06x04 - Shrinks Don't Talk and Kids Don't Sing

[bunniefuu]

Okay, philosophy book, check.

And toothbrush, toothpaste, check.

Hey, if you're running away from home,

letting your mommy pack your bag for you

kind of ruins the shock value.

When you're a commuter student,

you don't have a dorm room

to go back to and grab anything.

Whatever I might need has to be in there

since once I get to school,
I'm basically stranded.

Oh, so it's kind of like
"Naked and Afraid,"

except you're wearing a cardigan

and there's a Jamba Juice
at the student union.

I even take a blow-up pillow

so I can relax on the cement bench

by the fountain between classes.

If I leave my hat on the ground,

people put money in it.

I'm a commuter student too.

But sometimes when I have
a long day on campus,

my friends with dorm rooms
let me crash there.

Well, not "let me"

insomuch they're not
strong enough to move me.

Come on, it's not that bad, right?

You're on campus.

You got great classes.

You're making money
with your little hat.

No, it's fine.

Well, I mean, if it's not,
then talk to me.

I wasn't complaining, Mom.

I'm just trying to get out the door.

Oh, you better not complain.

Yesterday I tattooed teardrops
on a guy who kept saying,

"Can't you go any faster?"

as the sirens got louder.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, wow.

Is he... is he going to school
or backpacking across Europe?

Now, no Conner has ever seen Europe,

and it's probably not gonna happen

until we can get there
in an old pickup truck.

I knew I'd find you here.

I could smell the bacon
walking up the driveway.

I'm not here for the bacon.

I'm here to spend time with my family.

My crunchy applewood-smoked family.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I need to vent.

I'm trying to put everything in order

for Harris to start
taking over The Lunch Box,

but the paperwork, it's crazy.

Business license, food handler license,

liquor permit.

You have no idea what the man

puts us small business owners through.

Oh, I do. I run my own hardware store.

I have my own drywall business.

Yeah, I used to manage Casita Bonita.

I ran an Orange Julius in Minnesota.

Sometimes, it's okay to just listen.

So is anyone interested...

Nope.

Wait till I ask.

Is anyone interested

in coming to Beverly Rose's school...

ALL: No.

Oh, come on.
Doesn't anyone want to help

make a difference
in a young person's life?

- ALL: No.
- Hell no.

Oh, I need someone in our family

who has musical ability to come
teach in Beverly Rose's class.

They have no arts budget,

and these kids need music
in their lives.

Well, I play piano.

They had to sell the piano

to fund 30 minutes of PE a month.

The first class was the kids
carrying out the piano.

I can teach the kids
how to play the harmonica.

It's fun passing one around
with your friends,

if you don't mind trench mouth.

How about you, Louise?

You play guitar, you sing,
and you don't have a disease

from a Ken Burns documentary.

You know, actually, I'd love to.

I was just talking to Dan
about how I want to teach music

now that I'm off the road.

So we're just moving on

without seeing
what I might have to offer?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jackie.

I didn't know you had any talent.

Ouch!

I played a hell of a tambourine
in a jam band

right after high school.

Tambourine is not a real instrument.

Bands let the girl they want
to sleep with play tambourine

so she won't leave.

Maybe that's why they took

all the little metal things out of it.

Those bad boys.

[laughs]

They just wanted to see
this hot thing shake it.


and Kids Don't Sing[/i]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

ALL: ♪ It's the hammer of justice ♪

♪ It's the bell of freedom ♪

♪ It's a song about love ♪

♪ Between my brothers and my sisters ♪

♪ All over this land ♪

One more, everybody except Becky.

ALL: ♪ All over this land ♪

[applause]

Oh, that was great, everybody.

Becky, can you hand out
the lyrics to the next song?

The kids are so into it.

This is the longest Walter has gone

without stabbing anybody with a pencil.

Oh, this is Ms. Ainsworth,
the principal.

I would love to talk to you
about an idea I have

for a part-time music program.

I could do it a few days a week.

It would cost you next to nothing.

