04x40 - Closets

[bunniefuu]

Oh, god, what did you put
in this coffee?

Why, it's no good?

No, it's great.

Is there, like,
a vanilla in there?

- It's a hazelnut.
- Mmm.

I put an actual hazelnut.

Yumbo... I was gonna say,
"yumbo mcgillicutty."

What is a...?

When you were little,
you used to say...

Any time you liked the way
something tasted,

you used to say,
"yumbo mcgillicutty."

That wasn't me, dad.

Let me see some I.D.

Hey, we gotta do something
about this situation here.

I hear you.

This is, like,
the fourth day in a row

that it's taken me 25 minutes

to find a pair of socks
that match.

And you know I love
my thin, black socks.

They fit snug.

I can never find a pair
that matches.

- Well, do what I do.
- What is that?

I go buy singles.

They sell those in a big bin.

I just spend too much time
looking for stuff.

What I suggest is
we have Grace in, full-time,

every day of the week.

No, I can't afford to pay
somebody full-time

to come in here.

I think people do that,
they have live-ins.

I don't know, Grace is a...

- She has a distinct odor.
- Yeah.

That... once a week
is fine with me.

Dad, that's not nice.

You know, Julie was telling
me about these people

whose livelihood is
actually coming into your home

and redesigning
your closet space.

Well, not my space, then.

I mean, they can do it
to the other space,

but my space
is well plotted out.

Well, I think you might...

You know,
it's like a fresh start.

You know, maybe since mom
has left,

this place has gone to hell.

We do need a woman's touch.

Well, maybe just Grace
isn't enough.

I think that
if we want this place clean,

you gotta remarry.

That would be
the least romantic proposal

a guy could make.

"You have so many wonderful
qualities and appliances."

"Will you take..."

"Will you take your time with
the living room, please?"

I had to put my dog Petey
to sleep.

Jeez, I'm sorry
to hear that, Elayne.

People don't know how to express

their feelings, you know?

I think America really
needs greeting cards,

because no one knows
what to say.

Everyone says the same thing.

"You put him to sleep?
Oh, was he sick?"

"Oh, no, he was just getting
on my nerves."

That's... that's...

I mean, I did everything,
I took him everywhere.

I had such an expensive vet.

You know, I mean,
I go to pick the dog up,

and the new, young girl
behind the counter,

she says, "$3,000!"

The whole waiting room looks up.

The woman says,
"What did you have done?"

I said, "Well, apparently
the animal bought a car.

After I dropped him off!"

I used to wish my dog
could talk.

I used to dream about
his different voices.

And then I realized:
He's a dog.

If he gets the power of speech,

this is what you're gonna
have to listen to

for the left of your life.

"Throw the ball, throw
the ball, throw the ball,

throw the ball, throw the ball,

throw the ball."

"I threw it."

"Oh, throw it again,
throw it again,

throw the ball,
throw the... ".

"Look, don't say
'ball' again."

"Okay.

Cookie, cookie, cookie cookie,
cookie, cookie, cookie..."

You see some scientist
spent 20 years in the lab

inventing ice cream for dogs?

It's on the market, Frosty Paws!

He made it taste like vanilla.

Hardly selling at all!

Would have made it taste
like doody.

Dogs would be robbing
stores with g*ns!

You said "doody".

So these people will come in
and actually build closets?

Well, they build closets.

They also have
preexisting drawers

and shelving units
that they sell you.

- Mmm-hmm.
- It's a scam.

All right, good.

But some of them are
cheaper than others.

I can handle this.

This is a project that
I'd be happy to do.

Could you get a list
of names of companies.

That do this kind of work?

Get some estimates?

You know, maybe have some people.

Come in and look at the space?

They're listed
in the yellow pages,

and also you can call Julie.

And she can tell you the name
of the place she used.

All right, you know,
I can do this on my own.

You know, I don't need
your help on it.

That's what I'm hoping.

All right, who do I call again?

Julie?

You should try that.

Yeah?
Maybe you should.

I think there's certain things
that I don't wanna find.

They're better off lost.

You know, things like
my 32-inch jeans.

Well, your legs are
still 32 inches long.

Okay, it's the button
at the top.

Wear 'em sideways.

It's kind of...

It's like an archival thing,
though, isn't it?

When I put those on
and the belly hangs over,

I don't think archives,
I think "fatto".

You leave 'em hanging.

It's hanging, all right.

Oh, yeah!

You know what?

A lot of women actually like

a little bit of girth in a man.

