01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

a dozen eggs two dozen eggs a bag of

rice a sack of rice cereal bread

anti-aircraft g*n

sorry that's he's taken oh by the

Invisible Man

he'll do his bit quiet isn't he which is

surprising in a way since you've just

tossed a hardback right between his legs

don't be frightened Henry I'll look

after you oh crap my thigh oh the number

of men you must have said that I can

manage thank you is there any danger of

you helping me out with the washing out

oh I'm watching the telly mom not for

long I hope or I may have to put you up

for adoption

I just hope ever adopts me gives me a

bit of peace when I'm watching the telly

Oh oh thanks Chris tomorrow's Friday you

know what that means

of course means today's Thursday how

would you like the face the soft as your

hands so twice right mr. Bhatt so it's

very nearly the weekend

you promised me by the weekend you'd

have a career I know mrs. happen but I

haven't made I managed to lay my hands

on one yet I understand that Chris but a

certain commander Richard Beamish may

not and as guarantor of my Benjamin he's

gonna be frothing at the Mainbrace and

very probably ready to tar and feather

you and look a bit daft at the job

centre it's all right Monica I'll get it

hello hello Richard

I see you've put your ad in at the news

agents a freelance typing oh yes

remember to win actually one for

freelance typing and one for Japanese

massage well-known for the Japanese

massage but literally heat for the

typing literally how many literally none

and wipe that smug look off your face

what was it I said if you got one single

reply I'd eat my hat yes fine I'm gonna

buy you a pizza

how's your writer's block still solid

but you know I told you I'm quite

willing to keep on paying you till I

give you my next chapter no Richard

sorry I'm not a parasite not exactly

well that's not very fair it comes from

Huddersfield right I'll be round for

breakfast in the morning and when I get

hold of it where's the pose you could do

that Richard but it would give you never

such a high pitched voice I don't like

people threatening me behind my back

threatened you to your face

would you mind having a word with your

pilots to keep the noise down

tell them there are people trying to

lift out look in the bright side mrs.

hatten those planes are full of tourists

bringing much-needed foreign currency to

these shores stay at home and send a

check well if it's any consolation

London gets its own back when they try

the food last night we did this is it

you know it's a great shame that paper

saucepans were never invented that way

we could just throw everything away but

darling that would involve you in a

strenuous trick to the waste bit not

afraid of exercise look I think we can

actually do without plates all together

I mean I could just pour the supper

straight onto the table you lot could

all lick it off with your time then all

we'd have to do at the end of the meal

is close each other down I think she

reckons that's a pretty good idea spot

of grease takes one to know one

I hate to add to your colossal workload

Monica but I'm gonna be out moser

tomorrow job hunting so you'd have to

make dinner for everyone I'm too young

to die versus happy okay you're not

she's not that bad really

how bang is a mass of quite edible fish

I can't wait I mean it's no secret uh

but after your banger since the day I

moved in maybe throw another moldy

cheese for the rat

this may be the moment Hey Oh coop

tomorrow I'll give you a taste of what

lies in store for the discerning palates

of those who will one day crowd the

tables at my Scottish restaurants back

in a trice

he seems keen this is a good idea mrs.

