02x19 - ESP

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Ben, what are
you watching there?

It's a special on, uh...

On paranormal experiences.

You know, how does
a baby bend a spoon,

I mean, with its mind?

Is this a riddle?

It's part of the show.

There was a baby that bent
a spoon with its own mind.

Jeez, kids today.

You know, when I was a kid,

we had to bend spoons
with our hands.

Well, if you don't mind,

I'm going to get back
to the show now

'cause, you know,
I just set aside.

Some time to watch
TV every day, dad,

and I don't need
that interrupted.

Well, maybe you do
too much of this TV stuff.

Well, not necessarily.
I limit myself.

I don't go too far with it.

You know, I stop when it's done.

Hey, Ben, you'll never guess

who I got a postcard from today.

Becky Freeman?

Wow, Ben,
Becky Freeman is right.

Did she really send one?

Yes, she moved back to the city,

and in fact...

Oh, my god, dad,
that's so bizarre.

That's, uh...

Well, I knew she was
going to move back...

No, no, no! That's
paranormal, what I did.

It's paranormal activity.

I think what you've
experienced is what they...

What scientists call
a lucky guess.

You don't believe...
You don't believe in ESP?

No.

You don't?
Nope.

Do you believe in electricity?

Yes.

Okay, that's a start.

But, you know, what I believe in.

Is how susceptible you are.

To anything you
see on television.

Dad...

Remember when, four years ago,

you thought you were
a solid gold dancer?

Do you remember that, hmm?

Right, but I wasn't one
officially.

You get sucked into the screen.

You forget where you end
and the TV begins.

No, but, I mean,
the guess, it had...

It had something else.
I felt it.

There was a power, dad.

Well, maybe... maybe
we should have her for...

Dinner!

Holy cow, now that...

Dinner. Absolutely.

Do you realize
what just happened here?

You guessed correctly.

I asked you who was coming...

No, no. First of all, dad,
how many people

are there in the world today?

Two, three million?

Actually, Ben,
it's in the billions.

Well, you asked me,
"Guess who sent me a postcard?"

And out of all
the people in the world,

I said Becky Freeman.

Ben, how many people do you
actually know in the world?

- Eight?
- Nine.

It's not like I would
be getting a postcard

from a total stranger.

You had a lucky guess.

Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad...

Dad, it's ESP. Admit it.

You know, this thing is
bigger than the both of us.

Good night, Ben.

You can't go to sleep now.

It's obvious that I've got
some powers, you know?

ESP?

Mm-hmm.

You name it, I got it.
I'm a walking guy.

With all kinds of powers,
you know.

Yeah.

Maybe I should sleep
in a coffin or something.

Because this is starting
to get a little scary.

What's going on here?

Am I levitating, dad?

Did you sleep
in your clothes last night?

These are
the same clothes you had...

Dad, think of an animal
from one to 10.

What?

I mean, just think of an animal.

Oh, you...

Have you been up all night
with this ESP crap?

Dad, please don't muck it up
with conversation.

Just think of an animal.

No, I don't want
to think of an animal,

to tell you the truth.

Okay, think of a vegetable then.

Okay.
No, seriously.

Do me a favor.
Okay.

Come here.

I need to touch your head.

Oh, boy, do I hate this.

I hate this game so much,
Ben, you know.

This is...

You need human contact.

You need to get
out of the house.

You need to get a job.

No, I need to get a sensation.

I mean, I feel your energy.

You're right here,
but I need you closer.

I need to touch...

Okay, look, if it'll get
you out of this room.

And to the breakfast table,
I will think of an animal.

Clear your head
of everything else.

Okay, I'm thinking of an animal.

Let the vision of the animal
settle in your mind.

Let it settle up near the front,

so I can see it.

Is it a camel?

No.

It's not a camel?
Is it a moose?

It's not a camel,
it's not a moose.

Is it a camel again?

Ben, this is ridiculous.

You know what?
You're up against a guy.

Who's not willing to think
of an animal is your problem.

You know, maybe
I'm not concentrating.

Maybe you're throwing me off.

Are you thinking

of several animals
at the same time, hmm?

'Cause you only
gotta think of one.

Let me...
I'm going to get you.

Some kind of sedative
or something.

'Cause you need
to get some sleep.

Okay, fine.
Is it a hamster?

'Cause a hamster's
like a small camel.

No.

Damn it.

All righty.
Hello, doctor.

Hi, Ray.

You know, my...
I have a few phobias.

That have perked up
since the last time.

Yeah.

I have a spider phobia,
you know.

Is that common?

Not unusual.

Yeah. I had a bad experience
in my car.

Right.

It was kind of like

right out of
a horror flick, you know.

I was, uh... I was
driving on the highway,

and I saw this spider
on my windshield.