Really?
I ain't met one yet.

Julie?
Back me up on this.

Is that true?

Julie, I'm looking
for your support here.

Should I look further?

- Well, Stan...
- What about my paunch?

I can't, I can't answer that.

Come on!

A guy who, with a little bit
of a pot belly...

It says something about the guy,

that he's relaxed about
the fat slob he's become.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And women like that.

Would you say that you use
the storage space

in your apartment wisely?

I'd say yes.

The reason I ask is because

I'm thinking about
having a guy...

Paying some guy to come in

and redesign the closet space
in my apartment.

- Really?
- Yep.

I mean, I think...
Yeah, sure.

Well, because I can
never find anything,

and I think it's just
an organizational problem,

and I can't fix it.

You can't?

No, because I... you know,
it's a jungle there.

It really is.

I've gone into my closet.

And come out hungry
and confused and cold...

Dehydrated.

Well, good for you.

I don't mean to be bending
your ear like this.

No, it's very interesting.

So how are we doing
for space here?

Not too good.

You know, we have a closet here.

- Where I put my coat, where
you put your coat.
- Yeah.

And what's that?

What is in the carton
that says "sweaters"?

What is that stuff?

Well, it's my winter clothes.

And what are those, your skis?

Mike Rowe.

I'm here to see Dr. Katz.

Could you take a seat, please?

What do you want,
the "Bossa Nova"?

Am I blousing okay?

I guess, Mike.

I'm not sure I'm the expert
on the subject.

I'm just feeling bad
about myself.

You know, there's
this thing that happens,

when you put on weight.

And you haven't seen friends
and family in awhile,

they don't know how to react.

They just kind of stare at you.

They're like,
"Hey, look at you!"

"No, you look good."

"Looks good on you."

"Not a lot of people
can pull that off.

But, you,
you look great."

It's like you did it on purpose.

People can't always find
the right thing to say

for every situation.

That's a very tricky area
you're talking about.

You're vulnerable,
and... you're very large.

Tell me about your dad,
you never talk about him.

My dad is one of these
Mr. Fix-it guys.

He's always gotta be building
something, creating.



he'll be locked down
in the basement.

He's there with the power tools.

"Eeeeehhh!"

"Dad, what are you doing?"

"I'm making breakfast!"

"Eeeehhh!"

My sister got married.

We had to lead him
into the church

with a broken toaster.

"Come on, dad, yeah, this way.

Come on."

My dad's a golfer...
Well, not really.

He watches on TV.

Takes the same amount of energy.

You get that sweat
going on that vinyl seat.

After, like, nine hours.

But this is what
I learned from that:

Anyone can be a golf announcer.

All you have to do is use
that voice you use

shen you call in sick at work.

"I won't be coming in today.

I have a golf game to announce.

I'll be in tomorrow."

I'm just wondering...

What if you're a golf announcer

and you wanna get out of work?

You know, there are so many
Elvis impersonators out there.

Why would you go into
such a competitive area?

See, I wouldn't do
any of the songs.

I would just do,
"Thank you very much!"

But I'd break it up, you know,

'cause I know people
would get bored,

but I'd make it exciting.

I would do, like, Elvis
picking up his dry cleaning.

"Thank you,
thank you very much."

Elvis picking up his food
at Burger King.

"Thank you very much,
this is the large, right?

Thank you."

Elvis working in
a movie theater.

"Thank you, cinema three,
thank you very much."

No more?

I don't do dr*gs.

I don't do dr*gs
because of the films

they showed me in high school
to scare me.

I don't know
if you've seen these,

but these are the ones...

They're made in, like, 1969,

hosted by Sonny Bono.
- Right.

If you haven't seen the film,
there's a kid at a party.

He has, like,
one hit of marijuana.

For the rest of his life,
he's a basket case.

He's gonna
hallucinate forever now.

He's like...

See, the music is
what's flipping him out.

"Agh!"

Hey, dad, status report.

So have you set up appointments?

I set up a whole bunch.

Oh, great, great.

Clutterers anonymous is coming.
Okay.

Closet case, coming today.

Space case, also coming today.

Oh, great.

Closet culture is not coming.

They went out of business.

Oh, that's too bad.

"This number has been
disconnected."

Did you try Clutter bug?

- Clutter bug's coming tomorrow.
- Okay.

Coming also tomorrow:
Mess America,

which I think is a non-profit.
- Right.

And I also called Rick's deli.

Rick's deli?

That was one
of the wrong numbers.

Okay, so what did you find out?

