05x51 - Phone Luv

[bunniefuu]

This woman clearly
has her own agenda.

Well, you know...

It doesn't have to do
with you personally,

it has to do with her job.

You are her
dream come true, Ben.

I hope so.

Someone who thinks that she's
interested in you personally,

when in fact, she's interested
in you as a consumer.

You're saying, she's duping me?

Yeah, I'm saying
you're a big dupe.

I'll get it!

No, let me get that!

Hello!

Oh sure, who should
I say is calling?

Is that for me?

Yeah, it's Cindy
from Tele-purchase!

Oh, my main squeeze!

I love it!

Yeah, Ben has
told me all about you.

I'm Dr. Katz.

I'm Ben's father.

Oh, my god,
give me the phone, dad.

Don't embarrass me!

Ben, it's...

I know who it is!

It's Cindy, the one
you're telling me...

Well, give me the phone!

Okay, one sec...
Yes! Yes! Yes!

One second, I'll get him.

Can you... uh...

What?

- Can you uh...
- Out.

Through the revolving
door there?

Would you mind...?

I'm just finishing
my coffee... so...

Don't hit your fat ass
on your way out, on the door.

I'm not listening,
so just go ahead...

Dad, get out, now!

Why can't I be in
the same room as you?

I'm trying to get a little
privacy on the phone!

But we don't have any
secrets from each other...

If you wanted some privacy,
I would leave the room!

There's nothing
that you can't...

I don't want to have this
argument with you right now.

I'll have it with you later!

Right now I want to
talk on the phone.

Now is when I'm available.

This is costing somebody money,

so why don't you
get out of the room!

Why don't you treat your
father with a little respect?

Use the [beep] door!

Okay, but I don't
see why I have to leave.

Cindy, hold on one sec
'cause I just gotta...

Dad, get out!

Okay, I'm out!

This hurts my feelings, we'll
have to deal with this later!

Fine, we'll deal with it later!

Okay!

Dad!

What?

Come back!

Why?

I need your credit card!

Hey, Laura?

Yeah?

Do you have a boyfriend?

None of your business?

Do you wanna be my girlfriend?

No.

- Hey, Laura...
- No.

- Laura...
- No.

Lau...

No.

I'm a great boyfriend,

I would do everything for her,
'cause I'm whipped!

I never complained
when I got sent on errands!

That's how you know
you're a boyfriend, Dr. Katz,

when all you do is
get sent out to get stuff!

Well...

And you look forward to it,

'cause you get to see other guys
at the store, you know?

Uh-huh.

I'm walking around, I'm like,

"Hey, Stan!

What are you sent out for?

Let me see your note!

Oh, I need pads too,
let's walk together!"

And when you get
sent out to get something,

you'd better get exactly
what you're sent out for,

or you get sent
right the hell back!

To stand on line with
the other reject boyfriends!

And they don't want to
talk to you,

like the guy in front
of me, he's like,

"What are you here for?"

"Uhhm, I bought a Spanish onion
and I needed a yellow onion."

And he's like,
"What's the difference?"

And I'm like,
"That is not for us to ask!

I'm not even supposed to be
talking to you!"

Do you know that women
can only get pregnant.

Two days out of
every month, Dr. Katz?

Only two days!

And only one day
is the main day.

The second day, they're already.

Pulling down the gate
and closing up.

And a real tricky sperm
can kinda be like,

"I just want to talk to the egg.

I'll be right out.

I just want to see if my
friend's in there!"

Some guys have sex
with a plastic doll,

is there a name
for that, Dr. Katz?

No, not yet.

I would never have sex
with a plastic doll.

I'd feel so stupid, you know?

All my friends would be like,

"I'm really stupid,
I locked my keys in the car..."

And I'd be like,

"That's nothing!

Last night, I had sex
with a balloon."

Yeah.

And I know I would
get caught too, Dr. Katz,

'cause I'm always like,
leaving stuff out.

