04x35 - Electric Bike

[bunniefuu]

Hey, dad...
You sitting down?

I am.

'Cause I got some big news.

Okay, make it snappy, 'cause I
got about 30 seconds here.

We just got a huge delivery...
One huge box.

- You know what this is?
- This is my...

Remember I ordered
an electric bike?

I don't remember that.

Yeah, from the catalog.

What does that mean?
An electric bike?

It's a bike...
Are there two boxes?

One very big box...

It's a big box, and then
there's a little box.

Little box has a combination
battery pack and motor.

Why did you buy this?

I bought it because

I'm gonna get to work
on my electric bike.

Always wanted... even
when I was a little boy,

I remember seeing pictures of...

I think they were
French paratroopers

flying through the sky
with their parachutes

and a little aluminum,
collapsible bike,

which is what's in that big box.

So give 'em a croissant, and
tell 'em to shut up, okay?

I don't know how
that inspires anybody

to buy an electric bike.

I think that would
do the opposite.

And then the Germans,
when the French were sleeping,

they would put baseball cards
in the spokes,

so they could hear
the French attacking.

There's a whole technology
that's become obsolete.

Is that how we won the w*r?

Ben, we didn't win the w*r.

I mean, we won the w*r,
we didn't...

Yeah, we won the w*r.

Can't watch a game.

Well, that seems to be
a theme in your life.

You watching sports,

it seems to be a source
of a lot of troubles.

Actually, a few weeks ago,
I was watching the game.

I had some time
to watch the game.

My wife was busy, and I
invite my friend over,

and he brought
his fiancée with him,

and he kinda ruined it
now for us.

I mean, if the women would
start talking to each other,

okay, we could watch,
but they weren't.

They had that,
"Let's play Pictionary"

look on their face.

I was starting to panic.

And then I tried something
that actually worked.

You can actually jump-start
a conversation, sometimes,

between two women.

I just said
to my friend's fiancée,

"Cathy, what color
bridesmaids' dresses

are you getting?"

She says, "Oh, they're blue,
they're off the shoulder,"

and my wife,
"Really, blue?"

Boom... we're watching
the game right there.

The hardest thing is when
I'm in a department store

during the big game.

Most of the time,
I'm shopping with my wife,

and then your only hope is when

you walk by the TV
section for a little while.

"Oh, honey, go try it on.

Try that on,
I'll be right here.

No, you look fat in that one...
Try another one on."

That's cunning.

It's pathetic!

We're all there...
All the married men

are just shuffling
around the TVs.

"Hi, how are you?
Yeah, hi.

Hey, you're new here...
Get in the back, buddy!

What are you trying to pull?
You're on lookout."

Hey, Laura, I don't know
if you remember me.

Sure, I do...
Dave Chappelle.

Oh, you do remember me.

Yes, I do.

Oh, okay, so you're just not

interested or excited
that I'm here.

Are those my only choices?

You know, I used to live in
a little town in Ohio, doc?


the black neighborhood.

You know, doc, I travel a lot.

I mean, really,
I'm a racism connoisseur.

Really?

You know, racism is different

from region to region.

Have you ever been to the south?

Well, years ago.

Doc, the racism down there
is just "muah"!

Magnifique!

Unfortunately, Dave,
it's not just the south.

I mean, I've seen racism
in the north.

You go up to New England...
I was in New England, man,

I saw two Irish dudes
b*ating up an Italian guy.

I said, now these people
are specific.

Okay, let me put down my bag,
open it up, because I am...

So you want me to do it?

Yeah, watch out for the staples,

'cause you can cut
yourself on those.

But save the staples, 'cause
you know I collect them.

I remember...
Along with corks.

Oh, my dear god.

Ben, this is...
It's collapsible.

It's not a bike!

No, it's in its
collapsed position.

So how much did this
baby go for?

Not as much as you think.



Okay, more than you would think,
but it's reasonable.



Add a zero.



No, Ben!

A zero!

This did? Dad, $1,000!

I am paying myself back
for a childhood

where I never got
any birthday presents.

You didn't?

No, my parents didn't
believe in birthday presents.

Why?

I don't know why...
They never...

It was not a big deal,
a birthday, in my family,

and that's why I overcompensate

on your birthday.

What did you get me last year?

Shoelaces.

You overcompensated?

