05x55 - London Broil

[bunniefuu]

Sarah's father and I,
when we were kids,

we went to music camp together.

Ugh...

There was nothing that his
parents wouldn't do for me...

I've got a plane
to catch in 3 hours,

so let's wrap up the story.

I'm giving you
the short version.

Okay.

But you still
might wanna sit down!

I just feel a certain
connection to Sarah...

Yeah, well, me too,
I mean, we are cousins.

I think that you two
have a history together.

I hope she still
doesn't resent me

from stealing all the money from
her drawer that time, 'member?

Ben, you were


I know, but it
was over a dollar.

I hope you don't expect her
to wait on you hand and foot

'cause she's a working woman...

That's true, it's not
gonna be like here.

Yeah, try to be a good guest.

I'm gonna be nice, I think.

That's a start.

What d'ya think
an arrangement should be

about paying for stuff?

Should she pay for
everything, or do I...?

I think she should
give you a per diem.

How much are we talking about?

I dunno, 50 bucks a day...

That's not bad.

You should probably give me
some extra cash, you know, for...

You have those
American express checks.

Well, yeah, but I'm saying
you should give me some cash

so I could give it to Sarah

and then she can
pay for everything!

That way I don't have to budget.

I'm not good about that.

You want her to dole out
the money for you?

Well, I don't know
how to approach it

if Sarah and I go out for dinner

do I just say... "Uhm,
my father said you'd pay."

No, I think you should offer to
pick up the check, when you can.

There are 3 or 4 basic rules
to being a good guest...

No hair-pulling.

Okay, there are 4 or 5 basic
rules to being a good guest...

Yeah.

Don't show her yours unless
she showed you hers first...

Dad!

You know what, Ben?
I have to go to work,

so come here and
give me a big hug, will ya?

You know what?
I don't big goodbye.

Come here, you.

I don't wanna make this
any bigger than

just you going off to work

'cause that'll make me nervous.

Okay.

Well, how about a little hug?

A little hug is always nice.

Umph!

Oww!

I gave you the Heimlich
I meant to give you a hug.

Why did you go "Umph"?

I've never heard you do that.

It's better than,
"Sweet god, it feels so good!"

I would've preferred that!

You'd better get out of here
before I start crying.

Alright.

They did a study...

And they said that guys
have a sexual thought

once every 11 seconds.

Yeah.

Oh my god, that is really scary!

You know what's even scarier?

Until the next thought comes...

There's nothing.

Yeah.

And Dr. Katz, I'm not
saying I'm Mr. Handsome

but I make up for it
'cause I'm great in bed

'cause I try so hard and
I care about the woman's needs.

Most guys don't even
talk to girls

when they're having
sex with them.

But I'm always like... every girl
that sleeps with me

gets the Mitch Fatel
Questionnaire.

I'm always like, how are you
enjoying this so far?

Have I been courteous and kind?

Would you recommend me
to a friend?

Didn't you just
end a relationship?

My girlfriend broke up with me
which I think is better

it's always better when the girl
breaks up with the guy...

Yeah.

'Cause then it's
over in 5 minutes

'cause then the guy just
says his piece, which is like...

"You suck!"

And that's it, it's over!

But when a guy
breaks up with a girl,

you need an
entire afternoon free

'cause there's gonna be
questioning...

And witnesses...

And forms to fill out.

Yeah.

But there were some rough
spots in your relationship.

Things didn't
always go wonderfully.

I couldn't give her an orgasm
if my life depended on it!

I mean, I could
if I had 12 hours free.

Girls are so complicated
when it comes to that.

There's more parts down there,
than a 10-speed bike!

I mean, how am I supposed to
remember everything, Dr. Katz?

You have to push on this
while you're pulling on that

while you're spinning that.

I don't even know
where "that" is, Dr. Katz!

And god forbid you even
come near the right area.

Then it's like, you're
crash-landing a plane, you know.

She's like "Move 2 centimeters
to the left, easy, easy...

Now look straight ahead,
there should be a button!"

And I'm like, "Yeah, push that
button and may god help us all!"

Dr. Katz's office.

Man, I almost had it!

Aren't you supposed
to be on the plane?

I missed my first flight.

Well, just get on the next one.

I'm going to.

I just, uhh...
The airport's so nice...

There's great bookstore here,
brand-new...

And I bought you,
a t-shirt...

Ben...

I also bought you
one of those shaky things...

Like, "It's snowing!"

And uh, what else did I get you,

let me check the bag here...

You're gonna take
all that with you?

No, I got a locker.

I figured, "Get it now
'cause the price could go up"!

Ben, you're not
afraid to fly, are you?

No, no, I didn't call
to k*ll time

I'm just, uhm,
because of that...

