04x34 - Memoirs

[bunniefuu]

You know, I just
don't understand

how men communicate with
each other.

The meaning is between
the lines, you know?

Women lay it all
out there on the line...

Women on the lines, men
between the lines.

That's right.

Because I have noticed
that sometimes, even with me,

you guys do some code,

maybe when you get
a little uncomfortable.

Just to protect you
in a certain way,

also, from the...
- From what?

Because you're a more genteel
creature than we are.

It's true.

How do you know that?

The way you throw.

What are you
working on there, Ben?

Just taking notes,

you know, jotting down
some thoughts.

Like a journal?

I'm working on a book.

Are you? Great!

That's great, Ben...
What kind of book?

Well, it's a book about me.

Who better?

Well, you write what
you know, dad.

You don't write
what you don't know.

That's what I've been
telling you,

is you are the world's
leading expert on Ben.

With a little help from you.

I'm in second place, believe me.

But, Ben, don't you think

that before you write
your memoirs,

you should go out and have
a couple more of those things

that are the...

Live a little,
is what I'm saying.

Look, I've reached that
point in my life, dad,

where I have to start, you know,

committing things to permanence,
or else when I'm gone,

who will be able to
know what I was like?

Oh, I could tell 'em.

When am I going?

I packed a bag, Ben.

Oh, man... I gotta change
the ending now.

I wrote the first part.

Yeah?

I wrote out my first thought.

You wanna hear it?

Sure, go ahead.

No, you don't wanna hear it.

No, I would like to hear it.

"In loving memory of
my father, Jonathan Katz."

Ben, do you know something
I don't know?

'Cause that's
usually reserved for...

After somebody has...

I know, dad,

but this book is gonna
take awhile to write.

And by the time I'm done...

Yeah.

You know I'm gonna love you.

Come here, you.

Dad, not yet.

I said "By the time
I'm done."

Hey, Laura, how's it going?

You remember me?
Louie?

Yeah... could you take
a seat, please?

You know what I've always
wanted to do?

Change my name to something

really awful like
"Farty McCrab-Lice,"

and then go and find
the cure for a disease,

because then they'll have to
name a street after me,

"Farty McCrab-Lice Street,"

and the president
will have to say,

"God bless Farty McCrab-Lice."

I've been having some
financial troubles.

I called my bank
and checked my balance.

It turns out I have negative
$4,500 in the bank.

But I like calling my bank,

'cause I can transfer my
money over the phone.

You know, the lady goes,

"Please enter the amount
you'd like to transfer."

So I just put in a one
and a lot of zeros,

'cause then you actually
get to hear the lady say,

"Your transfer of $10 million
has been denied

because of your negative
checking balance of $4,500.

Please try again."

Okay, boop-boop-boop.

"Your request for a transfer
of 15 cents has been denied!"

You know what I realized today?

I got really depressed,

'cause I realize I forget
to start playing saxophone

when I was 12 years old.

It just hit me today.

Damn, I should have done that,

'cause now I can't get
any work as a sax player,

'cause I don't know how to play.

'Cause I've never even tried.

It bothers me when people
complain about flying.

People are like,
"The seat was too small

and the lady was
mean to me."

When did we become so jaded to
the fact that it's a miracle?

You're flying!

I don't think the airlines...

All they should have to say
in their commercial is,

"We can fly!"

But I didn't like the seat.

It smelled weird, and
I don't like...

Laura? Am I late?

Well, you're about


Okay, that's not so bad.

You see, I went to see
at the yogurt place,

and I hate making left turns.

You know, you stick out
in traffic.

So instead of
making one left turn,

I made, like, a lot
of right turns.

Fred, what are
you talking about?

You don't have a car.

I didn't mean with a car.

With a car, that would be
really bad, really stressful.

Wow, this is great,
a second waiting room.

This looks much more
comfortable.

No, Ron, this is
not a waiting room.

This is my office.

Wow, they said you
had a different approach.

This is great.

There's no special chair
and no sharp, poking things,

and there's no...
Thing

you know, that thing.

Wow, I feel very relaxed...
This is very nice.

I'm very nervous around

the type of doctor that you are.

I think you're gonna get
over that in awhile.

It just takes getting used to.

Oh, really?
Well, where do we start?

Why don't you just tell me
a little something

about what brought
you here today?

I've been feeling a little
pain on the right side.

What do you mean, Ron?
What kind of pain?

The last time I came, they
pulled these two right here.

Yeah.

What are you talking about, Ron,

when you say, "They
pulled these two"?

