05x61 - Community Theater

[bunniefuu]

Ahem, "If I never hold you again

we will both be
losing something.

Something tender,
and real."

Yeah, those are uh
some great lines!

Well, y'know, I won't be reading
them to myself when I audition.

I'll be reading them
to probably some very uh...

Is this a
one-man show?

No, I'm reading
for the part of Oscar,

who is madly in love with Marie.

Maybe it was part of the way
you were saying that line,

it was a little
drone-y.

Oh, you think I need
to be more dynamic.

I uh...

"If I never hold you again"...

No, dad, don't do
a bad British accent.

That doesn't make it dynamic.

Okay... "If I never
hold you again,

we will both
be losing something."

Wait, you know what, stop!

'Cause I'll sit down
and you play it to me.

Okay, you want to
feed me my line?

Sure.

Okay, so I've just walked in,
I'm in your place of business.

I don't need to
know the subtext.

You're Marie, you're recently
widowed, with 2 teenage sons.

But you don't
look bad... really?!

So, I've just walked in.

I came in because
you're altering my pants.

Dad, focus!

Alright, now you're
in love with me, right?

You'd better believe it!

So, look me in the eye and then say
your line and deliver it real.

Not so stage-y.

"If I never hold you again,
we will both be..."

I can't do it!

I can't do it,
I can't look you in the eye.

Is it the way I'm looking?

Do you have to look back at me?

Well, I'm trying to
give you a loving look.

You want to show me
how to do it, Ben?

You think it's easy to act?

If you want to do it better,
I'll do it right now.

Hit me with your best sh*t,
I'll give you the line.

Marie says to you...

"Oh, Oscar..."

Alright, watch what
I do here, okay.

"Oh, Oscar..."

"Oh, Oscar."

You know what?
Let's do it again.

"Oscar!"

Dad, watch what I'm doing!

It's very easy, isn't it?

Just watch what
I'm doing, alright?

I'm building a moment here.

Work with the actor.

Okay.

"Oh, Oscar."

Hhmmmmhh.

"If I never hold you again,

We'll be losing somethin'...

Somethin'
tender and real."

Yeeeaaahhhh!
C'mon!

You know, if you could
read the part of Marie...

Really?

Yeah, I would appreciate that

because I've only read it with
Ben and it's weird, you know.

Uhm, yeah.

It will mean a lot to me
if you could do it.

You mean I would
have to say that

"The feel of your arms around me
makes me want to cry?"

That's right, but you can
interpret that any way you want.

I guess it would.

Yeah.

What do you mean, Tom, that
"You were raised on fat Elvis"?

By the time I became aware of
Elvis, it was like 69, 70, 71.

He was already fat Elvis.

He was just some big guy
in a leisure suit

sweating via satellite from
Hawaii or Las Vegas somewhere.

I remember my brother and I
being mystified by Elvis.

He's up there jiggling around
on the stage

and women in the audience
are just going crazy...

They're throwing underwear
and brassieres at him

and my older brother... a little more
sophisticated... was just mad at this!

Look at this guy!

Why are they throwing
their bras at him?

I was like, "Duh,
he obviously needs them!"

I think it would be nice to
have fans that are so dedicated

that when your boobies
start flopping around

they throw you something
to bind them with.

Elvis, your boobies...
Here, take my brassiere, take it!

So you grew up with a very distorted
sense of who this man was.

I didn't know he was a cool guy.

The same way that
I grew up thinking that

the Beatles were a rank
imitation of "The Monkees".

Helloooo, Beatles,
get your own ideas!

Quit stealing from
The Monkees, helloooo?!

I don't know, I'm a
little uncomfortable

that you might be doing
community theatre.

Why is that?

It's kind of desperate.

I mean, you're not umm...

What they call in the
theatre business, "talented".

And you're not a skilled actor,
that's why I don't like...

I mean acting is a craft.

So professionals
should be doing it.

That's why people go see them!

Ben, community theatre is a
place for people like myself,

who have talent.

