01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

mr. Begley your luncheon appointment

with your wife I hadn't forgotten are

you able to decipher this drivel sweetie

what is it mr. Bevins handwritten we'll

try and type out a translation a fine

there's a good girl oh hey you're taking

in logic yes well you can be my landlady

any time do you mind not if you die well

I do work here longer than I have miss

gostrey would you mind telling me

something

what is it considered frightfully

unprofessional to throw up in mr.

bagless face big your partner never mind

oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear

oh dear what it doesn't see moving much

a success

mr. Bevins marriage he's left fifty

pound to his wife and the bulk of his

estate to his parrot it was a lucky

prolly you're gonna be rich you're gonna

be rich

I am really not interested mrs. hatten

will you please leave me in peace with

my word processing and get back to your

typing all right all right I could do

without the superior sniff big button

look I don't mind your posh computer

giving my tat a little typewriter a

superior sniff but I see no reason why

you should give me one unless of course

you're a duchess with a runny nose I

think not oh don't tell me the miracle

machine won't even make you a sandwich

not even a microchip bossy you're

obviously not in the least interested in

computers mrs. heaven no no I'm not in

fact I'd like to give whoever invented

them a hefty kick in the software spoken

like a true computer illiterate

Mr Bagley

what do you think you're doing

there's Godfrey I think how maybe

computer compatible after all it's been

uphill but I think it's slowly getting

the hang of me oh my god mrs. hatten has

been at my word processor I wasn't aware

she knew how they work she doesn't know

she didn't but she was very keen to

learn and then she has selected the

floppy disk for her debut which had our

quarterly accounts on it oh we've lost

most of all isn't the crucial part of

September I'd like to take this

opportunity to apologize profusely for

any any inconvenience I may have caused

and well I'd like to take this

opportunity of terminating your

part-time employment with us for free Oh

I mean let's not be hasty mr. Bagley yes

let's look I'm sure there's a funny

sight to all this somewhere if we really

look hard consider yourself fired mrs.

Hannen that could have been me talking

mrs. Bagley when I want your advice I'll

ask for it dearest look I need this job

it's the only way I can save for all the

little luxuries that make life bearable

you know like food sob sob sob okay

right now out you are a great square

faced empty-headed pile of silicon and

that goes for your computer as well are

very keen on the truth aren't they mr.

