03x28 - Mourning Person

[bunniefuu]

Ah, dinner, huh?

You know, it's not the most
important meal of the day...

No.

But it's not bad.

Right, do I have
potato in my teeth?

It's hard to tell where
the tooth ends

and the potato begins.

You do me a big favor?

Yeah.

Pass the bucket
of gravy over here?

Hey, Ben, let me
ask you something.

Remember my old
Wollensack tape recorder

that used to be set up
in the living room

when you were little?
A reel-to-reel machine?

I used to record songs on it.

Have you seen it around?

I haven't... I don't
even remember it.

You're kidding me.

No... what's it called?

It's a reel-to-reel
tape recorder.

Right, I know what those are.

It's a Wollensack...
That's the brand name.

You probably lost it.

Well, I'm just afraid that

it's buried under a ton of stuff

in the basement in our locker,

you know, in our
little area down there.

You should go down,
check it out.

I have this song
kicking around in my head,

and I remember...

Oh, dad.

I remember recording
a million great songs

on that machine,
and I was thinking

it would be fun to set up
a little home studio here.

Dad, that's not
a good idea, you know?

And I was thinking
that you could

actually play the role
of my producer in this.

Really? That's enticing.

I mean, if you could write
something for Broadway,

you know I'm on board.

You have free reign
if you can find that machine.

Is it gonna require a lot
of time commitment,

because I have a lot of time.

Can I sing one line
of it for you?

Just one.

It goes...

♫ Left out but I'm not new ♫

but I'm what?

But I'm not new.

It sounds like Hebrew
a little, doesn't it?

"But I'm not new"?

That's the one

that's been kicking around
in your head?

Well, it's about
this feeling I felt

when I started graduate school.

Can you change it?

You can't change
your feeling, Ben.

Then just change the line.

You're already losing
half the audience

right out of the gate.

Because, actually...

Wait a minute,
raise your hand...

You shut up!

Laura?

What?

Do you have a key
to the men's room?

No.

Oh.

Laura?

What?

Does Dr. Katz have
a key to the men's room?

No.

Aw!

What are you doing, you animal?

Why don't you use the bathroom

like everyone else?

Because I didn't know
how to get the key?

You don't need a key!

Oh, now I remember.

Oh, yes, doctor, I'm coming!

Didn't you hear him?
He said, "Next patient."

Did you hear him?
I'm coming, Dr. Katz.

Well, we should continue
our little conversation

at some other time...

Perhaps over a nice,
delicious beverage.

I don't know...
I saw that this woman

was suing McDonald's,

because she found a condom in
her BigMac or something.

Okay, she should get some money,

'cause that's
pretty gross, you know,

but it's not their fault
that she choked on it.

You know what I mean?

Like, if I'm eating something,

and there's a hair in it,
I'm gonna stop.

I'm gonna go, "Ew,"
but she's sitting there,

just going to town
on this thing.

"Is there, like, pickle in a
little packet or something?"

Hi, Laura,
I'm a little early, right?

Yeah.

- You know why?
- Why?

I took the bus...
This is nuts.

Wait, that's not the nutty part.

While it was in motion,
I talked to the driver.

You're not supposed to do that.

I know... took a lot of
innocent people down with me.

Not just me I'm
self-destructive with.

How are things, Fred?

Things could be worse.

That's what people say

when they point to me
in the street.

No, no, people bother
me about being thin.

They're always going,
"Oh, you're so skinny,

I could put my hand
around your arm!"

No you can't! Why?
'Cause get outta here!

They tell me I'm thin,
like I don't know.

They go, "How
much do you weigh?"

I have to tell 'em so they
can go, "Oh, God."

Do you go to someone
who's bald and go,

"What's the circumference
of your head?"

I met this girl,
and we went back to my place.

You know, one thing led to
nothing, and she goes,

"No sex, we're just gonna
sleep... we'll be friends."

What friends do that?

I played basketball with
my friend the other day,

and I said,
"What do you wanna do now?

Let's take a nap together."

I wouldn't go looking,

digging through your past,
dad, to find...

I'm just saying, that's
a dangerous thing to do.

You go back, you pull out
the old tape recorder,

you pretend that you
can write and record songs.

I mean, it's a dream that
you shouldn't pursue.

I'm just saying
you're gonna get hurt...

by me.

