sit down?

Um, is there
something I could read,

or just something I could
look at or read?

Is there anything from,
you know, that I could read?

Here, take this.

Thanks.

Um... this is
a patient's file.

Mm-hm.

It's good, it's good.

Yeah, it's not a bad one.

I don't know if I should be...

That's okay,
I do it all the time.

Oh.

I don't know if they've
stopped growing yet.

And how will you know when
your feet are finished?

When I don't have
to wear sandals anymore.

You understand, bill...
But I'm not a podiatrist.

Um...

It sounds like podiatrist.

Tell me about your wife.

Oh, she's a nurse.
Mm-hm.

And she's from Canada,

and that's about
all I know about her.

I should have asked.

Is it a recurring dream?

Yes.

Do you... fantasize about
your mother?

Did she tell you that?

Bill, can we talk about
your early sexual experiences?

Anything that comes
to mind is okay.

I remember the first
time I had sex.

Mm-hm.

'Cause I kept the receipt.

That's very sweet.

So you never...

You weren't part of a group
of friends at college?

College was tough.

I used to wear an earring
when I was in college.

You know, not
a pierced one... a clip-on.

One of my mother's big
Pearl ones.

Yeah, you would accessorize.

Yeah.

Well, which came first, bill?

The earring or the loneliness?

I mean, do you think that
kept people at a distance?

Well, I was always shy
around women, you know,

in high school and college.

I mean, today, you know,
they call that stalking,

but I was shy.

Hm.

And so is that
why you stopped smoking?

Yeah.

Well, I think I didn't wanna...

You know, my father
smoked a lot,

and he's been smoking for years.

He tried to quit... you know,
he tried everything.

He tried hypnosis,
and it really didn't take,

and then he tried that thing
with all the needles.

What do they call that?

Heroin?

He loves it.

He loves it, we can't
get it away from him now.

Well, do you still enjoy.

Spending time with your father?

As long as I'm
not driving him anywhere.

Why is that?

I flunked my driving test twice.

You know, the first
time I flunked...

Once you hit someone, test over.

The second time I flunked,
it was an oral question.

The guy said, "what do
you do at a red light?"

I don't know.

Listen to the radio,
look around.

Can I help you?

I'm dom irrera.

I'm here to
see Dr. katz, please.

Don.

No, dom.

Yeah, don.

Dom, not don.

Not tom, not Dan,
it's dom, okay?

Listen, I'm so sick of this.

Every time I call somebody,

it's like, "hi, can you tell
them dom irrera's calling?"

"Dar ferrera?"

"No, dom irrera!"

"Dan and Mary?"

"Dom irrera!"

"Donna Maria abrogetti?"
"No, dom irrera!"

First time?

Yeah, and believe me,

I'm not the one that
needs the therapy.

It's my girlfriend.

Yeah, you'll need
to fill this out...

Drive me crazy...
Thank you.

I'm just doing this
as a show of faith.

I mean, you know what I mean?

'Cause, between you and me,
she is deeply troubled.

I mean, she is, like, sick.

Sick-o, wack-o.

I think this kind of stuff.

Maybe you should save
for the doctor.

You got anything to read?

I'm all set, thanks.

No, I mean for me.

Do you have anything
for me to read?

No.

What are you reading?

You wouldn't be interested.

How long you been working here?

I've been working here for
about, um, four months.

I guess you meet
a lot of wackos, huh?

Um...

Do you think my busts are
too big for a man's?

Does my face look bulbous?

Let me ask you
something, bill...

Whenever you
come here, you always...

You know, you've been
to the dentist,

you're on your
way to the dentist.

That seems to be such a...

I like it.

Well, why is it that you
require so much dental work?

My teeth are crooked.

You know, I was supposed
to get braces.

When I was a little kid,

but my parents didn't
have enough money.

Left over from their trip.

Hm.

What kind of work did
you have done today?

I had my teeth cleaned...
The dental hygienist?

Well, that's part of her job,

and she's digging and
scraping and gouging.

My gums started bleeding.

And she actually said this.

She said: "Do you have
a problem with your gums?"

They're bleeding."

"Well, they weren't bleeding
when I came in here.

I think
you're doing that."

And she wouldn't own up
to any responsibility.

At all for the bleeding?

None.

None.

How'd you like Hawaii, bill?

Hawaii was not what I thought
it would be like at all.

You know, I mean,
I thought everybody.

Would be wearing grass skirts.

And eating macadamia nuts.

And wearing those coconut halves.

On their breasts, you know,

but, boy, I was the only one.

Did you have a problem
with bed wetting.

When you were a kid?

No, not as a kid.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, dad, um...

What's up?

I got about
a minute here before...

You're not gonna believe this,
but I think I got a job.

Hey, that's terrific, Ben!

In what field?

It's, um, animal husbandry.

You familiar...

Hey, that's great,
that is great.

I don't know much about it,
but when do you start?

Um, actually,
probably within two weeks.

