02x17 - Theory of Intelligence

[bunniefuu]

Dr. Katz?

Yeah?

Um, it's probably a mix-up,

but you got a message
inviting you

to speak at an adult
education class next week.

Really?
Yeah.

They asked you
to send a recent article

so that the class could
familiarize themselves

with your work.

Huh, that sounds...

I mean, there has to be

dozens of Dr. Katzes
in the phone book,

so the odds are pretty...

No, I don't think
it's a mix-up, Laura.

I think that somebody is...

Out there is
familiar with my work

and is interested in
hearing what I have to say.

I'm not surprised.
In fact, I'm pleased.

Well, I didn't realize
that you had theories.

Well, of course I have theories.

Well, what kind of theories?

Well, you know, over the years,

I've put forth
many different theories

on a vast range of subjects.

But, you know, to describe

to a layperson,
such as yourself.

What about
the "recent article" part

of the invitation?

Well, see recent in this field

really
means post-Freud,

and for your information,
young lady,

my work has been published
all over the world

in seven different languages.

Well, would you like
to fax them an article?

Well, unfortunately,
English is not one of them.

Oh.

But you must be very, very happy

about this development.

We're... you know,
we're very excited.

'Cause we had tried
for almost three years

before my wife
finally got pregnant.

And I'll tell you,

those were the best
three years of my life.

It was funny,
when she was first pregnant,

I didn't realize. I mean,
she wasn't feeling well,

and I didn't think
anything of it,

and then she started
throwing up every morning

and putting on weight.

And then it occurred to me,

she's got a drinking problem.

Hmm!

We had that ultrasound done,

so we knew we were going
to have a little boy...

Um, or a little girl
with a penis.

Hmm.

But we're very excited,

especially... a year ago,
my wife and I,

we were told that we were
unable to have children...

By our landlord.

It turns out
he was completely mistaken.

But this kid is...
He's up all night.

He's either got a bottle
in his mouth,

or he's throwing up.

It's like living

with a nine-pound
college student.

We are kind of worried

about how we're going to pay
for his college tuition.

We're kind of hoping
he becomes a plumber.

Yeah.

We've been trying
to encourage him.

We've been pulling
his diapers down low,

so he gets used to having

his little butt cr*ck showing.

Uh-huh.

About a week before he was born,

we went to buy a baby carriage,

and the really
nice baby carriages.

Were $400 or $500.

So that's when we decided
to have an indoor baby.

We've been clipping his nails.

And keeping him in the house.

Yeah, well, Brian,
let's just try to relax.

And just let your mind
go back to your childhood.

You're little... there must be
some good memories there.

Well, I remember
on my seventh birthday,

my mother dropped
my birthday cake...

Mm-hmm.

And the kitchen
caught on fire...

Yeah.

And she had put those
trick candles on the cake,

so the fire department

had to keep coming back
to put the fires out.

Mm-hmm.

I had a lemonade stand
for about six weeks.

Yeah.

I made no money.

I had to burn it down
and collect the insurance.

Sure.

I used to play doctor...

Yeah.

With this little girl

in my neighborhood all the time,

and one time we got caught.

But, luckily,
it was a Wednesday,

and we were just playing golf.

Mm-hmm.

We had a little dog, patches.

Yeah.

We called him Patches

'cause he was always
trying to quit smoking.

In a recent study,

using a fairly
broad cross-section...

Hey, dad? Dad?

One second, Ben.
Of the...

Yeah, dad.
Seriously, dad, can you...

Can you take it down a notch?

Can you keep it down?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ben.
I didn't realize you were...

Yeah, I'm taking notes on
the TV guide here,

so I just...
I'm trying to concentrate.

Oh, forgive me.

Yeah. I just want
the best possible scenario

for tonight's
viewing pleasure so...

Oh, please.

To me, it's like a puzzle,
dad, you know.

And I take the pieces,
I put it together,

and I see what
I'm going to watch...

Do you think this is
a good use of your time?

Well, you know,

I got a full hour and a half
before prime time starts,

so this is the time
I can prepare.

I don't think it's...

Well, go ahead.

You do what you got to do, Ben.

It's an outline, dad, you know?

Yeah.
What are you doing?

I'm actually working
on a talk I'm giving.

I'm making some notes.

I'm giving a talk next week

at the adult ed school downtown.

You're giving a...
Like a lecture, really.

You know, about a theory.

About a theory?

Well, they asked me to talk

about theoretical work
I've done, and...