I know sooner or later,
I'd come home with a girl,

she would be really hot,
'cause I was on TV,

and we would walk in
and she'd be like,

"Oh, my god, what
the hell is that?!"

And I'd be like, "Oh my god,
I left Beverly out!"

The only way to get away
with something like that

would be to act like you think
it's normal, just be like,

"That's just a big plastic doll.

I have simulated sexual
intercourse with...

Hey, but enough about me!"

Well, hello, don't you look
lovely today, Cindy.

Well, hi, Ben, it's
Cindy from Tele-purchase...

I just said your name.

Uh-huh, I was calling
because I was wondering

if you're still interested
in that socket wrench set?

Ha, ha, ha!

You're funny, you must be...

We have a limited supply,

and I wanted to make sure
that all my priority customers

had the opportunity
to purchase one.

You really consider me...
That's sweet.

So then you are still interested.

In the 50-piece
socket wrench set?

You're like a lioness!

Because...

Because today's the
last day it's available,

and I will even throw in
a 100% teak magazine caddy

for absolutely no charge.

You know, that's
really not necessary.

I mean, children are dying,

because teak
is being made in Europe,

so forget about the teak,
but definitely the... set.

Oh, good.

So I'm ready to purchase.

Well, that's why I'm here today.

I'm not afraid to purchase...

Well, can I help you with
anything else, today?

You are spoiling me rotten,
you know that, don't you?

So, you were well-known
in the neighborhood?

My dad had a lot of
Irish friends.

They're nice people,

they're kinda scary with
the red faces and the red noses.

Look at you!

I know who you are!

You're Bobby Pinette's kid!

Well, you're a chubby
little kid, aren't ya?

Look at cha'!

I'm gonna give you a dollar,
what are you gonna do with it?

I know, don't even
bother to tell me!

You're gonna buy food,
you know why?

'Cause you're a chubby
little kid, ah, look at you!

Do something funny!

Do something, look at him
shaking his belly!

Clancy, come over here!

Have you met Bobby Pinette's
chubby little kid?

Hmmm.

Last time I got
really, really drunk,

I went to an Irish pub...

I mean, they make you drink!

You know what it is?

They play that Irish music,
it makes you drink!

'Cause I walk in and
I don't wanna drink!

They say,
"What would you like?"

"I'll have a ginger ale."

♫ Say come with your
uncle Mike, me' boy ♫

♫ And there's your sister Kate ♫

I'll have a beer!

Wait a minute,
I don't want a beer!

♫ There's Donny,
Michael and Maggie ♫

"Whiskey,
I want whiskey!"

I'll tell you the worst diet
that I was ever on,

you know the one where you
only have 3 shakes a day?

They say, "Oh, after a week,
you won't be hungry!"

Oh no!

After a week,
I was hallucinating!

I was a goner on the couch,
no chance of getting food!

I could've went like that!

A girl scout saved my life!

She came to the door
with cookies!

And she had the cookies!

You know sometimes they
don't have the cookies now!

They have that order form!

Yeah, the paperwork.

I hate that thing!

What, now you're gonna
go bake the cookies?!

You come to my house
at 8:00 in the morning,

you bring cookies!

She had the cookies!

I saw those chocolate mints,
I went, "Ooohhhhh!

I think you're gonna win the
trip to Washington this year!"

Have you seen "Free Willy"?

Uh, no.

Promise me, you won't see
"Free Willy II"

before you see
"Free Willy I."

You have my word.

I liked "Free Willy I,".

But they had "Free Willy II," "Free
Willy III," "Free Willy again",

I mean... he
keeps on gettin' caught!

"I let you go once, I can't be
doing this all the time!

You're hard to sneak!"

You'd think he'd learn.

Yeah, absolutely.

You know that
real-life Willy?!

They built him a
state-of-the-art t*nk in Oregon!

And they had him in Mexico City!

So they built him this t*nk,
you know about this?

No.

They built him the
state-of-the-art t*nk in Oregon,

now they have to get him from
Mexico City to Oregon,

how do they do it?

