06x74 - Big TV

[bunniefuu]

Good burrito, dad.

Good burrito to you.

Ha ha ha.

I guess that works with any type
of Mexican food, doesn't it?

Good nachos.

That actually
means "Good night".

- I think, doesn't it?
- No.

- In Spanish?
- No.

Dad, could you quiet
down for a bit

'cause I'm trying to eat and
watch TV at the same time

and it gets confusing.
- Okay.

Dad, are you sitting on
the remote or something?

No.

'Cause the TV's all flickery.

Actually, I am sitting
on the remote,

but I don't think
I'm doing that.

Well, get off the
remote 'cause...

Okay.

I prefer it to be clear.

Here's... wait,
here's the remote.

Dad, the screen is
getting smaller.

Yeah, I don't think
I'm doing that.

- Gimme the remote.
- Yeah.

And gimme your burrito.

I'm still hungry.

Y'know what's weird?

Every time I take
a bite of this thing

the picture gets
a little bit fuzzier.

Dad, there's no picture.

Well, I'm done.

Well, turn it on.

Turn it back on.

I didn't turn it off...
Here's...

Wait, what the... dad,
the remote is not helping

and this TV is plugged in.

Maybe you should give it
mouth-to-mouth, Ben.

Ugh, let me give it a sh*t here.

Hold on.

Ow!

I don't think that's working.

Let me get back here, hold on.

Give it another sh*t.

Let me wedge my way back here.

You know, why don't
you pretend you're on TV?

And I'll just look at the screen

and I'll hear your voice.

Say, "Elsewhere
in the news..."

Dad, is the TV on?

- No.
- Oh man.

This is the worst show
I've ever seen,

I gotta tell ya that.

Dad, this can't be happening.

We, I have to retrace...
Come on, baby!

We have to retrace...
Come on!

Hey, Ben, Ben, Ben...

Come on.

Ben, you need to let go.

Oh m... dad.

- Ben.
- This can still work.

Ben.

Dad, everything's connected.

Come here.

All the wires are connected.

Ben, it's time to say "Good...

Clear!

- It's time to say "goodbye".
- Clear!!!

Laura... my darling,
my schmigel of love,

my bistle of light,

my everything to everybody...

How are you today?

I'm sorry, what was that?

I thought I'd come in, like,
with a bright entrance.

Y'know, instead of the neurotic crazy
kinda... therapy thing that I do.

I thought I'd come in with
like, that man thing,

"Hiya, baby cakes,
how's my Laura?"

What do you think of that?

I don't like it.

Well, alright,

I-I... apparently I can't do
anything right with you.

I have tried for years to...

I don't even want a smile
at this point.

I would settle for
a smirk from you.

I am sh**ting for a smirk.

That's all I want from you.

I've smirked at you before.

That's right, you did.

I stand corrected.

As a matter of fact,
I stand on my head.

Look at this.

Watch when I wave to you
with my foot.

Nice, huh?

Y'think I have too much hair
on my toes for a man?

You know what I realize?

What's that, Dom?

I have trouble
lettin' go of things.

Tell me about that.

Well, this whole Yoko thing.

It's just really starting
to hit me now.

About, y'know, how she
broke up the Beatles

and my anger's coming out

and I'm starting
to boycott her songs

and I'm, like,
the only one there.

And, I don't know.

I-I have trouble even

like, letting go
of physical things.

Like, your nose.

- Yo, doc, who's got it?
- Umm...

Doesn't it look like a nose
in my hand like that?

It does, that's...

Do you think that they
would have stayed together

if it wasn't for her?

You're talking about
John and Yoko again?

No, the Beatles.

Why does that all of a sudden
seem so important to you?

I don't know, I just get things

and they come up into my head

and that's... and then I can't
get rid of them, I obsess.

- Yeah.
- I obsess with a thought.

And then I obsess that I'm
obsessing with a thought.

I wouldn't worry about it.
I don't think...

Well, that's why I'm here.

I'm here not to worry.

You tell me not
to worry about it.

That's your advice?

That's what I come in here
for all these friggin' years?

To get that kind of advice...

Not to worry about it...
Thanks!

You know, the guy
at the newsstand

could've told me
not to worry about it.

You know, if the guy
at the newsstand

says to you "Don't
worry about it", Dom...

Mmm...

You still gotta
pay for the paper.

Oh.

And it is the same advice
I'm giving you.

But when I say,
"Don't worry about it"

I'm drawing from my, my years
of experience as a therapist.

Who, who was your first patient?

Why... why is that
important to you?

Did he, I mean, is he gone?