Well, that's terrific...
Right here in the city?

Yeah, it's actually
working at home.

Working at home
in animal husbandry?

I don't follow you.

Well, I'm gonna order a pig.

A pet pig.

Two pigs, two or
three pigs, dad.

Yeah, I don't think...

I think this is something
we need to discuss.

In person at home.

Well, it's gonna be great.

It's a vietnamese
pot-bellied pig,

and you order it by mail.

It comes from the Philippines,

which is strange,
'cause it's vietnamese.

Uh-huh.
And they send it...

I still don't get how
you make money on this.

Well, I can breed them,
and then sell the babies.

So you're gonna get a male
pig and a female pig?

I don't know, I didn't specify.

I guess I'd have to
have a male and a female.

I guess you would.

But that's good, because
the pigs are good...

Well, hold on one second.

Laura, can you tell dom I'm
running a little bit late?

Just a couple of minutes.

Ben?

Dad, dad, this is a good deal.

I mean, when you...

I mean, I read the
pamphlet about the pigs,

and it says, "work at home,
make money."

These are good things.

That's why...

And how much would it cost you.

To get a pair of these pigs?

Well, they're listed as
$2999... 99, per pig.

Round that off for me, Ben.

Just say the figure,
what is that?

Two thousand.

Up.
Oh, round it up?

Up and off.

Yeah, that would be $3,000.

$3,000 for a pig?

Per pig, but you
can order in bulk,

and if you get ten pigs,

they take it down
ten percent for you.

You feeling old today, dom?

What do you think
that's all about?

My cousin Johnny says to me,
like I never notice...

Like, it's not painful enough,

"dom, did you lose some
hair on top?"

No, I went to
the barber the other day.

I said, "do me a favor... will
you cut my head in a big v?"

And while you're at it,
give me a little bit.

Of that friar tuck
look on the top,

"because the babes go crazy
over that medieval monk look."

You know what I mean, doc?

Is it me?

Does it scare you,
the idea of aging?

I don't mind getting older.

I just hope I don't panic
and do something stupid.

What do you mean?

I don't know... you ever see
somebody with a toupee.

So unbelievably bad
you wanna go up to them...

"Hey, you, come here,
gimme that.

"Gimme that thing.

"Who do you think
you're fooling, pal?

"Who do you
think you're fooling?

"You could have had the decency.

"To close the eyes
on the little animal.

"Who gave up his
furry little life for you,

mat-head, with this pelt,
look at that face."

Maybe that's the idea, huh?

You get a toupee
that's so bad, nobody cares.

You get one with a chinstrap.

And a big label
turned up in the back.

Tell me about your
early childhood.

Whatever comes into your mind.

Whatever you remember.

I went to catholic grade school.

The one thing that nuns
hated being called.

More than anything else, doc?

"My man."

They hated that.

I used to constantly refer
to them as "sister my man,".

"My main man, sister."

"Sister-man,
my main Michael Vincent,

my man, sister,
my man!"

I would get in a lot
of trouble with that.

You, hey!

Yes?

Hi, you must be the...

Laura.

Laura, right, wow, great.

So... Laura.

What?

I'm Ben.

What can I do for you, Ben?

Ben katz.

You know,
I'm Dr. katz's son, Ben.

Really?

Huh, I'm sorry I didn't
realize that he had...

I'm sure he's mentioned me.

He must have...

Actually, I don't think so.

Little Benny?
Mmm... no.

Benny-Benny?
No.

Los benitos?

No, he never mentioned anything.

Hm, um, so...

What?

You're my father's receptionist.

Mm-hm.

In a way, we're sort
of related, you and I,

like siblings or something,

because we both work for my dad.

I mean, you're his receptionist,

and I'm his son.

So, you know...
Yeah.

Fantastic.
Mm-hm.

Super.

Could you go now?

Oh, lord.

Do you wanna go out and get
a cup of coffee or something?

Oh, wow, yeah, I'd love to.

Oh, that'd be great.

Oh, great.

Yeah, um, okay...

So if anyone calls,
you just pick up the phone.

And you just say, "Dr. katz's
office, please hold."

Press that button right there.

Well, I was actually...

I won't be long.

What I meant was that I would
treat you to a cup of coffee.

Okay, but could you just
reimburse me when I get back?

Um... right, okay.

Did your parents get along?

My father, god bless him,
never cheated on my mother.

Used to cheat on me.

Used to pick up
other kids after school.

Take them to the zoo,
take them to play ball.

One day he came to me.

He said, "look,
I gotta level with you..."

I met another kid, and for
the first time in my life,

"I feel like a real father."

My mother stood right by me.

She said, "you're my son,
you'll always be my son."

You stay here as
long as you have a job."

This was the treatment
I got as a child.

Doc, you could give a little.

I hurt inside.

It's very, very hard,
it's very hard.

I'm sorry, I promised myself
I wasn't gonna cry today.

I am so sorry.

That's it,
just let it out, please.

