05x53 - Babysitting Ben

[bunniefuu]

Hey, dad, you know what I heard
from the radio this morning?

That the average family
has 2.1 kids... 2.1!

Uh-huh.

Isn't that amazing?

How come I don't have


How come I'm the
only child here?

Why don't you go out
and meet some people?

Dad, you're not
even listening to me!

Dad... dad!

Ben, please, c'mon,
I'm trying to read!

Well, can't you put the
book down for one minute?

I'm trying to engage in some stimulating
intelligent breakfast conversation!

Well, do that by yourself!

- Dad!
- Yes!

Put the book down!

You can't put it down,
that's the problem.

I was actually talking about
something fairly significant

about us building
a better family unit.

I'm sorry, will you
forgive me this morning

because I need to finish
this before I get to work.

Here's an idea...
I close the book, okay?

Now, you're done with it.

You want me to
take it away from you?

I'll smack you over the
head with the book!

How do you like that idea?

Well, how about this...
I put a noose around your neck

and pile up a stack of books,

tie the noose around the
pipe on the ceiling

and push the books over,
and then you die!

How about this?

We just go to the library,
and call it even!

Alright!
Have your card?

Yeah.

Good.

Any messages for me, Laura?

Umm, yeah, there were
a couple of calls:

A cancellation and umm...
A death thr*at.

No, seriously.

Alright, no cancellation.

You're not kidding
about the death thr*at?

No.

What exactly did he say?

Umm, that he was
going to k*ll you?

But instead of using your
words, use his words, okay?

I'll be you, "Hello,
Dr. Katz's office."

I don't know, I don't remember.

What did you say to the guy?

I said, "Okay,
thank you, goodbye."

You said "Thank you" to the guy
who just threatened my life?!

Well, I didn't want to
make him angri... er.

Yeah, I don't know, man!

I'm just trying to enjoy
everything in life but...

Some things are frustrating,
moving is... really frustrating.

I called UPS
when I was moving

asked them to help
with some boxes, you know...

And they're a good service

but you have to have information
ready about your boxes

before you even call 'em.

I had no idea,
I called them up...

"Yeah, I've got 10 boxes
if you can pick them up?"

"We need to know
the weight and the girth."

"Okay, goodbye."

So, you just gave up?

I called back,

"We need the weight
and the girth."

"I don't know what the weight is

and I don't know
what girth means."

Right.

And then I just had to hang up in
the middle of his girth formula

I didn't know what
he was talking about.

He kept assuring me
that it was easy.

"The girth is actually very
simple to figure out,

you take the length and you double
that by the smaller of the height

and then you take
the width and then"...

"Okay! Gotta go!"

So, I figured I would call back

and then just
make up some numbers

and let him come
and pick them up.

If it's wrong
I'll pay the difference!

Just get the truck
moving this way, please!

So I called back,

"Yeah, I've got
uhh... 10 boxes...

And they all weigh exactly
ummm... 22 pounds

and they have
a girth of... 3."

And what did he say?

"3 what?"

"3 girth units!"

"Come pick 'em up,
please, I'm begging you!

They're boxes!
They're brown!

I've got tape on all of them,
probably fit on a Dolly!"

Uh-huh.

And I had to get a refrigerator.

You got the salesman
standing there,

"Hey, how ya doing?"

What's this guy supposed to say
about refrigerators, you know?

"Okay, we've got this
refrigerator right here.

This keeps all your
food cold for $600.

And we got this one right here.

This keeps all your
food cold for $800.

C'mon, c'mon, check this out!

$1400 keeps
all your food cold!"

So, he wants me to get this one

and he's showing me
everything he could think of

in that refrigerator.

"Look, you have
a little meats drawer...

This is a little drawer
for your meats.

You put your
favorites in there...

And this is your crisper
and that's for, umm..."

Crispy things!

Sure!

"And this is your butter flap

what that is, you come home and
go, 'Hey, where's the butter?'

Open up the flap, it'll all be
located nice and convenient-like.

