05x52 - Chain Letter

[bunniefuu]

Boy, it is great
to start the day

with something warm and mushy.

What's that suppose to mean?

I'm talking about
the cereal, Ben!

Oh, the cereal!

The farina.

The farina, yes.

The thinking man's... Oatmeal.

Dad, you're like,
so terribly predictable.

Do you know how many
times you've said

"Farina, the thinking
man's oatmeal" joke?

Yeah.

Yeah, there's the "yeah".

Ben, keep your hands
out of my farina, please?

Oh, see, now you're
gonna be defensive and...

So what do you got
going on today, Ben?

Oh, here we go,
changing the subject...

What've you got going on today?

Why the tough questions?

Why am I supposed
to deal with that now?

Just let it happen naturally.

There's a whole wide,
wide world out there...

Ah, not this speech again!

This is not the one that
you think I'm gonna give you,

do you think I'm gonna
give you the one about...

There are 3 "Wide, wide world"
speeches you've given me...

There's
"Wide, wide, world" speech...

Oh, man!

Number 4, I'm working on it!

No, well, do change it up,
'cause I'm sick of it!

You just gotta do
what you gotta do, Ben.

Dad, I bid you adieu.

I see you an adieu,
and I raise you a toodle-loo.

Yeah, uh, Laura?

Can I ask you a question?

Hmm?

W-w-why don't
you like me?

You seem like you don't like me.

Like I, I come in here

I try to be nice

and you look at me with
that angry disapproving look!

I know, are you
one of those girls

who likes guys
who are hard to get?

That's it, okay, please
ignore what I said before!

I don't care about you!

I don't even notice you!

I don't notice you!

I'm walking around the room,
I don't notice anyone!

Hey, Laura!

Ask me what I'm thinking about
right this moment!

Go ahead, say, "Gilbert,
what are you thinking about?"

Gilbert, what
are you thinking about?

Not you, Laura!

You know, you might
not realize this

but my parents were Jewish.

No...

I know, you probably think

"Well, that's very strange
because you seem like

a tall barrel-chested
Norwegian gentleman!"

Actually...

But my parents
actually were Jewish

and filled me with guilt.

Hmmm.

I had to take
the blame for everything.

It's like, my parents would
walk into the room and go,

"Look! Look! Look!
It's nighttime out!

You know why it's nighttime?

You did that!
You did that!

You couldn't be happy
having it daytime,

so you had to
make it nighttime."

"You know president Lincoln?

He's dead!

You know why he's dead?

You did it!"

I also knew the Beatles when
they were getting together

and they couldn't come up
with a name for their group.

In fact, they
came to me and said,

"We have a group, we don't know
what to call it.

We're thinking of calling
ourselves...

'5 nice looking young men who play
musical instruments and are not Jewish'"

and I said,
"I think it's a long title

and I think it's information
that is not necessary."

And they said, "okay"...
Came back to me

the next day, they said,

"We're thinking
of calling ourselves

'4 guys, we've got long hair,
we're nice gentlemen

but we just so happen
not to be Jewish!'"

and I say, "I really don't think
that information is pertinent!"

Finally, they came to me
and said,

"We're gonna call ourselves
'The Beatles'!"

I said,
"That's a great name!"

And then they said,

"...who just so happen
not to be Jewish".

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura?

Hi, Ben.

Can I take a minute
of your time, here?

'Cause I got a little
situation on my hands here

first of all, I've got the mail
today, which I do every day

but today
was a little different.

I got a letter.

Wow.

I was kinda afraid to open it

first I thought
it was a subpoena.

I got a chain letter.

Who sent it to you?

Well, this kid named Lance Garcy

who at first I didn't
realize who that was,

but then I realized it's a guy I
went to elementary school with.

Well, Ben...

Can I read it to you?
Good.

"This is a
chain letter."

I don't know if Lance wrote
that, or it sounds like him.

"Within 24 hours you must
send it to 10 other people.

On the third day, the person
you're most attracted to

will send you some
kind of signal

revealing their
feelings toward you."

Hmmm?

Hmmm?

Now, here's the bad part...
Takes a big turn.

"Warning...

If you don't pass this on

something as bad as this story
or worse will happen to you.

Take Heather Dickson
of Bufford, Minnesota..."

