02x10 - Office Management

[bunniefuu]

Ben, when was the last time...

When was the last time you
washed those things, Ben?

Washed what, dad?

Your bottoms,
they look all stained.

Why don't you leave those in the
hamper so Grace can wash those?

Because they're really
disgusting.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the stains
all over your bottoms.

Yeah, well, I mean,
I do wash them.

They're just indelible stains.

You know, they're...

I don't wanna know.

I mean, it's not like it's,
you know, bad stains.

It's food and drinks.

I don't think you should take
snacks to bed anymore at night.

You want me to take off the...

What?

You want me to pull these off?

I certainly do not.

I don't think you wanna see.

Nope, I don't.

All right, look,
whatever you want, dad.

But here's my point:

You bring a snack to bed,
you go to bed at 10:00.

Two hours later, you're
up for your midnight snack.

All right, I'm taking 'em off.

I'll get it, dad, hello?

Oh, hi.

Hi, who's this?

It's Laura.

Laura, hey.

What are you doing up?

I try to get up early now and
have a cup of herbal tea,

'cause I'm trying
to wean off the coffee,

'cause if I have a cup of
coffee, you know,

it keeps me up
for two or three hours,

and then I can't take a nap
until, like, after noon.

Uh, can you just tell your dad

that I'm not gonna be
into work today?

Oh, really, what's the problem?

Ben, does she wanna talk to me?

It's for me, dad.

Okay, I'm sorry.

All right.

Just drink your herbal tea.

I can't drink this crap, this
tastes like yak piss to me.

I'm sorry.

Laura, listen, if you're not
gonna be at work today,

maybe we could
spend the day together.

I'd see a matinee.

What do you mean she's
not gonna be at work?

Did you just say she's
not gonna be at work today?

Laura's not gonna be
at work today.

Today is a workday.

Well, I'm working
it through here.

Well, can I talk to her, please?

Not yet.

Why isn't she coming to work?

How come you're not coming
to work, Laura?

Just... I have
a few errands to do.

I have to get my watch fixed.

Women's problems, dad.

And holiday shopping.

Are you sick?

I have to get my watch fixed.

Yeah, but are you sick, too?

No.

Really?

Really.

Then how come
you can't come to work?

'Cause I have to
get my watch fixed!

How long does that take?

All day.

Oh, you're fixing it yourself?

Just give me
the phone, Ben... Laura?

I don't suppose,
Ben, you'd wanna come in.

And lend a hand, pitch in.

Today?

Just come in and help out with
the phones, billing, and...

Couldn't you
juggle those things?

Like do a session and then
file stuff afterwards.

I could, but the fact
that you're gonna be.

Watching
The Home Shopping Network...

Not just that.

You know, that's not
even the issue.

I can do fine without your help.

You know what
would be nice, though?

Is if just once you would say,

"Hey, dad, can I
help out in some way?

Can I lend a hand?"

Fine.

Just to make just
the gesture itself,

even if you don't mean it.

You just want me to say it,
is that right?

Hey, dad, would
you like me to help out?

Yes, I would.

Not today.

Okay, I had to give it a sh*t.

Well, what does
the job entail, exactly?

Well, you know, just Manning
the phones, what Laura does,

and helping with the scheduling.

There's insurance paperwork
to be done.

Maybe it's not such a good idea.

What, why?

Well, truth is
it'll take more time.

For me to show you how
to do this stuff.

Than to actually do it myself.

Well, you know, it doesn't
sound that difficult.

Well, I think... you know,
it doesn't sound difficult,

but I think there's quite
a bit of inside information.

You have to be familiar with
the terminology and the...

Well, I could pick it up.

And the system.

But for me to teach that to you.

Would be very time-consuming,
that's all.

You're saying I can't do it?

I'm saying that today is
not a good day to do it.

What am I, not qualified?

No, you're overqualified.

If anything,
you're overqualified.

Really?

It would be a step backwards.

For me to sit down with you
and show you the books.

Is there a benefits package?

Ben, I appreciate it.

Well, we could work it
on a trial basis.

I could come in
for a couple of hours.

I'm gonna have to let
you go, Ben, I'm sorry.

Hello, doctor.

Ray, nice to see you.

All righty,
nice to be back here.

Haven't seen you, you
missed a few sessions.

Have you been out of town?

I've been on the road a lot.

Yeah, and how has that...

I was in Vegas.

Oh, wow.

You been there?

Sure, sure.

There's a town, huh?

Crazy.

Yup.

It is.

Drive-through wedding chapels,
did you see that?

I've seen that, yes.

How about legalized
prostitution?

Heh?

So I hear, over there.

Yeah, it's all over the place.

And it was hot, when were
you there... in the summer?

Yes, very, very...