And they're all
written in cursive

and that's a real nice feature!

Yeah, that is nice."

Ben?

Yes, dad!

That's my name,
don't wear it out.

Hold the jokes for one second.

That wasn't a joke.

Are you sitting down, now?

Of course, that's the
only way the blood flows...

You may wanna stand up for this!

Are you serious?

Well, I have some pretty
startling news for you,

somebody called the office
and threatened my life today.

Somebody did what?

Somebody put a price tag on my head
because I got a call this morning...

First of all, dad, you put a price
on someone's head, not a price tag!

Okay, so what happened?

I get to work, Laura says

"You have a couple of cancellations
and a death thr*at."

So it's the death thr*at
that has you...

It's the death thr*at
that has me rattled, Ben!

The cancellations
I can live with.

Ha, ha, yeah, sorry.

I don't think this is funny!

I disagree.

Honestly, dad, if I were
to come up to you and say,

"Hey, I've got a death thr*at,"
what would you do?

Now, that's funny!

It is funny,
I guess 'cause it's me.

But I'm not you and
this is a serious thr*at!

Hey, do you mind if
I change the subject?

Not at all.

Good, I've got to
baby-sit tomorrow...

Do you know
Mrs. Shields?

I knew her very well.

She called here and asked if
I want to baby-sit tomorrow

so I've gotta baby-sit Jeffrey
for one hour tomorrow

while she goes out
and smokes 20 cigarettes.

Has Mrs. Shields
ever met you?

You don't know
Mrs. Shields?

I know Mrs. Shields!

I'm just surprised that she
asked you to sit for Jeffrey!

Why would you say that?

I know he's a
very difficult child.

Really?

Yeah, I'm sure it's nothing
that you can't handle.

What's that mean?

It means that, all of a sudden

this death thr*at
doesn't seem to bad.

Can I recommend a couple of
games that he might enjoy?

How old is he now?

I think Mrs. Shields
said he's about 4.

"I'm thinking of an animal,"
kids that age love that game!

What is it?

You say, "Guess what animal
I'm thinking of"...

I know, I wanna play
it, so you start!

I can't think of
an animal in my condition!

Why?

But if I was... he might
have a really long neck!

Alright, here's
what we should do...

I'll give you
a couple of pointers

on how to avert a death thr*at.

And you give me a couple of
pointers on baby-sitting

'cause you've done it, for me.

Okay, you go first!

Don't stick out on the crowd!

Heh, okay.

And try not to look conspicuous.

Alright, help me out!

Same goes for you and double!

Same advice
for baby-sitting?!

Yes! Yes!

That's so great!

Hello, my name is Paul Kozlowski

and I'm here
to see Dr. Katz!

Could you take a seat, please?

Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

Good, you look good, are you
doing something different?

Alright, I'll sit down.

I do impressions,
would you like to hear one?

I would love to.

Alright, my impression of a cat,
giving another cat directions.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow?

Meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow,

meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow?

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow.

That's very funny.

This is my impression of a cow

trying to get
another cow's attention.

Mooo.

Uh-huh.

Mooo.

Okay, I get it!

Mooooo!

I've been working on...

Trying to...
Be more entertaining

because a lot of people
feel I'm dull...

I've been working on a
ventriloquism routine

and, actually I'd like to bring
out my little friend right now.

Tonguey, are you there?

Yes, I am, Paul.

Tonguey, how are you?

I'm fine.

I understand you've been taking
some self-defense courses.

That's right, Paul.

Are you tough?

I can lick you!

Tonguey, that's a terrible joke!

I also would like to bring out
my friend, Headie...

Headie, are you there?

Yes, I am Paul.

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura.

- Hi, Ben.
- How ya doing?

Fine.

It's been a good morning!

Ben?

What can I do for you?

Tomorrow, I'm baby-sitting
a neighbor's kid, right...

Oh no!

They're gonna let you?

Yeah, Jeffrey Shields,
I call him Jeffy.

Uhm.

I haven't met him yet, but, uh,
I pre-screened him on the phone.