Did you tell him he graduated?

He actually relocated.

He left you.

You wanna talk about it?

No, I-I...

No, but thank you for asking.

I'm sorry,
I-I, I'm sorry.

No, I-I...

Mind if I sit
on your lap for a second?

Just to relax.

Not in a gay way.

I guess that's all right.

I'm just gonna let myself
go limp a little.

Ow!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

You ever wash these ears, doc?

Jeesh.

Doc, you have an
extra room in your house?

I was thinking of moving in.

- Is that inappropriate?
- Yes.

It's inappropriate,
it's unavailable,

and no, I don't
have an extra room.

Well, I'm not sleeping with you.

I'll relax, I'll play ball.

I'll wrestle with you.

But I'm telling you right now.

You're not gonna get me
in the sack.

I love when these people go,
"May I be honest with you?"

No, please be as misleading and
as deceitful as possible,

that's all I would ever expect
from a lowlife scumbag like you.

I don't mean that in a bad way.

You're angry today, Dom.

Well... you know, doc,
I'm not really angry per se.

I'm just in a very violent,
hostile mood.

Well, my concern
is just that-that

you come in here every week

and you release
this anger and...

Well, I'm thinking of
taking Tae-Bo.

Is that true?

Now-now, what-how
does that work exactly?

Well, it's great

because you dance
like a Broadway dancer...

Mm-hmm.

With lethal blows.

So, it's like the best
of both worlds.

You know, you could do like,
"Annie get your g*n"

and still, like, knock everybody
off the stage.

It-it's just my fantasy.

I would love to just like,
start knocking dancers out.



Dad, I think it's pretty clear.

I've made it pretty clear to you

that I need a TV.

I think we should get a new TV

and I think tomorrow
we can go out...

Dad, we need a TV right now!

We don't need a TV now, Ben.

We could get through
the evening without a TV.

We've gotten through
many evenings without a TV.

I'm all tight.

Well, we'll go out
tomorrow night and, get one.

Well, why don't you
take today off

and we'll get it right now.

Ben, I have a lot of patients

who are really
depending on me today.

Like who?

Well, the ones
in my dependency group

to start with.

Uh, they're dependents...

Alright, fine.
We'll go tonight, then.

You know what, Ben,
I can't go tonight.

I have, I have this seminar.

Well, dad, we gotta get one...

Y'know what?

If I come by your office
today at noon,

I'll borrow your car
and go over to...

No, Ben, this is a...
This is...

The mall and pick up a TV.

It's a major purchase and
we should do it together.

I'd like to have
some input on this.

I'll fill you in as to
what I'm going to get.

We'll... you just need to wait
until tomorrow, Ben.

You need to be a little
grown-up about this thing.

I am grown-up
about it.

I just want the TV today.

Maybe you and I can go
to this seminar together

on this
split-brain theory.

Oh please, I don't go
to seminars, dad.

I actually think
you would enjoy this one.

This is a guy...
He has this theory

that people with
mental disorders...

Actually it's because
a w*r's going on

between the two sides
of their brain.

And he's designed these goggles
that you wear...

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're serious?

No, I'm serious.

They help the patient
or the person

get in touch with the
sane side of their brain.

Mmm.

So they can put their insane side
of their brain in perspective.

The downside is you have to wear
goggles all the time.

Sounds like a
far-fetched idea.

It has to be 'cause it costs
forty bucks to get in.

Fifty bucks, to get
a pair of goggles.

So, what d'you think?

Does it sound
interesting to you?

What-what?
I wasn't listening.

The the seminar.

Oh, about the two
sides of the brain?

Yeah.

-And the goggles?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Okay.

- Al Lubell is actually my stage name.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes, Al Lubell is my stage...
I chose the name Al Lubell.

Right.

And you may think
it's two names.

It's not, it's one name.

Like Madonna.

Allubell, Allubell, Allubell.

The name that was given to me
at birth is... Al Lubell.

That's my actual name:
Al Lubell.

My stage name: Allubell.

You know how James Bond goes,
"The name is Bond... James Bond."

Yeah.

I was thinking, if I was
a secret agent, I'd go,

"The name is Allubbel...
Allubell."

Was there ever a Mrs.
Allubell in your life?

- I've never been married.
- Mm-hmm.

And honestly, I'm not... I'm not
excited about getting married.

I'm not... in fact,
I don't think anyone is.

Well...
Even newlyweds.

They're not excited about it.

That's why on their car,
it says, "Just married".

Actually, I'm scared
to get married, y'know?

Stand at that altar
and go, "I do."