I'd rather be in Vegas 114°
than New York 90°.

You know why?
Legalized prostitution.

In any weather, that takes
the edge off.

It's a joke, of course.

You know I'm
a happily married man.

I'm sure... I knew you
were kidding.

My twins are two years old now.

How are they doing, the kids?

That's another reason
I'm under so much stress.

You know what that's like?

There's two
two-year-olds in my house.

I'm sure that's difficult.

You've been through
a two-year-old, right?

One two-year-old, yeah.

Yeah, even people
who haven't been...

They know what
two-year-olds are like.

They've seen 'em, they've
read about 'em.

Terrible twos.

Maybe they've seen
documentary footage.

Sometimes PBS. will show.

The two-year-old
in the wild, out there,

where they belong.

Who domesticated them?

If you know what a single
two-year-old can do in a house,

just picture another one right
there, right behind him.

You know, just egging him on.

"Come on, jump, you can
jump from there.

Yes, that's jumpable!

Come on, what are you afraid of?

I did it when I was one.

Hurry up.

We gotta go see how far we can
stick our arm in the toilet.

I got the
whole day planned."

So they like to get
each other in trouble?

Is that the idea?

Uh-huh!

Dad, you know, I hope you're
a little more supportive

of Laura than you are of me.

What are you saying?

I'm saying our employer-
employee relationship.

Is not doing
well right now, dad.

Ben, you're not an employee.

Well, I had the opportunity,
and you nixed it.

And I just hope
you're not this curt

and short and curt with Laura.

I'm quite...

You know, and it seems to me...

I think if anything I'm overly
accommodating with Laura.

You sit down
and you listen, dad,

'cause it seems to me that Laura
sounds unhappy at the office.

She wouldn't be calling in.

And saying she can't come
to work for no good reason.

Maybe you think I...

Well, I think things sound
a little tense at the office.

And you have one...

No, I think if anything that
she's the source of the tension.

You know, it's not
right to project.

I create a fairly
professional environment,

a comfortable environment
to work in.

I pay well,
I treat her with respect.

Well, to be honest, it's the
responsibility of the employer.

To create a good working
atmosphere, and...

Isn't that just
what I said that I do?

I don't know, I didn't listen.

That's the problem then.

I'm just saying because
you only have one employee,

and she's potentially
very unhappy.

You know, most companies have
thousands of employees, and...

So you're saying 100% of
my employees are unhappy?

Yeah, and that's
a bad percentage.

It's a good percentage
if it was a good thing.

Then it works...
It cuts both ways.

I'm having a difficult
time understanding.

I hate these women
who are so thin

and then they still
wanna lose more weight.

I hate that.

Yeah, they have a problem.

There are, like, really
teeny women, you know,

the kind of women that, like,

can't get those supermarket
doors to automatically open.

They use, like, chapstick
for deodorant.

You have a similar problem
with the aerobics people.

I can't stand it, you know.

These women and these tapes.

They're like, "Okay,
lie on your back,

throw your legs over
your head, now run in place."

So you were married once,
is that right?

Yes.

We don't talk about it much.

We don't talk about
it a lot, no, we don't.

Obviously didn't pan out.

No, it didn't take.

Well, there were problems.

He tricked me into
getting married.

How so?

He told me I was pregnant.

What happened to the optometrist
that you were seeing?

Oh, that's the last
time I do that.

Oh, he was so annoying in bed.

The whole time he's like,

"okay, better like
this or better like this?

Better like this,
or better like this?"

I'm sure there's a certain
fear that develops.

Of being intimate again.

Well, frankly, when you
haven't had sex for a while,

you know, I'm afraid that the
next time I'm in that situation

I might forget, you know.

I'm gonna wind up
in bed and be like,

"wait a minute... you're
gonna put what where?

All right, look, if that's what
the young people are doing."

But you know what
you can do with Laura?

You know what works?

It's one of the
latest techniques.

It's called intra-office
primal screaming.

I don't think we're
zoned for that, Stanley.

Well, you could do it
just on the lunch hour,

like, just, like, two, three
minutes, real quick, like...

"Ah, ah!"

The two of you together.

You know what I'm saying?

Just little guttural sounds?

Yeah, and just real quick
bursts, like, "Ah, ah!

Yeah, blah!"

I do that in my car.

I roll up the windows and scream
at the top of my lungs.

It's good, it gets
the blood flowing.

Yeah.

But you always have
to have all the windows up.

I've learned that lesson.

Leave one window open and...

It's true.

You have been forced
to deal gracefully.

With some very
difficult situations,

and you have constantly
risen to the occasion.

Are you dying or something?

I want you to keep this
on your desk from now on.

You're making me an
administrative assistant.

I can't believe it.