Well, good luck with that!

Yeah.

In any event, I'm gonna
slip in there and do...

She asked me,
baby-sitting, you know

and immediately
we started talking money.

Uh-huh.

'Cause that's what
it's all about, baby.

Uh-huh.

So, she thought this would be
a volunteer situation

and... that's when I laughed
right in her face, you know.

I'm not gonna do that for free.

So, what are you charging?

Well, immediately
I said $10 an hour,

and then she hung up,
I called back

and said I'd do it for free.

The neighbor kids
are always making fun of me!

Why is that?

They're always
calling me names like,

♫ Paul, you're inbred,
you are inbred, ♫

♫ We hate you, you are inbred, ♫

Then we moved to this
other neighborhood

and the children were even more
cruel, they would just tease me.

♫ There's something
wrong with you, ♫

♫ We can't put
our finger on it, ♫

♫ But there's something
wrong with you, ♫

Sorry, I know that I'm
dominating the conversation.

I always come here and talk
about me, me, me, my problems

I never asked you about
your problems, doctor!

No, you should
dominate the conversation.

That's the way
this works, you know.

You're picking up the tab,
so you get to...

What?!

So what's up, Ben?

I can't stay
on the phone too long

because I'm
right next to the window.

Well, I feel like
everything I say now

might be overshadowed
by the death thr*at,

but, uh, I'm gonna
say it anyway...

No, I think you should
live your life

as if everything is normal,

because that's the one thing
that I will not let this guy do

is turn my world upside down.

That's a really positive
attitude, dad...

Thank you.

Look out behind you!

You're taking the quote-unquote
"Necessary precautions"?

I'm wearing a vest right now.

Tweed?

Yes!

That ain't gonna help.

Was it a typical death thr*at
like, "I'm gonna k*ll you"

or did he mention like he's
gonna k*ll you and your family?

No, he just mentioned me.

Wheww!

I mean, I shouldn't make fun...

You know what the number one
k*ller in this country is?

Death thr*at?

No, Jeffrey.

Ha, ha, ha!

We're even!

It sounds like you don't
have a lot of confidence...

That's not true, but
I would like to remind you

about the whole series of
pets you had as a kid.

Right, I do remember that, yeah.

Do you remember
what k*lled them?

Neglect.

Hmmm.

'Cause you said to me
that they can live on love

but that was your way of saying

that you didn't
have time to feed them.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm just saying that every pet
you ever had d*ed from neglect.

Dad, we're talking about
a 4-year-old boy here

not some dumb Guinea pig that
has to eat every single day!

Hey, good luck,
by the way today, Ben.

What, uh, what do I got going?

Well, your baby-sitting
thing, Ben!

She's counting
on you, Mrs. Shields!

Oh, baby-sitting!

What time is it?

Time to put your
handcuffs in the bag!

You're gonna
need them, my friend!

This kid can be brutal,
from what I hear.

This is what I put together
for baby-sitting today:

A compass, a buck Kn*fe,
a mirror, and a spool of thread.

That's a long time
over at the Shields' place

I wanna be totally prepared.

You are gonna get in trouble,
Ben, I know it!

What are you talking about?

I don't like the combination
of things you're bringing.

Dad, you know...

You just worry
about getting sh*t

let me handle little
Jeffrey, alright?

Okay, just to review...

I'm gonna worry
about getting sh*t?

That's correct.

And you're gonna worry
about little Jeffrey.

Little JJ.

Oh, man, let me give you one
last piece of advice, Ben!

Uh, no, how about that?

You have to let
this kid know who's boss.

Oh, dad, he knows who's boss,
don't worry about that.

Well, then let him know
that you'd like to be boss

if there's an opening.

Ha, ha, yeah,
I see your point, dad.

And you have to set boundaries!

I suggest you confine him to
the continental United States.

Ha, ha, ha!

So you're saying don't
let him get on the plane.

No.

Right.

...and I had to get my uh,
my phone turned on, you know.

