06x76 - You're Belinda

[bunniefuu]

I have a confession
to make, Ben.

She's not really your aunt.

- What do you mean?
- Aunt Jemima.

Ha ha ha.

But Mrs. Butterworth,
she is your aunt.

Oh really?

Yeah, she's your
mother's sister.

I love pancakes, dad.

God, I love 'em.

You know, your definition of
a short stack

has changed over the years.

Well, I go by... by
the human scale.

You mean it's
in proportion to you.

Yeah.

- So, dad?
- Yeah.

I was reading
this thing yesterday

about a new method in psychology
called "Brief therapy".

Do you know about this?

Yeah, I've... I'm familiar
with brief therapy.

It's very popular right now.

Yeah. Well, it seems to be
the new thing in therapy.

Well, every few years something
like that comes up...

Which sort of captures
the imagination

of the world of therapy
and of the public,

and y'know, it's usually somebody
trying to make a quick buck.

No, but this seems a little
different, dad.

It seems like it, w...
It's very effective.

Yeah, they all seem like that.

Well, what was the last one?

The last one was
the Freudian thing.

Dad, that was like 80 years ago.

Wasn't it?

More than that.

You know this article says that,
and I quote...

I can't really quote 'cause
I don't have it on me...

Okay.

But it said that
brief therapy will be

the predominate method
of therapy

for the next millennium.

Why don't you get
back to me then?

I think this is
the real thing, dad.

Because in only one session,
you're done.

One session and you're out.

Yeah, that's not the way
it works, Ben.

Well, it apparently does.

From what the article said, dad,
you ask, like ten questions.

Mm-hmm.

And the session can be
as short as ten minutes.

Most of the people I see are
between the ages of 30 and 40

and it's taken them
that many years

to get as sick as they are.

So you can't just fix them
in ten minutes.

I'm just saying, dad, that if you
don't take this seriously, right?

A year from now, your patients
might have moved on...

All in brief therapy, all cured.

And you're sitting alone,
in your office, with no one.

Doesn't sound so bad,
right now, you know?

But like, how we judge um,
witch doctors now...

You don't see many of those
around anymore.

Ben, I want to tell you
a little story

about a young man named
Jonas Salk,

who thought that by injecting
people with a vaccine,

he could cure polio.

Mm-hmm.

Oh no, wait, that's right...
That's not a good example.

'Cause he did.

- He did, yeah.
- Yeah.

Laura?

Yeah?

I-I just... I want to
tell you,

I just had a great session
with a patient.

A really insightful session
with my last patient.

Great.

And I... I think I'm on the top
of my game, actually.

Super.

And I did some extra
listening...

I mean, I'm not going
to charge him extra...

But I did some extra listening,
and I really think I helped.

Dr. Katz, why are you
talking like this?

Ever hear of brief therapy?

Mmmm... is that like
Myers-Briggs?

Who's Myers Briggs?

You don't know what
Myers-Briggs is?

No, I don't.

Well, it's a personality
profile system.

And you just answer...
Just a few questions

and you get this
four-letter code

that you look up in a book.

Yeah, that-that's really...
That's the kind of thing

a vocational counselor
would be helpful with.

Alright.

You know, I... I am
a psychotherapist.

So are Myers and Briggs.

Yeah, Myers and Briggs individually
might be psychotherapists,

but you team them up...
They're vaudeville.

I'm sorry.

What is it that prompted you
to come to therapy?

I got a lot of things
on my mind.

I'm going through a divorce.

That must be very painful.

Actually, it's very liberating.

That was my next guess.

Yeah, they lied to me.

They told me that marriage
was a contract.

No, it's not.

Contracts have start dates
and end dates.

I mean, contracts have
warranties, right?

Well...

They have warranties...
If something goes wrong,

you can take it back
to the manufacturer.

Well, that's true.

Your husband starts acting up,

you can't take him back
to his mama's house.

Talkin' 'bout,
"Uhh... he broke."

There must have been other things
about him that bothered you.

And he was so cheap,
cheap cheap cheap.

Yeah.

Whenever we would go out,
I paid all the tolls.

Really?

Oh yeah, doc... he back up
to the toll

so that the booth would be
on my side.

That's cheap.

I think we need to update
the marriage vows.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause I had to stand there
in front of god, my family,

sayin' "Til' death do you part".

We need to update 'em, because
that's old testament stuff.

