04x43 - Alibi

[bunniefuu]

I think it's the smallest
cellular phone you can get

that's on the market today...
- Shh, shh, dad, dad.

Turn it up, will you?

They're showing our block.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

That is our block.

It certainly is.

We should be waving or
something, you know?

It doesn't look good on TV.

We should move.

Yeah, let me hear
what he's saying.

Authorities are looking
for the driver

of a late-
model four-door sedan

that collided with and destroyed
a U.S. mailbox,

at the corner of
North Sánchez and Jerome.

Eyewitnesses say the driver
of the sedan

was Caucasian,
bald and in his late 40s.

Yeah, that could be
almost anybody.

It is a mailbox,

I think they're overreacting
a little bit.

Well, I mean,
that's a federal offense.

Ben, why are you writing down
that number?

Dad, will you pass the phone?

Why is that, Ben?

Well, I'm gonna call them
and report you.

What do you mean?
Wait, do you...

Ben, do you think that I have
anything to do with this?

If I go outside and check
your car right now,

will there be a mailbox on it?

Come on, Ben, what do you think?

Yes.

I didn't hit a mailbox with
the car, and besides if I did,

I certainly wouldn't
run away from it.

One thing your
father is not afraid of...

What are you hiding underneath
that overcoat?

A mailbox.

You know, shame on you, I...

You know what?
Shame on you.

Why "shame on me?"
I didn't do anything.

Well, how could you
hit a mailbox

and then come right home?

How would you think that...
you're putting me in jeopardy.

Now I'm complicit, I know
about it, I have to call.

I have a responsibility
to the law.

You do what you gotta do, Ben,

but I'm telling you something,

if you pick up the phone,
I'm gonna k*ll you.

I find it extremely
hurtful that you would suggest

that in a million years

I would do something like that.

Do you find this hurtful?

Ow, yeah!

That's for what you did.

You should take responsibility
for hitting it. Ben, this is...

The least you could
do is compensate me.

You know what I'm saying?
Wink, wink.

You don't want me to call?

You're talking about
some hush money?

Well, I don't
know what it's called,

and I didn't hear you say that.

How about instead
of some hush money,

I just put a pillow
over your head?

- How about that?
- Suffocate me?

I'd have fun.

So, what's going on
with you, Jeff?

You seem a little what?

Take a look at me,
what do you see?

I'm a big guy, a big, big guy,
but watch what I say.

"I'm a little girl.

I'm a pretty
little girl."

I just thought I'd come in
and entertain you,

that's always a good
opening line, you know.

Jeff, it's your time.

What do you want to talk about?

Um, I was just in Florida
visiting my family.

I saw my grandparents.

My grandma, she's seen me
perform a few times.

She actually... one time,

she yelled out
in the middle of my show...

And I was bombing, I'll admit
that... but she yelled out.

"You need a new act!

This one's not good anymore,
they don't like it!"

And I told the audience,
"That's my grandma!" Mm-hmm.

Whenever I go visit her
with a friend of mine,

because they
have a beautiful pool

where they live in Florida,

and I'll bring a friend over,

she'll introduce them
as my boyfriend.

"And this is
Jeffrey's boyfriend."

And I'll say,

"Grandma,
don't say 'boyfriend.'

that implies that I'm in
a relationship, you know,

with this person."

So then she would
introduce them as,

"This is Jeffrey and his
friend Warren.

They're just friends."

I find myself lately
calling up sex party lines.

I call up and they put me
into a room

the last time I call up.
- Right.

And there's all these people
getting to know each other,

you know,
"What do you look like?

What color hair
do you have?"

That sort of thing, and
then suddenly I'll yell out,

"I love potatoes!"

And then they'll,
"Get off, old man!"

"Get off!"

You know, and I get quiet again,

and it builds and builds
and builds,

and they get to a point where,

"What if I
did this to you?"

"What if I did that to you?"
That sort of thing.

And just as they're about
to get there, I yell out,

"I love 'em fried, I love 'em
mashed, I love potatoes!"

Has anyone ever come to you

and just wanted to sit

and not say
anything and just be?

That hasn't happened yet,

but I can... I can see that
happening, you know?

And I also wonder if
I sit here, and I really...