And I'm at my friend's house
and call the phone company...

Can you turn on my telephone?

Okay, it's gonna be
a problem, I figure.

How, what?

It's just gonna be a big
nightmare, that's our policy!

Okay!

It's
gonna be a nightmare!

I mean, it's different
than I thought.

I didn't know how it worked...

So I asked him,
"How does it work,

do I have to wait in my
apartment for a couple days

for the phone people
to come out?"

"No, we do it differently now,

we can just flip the
switch from right here."

Oh? Great!

Can you go ahead and flip it?

We're gonna flip it
next Thursday!

Can you flip it right now?

"We're gonna flip it Thursday!

Late, or Friday, or the
following Monday!"

"Can you see it
from where you're at?

Can I come down and flip it?"

So I've been staying with some
friends which is, uh... nice.

But I don't understand
why people assume

that you don't
wanna stay in a hotel.

That kills me!

Ah, you don't wanna
stay in a nice hotel.

You wanna stay with us and
be uncomfortable for 3 days!

I don't mind, I don't mind
staying in a hotel...

We won't have it!

We won't have it!

Why won't you have it?

No, you're gonna stay with us

and sleep on our
fold-out couch!

People don't sleep on
their own fold-out couch,

they have no idea what a
t*rture rack that thing is!

Ya know, they mean well...

"It's no problem
you sleep on this!"

It's all cockeyed, they're brushing
off old pop tarts crumbs...

"We're gonna get it all
set up for ya!

We're gonna
get it all set up."

They're flapping sheets
all over...

"We're gonna
get it all set!"

You feel like an idiot
standing there...

"Yeah, set it up!

Let me know
when it's all set!"

And they'll have a
mattress about this thick.

And the death bar
goin' right down the middle.

It's like you're sleeping
on top of a dog house,

oh, yeah, this is nice!

Feeling good about life!

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura, how ya doing?
It's Ben.

I gotta, kinda keep it down,
'cause I'm with the kid.

Jeffrey!

I'm kidding, Jeffrey,
don't! Don't cry...

But I'm doing it, I'm here.

I shouldn't talk long 'cause
I gotta keep this kid occupado.

He's a huge pain in my ass.

You probably shouldn't
be on the phone...

No, baby-sitting is really
not that bad, you know,

the only thing about it, is,
it's all about him, you know...

Well, 'cause he's 4...

It's just me, me, me,
"Hi, I'm Jeffrey."

I gotta go, Jeffrey just fell
down a set of stairs!

Okay, bye!

I try to be a
good house guest, you know...

I always clean up after dinner,

but what can you do
when you're cleaning up?

All you can do is just bring
your plate into the kitchen.

If you're trying
to do more than that

you'll mess 'em up 'cause
they have their own system...

Am I more in your way
like this, or...

How about if I
come around this way?

Where am I more annoying?

But you can't not do that.

Then you look like
a real jerk, you know.

"I'm done,
where's the remote?"

"What cha' scrubbin'?"

So you gotta bring
your plate in there

and you always announce it like
they don't know what you're doing,

"I got my plate."

And they just go,
"You can just set it down."

"Oh, okay."

Then you're off the hook.

You get one more token thing...

"I've got the
salt and pepper shakers!

What should I do with
the salt and pepper shakers?"

"Leave them
where they were!"

"Okay, wasting
everybody's time!"

I'm sorry I didn't come in
last night, but, uhh...

Yeah, where were you?

I don't know if you
heard what happened.

- What?
- No.

I've got a death
thr*at yesterday.

Oh my god!

I thought you were
mad at me for something.

I can't believe that!

Somebody called the office
and threatened my life!

Oh, and right
before the weekend!

Stanley!

I'm just trying to
keep the guy's spirits up!

God!

Well, I appreciate
that, Stanley!

Are you okay?

A little shaky!

Someone really called you?

What'd they say,
they're gonna plug ya?

I didn't talk to them,
Laura spoke to them.

A death thr*at, and they took a
message with your secretary?

What did they say to her?