Why is that funny?

If I was performing in
a professional company...

You'd get fired!

You did some theatre
in high school,

so you know how
exciting that is.

I did it because you...
Pushed me in that direction.

I didn't push you, I think.

That's not a good direction
for a father to push his son,

musical theatre!

Why didn't you just say,
"Hey, play baseball, son!"

Any kid can hit a home run.

I didn't have a lot of fun
doing those things, though.

Yeah.

I don't think I was
meant for the stage.

We did "Grease", remember that?

Yes. That was exciting.

Yeah.

I think it was confusing
because you were going through

all these adolescent
experiences, you know.

Your body was like
a playground for hormones.

Yes, you can say it,
I had an erection on stage.

That's embarrassing.

It was embarrassing,
but you got over it.

For me, it was also
a very proud moment.

Aw, dad.

In college, my whole life

revolved around
the theatre, you know.

Really?

I was very shy in college

until I joined
this theater group.

We did theatre games...

What are those?

Just like, where you
pretend you're a flower,

and you have to blossom...

I learned more about
the stamen in this class...

But I did get cast in "The
Fantastiks" and that was a real...

What is that?

"Fantastiks" is a musical.

Oh, right!

I can't picture you doing
musical theatre, though.

The one thing about
musical theatre is

the whole trick is just,
to look surprised, constantly.

Because it's always awkward
to burst into song

in the middle of a play.

Just raise your eyebrows and
then it doesn't look so weird...

♫ Ben, please pass the peas ♫

Hi, Laura!

Hi!

Can I go in now?

Why don't you have a seat, Ron.

Doo-dala-di-doo...
Hey, let's do a wave!

Nnn-no.

Yeah, alright.

Guess how much change
I have in my pocket?

A nickel, you're right,
how did you know?

I'm sorry, I'm a... little late,
because I couldn't get a cab.

Uh... I'm psyched to be here,
I'm ready to open up...

And umm...

I don't want to
play this game, Ron.

I don't wanna do this.

I think we're getting
very far with our therapy.

Hmmm, that's odd.

So, Ron, when you're
done playing this game

and you would like to
talk about yourself...

And your life...
I will be here.

My life is uh... you know what?
It's not totally together.

But it's enough together where
I'm feeling good about it.

Ron, you can lie to yourself,
but you can't lie to me.

You're just a guy
living in denial.

I am not in denial!

I am not!

I'm not in d...

I'm not in d...!

I'm...

Alright, I'm in denial.

Told you!

Dr. Katz, I just
wanted to ask you uhh...

I don't understand why I'm here.

That's easy...
Let me just check my notes.

Ron, you're here to help you
feel more comfortable

talking about issues...
Problems in your life.

Which is very expensive
for me not to say anything.

That's why I was trying to figure
out what I was doing here.

No, I think it's important that
you understand how it works.

Once you lose track of that,

it just seems like
a bad conversation.

But this is not a bad
conversation, right?

No, no, I'm not
talking about you and me.

I'm saying oft-times,
in therapy

it feels like a conversation
that's not going well.

And it's not supposed
to be a conversation.

- It's not?
- No!

Oh... well that's good, 'cause
I'm not good at conversation.

How are you?

I'm okay, thanks.

'Member you were telling me

that I need some way
of organizing my life?

Right.

I've got a little uh...
I don't know what they call it.

It's for your memory,
you can record things on it!

Right.

So, let me play
some of the things

I've been recording
for myself on it.

I have to come up with a device

to help me out with my uh,
my memory problems

and help me remember
little things.

Well, that's the idea, yeah.

Is it useful to you?

Umm, yeah.

Let me play you another one
of the messages.

Embrace the day!

Oops! That's not the...

Enjoy life!

I can't shut it off.

I'm sorry.

Don't forget to
put this device away

when you're done
listening to the messages.

You see, Ron, that machine's not
working for you at this point.

The other pocket!

Oops!

I'm so surprised about the way

this whole thing's
taking over my life.