Dad...

So I'm just putting
together a little...

Don't you think
at your age, dad,

that you don't have time
for theories anymore, hmm?

No, not like that...

I think it's time to start
having sure things, huh?

Are you getting paid?

I'm getting a small stipend.

Yeah.
A small stipend?

What is that?

Uh, it's like a suspender?

Oh, okay, good.

No, I don't know
what a stipend is,

but that's the expression
they used...

Really?

And I didn't want to start
haggling over a thing...

Well, maybe you
should know what it is.

To be honest,
you should hold out.

For maybe...
For a bigger stipend.

Well, where would we keep it?

This might be convenient for us.

That's true.

And that's the thing, Ben.

It's not just the fact

that I'm going
to be talking publicly,

but it's sort of
forced the issue.

I've really... I think
I have a great theory,

and I'm going to...

You have a new theory?

A new theory about
human intelligence, Ben.

- Human intelligence?
- Yes.

Jeez, that's
a whole new concept, huh?

Well, there's a lot
of that going around,

- Yeah.
- And I think...

If we can harness it,

I think you'd yank that TV guide

out of your hand, and, uh...

I think you've stumbled on
something huge, dad...

Human intelligence.

What about it?
I mean, what...

Well, here's how it works.

Human intelligence
as we know it...

And I think you know
who I'm talking about...

Really can be enhanced
immediately following

a strong emotional experience.

In other words, right after a...

If someone were
to experience anger

or profound shame or sorrow...

Uh-huh.

That their mind
would actually be

accelerated in a certain area...

Their ability to solve problems,

simple logic, mathematics.

Well, dad, you know
that sounds interesting.

And I'm sure if I
were in adult education,

I'd be thrilled to hear...

To a lecture like that.

Well, you know, you could be
in adult education.

There's nothing stopping you.

I don't mind education,
you know.

You just don't want to hang out
with a bunch of grown-ups.

That's exactly right.

Okay, Ben, look.

Yeah.

Okay.
I have three apples.

- Yeah.
- You have two apples.

I give you one apple.

Do we now have
the same number of apples?

Um...

Repeat it one more time?

See, this is why

I should have sent you
to a private school.

No, no, no, repeat...

I feel like
there were too many kids,

not enough one-on-one
instruction...

No, it's not that I can't...
I can figure it out.

It's just that...

Usually, I would have had things

memorized before I was tested.

You should be able to do
this just in your mind.

This is a logic game,
and I'm not good at...

Okay, just try to visualize

the things I'm talking about.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.
I have three apples.

You have two apples.

I give you one of my apples.

Do we have the same number
of apples now?

You have two left.

That's... that's right.

Mm-hmm.
You gave me one.

How many did I have
in the beginning?

You had two to begin with.

So how many is that?

That's three.

So how many do I have?

You have three.

Gotcha.

Now you have three...

You answered it for me.

Dad, what do you have when
you got three apples...

Yeah.
Two oranges...

Don't get obsessed.

Some sliced pineapple.

It's not just about fruit.

- Okay.
- Some cheese?

A couple pies, and
a bottle of chardonnay,

what do you have?

You have a good time, my friend.

All I'm saying is
a little human kindness.

Shown toward your patients
would go a long way.

So, I mean, it would help
because, I mean, after all,

this costs me a fortune.

Mm-hmm.

And like, you know,
you just take my money,

and I never get
anything back from you.

I feel like the last
few months, in particular,

we've made enormous progress.

I don't know...

You remember when you used
to come to the old office?

Yeah.

You'd walk in,
and you would sit down,

and you would start crying
for 45 minutes,

and then the last 10 minutes
we'd speak,

and you'd go home.

And now...

And now what?

You cry a little bit
in the beginning,

and then you talk,
and you cry some more.

You break it up.

You consider that progress?

I don't consider that progress.

Now you know what it is...

At least you know what it is

that's making you so unhappy.

Yeah? What is it?

You want me to tell you
what's making you unhappy?

What am I paying you for?

If you can't tell me
why I'm miserable,

what am I paying you for?

That's the way therapy
works, you know?

I'm not going to make
any incredible discoveries here.

You're going to do
all the discovering.

Look, let's look
at the facts, okay?

I've been coming here
how many years now?

- Six years.
- Six years.

Twice a week for six years.

That's a lot of water
under this bridge.

Mm-hmm.

And I still can't seem to have

a relationship going with a guy.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm a lesbian.
Did you ever think of that?