How next to nothing would you be,

right next to it or practically on it?

Gas money.

Pay for my lunch.

Printer paper could go missing
now and again.

Deal.

Okay, what you have in front of you

are the lyrics to a really fun song

called "Dancing Queen."

Okay.

Let's hand back all of these pages.

Don't even look at them.

I accidentally looked at mine.

What's going to happen to me?

You're going to be fine, Albert.

We're just going to let
the next class come in.

And all of you are going
to have an early recess.

Class dismissed.

What's wrong with this song?

We dance to at home.

I don't know, honey.

But why don't you go comfort Albert?

And remember,
don't turn your back on Walter.

What's going on?

Look, we would love to have
more music for the kids,

but this song is about a queen,
and some of the parents

are going to interpret that
to be about gender identity.

And then it's going to become a thing.

This is crazy.

I'm a parent, and I don't think

this song is about a drag queen.

And I wouldn't have
any problem if it was.

Me neither.

But these kids are going to go home

and tell their parents
that they sang a song

about a dancing queen.

The parents are gonna go
to the school board.

And then pretty soon, I'm looking

for a new dental plan under Obamacare.

If you want your program
approved by the school board,

I'd get ahead of this.

Submit an apology.

God, they're just songs about
different kinds of people.

Whatever happened to the love

between our brothers and our sisters?

Apparently, they can have
all the love they want,

as long as the brothers aren't
wearing the sisters' dresses.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to take out the trash.

This was a lunch date,
so thanks for inviting my dad.

Well, I had to buy him lunch.

I lost a bet.

Overestimated how many corn nuts

I could fit in my mouth.

I knew I'd feel weird being
back in a school cafeteria

without being high.

So I brought a beer.

Oh, well, good for you
engaging in self care.

You do know that you can't
drink in here, right?

This ain't my first rodeo.

Ah!

You'll get that back after class.

So I just saw Mark

coming out of the school
psychologist's office.

Do you think I should be
worried about that?

I mean, this is the danger of working

where your kid goes to school, right?

You're going to see some stuff,

and you're going to just have
to pretend like you didn't.

I just get the feeling
that something's bothering him.

And we used to talk about everything,

and he's being so distant
from me lately.

Maybe he just wants
to be more independent.

He's 18.

When I was his age, I was married,

working, paying bills,
and drinking beer,

which I'd like to do now.

Nope.

But what if he's going through
something, like, really big?

Or worse, what if it's
something that I did?

Honey, you're a great mom.

I can't see where he'd have
any complaints.

That's something I never worry about

because I know your mom and I
did a good job as parents.

Oh, my God, am I that delusional?

What's up?

I'm matching up lids and bowls.

Helps me think.

They're all different sizes,

so I have to try every lid
on every container

to find the right bowl.

Well, shouldn't be too hard.

We don't clean the dishes that well.

Just...

match up the lids
and bowls that smell the same.

It's lid matchup day?

Why didn't you call me? I love this.

Louise, stop.

Never, ever...

use opaque lids
on transparent containers.

These are for perishables only

so you can see if something is spoiled.

I don't want to overstate,

but I may have just saved a life.

You know, I'd really rather
just do this by myself.

Ooh, lid day!

I'm in.

I'm actually here to apologize

for what happened at school
the other day.

What's up?

Oh, I was going to sing an ABBA song,

and then the principal stopped me

because she thought that the parents

would find it inappropriate.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Last time I looked...
yep, it's still America.

We don't ban music

just because we disagree
with the message.

This calls for action.

Louise, I'm going to need
a piece of paper.

I'm going to need a pen.

I'm going to need
a very large rubber band.

And I'm going to need a brick.

You need to calm down.

They're not going to listen to me.

I don't even have a kid there.

I am going to apologize
to the school board

and then just let Becky deal with it.

It's her fight.

I saw the group text say it's lid day.

So I grabbed these that don't belong

to anything at our house.

Not a good time, Mark.

We're right in the middle
of something here.

We're talking about music being banned

at Beverly Rose's school.