Bagley the truth the whole truth and

nothing but the truth absolutely we

value the truth above all things

is this true Giles here's what true

Vanessa it says here you're a lecherous

toad face groper okay the rest of the

afternoon in the bar in the bar but I

needed a long hot soak to D Bagley fire

m*ssile another notch on the

unemployment statistics I know the

feeling I'm a notch

you're the old-time knotch you're gonna

tell Richard oh well as guarantor of my

bank loan I suppose I'll have to in time

I don't think I tell him why I was fired

there

oh well tomorrow's another day no

kidding Henry and who knows what it may

bring yes but one thing it will bring is

Chris's new roommate Hamish McAlpine

woman it's our buddy gulp what was it

the central heating I only met Hamish

there once

Hamish the airline steward he gave me a

long lingering look and said well who

need i say more

Chris seems to think that Hamish is gay

cool you've got a lightning mind Henry

he came his daddy look when they met

Chris was wearing his disc jockey outfit

let me put it another way hey Mitch was

confronted with a blow-dried B sequin

vision in a black cat suit sparkling

with tiny fairy lights it's hardly

surprising

hamish said well hello and what did he

expect him to say do you fancy a pint

and a spot of armwrestling

I didn't understand a word of this you

know the more I read the more I realize

how little I actually know about

medicine

this is terrific news for your patients

you know he doesn't actually have any

patients one of the great things about

the NHS is they don't let medical

students loose on members of the public

till they've sort of got the hang of it

you will get the hang of it won't you

Henry I suppose then in time

I probably on the geriatric wards by

then as a patient first time I was off

hmm

why don't you have something to eat

Thank You missus heaven but I'm really

not hungry

well you really shouldn't go to work on

a cup of coffee if I ate anything now

I'd only regret it at 11:00 what happens

i'm disemboweling a rat you wouldn't

believe the things we have to go through

to become doctors never mind Henry I'm

sure there's others worse off than

yourself like who I'd like to know the

rat first start for cheerio then

fine have a nice day are you serious are

you all right well nine misses happen a

part of my career being in ruins and the

imminent arrival of the Flying Scotsman

Monica snip down and straightening out

will you

I think you should go why me well I can

only see his bad points you've got the

advantage of being blinded by lust go on

I can't why not because I think I'm

beginning to fancy Henry I'm taking him

to a film tonight he's very clever you

know can't be that clever if he's going

out with you

oh do I detect a hint of jealousy no I'm

intrigued by his brain well he's

probably the first man you've ever

fancied who's had one morning Sheila

morning Richard all right what can I do

for you if I answer that question

honestly you probably slapped my face

let's do a chappy of yours I need to

know how easy it would be to smuggle a

portable nuclear device plus a dead body

through the customs at Heathrow been

Gatwick I could have told you how would

a mich know presumably he's clued up on

airport security I also need to know

what qualifications one needs to be a

baggage handler at Jakarta why were you

thinking of applying writing a

blockbuster is no laughing matter Sheila

till of course one sells the film right

was your idea I turned to fiction I'm

sorry Richard I will ask Camus just as

soon as he touches down still wasn't a

wasted journey I can tell you the plot

of my Blockbuster instead plot it's

immensely ingenious but rather

complicated can't wait

Lomax

mom sent down to cheer you up

good idea papi look how would you feel

if I told you that Hamish wasn't gay I

feel he needed a brain scan looking the

way I do does have its disadvantages

Monica

it makes me irresistible to both sexes

oh this is news to me you wanted the

most resistible people I've ever met

yeah well luckily for my libido you're

heavily outnumbered by discerning women

like Carol which reminds me I've got a

treat in store for her tonight yeah well

you have to join the queue

hey she's taking Henry to see a film but

I've got tickets for dire straits

tonight I bought them weeks ago it's

gonna be a surprise still all is not

lost I'll take you instead Hey think of

it dire straits and me can you believe

your look I'm sorry but I've got other

plans

oh yeah what plans think of something

look um I'll tell you I'll do I'll try

and sell your spare dies straight stick

it to someone at college this afternoon

oh good idea

it's uh it's a numbered seat bang next

to mine so make sure you sell it to

somebody else fancy I better send it

straight back to you then

and certain having saved the world for

civilization grip Lomax does what he

would have done much earlier if he

hadn't been quite so busy namely slip

between the sheets with the lovely

Antonia that's about it are you sure

you're gonna be able to pack all that

into 600 pages one can but try

I think you'll agree it's a fairly

exciting plot spool I'm toying with the

idea of rendezvous with fear how's that

sound to you it sounds like my last

interview with a bank manager seriously

I like it Richard I do I think this book

is a winner

and I like your hero grip Lomax it's an

unusual name

Lomax Cyril this man is a one-off Sheila

rip Lomax is going to make James Bond

look like Russell hearty Richard yes

there's just one thing bothers me in all

of this and what's that it's the thought

of you typing it all out by yourself oh

I know I've seen you type you use a

maximum of two fingers you could be

typing this book for the rest of your

life I am writing it out in longhand I

plan to have each chapter typed out by a

press oh if only I could help you in

some way

ah but you're far too busy with your job

no but for the sake of English

literature I would sacrifice my jaw I

would not let me put it another way I've

been fired

