03x22 - Fructose

[bunniefuu]

I woke up this morning on
the wrong side of the bed.

Mm-hmm.

I had a fitful night's sleep

because I was thinking
about... today,

you know?
What I was gonna do.

And then that led me to think,

"Oh, what am I gonna
do tomorrow?"

You're thinking about
your life, aren't you?

No... just this week.
Just this week?

Yeah, but then I'm thinking,

"Well, I really don't have
anything to do today."

Right.

And then I started
hearing your voice

in the back of my head saying,
"Find something to do,

today or tomorrow."

I just hate to see you
pissing your life away.

You don't have to put
it like that, dad.

I just want you to
embrace life, to go...

I do embrace life, dad, I do.

You know what I live?
The contemplative life.

Do you know what I'm saying?

It means I'm a thinker.

I'm an embracer,
and I'm a thinker.

I'm not necessarily a doer.

There are too many
doers out there.

And not enough thinkers.

Ow!

Oh, God.

What did you do?

I cut my tongue.

On what?

The cereal.

How can you cut your
tongue on Frosted flakes?

I have a tendency to put too
much in my mouth at once,

and then some of
the flakes can cut.

Let me look at that.

It's not a big cut.

I'll just apply some milk.

Yeah.

Grrrreat!

So I'm gonna...

I should be back in
about ten minutes,

I'm just gonna pick up
a piece of fruit, something,

some kind of little
burst of energy.

Glad to pick you up something,

some kind of high-
in-potassium,

low-in-calorie, god's
own snack, if you'd like.

I wouldn't mind a soda.

Or a peach?

No.

Or some kind of fruit?

I mean, I'll get you
whatever you want,

it's just that I'd rather not
contribute to your soda habit.

I don't want to be your enabler,

you know what I'm saying?

Forget it... you know
what? Forget it.

I don't want anything.

A pear?

No, I don't want it.

You ever have beet juice?

You ever have just the juice
from the can of spinach?

Well, I just...

I'm really having
a rough week, I guess.

I can't seem to be a part
of anything, it seems.

I see a lot of terrorism
on TV lately, you know?

And there's hate groups and
militias and everything,

and I can't get in any
of them, it seems like.

I'm on a softball team,

but it's not
the same thing, you know?

It's not as fanatical.

We don't even want to win
at softball that bad.

I've just brought
a list of street gangs

who rejected my applications
in the last few weeks.

The Crips said
they didn't want me.

The Bloods, I don't know,

they said they're going in
a different direction.

Um, Born to k*ll...

Vietnamese New York
street g*ng...

They just didn't
answer my phone calls.

The Latin Kings said no.

The Insane Popes just...
I don't know,

I guess I'm not good enough.

Thin Lizzy said,

"We are not a g*ng,
we are a rock band,

and our leader is dead."

The Chicago Black Hawks,
again, another excuse,

they said they were
a hockey team, not a g*ng.

I got one of those books
on tape, you know?

'Cause I had to
take this long drive.

Those books on tape
are a rip-off.

They're really, really boring.

I had "Where's Waldo."

And it was just this guy going,

"Guy delivering mail."

"Guy selling hot dogs."

"Two kids with a ball."

"Waldo."

"Woman with a shopping cart."

"Dog."

Don't get them.

What do you think
about this, though, dad?

What do you think if I told you

that I had an itchin'
to drive the big rigs?

Would that bug you at all?

Are you talking about
driving a tractor-trailer?

I saw a commercial last night,

and to be honest with you,

those guys looked
happy, well-fed,

and satisfied with their lives.

Do you think you could handle

driving an 18-Wheeler
cross-country?

Well, that's why
you go to the school.

You learn how to drive
long distances on...

Yeah, but what
they don't teach you

is how to control your bladder.

But you go in the back
behind the seat in a jar.

Uh, what about something else?

For instance, logging?

Does that strike
a chord with you?

No.

That's a pun.

What about bartending college,
dad, what about that?

Well, actually, you know that,

of all the ideas
you've suggested...

Yeah.

Is the third.

That's true.
I have to say that.

Do you remember when I used to
put on a pair of your pants

then I'd pull them up over my
head and run around the house

and bump into everything,
knock stuff over?

Yeah, I remember, Ben.

Is there a job for that?

Hey, Laura, guess what this is?

A bowl of fruit?

That's right,
and guess who it's for?

For me?

It's for you, it's for me,
it's for my patients.