And then I thought,
"Okay, you know what?

I'll turn the wipers on,
and that'll k*ll him."

So then I turn the wipers on,

and it goes right over him.

And then it dawned on me,
he's in the car!

It's just
like that horror movie.

"We've traced the spider.

He's coming
from the inside!"

That's over now, Ray.

You're safe, you know.

Ohh! I feel
a little better.

What other phobias
are you talking about?

Um, the usual.

Yeah.

The other stuff is normal.

You know, death, taxes...

Uh-huh.

Cloud cover, certain crayons,

colorforms, raisins.

Well, you ever watch two men
go to the movies together?

Yeah.

They never want to sit
right next to each other,

not if possible.

There's always that empty

"I'm a heterosexual"
empty seat right there.

Yeah.

"Here is my friend,
my heterosexual friend.

Hey! Headlock!"

Hey, Laura.

Hi.

I noticed you came
a little late again today?

Yeah.

I would, uh...
I would appreciate it.

If you could make
an effort to be here.

At 9:00 sharp.
Is that...

Mmm... that might actually
be a problem.

How so?

Um, because I usually don't
get here until after that.

Yeah.

I've told you about

my other experiences
with therapy.

This last guy I went to
would not shut up.

You know, I'd go in,
I'd sit down,

and he'd go, "Hey, Tom."

What do you want
to talk about?"

And I'd go, "I don't know.

I guess childhood."

He'd go, "Childhood?"

You want to hear
about a crappy childhood?"

And he'd just
go on and on and on.

And I was like,
"Sorry I brought it up."

Yeah, you shouldn't
have to listen to that.

But I do like my new apartment.

Um, the couple that
lives right next door

is maybe a little too friendly.

They keep asking me to do things

I really don't want
to do with them.

Yeah.

And the other day,

they invited me over
to this dinner party

that they were having,

and there was no way
of getting out of it.

So about 10 minutes
after I got to the party,

um, I pretended
to have a stroke.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. I don't know
if you've tried this,

but let me tell you,

once you commit
to something like that,

man, is that a hard one
to back out off.

I didn't know what to do,

so I just kept
lying there on the floor

just trying to work
the one side only.

When I heard them phone
in for an ambulance,

I thought, "This one has
gotten away from me."

Right.

So I didn't know what to do.

I just thought
I'd better come clean,

so I popped up, and I was like,

"I was just joking."

And they did not seem

to find the humor
in that at all.

But everything's
expensive these days.

I should know, too,

'cause, last year,
I made over $8,500.

Really?

I got nothing to show for it.

Now, where does the money go?

How much do I got to make

to be on easy street,
is the question I pose.

Hmm.

But one thing is, I try
not to be too materialistic.

Because, you know,
you can't take it with you.

Right.

Well, that's what they say,

but what if you can
take it with you?

What if I die,
I get to the pearly gates,

and Saint Peter's like,
"Hey, Tom, how's it goin'?

Hey, where's your stuff?"

Oh, man,
this is going to suck."

- Hey, Laura.
- Hi.

How are you feeling?

Pretty good.

Because I'm getting
a bad energy...

- Oh, no.
- From you.

You know, I have developed

an understanding
beyond our realm.

Hmm, so I've heard.

I have a kind of a power...

It's a sixth sense,
a second sight...

That all begins
with "s."

Hmm.

Hey, is the, uh...

Is the, uh,
the little big guy busy?

Busy? I don't think so.

You know, you're
probably wondering

what this is all about.

No.

Let me fill you in.

You see, I've got ESP,

extra sentencing
something else? The thing...

Extrasensory perception.

Perception, right, yeah.
So I've got that.

Right.

You know, I'm kind of new at it,

and, uh, I just got
my powers last night.

Wow, that's great.

I know, I've been reading
people's minds all day.

Man, I am b*at.

Can you read my mind?

Do you know how many people

have asked me that today, Laura?

Like I'm some kind
of freak, huh?

Like I'm some kind
of sideshow act, hmm?

Ben, have you even seen
any other people today?

Couple.

Who?

A guy.

You're really psychic, huh?

Well, I mean it's
undeveloped, you know,

as of yet, but I do have the...

Okay, you want to give it a try?

Yeah, but I'm going
to have to touch you.

Uh, no.

Okay, I can do it without.

Okay.
It's just not as good.

I'm happy that
I quit smoking cigarettes,

and I was rationalizing it
quite a bit.

I, uh...
I started telling people

that smoking was
just a hobby, you know.

Some people collect stamps,
I'd smoke cigarettes.

Yeah.

But then I started to realize

there were some holes
in that theory.

I don't think there's
too many stamp collectors

that wake up first thing
in the morning and go,

"Where are those damn stamps?

I got to lick one
right now."