Are you talking about teeth?

Wow, this is a very
interesting approach.

Well, it is the teeth that
were pulled, yeah.

This is great.

I mean, I'm starting
to feel better already.

Wait, you don't... do you
think I'm a dentist?

No, I don't!

I think that's why this
is working so well.

Dr. Katz' office.

Hi, Laura, it's Ben.

Hi, Ben.

How you doing?
Fine.

I know you're gonna
start asking me like,

"Hey, Ben, what's going on?
Why are you so down?

Why are you
so depressed?"

No, I wasn't going to.

But I'll tell you why.

I'm writing now.

And when I write, you know,
I dredge up a lot of memories

that aren't so pleasant.

Mm-hm.

And I'll tell you something,
Laura, that's not easy.

Hey, Ben?

Isn't this cutting
into your writing time?

Well, I'm on a writing break.

Really?

Every writer takes a break.

What time did you say
you started?

I pull up to the notebook
about 11:00 A.M.

It's 11:05.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes, it
doesn't come as easy.

I mean, I'm not
ad-libbing here.

I'm a writer... I need
to think first.

It just doesn't
pop into my head.

I need to sit down,
fall asleep, then get back up,

and... you know,
snack...

And then write.

I gotta get back.

You're obviously
in a lot of pain.

It's not the tooth.

It's something else
that's going on.

So you're not a dentist anymore?

No, no, I've never been
a dentist.

Oh, I was a good patient.

You're very good,
you were very good.

You made a commitment
to the role.

But now that's over,

and now we're just
two guys in my office.

I'm Dr. Katz, and you
are Ron Lynch.

Okay.

What else do you know about me?

I know a lot about you.

I know that you're single,
you've been married once.

Wow, I don't think that's me.

I'm sorry.

That's a good role, though.

I like to play...
Can I play that role?

No.

But I gotta be honest
with you...

I don't wanna give away the
middle, but you're in there.

Really?

Yeah... I mean, I haven't
written it yet,

but I see you
somewhere in the middle.

Well, at least it'll be short.

There might be some things
you read in the book

that you'll be disturbed with,

like the part about our
longstanding relationship...

Oh.

The breakup in Paris...
Remember that?

We lived in Paris.

Lived in the park, remember,

in the Jardin?

In the what?

We lived in the
Jardin du Luxembourg

in Paris, remember?

Remember I turned to you
on the park bench,

and I said,
"Life is not sweet."

We were poor, but we were happy.

Hmm.

Why'd you leave me?

You know, let's try
and go back, if we could,

to your childhood, to some
of those early memories.

All right.

You and your mom and your dad.

You have an older brother.

Right.

What's his name?
I wanna say Alan.

No, his name was Alan.

Ron, I know this is hard
to talk about,

but would he pick on you?

Would he bully you?

Yeah, as far as
competition goes, we...

What is that?

I'm sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, I can't...

Please don't...

Uh-huh, right, okay.

I don't know if they have any,
but I'll try to get...

Ron, you don't...

I'm at the doctor's, yeah.

Could you put
that thing away, please?

No, he's...
It's a dentist.

Can you just hang up?

Look, I gotta go.

Okay, good...
Okay, bye.

Why are you pretending
that's a real phone?

It is a real phone.

But the cord is coming out of
your pants pocket in the back.

This is not a real leg.

Can we stop playing games
for a second

and try to focus?

I'm here to be helped,
I'm here to be helped.

I'm here to be helped.

Oh, jeez.

Do you need...

Yeah, you just...
You just called me.

He knows you're not
a real person now.

Right.

I know it's a fake phone.

Okay, I gotta... okay.

Okay, bye.

I'm sorry.

You know, this is
your real money

that you're gonna have
to pay me, whether or not

you take advantage of my help
or not, you know?

So do you wanna sit
here and play games,

or do you wanna talk about what
it is that's troubling you?

A little of each would be good.

You wanna hear this
first sentence?

It might blow you away.

Okay.

- Here we go, ready?
- Yep.

"The rushin' river raged,

ripping a serpentine path
through the ragged Ridge..."

I love it.

- I'm not done yet.
- Okay.

Hi, I'm Ben Katz.

Is that a good start?

I love the part about the river.

"The rushin' river."

I think that the,
"Hi, I'm Ben Katz,"

is too abrupt.

You think so?

I don't wanna talk about the
rushin' river for 300 pages.

Well, actually, what I've done

to separate the memoirs
right now...

I've outlined it,

and I've separated it
into three parts.

Right.

The early years.