Let's say, I convey something
really personal

that maybe you've
heard, like, 400 other times,

even though it's...
It's... it's

something that's new to me,

if you're thinking
about pottery,

or something along those lines.

Well, that's the... that's
the risk you run.

You're gonna have to
trust that I'm a professional

and that I'm interested
in helping you.

But what did you ask me?

Note to myself...

I wonder why Ben
refuses to believe me.

I think you're overreacting.

I mean, he's just
playing with you.

Yeah, you know I would
appreciate it, Laura,

if you would respect my privacy.

- Well, I had to tell you something.
- What's that?

Ben is on line one.

Hey, Ben.

Dad, destroying government
property is a federal offense.

You know what should be
a federal offense

is your attitude
towards your father.

That should be against the law. I
don't like your tone right now.

Well, my tone is gonna
kick your attitude's ass

in a minute... that's
all I'm saying.

I don't know you dad.

Ben, you heard the report.

It said he was in his
late 40s and he was bald,

so that...
How old are you?

I'm in my late 40s, but I got
myself a full head of hair.

I guess, I just
never noticed it.

This is... I'm
"bald-ing" if anything.

Right.

Now, Ben, come on.

Just accept the fact
that it's a coincidence

that this character...
But dad, I, you know...

He fits my description.

Even though you're my father,

I think I still have
a responsibility to...

Listen to me.

I did not collide
with a mailbox.

Listen to me:
I don't believe you.

Okay, now listen to me.

Believe me.

Dad, listen to me clearly.

I am gonna take you down.

And I'll tell you
something else.

You ruined a mailbox
in my neighborhood.

I live here,
and that's plain wrong.

Tony V.
To see Dr. Katz...

Unless he's busy, or he's
got something better to do,

you know, laundry, or...

I... I could leave.

You want a sandwich?

Oh, boy.

Maybe I'll go get you some
cheese or something.

I... I could just go do...

Just sit down.

I'm getting a little bit
short-tempered with

the traffic situation.

You ever get in
that traffic we got now

where you're driving,
and then you're not?

You're just going 60,
and then all of a sudden,

you're going nothing.

You don't even go, like, 50,


And then you go a half mile,
and you're going again.

And there was
nothing in the way.

I don't mind getting
stuck in traffic

as long as when I get
to where the problem is,

there's a problem.

Yeah, you want some
kind of explanation.

- Did you ever get in that
stop-and-go kind of traffic?
- Yeah.

You go a foot and you wait,

then you go another inch
and you wait,

you go to... the kind
where you let the guy

in front of you
go an extra 60 feet

so you have the illusion of
driving fast for a minute? Right.

You're all proud of yourself,
you go, "Whoo!"

I get to where the problem was,

and you know what was causing the traffic?
- What's that?

Cardboard.

Not even a cardboard box where
you could potentially go,

"Ooh, be careful, there
might be kitties in there!"

Which, for some bizarre reason,

has become my wife's biggest
fear on the planet.

Anytime we see anything
on the highway, she snaps.

"Oh, watch out for
the paint can.

There might be
kitties in the paint can."

"There are no kitties in
the paint can!"

"Oh, watch out
for the doughnut box,

there could be kitties..."
- "Kitties
in the... in the doughnut box."

There's no kitties!

But it wasn't even that,
just flat corrugated cardboard.

The only thing that
would have happened

if you went over
the cardboard at full speed

is this:

You would have been driving,
you would have heard...

And you'd have been on your way.

Dr. Katz' office.

Listen close and listen hard.

- I'm only gonna say this once.
- What?

I said, listen close
and listen hard.

I'm only gonna say this once.

Can you speak up, please?

I said listen close
and listen hard,

I'm only gonna say this once.

Okay? How are you?

What's up, Ben?

Has my dad made any, you know,

weird phone calls this morning?

No.

Is he lurking around as opposed
to just walking around?

- Uh, no more than usual.
- Right.

Has his posture changed?

Um, no.

You'd lie for him, right?

You'd lie for the man,
wouldn't you?

You know what?

You lie for the man,
you go down, too.

Ben, what are you talking about?

All right, look.

My father is in deep
shinola here, all right?

Has anyone been around asking
questions or anything?

No, no, not really.