You know I gave up the dream

when your mother
became pregnant.

What are you trying to say, dad?

I'm saying you ruined my life.

Ben, are you down there?

Ow! I'm here.

Are you okay?

Ah, god!

Let me toss you down
the flashlight, hang on.

Don't toss anything!

- Here it comes.
- Ow!

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.

Dad, that's why...
'cause it's dark here.

I should have
turned it on first.

Right, you got me in the cheek.

I think there were some
batteries down there for it.

Why don't you throw
those down now, dad?

The thing is that nobody
goes down there anymore.

Why?

It's so great down here...
It's nice and moldy,

and wet.

Here's the... dad, I found

the old golf clubs
uncle Joe gave me.

We don't have an uncle Joe.

Oh, maybe I'm in the wrong...

Yeah, you've strayed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dad!

What's that?

There's a picture of you
when you were in the army.

Is this you?

You weren't in
the Korean w*r, were you?

Ben, I gotta go... I think...
But good luck.

Dad, don't leave me down here.

Stay in touch!

Don't shut the... dad!
Don't shut the... dad?

Dad, I'm scared!

Dad?

Dad, how'd you get here?

I closed the door behind me.

Am I gonna leave my
only son down there alone?

I appreciate it.

Get in the trunk.
Give me a hug.

Hi, Laura.

Hi.

Did I miss the appointment?

No.

Oh, good, good, good, good.

No, it's tomorrow.

Oh, I guess... I can't
keep my life in order.

You know what I mean?

Like those bad boys on
Geraldo that the women...

You go, why are you
with this guy?

Do you think I'm gritty?

Am I more like a Jeff Bridges
or a Nick Nolte?

Mmm... which one
of 'em is taller?

I don't know, but I didn't
shave... that's gritty.

Nick Nolte.

All right.

So I have to make
a determination

exactly what I'm gonna do here.

Maybe you could steer me in...

Well, you know what
we could use, actually,

is a cable for the mic,
'cause I'm not sure...

And also, I could use a music
stand to hold the lyrics.

I'll get all that stuff...
I got no problem there.

It's just that, you
know how uncomfortable I am

talking to salespeople.

I don't wanna get in
that situation where...

Well, because you always...
You like to sound like

you know what you're
talking about, when in fact,

they're perfectly glad
to talk you through it.

Just don't try
to impress anybody.

I don't want the guy to talk
me into stuff I don't need.

Well, let's do
a little role-playing here.

I'll be the salesperson.

What can I do for you,
young man?

Um, I need some equipment
for setting up a home studio.

You're gonna need
one of everything,

and the latest, I think...

I'll take it.

Okay... that
worked out okay.

Yeah, see, I panicked.

Yeah... okay, now, let me be
a different sales guy.

Hey, how you doing?

What kinda sales guy are you?

A little sleazy.

I like this
role-playing stuff.

Joan Rivers here
to see Dr. Katz.

I'm sorry, but you can't
bring that animal in here.

Pardon me?

This is not an animal,
this is my friend.


This is my friend.

Ms. Rivers, it's not
the dog we don't want,

it's the hairdo...
It's cruel.

My daughter and I
are close, thank god.

We're almost like mother
and daughter...

Very, very close.

That's sweet.

Get off the couch, Spike.

The birth was terrible.

I was in labor 108 days,
and it was just...

That was a long time ago, Joan.

That was 24 years ago...
You don't forget.

You don't forget...
A woman...

And they always lie to you
when you're pregnant.

They say, "Never more
beautiful, you're glowing."

Heartburn...
I carried so big,

and also, I carried very low,
doctor, you know,

that was one of the problems.

Melissa's feet were hanging
out the last three months.

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura, Laura?
Laura, you there?

It's Ben.

- Hi.
- How are ya?

Fine, how are you?

- What's that?
- What do you want?

Say it again?

I can't really...
I can't hear you that well,

because I'm at the music store,

and the guys are jamming here.

Guys, seriously, keep it down.

What?

And, so I could go
at any time here,

'cause I might have to sit in.

I'll tell you something,

the music store,
Laura, is fantastic.

I mean, the people here...
It's like a commune.

They play it loud,
they play it proud.

You know, they stopped playing.

I don't have to
keep talking loud.

But I will, you know?

Laura, you there?

I knew nothing.

First of all,
when they show you the baby...