Uhhm...

They UPS'd him!

That was my next guess.

That guy had
a bad route that day!

"Let's see what we have
in the old truck...

Oh Jesus!!"

I'd hate to carry him
up the walkway!

"Oh, god, I hope they're home.

If they're not home I'm gonna
leave him in the screen door!

You wanna hit the doorbell with
your flipper there, Shamu?"

Ben... and you know how much
I'm anxious for him

to cultivate
a relationship with a woman?

Sure.

He is involved with the woman
who he met on the phone,

who happens to be in the
telemarketing business.

He fell for a salesperson
on the phone?!

It sounds crazy when you say it!

He doesn't know her!

He doesn't know her
but he called her up...

Right...

And he misconstrued
her very playful tone...

Right.

Which... I'm sure is
part of her sales pitch...

Sure!

For, you know...
For seduction!

He thought that she was
coming on to him,

when in fact she was coming on
to him in "The sales way"...

Ohhh... and he
got flambozled...

And he bought it...
Hook, line, and sinker!

In fact, he bought
a hook, line, and sinker!

Whoo!

Dad?

Yes.

Hey!

Hey, Ben, what's up?

How are ya?

I'm good, what can I do for you?

Just a quickie...

Uhh... I have some good news
and some better news.

What's the good news?

Well, the good news is...
The visa's tapped out.

And what's the better news?

Ohh... you have
other credit cards!

Well, first of all,
the visa can't be tapped out,

because I pay my bill...

I think this is more of
a recent development.

Because, uhh...
I just got denied.

Which by the way
is embarrassing.

Did they say why
the card was denied?

Uhhm, I just assumed it
was from excessive spending.

I haven't been spending
excessively, Ben.

I know and I think
that is a good thing,

so I spent a lot.

I don't like the turn
this conversation has taken.

I didn't think you
were gonna love this one.

I just don't understand why.

You don't up your credit limit.

Because I think a
$5,000 credit limit is fine.

Dad, not anymore,
that's not fine.

You're a man of means.

I am a man of means.

And I can turn, very quickly
into a mean man of means.

If you're not careful, Ben!

First of all, lower your
voice to a whisper.

Okay... why,
who's listening?

I just like it better.

Okay, if you would like
to have a card with a...

I can't hear you.

Ben, you're really
getting on my nerves!

I'm starting to
piss you off, aren't I?

Yeah, a little bit.

I'm starting to get recognized
on the street, Dr. Katz!

From all my TV shows, like I was
walking on the street,

this girl came over to me,
she's really hot,

she was wearing those nails
with the designs on them...

And she came over to me
and she's like,

"Hey, I saw you
on Letterman!"

And I'm like,

"Oh, my god,
I'm gonna have sex!"

So, I'm like,
"Really?"

And she's like, "yeah"
and then she's like,

"Can I ask you
a question?"

And I'm like, "Yeah?"

She's like,
"Are you Ret*rded?"

Dr. Katz, I was actually
fired as a Denny's dishwasher.

Geez, I'm sorry to hear that.

That's sad.

They don't fire anyone, they
didn't even know how to fire me,

they had never done it
in the history of Denny's.

They just sent me out
to take out the garbage.

And then locked
the door behind me.

And I'm like, "Let me in!"

And they're like,
"Go to Wendy's!"

It sucks being
a small guy like this,

'cause I can't
fight anyone, you know?

Yeah.

My neighbor keeps
his music very loud,

so I had to go upstairs
and be like,

"Excuse me, can you
please lower the music?"

And he's like,
"Are you an idiot?"

And "I'm like,
heh, heh, heh yeah."

And what I really
wanted to say is,

"How about I just knock
your teeth down your throat.

You moron!"

But you know,
my body can't back that up!

I've often thought about jumping
him when he turns around,

but then, he would just be like,
"You want a piggyback ride?"

Laura?

Yeah?

I have a favor to ask of you.

A favor?

