- So, dad, how do I look here?
- You look great...
Is the collar too big?
It's one of your old shirts.
No, it's not too big.
Well, the shirt's too small,
but the collar fits.
No, you look nice,
you look really nice.
Do you think the handkerchief
in or out?
Why are you so dressed up?
What do you mean,
"Why am I dressed up?"
I have my interview at
broadcasting school
this morning, dad.
Oh, is this is the thing that
you were telling me about
a couple of months ago...
This is the thing
I signed up for.
Yeah, with the broadcasting.
The broadcast school.
I'm going out to
meet them today.
Hey, good luck.
I think it shows
a lot of ingenuity.
I have to read in front of
a whole panel of experts.
Don't let them intimidate you.
The problem is I'm
a little nervous
about putting my voice out
there in front of everybody.
Well, you have a unique voice,
and a unique way of
expressing yourself.
So you should go in there
feeling very good about it,
you know?
When you come out,
I think it's gonna be tough.
Do you have something
to bring with you
to read to them or they...
They provide you
what I call copy.
What do they call it?
- They call it copy.
- Oh, I know.
That's like an advertising term.
It's not just about that.
It's about developing a
relationship with your public.
Sure.
It's about articulation.
Say that with me.
Articulation.
Articulation.
Well, that's not great, but...
You see, there's so many
ways to say one word.
When you're a
broadcaster, you'd know that.
Well, get back to me when
you're a broadcaster.
To be honest with you, dad,
it's about finding
your own voice.
I bet the mic
comes in handy for that one.
Shut your damn wise mouth.
Hey, can I use that?
About the mic?
- That'll break the ice.
- Oh, sure.
I think if I can stick
a joke in there somewhere,
they'd think I'm a fun guy
to have around the booth.
You'd better get out of here.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Nope, I'm off...
See you.
What about the
"Katz family good-luck hug"?
Yeah, I think we should
stop doing that, dad.
It's starting to
get uncomfortable.
Give me the old fist in
the chin, the little punch.
But we always hug before
you go on an interview.
Yeah, and I haven't
gotten a job yet.
- It can't be the hug.
- Could be.
It can't be!
- It could be your breath.
- Could be yours.
- Give me a hug, will you?
- No.
Laura, do you believe in god?
Mmm...
'Cause I was just
looking in the mirror
and I was thinking,
"Only a god could
pull this one together."
Was that supposed to be
an ice-breaker?
Hey, baby.
You like my Latin look today?
What do you think of these
Cuban heels I got on, huh?
Remember I forgot my
shoes last time?
Well, this kind of makes up
for that, doesn't it, shorty?
The doctor will see you now.
First time a man ever wore
All right, I think
I'm gonna tip over.
Whoa.
It's really not me so much.
Can I level with you now?
I think I pretty much have
gotten it together.
I think I'm what they
call self-actualized.
- You know what my problem is?
- What's that?
People say I'm paranoid.
Well, maybe you'd
be a little paranoid
if there was a world
organization
bent on your destruction.
Is this your
UNICEF theory again?
You're not the one calling me
and hanging up, are you?
No.
Because it sounds
like your breath.
I lost my grandmother recently.
I'm sorry.
No, she didn't die...
We lost her.
She actually shrunk to the point
where we can't find her anymore.
I think she's
napping in the Kleenex box,
tell you the truth.
You know what cracks me up, doc?
Everybody talks about
the good side of things,
the bright side.
What's the bright
side to shrinking?
I'd like to know that.
Maybe I'll be able to stand up
in the back of a car someday.
Wow, I haven't had this view
since I was four years old.
- Hey, doc?
- Dom?
Can I bring my cousin Louie
in here next week?
You wanna bring him in
as some kind of evidence?
No, I just wanted to
bring him in
because he needs therapy
but he can't afford it,
so he would just,
like, talk in my ear,
and then I would say what's
the matter with him
and then you would talk.
- No, I can't do that.
Can we bring a bunk bed?
I have a retractable bunk bed
we could bring in,
and we'll both lay down.
'Cause I don't want him
laying on me on the couch.
He's too fat.
I could try to work out
a deal with the guy,
but I can't... I can't
see both of you together.