happen letting that mad Scotsman loosen

our stomachs what exactly is a trust

ah a trice well it's like a tick only

three times as long or half a tick six

times as long I mean one of my men you

very much a rough draft but in a lot too

distant future people will feast their

eyes on the final vessel Highland

hotchpotch Sookie all stew that sounds

yummy

man a haggis well that's very festive

and crap it hides there I asked what

crap it hides are something at rotten

clap it hides involve oatmeal haddock

heads and Havok livers sounds even worse

than my first guess moose McAlpine and

so the last one sounds right up your

street

well what do you think hey doesn't seem

to be a big rush to book a table does

that I think it sounds delicious

but I run my evening meals on a very

tight budget Hamish

what about Highland hotchpotch that

sounds relatively cheap or does it

involve shipping a side of venison down

from a distant glen enough I invented

Highland hotspots as a suitable dish for

relatively impoverished diners

you just described us what do we need

now let's see nick of mutton onions

carrots turnips I hate doing it so do I

turn ups cauliflower oatmeal I hate

oatmeal I love oatmeal

so do I owed meal there anything else

we'll need yeah alka-seltzer

I love alka-seltzer

oh no this should cover the ingredients

via Highland hotspot so which we're all

looking forward I hope it's enough in

fact I insist it's enough we'll be a

tight squeeze mrs. happy but us master

chefs are very resourceful

is Chris up yet shaving as I left he may

have finished by now in which case

you'll probably be a busy embracing the

mirror it didn't happen to mention that

I got a career plan did it

no why this is why

come out of the basement

yes and yes it is a lovely morning isn't

it Richard ah sorry good morning Sheila

Bridge to engine run all hands on deck

always peckish at the prospect of combat

so what's for breakfast absolutely

anything you like as long as it's

toasted marmalade oh you really

shouldn't spoil these that well not too

bad thanks house yourself

I should tread warily Chris this man is

a coiled spring now look he hasn't

actually got his career plan together

yet have you love yes so it's no you

sh*t pardon yes

well I'm glad that's all sorted out can

you pass the milk anything interesting

in the papers yes

jump in it just a minute a few details

chummy if you please details well it

keeps me as that was shaving I was just

looking in the mirror oh you proceed any

further I'm only interested in the

career plan that's contained within the

boundaries of reality I say this because

it is common knowledge that your

overriding priorities are pestering

women and blow-drying your alright

alright I just wanted him to know in

advance there are no vacancies for

gigolos in Chizik you're on Chris you're

looking in the mirror a man who should I

see but this really tasty looking guy

Hamish with a first class honours degree

in charisma Hamish and a glittering

career ahead of him as a world-class

model you're gonna be a male model well

it's not really cut out to be a female

one I know what you're thinking

in that case perhaps you'd be good

enough to pass me a blunt instrument

you're thinking will this pay the rent

no no that's what I'm thinking you know

I hate to say this mom but I think he

could be a model well thank you I mean

uh isn't he

yes well time I started making the

rounds I can't understand why no one

ever thought of this before Richard will

you be joining us for us I'm cooking and

I promise nothing less than a magical

experience wouldn't miss it for the

world

brought your hat with you yes why mmm

dear sir or madam I have narrated my

latest novel frozen dreams on to the

enclosed cassettes I would be grateful

for a tight transcription two copies

please i enclose a check for a hundred

pounds as a down payment on your fee

yours faithfully Millicent babe all

right so I was wrong I trust you'll be

magnanimous in victory should I'm not

one to gloat

yes what time I was off to the zoo I

want to study a tiger at close-quarter

is this research for your blockbuster

yes hopefully gripped Lomax will be

grappling with the tiger Chapter six

why well presumably so they've got an

excuse to grapple with a new v*olence in

Chapter seven never thought of that

I like it well done I'll see if they

haven't got room for a male model in the

monkey house I've been framed so the

shadowy figure in the doorway call for

the whole portal of I am zealand pop him

with your bed socks do sodden pillow she

cried adding it to the floor

Millison Bates is a bit of a goer isn't

she miss Pierre by any chance a bronze

ski instructor

there's non bronzer and am i right in

thinking that our eyes first met over a

glass of gluhwein and a Jacuzzi bang on

and a my father right in thinking that

Angelica is on the run from a finishing

school in San Moritz but you have no

choice after the gardener groped her in

the idol base are you psychic a mister

are you in fact Millicent Bates hardly

well how do you know all this

international airports are littered with

this romantic trash mrs. hatten and I'm

ashamed to say I've read literally

dozens of them I mean you've got to do

something between pointing out the three

exits and serving up the plastic dinners

are you saying that frozen dreams is a

published book i but it's not a patch on

desire among the dunes yes but why would

an innocent base want me to type out a