That's right, Laura.

All my dreams come true.

Well, pinch yourself
and wake up.

This is happening,
this is not a dream.

I cannot believe it.

Can I pinch you?

If you want a lawsuit.

How is this different
from receptionist?

Well, I won't be
able to pay you as much,

but there will be additional
responsibilities.

That is funny.

Yeah, I love to
kid around about titles.

She's crazy, my daughter.

How old is she now?

Right now she's four.

That's a good age.

That's the privilege of being
four... you can be crazy.

You don't gotta
come for therapy at four.

The other day she came in...

There were people
over at our house...

And she came in and named
her toes for everyone.

She had a name for every toe.

"Oh, that's Julie,
that's Nancy, that's Karen."

Oh, everybody thought that
was adorable, yeah.

But if grandpa does it,
it's a tragedy all of a sudden.

Nobody wants that.

Nobody wants
grandpa coming in...

"Hey, hey, that's fat Tony
and that's Jimmy the weasel.

Been pissing me off."

One of my
two-year-olds...

This one I wanna ask you...
If this is normal.

"Normal" is not a word
I like to use, Ray.

He was in the bathtub,
and I guess the water.

Must have stimulated him.

You know what I'm
getting at here?

Yeah, that's normal.

He's only two, that's weird.

Perfectly natural to be
stimulated by warm water.

Okay, and that's a big day
for a two-year-old,

when he realizes that
part of his body gets larger.

He came running out
of the bathtub...

"Pee-pee big,
pee-pee big!"

Which, you know,
once again... cute.

Grandpa does that... not so
cute anymore, right?

There's your double standard.

Why can't grandpa get excited?

I'm sure he's just as
surprised as a two-year-old.

I think that's an important
point that you're making, Laura,

is that we shouldn't say
no to each other.

We shouldn't negate an idea,

and what I did
was an example of that.

Can I have a raise?

I'll tell you why that doesn't
work for me right now.

Because if we...

All right, all right, all right.

All right!

Dr. Katz, your
receptionist, Laura,

has a major attitude, and
she starts in with me.

I don't start in with her, okay?

I'm not saying that you do.

I'm saying that...

I asked her the simplest
question.

I said, "Do you have
a more recent People?"

I think that's a
very legitimate question.

You have really old Peoples
in there, Dr. Katz,

if you don't mind my saying.

You have Chris Evert and
John Lloyd on the cover, okay?

Happy newlyweds.

These are old, old issues.

Well, let's not bring
them up then.

What was the magazine?

You were talking about
some magazine last week.

Was it Playgirl?

Playgirl magazine.

I don't understand
how they stay in business,

because I've never met one woman.

That has ever
bought this magazine,

and I'll tell you why it's not
necessary, Dr. Katz, okay?

Because to see
a naked guy is very easy.

All you gotta do is ask him.

It's pretty much,
"Excuse me, sir,

would you mind
getting naked?"

"Hey, sure... no problem."

And you got your naked guy.

You're looking at the clock,
aren't you?

No, I'm not.

Are you sure?

'Cause I always notice
when you look to the right.

I think you're looking
at the clock.

I haven't looked at
the clock in five minutes.

Really?

Really.

Am I one of your
favorite patients?

No, I try not to play
favorites, Carol.

And I'll tell you why.

Because it produces
this incredible rivalry.

Between my patients.

Backstabbing and, you know,
out-dressing each other.

Hey, don't you think...

Doesn't that sound
like fun to you, a party?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I'm talking
about music and refreshments,

a sing-along, you know,
the whole company.

All both of us.

It's a staff party.

Me, my administrative
assistant, and me.

And my big feet.

Las Vegas, Ray,
is not really a city.

It's more of a celebration
of everything evil.

They just take your
money so quick there.

You know, there's slot machines
in the supermarket.

Did you know that?
It's pathetic.

There's people there
with their shopping list.

"Oh, we don't need eggs!"

It's not right.

And it's weird how tacky it is.

I get a kick out of these
cigarette girls.

That walk around
the casino floor.

With those cigarette trays,
those trays they have,

and these little novelty
things they're selling.

Like yo-yos,
lighted yo-yos for sale.

'Cause you never know when
a high roller's gonna snap...

"Hey, can a guy get a f...
Yo-yo around here, huh?"

"What's a guy
gotta do to get a yo-yo?"

Please, calm down.

"I'm not gonna shut up,
vinny, all right?

I just dropped $20,000.

I'd like to walk the dog
if that's possible."

Ray?

I didn't even stay in Vegas.

I stayed in one of these little
cheap hotels on the outskirts.

That's your best bet, you know.

Did you go to The Mirage.

When you were there
and see the tigers?

Sure, beautiful, beautiful.