All right, I can't
really talk about it now,

but the point I'm trying
to make, Laura, is that

last night I'm watching the
news with my dad, mm-hmm.

They report a guy, bald,
late 40s, hits a mailbox,

and then drives away.

It's, like,
a hit-and-run.

- That's a federal offense.
- It's a federal offense.

So I'm thinking now,
I'm a little nervous.

I'm sitting next to a guy who
probably just hit a mailbox,

I don't know what to do.

So I just pretend like
everything's all right,

and everything's cool.

I don't make a move.

Well, you know,
it probably wasn't him.

If my father goes up for this,
which is an expression

that you probably
don't know, but I do.

But if he goes up

to the hoosegow,

you know, I just want to tell
you right here right now,

that your job is secure.

I'll probably take over and
still schedule people.

- Great, right.
- You know?

Can you believe my father
hit a mailbox?

Mmm...

Can you believe they
reported that on the news?

I make a lot of phony
phone calls lately,

but not to strangers.

I don't think
that's very challenging,

making them to strangers,
you know?

Calling up somebody
and they answer,

"Hello?"

"Hi, I'm... I'm old!"

"And what can I
do for you, sir?"

"I've got a big, long beard
and I'm old!"

See, there's
no challenge in that.

See, for me, the challenge is
calling up my friends,

if I can fool my friends,
then there's talent in that.

My favorite person to fool
is my mother.

I called up my mom, recently,
and she answered the phone.

"Helloo?"

That's the way she answers,
no matter what.

"Helloo, it's 70 and
sunny where I am, helloo?"

"Yeah, listen, we got
your soap for you."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, you
ordered some soap?"

"I'm sorry,
I... I didn't order any soap,

I... I don't recall..."

"Ma'am, please, no attitude.

I'm a working man, no attitude.

You've got
a window of opportunity

between noon and three,

noon and three we will
deliver your soap."

"I didn't order any so..."

"Ma'am!"

"Well, what kind
of soap is it?"

"It's like butter,
it's delicious.

Delicious,
smooth and creamy."

"Well, it sounds wonderful,
but I didn't order any s..."

"Noon and three, that is your
window of opportunity."

"Well, I'm not gonna be home
between noon and three to...

Could you leave the door
slightly ajar?

Just leave it ajar
and leave out a sandwich,

roast beef, preferably,
on white bread,

no mustard or ketchup,

just plain,
that's the way I like it."

"I'm sorry, I did not order
any soap, I'm posit..."

You know what? It is,
my mistake, I apologize.

Your friend,
miss Shelley Lipnack,

she ordered you
your soap."

I know that Shelley Lipnack's
a friend of my mother's,

and I know my mother
will be calling her, you know.

And I'll say,

"Listen, why don't you
call her up right now?

Get it straightened up, I'll
call you back in ten minutes."

So she's calling up her friend,

"Did you buy me soap?
Did you order soap for me?"

Or even better, her friend's
not home

'cause she's still confused with
the answering machines.
- Right.

"They've got the delivery

and my window
is between noon and three,

and I don't want to have an
attitude, but they're hungry.

They're so hungry,
call me."

So I wait like ten minutes
and she answers the phone,

"Helloo?"

"Yeah, I'm right outside
your door with your soap.

I'm right outside
your door."

"Right outside my door?

You must be
on a cordless... thing.

There's no one there!"

"That's 'cause I'm hiding
in a tree, I'm up in a tree,

come find me, it's
a game we play.

No tip needed, just come on
and find me with your soap,

I'm up here
in the tree."

"In a tree, I... what..."

"Mom?"

Jeffrey, oh, soap!

Oh, god, I'm your mother,
I'm not a Guinea pig.

Why would you do... soap!
Wait 'til your father...

Soap, oh, god, why... you play
these games with me...

I've nev...
How's the baby?"

- Hi, dad.
- Ben.

Nervous?

No, no, I'm not,
as a matter of fact.

Really? I just called
to tell you that you did it.

Hey, are you confessing
for me, is this a new...

You know what? I thought
about it this morning,

and I'm gonna back you up,
I mean, if you want me to...

If you want me to lie
for you, I will.

I actually would appreciate it
if you didn't lie for me,

and you could
stop lying to yourself.

Lying is fun.