Then it goes on to
talk about Heather Dickson

a guy named Keith
who she fell in love with

and she didn't
send the letters to 10 people

and he d*ed in a
massive car accident.

Is this the thing that's been
causing all the death in the world?

I actually visited
Paul McCartney, recently.

I visited Paul and Linda
up in their farm.

Linda refuses
to let anyone eat meat.

It's strictly vegetarian.

And when I spoke to them
on the phone, Paul said to me,

"Look, can you sneak me
a hamburger or something

just please, anything,
maybe a beef jerky

you can stick it in your shoe,

I just need
some meat!"

And then I walked
in the door and Paul said,

"Did you bring anything, did you
get me a little piece of ham?

For god's sakes!"

And Linda said, "No,
we're gonna be eating rhubarb."

And Paul said,

"Hey, Gil, why don't we walk
outside, get some fresh air"

and when we got outside,
Paul said,

"Look, why don't you
k*ll one of those sheep

we'll just rip it apart
with our bare teeth!"

And I said, "No, Linda
I'm sure will get angry!"

And he said,
"Well, for god's sake!

Can I at least
lick your arm?"

Dad?

I gotta talk to you about
something important, here.

I'm dealing with
an issue here at home.

And I need to...

Just spit it out, Ben!

Well, I got a letter.

Okay.

It's a chain letter.

And uhhh...

Chain letters are an
incredible waste of time.

They're what a lot of people
refer to it as "networking".

I think you're overreacting,
it's just a letter, Ben.

No, dad, you don't understand!

I have the power of life and
death in my hands right now.

So I would not mess with me.

I'm like a god, right now.

Yeah.

And you should
see me right now...

I am shining.

Hey, Laura.

Hi.

I'm Wendy Liebman.

Uh-huh.

Oh...

That's not how you
spell it... it's "I-e".

Well, that's not
how you spell it.

♫ Doo-doo-li-doo... ♫

I... did yoga
the other day

because somebody told me
that when you do yoga

you could reach a higher level
of consciousness

and that intrigued me.

It's a lot easier just to drink

and then get your leg behind
your neck like that...

I was in so much pain,
so I got a massage.

I love getting a massage
from the bellhop, I love that.

Is that true?

Actually it was
a woman named "Martha"

and she was really hurting me

she was rubbing really hard
on my back

I said, "Are you trying to
start fire back there?"

Because she was really
hurting me... she said,

"I'm attacking
your pressure points."

So, I gave her
my parent's address.

I'm very spiritual.

Uh-huh.

Every day I pray for money,
and power, and sex.

That's beautiful.

Laura?

Yeah.

Hi! How are you?

Fine.

It's funny, I'm compiling a list
of addresses of people I know...

And you are...
Missing.

So I want to just
fill you in here

let me check under... yup,
uncle Max, he's on there

my home address, and then Laura,
yeah, I don't have yours...

So, if you could
kindly provide that?

Not a chance.

Right.

I went to my


From nursery school.

And I didn't
wanna go, Dr. Katz,

'cause I've put on
like 100 pounds.

Yeah?

I like my body...
It gets me around.

I want an hourglass figure.

Right now I have
an hour and a half...

I have a little bit
too much time on my ass.

Dr. Katz's office.

Hello, Laura!

If you can tell me your complete
address including zip code

you may be eligible to
win an all expense paid...

Ben...

I gonna have to
take that again, Bobby!

Ben, what do you want?

If you can tell me your complete
address including zip code

you may be eligible to win an
all expense paid trip to uhh...

The Bahamas!

Ben!

I haven't touched a man, since
"Hands across America".

What about the guy you're
telling me about last week?

I go out with
my old boyfriend a lot

we're into recycling...

We use each other again.

We still talk, we reminisce
about the good old day.

Well, why didn't it work out?

He was cheating on me
with his secretary.

I found lipstick on his collar,
covered with white-out.

I should've married my high
school sweetheart, you know.

I had a typical
high school romance.

I was a cheerleader
and he was on the faculty...

Go, Mr. Jameson!

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura!

I bet you think I'm gonna ask
you for your address again

but I am not...
So, what is it?

I didn't have to
go to work today

'cause I don't have a job.

Yeah, but you used to work.