Are you sure?

Actually, I love flying!

I just...
Don't like planes.

Um-hmm.

I thought I saw the pilots
drinking in the lounge,

and that makes me
a little nervous.

Really?

Well, I'm not sure
they were the pilots...

It could've just been
the cleaning crew

'cause they were really
well-dressed too.

Everybody wears
a one-piece, now.

I gotta go.

W-wait!
Tell my dad that, uhh...

Don't tell my dad,
I called again.

No?

No, I don't want my dad
to know I called.

You know what I'm gonna do, I'm
gonna have a couple of drinks

take a couple of pills

put on one of those
patch things...

Ben!

Smoke!

Get on the plane!

I'm just trying to
keep you on the phone, here.

I'm terrified.

Laura, any calls for me?

Why do you keep asking?

Well, I'm a little concerned...

The truth is,
I miss the little guy.

Oh?

You live with somebody
for awhile... 25 years

and then they're gone and
then all of a sudden...

He's coming back, isn't he?

Yeah...

He'll be back
in a couple of days.

But I was just wondering
if he had called because...

Well, Dr. Katz...

Yeah?

Ben called from the airport.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because he told me
not to tell you.

Yeah, but you just told me!

Because you're driving me crazy!

Hi, I'm Patton Oswalt.

Could you take a seat,
please, Mr. Oswalt?

Patton, like the general!

I heard you.

Uh... is this the newest
"People" that you have?

Yeah.

Can I just borrow it,
if you're just...

No!

I'll just look through it,
I'll give it right back

when I go in.

Then what am I gonna do?

Yeah, but I mean,
you don't even have it open.

If I could just borrow it.

I'm reading the cover!

Who's that guy in the
little box on the top left?

Take it!

I'm so glad
I'm doing stand-up comedy.

Why is that?

Whatever my mood is,
I can try to make it funny.

Yeah.

Whereas other jobs,

you have to kinda
have, like, a "mood".

Even if you don't have
that actual mood,

you have to sorta put it on.

Like?

I was a staff writer
on a sketch show

and people would
come in on Monday,

you had to pitch sketch ideas.

People whose lives were
obviously going really well,

they would talk about stuff
they'd done that weekend like...

"Yeah, this is a sketch about
a guy and his girlfriend

and they go out record shopping

it's really sunny
and it's really fun!"

And they'd get to me and go...
"Patton, let's hear your sketch!"

"Yeah, this is about a guy that,
uh, sits in his apartment

he's awake for, like, 63 hours.

And he listens to his "Velvet Underground"
box set over and over again."

And then they'll go,
"Where does it go from there?"

And I go,
"He starts crying?"

That's funny.

You write for a network and they're
so paranoid about everything.

Like, you'll write a sketch,
and they'll come back...

"Yeah, this Adolf h*tler
sketch is funny

could he not be
anti-semitic?"

And, um, three of these
klansmen need to be black.

Right.

Is it bad when you
refer to all alcohol

as "Pain-Go-Bye-Bye Juice"?

No.

Is that bad?

Not at all, I mean...

Like, easter is like...
When I was growing up...

If you wanted to color eggs,

there was only
one game in town, "Paas"

you had to go to "Paas."

That was it, and their kit
was like, 6 color tablets

remember those?

And you'd put them in the water

and the water would
smell like a vinegar fart.

And then, there was
a little wire t*rture chair

you'd put the egg in and
you'd lower it into the water.

Or like me, you'll put all the
tablets in one glass of water

and then the eggs
would come out brown.

"Oh, brilliant, good Patton!

You can't get brown eggs!

That's our
little prodigy!"

And then you could take the box,

and you could punch
the holes out in the back

and make the box
into an egg holder.

And that was it...
You went to "Paas."

And then...

Remember when there was
all those other companies

that came by trying to
topple the Paas empire?

In the '70s
there was "Shake 'N Egg"...

I'm not sure what you mean.

"Shake 'N Egg" was where
you would put the egg in a bag

with all this glitter...

And then it would come out all
sparkly looking all "Glam rock",

like it came out of
David Bowie's ass or something.

And there was the
"Ronco" egg-coloring thing

it was was like a
weird inquisition device

where you'd put
the egg in a clamp

and you'd put a magic marker

and then you could turn the egg

and it would make a
line on the egg.

And if you were willing
to spend, like, 4 hours

you could make,
like, a grid design.

Which is great, if you were
a contractor or...

"See, I've broken the egg down
into its component vectors..."

But recently I was in the store

and I'm looking
at the egg-coloring kits

there's only one company
left standing... "Paas"!

And you know what their kit is?

The 6 color tablets,
the little wire thing,

and you can punch out
the back and make a hole.