He has no concept of
himself, my cousin Louie.
He thinks the mafia's
after him, right?
He says, "Dom, I think
the mafia's after me.
The mob wants
to take me down."
I said, "Louie, you're
you have no money, no job,
you live with your mother.
The mafia wouldn't
waste a stale mozzarella stick
on the back of your greasy,
dandruff-filled head.
And I don't mean that
in a bad way, Louie."
I mean, some guys, no matter
what they look like,
they think they should
be going out with a model.
A guy could be...
I hate to use
the word "squat."
- No offense, doc.
- None taken.
He could look like
a reflection in a car door,
one of these guys who looks
like one of
Mary Lou Retton's brothers.
You know those guys?
Those kind of midgety,
dwarfy guys?
Doc, he has no
concept of himself.
We walk into a restaurant.
He goes, "Hey, Dom, I think
that waitress noticed me."
I said, "Yeah, Louie."
"What do you think that
noticed about you, huh?
Your big hairy,
sweaty beer belly
hanging over your belt,
or that mutant mole
coming out of
the middle of your forehead?
You think she wanted
to jump up on your tummy
and take love nibbles
off of that?
Huh, Louie?"
Can you help him, doc?
It doesn't sound like
he needs any help.
You're a better man than I am,
Dr. Katz, Dr. Katz.
A better man than I am.
Well, I don't know about that.
I saw a guy who had the opposite
of Tourette's syndrome.
In the middle of a curse,
he'd break into a compliment.
"You ain't nothing but
a dirty, stinking...
Nice shoes!"
- Dr. Katz?
- Yeah?
There's a message
on the machine that...
It's from Ben, but I think
you probably wanna hear.
Okay.
I'm gonna step out, 'cause I
don't wanna hear it again.
And when we come back,
we'll be talking live,
via satellite, to somebody.
Somebody else who is somewhere
in another satellite area.
Back to you, Jane.
Jane, are you there?
I'm not getting you, Jane.
I can't... Jane?
I had my wisdom teeth out.
I didn't have 'em all out.
The dentist wanted me to,
but I didn't fall for that scam.
So I just had the top six.
Hmm...
I love to cook.
Y'know, I guess
it's okay for me.
You know it's the '90s
when a guy can say
he loves to cook
and it doesn't mean anything
more than he's a h*m*.
One good thing is I don't smoke.
I'm not a smoker.
I tried it in high school.
I remember when I stole
my father's cigarettes.
And he knew it was me,
'cause I jumped him in
the kitchen.
He got a really good
look at my face, too,
'cause the refrigerator light.
I went deep-sea fishing,
which was... it was not
what I expected at all.
"Day o' vomiting" is
what they call it.
You really have to
read the fine print.
I had no idea what I was
getting into.
And I took a
Dramamine just in case.
A half-hour into the trip,
I got sick.
The Dramamine was
the first thing I threw up.
This pill leaped out of my body,
jumped into the water,
and swam back.
Everybody on the boat hated me,
because I was catching
more with my bait
than they were with theirs.
"Hey, I think they like those
English muffin pieces.
Look at them go after
that stream of apple juice."
- Hey, Laura.
- Hi, Ben.
- How you doing?
- Fine.
Good... you look well.
Thank you.
You look really well, yeah.
Does my voice sound booming
to you, hmm?
Do you recognize
a healthy timbre, huh?
I'm going to my big
interview today.
I know.
Oh, my dad told you?
Yeah, I'm gonna be
a broadcaster.
I got the voice for it.
The thing about broadcasting...
It's all in the voice.
Really?
It's also a confidence
game too, Laura.
I mean, you can't
just go in there and...
You gotta be firm and you
gotta be sure.
My favorite people on
the radio, of course,
are the Morning zoo guys.
'Cause I'm more like
an entertainer.
I mean, there's
a lot of news out there,
but that's not what
people wanna hear.
You wanna be a broadcaster
who just tells people
what they wanna hear.
Well, I wanna be the guy
that, at any point,
in any conversation
I'm having over the radio,
I can press a button
and a wacky sound comes on,
like "a-ba-doing."
"Let's hear
that one again!"