It's the new way around here.

I just need to find
a spot to put it,

because I'm not
gonna stand here all day,

so where do you think,
should I put it...

Is your desk a good spot?

No.

Is the... I want to
put it somewhere

where people will see it,

and where people will
take advantage of it.

Why don't you put
it in your office?

Because I don't want people
bringing fruit in my office.

It would be messy.

Oh.

But it's okay to
have it out here?

This is a waiting area,
which is designed...

It's a waiting area,
it's not a cafeteria.

Hey, why don't you sh...

Whoa!

Now what's your name, hot mama?

Laura.

My name is Emo.

So, how do you like
being a secretary?

I'm an administrative assistant.

Do you like riddles, Laura?

No.

How do you stop... wait.

How do you stop an
elephant from charging?

You take away his credit card.

Very good.

So, emo, let me ask you this,

you say that
even within the city,

you still are able to
find some little...

Haven.

Haven, that's the word.

Oasis.
Oasis, a haven.

I go to the park,
you know, I like to...

Just to... to relax?

Yeah, have fun, you know?

Rip out nose hairs.

Those sleeping winos hate that.

Plus, I like to go to the zoo.

What is it about
the zoo that you like?

Oh, boy.

Probably... oh,
that's a tough one.

I'd have to say the animals.

How about you?

I'd say the animals.

Oh.

Give me five.

Okay.

Can we do it on your way out?

Listen, I have just
a quick question for you.

Okay.

Where'd you learn how to type?

I just kind of picked
it up in the streets.

How fast do you type?
How many... WPM?

Uh...

I don't know, actually.

Because I'm saying...

I have to base how many words
per minute I have to type

by, you know, someone
like you, a professional.

Well, I don't know.

Ten?

Sure. Yup.

Wow, that seems pretty easy.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

You know, I don't mean
to put you on the spot,

but could you just

type a little for me?

Put... so I can
hear your rhythm?

Maybe if you put the phone down
right next to the keyboard,

I could listen to
the way you type,

and that would titillate me.

That's disgusting.

I'm sorry.

But I'm gonna count
the seconds in my head.

So, ready?

Laura?

What's that echo?

Am I in the basket again?

Doctor, I seem caring, don't I?

You do, you seem like
a very caring person.

I am, you know?

The other day, I saw this man

going through our
garbage looking for food.

And doctor, I hate to see
another human being

going through someone's
garbage can looking for food,

so I made him a really
nice raccoon costume.

Does he wear it? No.

You know, you can't
help these people.

Oh, Emo, Emo, Emo.

I'm the one in
the middle, you drunken...

I, uh...

Oh, my brother
says "hello."

So hurray for speech therapy.

Ben, what happened here?

Hey, dad.

What happened
to saying "hi?"

Hi, Ben, what...
What happened?

Oh, I think I found my calling.

What are you doing here?

I'm decorating a cake.

What is this for?

I bought a book on how
to become a cake decorator.

Take a look at this one
I just built, dad.

It's a triple layer...

All icing.

So what is inside the icing?

Is it just gonna implode?

What's your favorite
part of cake, dad?

The icing.

So you're sort of
avoiding the middleman.

This is a triple layer,
sharply cut, as we call it.

Hexagonal pattern
in the middle rung,

with a Fleur-de-lis
pattern on top.

I'm flabbergasted, really.

Do you know what
"Fleur-de-lis" means?

Do you know what
"flabbergasted" means?

No.

We're even.

Why don't you make your...

As long as you're making cakes,

why don't you make a Mother's
Day cake for your mom

and send it to her?
I bet she would love that.

When's Mother's Day?

In about a year.

Mother's Day is in three weeks.

I didn't get you
a Father's Day gift.

I know, but you know,
you are my Father's Day gift.

Dad.

Come here.

No, not with all
this icing on me.

Yeah.

They look a lot better in
the book than the one I made.

You're sort of competing
against yourself

within the design.

But those are "ionic" columns.

I actually call this
one "The Parthenon."

You know, it's like...

Are you lisping again?

It's a Greek motif.

It's kind of what
I wanted to concentrate on,

that's the way it ended up.

How about a nice, cold brew?

Oh, dad.

I mean, cake-shmake.

Hey, Laura.

Notice anything
different about me?

Mmm, no.

I've gained 30 pounds!

I was gonna say that

but I thought it would be rude.

Yeah, I know, I mean,
obviously you noticed

that I'm wearing roller skates.