They didn't change a thing!

I so respect that!

I can just imagine whoever the
founder, Henry Paas or whomever...

"Let 'em go to
their 'Shake 'n Egg'

and their little 'Ronco'

they'll come crawling back!

We are Paas!

Happy Easter and go to hell!

I'm not changing
a damn thing!"

Hey, dad?

Ben, where are you?

You're not gonna believe
where I'm calling from!

I hope you're not calling
from the plane, 'cause...

I'm in the plane.

That is instead of our trip
to Europe, Ben.

This is a ridiculously
expensive thing to do.

How's the trip?

It's fairly smooth, I got
very nervous during takeoff

and then right after takeoff.

But it's not a full plane

so there's plenty of empty seats
here and I got moved to the back

'cause I was making
other passengers nervous.

Statistically, the 3 most
dangerous parts of flying, Ben:

Taking off, the landing,

and all that stuff
in the middle.

Dad!

I... I'm sorry, Ben,

but, I guess, I'm the wrong guy
to call from a plane.

The planes are so modern now.

It's been about a year
since I've flown

and they have really updated.

Oh, everything has changed.

The fleet is...

Spankin' new!

There are men now,
who serve drinks...

Those are women.

Oh, I was gonna say,
this is ridiculous.

I mean, what's
happening to society

when men can get
equal jobs to women?

That's true.

But, I guess, the workplace
is just evening out...

Okay, Ben, I love you and...

You don't wanna stay on?

No, just call me when you land.

I would like to know
that you've landed safely.

Okay, I will do that.

Maybe I'll call you back after
the movie, tell you about it.

Hello?

Ben!

Dad!

Ben, I expected Sarah
to answer the phone!

Well, I'm at Sarah's.

How's it going?

It's good, you're
kinda interrupting

I'm having breakfast.

With Sarah?

No, no, no, she left.

She went to work.

Oh, so you got
the place to yourself!

Yeah, oh yeah!
It's really nice.

Is it going okay? You guys getting along?
She good company?

Sarah picked me up
at the airport

and that's the last
I saw of her.

Just dropped you off at the
house and left you there?

No, actually it's kinda weird
'cause she had plans last night.

I'm sure she wants
to show you around.

Well, no, she had plans

that she kept with other people.

You don't feel comfortable
tagging along?

No, it was because...
I wasn't invited.

That's odd, that you'd travel...

I don't necessarily blame her

she does have to work in the day

and then wind down
with her friends at night.

At least I'm glad you
stuck around for my call.

I wasn't waiting
for your call, dad.

I mean, I have stuff to do here.

Sarah left me a list.

I have to go shopping for her...

Sounds to me like
you're being a good sport.

I don't mind 'cause it's Sarah

and she has a very nice place.

What is it like?

It's very big.

And she's a lawyer.

Right.

You been through
her drawers yet?

Good morning, sunshine girl.

You're feeling
pretty chipper, seems like.

Yeah, I feel pretty good today.

I just feel like, a sense of
peace has come over me...

I just have this
distinct feeling of...

Well-being?

"No Ben".

I wish I could
share your enthusiasm...

You can!

I have to admit, I miss the guy!

I really do.

Yeah?

Do you miss him a little bit?

Not really.

You do like him, though...

Umm... okay.

I don't think you realize
how much you mean to him.

Look, just let me enjoy
these next couple of days

without him, okay?

Good morning,
Dr. Katz's office.

C-could I speak to
Laura, please?

Oh, Ben.

I'm not here.

Laura, I didn't recognize you.

Umm.

That's better.

Uhh.

There you are.

Found you!

Why are you calling?

I just wanted to...
Give uh... you know...

Where's the old Laura
that answered the phone?

Ben, how is it possible
that you're more annoying

when you're away?!

Well, I just wanted to,
you know...

Tell my dad what I've done
the last 2 hours

but I can tell you.

Sarah's still at work.

I am still in the apartment,

and I'm gonna probably
meet Sarah for lunch

'cause she knows this little
spot downtown, umm...

Called "The cafeteria
where she works"...

But, uh, I'll tell you, Laura,
this city is fantastic!

Yeah? What have you
seen so far?

I haven't left Sarah's
apartment yet, but, umm...

I've got the
hometown magazine...

And it looks great!

Right.

Man, I'm bored here!

It's so hard
to have sex with women.

They're all so, like...

"No!"

Yeah.

I hope I become
famous, Dr. Katz!

'Cause if you get famous,

you get to have sex
with a lot of women,

and you get to be in
orgies and stuff...

Oh my god, have you
ever been in an orgy?

I've... I always had
a scheduling problem.

I can't wait for my first orgy.

I'm gonna be so excited!