Ba-doing!
I'm getting older,
Dr. Katz.
You know that.
We all are, everybody ages.
I sometimes wonder what
kind of parent would I be.
I don't know.
Y'know, probably the father.
I'm practicing to be
a father, though,
'cause I support
a child in central America.
Really?
I do, I send him $18 a month,
and I write
things on the checks,
like "Go to your room."
"Don't talk back
to me, little mister."
And my favorite one:
"Hey, catch!"
Yeah.
I didn't have a very strict
Jewish upbringing,
because I'm catholic.
My brother and I used to
make a lot of money
whenever it snowed,
'cause during big snowstorms
we'd go over to somebody's
house that wasn't shoveled
and slip and fall and sue them.
I believe in ghosts.
I should tell you that,
Dr. Katz.
You should know that about me.
I believe in ghosts.
I believe that for the first
my grandfather
haunted the room upstairs.
Then my mother told me
he lived there.
"That guy's alive?"
Then we could do like
a whole section on the news,
but it would be jokey.
What's going on in Washington?
Are those guys working for a
living over there, or what?
And I emphasize "or what,"
'cause they're not.
Well, good luck.
How about that Europe?
What are they doing over there?
Are they crazy, or what?
"Or what" would be
my big... huh?
Living with
someone is really tough.
After the first six months
of marriage,
I was still leaving my
socks all over the place,
and she was still bringing
home guys.
Sure, it's an adjustment.
Yeah.
So high school was a really
difficult time for you.
Was that right, Bill?
Yeah, I think...
I mean, I still owe
some homework.
That's how bad it got.
And are you in touch
with any of your
old friends from high school?
I wasn't very popular, I guess.
I don't know.
In my high school yearbook I
was voted out of the yearbook.
One time I ran for senior
class president
and someone sh*t at me.
Actually, Laura, to be honest,
I'm doing this
whole broadcast thing
because I just wanna be
the next guy
who gets to go, "Gooooooooal!"
Goal, goal,
goal, goal, gooooooooal!"
- You know the soccer guy?
- Yeah.
The Spanish guy?
Yeah, I wanna be that guy!
"Gooooooooal!"
I think he already is that guy.
- Hey, dad.
- Ben?
Yeah, I can't talk long...
I gotta save the voice.
How did it go?
I just got through
with the pre-interview.
I was actually a little thrown.
Well, you know,
this is the pre-interview.
It's not the interview.
What kind of stuff
did he ask you?
Well, he opened with,
"What have you done
prior to this?"
And that really threw me.
Hey, that's none of his
business.
I just didn't have
a decent answer.
So I said,
"Oh, this and that."
That should hold him.
Yeah, he just didn't
look thrilled with that.
Did he ask you for references?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And what did you do?
I just listed some of my
favorite broadcasters,
you know, some of
the old favorites.
Oliver Wendell Holmes.
All the best.
He said, "Do you have
any experience?"
And I said,
"You know I do."
You know, wink-wink.
Oh, dear, dad.
Yeah.
Why do I do this?
I had an idea
during the Gulf w*r,
when tensions were so high,
that if all the networks
would agree
just for one night to
substitute the word
"noodles" for "news."
And you'd have guys saying,
"Hoping your noodles
are good noodles."
"And now..."
"Good night
and good noodles."
"When we come back,
more noodles."
You see where
I'm going with this?
More noodles.
"Elsewhere in
the noodles tonight..."
Y'know, it would sort of...
Yeah, it would lighten
things up.
I'm not gonna mention that.
Don't.
I'm sorry I brought it up.
But if you do mention it,
give me credit.
That's all I'm saying.
I'm just starting to think I
don't have the voice for it.
No, Ben, you have a great
voice for broadcasting,
and I think, you know,
don't talk yourself out of it.
Let them do that.
And think about
a hook, you know.
All good broadcasters
have a hook.
Walter Cronkite said,
"That's the way it is."
What about "No news
is good news"?
I don't think that'll fly.
Who said,
"Good night and good news"?
Dan rather said,
"Good night and good news."
Who said, "Good yontif"?
What about this:
"Good night, and seriously
get some sleep"?
I think that's good advice.