Mm-hmm.

Do you like the outfit?

No.

Actually, I'm learning how to
roller-skate for exercise.

Right.

That's why I'm wearing these

and I'll tell you something,
it's great exercise.

I didn't skate
over here, I took a cab.

But I skated around in
the hall a little bit,

and I'm gonna make my
way over to the desk.

You give me about five minutes.

Oh, no.

I just gotta inch my way over.

Is there anything
that I can do for you?

Sure, you can
hold your hands out

and just give me a good
target to go for...

That way, I can get over there,

so just hold your hands out

and I'll let go of
the doorpost here.

Don't let go of it.

I only fell twice
in the elevator.

Really? Good.

I think I did some damage to
about two or three people,

only I ripped a guy's
shirt on my way down.

So I joined a gym recently,
and I'll be honest with you,

this is the third gym I joined.

I actually joined a gym once,

and that was
the last day I went.

Right.

I woke up the other morning,

I looked at myself in
the mirror, and I was disgusted.

I was talking to myself in the
mirror and, "Look at you!"

"You have never been in shape.

What is your problem?
How do you go on living?"

This is what I'm
saying to myself.

So I walked into that gym,
I was starry-eyed.

I was like, "Do you have
a lifetime membership?"

"How much would that be?
No, a lifetime membership."

"You don't give those out?"

"How much would it be
if you did give them out?"

"Really, that much?"

"Well, do you have
a trial thing?"

"Is there something I
could just do today?"

So I've been going to the gym.

And I will be honest with you.

For 15 years of my life,

I smoked, I drank,
I used to do dr*gs,

I used to eat lard right out
of a can, occasionally.

But don't judge me,
we've all been there.

I'm not judging you, Marc.

But during that time, I never
once thought I was going to die.

But the second I set foot
on a stairmaster,

the second,

I am sure my heart
is gonna explode,

and blood is gonna
spray out of my nose.

And there is no glory
in going down

on a piece of gym equipment,

do you understand?

Imagine the humility
of that death.

I mean, I'd rather die
of a degenerative disease

than to be on my third deluded
day at the gym going...

And your face just smacks
down on that control panel,

you know, and you're hanging
there going, "Uh."

I think the ironic thing
about that particular demise

is that you know the guy in
the stairmaster next to you

would not stop his
workout to help you up.

He'd just be like,

"Oh, no, we got
a problem in here.

Hey, somebody get in here,
we got a problem.

No, I can't stop, I just
got started on this machine.

Yeah, this guy's in trouble.

What a waste of
a guest pass, huh?"

So, is there a reason
why you're here?

Well, I just came to
show off the new skates

and, you know, see how
you were doing.

So, you wanna
see a couple moves?

Not really.

I can do a full turn,
and I can hold one leg up.

Ow.

I went out a couple of weeks ago

and bought a CD by
a band I don't even like.

So I had to ask myself,

"Marc, what's going on here?"
Know what I mean?

And I figured out
what happens is,

if you watch MTV
or listen to the radio,

you keep getting hit in the head

with the same song
over and over again,

until one day you
just snap and go,

"Must have Coolio!"
You know what I mean?

So I decided to fight against

this corporate occupation
of my mental processes,

I went and returned the CD,

and I got a CD of
traditional Indian music.

Okay, from India...
Yeah, go ahead,

laugh, do whatever
you want... judge me.

But let me tell you something,

there is a song
on there, 59 minutes long.

That's value, okay?

I'm telling you, it's 20 minutes
before the drums kick in.

But if you're really listening,

they couldn't come in
a second sooner.

And I was trying to
convince this friend of mine

that this was the best
music ever,

and we had been listening
to it, like, 19 minutes

and he said
"This sucks!"

And I said, "Wait!"

And those drums
came rolling in...

And he's like "Hey!"

"I stand corrected."

Hey, I'm sorry Laura,
I really haven't...

I haven't been keeping
up my end of the bargain

with refreshing the fruit.

I've noticed.

And you know, by the way,

if you, at some point, want to
take over that responsibility,

you're welcome to it, because...

Can I just get rid of it?

I would suggest that you...

Well, there's still
some good stuff in there.

Can I just get rid of it?

After today, you can throw
it out, if you like,

and then we'll
refresh it tomorrow.

It's the flies, really,
that bother me now.

The smell doesn't bother you?

But, no, no...