Okay, look, lie for me, but
there's nothing to lie about.

I was in the bar until...

I don't know, a little bit
before 11:00, I think.

- Right.
- I drove home,

hit a mailbox and came upstairs

and watched the news with you.

Now, will you back off, please?

Oh, you're talking
like a criminal.

You're all
screwed up in the head now.

You don't know what to do.

You're scared, I understand.

If I'm guilty of anything,

it's guilty of watching
the news with my son.

I just don't want
to see you go to prison.

I don't think you'd mind
that much.

I think what you would resent

is having to come there
and visit me.

I'm just worried
that if you go to prison,

you're going to come back
all, like, muscular.
- Yeah.

Those guys, they're all in
great shape, I'll tell you.

You'll have
all the... you know,

those prison tattoos, you know?

Can I ask you a question?

When you get your
first prison tattoo,

can it be my name?

You better believe it.

- Thank you.
- "Benny-boy."

Just put "Ben" on the wrist,

yeah. You know
those things hurt.

I think they play
basketball, and softball.

I don't know if they
play softball.

I don't think that's
the number-one prison sport.

All of the sudden, it
seems like camp.

- What, prison?
- Yeah.

It's a lot of fun.

I'll tell you one thing, Ben.

You know, prison is not
all it's cracked up to be.

You know, I've treated
some ex-inmates,

and they found it
confining, I'll tell you.

But, you know what?

This game is getting a little
tiresome for your dad.

You ain't kidding,
but I'm gonna still play it.

Are you in the mob?

There's a long black hair
in the bowl of peanuts.

Just pretend like it's nothing.

What is it?

There's a long black hair

in the bowl of peanuts.

In the bowl of peanuts...
Want me to get it?

No.

Want me to braid it?

I'm just gonna slide over
to my left one stool,

and I want you to follow
me in a couple of minutes.

Okay.

Ix-nay with
the air-hay.

- What are you guys doing?
- Nothing.

What are you doing?

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

Why are you moving away
like that?

What, like what?

Why'd you just move down there?

Huh? We didn't move
anywhere hair net.

Stretching.

Let's play "Who can find
the long black hair

in the peanuts?"

You go first. Is there a long...
are you serious?

Close your eyes.

Oh, my god! Oh, jeez,
you won already?

Ugh! You're so good at this.

Well, dad, apparently
you're off the hook.

I read in the paper

that the man who hit
the mailbox turned himself in

and received the swift
hand of the law... right.

You know,
a fine for what he did.

I'm taking this as an apology,

because I know this is
as good as it's gonna get.

You know, I'm kind of disapp...
just say the words,

"I'm sorry, dad."

No, not yet.

Let's wait on that.

Why is hitting a mailbox
a federal offense?

I mean, that's
a little severe, isn't it?

I mean, you know how many people
go up the river every year

because they hit a mailbox?

Uh, give me a hint.

Just that guy.

I'm kind of disappointed,
actually.

We need some excitement
in this family once in awhile

and I figured... I mean,
that was an exciting 24 hours.

I thought my dad was a criminal.

I could have written
one of those books.

"A memoir of a father who
walked on the dark side,"

by Ben Katz.

Then I'd be, like,
in parentheses,

"Yeah, the guy
who hit the mailbox."

I'd like to read that.

I'm just saying, it's not as
exciting to live with a guy

who doesn't do anything wrong.

Hey, I never... never said
I didn't do anything wrong.

Have you ever broken the law?

Broken the law many times in
my life, in the '60s, mm-hmm.

You couldn't really call
yourself a "man"

and not break the law.

What did you do?

Didn't call
myself a "man."

No, you know, i...
I marched on Washington.

Wow.

I was in a lot of peace
demonstrations.

You know, where else
where you gonna meet women

in 1965, you know?

You know that
famous prison riot?

- Attica.
- Yeah.

- You know that whole thing was
a misunderstanding?
-Really?

That the prisoners were
actually quite content

with the facilities,

and they were chanting,

"Adequate, adequate!"

I kid you not.

The media distorts everything.

They blew the whole thing
out of proportion.

But who else owes
who else an apology?

And I'll give you a hint.

Come on, Ben, just spit it out.

All right.

I apologize for... for
maybe jumping to conclusions.