I'm not sure it's
good broadcasting.
Who said,
"Good night and I love you"?
That was me, Ben.
Listen, you wanna get
a drink after work?
Hang out?
No, I don't think you realize
that would be...
Let me try to explain this...
Doc, you don't have to drink.
If you wanna smoke a joint or...
- No, you don't get it.
- What are you saying?
You're not coming out with me?
I don't think I should.
Come on, please?
Two guys like us, huh?
Dom, if you were a friend
and somebody I knew socially,
I would say, "Thank you
very much.
I would be
delighted to join you."
Look, I know an all-male
straight dancing place.
No tension,
none of that sexual tension.
'Cause I was thinking, doc...
I mean, maybe this
is way out of line,
but you know how these
gays are getting married?
Why can't straight guys
get married, huh?
I got a friend...
Mitch Gilbert...
He's a rich lawyer in New York.
Maybe I'd like to hook up
with him,
have him take care of me, huh?
And we would encourage each
other to cheat on each other.
And we would never ask about
each other's feelings,
and we would never care
if we were home or not.
That would be a great marriage.
We'd have social security,
tax write-offs and everything.
You know, that's not
such a crazy idea.
Will you marry me?
Please, marry me?
No.
I'll take care of you,
I'll make you happy.
Sure, you're saying
that now but...
Come on, doc, two
straight guys...
We can do it,
we can make it work.
Please?
Doc, look at this.
First of all, did you know
I had this kind of extension?
What's that?
What letter?
That looks like an "l".
You got it, big boy.
All right, what's this?
I am rounding myself off
to a letter...
An "o".
Okay.
I know you went to college.
Where am I now?
Got my legs spread
in the air like...
Come on, get me!
Do you really wanna
play this game?
What is it?
What letter?
I'd say it's a "v".
All right, what's this?
Who's your little bird?
What's that?
That's an "e".
You spelled out "love."
How do I feel about
Dr. Katz?
Who's my main man, huh?
Who's the guy that has brought
me to this point in therapy
where I can cry
for no apparent reason?
You have, Dr. Katz.
You know, sometimes
I'll be happy and laughing,
and then, all of a sudden,
I just burst into tears.
And then I get violent
and then I just get nauseous.
I don't think I should eat
hot dogs before I go to bed.
You know where I go for
pleasure, doc?
The graveyard.
That's where I go.
To see my poor,
deceased grandfather.
"Oh, yeah, you gotta eat
your lard, boy,"
he would also say.
"Have plenty of lard.
Bacon... make sure you eat
bacon with your lard."
Uh-huh.
My grandfather used to drive
me crazy when I was a kid.
What would he say?
My grandfather would
smoke these El disgusto
little muddy cigars.
He would have stubbles you
could grate cheese on,
stale stinky wine breath.
I was seven years old.
He wanted me to give him
a kiss for a quarter.
"Hey, boy, come here.
Give grandpop a kiss,
come here."
"Grandpop, you gotta come up
with some bucks for this kiss.
This is no small-change
transaction.
We're talking
endowment here, grandpop."
His latest fantasy is to become
a professional broadcaster.
- Like an announcer?
- Yeah.
But he's excited about
the audition,
and I'm not trying
to talk him out of it.
What, did he see an ad
or something?
They advertise on TV,
this place.
It seems a little...
Oh, yeah, I've seen those.
What's the word I'm looking for?
"Suspect"?
Yeah.
Ben said he was the only
guy who auditioned
who did not have a real
serious speech impediment.
Oh, no!
Did you ever have any
show-business fantasies
when you were younger,
either of you?
I had a strong desire
to be the ringmaster.
You know, the guy...
"Ladies and gentlemen!"
I love that guy.
When I was 15, my parents
took us to a circus,
a small circus
in the berkshires.
A small one?
Yeah, a traveling circus,
and they weren't doing well.
They had a low-budget
freak show.
They had a
two-headed tape deck.
Jeez.
Yeah, no fat lady.
They had a woman who was
premenstrual,
a little bloated.
They didn't have siamese twins.
They had two guys with
a joint checking account.
They had a bearded man.
And outside the freak show...
This is the thing that
really got me...