I'm terrified of this audition.

You're nervous?

I haven't done theatre
in 30 years, Stanley,

and I wasn't that good, then.

Well, let me tell ya, I have
quite the background in theatre.

I worked with
a lot of the greats.

You just take a nice deep
cleansing breath...

No, no, no.
Cleansing breath.

There you go!

Try to feel your hands...
Relax your hands.

Try to feel your feet...
Relax your feet.

Try to feel uhh... anything
else... try relax that.

Hey, is that my foot?

That's mine!

Let it ooze out,
let it all ooze out.

Stanley, the problem is...

That's the way we used to do it.

Here's the thing that's
getting me nervous...

I'm reading for a role of
Oscar in "Love's Retreat".

I feel fraudulent, you know...

Really?

As a romantic lead in the play.

Jon, you'll be great!

That's very sweet of you, Julie,

but I wish I could believe that.

I can help you
with that, y'know.

I've got a whole lot
of experience.

I was with the "Theatre by the
Trees", for several seasons.

And with "Theatre by the Rocks"
as well.

There was a period of 20 years

where you couldn't pay me
to go to the theatre.

I think this is the time
you're talking about.

Yeah, well, most people
like a performance where

you'd scream as much as you could
and take your clothes off.

Yeah, I tried to
show up at the end.

Yeah.

- Hey, Ben!
- Hi, dad!

What's up? 'Cause I got
one person in the waiting room

so you only got a second here.

What's going on?

You've read Stanislavski, right?

I picked up his book
today at the library.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, there's uh...
Great exercise in here...

You know, I'd love to talk about
this later, can we do that?

Well, I think we should
talk about it now...

Hurry up, because
I really gotta go.

Well, your audition
is coming up very soon

and I want to get you prepared.

What do I need to do?

I want you to first,
believe in yourself.

I believe in myself.

One: Walk around
with confidence.

Know that you're
gonna get this part.

It wouldn't hurt you to say,
"I am Oscar, I am Oscar".

Okay, I am Oscar, I am Oscar.

But sell it more!

I am Oscar!

Now, I have an imaging exercise
that I would like you to do

that I got out of the book.

Okay, I'm not sure I'm
gonna have the time to do...

Shut your eyes, shut your eyes!

Are they shut?

Uh-huh.

Now, conjure up a memory of...
A painful experience.

Okay.

You got it?

Yup.

Alright, how do you feel?

Owww!

What's happening?

We're having breakfast.

This morning?

Yup.

How was that painful?

Well, 'cause you kept
interrupting me.

No, dad, more painful than that.

Okay, it's a spinal tap.

- Have you ever had one?
- No.

Well, you can't make up a painful
experience... a real one.

Okay, big thing fell on my head.

No, no, not
painful physically...

I mean emotionally.

Ooh. Your mother.

Ummm...

Your mother left me...

And you.

Thanks a lot for
ruining my morning, dad.

You made me say it!

I was looking for
something painful.

The point is I read
more in the book

you're not supposed to
tell me what it is.

It doesn't have to be...
To be painful for you too.

You don't have to blurt it out
and hurt someone else.

Okay.

Okay, I'm conjuring up
a painful memory...

You know what, skip
the painful this time.

We're gonna do a different one.

Same exercise, but
now pleasant memory.

Hold on one second, Ben.

Laura, tell him to wait,

I'm running about


Okay, I got it.

How do you feel?

Pleasant.

What are we dealing with?

I thought I'm not
supposed to tell you!

Well, you can go ahead and
tell me the pleasant one.

I'm picturing you and me and
your mother at the beginning

when things were so good.

Dad, every memory is
me, you, and mom?

Not every memory.

Wooops, it's the day
Kennedy got sh*t.

Okay, good.

I think I see your
mother in the background.

Odd!

I spent some time
in Los Angeles,

a place that I just
can't get a bead on.

It is a large metropolitan city

that can be crippled
by 2 drops of rain!