published book good question isn't it

just I think I may know the answer hey

Misha this is our little secret where

you going I'm gonna pay one sweet

old-fashioned raver a little visit

is that frozen dreams your first book

mini

yes and and you just dictated it from a

handwritten draft did you yes would it

be possible for me to have a tiny peek

at the handwritten draft oh I didn't

intentionally but a handwritten draft

yeah I just sort of thought it all up on

the stopped and spoke it into the

recorder like he told me to Millie are

you absolutely sure that frozen dreams

is all your own work I mean really

really sure oh because I was just

wondering if perhaps there was the

tiniest little possibility that you

might have been put up to it by a

certain ex-naval gentleman with a shiny

head I am a pincher

he was very generous I don't blame you

Millie I must admit I rather enjoyed

reading it it's that beaten deer Bend

and Chevy where they had to throw up the

water did was a bit far-fetched

experience

is it absolutely compulsory to have the

Highland hodgepodge mrs. Edna do you

think Hamish would mind awfully if I

just had numbers instead I think he'd

make an omelet up you know but what if

we don't like it I'm sure you'll come to

our rescue Henry how do you mean you're

a medical man presumably you have access

to a stomach pump it's all right Monica

I'll get it well if it isn't Bonnie

Prince Charlie the young pretender

you've never seen me like this before

have you nope but then you're full of

surprises aren't you Richard well what

do you think things considered I think

you deserve a hearty slap on the sporran

oh my mother is a McKillip Amos I wear

the talking with pride how is your tiger

well you know sort of them stripy one

word about my legs chummy could well be

your last do you have a cat mrs. hatten

not that I know of must be the turnips

how'd you get on today oh I'm on my way

mrs. hatten I am on my way splendid I'll

give you a lift to the station I mean

I'm on my way to the top you've been

taken on by model agency the very

dynamic one of their clients did a

damned rough commercial last week oh

that's some sort of pinnacle is it

lassies and laddies please take a seat

dinner is served this table hasn't look

like this season well let's face it this

tables never look like this window damn

I clean forgot to bring a bottle no

problem I've already got about 15 cups

to say of Anglia typing out that

original one-off manuscript I've got a

real first do you find it a promising

novel well it doesn't pretend to be Jane

Austen yes I agree

Hamish played me a bit in fact all it

really pretends to be its Millicent beef

dim the lights a wee bit the ambience I

strive for is best achieved at carat our

means in the dark but this looks as bad

as it smells great I mean we are talking

seriously scrumptious absolutely

first-rate but until then you prefer an

omelette you prefer an omelette I admit

I had reservations but I was wrong very

wrong

it's really quite excellent yeah well

it's the x-factor that elevates it to an

art form the x-factor culinary jargon

for Knox Nokia food wise and indeed

every wise I think you're just

prejudiced against Scottish cooking not

true my favorite dish happens to be

Scots and what's that a Big Mac I should

just ignore him Hamish or better still

disembowel him could be the moment for

another photo I owe posterity a record

of his epicurean time my hair do what I

do what

please act naturally I'll select my

moments you heard what the man said

Richard act naturally to do something

devious Hey mmm my modeling agency

insists I get some photos together

fairly sharpish so well in an ideal

world that offer David Bailey the job

but I can't help feeling your estimate

might be more competitive

you were a good photographer my

photography is every bit as good as my

cooking so I'm afraid there's no chance

of any photographs all you've done fool

justice to my Highland hotspot hmm magic

real taste of heaven situation gives me

great pleasure to give you a second

helping

color film because I think they'll agree

that Chris's skin has a very interesting

green colic he could do a present be

commercial something the matter Sheila

tricky dicky

now what is that supposed to me I went

to see Millicent Bates today need i say

more

I see grassed on by a granny shall we

step outside I'd hate to see your blood

on my liner now dare you try to push

money in my direction like that now what

is wrong with a bit of harmless

generosity harmless generosity are you

any idea how it made me feel I know

storm signals when I see them I'm just

beginning to understand why they named

arrogance after women Richard I know

you're very comfortably off and I'm only

too aware that I'm perched on the edge

of a financial razor blade which makes

me very uncomfortably off but I do not

want handouts but my motives were

impeccable Sheila you must believe that

I love you love you for God's sake

can't bear to see you learn from one

financial crisis to the next I'm a nerd

I looked with my head held high well

then you'll get a stiff neck so we dance

yes

and I forgive them do you admit that you

were a patronizing and presumptuous

prune patronizing possibly presumptuous

perhaps a prune never I mean do I look

all shriveled and wrinkled have you seen

your knees lately he's a nice man Ben I

mean deep deep deep deep down inside

he's he's really very nice I wish I knew

what you think of him