I was a secretary for 6 years

while I was doing
stand-up at night.

Like a lot of secretaries, I
practically ran that company...

Into the ground.

My boss was so mean, I would
call in sick a lot, I'd go...

"Yeah, I have female problems."

And she didn't
know that I meant her!

Was it a happy ending
to that story?

I didn't even give 2 weeks
notice when I left because...

I was fired.

Quit, fired, what's the
difference, Dr. Katz?

I mean besides the kind of
party that they throw?

Laura?

Yeah.

I have some good news for you

yeah?

And was wondering
if you could come in here

'cause I'd like to tell you.

Why don't you just tell me?

Well, it's more like a "face to
face" kind of development here...

So if you can come in here
that would be great.

So why don't you just bring your big
shiny face out here and lay it on me?

Well, you know I have some
paperwork here and I thought...

Hold on, I have to
get the phone.

Okay.

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura, hey, can I quickly
get your address, please?

No.

- Just quickly?
- No!

- Quicker!
- Is that Ben?

Let's get this done quick!

I just want the address
and the apartment number

do you live in an
apartment or house?

Is that Ben, Laura?

Yes.

Yes, what?
House or apartment?

Can you tell him that
now is not a good time?

Laura?

Laura, just tell him
that now is not a good time...

No.

Laura, I'm just
asking you a question,

is it a house or an apartment?

Shut your fat mouth!

Hey, Laura, that's not nice!

I can't handle this!

So, Laura...

Yeah?

Here's the good news that
I was telling you about...

I have created what's called a
"Profit sharing plan"

which means that every quarter

I will put some money
from this company

into a... essentially
a retirement account,

not just for myself,
but for you as well.

Money that would become yours
when you turn 59.

Oh...

That's what I was so
anxious to tell you about.

Could I just have an extra


See, I think that it's hard for
someone your age to appreciate

what that kind of
financial security means.

Oh...

Could I...

Yeah?

Could I have an extra


I think we can do that.

And then for a while
the Beatles had George coming in

with that Indian guy.

Yeah?

He would bring the maharishi in
and they'd say,

"What is this guy?

Why are you bringing him here?"

And then he'd go, "Oh, this is a
different type of music!

It's the maharishi!

He's a small Indian fellow and he
plays this thing called 'the sitar'.

Well, yeah, I know,
but that doesn't work

for the type of music
we're playing!

See, I don't know
if you realize this

but we don't play Indian music!

We play rock music!

If we had a little restaurant
where we served curry

then maybe you could
bring this guy along!"

Yeah, I mean, this is, Gilbert

this is a fascinating
piece of musical history.

But let's talk about
you for a minute.

Can we focus on you
for a second here?

Isn't there something
you want to talk about...

Some pressing issue?

Something personal?

Ah, you know, you're right.

There is something
I want to talk to you about.

Oh, good.

Where did you get that tie?

You see, this is...

Can I try it on?

Let me try on that tie!

No, because I don't
wanna contribute,

I don't want to
help you postpone...

If you don't want to help me,
how am I gonna get help?

I come here and I pay for help,
and you're not gonna help me?

Well, you're resisting my help.

Well, then, give me the tie.

Okay, here's the tie.

Okay, help me tie it.

I can't...

Help me tie the tie!

I can't do that unless...

Help me tie the tie!

I'm gonna start screaming!

No, I will do it but...

Aaarrghhh!

Aarrgghh!

Aarrggh!

Ben, hasn't it been 3 days
since you got the letter?

Yeah, it's been about 3 days...

Isn't there a
time limit on this?

I actually called Lance
and I got an extension.

Hmmm.

This list is not great...

The deli guy,
uncle Max, my father...

The mailman, he was
involved from the beginning,

I'm sending one to
senator Carlisle

because his address
was in the paper today...

Let me ask you
a quick question, Laura.

What the hell is
a 25-year-old kid doing

sending around a
chain letter like an idiot?

Like a 10-year-old?

I don't know.

I don't mean me, even though I'm
doing that, but he started it.

These are grown people,
who are sending chain letters!

Don't they have
anything better to do?

I don't know, do you?

Have you ever gotten
a chain letter before?

Yeah, I think I've gotten...

You think you've got one?

Yeah.