I don't think
you've ever presented me.

With that possibility,
that I might be a lesbian.

The reason I sort of
discounted that theory.

Is your attraction to men,
for instance

I'm not attracted to you.

You never miss the opportunity

to point that out, do you, joy?

No. I have to tell you,
I'm not attracted to you.

Now, truthfully,
I have had sex dreams

about you over
the past three years.

Mm-hmm.

They have been...

I don't know if you'd call
them sex dreams exactly,

but, I mean, they're sort of...

A dream could mean something,
it could mean nothing.

That's the other thing
about dreams.

You're never always able
to attach any significance

to these dreams.

One of them was, um, you had...

Your head again,
it was always your head.

Your bald head

is sticking out
of, like, turtle's body.

Mm-hmm.

And, um, I put you
in a big aquarium

with other turtles.

Mm-hmm.

And then one of the other
turtles bit your head off.

Why do you accuse me
of dressing provocatively?

I think that you...
You are provocative.

That you try to dress
provocatively.

You wear tight shirts...

Yeah.

Tight pants, tight
shoes, tight socks.

So it's just
the whole issue of tightness?

Tightness is
provocative to a woman.

I didn't realize that.

- Dad.
- Ben?

Hi. How are you?

Did I catch you at a bad time?

No, I'm just... actually just
making some notes here.

Oh, man. Ow.

Working on the, uh...

I just have...
I just wanted to...

What are you doing?

I just threw out my shoulder.

How'd you that, Ben?

I tied my hands behind my back,

and I fell off the bed,

you know, trying
to induce some pain.

Ben, you got to be careful.

So I...
The point is I'm trying

to get into this theory
pretty heavily now.

I don't want you
to hurt yourself.

I mean, this is...

I'm excited about it.

No, I think some...

I have come up with something
here, though,

because I think that when I
felt the first rush of pain,

I did feel smarter,
but I had no way to prove it.

So, dad, quickly,
quickly, I'll...

I'm going to poke myself.

You ask me a question,

and let's see
if that works, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

Here we go.

Ow! God!

Ben, where did you poke
yourself?

I missed the hand.

Where did you poke?

Into the wrist.

So how would you scare yourself?

Here, hold on a sec, dad.

I'll do this.

Can you stay on the line?

I'm listening.

Okay, I'm going to put
this blanket over my head.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

Okay, uh, so go ahead,
give me a scare.

Aah!

Okay.
No, you didn't get me.

It's just...
Um...

Hey, dad, you know,
I propped up a ladder?

The ladder that we have
in the basement.

Right.

You know it says, "Do not use
this side of the ladder.

Do not climb this side"?

Right, that's a warning.

I climbed it.

You're nuts, Ben.

Yeah?

I'm not one of these guys
that brags about sex.

I hate that.

My neighbor does this
to me every day.

He gives me
these detailed stories.

About him and his wife
from the night before...

Like I wasn't watching.

My brother
always brags about sex.

He always brags
the first time he had sex,

he was in the seventh grade.

I'm always like, "Yeah, but
you were 19 at the time."

I bought
some low-sodium soup,

and have you ever had
low-sodium soup?

Yeah.

It needs salt.

Mmm.

Not just a little, I had to
keep pounding salt into it.

Finally, I had to put salt there.

On the rim of the bowl.

And drink it like a Margarita.

I bought a box
of animal crackers.

Mm-hmm.

It said, "Do not eat
if seal is broken."

And I open it up,

and, sure enough,
the giraffe was fine.

Mmm.

The implication
of limbic involvement...

Mm-hmm.

Has sent many a scientist...

Mm-hmm?

Period.

No, I'm kidding.

Has sent many a scientist
down that slippery slope.

Ha, now you're kidding.

No, I'm... I mean it.

It's a metaphor
for something else.

- For what?
- I'm not sure.

The implication...

Mm-hmm?

Oh, you know, you start.

To say something enough times,

and it sounds... starts
to sound crazy to you?

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

The implication
of limbic involvement...

Mm-hmm?

Has sent many a scientist.

Mm-hmm.

Ohh!

That makes no sense
to me anymore.

I don't know
what I'm talking about.

You know what, let me get.

A cup of coffee
and a breath mint,

and we'll start from the top.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Yeah. Do you want
to write this time?

You want to read it
to me, and I'll type?

Sure.
Okay.

Okay.

Oh, yeah. What Ben said,
and this is, I guess,

different tricks work
for different people,

is that the idea
is to get up there,

and you picture everyone
in the audience naked.