The ultimate vow: "I do."

I mean, I'm a totally
indecisive person.

I'm always asking people
for advice.

I'd get married if they'd
reverse the vow.

"Do I?"

Yeah.

I also have a big fear of aging.

There's a big part of me that
doesn't want to accept the fact

that I'm getting older.

Y'know, doesn't want to
acknowledge the passage of time.

Right.

I mean, I'm 39 years old.

I can't believe just


I can't believe just


And you may say,
"C'mon, just 10 years?

Ten years is 10 years."

But 10 years is not that long.



I mean, have you ever looked at your
fingers and thought, "So many!"

- I'm 39 years old.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm closer to 50,
to 50 than to 22.

Right.

I'm closer to 60 than to 12.


And I'm scared of being 60

'cause, 60 is getting up there.
- Yeah.

I mean, 'cause if you have a
heart att*ck and die at 39,

people are like,
"Oh my god, oh no!

He was only 39."

But if you have a heart att*ck
and die at 60,

people are, like,
"He was 60."

People are always saying to me,

"Al, what are you so
worried about death for?

It's out of your control."

Right.

"Enjoy the ride, Al."

I mean, if you're driving your car
down the street, and the road is wet.

And you got to stop short and
you skid and you do a 360,

are you gonna go, "Uhhhh!"

Or are you gonna go,
"It's out of my control.

Why worry about the crashing,
enjoy the spin!"

Alright, guys, that's fine.

Just bring it right
through here...

Don't worry about the door...

Don't worry about the desk...

Don't worry about the rug.

Rugs rip.

Okay, set it down
right there, that's good.

Thanks, I'll...
Take it from here,

'cause I know where to put it,

and I don't want to
trouble you guys...

Lemme get it.

Here we go...

Actually, maybe we should
do it together.

If you guys want to stay and watch the
big set with me, that's fine, I mean...

Guys, could you put the door
back on before you... guys?

You took the door off,
and now there's no door...

I'll put it back on.

Todd, you're gonna love this.

What's that?

This is a big day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I just acquired...

Mm-hmm.

- ...the big one.
- Right.

The big baby.

Mr. Biggerton.

Professor Biggens.

What'd you buy, man?

Dr. Big!
Paging Dr. Big!

Todd, I just bought
a 72-inch television.



This is like, bar-none, the best thing
that's ever happened to me in my life.

How much did this thing
set you back?

Set who back?

Whoever bought this.

- How much did it set that person back?
- Oh, not... not me.

It set that person back a lot.

Wow.

Yeah, it was my father.

Your father bought you
a 6-foot TV.

Well, I did the paperwork.

But, no, what this guy,
has designed a pair of goggles

because he maintains that,
depending on who you are,

one side of your brain is reasonable,
and the other side is the more creative

and usually is at w*r with the
reasonable side of the brain.

- Huh, this was a seminar you went to?
- Yeah.

I went to it because I'm on
a mailing list, essentially.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, Katz, but
the, uhh, the medulla oblongata...

Hey, this is a family
restaurant, please.

I love saying that:
The medulla oblongata.

What, what about it?

I just like saying it, that's all.
Alright, well...

Years ago, before we know what we now
know about the brain, which is not a lot.

Yeah.

They used to drill
a hole in the skull...

Oh, I heard that.

To permit the
evil spirits to escape.

What they didn't realize is that
other evil spirits were getting in.

And also, electric shock therapy
used to be very popular.

Right, they still use that, huh?

Well, it's called the death
penalty, but it's really...

Dad, c'mon in.

Take a look-see.

There... she... blows!

Oh wait a minute, I'm sorry,
thar she blows!

Ben, wha-wha-what is this?
What is going on here?

Umm, it's a TV, dad.

I know it's a TV, but whose
money bought that TV?

Wha-what...
Are you nuts?

Dad, your hard-earned money
bought it.

We cannot afford a TV that size.

Dad, there are simple answers to
all these questions, but not now.

Can you shut the thing
off for one second?

Oh, it takes a while
to shut down.

It's sort of a 5-minute
shut-down process Ben.

And I just got the whole
thing on, so let's leave it on.

- I can't focus.
- First of all, c'mere.

- Stand right next to me.
- No!

- No, c'mon.
- Okay.

Put your arm around me.

Alright?

- I'm going to put my arm around you.
- Okay.

Alright, now take
two steps back with me.

Right.

Now look at her, huh?

That is a very impressive
piece of technology, Ben.

Dad, it is over three times
the size of our last set.

I mean, you know the features
this has?

No, I-I don't know.