I'm gonna show up extra early

help put up the decorations...

I wonder how
orgies works, though.

Do you just jump in?

Or is there orgy etiquette?

Like, do you have to
announce it first?

Like, "Mitch Fatel!

Comin' in
on the right!"

So, Laura, before
we hang up, you know

I assume, you want to
tell me something...

Like, you know, having to do...
With missing me?

You know what, Ben?

You don't have to say it,
I know you're torn.

I think I really would miss you

if you ever left me alone
for more than 10 minutes.

Hmm, alright.

Make me miss you, Ben,
make me miss you.

I like the way you're talking.

Dr. Katz, I was
reading this book

and they said hypnotism can help
you remember your childhood,

so I think that
you should hypnotize me!

Okay, it's not my strength...

I-am-now-hypnotized!

I had a bad childhood!

Do you want me to
act like a chicken?

That would be nice!

I am not hypnotized anymore!

You know they say you
can't be hypnotized

if you don't want to be.

I-am-now
hypnotized.

Even though the kid
drives me crazy,

he is my best friend
in the whole world.

Yeah.

He's the one guy I can
tell anything to...

And I know that he
won't be listening.

Ha, oh...

You need somebody like that!

I could use a "Deaf ear".

I think it's very important
that he get out there...

See if he can function
as an adult human.

I think this trip
is very good for him

even though it was stressful...
The whole thing of packing

and knowing what to take.

Right.

You know, when
I was a sales manager...

- Did you just eat your booger?
- No!

Then what did you do with it?

There wasn't any!
There wasn't any!

Did you wipe it under the bar?

No!

Did you?

Let me feel under the bar,
see if there's any...

- Oh my god!
- Oh my god!

Aaahhhhhh!

Dad!

Oh god, I hope that's you, Ben!

It is me!

What are you doing
home so early?

Is that half & half?

I wanted to give you
a good surprise

'cause I know I am home early.

You did, 24 hours,
who's counting?

You are!

Shut up for one second and
give your father a hello hug!

Tell me about the trip,
tell me everything!

Ssshhh!

Let me get it out!

I came home early because I...
Not 'cause I missed you...

But because, uh...

Was it fun to be with her?

It was good at first.

It was good seeing her
at the airport.

Uh-huh.

And then it was good
seeing her once again

when she saw me off
at the airport.

She's very busy.

Very demanding job,
being a lawyer.

I've learned a lot about
what it's like to be busy.

I was hoping that maybe
some of her get-up-and-go

would rub off on you!

It's not that easy, dad.

You gotta go to law school,

and, uh, you gotta
train, professionally.

You can't just do the
rubbing-off thing anymore.

Although I did
pick her up and rubbed.

No, and I also, because of
that, passed the LSATs.

I tell you something I did...
I liked flying... now I realize.

The flight back was much
better than the flight going.

You start to get used to it.

Were you sitting in
the aisle or the window?

No, aisle.

I prefer the aisle.

Why?

'Cause I never really like
asking someone to get up

when I have to
go to the bathroom.

Right.

And if you're on the aisle,
you're your own man.

Yeah, it's more freedom.

I'll tell you when I'm gonna
get up, I'm not gonna ask you.

I'll go right here!

The window... you have to ask
a couple of people sometimes.

Yeah.

"Sorry to bother you".

They have to get up
and get in the aisle.

Right.

Then when you come back,
the whole thing again.

Yeah.

And then later in the flight,
you have to go again.

Oh, dad enough, already!

I was just getting
happy to be back!

That's why, for me,
the aisle is, really,

the most desirable
seat there is.

Good-night.

I was reading about, uhh,
these places...

There's some in Florida
and some in California

called "Midget villages".

And only midgets live there,
it's all fenced off.

You gotta be a midget to get in.

And all the houses and the cars
are scaled down to their height

and... maybe I'm
a little bit perverse...

I would love to get
really liquored up

and then hop the fence and just
walk through the town going...

Woooo!

That would be so good
for my self-esteem, you know.

Yeah!

att*ck of the 5'5" guy!

My god those
are 30-length pants!

I don't know where I stand
on the gay issue, Dr. Katz!

Like I just agree
with whoever I'm talking to.

One guy can be like,

"2 guys having sex
is an insult to god!"

And I'm like, "Whooaaa,
praise the lord!"

And then another guy
can be, like,

"What 2 people do in their
privacy in their own home

is their own business"

and I'm like,
"Aah, I love men!"

You know what
the music means, Mitch.

We're gonna have to stop now.

Do you think I can bring
my own music next time?

If I let you bring your music,

I'd have too let everybody
bring their own music.

Am I your favorite
out of everybody?

I want you to be
very honest with me.

It would help me a lot...