My daughter, Melissa's,
beautiful.

You know what
it really goes back to?

It doesn't even go back
to Melissa.

It goes further back.

It goes back, um,
I wasn't wanted.

Do you know what that's
like to start out that way?

My parents didn't want me...

They didn't take me
out of the hospital

until I was 9,5 years old.

That's unforgivable.

It was difficult,
and you don't forget.

You don't forget these hurts.

You shouldn't forget.

I don't mean to cry...
I'm sorry.

Spike, not now!

Dad.

What's up, Ben?

Dad, I can barely hear you.

Bad connection?

No, I'm at the music store,

and someone's playing
the triangle in my ear.

Why don't you call me later?

Okay, dad, it's quiet now...
What'd you say?

I said call me later.

No, it's all right.

I made a list,
I'm checking it twice.

I got a microphone.

Oh, good.

And it's a great one.

We need the microphone.

We don't need the best
microphone in the world.

Well, I don't know if
it's the best one.

I mean, it's the most expensive.

You come by here
a lot, right, dad?

Yeah, every once in awhile,
I get a new a*.

- Get a what?
- A new a*.

What does that mean?

A new guitar... that's...

That's what they call a guitar?

That's what musicians refer to

their instruments as...
Their axes.

Their axes, right.

It's not just in music that
this kind of stuff happens.

Every business
has its own jargon.

Like lumberjacks call
their instruments...

- Axes.
- Right!

My kids are in a private school,

and I don't know...

All the schools my kids
have been in,

most of the parents

are out-of-work
sitcom actors, you know?

You know, it's
a very strange place

for a kid to grow up.

So we're sitting there,
and they're going,

"Let's do a fund-raiser!"

Not 'cause the school
needed any more cash.

It's because they all wanted
to get back on the stage

and hit the boards again.

They all wanted to perform.

"Hey, let's do Les Mis."

"Oh, that would be exciting,
chachi, that's a great idea."

So I'm sitting there,
and they go,

"Bob, do you have any
fund-raising ideas?"

And I said,
"Why don't we sell cr*ck?"

And then the PTA bummed out

They're like, "Ehh," and I'm
like, "Hey, not to our kids!"

Your bill is past due...
Could you pay today?

Uh, lookit, I don't have
a problem with paying,

and I like the idea of paying.

Um, and you're looking at me

saying I don't have
any money, I know that.

I don't think you're qualified

to judge me, though.

I have a lot of money.

Mm-hmm.

Just not on me.

Okay.

And they don't let me have
a checking account anymore.

You know, you make one mistake.

You go out and buy 30 - 40,000
Chia pets on an impulse,

suddenly, "Oh, Bob
can't have an account.

Bob can't be trusted
with credit cards."

We just had kittens!

You know, nothing could help

settle up payment faster
than a delicious kitten.

That's disgusting.

I didn't mean eat it.

I'm just talking
about, like, licking it.

Ah, shut up!

When I was a kid, this was
the worst experience.

I took a cross-country trip

with my mother and father...
Severe t*rture.

The whole trip,
my mother's so annoying.

I mean, I'm eating a Hershey
bar, she freaks out.

She goes,
"Where did you get that?"

Where did I get it...
Like I'm a junkie,

and my connection's
set me up in Minneapolis.

You know, "I'm gonna be in
Seattle in five hours.

You got some Chunkys?"

What is that?

This is just... I've been...

You bringing your machine g*n?

No, I'm bringing my guitar
to work these days,

just because I'm
working on a song.

Oh, so you're back to
songwriting again.

Well, actually,
I never really left it,

but I'm just curious as to
what you guys think.

Can I hear it?

But just...
It's a work in progress,

and my big fear is that

I'm rewriting someone
else's melody.

So we'll think about it.

♫ Oh, say can you ♫

No, I'm kidding about that,
I'm kidding about that.

Just change it.

This is how it goes...
It goes...

♫ Left out but I'm not new ♫

♫ this doesn't seem to... ♫

- You wrote that?
- Yep.

I have chills...
I'm gonna start crying.

I'm almost done.

♫ I've gotta
think this through ♫

Oh, boy.

Then this is the chord
that I recently learned

from a friend of mine.

Ooh... "c" minor
diminished seventh.

I like the song...
I think it's really good.

You have a nice voice.

You know, Paul McCartney

once referred to Brian Wilson
as a musical genius.