Stanley, Julie, you know how
obsessive I get with things.

Yeah.

Well, about a week ago,

I thought that I had
a new plan for life...

Uh-huh.

And that all of my problems
could be connected to my diet,

and that I wasn't
eating enough fruit.

Oh, yeah.

You know, the sad part is

that I didn't really give
it a fair shake, you know?

I went from the fresh
fruit to cough drops,

cherry-flavored
cough drops.

Sometimes they say fruit

and it's really
"High-frucktose" corn syrup.

What?

I just like saying "frucktose,"

"high-frucktose."

I bet you do.

I don't think that's
how you say it, though.

Yeah, "frucktose."

No, it's fructose.

I think you're just making
that up, so that you can...

You're saying "frucktose"
is "fructoast?"

No, not "fructoast."

Wait, do you say
"Go fook yourself?"

This week wore me out, you know,

trying to follow your...
Your careers.

I guess, I've definitely learned
a lesson this week, dad,

going through all these attempts

to find my way into
a profession or a career,

and that is, don't, you know?

Well, you have to be
a little more realistic.

There's no reason to be.

It's just much
easier to ignore it.

Can I give you
a piece of advice?

Yes.

Be more realistic,
but hold on to your dreams.

And let go of those chips
for one second, please.

No... being a late bloomer is
not a bad thing, necessarily,

because...

I'm just holding out
for a decent childhood,

and I'm not gonna grow
up until I get it.

Here's your decent
childhood right here, pal.

I've seen that before.

We had... we did have some
good times, but I do owe you...

You owe me three or
four years that I lost.

Well, you didn't lose them,
you were in pain.

Yeah.

But that's not lost time.

Oh, okay.

No, I... your mother was the
disciplinarian in the family,

you know that?

She knew how to set limits.

I remember.

Maybe that's the problem,
maybe after mom left...

No more limits.

No more limits,

anything goes, I love it.

Yeah, sky's the limit.

I can't get enough of this.

I don't have to do anything
do I, ever, dad?

Not really.

I think your metabolism
has a lot to do with that.

Yeah.

I weigh about 140 pounds, naked.

I mean, if that scale
at the train station

is anything to go by.

My girlfriend said,

"Emo, I'm seeing
another man."

I said, "Well, try rubbing
your eyes or something."

She said, "No, this other guy,

and he loves me and he
wants to marry me."

I said, "Well, sounds like
he doesn't even know you."

Doctor.

You know, I got into these
computer games lately

'cause I got this computer

and I've been playing
it like a maniac.

Computer games
are dangerous, I think,

because they do bring out
the v*olence in you,

and, for me, I just don't
like feeling that upset.

I don't want to k*ll
anybody and when you go...

I had this one video game
that was like a dungeon?

Mm-hmm.

And when I was in this game,

all I wanted was a button
I could press

where all these
guards and goblins

would just put down their g*ns,

and sit there and be mellow.

And then I could just walk
through and say hi to them.

"Hey, you guys,
what's going on?"

"Not much."

"You guys guarding
the blue key?"

"Yeah, just guarding it."

"Okay, well, take care,
have a good day."

"Yeah, you too,
keep going."

"All right."

That would be fun for me,
instead of hurting...

No more hurting.

Dr. Katz, here's something
I want to talk about.

Yeah.

I'm just thankful that there's
no such thing as magic,

and that people like David
Copperfield and Doug Henning

don't have any real powers,

because then we'd all
have to work for them.

"What are you doing, man?"

"I'm in David Copperfield's
army, how about you?"

"I'm working for
Doug Henning right now.

So what are you
guys up to?"

"Well, mostly we're just
building statues to David

and how great he is."

"Yeah, how's it going?"

"Oh, it sucks,
he's such a jerk..."

"I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, he's great.

David's great.

He's not a nerd.

He's not a loser."

Doctor, I was at a wedding
in Indiana yesterday,

and my uncle Joe talked
to me for about 45 minutes,

and there was...

I didn't really get a chance
to respond during it,

so I was wondering if I
could just take a second here

and respond to him.

Sure, I guess so.

Okay, so,

shut up, shut up!

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I don't care about your boat!

I don't care, I don't care!

Who's Chuck?
Who's Chuck?

You just started
talking about Chuck,

but you never told
me who he was!

Shut up, shut up!

Shut up!

God, I wanna squeeze your nose.

I'm sorry Bob, you know
what the music means.

Our time is up.