05x58 - Paranoia

[bunniefuu]

You really shouldn't use a Kn*fe

to get toast out of the toaster

that's very dangerous.

No, I'm not trying
to get the toast out.

I'm trying to get the fork out!

Oh!

You know, this really irks me...

What's that?

This city alderman...
Who was indicted

for taking kickbacks
during a sting operation...

- What did you say?
- Ow!

Gosh!

This thing is plugged in!

I voted for the wrong guy, Ben,
that's what I'm saying.

What did he do?

Well, according to the paper,
he had his hand in the till.

Oh, he was...

He was embezzling money
from the city...

Really?

Transferring it into his
own personal account.

That's, uh...
Bad for the city, huh?

It's bad for the city,
it's bad for politics!

Yeah.

Sometimes I wish I had
chosen that path, you know?

I think I could've
made a real contribution...

As a public servant.

Right.

But uhm, what would you do
as alderman, seriously?

Just give me your platform.

End corruption in city politics.

Okay, that's pretty good.

I would like to, uh... bring
crime back to the streets

out of our homes...

Crime is in the home now?

No, I'd like to clean up the
criminal element in the city.

Criminal element?

Yeah!

What decade are you living in?

What are you?
Bat man?

What's your position
on nuclear weapons?

Hate 'em.

Good.

Hi, uh, Laur...
Laura is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, hi.

Hi.

I'm uh...
Louis C.K.

Uh-huh.

Louis...

Right.

C... just C-period,
K-period.

Okay, got it!

Yeah, well, I'm supposed
to be here, now?

Yeah!

For the doctor, katz?

Right, could you take a
seat over there, please?

You don't want to ask me...
About my name?

No!

Okay!

Just that people usually
think it's really weird and...

They want to
hear the funny story...

Well, hee hee,
well, okay, I don't.

No, I don't wanna tell it to you

I was just wondering
if you wanna hear...

Okay... no, people
usually want to know.

Uh, how... what's up with
the... with "Laura"?

What kind of name is that?

Is that like, uh...
Acronym for something?

It's Hungarian.

Before I went on the road,
I was back home in New York...

Uh-huh.

People are so mean there.

Like, um...
Everywhere you go,

there's some kid working
behind the counter.

He's like, "Uh,
everything's lame, ew."

So, I went to buy an ice-cream
cone at this place...

It's, like,
"Cool" ice cream, you know?

And there's all these
flavors on the board

and I'm looking at 'em...

And you're really serious when
you're checking out your flavors

going, "Hmm... now what?
I don't like raisins..."

So, there's this
flavor called, "Chips Ahoy".

And I'm thinking that could be
a lot of things... "Chips Ahoy"!

Maybe there's a
lot of chips in it!

Hmm.

So, I go up to the kid...

This little snotty kid
with the nose earring

and he's like "Uughh..."
And I went over and said,

"Excuse me,
what is 'Chips Ahoy'?"

And I swear to god,
he goes, "Guess!"

I was like, "I don't know,
I don't know! What is it?"

And he says, "Have you ever
heard of 'Chips Ahoy' cookies?

Have you ever heard of 'em?"

And I was like, "Yeah..."

"Well, they're in
vanilla ice cream... duhh."

And I just...
I started crying.

You know what
I like to do, Dr. katz,

when I'm really bored?

Uh, give me a hint.

I like to go up
to total strangers

and just start
conversations with them!

Yeah.

It's really fun, if you ever
have nothin' to do

just go up to somebody
you don't know

and just start a conversation.

But, the fun way to do it...

Don't start the conversation
in the beginning...

Just start it in the middle.

Right.

Just walk up to somebody
in a store and just say,

"Yeah, how d'you
think I felt?"

Or, like, knock on
your neighbor's door

and when they
answer the door just go,

"So that's why
he was acting so weird!"

Yeah.

I also like to, uh...
Go shopping a lot.

I like to
go to "K-Mart"...

Right.

The thing I like about "K-Mart"
is that the variety is amazing!

You can buy everything there!

And there are certain
combinations of things

that you can
buy at "K-Mart"

that you can't buy
at other places.

And there's certain things that
if you buy them together...

Like if you buy certain things
by themselves, nobody cares

but if you buy them
in combinations

people kinda get
a little freaked-out.

Like what?

I like to go there and go,

"Hi, I need a jar of mayonnaise,
and a stopwatch, and a Bible,

I need a case of motor oil, and a
huffy 10-speed, and a blonde wig,

...a road flare and
a pair of pink panties!"

Hi!

Hey!

Hi!

Hey.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi!

Hi.

Hey.

My sister's
so much deeper than me.

She's just a deeper person,
you know... even as kids.