I need for you to get a company
called "Tele-purchase Inc."

On the phone for me.

Okay...

Because I tell ya,

sometimes you just need to
take the bull by the horns.

And protect the ones
you love, you know?

Right, do you have the number?

No, that's the part
I was hoping you could do.

Find the number,
get them on the phone...

Dr. Katz, if you had
picked up the phone.

And done that while
you explain that to me,

it would've been done now!

That's true.

Laura!

Hi, Ben.

Laura, how are ya?

Fine.

You look busier than a bee...

Hmmm.

Huh?

Making honey, ha, ha, ha, ahhh,

you're good at
what you do, Laura!

No question about that!

I tell you, I'm in a
particularly good mood today!

Great!

Did you notice?

Uhhh...

Do you wanna know
why I'm in a good mood.

Or you just wanna...

Do your typical ignoring me
thing, which is getting old.

Umm, how about
just one more time.

So, Cindy, this is
what's on my mind...

Yeah.

This has more to do not so much
with the quality of the...

My point is, my son,
Ben, who is 25-years-old,

still very much a child...

Oh, I can't take credit
for all of that,

but thank you for saying that,
that's very sweet.

Yeah?

That's totally unnecessary
for you to say that, but umm...

No, I haven't heard that before.

We've spoken uh...
A bunch of times, and...

I've bought stuff from her,

which I think is a good thing...

And, she's great, and
she likes me, and I like her...

More... than she likes me...

But that's gonna change,
everything's gonna work out!

Hmmm.

We are at that weird point
in any relationship,

when we don't know much
about each other, yet.

So everything is
fascinating, mysterious...

Well, that's great, Ben!
I'm very happy for you!

ES mi padre in?

Si.

Well then, adios!

I hope you find
happiness, Laura!

No, that sounds uh...

No, I don't think anyone's
gonna b*at that price!

So, listen!

I have your number and you know
how to get in touch with me,

and we'll pick this up...

Uh, dad?

Okay, so we'll reschedule,
thanks very much!

Hey, Ben!

- Dad!
- Yes!

Who were you on the phone with?

I was on... somebody was
just cancelling and then

I just rescheduled
them, uh... Cindy.

From Tele-purchase Inc.

Oh, really, you were
talking to Cindy.

I want you to know that even
though it doesn't look good...

You're talking to, Cindy from uh...
Tele-purchase?!

Right.

Dad, what are you doing?!

Uhhh...

Good answer.

Even though it doesn't look
good, I just want you to know...

That it doesn't
look... great!

Why would you get involved?

Well...

Don't you think that's
humiliating to me?

I can think of


Well alright, so I
spent $1,800, total.

Uh-huh.

As your father, I was a
little concerned that.

She was perhaps taking
advantage of you.

I'm not in my early 20s
anymore, you know?

Uh-huh.

I am an adult.

And I can handle myself,

I can fight my own battles.

Right.

I can do my own laundry.

Well...

And if I want to make telemarketing
purchases over the phone,

I don't need my father
to butt in, alright?

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to the arcade!

Okay!

Don't forget your
stack of quarters!

Alright, see you
at home for dinner.

So, anyway, I'm apologizing
because I don't think...

That's fine.

It was appropriate for me to
flirt with her the way I did,

especially in front of my son...

I wish I had known
you were there.

So, your line at this point is,
"Apology accepted."

Oh, oh, you're
giving that to me!

I'm hoping that you would find
it in your heart to forgive me.

Because I behaved in a
really reprehensible way,

and I think I need
to be reprehended.

You know, dad, I...
Do accept your apology...

None taken.

Yeah, I gotta be
honest with you, dad.

Uh-huh.

Let's put it this way,

I think you and me both
know women pretty well...

Uh-huh.

And uh... you and Cindy
had a thing...

♫ Doo-dah,
doo-dah ♫

but, you were not in the
Tele-purchase gold club, I was!

And Cindy arranged that for me,

which means, I'm better
and Cindy liked me more.

So, now what?