Sometimes when
I get like this...

I don't mean to
be rude or anything...

I just wanna lie you flat
down on the ground.

And just flop down on top of you.

Like a big pancake
and just talk.

What if we just did
some breathing exercises?

What about you, doc?
What about your needs?

Do you jazz dance?

I do tap and I do modern,
but I don't do jazz.

Oh, I just do a lot of
interpretive and jazz,

and I was just wondering.

I mean, I know this
is off the subject,

but I look at you, and
you're so rhythmic looking.

That shiny head of yours,
and the...

I don't think that...

Is this a hernia, doc?
Can you feel this?

Is this a hernia, a rupture,
or just a general protrusion?

No, that's,
that's your penis, dom.

Does it sound like I got,
like, a rattle in my chest?

Listen.

You hear, like, a wheeze, or...

You hear that?

No, I don't hear anything.

Is that bad for you, doc?

No, I think you can talk
yourself into thinking.

You have all kinds
of physical ailments...

Could you die from that, though?

Could you die from
the thought of the talk?

No.

Doc, do you ever get so hungry,

you ever just wanna punch
somebody in the face?

Um...

So Mr. irrera,
how was your session?

I'm better...
I feel great, thanks.

That's wonderful.
Wow.

How are you going to pay?

He's good.

Uh, pay?

I'll pay probably cash, I guess.

Okay, cash is good.

I mean, I got cash,
I got loads of cash.

How much is it?

Yep, that's $150.

Ouch,
could I owe-ski?

Uh... no.

I'm not asking you
to be a phony.

But some of the people I see.

Don't really like
themselves very much,

so we don't wanna reinforce
those feelings.

Who's we?

I mean...

Look, all I say is,
"have a seat.

He'll be with
you in a minute."

If that fills them with
some kind of self loathing,

then they need help.

Well, couldn't you
make a little effort?

I don't think you understand.

Do you have
any idea what it's like.

To deal with crazy
people all day?

No.

Okay.

I guess I didn't really see it
from your vantage point.

Okay.

What do you know about the
vietnamese pot bellied pigs?

What don't I know?

Hm.

No, "pot-bellied pigs"?

That supposedly is the pig of...
The pig du jour.

Um, do they
have pigs in Vietnam?

They do, and they have two
less than they used to,

because they're gonna be
in my apartment any day now.

You know, I would bet the farm
that those vietnamese pigs.

Are, like, the tiny ones,
the miniatures.

'Cause it's a small country.

I don't know.

Ben's convinced we can
get milk from them.

Jeez, that is disgusting.

You guys need another round?

Yeah, can I get
a mudslide on the beach?

Okay.

That's not a drink?

Maybe...
Maybe it's a drink.

On the rocks?
Oh, come on.

All right, I'll have just
a zinfandel, on the beach.

Stanley, you are just so weird.

♪ hey, diddle-deedle-daddle.

I don't know,
I'm just thinking of...

What are they called,
diversifying?

Diversified funds?

Yeah, diversified is good,
but you wanna vary it.

I would say stock
driven mutual funds,

with an apr of perhaps 6% to 8%.

Should I be writing this down?

No.
Okay.

I would say you need
a diversified portfolio,

and you need to do
stock averaging.

And stock cost productions
averaging percentages.

You know, it's
like you're talking.

Another language to me.

It makes so little sense to me.

I know so little about money.

Uh, no... I think definitely
you need to diversify,

you need some mutual funds,

maybe a cd, maybe
just a regular lp.

I just...
I just feel like I'm...

Like I'm treading water.

I mean, I'm making good money.

I'm billing good money, but
I don't know where it goes.

You need to pool... get
everything in the pool,

uh-huh.

And then diversify.

Well, let me write that down,

'cause I'm not gonna
remember this tomorrow.

Pool and diversify.

Pool and diversify,
and within a year,

you could have, like, over
$100, pure profit, nothing.

All right, maybe you should
call a financial planner.

So you're just
jerking me around?

You don't really know what
you're talking about?

My heart is in it.

Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.

To boit, to boit, to boit.

One smart fellow, he felt smart.

You know that one?

One fart smellow.

That's right.

Ah.

Well, you walked into that one.

You know what I'd like
to do right now?

No, Dominic, I don't.

I'd just like to
lay down on top of you.

I'd like to put you flat
down on the floor.

And just lie down
on top of you, doc.

Flat, level, two guys,
flat, face to face,

and then I'd like to put.

A big red flowing chiffon
evening gown on you.

And ride you around my house.

Not in a gay way...
Like a viking.

Like only two vikings
who are so secure.

In their norse heritage.

That they can ride each
other up and down the steps.

And not have one tinge
of h*m* panic.

Do you see it?

You know, like,
with me holding the horns.

On your metal helmet.

Um...

♪
that don't make me gay
or nothing, right?

Oops... you know
what the music means.

Our time is up.

This has been a presentation
from comedy central.

Hey!
Hey!