Um-hmm.

She's just
an older soul, you know.

We were sitting at the breakfast
table and she said, uh,

"You know, Sarah, I think that the enemy
of fear and tension is involvement."

Right.

I said, "Yeah...

Grandma's fat".

Went out to dinner last night
at this really nice restaurant

the ladies' room
was out-of-order.

I had to use the mens' room,
which is so humiliating!

Sitting in that urinal...

Oh!

Dirty...

Then I flush,
now my back was all wet!

Oh, I was, uh... licking jelly
off of my boyfriend

and, um, all of a sudden
I'm thinking,

"Oh, my god,
I'm turning into my mother!"

Hmm.

I talk during sex,
I can't help it.

It's, like, it's beyond
my control, y'know.

It's, umm...
It just moves me, too.

I always find myself
talking during sex.

I'm always
saying stuff like, uh,

"...Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Easy... Buddy!"

Dr. Katz's office!

Laura! Hi, Ben.

Laura, Laura, how are you?

Ben, why are you calling?

I was having a conversation
with my dad this morning

and apparently he wants to, uh,
maybe get into politics.

Really?
Why?

I don't know whether
it's gonna be soon

it looks like there's an opening
for, uh, the alderman position.

Oh, great.

That's exciting, huh?

Really.

Listen, this is more of a
business call, not a social call.

So I may have to cut you off
on the, uh... chit-chat,

and let's get down to business.

We worked out some platforms
this morning over breakfast.

And uh, my idea was, handicapped
parking for everyone!

You know...

I think you need
to think that through.

Um, I'll tell
you something, Laura

it sounds glamorous, "alderman",
but it is a difficult position

that requires a lot of
responsibility.

Do you know what those
responsibilities are?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, there's a lot.

Like what?

Well, umm, I dunno if
you're familiar with the, uh...

The verb "to alder", hah!

Not really, actually.

It's a very complicated
political process.

Could you explain it to me?

You know, I could, but, uh,

if I explain it to you,
I would bore you,

and I don't want to
jeopardize my dad's campaign.

Hmmm.

You know I was
a non-believer too

when he first mentioned it.

In fact, I laughed
right in his fat face.

But now, I see the up side
to running for alderman.

And what's that?

Chicks love it!

I think.

I have a cough...

Yeah.

And, uh, I had to get cough
medicine for it this morning

I look on the
back of the bottle...

Uh-huh.

It said,
"Keep away from children!"

Right.

Which makes me so sad, you know,

because I really...
I love children!

Yeah, I really don't
wanna subject myself

to the kind of
public humiliation,

the kind of scrutiny
that you go through...

As soon as you
try to enter public life...

Public humiliation
is a good thing.

Yeah, but things would
come out of these things.

If I ran for office,
all of a sudden...

Oh, they would start to pry
into your personal life...

That's right.

Things would surface
that I really would not...

No, it's true, probably there's
a lot of things in your past

that you probably
don't want brought out.

But I think, fortunately,
when you run for alderman,

I don't think
they pry that deeply...

Believe me, they pry, Ben.

Did you, um...
What have you done

that could, potentially,
be ruinous to a campaign?

You don't have to pry,
let them do it!

No, I need to know this now dad,
as your campaign manager...

Well, first of all, I'm
not running for anything.

Well, if you were to run

is there something I should
know about that you...

A couple of affiliations
I've had to organizations

that are...
A little shady, you know.

I saw a picture
of you back in the '60s,

and you were smoking a
pipe, what was in that?

Well, that's the kind of
thing that would come up.

I mean, I already released
that picture to the press.

That's called
a "Preemptive move".

That's a good idea,
put them on the defensive!

What I am doing is,
I am... exactly

I am putting the
whole system on trial.

Bravo, bravissimo!

Yeah!

I really appreciate how
supportive you're being now,

and even entertaining
the notion that it's

something I could succeed at

I find very supportive
and flattering.

But, guess what?

What's that?

I'm not interested!

Well, dad, honestly,
if you run, you will win.

And not only you're gonna win...

We're gonna win, right?

I like being a therapist,
Ben, I like who I am.

Hey, I don't want to
hear that kind of talk!

Hey, wait a minute,
that can be our slogan!

What?

"I don't wanna hear
that kind of talk!"

Isn't that kind of
a long, dumb slogan?

"Long, dumb slogan!"
That's it!

"We don't need any
long, dumb slogans."

See, everything
you say is gold, dad!

You gotta go into politics!

Good-bye Ben!

"Good-bye Ben!"
See, you're into it!

So, uh...
I've been traveling.

I've been on the road
a lot, traveling.

And you kinda get lonely...

Sure!