Well, you know how it went down
with me and Cindy, dad?

No, I don't.

It did go down.

Yeah?

I talked to her this afternoon.

After you talked to her.

I said right off the bat.

That I wasn't interested
in any more products.

Why did you tell her that, Ben?

I don't quite get that.

Because it was sort of a
test of our relationship.

And how did she do?

It wasn't one of
those kind of tests.

Uh-huh.

It was more like
a double-blind test.

Well, it wasn't
a double-blind test...

Like a round-robin
tournament?

Well, it wasn't like a test.

Ben, what are we talking about?

I have no idea.

You know, I have a
friend from Scotland...

Yeah.

The Scottish dialect's
hard to pick up.

I mean, he has a
couple of drinks in him,

we didn't know what he's saying!

We just agree with him!

"So where do we
wanna go now?"

"Okay, we'll follow you!"

I have a couple of cocktails,
I know what he's saying again!

"You got'a do'it right'a'way,
or you're gonna get in trouble."

"Aye ya'right and you're a
cheeky monkey for sayin' so!"

What did I say?

What did I say?

Have you been out
for Indian food?

Yeah, I enjoy Indian food!

Ohh, little spicy!

Well...

I mean, spicy is
a relative term!

Spicy can mean, "Oh geez,
I burnt my tongue a little bit."

Indian food's more like,
"Aaaaaaaaaagghhh!"

Now you figure though, Gandhi,
went on that hunger strike!

Right.

But he did it in India!

Now, the food
isn't that great there!

Could he have gone on a hunger
strike if he was in Italy?!

Probably.

It would've been harder!

Oh, I see what you're saying!

I will fast until all muslims
and hindus are at peace,

if necessary,
I will die in this cause...

Is that eggplant I am smelling?

Oh, and pasta fagioli,
yes, I'd love some!

Do you like Italian food?

Love it!

Oooh!

I have this little
Italian place I go to!

I spoke a little Italian,

their waiter, just from Italy,
what a nice guy!

I knew a little Italian and
he thought that was so nice!

What do you know
how to say in Italian?

I know how to say,
"Feed me, I'm hungry!"

I said, "Luigi, sono affamato".

He got such a kick out of it!

"Sono affamato!

Look at you, sono affamato.

Hold on one minute, Giuseppe!

Come in here!

What you say to me,
say it to Giuseppe, go ahead!"

"Sono affamato"

"Sono affamato,
look at you!"

Now I think, I might be
in a little trouble here,

I mean, they're
dancing around...

♫ Sono affamato ♫

and no matter
how much you eat...

"Hey, what's the matter,
you don't like?"

"I don't like?!!
I had 14 plates!

That's 'like'!"

...'cause I don't
wanna go to jail,

have you ever been
in jail, Dr. Katz?

I... I spent one night
in jail during the '60s.

Oh, my god, really?

Yup.

Were you scared?

A little bit.

Did you meet anyone special?

No, I did not.

'Cause that's what I've heard
goes on in prison, Dr. Katz,

I've heard that
the other cellmates...

'Cause they have
nothing to do...

'Cause they just play
shuffleboard all day.

So they come into your cell
and they're like,

"Hi, welcome to prison!

We're gonna have
sex with you now!"

And you can't be like,

"Oh, no thanks,
I'm just gonna read!"

Uh-huh.

'Cause they're like,
"Well, you can read,

but we're still gonna
have sex with you."

I don't wanna just be famous,
I wanna be rich,

I wanna be like,
super-rich.

So I can buy anything I want.

Like if I'm walking on the
street, and I see a dog I like,

I can be like,
"I wanna buy your dog!"

And the guy would be like,
"My dog's not for sale!"

And then I'd take out $100,000.

And be like...
"I think I'll call him Harry!"

And he'll be like,
"Go to your new master, Harry!"

Oop, you know what
the music means.

We're gonna have to
stop now, Mitch.

Not today, let's go longer.

I'm sorry, our time is up.

I hate you.