good god what ever thought well uh well

Scrimgeour one badly have started

drinking very heavily but they've lost

half their clients and so you know they

had to lay me off you do surprise me

I always thought scrimshaw and badly

were pretty solid no not anymore

strictly liquid Sheila is this the whole

truth and nothing but the truth so help

me God not a word of it

what does it matter you know we were

just non computable compatible but I

will do a good job for you Richard

my trusty portable awaits you ever

regret this sir I promise shall I um pop

home and fetch chapter one oh yes please

and Richard I thank you from the bottom

of my bank balance oh is probably

erecting a barbed wire room divider even

as we speak where do people always

assume that airline stewards are gay no

you must have confused Chris with people

he's having to cope with being the most

desirable man on earth

oh it's help for the poor boy God you

should hear the stream of sexist chat

yet Monica thinks that you'd have his

own sexist chat show that's more sexist

chat Hamish I don't follow

well Chris is assuming that you're gay

right mmm wouldn't it be a shame to

disappoint him

well this is all very cozy cozy bed

suits can be such lonely places

can--they but I'm sure I won't be lonely

not with you here I'm a bit of a loner

hey Misha I like my own company and I'm

sure I will too

so you're an airline steward eh

aye and you oh I'm rapidly working my

way up to the top in show business be

the envy of every student Heathrow fancy

little old me sharing with someone in

show business hold on hold on I don't

have to get too excited about this

Hamish and I'm sure you will get to the

top Chris because you have a fantastic

aura aura but should you ever decide to

change your career well I'm sure all the

other stewards and I could squeeze up

and make room for your teeth row

I mean take yesterday I was involved in

some very heavy turbulence over the

Indian Ocean Leslie and I were rattling

around the galley like there was no

tomorrow so now I've got something

fairly important to say now Hamish

so listen carefully I'm I'm heavily into

women and it's no secret that women are

heavily into me so so uh so the last

thing I need is you siding over in the

small hours and whispering I'm Hamish

blimey

what I don't understand is well you're

Hamish McAlpine right I thought that

McHale Pines were as butch as they come

and only really interested in macho

things like building motorways the plan

at the sound of sweaty Bunch

just don't try and I think that's all as

far as you're concerned this is a total

exclusion zone

oh yeah this is all very impressive

Sheila but Tim when were you planning to

start I'm not just any old typist

Richard I'm an artiste of the keyboard

I'm quite sure Liberace doesn't have

navel gentlemen breathing down his neck

when he's warming up oh right he goes

Drip Justin

first

well yes and meaning well you've managed

to destroy the tone of the piece already

by seriously misspelling my hero's name

great I'm not anymore apparently become

drip Justin I'm Richard I I think it

might be better if you just sort of left

me to it you know we artistes can't

really operate to our optimum when we're

being surveyed understood Liberace hello

Henry

Henry

how was the rep ah not too pleased every

19 he's passed carry now he's gone to a

better place

may you rest in pieces oh please no more

Henry this is Hamish pleased to meet you

likewise Oh Carol any thoughts on what

film you'd like to see tonight

oh yes Brandon Brandon Peters aren't you

keen well doesn't that involve Sylvester

Stallone wiping out most of Southeast

Asia I'm sure he does it in the best

possible taste Oh Henry's been up to his

ears in innards all day laughy wants to

unwind is more of the same evening Chris

there you go I sold you dire straits

ticket and it wasn't easy you should pay

me Commission who did you sell it to

somebody taste your whole flat-chested

I'm afraid Chris nice-looking please

Monica you're making me blush

hey well we'd better get a move on if

we're going to catch the supporting band

nobody had any money

hamish did so that was lucky wasn't it

forget any lucky I might k*ll myself are

you coming or not

tell me something Chris what's that are

you always this nervous on the first

date

fine Antonia crept onto the balcony and

her torn negligee and peered into the

night group she whispered come to me

suddenly she felt a tiny wrinkle in the

nape of her neck she swung round to see

Otto fingering the tip of his stiletto

his blubbery lips parted over his yellow

stained teeth in a cruel smirk dragged

her back to the unspeakable horrors of

his bed and Bagley now this is the life

Monica just me and my trusty portable

and not a floppy disk in sight no

nothing floppy about grit some has got

his hat on doorbell is ringing

you haven't got round chapter two

already no I've been far too busy I've

had a brilliant notion Sheila you see it

occurred to me that the logistics of

rendezvous with fear are going to

require more organization than a royal

wedding and it was the thought of you

typing out countless rewrites that

prompted my blinding flash of

inspiration what you need is a word

processor and here it is I knew you'd be

pleased you ever come across these

things quite apart from simplifying your

typing we can also program this machine

to keep tabs on what all of my

characters are up to which is just as

well because I've lost track of half of

them already

well Sheila I know what you're thinking

you're thinking this is the best idea

I've ever had

the salesman assures me they're an

absolute bottle to operate so have no

fears on that score it is just a

question of following the instructions

so who's a clever boy there is just how

can I say thank you somehow seem so

inadequate

my brain is superior to yours

all right you may be able to memorize a

lot of useless information but there are

many things that I can do that you can't

for example I can do this and I can do

this and I can also do this