Right.

"Just a little lick
to get me going."

But you seem like
you're in good shape.

I guess my physical health
is okay.

I think I'm turning
into a hypochondriac.

I hope so.

Otherwise,
I'm just about to die.

Hello.

- Hey, dad.
- Hi, Ben.

How are you doing?
You busy?

Uh, yeah.

You got a second?

One second...

I mean, I know you do.

Okay.

'Cause I predicted you did.

You have time.
You're at a lull now.

Look, Ben, what
do you want? Come on.

Dad, one serious moment
with you, if I could.

Yes.

Think of a number.

Okay.

Okay? You got it?

I got it.

All right, keep it to yourself.

Okay.

All right, I got to go.
No, I was just kidding.

Actually, the number
is 49, right?

Well, Ben, you're cheating.
That's my age.

I always think
of my age all day.

Well, why don't you think
of another number then?

This has really gone
too far, you know.

It was cute last night.

You got the card right.

You had a couple
of lucky guesses,

but you're getting
way ahead of yourself.

Those aren't lucky.

I mean, look, three times
is not a coincidence anymore.

Yeah.
All right?

You know, after two times
that I've been right,

it's not a guess.

Hey, you know, dad,
you may have it too.

You might have the second sight.

I mean, if I have it,
you might have it.

You think you might have
gotten it from me?

Or vice versa.

You know, a friend
of my father was a mentalist.

Oh, really?

Yeah. And he just...

You know, he did if for years,
then he quit one day.

He said to my dad,

"It's just so hard to tell
what people are thinking."

- Really?
- Yup.

So it's not a power?

It's a...
It's a gimmick.

I don't think...

I'm not saying what
you do is a gimmick...

Do you think these kind
of powers are just based

on a gimmick?
They're all fake?

Pretty much.

Look, that's fine.
I understand your point.

And all I ask is for you

to stay away from the bar today.

Because I have a bad feeling
about the bar and you.

You're wearing me down, Ben.
You really are.

Just don't go to the bar.

Okay, I won't go
to the bar today,

but what exactly
would happen to me.

If I did go to the bar?

Just to play along with you.

I don't have
a clear picture of that.

Yeah.

But something is wrong.

What are you seeing
even roughly?

What kind of images
come into your mind.

When you see me at the bar?

Bottles.
Yeah.

Um, tables.

Yup.

Well, you're waling now.
Slow down.

You're going to hurt yourself.

Oh, I'm good.

I'm so tired.

I had to go to an Italian
wedding yesterday.

Oh, man, I'm telling you,

if I have to chicken dance
ever again,

I'll k*ll somebody.

That's the worst,
the chicken dance,

or the...
Even worse than that.

Is the train you get
sucked into.

That human idiot train.

Right.

I'm always in it involuntarily.

Always, "No, I'm going
to the men's room",

I'll see you guys
in one second.

Yeah, hey,
what's up? Oh, sh**t!"

And you're stuck.
You can't get off.

That's the thing
about the train.

You can't just...
You can't just jump off.

'Cause then you're the conductor.

For whoever is attached to you.

"I'm going
to the men's room."

They'll follow you.

They'll follow you right
into the men's room.

"Hey, where are we going?

What's he doing?"

I want to stop talking
about my kids, though,

'cause people brag
about them too much.

And I...
There's nothing more...

You know, a friend of mine.

Had a kid the same time,

and it's like...
It's a battle of

whose kid is advancing
more, you know?

Yeah.

"Oh, mine rolled over
at three months."

Every time I'd see him.

I don't want to brag,
but my kid,

three months, rolls over...

Mm-hmm.

Push-ups.

Starts doing
little push-ups.

Wow.

And the one's where you
clap in the middle.

And I'm like, you know,

I don't want to rub it
in his face.

I just hope my twins adapt well,

you know what I mean?

They're only
a few minutes apart,

especially for the younger one.

Yeah.

Oh, what's that like,
having an older brother.

A few minutes older than you?

Got to be so frustrating.

I mean, I had a brother
a year older than me,

and that was hard enough,

especially
when you're a teenager,

and you're, you know,

you're trying to get
the same privileges.

Right.

"Oh, dad, can I borrow the car?

You always give it
to Matthew."

"Hey, look, young man,
when you're Matthew's age."

"Hold on, all right,
now you can have it.

Too late, he took it
three minutes ago.

You're always missing it."

Mmm.

They're exactly identical,
that's what baffles me...

That soft spot on the head?

Yeah.

You know the part.

Where the head goes in
on the newborn?

Right.
Exactly.

Exactly in the same spot.

But you always got
to check, by the way.

Always make that...

Make sure that
little spot goes in.

'Cause, correct me if I'm wrong,

if it doesn't...
If it comes out,

that means they've
been tampered with.