Mm-hmm.

You'd be driving along 2 drops
of rain on your windshield.

Bleep bleep,
turn on the wiper...

Creek...
It's gone!

Go home, turn on
your television...

Rain pounds the southland!

Is there any end in sight?!

Meanwhile, I call up my 72-year-old
father in Syracuse, New York.

He's just finished
shoveling the roof!

And he doesn't see anything
weird about that

because that's just
something you deal with

in a place that has a climate!

How's it going, dad?

Uuhhh, pretty good,
I just shoveled our roof.

We had some snow up there so...

Mary corona, next door,
was feeling poorly.

As long as I had the ladder out
I shoveled her roof too.

How're things going out
there in California?

Jesus, dad, haven't you heard?

Rain is pounding the southland!

We're on a DEFCON-4
drizzle alert, dad!

We're all on needles and pins!

And god forbid there should be
a real disaster!

Like a real earthquake, 'cause even
the tiniest, most infinitesimal,

inconsequential of earthquakes
are of huge importance.

They will stay on the air
for like 9 hours straight

telling you about some
dinky little quake

out in the desert somewhere...

Here's more on the 1.9
level quake out in Smallville.

You see the tape
from A&P and Mini-market

you can see that can of
Juicy Juice on the bottom shelf

just go over
and hit the floor and roll.

We have Carey Bergland there
at that A&P and Mini-market.

He was there and he saw that can
of Juicy Juice

hit the linoleum, Carey?

Actually, the Juicy Juice is in
aisle "6", I was in aisle "5",

I did not see
the Juicy Juice fall

but god knows I heard it

and it is a sound I hope
never to hear again... Tim?

They have nothing to say!

And then your news... The news you're
watching to be informed about the world

becomes the
"What if..." news!

Today's earthquake out
in the desert was a 1.9

just a small temblor according
to seismologists at UCLA.

But what if
it had been a 9.1?

Would you survive?

Would your family survive?

Our 25-part series
"Surviving the big one"

starts this week
on Channel 7 news.

We urge you and your family
to watch!

What if the big quake hit?

What if you were
working in a store

that sold nothing but sharp
jagged knives made of glass!

Would you survive?

Would your family survive?

The thing that
surprises me, Stanley,

is how much this role
has taken over my life.

I have a little
expertise in direction.

Perhaps you and Julie
could... maybe...

Just improvise that scene?

Well, I wouldn't
ask her to do that.

Would that help you, Jon?

I don't mind doing it.

It would be an enormous help

but I wouldn't be comfortable
asking you to do that.

C'mon, she says she wants to.

Yeah, that's okay.

Okay, page 11.

In the scene before that,
I've confessed to my cousin,

but really to myself
that I'm attracted to you.

Ahhh!

Let me sit over here,
I want to get a good seat here.

Why don't you stand
closer together?

Get a little closer together.

- Okay.
- Okay.

And... Katz, first line
is yours, and...

Action.

You look so...
So radiant, Marie!

How are you?

I'm okay, y'know, I didn't
sleep very well last night.

How about you?

I'm fine, but we
need to talk, Marie.

We really need to talk!

About...?

I just thought that
ever since Harry d*ed,

I feel like you've...

Uh ever since Harry d*ed,
I feel like

you've been keeping
me at a distance,

almost pushing me away.

I don't know what you're talking
about, Oscar, that's just crazy.

Why do you think I have my pants
altered on such a regular basis?

Ha ha ha, sorry.

Okay, I'll feed you
that line again.

Okay!

Why do you think I have my pants
altered on such a regular basis?

I don't know, why?

Because it's an
excuse to see you,

to spend time with you,
to be near you.

Well, is that true?

Yes, it is.

Because there've been times
when I felt like I...

Can't go another day
without seeing you.

It's just our lives are so...

Look at me, look in my eyes and
tell me that you don't love me.

Marie approaches Oscar slowly.

Jonathan, do you know how long
I've dreamed of this moment?