Right.

Moses and them wrote that. True.

They didn't have a problem makin'
that type of commitment back then,

'cause they didn't live
that long.

They had good plagues,
and stuff like that.

Y'know, so as soon as you were
gettin' tired of somebody,

here come some locusts who'll come
in and just eat his ass up for you.

We don't have plagues, now.

Now we have tofu, and antibiotics,
and personal trainers.

Yeah.

So we just live forever.

Yeah.

Until one day you just end up
lookin' at each other, just,

"Ugh, I see you got up today.

Y'know, you should start
smoking."

- Dad?
- Speaking.

- My only dad.
- You got him.

- Hey, dad.
- Yes.

I spoke to the, uh,
brief therapy center.

It's in Yorba Linda, California.

That sounds like baby talk.

I love saying it...
Yorba Linda.

But I'm not Belinda.

And either are you,
oddly enough.

I spoke to a woman there mm-hmm.

For like, four hours.

Is it an 800 number they have?

No no no.

That's a long call to
California, that's all.

Well, I was mostly on hold.

So you called them...

So I asked, um...
So I spoke to them.

They have a whole center dedicated
to the study of brief therapy.

Jeez, I wonder how they can
afford a center

with the zillions of dollars they've
made on that brief therapy scam.

Dad, I'm telling you,
it's not a scam.

I asked them if it were a scam,
and they said "no".

That's reassuring.

They're really doing some
ground-breaking work there.

They already built the
clubhouse... squash courts

that's great, Ben, but I...

They have a juice bar.

I told you, I'm not inter...
Juice bar?

And I'll tell you something,
when I talked to the woman

we got involved in a little
brief therapy of our own,

and it turned out
really well for me.

Mm-hmm.

After, like, the first minute

she had already uncovered the
summer camp issue that I had.

I-I didn't realize you had
an issue with summer camp.

Dad, there was an incident...
The summer camp situation?

What incident?
Refresh my memory.

Well, I don't want to go
dredging it up, now.

I just did, with the woman.

Pretend I'm a brief therapist.
Tell me about it.

Y'know, she... it was much more
easy to talk to her.

Well, that's because she's not
your father.

See, she didn't go,
like, respond,

and there wasn't all this
long-winded crap that you do.

Oh, Ben.

It was just very quick, snappy.

It's called "being thoughtful".

Hydrophobia.

Thank you, but no thank you.

No, I mean that's what she said
I had, hydrophobia.

Oh, why does she think
you had hydrophobia?

You're not afraid of the water.

Yeah, see, this is part of
the problem.

You have no recollection of
the big issue in my life,

and after two minutes, she,
you know, she deals with it.

Maybe she'd like to make you
dinner tonight.

Well, thanks for ruining my
life, according to the woman.

Well, tell her I think that she's wrong
and I'm right, if you talk to her again.

You're an evil man.

I love you, and
good-bye.

Do you, really?

I-I do...

She said you didn't.

Uhh... she's afraid
of water.

Rich, you think it's because
you still live at home?

If you live at home, people
perceive you differently, I find.

Now, if you're a guy and you live at
home past a certain age, 20 to 25,

you're lazy and irresponsible.

Right.

And 30 and over, y'know,
you're a serial k*ller.

I am not a... I'm not
a serial k*ller.

I have been unstable
on occasion...

Look, I'm sorry,
when are you turning 30?

- Uh, I'm 32.
- Mmm.

'Course the mother angle...
I always get that from women...

They always figure you have an unhealthy
relationship with your mother.

They don't come right out
and say it,

it's just that tone of voice.

Y'know, they'll be like,

"Ohh, you're still living
with your mother.

Nice, mmm?"

I never know what to say
to that, I'm always like,

"Yeah, we're still just
living together.

Guess I'm not ready to take
that next big step."

And it's so ridiculous,
my mother isn't even my type.

I mean, she's got kids,
that's a real turnoff.

I had some good experiences.

I went on a couple dates
with the little sister

of someone I used to
go out with years ago.

Mm-hmm.

That's weird... dating two
people in the same family.

Right.

The most awkward part was going through
the incredibly awkward situation

of meeting the parents...
Again.

Mmmm.

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura.

Hi.

- How you feelin'?
- Fine.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

You don't sound it.

Oh. Well, maybe something's
wrong with your ears.