Somebody tried to unscrew
your baby's head.

Do you believe
in the supernatural?

I believe in that stuff.

I actually met
my first wife at a seance.

Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was a regular, and she was
a medium, and, um...

I got you, Stanley.

Julie, what do you think?

Do you believe in that stuff?

Because Ben is convinced

that he has these
supernatural powers.

Really?
Yeah.

What is it that Ben is thinking,

and what happened?

See, Ben thought something
awful would happen to me,

I would be injured in a way
that was humiliating.

Where and when?

Why? You want
to be there?

Yeah.

Was it supposed to happen
to you today?

- Yup.
- Like when?

Like now?

In fact, he told me
to stay out of the bar.

Did he say anything
about people around you?

Were they in danger
at all, or...

No.

'Cause there's another table

over there I could take.

Come on, Stanley,

I need you to be
strong for me now.

There's another table

over there I could take.

That's much better.

Ben.

Ben, I'm home.

Geez, dad, you scared
the hell out of me.

Ben, what are you doing?

I figured I'd start out

with the plastic utensils first.

A little easier on my mind.

Wait a second,

you bent all these spoons
with your mind?

Well, pretty much.

You know, I found that
if I preheat them first,

makes the job
a whole lot easier.

Ben, I am...

Ben, I can't believe
you still think

you have special powers.

I mean, here I am.

I mean, remember your prediction.

About getting injured, and...

Mm-hmm.

Well, take a good look
at your father.

Nothing happened, I'm fine.

I'll tell you, though,

you may be right, and I agree,

I could have been wrong.

Well, I'm sorry if I came
on too strong because...

No, but even in...

You know, even in the world
of the paranormal, which...

Yeah.

You know, I live in
and you don't,

there are mistakes made.

I'd love to yank you
out of that world.

Dad, I'm here for good.

Can we move...
Drop the subject?

Let's make up

and have another glass
of seltzer, huh?

What do you say?

I think that's in order.

You pour.

Oh, gee, Ben!

What are you doing here?

Look at you.

Do you look silly.

God, these are my best...

That sel...

You know, seltzer
will take out seltzer.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, if you get
a seltzer stain...

Oh, I get it, so this is
the injury you predicted.

Well, I mean,

it was something
like that, you know.

I didn't say it
was going to be serious.

Well, what got injured here?

That's what I don't get.

How about your pride?

I'm just checking.

Think about it.

Yep, you know what,
you're right.

Get back to me.

And how is it going
between you and your father?

We're getting along a lot better.

Than when I was in high school.

We didn't get along back then,

but looking back,

I guess we didn't have
a lot in common.

I knew nothing of medicine,

and he didn't smoke pot.

Yeah.

So I usually just tried
to stay away from him.

I'd go in my room and watch TV.

So in those days, it was
an awkward relationship.

Uh, we were friendly,

but we were more like
casual acquaintances,

polite strangers at best.

I'd run into him every once
in a while by accident,

you know, like,
"Oh, no, there's dad.

And, man,
am I high right now."

Mm-hmm.

"What the hell
do I say to this guy?

I don't even
know him that well.

Oh, here it goes,
he saw me."

"Hey, dad.

Hey, uh, didn't I see you
in the kitchen last week?

Yeah, I thought that was you.

I wasn't sure,
so I didn't say anything.

So you still going out
with mom?

Oh, that's beautiful.

Well, look, dad, I got
to get back to my room.

Maybe I'll see you
in the living room sometime.

Take it easy."

I usually...
What did you name them?

You didn't give him the same
letter names, did you?

Like Jimmy, Joey,

'cause that's not healthy
to do to twins.

And I'll say,
you have to separate them.

Because it's bad
enough they're twins.

We named ours Gregory
and Schmegory.

Hmm.

Which is just a coincidence.

My father's name is Schmegory,

and we've always loved
the name Gregory.

I hope I know what I'm doing,

you know, especially
with the discipline.

I saw a woman
in the store the other day.

This woman... the kid
had a candy bar,

and she told him to
put it down, and she...

I'm not making this up...

She looked down, and she said,

"Okay, I'm giving you
till the count of two."

Two, doctor, is that healthy?

How do you give a kid till two?

I think we all know three
is the minimum there.

- It's a standard.
- Sure.

How do you give a kid till two.

He has no chance at two.

He could... he wouldn't have
made it to the rack by two.

He would have to hand it off
to some kid who has three.

"Please, take it
the rest of the way.

She's a maniac."

Three is the standard,

with fractions if you needed
that extension time...

Two and a half,

two and three quarters.

When my mother said
two and three quarters,

I knew we had to do it then.

Because she didn't know any
more fractions after that.

Whoops, you know
what the music means.

Ohh.

Our time is up.