When you're travelling,
and you don't, uh...

There's certain things
that people might say to you

that wouldn't
bother you otherwise,

but they stand out.

Like I was at the airport...

Uh-huh.

And I'm checking in
and the lady said, uh,

"Did you pack
your bags yourself?"

I was like, "Yeah, just me... in
the room this morning... alone."

And she's like,

"Did anyone give you anything
to bring on the plane?"

"No."

Who's getting presents
before they go on airplanes?

I wanna get a present!

I don't think presents
is the issue, Louis.

And I kinda get nervous
when I fly... sometimes we're...

I was flying from
New York to San Francisco

and the pilot came on...

Well, we're sitting on the
ground for, like, an hour

'cause there was
bad weather in San Francisco

so they wouldn't
let us take off...

Uh-huh.

And then the pilot comes on,

"Good evening passengers,

we have an idea up here
in the cockpit.

They won't let us take off
to go to San Francisco

so we're going to say that
we're going to Las Vegas

and halfway through
we'll switch!"

And we're all looking
at each other and saying,

"What the hell is this?

Don't pull a fast one
on the safety guys!"

Like we're all going...

"Yeah, screw those,
what do they know?!

Stick it... to them!"

Yeah, I was wondering, Laura...

Actually, later this afternoon
if you have time, or after work,

you'd want to drop by the, uh...
Campaign headquarters.

Where is that?

It's right here at the house.

And what would
we be doing there, Ben?

We'd work on "The campaign,"
and I made "Air quotes".

You know what I'm saying?

No, I don't.

I'm saying, you want to get on
this political train, baby!

You don't want to get off,
we're on a roll, here!

Don't you hear
the phones ringing?

No.

Brrrrr!

Brrrrr!

Laura, hold on one sec...

Brrrr!

You know, forget it,
I'm not gonna get it!

Brrrr!

You uh... ahh forget it
I'll get it!

Hey, Ben!

No, I'm not gonna get it
'cause I've been working...

Brrrrr...

...all morning... brrrrppp!

And I'm just sick
and tired of... brrrppp!

But I'll get it!

Hold on... Katz's HQ!

Oh, man, we have fun!

No, honestly, I, uh,
I'm kinda a new man, here...

I mean, I have more
responsibilities, I paint posters.

I have a staff of...
One 7-year-old girl

who lives upstairs who's
helping me paint the posters!

And she's doing
a pretty damn good...

Not the red!

It's weird relating to all of
the different kinds of people

in America
when you travel around.

- Like, I was in Maine...
- Right.

And people up there
have weird accents.

I could hardly understand
anything anybody

was saying to me 'cause
the accent was so weird!

Like, I went up to this guy at
the gas station, I said "Hello"

and he said...

I was like, "Wow, that's
like another language, almost!"

Right.

And in Minnesota, too, you know,
the Minnesota accent.

I went there and I was just
trying to get directions.

I asked this lady, "How do I get
to the interstate?"

And she said... "La, la-la, la-la!"

So, I don't know

I need somebody to
help me with that one!

So, dad!

Hmm?

What did you do today?

What didn't I do today!

That's what I like to hear!

I just need to know if you've
had any subversive leanings?

I am a subversive!

You are?

In the larger sense of the word.

Right.

And this country,
Benjamin Daniel Katz,

was built by subversives.

No, dad, they were...
Puritans, I thought.

Let me check...

All the great leaders
of this country

were subversive, in some way.

You think so?

Yeah.

Dad, are you now,
or have you ever been

a member of the communist party?

See, those are two
separate questions, Ben.

And it didn't seem
like a party at the time.

Were you active
in college politics?

No, I, umm...

I was president of my class!

Is that an appointed position?

No, it's... what?

I just don't see you putting
yourself on the line that way!

What was your platform?

I don't remember.

I'll help you remember!

Yeah, help me remember!

Elect me, and you'll never...

Blank...
Blank

in the blank again!

How about this!

What do we want?
Blank!

When do we want it?
Now!

What would you have said then?

Are we helping?

You're not helping!

But you guys aren't
political now, are you?

I mean, I've never seen you...
I never hear about this.

You guys don't come in here
talking about politics.

Umm, I'm sort of political.

Really?

Yeah.

I wrote a paper called
"Social politics"...

That was you?
I read that!

I think I read it!
Did I say I wrote it?

You said you wrote it!

I'm sorry, I meant
to say, I read it!

Ooohh, yeah!

I was wondering...

If either of you
feel sort of bad

that you aren't still
involved in politics,

in the way that you were
when you were in college,

and that's why you were just...
This is just something, uh...

Sometimes I miss
that sense of belonging.

Uh-huh.

