05x63 - Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

I think the point is,
that mom's coming.

This is a special...
Thanksgiving...

So I thought
it would be important

that I cook.

That's the whole idea, Ben,

it's that mom is coming.

This is heroic of you.

But I just want you
to be relaxed,

to enjoy the visit.

Because this is a
wonderful opportunity

for you and Roz to catch up.

Who's Roz?

Your mother.

See what I mean?

For instance,
you can exchange names.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Her name is Roz?

Man, I just hope we don't
hug and cry all night.

No, that's not gonna happen.

Plus, there's nothing
to be nervous about...

After all, she's...

The fruit of your loins, so...

You're the fruit of my loins!

No, mom is the
fruit of your loins.

No, mom took an
interest in my loins,

we made fruit... you.

Oh, you mean,
the child is the fruit?

That's right!

You said it, not me!

Wow... so, I'm
the fruit of your loins.

Do you want a t-shirt
that says that?

Ha, ha, ha!

With an arrow?

Ha, ha, ha!

Loins...

What are loins, by the way?

Loins are those big
scary things in the zoo.

Oh no, those
are lions, I'm sorry.

Loins are...

Think of a loin cloth, dad.

Right.

And go north...

Oh boy!

You know what I'm talking about.

That's my belly button.

Yup, that's where I came out of.

If it was only those simple...

How was my birth, dad,
do you remember?

Ah, I didn't feel a thing.

How long was your labor?

Your mother was in
labor for 32 hours,

I was faithful to her
the entire time.

Hey, dad?

Yes?

Shut up.

Okay.

...I'm just wondering

what your plans are for
Thanksgiving, because uh...

Oh, nothing special.

But you're joining your family
for Thanksgiving dinner, or...

No, I'm just gonna stay home.

They're coming over?

No, no, I'm just gonna...
Watch a movie, maybe... okay?

No, that's fine with me,
doesn't seem like a Thanksgiving

unless there's... family and
turkey involved...

Alright, thank you!
I didn't know that.

Okay... guess who's making
Thanksgiving dinner in my home?

I don't know.

Ben! Ben is cooking a
gourmet Thanksgiving dinner.

- No, he's not.
- From scratch.

I've never seen the guy
so focused in my entire life.

He's really so excited,

he's making dinner
for me, and for...

He's allowed to use the stove?

That's a good point...

Let me make a call,
hold on one second.

What's the matter with your eye?

What do you think is
the matter with it?

The one eye is looking at me,

the other one is
looking like a cow.

I just was
being distracted by...

How can you look
straight with one eye

and one over like that?

You wanna take a nap?

No, I'm not tired.

I'm just in a very pensive mood.

You know what I think?

If I'm paying for therapy,

I dunno, maybe it's me,

but could you get a little "up"
for the session, doc?

Am I asking too much

that maybe you at least...

Pay attention?

See, that's where
you're wrong, Dom.

Me paying attention

is precisely what
you don't need.

Never mind.

Never mind?

When does it become, that we're
friends in this thing?

If that's what brings you
back here every week...

Who's your favorite
client, seriously?

I mean like, do you
hang out with anybody?

I don't play favorites,
as a therapist.

When I took the Hypocratic Oath

as a medical professional,

I was taking on
an unbiased position...

So you're a physician too?

I didn't know that
you're a medical doctor.

Dom, we go through this
on a regular basis.

Doc?

Yes.

When you pee...

Chunks are not supposed
to come out, right?

No.

Look at this...

Did you ever see
a mole like that?

Yeah.

Just a thought, Laura...

What?

How would you like
to join me and Ben

for Thanksgiving dinner?

Umm... I...

And guess who else
is gonna be there?

Who?

Ben's mom, Roz,
is coming to town

for Thanksgiving.

- Really?
- Yes!

And I'd be thrilled,
and I'm sure Ben would be,

if you'd like to join us.

Why is your
ex-wife coming?

I thought you didn't get along.

We don't, but she's Ben's mother

and we invited her
and here she is.

It's gonna be like,
crazy awkward, right?

Yeah, it's gonna be
a little uncomfortable

but I think...

Should I bring anything?

Uh, no, I think
we've got it covered.

So, you're doing
nothing for Thanksgiving?

I'm not doing nothing...

I've got one of those
Ortega taco kits.

Yeah, oh those are fun, yeah.

So I'll be doing that.

I'm probably gonna go
to www.thankful.com

and just kick back.

I haven't been there yet.

You e-mail other people
who have nothing to do

on Thanksgiving.

Wow-wow!

So I'd be doing that.

Anyway, I'm cooking this year,

it's gonna be a
full-boat turkey dinner...

Oh my god!