You know, this is
a little more complicated

than I first suspected.

I mean, you gotta
fill out a survey...

Oh really?

And a whole evaluation
about how you use your space.

- It gets pretty personal.
- Yeah.

- Can I just quickly ask you a couple
of questions, dad?
- Absolutely.

What is the first thing that
you reach for in the morning?

A six pack,
an ice-cold six pack.

You got a big problem.

We're gonna get you
a walk-in fridge.

Right there in the room,
and they will take care of that.

The first thing I reach for
in the morning, really,

I guess, is my glasses.

Your glasses...
Need a closet for them?

Ben, I will see you tonight.

- One more, one more.
- Okay, go ahead, quick.

Do you want a warranty
with that closet?

Is it a lifetime warranty?

And if it is, I'm 49.

I don't wanna
pay a full lifetime.

Okay, so have you heard back
from them yet?

The woman, the consultant,
is coming over at 3:00.

Okay, I suggest you straighten
up the house a little bit.

Well, isn't that her job?
You know, that's why...

No, no, no, because I
don't want her to think.

That we live like pigs.

Dad, I'm gonna show her
how we live.

Yeah, but don't show her the
part where we live like pigs.

I won't let her in,
I'll do it all in the hall.

Well, then straighten up
the hall.

But I think everybody wants
to have a good relationship.

You wanna give the other person.

What they want,
but the trouble is:

What does anybody want?

I mean, what do women want?

Women want someone...

- I think...
- Women want someone.

We just want someone,
we'll do the work.

Just give us someone.

See, I don't think it's fair
to generalize.

About what people want
based on gender.

I know what men want,
that I know.

Men wanna be really, really,
really close to someone

who will leave them alone.

Dr. Katz's office.

- Hey, it's Ben.
- Hi.

Have you ever, like,

completely redone
your apartment,

you know, to organize?

Well, yeah, once in awhile.

'Cause you strike me
as the kind of person.

Who doesn't organize well.

Why do you say that?

Just 'cause there's
always papers on your desk.

I'm very organized,
I'm a secretary.

Papers should be cleared.

A desk should
always be cleared off.

- Really?
- Who says that?

The closet people.

Well, the closet people
don't know desks.

That's like a new expression.

The thing about breaking up...

When you get older,

you just don't have
that kind of steam anymore.

You break up when you're young.

- You don't care.
- Sure.

Break up every other day
when you're young.

You got energy.

"That's it, ha!
You're lost!"

It's not just energy,
you have time.

And you have
that very high voice.

Then you break up
when you're older.

You go, "Oh, that's it.

Can't start shaving my legs
above the knee again."

Hey, Laura, do you fold
or ball your socks?

- Ball.
- Really?

Can I go now?

Not yet, I just have a couple
more questions here.

What's the first thing
you reach for in the morning?

You can be, you know, specific.

The snooze button.

All right.

Where do you keep your, uh...

Your delicates?

Bye, Ben.

You wanna hear the
childhood daredevil stories

my mother tells company?

"You know something?

Once a glass broke
on the kitchen floor.

Not one week later,

my daughter was back in there
with no shoes on."

Is that true, Elayne?

I'm not kidding.

My parents broke
a glass in 1954.

They sold the house in 85.

My mother warned the new owners.

She said, "I think I got
all the big pieces,

but there could be slivers.

You don't know, you can't know.

You don't, you can't,

you don't,
you can't, you don't."

So how did it go?

It was okay,
it was a little rough.

- I was nervous.
- Yeah.

You know, as I always am.

Meeting a new woman?
Face-to-face meetings.

So I think I panicked.

It was halfway through
the meeting...

I ran out and locked
myself in my room.

She knew so much about closets,

it made me nervous.

Yeah, you felt like you
were in over your head.

She had this attitude.

Like we needed
a lot of closet space.

Well, that's just their pitch

they wanna sell you
their services.

Well, she was good at it.

She made it sound
like we were...

There are desperate times here.

No one's gonna come in
in that business and say,

"You guys have it under control,

you don't need me."

Well, she did say,
"I would tell you if I'm lying

about how much closet space
you need."

- She said that.
- Yeah.

I mean, just out of curiosity,

which closet did
she recommend for us?

Take a look
at the brochure here.

Let's say, dad,

you're willing to spend $15,000?

We could get the Liberace,
which is right here.

Now, take a look
at this baby, huh?

No, this is not for us, Ben.

You don't wanna
have to get dressed up.

Just to go to your closet.

