05x56 - Feng Shui

[bunniefuu]

Dad, I gotta be honest with you.

Yeah.

And this has been
a feeling of mine

for maybe the last...


When we spend time together,
over breakfast...

Uh-huh.

Boring.

I appreciate your saying that.

I wish you had told me
that 16 years ago.

Yeah.

Sometimes I feel like
this is just a trough

where we come to feed.

We don't play as many games
anymore as we used to.

No, that's for sure.

One of the reasons
we don't is because

I'm 49 and I go
to work everyday.

I'd love to hang out and play.

...it
doesn't stop me!

Remember in restaurants we used to
play that game with a butter Kn*fe?

I would look at you...

But I would look at the reflection
of my lips in the Kn*fe.

Oh yes, I loved that game!

And you can do it with eyes and
noses too, it's really fun!

You can do this with a fork!

Owww!

Remember "Pass the mood"?

Like if one of us
is really in a bad mood...

Bad mood.

We'd try to pass that
to the other person...

'Cause sometimes that's the only way
to liberate yourself from a bad mood.

We were an unhappy family.

Small!

Yeah, small but unhappy!

That's how I like my eggs
and how I like my families.

How do you like your coffee?

Over easy.

There you go!

I remember when we
used to go on trips

we used to play...

We used to play car games.

Car games like, "I'm going on a vacation
and I'm going to bring my guitar."

Right.

And you would have to say,

"I'm going on a vacation and
I'm going to bring my guitar...

And something else."

We have to keep on
remembering...

"Bring my guitar and my
pick, my guitar pick".

Yeah, "I'm going on a vacation and
I'm going to bring my guitar,

my guitar pick and...
A portable radio".

Hmm, dumb.

"I'm going on a trip and I'm going
to bring my guitar, my guitar pick,

and I'm not gonna bring
the portable radio..."

No, no, you have to say that!

"But I'm gonna bring...

You have to say "The
portable radio."

My tuning fork"!

"I'm going on a trip, I'm going
to bring my guitar, guitar pick,

portable radio, tuning fork,
and rare roast beef sandwich

with Russian dressing
on rye bread."

I'm gonna bring
all that stuff...

No, no, Ben, you have
to name all those things

that's how the game works!

Let's play
"Pass the salt."

How about that?

Okay.

The uh... treasure hunt,
remember those?

Oh, the ones we used to have?

In the house...

Uh-huh.

On top of "ed"... no, there was
no "ed", that's a bad example...

Yeah, it's been a while!

Oh, the tension would build,
believe me, Ben, it would build.

Building now!

Yeah.

You have to go?

Okay, I gotta get out of here,
would you do me a favor?

Would you
take out the London broil...

What about the game
we were gonna have?

We can pick up
where we left off...

When you get home.

Yeah, would you take out
the London broil to defrost

so we can have that for dinner?

You got London broil?

Yes!

What's the occasion?

The occasion is, it's one of the three
things that I know how to make.

I don't see why I have to
do all the work, dad!

I mean why don't you
take it out before you go?

Like right now?

Because it will spoil,
you might wanna go out and...

I'll still eat it!

Ha ha ha!

You're such a good sport, Ben!

So you had a
self-consciousness

about being the
only Asian-American.

I can understand that.

'Cause I don't know if you've ever been
in a situation, where you go to a city

and you realize that you're the
only one of your kind, you know.

I'm in San Antonio one time

and I'm walking down
the "River Walk"

and I realize I'm one of the
only Asian people around

and I look across the river, and
there's a Chinese restaurant.

And the waitress looks at me
and I look at her

and we have that
"weird moment"...

And I realized it's
the same feeling I felt

every Halloween
when I was a kid...

I'd go trick or treating

I'd dress up like Batman

and then I'd look
across the street

and there'd be another Batman!

And you have these two 4-foot
batmen staring at each other

on a windy October night.

My dad was a single parent...

And it's mostly
brothers in my family

so it's kinda like
a reverse "Joy Luck Club."

Uh-huh.

And I don't know if you saw the
movie or read the book, but...

You know what I hated about
"The Joy Luck Club"?

The movie and the book?

What a lousy dinner party
to go to!

Yeah.

Everybody's having a flashback!

It's gotta be really annoying
after a while!

Sure!

"It's a really good salad, what
kind of dressing are you using?

My mother
was a concubine!"

What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm gonna do a
little dramatic scene

to sort of describe my father

this is a quick scene
from "Leave It to Beaver"

except the part of ward cleaver
is played by my father.

Gee, I'm sorry I ran away
and junk, but...