- All the fixins.
- I love the fixins.

Yeah, I did the
mashed potatoes...

- Oh my god!
- Or I'm gonna do...

So, are a bunch
of people coming over?

- It's gonna be pretty small.
- Yeah?

But there's gonna be
enough food for 20.

Really?

I feel like I'm
about to accept...

But you didn't really...

I'd love to come over,
I mean that would be...

Yeah, no.

No, you can't come.

Did you say "no"?

- Yes, I said no.
- Are you serious?

Because... this is sort of
a "family only" deal

and you seem like
a nice guy, but...

I'm a very nice guy.

Who knows what you're like
out of the video store?

I think you're
joking with me, right?

No, no-no.

So, you're telling me
how you made food for 20.

You got like 4 people.

It is ironic.

It's just mean,
I dunno if it's ironic.

I guess that's true...

I can't invite you, I wish
you had some self-respect

and would stop inviting yourself

to my house for Thanksgiving

because...
It's embarrassing.

Well, you set me up,
you know you set me up.

Man, but it is
gonna be good, though.

So you're doing it again?

No, I'm not I'm just saying...

You just had to say,
"Oh, it's gonna be good".

Do you like turkey?

I love turkey!

Oh man, I'm sorry.

I got a big turkey.

How many pounds?

It's probably
gotta be 150 to 170...

Oh my god, your
card just expired.

Doc, I think that
you have things

that maybe it would help you
to talk to me about.

I've known you
a long time now...

Uh-huh.

And I don't think
you're improving.

What hurts?
What hurts you, doc?

Talk to me.

Well, Dom, this is not
a productive line

for us to pursue right now,

but, I am going to see you


so, can we come back to this?

What's the matter,
Dr. Katz?

Can't look in the mirror?

Huh?

Take a look at this mirror,
Dr. Katz, what do you see?

That's not a mirror,
Dom, that's you.

You see what I'm saying?

Oh my god.

That's right.

Can you...?

Yeah?

Can you get me
something to eat, I'm hungry.

I think I have
low blood sugar, doc.

Hold on one second, Dom.

Hey, Laura, can you bring in...

There's some uh...
Those wafers in the drawer,

can you bring in some for Dom?

Are they dietetic?

Hold on one second, Laura.

Do you want dietetic?

Well, I... I,
I don't have diabetes

but I think I'm dietetic.

What does that mean exactly?

I think that
it means, that um...

I have some kind of
a diet tetic-ness to myself,

like a diet...

I think I'm a dietitian.

What I wanted to tell you was

guess who's joining us
for Thanksgiving dinner?

Mom.

That's correct.

Goodbye!

Guess who else is joining us?

Are you sitting down?

Don't tell me I have a brother.

Laura.

I invited Laura to join us,

and she accepted my invitation.

Dad, you invited Laura?

Yes!

Why did you invite Laura?

Thanksgiving is a
family thing not...

She has no plans,
it is a family night...

Well doesn't she have a family?

She does have a family,

but she chose not to
spend it with them.

Well, dad, this kinda
puts a crimp in...

I gotta cook an extra turkey...

Why would you need to
get another turkey, Ben?

You don't have to
get another turkey,

you just have
to set another place.

But it's a turkey a person...

You don't need one turkey
for every person...

No, dad, I know that,
I was kidding.

Oh? Right.

I just don't think
it's a good idea.

I thought it's was tenuous
already with mom coming and...

I actually think...

It might make mom nervous...

I actually think that
having another person

will take some of
the pressure off of us.

Yeah, but not Laura.

Good point.

Laura puts a lot of
pressure back on.

I think in a social situation,

Laura can really
rise to the occasion.

Remember when we went to
the club with her that night?

Will she wear that dress again?

I can ask.

Alright, she's invited.

Hey, did you see
the meat thermometer

that I left on
the table for you?

Umm... that's a
meat thermometer?

Well, guess what?

What?

I don't have a fever.

I'm 98.6, my friend,
steady as she goes.

Are you old enough to remember

the Cranberry Scare
of the '50s, Stanley?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

The Poisonous Cranberry Scare.

It was the insecticides they
were spraying the crop with.

So for two years

it was considered unsafe
to eat cranberry sauce.

Yeah.

Those are such
dark years for me.

It's also happened to coincide
to my parents being subpoenaed

by the House Un-American
Activities Committee.

But I think it was the Cranberry
Scare that stayed with me.

Did they have to testify?

Yes, they did.

How old were you
when this happened, 10?

I think maybe I was 9.

That's pretty young.

That must've been
incredibly frightening.

Well, it was frightening, but

it was my decision
to turn them in.

Ha, ha, ha!