And the volcano.

You know, your best bet is
to go to the little ones,

the little mom-and-pop
casinos off to the side.

Oh, really?

'Cause they're cute.

They don't have much,
but they're quaint.

They try to
compete with The Mirage.

You know, they've got white
hamsters in the lobby.

That's not much.

They don't have a volcano.

The owner will backfire his
truck in the parking lot.

"All right, there,
there's an animal,

there's a noise...
Now lose some money."

It's a different thing.

They don't have the same
games as the big casinos.

They didn't have keno
at the place I was staying.

They had something like it.

The waitress would
come up to me and say,

"I'm thinking of a number
between one and ten."

Hey, you know what, Ben?

The more I think about it...

Yeah?

There's no problem.

The more I think about it,
the less of a problem there is.

You know, we have one
little run-in.

That doesn't mean that things.

Aren't being well-run
and well-managed.

Sure, sure.

Get it off your chest, dad.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm saying that I run
a tight ship there.

Yeah, I'm sure you do.

And all hands aboard are happy.

You're a very powerful man, dad.

You got a...

I'm not talking about power.

I'm talking about
my management skills.

Oh yeah, I bet those are great.

You got a great company
over there.

Well, I honed my skills there.

Yeah, do your job, dad.

Good night, Ben, and
I don't have a problem.

Good night.

Don't bother me.

All right, good night, now.

All right, love you.

Love you, too.

Hey, Laura...
You're just in time.

Help me out on his one.

♫ Dashing through the snow ♫

♫ in a one-horse
open sleigh ♫

Can you help me out?

Can you help me out on this one?

♫ Dashing through the snow
in a... ♫

I'd rather not.

Okay, we can come back to that.

Let me put my guitar down.

And we'll just have
a little something to eat,

and we'll catch up.

Okay.

'Cause you know what?

We see each other every day,

but you know what we don't do?

What?

We don't talk to each other.

You know how much
I know about your life

outside of this office?

Nothing.

I don't even know
if you're into sports,

what kind of music you like.

If you collect something.

You know what, though?

Yeah?

Um... I have to go.

I thought first we could just
get acquainted a little bit.

Do you want...
I got some...

Do you like diet soda?

Or regular soda
with the pretzels?

Yeah, I have to go.

Yeah?

Okay, well, then we can, uh...

We can do this another time.

It doesn't have to
be tonight, the holiday.

Um... okay.

You know, it's just
arbitrary, really.

But if you wanna come back,

I think Ben's gonna be
stopping by.

Oh.

And he should
be here any minute.

I have to go.

Okay, can I ask you
one thing, first?

Will you help
me out on this tune?

♫ jingle bells jingle bells ♫
♫ jingle... ♫

How about this?

I gotta go.

Okay, but first let's try this.

But if Ben
shows up after I leave,

just tell him that I left.

If you wanna hook up later
somewhere at another party,

I'm really...
I'm scot-free tonight.

Dr. Katz?

Yeah?

You're coming so close to
tugging on my heartstrings.

I'm sorry, I'll back up.

I gotta go.

Okay.

Dr. Katz?

Yeah?

Thanks.

Well, thank you.

Did I give you a raise?

I forget.

I'll tell you
one thing about her.

Uh-huh.

You really have to, uh...

Oh yeah, I know
what you're saying.

You know what I mean,
it's not so easy.

Yeah.

I mean, she's fun, but she's not
really that effusive, like us.

So, yeah, this is
pretty good right here.

You... it was only
you and Laura.

Me... I was standing over here,
and Laura was over there.

You didn't invite
anybody else to the party?

I invited a couple of people,
but I gave 'em such short notice.

They had their own plans,
you know.

'Cause there's
a million office parties.

Going on all over the city.

Hey, you want some eggnog?

No, I'm gonna pass, actually.

Look around,
how does this place look?

It's good.

You put up a couple things, huh?

Yeah.

I wanted to change
the mood in here.

Yeah, it's nice.

Glum is a step up
from morose, right?

Hey, would you help me
out with a little...

Remember we used
to do this as a round?

♫ dashing through the snow ♫

That's not a round, dad.

♫ in a one-horse...

We never did this as a round.

I think we did.

We didn't, we never did this.

But try it.

I don't think we ever sang this.

So I'll start it.

♫ Dashing through the... ♫

♫ dashing through the... ♫

♫ in a one-horse open... ♫

♫ in a one-horse open... ♫

♫ all the... ♫

♫ laughing all the... ♫

♫ dashing through the snow ♫

Now you.

♫ dashing through the snow ♫

now me.

♫ dashing through the snow ♫

now me.

♫ dashing through the snow ♫

Now me.

I said me.

Now us.

♫ in a one-horse... ♫