I just gotta tell you
the one thing that scares me

about the manual, Ben,

it's the photograph of
the owner of the company

with his fingers crossed.

That's a bad sign.

Also, I've never seen
this before.

It says that it's warrant...

For parts and labor
for three days.

Isn't that unusual?

There's already air
in the tires and everything.

Yeah, but you don't know where
that air has been.

We've gotta get new air.

All right, good.

I think you're gonna
look silly riding that, dad.

Plus, how long has it been

since you've actually
ridden a bike?

Well, that's the beauty of it.

You know, it's like
riding a bike.

Is that the best way
to take a message?

With the label maker?

It's the most fun way.

No, the label maker's
good for files,

it's good for shelves.

Dr. Katz, I have
to tell you something,

but I have to tell you
via label.

Well, just... what?
What does it say?

See how fast I am?

You are getting good at that.

Here.

"I'm a little teapot"?

No, I was never
a normal kid, doc.

I hated comic books growing up.

That's the thing.

I don't believe in the whole
idea of a superhero.

I mean, man, I mean,
look at superheroes.

They're bad role models
for kids, anyway.

My favorite superhero
growing up was the Hulk.

He's green, I'm black...
It's close enough.

This guy is my hero.

Did you ever
see his TV show?

Uh, yeah.

Same dilemma every week.

"Don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me
if I was angry."

You remember what
would happen after that?

They'd piss him off.

They would b*at his ass
like an animal, doc.

Then he'd get mad
and turn into a monster,

and b*at them up and
keep on walking

like nothing happened.

What kind of role model's
gonna fight that much?

After five episodes, I was like,

"Hey, man, maybe it's you."

You know what?
I'm gonna...

Seeing that my dad's
in the office,

maybe I'll just take a quick
spin around the office

with the bike right here.

I don't think that
would be a good idea.

Watch this.

There we go.

Hello!

Hey again!

Laura, hey!

Okay, Ben, that's enough.

You know that scene
from Butch Cassidy,

Paul Newman,
and he does some tricks,

and they play, "Raindrops
keep fall..."

Hey!

Are the tires flat?

Look at Wonder Woman.

Look at how she dresses.

Blue underwear
with stars on 'em.

What made her put that on?

Look at the weapons
they give her.

She has a golden lasso that
makes you tell the truth.

What is she gonna do with that?

She's gonna catch a bad guy...

"Gotcha!"

"Damn, you got some big breasts.

I wasn't gonna say
anything earlier,

but this lasso has squeezed
the truth right out of me."

I was reading this
old questionnaire

when I was little,
and it asked us,

if we could have
the powers of any superhero,

who would it be?

It had the "a," "b," "c."

Superman, the Green Lantern,

and I'll never forget this...
"c" was Aquaman.

Now, who's gonna pick "c," doc?

Who would wanna be Aquaman?

I mean, the powers are
only good underwater.

What can you do under...

Okay, okay, I can see you're
swimming underwater,

that's nice, and you
can breathe underwater.

Okay, that gets a little
boring after awhile,

but then he
can talk to the fish.

What the hell would you wanna
say to a fish, doc?

Aquaman swimming around...

"Hi, fish!"

"Hi, aquaman!"

"Have you seen anything
unusual under the water?"

"Hi, Aquaman!"

I think some superheroes
are prejudiced.

Not really r*cist, but just,
you know, prejudiced.

They only fight crime
for the real rich.

Well, I don't know
if that's true.

You never see Batman
in the housing projects

wasting his time.

Yeah, that's true.

Could see him now...

"Robin, didn't we park
the car right here?"

You cannot label everything.

I can try!

It's an expensive habit.

Dr. Katz, I'm working
really hard at this,

at getting good at this,

because this is a piece of
office equipment

that I have to master.

I know, but we've just spent
$350 just on the tapes

for you to learn this craft.

We need more.

I need to label the magazines.

Now, why would you do that?

See, that's a good example
of a waste of...

To update them,
because they're old.

You can't change the date.

Well, what I'm doing is
I'm going through them,

and I'm updating
the information.

Oh, Laura, Laura, Laura.

But my fear is that I
would be on my way to work,

and the battery would die,
and I would have a bike...

Couldn't you just pedal?

It's hard to pedal
with the battery attached.

Really?
I'm sorry, just asking.

The bike weighs nothing,

but the battery
weighs quite a bit.

Wow, interesting design of this.