They had a guy outside who,
for 10 bucks,
would guess your temperature.
Ba-ding-dang.
You sound defeated, Ben.
I hate to hear you
talk like that.
Well, I just think that...
The guys before me...
They went in,
they looked confident,
and then they came out smiling
and they shook
each other's hand.
It was just like the pamphlet.
Yeah, they work there,
those guys, Ben.
Oh, really?
Those are plants.
It is a scam.
I'm definitely going.
You know how I love a good scam.
I think I realized it was a scam
when he said,
"Talk into the broomstick."
Oh, and, dad, I really
knew it was a scam
when afterwards they
said for 1,500 bucks
I could take
the six-week course
or for $2,000 I could just
get the diploma.
For 2,500 bucks they
threw in a set of speakers.
You know what I'm talking about?
Scam city.
- You're talking about...
- Scamville.
- Y'know, Scamburg.
- Scamarama.
The audition didn't go
as well as I thought.
Ben, I'm sure it went much
better than you thought.
Why are you being so contrary?
I'm just trying
to be supportive.
Y'know, you'd be surprised.
Sometimes when you're
caught up in this thing,
you can't really tell how
well you're doing.
What reason
do you have to believe
that it wasn't going well?
- I can't read.
- Oh, Ben.
You should have told me, Ben.
I was afraid to.
No, I'm kidding.
But within the text,
they threw in a whole bunch
of hard words.
That's not fair.
And then he said I had
a problem with my hissing.
So I went to the dentist
down the hall and, uh...
So I had bridge work done.
I came back in,
the hissing is gone.
That was $2,500.
Is that part of
the tuition, though?
The broadcasting school,
they own everything.
Oh, they're very
powerful people.
It doesn't end with just them.
Ben, you're never leaving
the house again.
Doc, you know what
cracks me up about boxing?
What's that?
The fighters... they try
and k*ll each other,
then they hug at the end.
What the hell is that about?
"I'm gonna k*ll you..."
bing!
"I was so wrong about you.
Come here, hold me, come here.
Let me grind on you.
Let me pull down your trunks
just to the top
of the cr*ck of your butt.
Hey, that don't make me gay
or nothing, does it?
I just wanted to let
some of that stench out!"
How come you never see
boxers cry?
How come you never see boxers...
You know what I think
the smart idea would be?
Act like every punch hurts.
Then it would throw
the opponent off.
"Ow... hey... ooh... ooh,
that was a bad... ooh, hey!"
"Hey, come on, not in the
face, not in the face."
"What are you, nuts?"
Then bang, bang, bang...
You know what I mean, doc?
Oh, did I hurt you?
I'm sorry.
Why do you play
these games, dom?
What's gonna come of it?
What's in it for you?
I really don't know what
comes of any of these games,
but I will say one thing.
Guess what you are...
You're it!
And you know what...
It's so funny,
because you, who
thinks you're so mature,
you hate being it, don't you?
Oh, you hate
being it, don't you, doc?
And you know because
it's a Friday,
and you know what that means,
you're gonna be it for
the whole weekend, mister.
Why do you think this game
extends outside the office?
Because it does,
because it's worldwide tag.
I called "No worldwide tag"
when you came in.
You did?
Our car keeps
getting broken into.
Ten times we've had it
broken into.
It's like they're picking on us.
The first time they broke in,
they stole the radio,
which is fine,
'cause that's what they do.
But then after that, there's
nothing in the car to steal.
In fact, the last time was
just a couple of weeks ago.
I was walking out of the house
in the morning,
and you could see the car
and the two front doors
are both a little bit open,
and there's nothing in
the car to steal.
Now I think
they're just using the car
to cut through, you know?
It's like it's so easy
to break into
it's not worth going around.
They just go,
"Hey, we can go through here."
It's a shortcut.
Either that or it's some
sort of theft-training-mobile,
where they just sit in there
with the new guy.
And go over things.
Whoops... Bill, you know
what the music means.
Our time is up.
04x36 - Broadcaster Ben
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A therapist struggles with problems of his patients, while dealing with the ones in his personal life.
A therapist struggles with problems of his patients, while dealing with the ones in his personal life.