Well, actually,
we don't have to get.

Some of the high-priced
closet spaces.

- This is a blueprint of what she...
- Ben!

She said that
what she could do here

was actually convert
your bedroom space

into a walk-in closet.

Well, that would make sense
if we had an extra bedroom.

- Well, you gotta sleep on the couch.
- Yeah.

So let's be realistic here.

I think I'm willing to spend
as much as $1,200.

Did she show you
the $1,200 version?

Let me turn to page cheap.

This is the bottom of the line.

It's a box.

And you throw your stuff in it.

And you jam it in 'til it's full.

And then you try and close it.

Let's get two of those
and call it a day.

Done.

Wait, Ben, I'm not annoyed.

I just want you to explain
to me one more time

where I would hang up a suit.

You know,
I can hang up a jacket here,

but it gets squished.

You know, dad...

Where do I put my shoes?

You can't put 'em in here.

This is a very efficient use
of space

if we're rodents or something,

I mean, if we collected
little trinkets of things.

And who labeled this "left
cufflink, right cufflink"?

That's all part of the deal.

It all comes labeled?

Complaints, complaints.

Well, there's no room.

There's no space for me
to hang up

a pair of pants in here.

Dad, well, why are you
yelling at me?

They did it.

- Am I yelling?
- Yeah.

No, this is not yelling.

I'm just demanding
an explanation.

That's all.

Don't demand at me.

Am I demanding?
I meant to yell.

Ben!

You're not mad at me.

I think you're mad
at yourself for...

Raising you to be such a fool?

Well, that was part of it.

You know, you raised me.

And then you made this
big mistake with the closets.

I'm gonna stop the check.

I'm gonna try and stop
the check.

I don't think
it's too late to do that.

Dad, you don't wanna deal
with that closet company.

No?
Why is that?

- They have a legal team.
- Yeah?

I think there's a lot of stuff
that you've accumulated here.

That's really ready to go.

Well, I'll tell you what:
Let's play a little game.

You pick something up.

I'll close my eyes,
just say what it is.

I won't even look at it,
so I don't get too attached.

Just tell me what it is
and I'll say "yea" or "nay".

All right.

This shoebox filled
with 1969's tax returns.

Yea.

Keep it?

I forget what "yea" means.

I feel stupid,
I thought I was a smart...

I've got a computer.

I wrote an apology note
to my VCR

for ever thinking
it was difficult.

I mean, the computer...

I don't understand
why I can't do anything.

- And you know what?
- Yeah?

You find someone in this country

who can print out an envelope.

Okay, maybe the fifth envelope,

but you have to k*ll four
to get to the fifth one.

The first one comes out...

"Ooh, it's on the flap!
Oh, it's upside down.

Oh, it's on the back,
whoa, it's inside.

How did that happen?
Inside!"

"Thank you very much."

Thank you.

- I'm losing all my hair.
- Yeah.

No offense, doc.

None taken.

Being bald, though...

I think the only time
it bothers me.

Is if I become
a reference point.

- You know what I mean?
- Well...

Well, let me give you
an example.

I was in a restaurant,
some guys are talking.

I can hear 'em.

They go, "Joe, you know
where the men's room is?"

"The men's room?"

"Yeah, you see
that bald guy over there?"

"Yeah, the bald guy..."

"Go down to the bald guy.

Take a left,

and you'll see
the fat Chinese lady."

She's not always gonna be there.

But, Mike,
let's come back to that.

Tell me again about that
very unpleasant phone call

you had with that woman.

It was one of these
rejection phone calls.

I don't know if
you've been through this.

It's this thing where
your throat locks up

during the conversation.

So I'm on the phone,
I'm talking to her.

I'm going, "No, we met
at the party on Friday."

"I had, like, the blue shirt,
the yellow tie.

Right, the balding...

No, I just thought maybe
if you wanted to get together,

we can go out and see a drink,
have a movie, kind of...

I mean...
No, no, good for you.

No, moving out of
the country's nice.

No, that's a good thing.

No, I just figured I'd call.

'Cause we had
a good time at the party.

I figured give you a ring
and say, 'What the heck.'

get together.

But, no, good for you, yeah.

No, good luck to you.

Okay, all right, then.
Bee-bee-bee!"

This is not easy stuff
to talk about, Mike.

And I'm proud of you.

"Thank you,
thank you very much."

That sounded very good.

- That was very convincing.
- Thank you.

And we're gonna have
to stop now 'cause...

Our time is up.

"Thank you very much!"