I just figured... with Wally
winning all the trophies and all

you didn't love me anymore,
do you forgive me?

Huh?

Umm...

There was a time we didn't have
really good communication.

I realized that and...
I remember one time

my dad's company had
a father-son picnic...

He invited his father!

- Dad!
- Yes?

Come over here for a sec...

Walk up to your son...

Okay.

Take a good look,
put your hand out...

Okay.

Here you go.

Oh my god, I've been subpoenaed.

No, dad, read!

"This is clue number 1..."

Uh-huh.

"To my father..."

You.

"From his son."

Me.

"If you want
clue number 2..."

Yeah?

This is...
Ben, you didn't...

I did!

"This is what
you must do..."

Uh-huh.

"Take a step
to your right..."

Right.

"And lift me up
with all your might."

Right, right, right, read on.

Uh...

And move it along, dad!

"If you want clue number 2, it's
underneath young Benny's shoe!"

That's right!

Ben, is this the beginning
of what I think it is?

Treasure hunt!

Dad, I've handed you the clue,
let's get it started!

Do you mind if we play this
after dinner, is that okay?

No, that is not okay.

Can't we pick up
with clue number 2

just put that aside and we'll
have some London broil and...

Dad, I'll get to that later

but right now all day...

There is 54 clues... all over
the house and outside!

You know...

And it won't take but 4
or maybe 5 hours to finish...

We'll eat late!

Ben, have you never
read about these families

who die of starvation
playing treasure hunt?

Ha ha ha!

They d*ed because of
too many clues...

I understand, dad, but that
was hundreds of years ago...

Okay, well,
how about we do that,

why don't we start with
a little shrimp cocktail

and we'll go hunting.

You know what, get to lifting.

C'mon, grab right here!

Okay, I'm actually into
the game, don't get me wrong...

I wanna go on a hunt!

Dad, you don't understand...

Yeah?

You have to get clue number 2!

One, because I want to move!

Right.

And two, I hid the London broil.

You hid a piece of meat?

I hid the piece of meat,
that's the end of the hunt.

I'll give it a sh*t, Ben,
but if I can't lift you

you gonna have to remember
what's in that clue.

Fine, just give it a sh*t!

Okay.

You can't get me, can ya?

No.

Dad, you're so close, you've
got your eye on the prize

just finish the deal!

Give it the proverbial
"Coup de grâce", shall we say?

I don't really...

Put a b*llet in its head.

I don't appreciate being
referred to as an old geezer

and in spite of the fact that
it rhymes with... oh, my god!

There's a London broil
in the freezer!

So few words
rhyme with freezer...

That's right.

And umm, you're
sort of an old geezer...

I will give you
credit for the...

That is an ingenious
hiding place...

Oh, thanks, dad.

You did figure out
of an inventive way

not to do the one thing
I asked you to do!

I think that's my charm!

I gotta get some food
in my system, Ben...

Because even if I wasn't hungry

I think I would be
furious at you!

Well, suck on this!

It's called
London broil... frozen!

That's not so bad, frozen!

No, it isn't!

Hey, Laura, you like fun, right?

Umm... yeah.

Well, fasten your
fun seat belt...

Huh?

I have a fun thing
for you to do...

Really?

And here it comes
in the form of a clue...

Oh.

I don't want you...

I think I've already...

To balk, man,

but take a look
inside your walk-man...

I already found them.

Oh?

Dr. katz, I have
a surprise for you!

And what's that?

Umm, the M&M's that
you put in my walk-man...

Ruined it.

Oh man!

So, I don't mean to...

I'm sorry.

Ruin your treasure hunt...
But umm...

No, that was careless of me
and I owe you an apology.

And... well...
And a walkman.

Apology accepted.

Can you tell me, Brian...
And take your time with this

your earliest childhood memory.

Well, it's a painful one.

Nothing wrong with that.

Umm...

Doesn't have to
be your childhood.

Oh, okay.

I remember the doctor
slapping me...

I was fooling around with his
tongue depressors on his desk

he's very touchy about that,
I was 12...

So when you were 12,
you're already living where?

I grew up in the suburbs

in a neighborhood that was
not very tough at all.

Even our school bully was
only passively aggressive.

He wouldn't take your lunch,
he'd just say,

"You're gonna eat all that?"

I was never a tough kid,
I had one fight my whole life

and I broke my hand.

I don't know why the guy was
punching me in the hand

but, it really hurt.

Is the role of father something
that's coming naturally to you?

The thing I have
the most trouble with

is trying to discipline
my little guy

because everything he does
makes me laugh

and you don't want to send the
wrong message, you know?

Like last week...