Well, gal like you has a lot
of problems, y'know?

No.

Well, it's true.

We all have our problems, Laura,

we just have to kind of
admit it.

You know, to ourselves?

You don't want to bottle
everything up.

Mmm.

Hey, Laura, did you know about
this brief therapy thing

I'm researching for my dad?

Is it anything like
Myers-Briggs?

Mmm... isn't Myers-Briggs
the uh letter system?

Yes!

Yeah, that's... it's not
like that.

It's not a... it's not a joke,
it's a real thing.

No, Myers-Briggs
is not a joke.

Yeah, y'know, Myers-Briggs is,
like in the self-help section.

Brief therapy is in the
psychology section.

Myers-Briggs is-is just for,
like... it's like a party game.

It's not a party game.

Okay, Laura, here's the deal...

I will ask you a couple
of questions,

when I'm done, you tell me that
it doesn't work. Alright?

'Kay.

What's your first name?

Laura.

Hi, Laura, I'm Ben.

Hi.

Please, have a seat.

I'm already sitting.

Alright, this isn't working,
do the Myers-Briggs thing on me.

Are you energized by being
with other people or

energized by
spending time alone?

Hmm...
Theoretically.

Well, I don't know yet.

I have to spend time
with people, first.

Do you like being the center
of attention or

do you avoid being the center
of attention?

Oh, baby, I love it.

Do you act, then think;
Or think, then...

No, I got that one.

Y'know what?
I can fill it out for you.

Alright, let's see,
you're e-n...

See, aren't you, like, a
little, like, dubious

about anything that
just assigns a...

Shhh! E-n-t-p,
that's what you are.

Tell you what I am right now,
b-o-r-e-d.

E-n-t-ps love excitement
and challenge,

enthusiastic and ingenious, they are
talkative, clever, and good at many things

and constantly strive to increase
their competence and personal power.

- You're right, it's bull.
- Yeah.

Here's the thing... it's that
he is so convinced

that I'm in the wrong business.

Why?

Well, he's worried about my
ability to make a living.

Well, sure.

Brief... is it like,
quick therapy?

Well, I guess there's a whole
school of thought

where you can get to the core
of somebody's problems

almost in a few minutes.

Really?

I don't see how you can do that
in such a short period of time.

I mean, how can brief therapy
bring about real change

when to change, you need to
change your belief system.

Hmm.

Are you with me?

You're preaching
to the converted.

Yeah.

Do you put any stock in that?

No, I spend too much time
in the field.

It's like giving somebody like,
one Prozac pill.

How did they get to this?

How do they... do you know how
it works?

Yeah, they ask certain
key questions.

Ohh.

Like, "What the hell is wrong
with you?"

I would love to talk about
your childhood.

I had a great childhood.

Although, umm, I gotta tell you,
I have a phobia.

I'm afraid of thunder and
lightning.

Really?

Yeahhh. It was from
my grandmother.

She's really religious, so whenever
it's thunder and lightning, she'd say,

"Hey, turn off the lights,
'cause god is doing his work."

And she would run around
and unplug everything.

I mean, she'd unplug everything.

- You could be on life-support...
- Umm.

And she'd say, "You know, it's
thundering and lightning, baby.

Granny gonna have to
unplug this.

I'm gonna send you to Jesus.
Tell him I said 'hi'."

I have nephews and I
love them to death,

but kids, they aren't as tough
as when we were kids.

I don't understand, y'know, the world
is meaner but the kids is softer.

Right.

I'm lookin' at my nephew and
he's standing there with

a helmet, knee pads,
shoulder pads,

special gloves, special boots.

Talkin' about,
"I'm a-gonna ride my bike".

Wha... where,
to a mine field?

What the hell is all this?

We didn't have no damn helmets
when we were kids.

We used to get hit by cars
when we were kids.

I'd get scared... woooo!

"Don't tell my mama I got hit
by that car, she'll b*at me."

And we used to play good games
when we were kids.

Now the kids, they just want
to sit in the house

and play Nintendo and... ahh,
there's all this soft stuff.

We played fun games like
"Catch the axe".

And uh, "That didn't hurt".

And "How many times can I hit you in the
head with this hammer before you pass out?"

I passed a car the other day

and had the little sun screen
in the back window.

Mm-hmm.

I thought it was
an ugly baby hider.

I was like, "Damn, that's
an ugly baby back there.