They wouldn't let Louise
sing "Dancing Queen."

Have you heard all the other songs

the school board's been asked to ban?

John Lennon's "Imagine"? Come on.

It has the lyric about
imagining no religion.

"Lola"?

She's transgender.

"Billie Jean"?

Could be the illegitimate kid.

Or... or just Michael Jackson
in general.

"Rainbow Connection."
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

"Rainbowland."

Yep, no rainbows.

That's just openly anti-gay.

Or anti-leprechaun.

Either way, it's just wrong.

This... this is horrible.

I mean, what if I'd been
a kid in that room?

What if some of these kids
have gay parents?

What kind of message is that?

I guess my brick idea's
not looking so crazy now.

What are you going to do?

Well, you know I support you.

But the music program
is really important.

Music totally changed my life,

and those kids deserve the same chance.

I don't know, maybe I'll slip in

a rainbow song later on.

But right now, I'm not making waves.

Okay.

Well, Becky, if you want
to fight this, I'm in.

Somebody's got to.

I understand
that this isn't your problem,

but I thought you were
more of a badass than that.

Way to ruin lid day.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Hi. I'm Darlene.

I work in the cafeteria.

You are the school psychologist, right?

Yes. Carla Rogers.

Is it okay if I sit with you?

Promise not to trauma dump.

Everyone says that,
and they do it anyway.

Have a seat.

So my son goes to school here.

His name is Mark Conner-Healy.

Do you know him?

I can't say one way or the other.

Of course you can. I mean, we're both

university employees, colleagues.

If you think about it, we both
kind of have the same job.

We stir things up
until something disturbing

comes to the surface.

I've taken an oath that says
I can't divulge anything.

Yeah, I've taken an oath too,
you know, as a food server.

But if you came to me
and you wanted to know

what was in the chili, I would tell you.

I think I know.
That's why I bring my own food.

You'll have to talk to your son.

Okay.

How about I say
why I think he came to you,

and if I get it right,
then you take a bite

of one of those carrots you've
organized so beautifully.

My son is not in danger, right?

Oh, good.

That is the most important thing.

Okay.

Is he struggling
with his self-confidence

in a new environment because
his father abandoned him

at such a vulnerable point in his life,

even though his mother was
heroically supporting him

through such a difficult time?

Yes! Oh, that makes so much sense.

You know, as a mom, you worry
that it's something you did.

Wait, is it something that I did?

Wait, you're just
eating carrots, aren't you?

You're messing with me.

Is that in your Hippocratic Oath?

Oh, your little world's
not so tidy now, is it?

I'm free Wednesdays at 2:00.

How about 4:00? That's when I get off.

Is Mark home?

No, he should be here any minute.

Oh, but hang on.

Now, you know you can't ask him
about going to therapy.

Well, I'd like to respect his privacy.

That's why I tried
to shake down his psychologist.

But that carrot-eating witch
wouldn't cr*ck.

I guess we'll get into it
when I see her next week

at my session.

Hey.

How was school?

Okay. I was kind of tired.

You seem a little down.

Is that because of the depression

I might have given you
either through genes

or my well-intentioned parenting?

What? No.

I just haven't been sleeping that well.

You're lying up awake
thinking about how I drove

your father away, and it's left you

without the ability to form
long, trusting relationships

with other people?

What's going on?

Have you been listening to an audiobook?

No.

All right, look, I saw you
coming out of the school

psychologist's office.

And I know it was wrong,
but I tried to talk to her.

- I mean, she wouldn't tell me anything.
- You did what?

Didn't we agree that if I went
to school where you work,

that you weren't going to
interfere in my personal life?

Yeah, but I didn't sign anything.

Look, you always came to me
when you had a problem,

and now you barely talk to me.

- I need to know if you're okay.
- I'm okay.

I just want to live my own life.

All right. I get it. I crossed a line.

I'm sorry. I don't need to know.

I also don't need to eat,
and I don't need to sleep.

And then someday when I'm gone,

you can just whisper it to my grave.

Fine.