Well, let me
list 'em off to you:

Okay.

It has "TV talk".

What is "TV talk"?

I don't know.

What else does it have?

It has a 3DYC digital
comb filter.

And what is that?

It means it cleans itself.

- It's a self-cleaning TV?
- Yeah.

Of course it has the
illuminated universal remote,

which I'm holding
in my hand here.

My... the hair on my arms is
rising, from the static, I think.

It-it does, umm, supposedly,
emit a stronger radiation

than the normal 27-inch set.
- Yeah.

Here's a good one for you:
It has parental control.

What... lemme take the
illuminated remote

and whack you over the head
with it.

Dad, I hope you're
not upset about it.

No, no I'm not upset.

Dad, you said go buy the TV and
I went and bought the TV.

Well, first of all,
what did the set cost me?

Oh, well, cost is not an issue.

Just enjoy!

No, I just wanna know
whether we can eat...

Honestly, dad, you can't
put a number figure on it.

I'm sure it couldn't
have been more than $600.

Did you say, "I'm sure it couldn't
have been more than 600"?

Yes, I'm certain of that.

Huh, that's funny.

Ben, don't, don't t*rture me.

Just tell me the number.

Alright, fine.

Yup, what'd it cost?

Um $2,200.

Arrggghh!

- Uhh!
- Dad.

Hang on one second...
Where's my pacemaker?

It's in your chest.

Ben, this is...
We cannot spend...

We can't spend
$2,200 on anything!

Dad, first of all, it took a lot of time
and effort to get this thing in here.

And I'm certainly not gonna go through
the time and effort to get it out.

Well, all I can say is,
if this TV is still here

when I wake up tomorrow
morning, Ben,

I'll watch it!

- Hey, Dom?
- Yeah.

I think that we need to move back into
the areas that make you uncomfortable.

Not that couch.

I don't want to sit
on that couch again.

There's too many springs
that go up my butt.

We started to make
a little progress.

You were telling me about...

Look at this tattoo
I had put on my thigh.

Is that new?

Yeah.

Can you read it?

"To whom
it may concern."

Mmm.

Look at this other one.

"Going this way", huh?

That's very clever.
Did you pay for that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, not all at once.

Yeah.

Doc, what's your middle name?

I'm not really sure that's
an appropriate question, Dom.

I was weaving this
flower thing for you.

What is your middle name?

My middle name is Paul.

- Is it really?
- Yup.

Wow, never guessed that.

What is, what is
your middle name?

Ahh, I don't want
to talk about it.

It's ridiculous.

What is it?

Orangutan Anus Hair.

Dominick John Orangutan
Anus Hair Irrera.

You think it's silly, don't you?

No, I don't think
it's silly at all.

I think it's very unusual.
It's very unusual.

"Orangutan Anus Hair",
they would call me.

I think that umm, you're trying to
divert the conversation from you, again,

to this fictitious world.

Am not! Am not!

Dom, you know, you regress
all you want.

I can't hear you,
I can't hear you.

Daddy dat a dap dap,
daddy dat a dap dap.

But I think that you
have a hard time making...

You had a hard time
making the adjustment

from child to adolescent.

And even more difficult
from adolescent to adult.

Doc, do you like the
smell of this flower?

Ah!

Oh, I can't believe
you got me again.

What's that on your shirt?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey!

Hi, Laura.

Hi.

You must have heard
about the new TV, huh?

Yeah, I heard about it.

I mean, I was up 'till, like,


Watching that thing.

And you know what?
It never ceased to amaze me.

Mmm.

Y'know, when you sit
close to that TV,

it's like
mind-blowing.

This morning when I got up

I sat Indian-style
right in front of it

and I passed out.

You know, if the TV's so great,

what are you doing here?

Well, I mean, even I...

Even a guy like me
has to take breaks.

Plus you know my dad was
a little upset about it

and I wanted to come by

and pay a little lip service
to his problem.

He-he just wasn't
particularly into it,

especially, the cost of it

and the size of it

and how he felt
it ruined the apartment.

Hey, dad!

Hey, Laura, any calls or...

- Any messages?
- Hey, dad!

Anything I should know about?

Uh, no.

Okay.

Dad.

- Hey, could you do me a favor, Laura?
- Yeah.

Can you ask Ben what he
would like for dinner?

Hello, dad.

Ben?

Your father would like to know

what you'd like for dinner.

Okay.

I see what you're doing, dad.

In fact, tell Ben that
I think we can afford

one chicken pot pie.

Dad, don't do this.

- We could...
- He can't hear you, Ben.