They have to hide it
behind a curtain."

Right.

But it's a sun screen.
Can you believe it?

Babies can't take sun now.

They so soft, they just
explode in the sun. Well...

When we were kids, you had
little babies all across America

just bakin' in the back
of buicks.

My mother would always say
something stupid, y'know,

"Oooh! I tell you the baby always
takes a nap when we go for a ride".

Hello?

Speaking.

I'm sorry, try again?

This is Dr.... who?

Dr.... you're with the brief
therapy center?

Yeah, that's probably...

Okay.

Ha ha ha, oh Ben!

Yeah, he shouldn't
have done that.

I am practicing. In fact, I'm gonna start
practicing it again in about two minutes.

So... can you send me some,
some literature?

Okay.

Well, y'know, I'm... it's not
so much that I'm skeptical

as I-i am... what's the word
I'm looking for?

Yeah, yeah.
I'm more cynical,

with a little side order
of skepticism.

Now when you say "brief",
how fast are you talking about?

Wow, that is fast.

Hey, did Ben make the
boxers vs. briefs joke?

Okay, then I won't.

Y'know, my jokes don't always
work in Yorba Linda.

Hey, Laura, I wish you would screen
my calls a little more carefully

because, I really was not interested
in talking to that woman.

At the end of the conversation,
why did you say,

"Hey thanks so much for calling
and I'll get back to you?"

Well, I was trying to be polite.

But, I don't need someone
selling me

on a three-week seminar
in Yorba Linda, California.

Sounds kinda nice.

They have a 30-acre
estate.

Hmm.
With a pool and...

Yeah, it doesn't really seem
like it has very much to do

with therapy or training.

No no, there are daily sessions.

Three hours a day,
you talk about brief therapy

and you're trained in the use
of that technique.

And then the rest of the time,
you're on your own.

- It sounds like a uh picnic.
- Wow.

But I just don't, I don't need that kind
of call in the middle of my work day.

- Are you going?
- Probably.

I shouldn't have ate
a pre-dinner.

Y'know, your interpretation
of hors d'oeuvres is so broad.

Umm.

You're one of the few people
that's sentimental about food.

Yeah.

I think that's actually
a charming quality.

Well, I have a huge soft spot.

Yeah. You know the soft spot
on the top of your head?

Well actually, I'm one of the only
adults to still have theirs...

I mean, press in here.

Wow, that's squishy.

Yeah, that's my brain.

What are you thinking?

What-what, change
your mind quickly.

Ohh, I can't move
my left side now.

Take your finger out.

Okay.

- Oh, dad, did you uh, get a call today...?
- I got the call.

You got the call from the
brief therapy center.

Yeah.

And she was very nice.

- Chummy.
- She was?

Yeah.

Did she hit you with
a diagnosis, like me?

I asked her about that and she never
diagnosed you with hydrophobia.

She said, you were the one
who brought it up.

Oh, maybe I did,

but it was her
that gave the courage

to finally reveal it.

Ben, you can't just make up
having a phobia.

It's not healthy.

Well, but I want one.

See, I think you have plenty of
real problems to deal with.

You definitely don't need
to find a fake phobia to do it.

Well, what else did she say?

Well, she described what
brief therapy was...

But she wasn't
that brief about it.

Yeah, the therapy is brief but the
description of it can get pretty long.

Yeah, she's a little
long-winded, the woman.

Yeah.

I actually may go
to the center, though,

and take one of their seminars.

Go to Yorba Linda?

Yeah.

Well-what-but-for-
for how long?

Well, it lasts for three weeks.

When?

It always lasts for three weeks.

Yeah but when?
When do you go?

Oh, next month.

Huh. Well, what about me?

Well, Ben, it's only
for therapists.

I don't think
you would fit in there.

Hey, dad, this whole thing
was my discovery.

This is a business trip, Ben.

I-I-i couldn't bring you.

Dad, y'know, if anyone should be
going on a brief therapy trip,

it should be me.

Look, Ben, I thought
you'd be happy

that I was inspired
by one of your ideas.

You know, this is so typical.

The ground-breakers never get
the attention they deserve.

They're always passed over
and then the plagiarists...

Mm-hmm.

They're the ones who get
all the limelight.

Take a look at my fingers, Ben.

Wh-what?

Take a look.
Fingers crossed.