Well, I don't know exactly,

but the gist of it was
that he's gonna k*ll me.

What'd you mean
"The gist of it"?

That's what I said...

"What do you mean
the gist of it?"

That's the one thing
that you don't wanna get

in that kind of message,
is "The gist".

Are you telling me
she didn't write it down?

No, in fact, it was
like an afterthought.

I came in and she said,

"You have two cancellations

and a guy called and
said he's gonna k*ll you."

Boy, that's a roller coaster
of emotion there!

I was just recovering
from the 2 cancellations

when she hits me with that!

Uh, not that I don't
love you and all that

but could you sit
over there from now on?

Sit over at the
other end of the room.

Stanley!

What?

Dr. Katz?

Yes.

That guy who wanted to k*ll you?

Uh-huh.

Is on line 1.

Did he say what it's regarding?

No.

Okay, so look, uhh...

Give me a second
to gather my thoughts

and my belongings and
then put him through.

Okay, let me put him through.

Okay, here's the deal...

Dr. Katz?

Yes!

Still me.

Just gathering my thoughts!

Can I make a suggestion?

Yes!

Don't piss him off!

Okay.

Hello?

Speaking.

Yeah.

Right.

Oh? Oh, I see!

Oh, not a big deal.

Yeah, no, I understand now,
but umm...

Okay?

So I'll see you
in a couple of weeks!

Great!

So, Laura, I think
it was just an expression

that you interpreted
as a death thr*at!

Well, you can't be
too careful these days!

Well, I think you
need to be careful

about alarming your employer

and I like to
think of me as a friend.

So?

So, please, next time around,

somebody says they're
gonna k*ll me...

Say "Do you mean, literally,"

"or figuratively?"

Yeah.

I'll take that under advisement.

Please.

Dr. Katz, do you think
we'll get another death thr*at?

I certainly hope not, Laura.

Well, it was a lot more fun
around here this week.

I will admit that
it did add a certain...

Element of tension to my life
that I think I miss.

You know, not knowing whether I
would be dead or alive tomorrow,

I was living each day like it
was my next to the last.

Well, you know
what, Dr. Katz?

Just think of it this way...

You still could die tomorrow!

Yeah, yeah, thanks!

So, live it up!

Go get'em tiger!

...but I've been taking
self-defense courses

because I want to defend myself

and I think I've been
getting ripped off, doctor,

with these
self-defense courses.

Maybe you can learn
from my mistake

but if ever you find
yourself in a dark alley

and there's a big guy
coming towards you,

don't do this
to defend yourself...

"Roar, roar, roar,
I'm a monster, roar!

Get away, I'm a monster,
I'll eat you up!"

Doesn't work, that is a
bad self-defense technique.

This doesn't work either...

Booooo, I'm a ghost!

Get away, boooo!

Well, let me ask you
something, Paul...

Yes, doctor.

Close your eyes for a second.

You're not gonna sneak up on me?

- Nope.
- Okay.

Let your mind wander.

♫ Umm-hmmm... ♫

Now, let it come back.

Tell me about your
earliest childhood memory...

Whatever pops into your head.

I... remember
sitting around.

It's not really
the best memory at all.

I was just sitting around.

That must hurt!

I like watching game shows

and my favorite part
is the beginning

when the contestants get to
tell you about themselves?

'Cause sometimes they have
something interesting to say

and the host never asks them
a follow-up question.

It kills me, you know!

"Number one, why don't you tell
us about yourself?"

"My name is Kirk Edwards, I'm
very close to isolating a gene.

If I'm successful, I'll be able to
cure every disease known to man."

Alright, that's great,
ready to spin a wheel?

You know to look out
for the "Bonkers"!

You hit one of those,
you're gonna hear this:

♫ Mmwaa, mmwaa, mmwaaaa ♫

"Number two?"

"My name's Toby
and I've got a dog!"

"What kind of dog do you have,
what kind of dog is it?

Tell us all about it!"

You know what the music means?

We're gonna need
to stop, Brian...