And that same year,

Bob Dylan called Smokey Robinson.

America's greatest living poet.

What's your point, Stanley?

That I know stuff.

Ben, can you shut
the TV off, please?

What?

I said, "Shut off the TV"!

You shut up and be free.

Ben, I asked you
to shut off the TV.

Oh, sorry, dad.

Looks like we're
in a recording studio.

You got everything here.

What's incredible is...

Do you know how
to use this stuff?

Listen to this, dad.

This is just one of
the amazing things.

Lay it on me.

I can talk like a robot.

That's great!

Danger, danger, danger, danger!

Boy, that is... you've
got some great stuff.

Echo, echo, echo.

Lassie, help, I'm in the ravine.

Let me hear just a quick note.

Okay.

Um, this is the...

Let me... I just gotta
get a level check here.

We should do a scratch track,
just for reference.

What you need
to do right now, dad,

is not talk until I say talk,

because that's gonna
screw up my level check.

All right?

Yep, you're calling the sh*ts.

Oh, see, there you go again.

I'm sorry.

Okay, come on, people,
let's go, all right?

Ben, it's just you and me.

Exactly, me and you, baby, huh?

- You ready?
- Yeah.

All right, wink-wink,
here we go.

Four, three, two, one.

Wait a minute,
I'm sorry, I screwed up.

I don't say two.

I did this alone... it's just
when you came in here,

I got nervous.

Okay, here we go...
This is gonna work.

Okay.

Are you all right?

I'm with you.

- You feel okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

You want some tea?

Nope, I'm good.

Things okay at home?

Ben, come on!

Are you ready to rock?

Ben.

Hello, Cleveland!

All right, let's do this...
Who loves you, baby?

I do... look at me,
look right here.

You do.

And I'm recording.

And five, four, three...

♫ Left out but I'm not new ♫

♫ this doesn't seem too fair ♫

♫ I feel left out ♫

♫ didn't used to ♫

♫ I've gotta
think this through ♫

That sucked!

So how do you feel about
your mother-in-law?

My mother-in-law,
well, actually,

she's a very nice woman, and
I had to have her cremated,

and I cannot tell you...

I flew all the way
over to England,

'cause they were English,
and I had her cremated,

and I was coming back
on the plane,

and then it hit me...

Maybe I should have
waited 'til she was dead.

You know, doctor, I'm busy,

and I had three days off, and I
figured, let me do it now,

and you know,
she just wouldn't listen.

I kept saying, "Helen,
you've always said",

'Joan, I wanna be cremated.'"

well, I have the time, I spent
my own money on the ticket.

I'm here... let's
just go through with it.

As you get older, this death,
the body goes.

My body just drops,
drops, drops, drops.

I mean, I cannot tell you.

I wear a bikini, people think

I'm in
a one-piece bathing suit.

It's not pretty, doctor.

Now, Joan, you are
an attractive woman.

I don't know why you're
so hard on yourself.

Well, that's...
You know, doctor,

thank you very much,
but that's...

Whatever it is, it's
due to plastic surgery.

I just go in there, I don't
even take anesthetic anymore.

The only trouble is, you know,

sometimes, they
can pull you too tight.

I mean, a friend of mine,
he pulled so...

He just pulled her up.

She wears her earrings
on her ass.

I mean, just...
You gotta be careful.

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

My thighs... I never
get in a bathing suit,

'cause I get in the bathing
suit, I walk around,

my thighs go, "Good for us,
good for us, good for us."

I was on a game show
in Australia,

where I represented
the United States,

and I felt like
I did a pretty good job.

When I was playing this woman,

whenever the host
wasn't looking at her or I,

I'd slap her buzzer, you know?

And I think her name was,
like, Sophie, or something,

and the host kept going,
"Sophie!"

And she goes,
"He keeps hitting my buzzer,"

and I go, "Oh, I do not!"

"If you're gonna lose,
just lose.

Don't drag me into
your nightmare, duh."

You know what the music means.

What does the music mean?

Our time is up.

What do you mean our time is up?

Do you mean,
like, in a big sense?

That I'm worm food?

Just because you hear
some songs, I'm dead?

You're a sick,
little, twisted man.

You know what those sirens mean?

I'm gonna break you in half
with my bare hands!

Laura?

She won't help you...
She's in cahoots with me!