You gotta do what you gotta do.

So, Ben, sweetie, how long have
you and Laura been together?

Laura and I?

Yeah.

Laura and I?

Yeah! I mean...

Well, it's been...
Sometime now.

Because you guys are
so cute together.

Did you just meet
through your father,

because she's working for you

or the other way around?

It happened so quickly,
I barely remember the details.

So, you asked her out,
where did you go?

I love these kind of stories.

We just immediately made love...

Well I don't...

No, it just happened very fast,
it was sort of a whirlwind.

Still is.

You guys go out a lot or...?

Every chance we get...

We spend a lot of time together.

We do all the typical things

that most people
in relationships do.

Like?

Tandem bikes,
in the park, umm...

I took her once to the uh...

Where is she, by the way?

She's probably in the kitchen...

Doing something cute...

She's funny when she
wakes up in the morning,

the cutest little face
like a cat...

Hi, Laura!

Hey!

Hey, Laura.

Why are you touching me?

Ben was just telling me
how you two got together...

He was just telling us
about how you guys met...

Mom! Mom!
Let's sing the old song!

No, why should
you be embarrassed?

He was just saying
how you guys were...

Who guys?

We should really celebrate
this great holiday...

I understand that you guys
like to picnic and stuff.

Let's eat!

A mother wants to know about...

This is silly,
we should all split up!

Hey, Laura, why don't you
just... tell Roz

what it is that you do.

What I do?

Yeah, just describe
your job to her.

I think she would
find that interesting.

Okay.

Umm... well, I get there...
And then umm...

How are you guys getting along?

Ben, I think it's
going okay so far!

Alright, keep it going!

It's going good in here!

How are you doing, Laura?

Fine.

Whooooo!

Where did you get that blouse?

That's very cute.

Oh, really, you like it?

Very much.

And it's very becoming on you.

I just got it
at the thrift store.

You just have to have an eye

and then you can
find the best stuff.

It's very cute...
Very cute.

Thank you.

Owwww!
Owww, god!

Ben, what's wrong!

Nothing!

It's going okay in here!

Yeah, I got it!

They're just talking girl talk.

Ahhh... I love it!

Is that your color hair?

'Cause I love that...

Well, it's mine now.

Where do you go?

'Cause I'd like to...?

I do it myself.

You do?

By the way, I don't exist.

I could do yours, it's easy.

Fire in the hole!

Ummm...

Oh my god!

It's alright!

Everything is okay in here, dad!

Yeah, it's good here too!

Jesus [bleep]!!!

Holy [bleep]!

Did you say
dinner's being served?

What the [bleep]!

Everything's alright!

Ohh my gawwwwwd!

Ben is so dramatic
when he cooks.

Just let us know
when dinner's ready.

So, uh... we have
one American chop suey

up for grabs...
Very good.

Sweet and sour chicken
that's always good.

It always seemed like
a contradiction to me.

Beef stroganoff,
that's a recipe from Europe.

That sounds dirty.

Yeah.

Eggplant parmesan...

Who would'a thought
that combination would work?

It does.

And uh...
Veal piccata.

So, any of those
are up for grabs...

Who wants what?

I think we should
ask your mother first,

because she's our
guest of honor.

Yeah, mom, what would you like?

The veal sounds good.

Excellent choice.

Laura?

I think I'll have the veal too.

We're out of the veal.

Ohh.

Umm...

How about the eggplant,
you like eggplant?

Not really.

Too bad, you're having eggplant.

Dad, what do you want?

We've now 86'ed
veal and eggplant.

I'm gonna have the
sweet and sour chicken.

That's a good choice...
But choose again,

'cause I'm gonna have
the sweet and sour chicken.

What's available right now is
uh... American chop suey.

Do ya' have to have that
American style?

Do you have any cereal?

Ben, I don't think our guest

should be eating
the booby prize...

I do have cereal,
what would you like?

Do you have "Life"?

I don't have "Life".

Do you have any kind of o's?

I have Cheerios
and Frosted Cheerios.

What kind of milk do you have?

Skim, whole, heavy cream,
whatever you want.

Whole, please.

So, you want cereal
with whole milk?

Yes.

Anything on the side?

Sliced banana in that?

Parmesan?

I'll tell you something,

I'm glad I took it
out of the pouch,

because this is
Dee-licious!

Dad, don't make fun.

I tried and... I want to
apologize to Laura too...

I mean...

No, this is fine.

Yeah?

It's great.

It's o-licious.

I think this evening
was a big success.

Yeah.

I think the evening
is a big success.

Are you lying?

Yeah.

Why, because I said it twice?

I just can tell.

By the winking?