I actually... I was part
of the anti-w*r movement!

Oh yeah?
Did you march?

I marched but I was
always 10 minutes late.

Hmmm.

So you didn't actually
march, you were just like...

I marched near Washington!

How close did you get?

Bethesda.

Did you guys... either of you
burn your draft cards?

Yep.

You did?

But speaking of burning,
did you, uh...

You were wondering
if I b*rned my bra?

Did you burn your bra?

No, I read about women
doing that, I never did it!

You ever roast marshmallows?

Ha ha ha!

Dad!
I'm glad you're home!

Exciting news today...

Yeah?

We have competition now!

Who is that?

I read in the paper today,
that there's another guy

who's apparently gonna be
running for alderman!

So now, we can uh...
Really get our talons in...

Start attacking this guy!

I have some good news
for you too, exciting news!

What's that?

Uh, I made reservations
for us in the real world!

Ha ha, what are
you talking about?

The real world is where
you and I used to live

until you got into
this wacky campaign mode.

I'm not really interested
in running for anything!

I don't feel like I can play
this game anymore, Ben.

I just don't want to play...

Dad, dad?

Yeah?

Which game don't
you want to play?

The game where
I'm running for office

and you're my running mate
or my campaign manager.

I like it better when
we were just a couple of guys...

Just a father and a son.

Yeah.

I mean, I think that
you have the taste for

this political life now,
it's in your blood!

I think I've been a pretty
decent campaign manager.

You've been better than decent,
you've been superb, Ben!

Yeah.

And I think you could
make somebody

a very good campaign manager...

Hmm.

Provided they were interested
in running for office.

That's one of the requirements.

I just thought dad, this is
a good opportunity for you

to get something else
going in your life,

to start believing in stuff!

I believe in stuff, Ben!

And politics is a good way
to reach people and...

You know what else
isn't bad, is the phone.

Yeah.

You're not even in politics

and you know how many
times I've lied today?

How many times?

Oh my god, like a hundred!

Just to practice?

Yeah.

Even the greatest
politicians of our time, lied.

Really?

Even Lincoln, what was
his nickname?

"Honest Abe".

Well maybe that's
not a good example.

What about the guy
after Lincoln?

Washington?

No, dad, Washington
was the first president!

Oh, I thought you
meant alphabetically.

Yeah, actually today,
I drained the campaign fund.

Did you put in
an IOU?

No, I went to the arcade.

You took our campaign fund?

It was only $120!

Yeah.

But, man, did I
dump that off quick!

It was 2 hours at the arcade
but guess what I won you?

- What's that?
- This!

Oh my god!

That's right,
played "Skeetball."

Oh, I had to, uh...
I had to end a relationship

with a girlfriend of mine.

It was sad, we'd been
friends for a long time,

but she changed, you know.

She, uh...
She's a... what is it?

Not born-again Christian,
but... oh!

Pathological liar!

My sister just got married...

That's great!

It was fun, it was
a neat wedding, you know...

They took each other's
last names and hyphenated it.

Uh-huh.

So... now my sister's name is
Susan Silverman-Abramowitz.

They're just gonna shorten it
to just, uh...

Jews.

Yeah.

It fits on the mailbox.

Sure!

My father was at the wedding and
that was really awkward for me.

It was uncomfortable,
I guess, 'cause, uh...

When I was 14 I went out
with my father's best friend.

Really?

And, uh...
That's embarrassing!

You know, my father having
a 14-year-old best friend.

Loser!

I had a gay dream
the other night.

This was really weird, Dr. Katz,
I had a gay dream.

And I didn't know
I was having a gay dream

until partway through.

See here's how it was...
The dream...

I was at a cafe in Italy
with a friend of mine

and we're sitting there
having espressos and...

Yeah, gay dream...

These 2 young Italian boys,
come up to us they say,

"Come swimming with us,
we're going to go swimming.

Come on, it's going to be
very nice to go swimming!"

And you know, it's a dream,
so we were like,

"What the hell, why not,

you know, go swimming
with these Italian kids?"

So I get on the back
of the kid's scooter there

and we go into the mountains.

So they take off their clothes,

and they start swimming
and they're saying to us,

"Come on in to the water!

It's beautiful,
don't be afraid!"

So we're starting to get
undressed, and I asked my friend

"Is this gay, do you think,

to swim with
Italian teenage boys?"

And my friend's like,
"No, of course not!"

And I said,
"Yeah, you're right."

Anyway, so, I'm making out
with one of them, you know...

Like, kissing him,
and it hit me all at once!

Of course, this is gay!

What the hell was I thinking!?

You know what the
music means, Louis?

This is totally gay!

It's time to stop,
our time is up!