Do you have any idea?

They kiss passionately.

This is good, this is good!

You guys have a
chemistry or something!

I felt... I was moved!

Especially the part when you
called Oscar, Jonathan!

No, I did not!

That was an innocent mistake.

What does Freud call those?

Uh yeah, something "slips".

That was not a freudian slip.

A freudian slip is when
you say, not what you intended

but what you actually mean.

Yeah! Yeah,
that's right!

Uh-huh.

Let's try that scene again.

Just the part... just
take it back to where...

Umm, where you kiss me.

Ha ha ha!

And, Stan, you don't
have to stick around.

I have to tell you, Ben,
I am like...

My heart's gonna explode!

Dad, relax.

That's why I brought these.

What is that?

No, no, I'm kidding.
Don't take those!

Dad, dad!
Calm down!

I just... I'm worried
what's gonna happen.

I'm afraid I'm gonna blurt
something out that I don't mean.

Well... just you know...

Or something I mean
that shouldn't be saying.

I'm afraid I'm
gonna kiss the guy!

Dad, stop talking!

Alright, maybe that's
a good approach.

Just shut up for a second.

Try to focus.

Oh, my god, dad!

Dad, don't tell any jokes
when you get in there.

Really? 'Cause my inclination
is to open with a joke.

No, don't do that,
just follow the rules,

listen to the guy,

and do the audition the way
you've been rehearsing it.

Okay.

But better!

Oh, hello, hello, good evening!

Oh you must be
Mr. Hammer, I'm Dr. Katz.

We spoke briefly,
this is my son, Ben.

Please, come in.

Thank you very much for
sticking around so late.

I have your membership application
and I have your check.

Mr. Hammer, I can sit
right here, right?

Oh yes, yes.

It's okay if I...

Right there is fine.

He kinda needs me.

Susshh!
Sshh!

So you direct?

Yes.

That's good...

Quiet! Quiet!

Hey, Ben!

Yeah, dad, right here!

You can't see me
because of the lights.

I can't see you
but I can hear you.

So just...

You're doing fine
so far, though.

May we have quiet
in the house, please?

I'm sorry.

Thank you very much.

You're the director!

Why don't we pick it up
on the bottom of page 18.

Let's pick it up on
the bottom of page 18, dad!

Uhmmmm...
I will read Marie...

Remember how we
did it at home, dad!

Sssshh!

Bring life to it!

Please, please, please
a little theatre decorum.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Usually I have to
get him up for it.

From the top please!

Well, why do you think
I have my pants altered,

ahem, on such a regular basis?

Oooh.

I don't know... whyyyy?

Ha ha ha!

Ah, concentration,
Dr. Katz!

I'm sorry, I lost my place.

Dad!

Dad, take 5!

And please continue,
please continue!

Because it's an
excuse to see you,

to spend time with you,
to be near you.

Is that true? Because
there have been times

when I felt like
I can't go another day

without seeing youuuuu.

I'm sorry.
Can I interrupt?

What is it?
What is it?

I think you're being
a little big with Marie.

No no no!
Shh, shhh!!!

I think you're rattling my dad.

Ben, stay out of this!

If you want to know,

it is the way the scene
has been performed

since Ellen Terry did it.

Ellen Terry?

She was famous
for the "youuuuuuuu".

Alright.

Why don't you pick it up
from the top of page 17.

Okay.

And... action!

I'm sorry, it's this...
This line...

Dad! Dad!

Tell him, tell him
how much I was laughing

when we read it together.

Yeah, he did it much better
without the laugh.

Okay, let me try it again.

Why do you think
I have my pants altered

on such a regular basis?

I don't know...
Whyyyy?

Now do the laugh.

Ha ha ha!

Now, there ya' go.

I don't think this is a
particularly funny scene.

Oh man. Dad, get
ahold of yourself.

I'm sorry.

Dad, look at me.

Ha ha ha haaaaa!

I think he has severe
concentration problems.

Dad, I don't think
it's going well.