Will somebody please
pour me some more wine?

The bathroom is the
second door on the left!

That's my bedroom.

First door on the left!

This is going well
though, I think.

So far so good, I think.

The fact that she's able to
use the bathroom in our home...

Indicates a level
of comfort that...

Why did she take
her plate with her?

I don't know.

Do you remember what
I used to say to you

before we'd make love?

No.

"Thank you in advance
for your cooperation."

Ha, ha, ha!

Alright, you see, I'm laughing!

You say I never laugh!

Look!

And you don't notice when I do,

you only notice when I don't.

There's no reward with you.

There's simply
non-punishment.

Dogs are trained better.

Go ahead, honey...

I just...

I'm sorry, it was
a lovely dinner,

he's a lovely boy,
he did a lovely job.

I'm sorry I went away.

There's nothing
I could even say.

But you saw I ate everything
which was not easy.

Yeah.

There really seemed
to be a lot of tension

between your mother and father.

Yeah?

I kinda enjoyed it.

Yeah, I bet.

You seem to enjoy
when people are in...

I just like people!

It's always such a nightmare
for you to have to listen to me

after you listen
to people all day.

Yeah.

I mean, that was finally
our big problem.

No?

I think it was a problem,

I don't think
it was a big problem.

Well, it was in the top 5...

It was a problem for you, no?

You wanted to put me on lithium.

Well, you wouldn't take helium.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Actually I'm on Depakote now.

That's a "dirty drug", you
know what I mean by that?

It's an old drug and it...

Lithium is a dirty drug,
Depakote is a new version...

I'm surprised that
I know this more than you...

Depakote is now...

♫ Depakote... ♫

Is like second generation...

Well, there's Tegretol...
I take that too.

Yeah.

And there's Serzone,
I take that.

You're not dropping names
are you, Roz?

And then there's one that
I can never remember,

but it's a hormone,
that does the same thing.

Man, that beef stroganoff is
starting to sit a little heavy.

I'm going to...

Run to the john.

♫ Roz... ♫

Umm, dad?

♫ Go back to Oz... ♫

♫ Go be you, Roz ♫

Where?

♫ In Oz ♫

That's a song I wrote
called "Go be Roz in Oz".

It's beautiful, you're almost
like a musical genius.

Ben, you're much too kind.

What's this?

Just a little Thanksgiving
thing I'm working on.

Will you help me out here?

♫ Gratitude... ♫

You go
"Gratitude."

♫ Don't give me no attitude ♫

Would you?

Where's the Thanksgiving part?

♫ All I want is
gratitude tonight ♫

'Cause that's what
Thanksgiving's about.

It's about gratitude?

That's kind of a stretch, dad?

Maybe if you said instead of
"tonight", if you said

♫ On Thanksgiving day... ♫

♫ Gratitude on
Thanksgiving day ♫

I think that's
heavy-handed.

Yeah, that's what they
call some Plymouth rock,

ladies and gentlemen!

When we come back...

You know what I'm happy about-
you are going to, clearly-

have a relationship
with your mother as an adult.

Yeah, I...

It was fun for me to see
the two of you guys

talking to each other as adults.

It wasn't as fun as
I thought it was gonna be.

But I think that's
true about everything.

I think that maybe we need
to spend more holidays together,

we can get back to
what we had early on.

Hey, why don't you plan on spending
this coming mother's day with her?

Nah.

Okay.

But, tomorrow, dad,

tomorrow what I'm gonna do,
is cook a turkey.

And serve it up just
to you and me... alone.

Guess what, I like that idea...

Of actually having a...

Why does Thanksgiving have
to be only one night a year?

Certainly wasn't the
intention of the pilgrims.

People don't realize that it was

Thanksgiving every night
for those people.

They came to play.

Yeah.



♫ Gratitude...
Don't give me no attitude ♫

♫ Gratitude, attitude,
gratitude... ♫

It's when you try
to have a theme song

for your own family

that you're heading down
the road to hell.

That's our family's theme song?

Tonight it is.

You know what it is
tomorrow night...

♫ When Israel
was in Egypt land... ♫

♫ Let my people go ♫
♫ Let my people go ♫

♫ Go down ♫

♫ Moses... ♫

♫ Way down in Egypt land ♫
♫ Way down in Egypt land ♫

But for now it's-

♫ Gratitude, don't
give me no attitude... ♫

♫ Gratitude, gratitude tonight ♫

♫ Rappa pada-pada rappa pada... ♫

♫ Rappa pada-pada
rappa pada... ♫

♫ Rappa pada ♫

♫ Rappa pada daaa... ♫

Wish I had a kazoo!

Somebody has a birthday
coming up soon!