The second part would be
the camp years.

Those three years in
summer camp, I learned a lot.

There's a lot you don't
know about.

Yes, I played softball...

Doesn't mean I'm gay.

The third part... I'm calling
that the pensive years.

That's the last
six years of my life

I call the pensive years.

You know why?

Why is that?

I don't know.

I don't think of them
as pensive years.

They used to be pensive years.

Now they're your
ex-pensive years.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Ex-pensive?

Yeah, I get it.

Formerly your pensive years,

for me, they were
the ex-pensive years.

I get it and get it.

Ex-pensive.

Laura, is everything okay
for my appointment?

Well, besides the fact
that you missed it, yeah.

Did you ever think
maybe you and Dr. Katz,

'cause I'm late all the time,

buy me something funny,

like a sign that says,
"Even a broken clock

is correct two times a day"?

Do you and Dr. Katz
ever say,

"Let's get
something funny for Fred,

like a beeper or a funny
ribbon to remind him."

Did you ever, like, do you...

How come you never bought
me anything?

I don't know, Fred.

How about if
I gave you the money?

I don't know, Fred.

How about if I bought it
myself, gave it to you,

could you give it to me?

I don't know, Fred.

Like this.

Woo-hoo! My god,
this is great!

Yeah, I was in jail, because...

Well, it started because
I borrowed a friend's car

and the horn was broken.

Right.

And it wasn't that
the horn didn't honk.

The problem was that it
would honk whenever.

It was a nightmare.

I'm just driving around...
Beep, beep, beep, beep.

I'm honking at everybody
for no reason.

And you can't
even really apologize.

'Cause what is...
You know...

Beep... sorry, I know!

Beep, beep...
I know, it's weird.

I don't know.

And, finally, I decided
after awhile of this,

I'm not gonna be a victim.

I'm not gonna just sit here.

I'm gonna at least
be part of it.

I wanna try to enjoy it.

One time, I'm sitting at a red
light behind this guy.

And nothing's going on.

And out of nowhere, the horn
goes, beep, beep, beep, beep.

The guy looks back at me.

I go, "What are you doing?
That's a red light!

Let's go... what
are you, an idiot?"

I'm just driving down
a quiet street...

Beep, beep.

Hey, lady walking...
You suck!

Dr. Katz' office.

- I am livid.
- Hi, Ben.

I'll tell you something.

What does it take to get a book
published in this country?

I think you have to write one.

Yeah, but I'm doing that.

Yeah?

I just don't wanna keep going

unless I get some sort of deal.

Right.

This is the way it goes in
publishing, as far as I know.

You come up with an idea,
and you get an advance...

You know, like,
$50,000, or $100,000.

Then you continue to write.

Makes sense.

I just want the advance part.

I can't work under these
conditions.

I mean, they just
squish the artist.

They push me right into a corner
and they say, "Write!"

And I say,
"No, no thank you!"

So anyway, I ended up in jail,

because the police don't
like when you honk at 'em

for no reason.

I like doing that.

Whenever I see a cop, I like
to drive behind policemen

and start following
them around the city.

And just once in awhile,
just honk at 'em,

go... beep, beep, beep.

And when they look back,
you just wave and go,

"Hey! Hey, the cops!
Yeah, woo!"

Beep, beep...
"Yeah, I love the cops!"

Beep...
"Whoo! Piggie!"

Listen, I gotta get back
to the book.

Oh, okay.

I'm in the middle of
an extremely emotional part.

Really? What part
is that?

The title.

There's a word in there, though,

that makes me cry every
time I write it.

Anyway, the truth
is I was in jail,

because I was speeding,
and I got pulled over,

and I don't have
a driver's license.

I never got one.

Yeah.

Well, I went to the place,
and there was a line.

You need a driver's license.

I kind of like the fact

that every time I get
pulled over,

even if it's for
a broken headlight,

they have to take me to jail.

So I don't have to
kiss the guy's ass.

I get to say anything
I want, really,

'cause what, is he gonna
take me to extra jail?

Right.

You know, the guy's like...

"Do you know how fast
you were going?"

"I don't know...
Like, a million?

I don't... hey,
you fat pig!"

So I had to go to jail, and
I had to be strip-searched.

I'd never been through
that before.

So I was standing naked
in front of this policeman.

And he says, "Lift!"

And I was like,
"Lift what?"

And he says,
"Lift your testicles."

And I was like, "Well, can
I use my hands?"

"Or do you just want me
to go, 'rise, testicles!

Rise on my command!'"?

So you've moved away
from the idea...