Yeah, I was kidding.
I'm not going anywhere.

They... she's a quack.

What are you talking about?

I heard a quacking
in the background.

Dad, I talked to her.
She's not a quack.

Why did you just...?

She kept talking about mixed
doubles and squash, and...

Well, it might not have been the
best idea... brief therapy, right?

Well, no damage done.

But I don't see why
we can't go to California.

And are we too old
to go to Disneyland?

Umm, parts.

You mean parts of us
are too old?

No, I think you're never too old
to go to Disneyland, right?

Are you writing for
Disneyland now,

like they're not
doing well enough?

I didn't smoke in high school.

I wish I could've,
it looks cool.

But I have asthma.

I couldn't even hang out
with the kids who smoked.

Just had to hang out with all
the other kids who had asthma.

So just a bunch of guys
with their inhalers?

Yup.

That could look
pretty cool, y'know?

Okay.

When I was a kid, we had to
bring our garbage to a dump,

which I liked, 'cause the dump
was a dump when I was a kid.

It was a big hole in the ground.

You go to the edge of the hole,
you wing all your crap in

and yell out the names
of people you hate.

It was very therapeutic.

Now, though, it's a
recycling center.

The whole thing's paved over,
you gotta separate everything.

My dad will not separate
his garbage.

He's always trying to
sneak things in.

He's turned every weekend trip
to the dump

into this covert operation.

We're always trying to smuggle
an old water heater

into the shrubbery-only section.

I go, "Dad, why don't we just
put it where it belongs?"

"Shut up and put your
ski mask on!"

Now I'm, y'know,
gettin' divorced.

I'm looking forward to hanging
out with my single friends now.

You know, 'cause I don't like hanging
out with them when I was married.

They never let me have fun.
I never had a good time.

Y'know, we go to a club,
y'know, a guy comes over,

"Hey can I buy you
a drink?"

They're like,
"No, she's married."

I'm like, yeah I'm married,
but I'm thirsty.

Would you shut the hell up
and let me get my drink?

No, I-I understand.

You know women love free drinks.

I didn't realize that.

Ohh, we love free drinks.

I dunno, they just taste better.

I don't know what it is about a free
drink makes you want another one.

It might be the alcohol.

I remember the good old days,
you just go to your local pub,

y'know, and the bartender would
come over,

"Excuse me, uh, the gentleman
over there in the corner

would like to buy you
a drink."

Y'know, and you'd get your drink

and all you had to do was just
shake it at him.

That was the beautiful thing
about it.

He would keep his ugly ass
way over there.

No, now if a guy
buys you a drink,

he feels like that gives him
the right to stalk you

for the rest of the night.

Right.

Soon as you get the drink,
he's right there in your face.

You know, "Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, mmm.

How you doin', girl?
How you doin'?

Yeah, you can call me
'drink man'.

Yeah, drink man.

What's your name,
what's your name?

Wanda.

Umm, Wanda-danda.

Yeah, I'm wand-rin' how you goin' pay
me back for that drink later on."

Hmm. So meeting men is
difficult for you, Wanda?

It's... y'know what it is?

It... we're on different levels
when it comes to sex.

Men are driven... they're
motivated by sex.

I think that's why there's still
people walkin' around on this earth.

That's very possible.

Yeah. But men still have that
primitive thing in them

where they're like, "Hey,
we gotta make more people,

we gotta make more people, we gotta make
more people, we gotta make more people."

And women are like, y'know,
we're caretakers.

So we're like, "Hey, who the hell are
gonna take care of all these people?

Get off of me. I got people
to take care of."

Right.

And you know what the number one
fantasy for most guys?

No, what is that?

Two women at the same time.
That's what they want.

I think that's a bit lofty
if you ask me.

Yeah.

I mean, 'cause think about it.

If they can't satisfy that
one woman,

why they want to piss off
another one?

It's ambitious.

But maybe some fellas
are great lovers.

Maybe they deserve two women,
maybe they do.

But you know what, I think
they should have to earn it...

It should be earned.

Y'know like in a video game, you get
so many points, you get an extra life?

I think it should be
the same thing with sex.

Y'know, you're doin' such
a great job, she's like,

"Ohh, ohh, I can't take
any more!"

Ding! You get
an extra woman!

Whoops, you know what
the music means, Wanda.

I get an extra woman.

No, no, we're gonna have
to stop. I'm kidding.