Thank you.

Don't applaud that.

No, I've been
waiting for a long time.

I know it's not easy for
you to say those words.

Well, you know
I didn't actually say them.

Don't ruin a good thing, Ben.

All right.

I still think
you hit the mailbox.

She sounds like a loving wife.

There's somebody for
everybody, apparently.

She has me doing home
projects all the time.

I always got to go to
those big warehouse...

Those big, like,
Home depot, and...

The kind where they'll
give you anything.

I love those places because
you can go in and buy anything,

you don't even have
to know how to use it,

what to call it...

You could go into Home depot
and buy the side of a house,

no one would question you.

"I need the side
of a house."

"Left side
or right side, sir?"

"I don't have a clue,

I suppose, I should have
taken measurements."

- Hey, Laura.
- Hi.

Yeah, you know,
I gotta be honest with you.

This whole crime thing has
got me all fired up, baby.

- I'm all juiced, you know what I say?
- What?

You and me, we go on a spree.

- Just get in a car...
- Yeah?

We steal one, or we rent.

And then we just go, baby.

You know, like those
two criminals,

the ones who traveled
together, Romeo and Juliet.

Bonnie and Clyde?

Oh, Bonnie and Clyde, right.

See but we would do it
without all the v*olence.

- No g*ns.
- Right.

Maybe we could just make it
a shopping spree.

Yeah, that would be fun.

We could go to that place
that sells cinnamon buns,

you know, with all
the glaze on them?

I love those.

- You know what I'm talking about?
- Yes, I do.

Yeah, I could eat, like,
eight of them. Mmm.

A little pricey, though.

Okay, you know what? Hey, but
I'll tell you something...

I'll tell you something
about crime, Laura.

Um, there's gotta be a good
expression, there, somewhere.

- Crime.
- Doesn't pay?

No, that's not good.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, is Da-da in?

I was up in the woods,
I was up in New Hampshire.

I was riding around on
my mountain bike,

'cause I'm still
on my health kick.

And I get this thing in my head

that I wanna go see a moose.

So I'm riding around on my bike,

I turn a corner,
and there's a moose,

like, right there, right in
my face, and I'm going,

"Ahh, moose!"

I turned into, like,
an eight-year-old girl.

"Ooh, moose, moose!"

And the moose is looking at
me, like, "Yeah, I'm a moose."

What's the problem?

We'll get through this,
buddy, relax."

And you always
remember this, they go,

"If you're out in the woods
and you see a moose,

don't panic,

because they are more afraid
of you than you are of them."

All right, I've got two
things to say about that.

[A], you don't know how
afraid I am.

- And [2]...
- ...

How do I know I don't run into
the moose that has snapped?

That he has just lost it,

not a minute and a half

before I come
dopety-doping along,

he's going to his buddies,

"All right, that's it.

If I see one more human,
I'm eating him."

You know, I just try...

I used to answer the phone
at my house when I was a kid,

"Hello?

Hello?"

And my father would say to me,

"Don't answer the phone
that way.

Don't, it could be
the office calling."

And I thought,

"What does it matter
if the office is calling?"

Well... "It's not good,"
my father would say to me.

And so I'd say to him,

"What are they
going to fire you?"

Next day he goes in, "Gene,
we're letting you go."

Anyone who lets
their son answer the phone

as goofy as your son does,

they shouldn't
be working here."

So, Jeff, what do you think
the problem is?

No matter how
much weight I lose,

- I'm still gonna have a huge head.
- True.

You should see how people
react when I go to the movies.

I go to the movies and the guy
behind me will go,

"What's this? Oh, god."

And I think, "What,
should I deflate it, sir?"

"Should I deflate my head,
would you...

My wife brought
a pump with us."

You know what
the music means, Jeff?

It means that you're a very
unsettling therapist.

I am?

Yeah, to have parting
music playing.

Well,
that's... you know...

All right, play that
music again.

See, now I was expecting it,

I'm enjoying it and I'm leaving.

- Bye, you've been...
you've been good.
- Yeah.

I really appreciated you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Bye.
- Bye.

So I'm going out
this door right here.

That's right.

That's... I'm heading out.

'Cause you told me you were
looking forward to next time.

All right, bye.

Bye.