And the other thing
about this bike

that I should point out
is because it's electrical,

that it's totally
pollution-free energy.

Wow!

And I did some arithmetic,

and I figured out that
by riding my bike to work,

over a period of six months,

I would save more than the
cost of that bike on fuel.

That's considerable.

And I have to leave
about an hour earlier.

That's ridiculous.

It's interesting, men seem
to do this at a sort of...

Forgive me for saying this,

but kinda at the point of life
that you're in right now...

My brother did that.

When he turned 40, he had
to have this red sports car...

Had to have it.

There's a similar... I think
the women are drawn to...

A woman sees me on this thing,

and she says, "Speed up!

Passing you on the right!"

I can't get enough of
this baby, it's a beauty.

That's the engine on the back,

what looks like a lunchbox,

is actually the battery
and the engine.

Handlebars are totally
adjustable to height.

That's good.

The seat can be raised
and lowered.

Laura, do you know
how long it took me

to get from the elevator
to our office?

How long?

Six seconds.

How long does it
usually take you?

Eight seconds.

If I knock off two seconds
every day, five days a week...

You'll get an extra ten seconds.

That's ten seconds a week,




It's just that we don't sleep.

Oh, sure.

That's the worst noise,
the most disturbing noise

a parent can hear in the
middle of the night is...

It's not a smoke alarm
or a burglar alarm.

It's that little
noise that means

that your child
is starting to wake up.

It's very subtle.

It's very quiet, and all of
a sudden, he's like, "Nee."

Oh, a chill goes down
your spine right there,

and at first, you're in denial.

You're like, "Could have
been a car horn."

About a minute later,
it picks up steam.

It's like, "Neeeee."

Shut the door and turn
the air conditioner on.

It's hot, I'm hot.

Where's my walkman?
I'm not getting up.

I'm just too tired...
I'm just tired of the kids.

I can't snap out of it.

I fell asleep driving the car.

I did that little neck dip,

that nanosecond of sleep
behind the wheel of the car

that just scares the hell
out of you.

So terrifying.

I was just cruising, and like...
"Ah, holy... I'm driving!"

And the weird thing is,
as frightening as it is,

I did it again
a few minutes later.

You've had a brush with death,

and I'm still drowsy after that.

How does that happen?

If a b*llet came
through my window,

would I fall asleep right after?

"Tomorrow, I'll
look at it, honey."

You know, this bike
doesn't ride as well

as I thought it was going to.

I mean, the electric thing
hasn't kicked in yet.

Maybe I have to take it outside.

Probably.

If you wanted to
take 15 minutes,

you could come out
and watch me do it outside.

No, Ben, I hate to put
a label on you,

but you kind of asked for it.

Ow.

I like to go out to eat,

which is even more
annoying for me.

I like to go out for breakfast.

Breakfast can be the most
annoying meal for me,

because I need orange juice.

I like orange juice, but
I need a normal-sized glass.

I don't know what
kind of shortage

we have in our country.

You don't get this... this'll
never be your juice glass.

Trust me, this is
how they deliver the juice

to the restaurant.

"We have a juice delivery...
Your juice is here.

"Get the hand truck, Fred.

You gotta bring that
to the loading dock."

I always tell the waitress,

"Please, I need a large,
large, jumbo juice."

I don't know how
to stress that any more.

No matter what you say, it's a
thimble, a thimble of juice.

My wife ordered a "small" once.

They came around
with a damp rag.

"I should have
got the large."

You know, if you wanted,
you could be my biker chick.

We could get on
the bike together.

We could maybe...

I don't think so.

We could drink out of
a bottle that says "xxx."

And we could go on the open
road, and just go, you know?

And say, forget it.

I don't think so.

Or we could just, you know...

Okay, bye.

I almost broke my shower
the other day, doc.

It's so frustrating...
I have the shower where

you can't get an accurate
temperature setting.

My shower will be too cold,

so I'll turn it just
a millimeter, that's all,

just a, bing... too hot,
right there.

I've done nothing wrong.

You can't turn the knob
any less than that.

I try... I tried every
method of turning that knob

as little as possible.

Sometimes, I just brush up
against the knob.

Too hot... it's never
the right temperature.

It's the right temperature once,

while it's on its way

towards being
the wrong temperature.

You soap up your body,

and I have to wait for it
to come around.

"There it is, okay, there it is.