Tell Ben we could,
we could share one.

Would you like to share

a chicken pot pie with
your father this evening?

Okay, fine.

Tell my dad that I'm not gonna
play this game with him.

I'm going to talk
directly to him.

I'm not gonna talk
through you, okay?

I can't tell him that.

Tell my dad

I am not gonna talk through
you to talk to him.

I don't have to just tell people

whatever they want me
to tell other people.

You have to do it
for both people

in order for this to work!

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do!

Laura. It's not a one-way deal!

Laura, I think... you
can't do it with my dad

Laura... and then
not do it with me.

You have my permission

to tell me that if you want to.

- I don't really want to.
- Tell my dad thank you.

Okay, could you do it though?

'Cause I think otherwise...

Obviously it's not
gonna work, Laura,

if you don't do that.

Okay, umm, Ben said
something sss...

No, here's what I said.

And he got sss...

- Laura.
- Something.

Laura, don't misconstrue
what I'm saying here.

Laura, tell Ben
not to get mad at you.

Ben, don't get mad at me.

You tell my dad I'm walking out!

I'm walking out!

And I'm keeping the TV, alright?

Tell Ben not to leave in a huff.

Dad, seriously.

- Dad.
- He can't hear you.

Laura, please, just wait.

- I'm having a...
- He's deaf to you.

I'm having a moment with my dad.

Tell Ben that I can't hear him

while he owns that TV.
- Dad, wait.

Wait, wait.

- Wait!
- Ben, he can't hear you...

While you own that TV.

- Dad!
- Yeah?

Look me in the eye...
Ahh... ohh.

And tell Laura...

To shut up!

- Hey, Ben.
- Yes, dad?

Thank you so much for
doing the right thing.

I really...
I'm proud of you

and it makes me feel good.

I got your desk back in
as you noticed.

Yup, I appreciate that.

- The door's back on its hinges.
- Yup.

We did scratch
the floor up a little,

but I mean that's not...

Why did you get a TV smaller

than the one we, we already had?

I didn't.

That's the same size
as the one we had.

No, we, we had a um...

A what?

- A 27-inch.
- Oh, really?

Well, here's the manual,
what does that say?

Uh, twenty...

Seven...
Seven inch.

Yeah.

It just seems so,

I guess it seems small
in comparison to the...

Yeah, I guess you're right, it does.
Big screen TV.

You know what?
We'll get used to it.

What's he doing?

Is he taking out a g*n
or is that a pen?

Well, that's a g*n, dad.

Why don't you put on
your glasses?

I have my glasses on. Oh.

I guess we can move the
couch a little closer now

and um...
Maybe, maybe...

Why do you wanna do that?

So we can see the TV.

The place feels a bit lonely

without the big one, doesn't it?

It just feels, it feels like...

Well, I guess it feels
like it used to.

It's different
watching this way.

Wait, which way?

On a TV you can't really see.

Do you have any interest
in going down to Big Bob's

and getting
the big screen TV back?

I can't hear you,

I'm on my way to Big Bob's.

I remember, I went, uh,
to the Grand Canyon.

They have these donkey rides.

They go down to the bottom
of the Grand Canyon.

You make these ground descending
circles on the donkeys

'til you get to the bottom.

What's amazing is they don't put
up any railings or fences.

Nothing.

We're right on the edge.

I was just one little wrong
donkey step from death.

One.

I said to the tour guide,
"I'm really scared."

He said to me,
"Don't worry about it.

"No donkey has ever fallen
before into the canyon."

And it was really scary.

Every couple of minutes

my donkey would turn his head

and look down into
the bottom of the canyon.

And I got really scared
cause I thought, like,

what if just one time

he looks down and decides,
"I'm mighty mule."

I mean, I could be
the first person

to ever die from
a donkey delusion.

I'm thinkin' a making
a career change.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

Why is that?

Well, because I-I-I...

I'd like to play
in a marching band.

I mean, I think that the idea,
the glory and the...

I want to be a musician.

Mm-hmm.

And I think the rock thing
is fading

and the whole thing...

I'd like to play
in a marching band.

I like the hat.

I like the high hat.

I like to wear a hat that's
like, 4, 5 feet above my head.

And just stroll and
maybe be a drum major.

Do you realize how far
they can lean back

without falling down?

Nobody ever gives them
credit for that.

Woops, you know what
the music means, Dom,

we're gonna have to stop.

Could you change that song?

How long have I been coming
here, the same song?

Well, what'dya have in mind?

Why don't ya play some mambo?

Aahhhh... huhhh!