I went to the psychologist

because I'm having trouble
making friends.

And I don't even feel
like I'm at a university

because I'm a commuter student.

I couldn't wait to get to college,

and now it feels like a job.

Why couldn't you talk to me about that?

Because you've sacrificed so much.

We obviously can't afford
for me to move into the dorm,

and I don't want to seem
like an ungrateful jerk.

Well, no, I would never think that.

But is it really that bad
being a commuter student?

Yeah. Everybody's making friends

'cause they're hanging out
in their dorms after classes.

And there's all this
cool stuff in the evening

like theater and trivia.

And I can't join the LGBTQ alliance

because they only meet at night.

I don't even have time to be gay.

Okay, how about you wake up earlier,

and then you get an hour
of gay time for yourself.

Thanks for the tip,
but I'll learn to live with it.

No, come on.

I mean, we've got to be able to come up

with something better than that.

Hey, I'm telling you, it's okay.

When it comes to dealing
with being miserable,

I have a house full of role models.

I know we make it look easy,
but don't b*at yourself up

if you're not unhappy right away.

Just trust me.

It'll happen.

["Always Chasing Rainbows" playing]

♪ I'm always chasing ♪

♪ Rainbows ♪

What are you doing here?

I'd ask you the same.

But it's not subtle enough
to need an explanation.

Like it, though.

I thought you'd be home
working on your apology.

Or do you need a preapproved
list of apologies

so you don't offend anybody?

I'm not apologizing.

You guys really kicked my ass,
and I needed it.

It's easy to drop the ball

and let someone else pick it up.

I have never done that.

Not going to start now.

That's what lid day is all about!

Oh, it's a shame

the kids are going to lose
their music program.

Eh, just until I'm elected
to the school board.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm going to run.

Okay. Maybe you are still a badass.

You know, somebody has
to be on that board

to push back
when things don't make sense.

A Conner on the school board.

That's like an arsonist
joining the fire department.

Who would've thunk?

Why are we walking through the dorm?

I know Aunt Becky just
naps in random rooms.

It's charming when a woman does it,

but when a guy does it, you end up

on some kind of list.

Actually...

this room is yours.

What? But how?

We can't afford this.

Oh, jeez, did someone die in here?

Oh, look who suddenly needs
a room that nobody d*ed in.

I don't understand.

You wanted a dorm room,
so congratulations.

You are now officially

the dorm's night janitor.

Is there a door number two
on this very weird game show?

No.

But this is a good thing.

Being a student janitor,
you get a dorm room,

you get a small salary for work study,

no more commuting,

and you're going to have
all kinds of time to be gay.

Look, I know it's not perfect,

but it's the best thing
I could come up with.

Well, you did get me a dorm room.

And I didn't specifically say,
"Don't make me a janitor,"

so that's kind of on me.

And I'm sorry for getting involved,

but I just can't watch you be
unhappy and not do something.

Is one of you the new night janitor?

It's him.

Not to brag, but I hooked him up.

You have keys
to the service elevator, right?

- Probably.
- Great.

I'm Caleb. I'm, like, two rooms down.

We have too many kegs
to carry up to the roof.

We're having a party up there.

- You should stop by.
- Sure.

The shrink was wrong about you.

You aren't a total narcissist
who is more worried

about absolving yourself
of parental guilt

than solving my problems.

Oh, my God.

Kidding. I made that up.

Yeah, but you did it so fast.

How do you like your steak?

It's great. Thanks.

So what else is
Darlene complaining about

in her sessions?

She's totally victimizing over you

not doing enough housework,
even though it sounds like

you have your hands full with work,

- school, and your daughter.
- I do!

She doesn't think
straightening up is housework,

but I think things look neater

when they're stacked in at right angles.

You're sure she's off today, right?

Yeah.

So she's resentful when I take time

- to go to the gym, isn't she?
- Yes.

She says it's okay
for you to have Ben Time,

but she doesn't take Darlene Time.

Oh, I wish she would take Darlene Time

because let me tell you,
that is Ben Time.

[child giggles]