La, la, la, ow!"

And then it does
something very weird.

I'll turn it hotter, and it
gets a little colder first

and then goes to hot.

It's like the cold water
has to back up

and get a running start.

"Okay, hot."

Ben?

Hey, dad.

What do you think?

Couple of words about the bike.

Sucks... not good, bad bike,
waste of money.

Looks bad, people laugh at it.

I go by, I ride, the engine
doesn't kick in.

Couple of words about the son...

Not supportive, unkind,
peeing on my parade,

maybe a little
jealous of my bike.

I'm not jealous, dad.

I was riding it,
and what happens

is when the engine kicks in,
it goes slower,

because it, like, resists.

What I was also gonna say, dad,

is it doesn't do well
down sets of stairs.

No, it's not a...

It's not, like, a mountain bike.

No, it's a road vehicle,
it's not an off-road vehicle.

'Cause you know, when you do,
the electric part...

- Yeah.
- Snaps off.

You don't mean that
it literally snapped off?

Well, I mean, hypothetically,
it would,

and literally, it did.

Ben, we're gonna have to talk
about this more tonight,

and I'm hoping that you
realize that you've made a...

Hello, Ben?

You know, dad,
maybe it's just...

This is a purchase that
was more about you,

and I'm not gonna
necessarily jive with it.

Yeah, you don't have to...
You know.

It's like when
we got you that waterbed.

You wanted me to celebrate

and roll around and ride
the waves with you.

And you weren't into it.

Yeah, I was not into it...
I'm not a waterbed guy.

Maybe you're not
an electric-bike guy.

I have the feeling that
when I wasn't looking...

I was in there
a couple of times.

That's what I thought.

You know what, though, dad?

What I am sorry about is
making fun of your purchase.

It's not the making fun of it

so much as the mangling of it
that really got to me.

I just think there's
been a lot of bad inventions

that have gone the way
of the dodo.

No, actually,
the dodo is coming back.

Is it?
With a vengeance!

That's an invention!

Dad, I know you
have your own agenda.

Yeah.

I just think it's stupid,
that's all.

Okay.

Maybe it's not all bad,
the whole racism thing.

Maybe I'm making
too much out of it.

Sometimes, it's actually
worked in my favor, doc.

Like the time I was on
a plane, coming from London.

My plane gets h*jacked...
Very scary.

Everyone thought
they were gonna die,

except for me, doc.

I knew I'd make it...
Not because I'm brave,

I'm just... I was just the only
black guy on the plane.

We all know the facts.

A t*rror1st has never
taken a black hostage

in the history of the world.

I have never seen that.

These t*rrorists are smart, doc.

They know what they're doing.

I hate to say it,
but black people

are bad bargaining chips.

Well...

You know, a t*rror1st would
call up the White House.

"Hello? Hello!

We have got
five black people...

Hello?"

Who's the weirdest?

Any weird guys sitting
in this waiting room?

Hmm.

Which patient
smelled the weirdest?

Um...

Hello.

Hello, Ray.

I remember when
we stopped last week,

you were telling me about

the roles you play
in your household.

Yeah.

You were the noise checker,
is that right?

Noise checker and bug k*ller.

You got promoted.

I don't know why women
think men like bugs.

I'm squeamish.

The other day, my wife screamed,

and I ran up to the bathroom,

and this thing frightened me.

I've never seen a bug
that large... it was gross.

We had a huge bug...
It had graffiti on it.

It was one of those rare bugs,
and she's hysterical.

"k*ll it... don't look
at it, you k*ll."

And I don't care
how brave you are,

you don't just rush in
and k*ll a bug like that.

You gotta plan it all out.

You gotta, hey, what if
I swing and miss?

I don't know if he has the
gift of flight, for one thing.

And then she told me,
"Spray it!"

Most women think any
aerosol can can k*ll a bug.

Hairspray, deodorant,
she's telling me...

"I've k*lled bugs
with deodorant!"

Yeah, I'm trying to k*ll
a monster with deodorant,

and all I could find
was the roll-on.

"No, this crap ain't working.

He likes it, he likes this!

Look at him... oh, he wants
his tummy done... beautiful!

It's not working, honey...
He shouldn't be purring."

I'm sorry, Ray,
we're gonna have to stop.

So you got the bug, right?

Yeah.

What's that thing
crawling up your leg?

Oh!