He'd somehow gotten a hold
of a carving Kn*fe

and he was stabbing
my in-laws repeatedly.

It was funny, but I had to
be like, "No, that's bad!"

For his birthday, my wife bought
him this little plastic tool belt

so he can be just like his dad.

'Cause I like to wear
a little plastic tool belt.

Now we have that in common.

Yeah.

He's all excited because
I took him out the other day

and he got to meet a policeman.

Oh, sure, that's fun for a kid.

He also got to meet a traffic
judge and a defense attorney.

Not so fun.

It was an eventful day!

Dad!

Son!

Welcome to my world!

I'm not gonna say I'm obsessed,
but take a look around.

It's all clues!

It's great!
I love it!

Everything, is a clue.

But the one, right now,

this one right here and
if you can take a gander...

It's German, isn't it,
is this German you wrote?

No, that's the first clue...

"Tenibac enicidem eht"...

No, no, no.

It's German, isn't it?

First of all, where did
you get the "hukh"?

It's implied.

No, "tenibac."

"Tenibac."

"Enicidem."

"Enicidem."

"Eht."
"Eht."

"Edisni kool."

That's the first clue!

That is brilliant, Ben.

Yeah.

Let me just hold this up
to the mirror for one sec...

How did you guess?

That would be uh...?

'Cause the last word I caught on
was "look" backwards.

Umm.

This is the only one
that's backwards...

The rest are Latin.

Go!

Okay?

Go, enjoy, have fun!

This one's gonna take a while.

I think I found it, Ben,
I think I found another clue...

Yeah?

But I can't make this out,
where is my reading glasses?

Maybe the reading glasses
are what you need to find.

But unless I find... oh, I have
another pair in my bag here...

I don't think you do!

Ben!

Yeah!

I don't want
to read it out loud!

I don't wanna read it at all!

I just want to
get paid and go home.

Very rarely, Laura, do I ask you
to do something special for me...

But I really labored
over this thing...

Alright!

Please...

Just don't whine!

Thank you.

"Pick it up and then press play

and pretty soon
you'll have your pay."

Thank you.

And just tell me one thing,
did you enjoy that?

No!

Okay, just checking.

I've had moments, though, when I
understand what the homeless feel like.

If you want to understand what
a homeless person feels like,

ask somebody for jumper cables.

Hmmm.

Everyone looks at you, like
you're just the biggest freak.

"Excuse me, can you help me out?

Do you have jumper cables?

Come back here!

Hellooo!"

Hello, Laura, walk over
to the window sill

and there you will
find another clue

and once you get there
and see this other clue

push play again.

Now go to the...

Hope you had as much...

And now Laura if
you've done this...

Open up your bottom drawer...

And there inside...
If I'm correct... is...

The last week's paycheck,
I took the liberty to...

All these names that these
companies give for these products!

Corporate America knows that
these names gotta be catchy

and then you gotta remember it
and buy it, right?

I had a bowl of
"Life" cereal this morning

so I'm still coming
down from that high.

That's my favorite name of any food
out there right now, "Life" cereal!

You gotta be a cocky marketing whiz
to sell that name to a company.

"We have this new crunchy breakfast
cereal but... what are we gonna call it?"

Gentlemen!

There's only one thing
we can call it!

"Life"!

Hey, Laura!

Hi.

I actually just came by 'cause
I'm planting a clue here.

No more clues.

No, not for you, for my dad.

Well, your father just had me go on
a treasure hunt for my paycheck.

Did he really?

Well, he just left all
the clues on his "Voice-it".

He left the clues
on the voice-it?

Yeah.

Huhh, that's not bad!

Were the clues good?

I don't know, I didn't
listen to them.

How could you find it?

I skipped to the end.

Hmmm, see that's
where he always falters.

Uh-huh.

That's my strong suit.

The ability to just keep
my mouth shut until it is over.

Uh-huh.

But I'm glad my dad...
He's got the fever!

I was like him once, now it's
like, "Well, it's another hunt!"

So did he
hide the voice-it...

Make you find the voice-it
first with another clue or...

No, it was just on the desk.

Ah... that's not good.

What I would have done would be
to write a handwritten clue

that would lead you
to the voice-it.

You see what I mean?

You gotta love the process,
is really what I'm saying.

It's an art form really!

It's like haiku!

Did I say it's like haiku?

Uh-huh.

It's more like chess, but without
the pieces, except the pawns.

It's not really like chess.

Do you know
the game "Parcheesi"?

I don't feel well.

You know, when Ben
was... maybe 6

he was hooked on
"Knock-knock" jokes.

But he didn't really get them!