You've given up on the idea
of the perfect opening line?

Yeah, you know what?

'Cause it's really not,
I don't think,

about the opening line anymore.

No... what do you think
it is about?

It's about the whole book.

So you know what I have now?

What's that?
A bigger problem.

I mean, first, it
was just one line.

Now it's a whole damn book.

I don't think I'm
gonna be able to do it.

I'll still give it
a try, though,

because you know what?
I love the lifestyle.

The lifestyle is the best.

Yeah, it's just
the writing that sucks.

I realize now it's the title
that really counts.

I wouldn't say that, Ben.

It is, dad, let's face it.

You can tell if the book
is gonna be good

just by looking at the cover.

How about you tell
me an idea for a title

and I'll rate it on a sliding
scale, one to ten?

All right, ten being the best?

Ten being the best, one
being the worst.

All righty, five being
right in the middle.

Right smack in the middle.

Okay, here we go...
Ready?

You ready to catch it?

Yep.

How about this?

"What did we do to make mommy
go so far away?"

That's a two.

Okay.

"The sound of my father's voice
is slowly k*lling me"?

I'm gonna give that a two, also.

All right.

"An introspective retrospective
of a prospective genius."

That, I'm gonna give a six, Ben.

And pick up the pace

'cause I gotta get out of here.

How about this: "Thoughts
from a bloated boy."

That's a seven...
I like it.

"What's new, pussycat?"

Been taken.

"Big Ben, American-style."

That's my favorite so far.

I gotta go, but you keep going,

'cause you're definitely
on to something.

I just don't think this
is gonna work out alone.

I like that one, Ben...
That's a keeper.

"Daddy abandoned me"...
How about that?

Dr. Katz, I have an idea
that actually might work.

Could you possibly not
actually look at me

when I'm talking?

If you could face the other way,

it might be a little easier
for me to open up.

If you think that'll
help, I'll do that.

Okay.

How is it going on
the romantic front?

Have you met anyone lately?
I know you've been...

Well, I...

Yes, I have been dating
other people now.

Why are you talking like that?

I don't want you to
know it's me.

Okay, I'll refer to you
as Mr. X, if that helps.

Yeah, yeah, that's good,
yeah, Mr. X.

So, Mr. X, how's it going
on the dating front?

Not really that good.

It's really not
going well at all,

because... I'm such a loser...
I'm a loser.

I'm such a loser.

See, I think that's
your problem,

is you have to learn
how to love yourself.

I think it'll help if you
put that thing down.

I'm not...
I'm not using a thing.

I don't know why you feel

like you need to use that
device to talk to me

and why I can't face you.

You're very
controlling that way.

I'm not using a device.

Oops.

Fred, this is the third time
you've been late this month,

and your bill is way overdue.

Dr. Katz asked me to speak to
you, and I think maybe...

Please don't have him mad at me.

I wanna help... can I
hand out flyers?

No.

Yeah, you're right...
That's too much paper,

too much paper in the streets.

People litter...
I won't hand out flyers.

How about I'll do some barking?

I'll stand out there
and I'll do barking,

you know what I mean?

See Dr. Katz,
he helps...

Well, not me so much, 'cause
I miss a lot of appointments,

and when I am in, I get nervous,

and it's hard to concentrate
on what he's saying,

but he has lots of patients
now that do normal things

like have families and work
and go out with their buddies.

And get into shoving matches.

See Dr. Katz... he helps.

I don't think that's
a good idea, Fred.

How about if I just point?

That's good.

I was on the highway
the other day.

I was driving,

and I saw this station wagon,

and in the back, there
are these two kids.

I'm looking at them,
and I don't know why.

I just didn't like 'em.

Why didn't you like
the kids, Louie?

They had that crappy
look on their face.

Just, nyah!

I don't know what came over me.

Their father was driving.

It was just their dad,
and they were in the back.

So I just went, bam!

Gave 'em the finger,
just like that.

Whammo...
It felt really good.

And then their father looked,

and I stopped and then
he looked away,

and I went, wham, right again.

And then their father caught me,

and he kind of
looked at me like...

Like, "Yeah," like he was
thanking me.

And I realized that
parents must wanna do that

to their kids all the time.

Yeah.

I mean, as much as you
could love your kids,

when your kid's going...
"But mommy, you said I could.

You never let..."

they just must wanna go...
"You know what?

How do you like that, kid?

Right in your face.

Right there,
you little..."

You know what
the music means, Louie.

Yeah, but...

I'm sorry, we've gotta stop.