You have?

Uh, yeah?

What did you do with it?

Threw it away.

Oh, you're gonna die.

You're gonna die!

How long ago was that?

Laura?

Laura?

Get help!

Somebody get help!

You know, doctor!

You speak very quietly.

What would you do if you were
in a burning building

and you had to scream for help?

I can scream,
if I need to scream.

Okay, here... the flames are
engulfing the entire building

and the firemen
are 5 blocks away.

What do you yell to them?

"Guys, uhh... things are
really out of control here".

See, I don't think they'd
take that seriously!

"Guys, a little
cold water, please?"

I invited her into my office...

- Um-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

and I said to her,
"I have some great news."

I have created a
profit-sharing plan for her.

Very nice.

And it was as if I said
"You have lymphoma".

Huh... that's a
very specific reaction...

That is very specific.

Why do you think
she reacted that way?

My theory is she just doesn't
wanna think of being 59 someday.

I think that's what
I thought of too... yeah.

She doesn't want to think of me
being her future.

Right... being 59 and
still working for you.

And also very hard for
someone that age to appreciate

what financial security means.

What happens if she doesn't
stay with you till she's 59?

What happens to that money?

Hey, good question.

I think I get it.

Nice.

How much money
are we talking about?

$8 every 3 months.

Well...

Uhhm...

I mean I can understand
why she's not...

That's $32 a year.

Ohh...

That's money that
earns interest.

Oh yeah!

And the law is very specific,

it says, once she turns


she's eligible
to collect that money.

Why 59 and a half?

That's weird.

The half was my idea.

Aahhh.

Because I didn't like
the idea of her being 59

and running around
with that kind of money.

That's true.

I just hate to see you being
so hard on yourself, Ben...

I'm just a little disappointed

that I couldn't hold up
my end of the bargain.

It's a chain letter,
Ben, these things...

I know you think that it's not
probably that important, but...

You know how much pressure you
felt when you got the letter?

Yes, that was a bad day for me.

Well, think of all the pressure

that these other
people would have felt

had you fulfilled
your responsibility...

So you think I almost did a good
thing by breaking the chain?

You broke the chain of pain.

As a matter of fact
I got the paper today

and some 14 people d*ed
in this city alone.

Are you suggesting
that it's connected to...

I'm not quite sure
of the connection

but, here's the deal...

Since I haven't
sent the chain letter

people have d*ed
and nobody loves me.

Do you see the connection?

See how this thing works,
how insidious it is?

Yeah, nothing has
changed, essentially.

And besides, aren't I, people?

Aren't you people?

I mean, ha ha ha!

What's that mean?

I mean, I love you!

Can you talk?

What kind of way is
that to say something?

Come here, you!

I don't want it.

I've 2 problems, Dr. Katz,
the first is

I never finish anything I start.

Yeah?

My mother always
told me, she said,

"You can be
anything you want."

So I said, "Could I be
somebody else's daughter?"

Um-hmm.

My mother is a ventriloquist.

I mean not professionally.

Yeah?

But, for like 10 years

I thought the dog was
asking me to k*ll my father.

We had a chameleon...

Well, at least that's
what my mother told us.

She'd point to different objects
and say, "There it is!"

This morning I got
an obscene phone call.

It was like


the guy's breathing
really heavy going,

"What are you wearing?"

"What are you wearing?"

I said,
"I haven't decided yet."

I was flying recently

and there was a man
sitting next to me

and I can tell that
he really wanted me...

To shut up.

You know
how I know, Dr. Katz?

'Cause he kept saying,
"Shut up!"

"Could you shut up?"

You know something,
I used to know Gandhi!

Ummm...

I knew Gandhi, I... uhh,
actually knew him

way before he became famous!

Yeah?

Gandhi once wrote a book called,
"Hi, I'm Gandhi".

And it was him with a checkered
jacket and a full head of hair

and I said, "You know,
this is not an image for you."

Yeah...
How did you guys meet?

Actually we uhh... both were
gonna have a knish.

And we had a big argument
over whether or not

You should put mustard on it.

What is this music...
Why is there music?

We're gonna have to...

What is this music?!

Doctor, I hear music!

We're gonna have to stop now!

You're my psychiatrist!

Help me, help me, doctor!