I'll give you an example,
I'll be Ben...

Knock-knock?

Yeah, who's there?

Michael.

Michael who?

You know Michael in
the third grade who...

No, no, see, he
didn't understand...

He didn't understand
the joke part...

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Madame.

Madame who?

My damn foot's
stuck in the door!

Ha ha!

We used to play "Telephone"
at the dinner table.

Oh, I love that game!

"Telephone"?
Oh, you mean where you...

Yeah.

It got tough when it
was just me and Ben

that's just,
"Can you speak up please?"

Ha!

When Ben was about 18 months old

he was too young for us
to trust him with a sitter

if we wanted privacy Roz and I
would play "Hide and seek"

and he would hide
but we wouldn't seek!

Sad.

Well, he just thought he was
extremely good at hiding!

And every once in a while
we would yell,

"Give us another hint!"

Ha ha!

You know what I'm getting the sense from
this conversation about our childhood?

- What?
- Unhappy?

That's right!

We didn't have a good time
individually or collectively.

Hey, dad?

Yeah?

Did you put something
on my head last night?

I got up early and I was
sort of dreaming of clues...

Uh-huh.

And I figured, why the hell
should I sleep through this...

When I could be sticking
stuff on your forehead!

Yeah, good for you!

Yeah.

Can I ask you something?

Yes!

Pull your pants down!

Ha ha ha!

Check your ass...
What do you find?

Oh, my god!

One-upped you!

Aah!

I like the head thing
though, that was good!

I mean I didn't notice it until
I saw myself in the mirror!

It's less invasive than
your technique, you know...

Yeah.

What's happened to us, Ben?

This is not good!

Remember that thing when "You're 49
now and you're too old to play?"

Yeah.

What changed?

I checked my driver's license
and I'm not 49 yet.

Ha ha ha!

I have another 6 months,
so I can play like a maniac!

So you can still have fun!

Yeah.

So take a look
in the mirror and take...

Well, I'll just
take the clue off.

But hair's gonna come off
when I rip this baby off.

Maybe you should do it.

Sure, I'll do it!

Owwwww!

There you go.

Alright, "This might
make you feel real ill

but check inside
your cereal!"

Umm, the other one
that I was working with was...

"Sometimes, son,
the going gets rough..."

Uh-huh.

"So check inside
the Panda Puffs."

That's better.

So use that one!

Alright, fine.

Dad, the "Help wanted"...

That's very clever,
is this a clue?

It's a hint!

But I also hid something else...

What?
What's that?

Look under "Part-time"...

Yeah...

And I circled some words that
if you string them together

is your next clue...

Uh-huh.

What's the first word
in there that I've circled?

"Get"

Second word?

"A"

Third word?

"Job"

That's very funny, dad.

Yeah.

You know what, though?

I'm done playing!

There's a TV, I gotta watch it.

I hid the remote, Ben!

You hid the remote?

Yeah.

Where's the clue?

That was the clue,
I told you, I hid the remote!

So I gotta go find it?

I gotta go to the
bathroom, excuse me!

Well, good luck
finding the toilet paper!

I don't use that anymore!

Ha ha ha!

Good luck finding your hand!

Oh, no!

You know, in India, dad...

Yeah.

There is no toilet paper!

Is that true?

Good luck finding India!

Check and
check-mate!

My kindergarten teacher
hated me.

She used to find
any excuse to pick on me

especially
during nap-time.

Like I'm the only guy in the
world who sleeps naked.

I remember I took the
SATs in high school

and I got caught cheating
on the SATs...

I'd written one of
the answers down on my hand...

The letter "b."

I'd get to one I don't know...

"B."

"B" again!

Now that my dad's retired
he's gone back to college

and we're very proud of him...

Sure.

Except when he comes home
from a keg party

and pees out the window

then we're not as proud.

I hated going to the gym

'cause every time I go to the
gym that one guy's always there,

the guy that screams
way too much when he works out.

It's like working out
with Charlton Heston...

Aaaaaaarrrgghhh!

Damn you all to hell, argghhh!

This guy will sit all day
with a Thighmaster...

Aaaarrrggghhh!

Aaarrrgghhhhh!

There's an eyeball rolling
across the gym floor...

It's a madhouse!

I realized that uh... city life is just...
Really dulling my senses

I'm just getting
really complacent.

Have you ever tried looking for
an oil-change coupon in the mail?

No.

"Missing kid...

Missing kid...

Missing kid...

Carpet cleaning $29.95",
what a rip-off!

Missing kid...

Missing kid...

Oil change!"

Kevin, you know
what the music means.

We're gonna have to stop now.

Our time is up.