Oh.

That's good,
but I've refined that.

I found that
if you picture them naked,

and that they're
about to stand up and sing.

"Impossible dream"
from Man of la mancha,

that adds
the extra urgency to it,

and you'll find that.

That really will
calm you way down.

Well, what is it in
particular that scares you?

Well, honestly, I feel like...

I feel a little fraudulent,
you know.

I don't know if what I have
to say is that interesting,

or if I can sound like
an expert on the subject.

That's the main thing is...

No, you see what you do
is you dazzle them

with some big
psychoanalytical-type words,

and then by the time
they catch on to you,

uh, poof...

You're gone.
You can do that, right?

Sure. I mean, I guess.

Yeah. All right,
come on, Katz,

give me your best sh*t.

Well, I don't know.

If I could do it
off the top of my head.

Sure, you can.
Come on, come on.

Okay. Um, this is how
I'm planning to open.

Go ahead.

The brain is divided
into two halves.

Mmm, ooh,
that's going to wow them.

Maybe you could say
"hemispheres" instead.

You know, maybe that
sounds like a little...

Okay, the brain...
That's a good idea.

The brain is divided
into two hemispheres.

Yeah.
Much better.

Yeah, I like that.

"A" and "B."

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That's the theory?

And from there,

I just launch into
the work I've done,

the theory part of the theory.

This is very exciting, really.

I think it's going to k*ll.

Ahem. First of all,
sorry about the...

My sincere apologies
for not having copies

of the article for everybody.

My copier is on the Fritz.

But I would like to, uh...

I'd like to open with a joke.

Ha ha! Yeah?

I'd like to open
with a joke now, Ben.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

Uh...

- Keep the flow.
- Okay.

But I'm going to take questions.

If anyone wants
to ask me about...

The young man
in the back there. Yes, sir.

- Right here, sir.
- Yes.

- How are you?
- I'm fine.

Ben Katz.

Uh... that's odd.

I have a son by that name.

Same.

Okay, son, what's your question?

Did you have any help
in your research?

More than help.

I had the superb
collaborative efforts

of one Benjamin Katz.

That's me.

- That's me.
- That would be you.

That's right. Okay.

But any questions for me, then?

How was that collaboration?

How did it work out?

It was a good collaboration.

But I thought...

I was wondering if
you want to ask anything

that might
enlighten the audience.

Do you think perhaps that
I would have a career

in something like this?

I think maybe you could.

Any questions for me though?

Young lady in the back.

No question?

Okay, I just want to
acknowledge you in some way.

Tell the story when
I poked my hand, and you...

Oh, yeah. Can
I come back to that?

Okay.
I'll sit down.

So go ahead, dad.

That's okay.
They're leaving, Ben.

You know, a lot of people

would consider this good news,

getting cast in a play.

I don't know why you're so...

Well, I'm nervous about it.

Because I have to, like,
memorize a lot of lines,

and I only have a week to do it.

Yeah.

And I feel like

my memory is
not what it used to be

when I was younger.

I still think this is

the wrong place
to run lines, you know.

I can't...
But you're the only person.

That will sit with me this long.

You know, it's just...

I have all this training,

and you're paying
this money, you know.

It's just...

It doesn't seem
like the right thing to do.

Well, I don't know
if you realize this,

but your fee is equivalent
to an acting coach's fee.

I'll try it just this once,

but I just don't want you
to count on this.

I have to learn it,

and then I have to go
into the show.

Other actors are already,
you know, in sync.

And they're doing the play,

and I have to just walk in
in the middle of it.

And you feel like you'll be
on the spot, that they'll...

What if, like...
What if I blank out?

What if, um, I walk
the wrong way?

What if I miss a cue?

What if you do?

What is the worst thing
that'll happen?

The audience will
think I'm terrible,

and the actors will hate me.

And then your life
will still continue.

It will?
Yup.

But what about

the humiliation of the moment?

I hadn't thought of that.

Would it really hurt
your feelings tremendously.

If I told you that you have
an odor about you?

I got to tell you, joy,
that I am a human being.

I am a therapist,

and I try to maintain
some air of neutrality here,

but I am a person with feelings.

You're making me feel bad.

I was... I was
like on a roll,

and now I have to
backtrack and be nice.

The way I have to be

with my mother
and everybody else.

You don't have to put
on any airs.

Oh, god!
I hate this now!

I'm sorry, you know
what the music means.