06x78 - Expert Witness

[bunniefuu]

Ben, look at this, look...

Look at the front page
of today's paper.

This is what I'm telling
you about, this kid...

Dad, that's page 23.

You folded it over.

Well, when you fold it over
he's on the front page.

This is the kid I was talking
to you about last night, Ben.

He broke and entered

the home of
this elderly couple...

Yeah.

He tied them up...

And wrote all over their walls
using a permanent marker.

It sounds so clear-cut,
but it's suspicious to me.

I've got a strong feeling

that the elderly couple
had something to do with it.

Well, they were home.

And that's asking for it.

And I mean, how do you know

that that couple
didn't provoke him?

Precisely.

I mean, they could've...
That old guy could've said,

"Tie me up, I dare ya." Yeah.

And then the woman was like,

"Yeah, tie me up."

And would that have been the act
of an insane man if he'd complied?

Or was he just cooperative

to a fault?

These are the things
you have to uncover.

Well, Ben, actually
as an expert witness,

all I have to do is
establish the fact that

Roger is either competent
or incompetent to stand trial.

Yeah.

And if I can establish
that he's incompetent...

It's extra.

How did they get you?

I mean, you've never
done this before.

Don't they have those
people, the charlatans

who get paid to do that?

Well, I guess this lawyer felt

he wanted to go
a different route,

and probably the charlatans
were not available.

Mmmm.

What I need to do is,

I need to put him through a
series of psychological tests

and see how he holds up.

Seems such a cold process,
I mean...

It's a business, Ben.

The legal system
is big business.

There's... is there
money exchanged?

Well, there's money exchanged
between the law firm and me.

They're paying me to

lend my time to this case,

to interview Roger,
and to take the stand...

Well then, that seems unfair.
It's inadmissible.

Who cares what you say?
You're getting paid.

Well...

It's like, why don't
they hire an actor?

No, Ben, you d...
You don't understand.

It has nothing to do with...
I'm not offering a biased...

Aw, dad, it's a sham!

It's a crying sham, yeah.
And even I...

How much are you getting paid?

I'm getting paid over
$400 an hour.

- Well, you do it.
- Yeah.

You know, the defense
in this case

is maintaining that this kid,
Roger is his name,

was criminally insane.

Yeah.

You know that's something
that we've yet to es...

That I've yet
to establish for myself,

because I'm going to be
interviewing him later on.

Here?

No, no, I'm gonna
go to the law firm.

Oh.

He's out on bail and I'm gonna go
interview him at the law firm.

Don't make him angry.

What, he's gonna write on me?

Well...
No, no...

What did he write on the walls?

Actually, it was an apology
for breaking and entering.

That sounds pretty sane to me.

See, this is... this is
the issue that most

even psychiatrists and attorneys
can't quite get this right,

is that somebody is
competent to stand trial

mm-hmm.

Means that, in the courtroom,
that they are...

Able to understand
th... wh... th...

It's very confusing.

Whatever, Dr. Katz,
take the money.

But I'm not a lawyer, and
they know I'm not a lawyer.

They just want me
to determine whether...

Whether or not this kid

knew what he was doing
was right or wrong.

But who decides whether or not

you're competent to testify?

Y'know the fact that I'm
a board-certified psychiatrist

is all I need to be.

Really?

Yup.

Do you have any idea
what you're doing?

Well, you know I...

The first time you do
anything, you're bluffing.

Does Roger and the old
people know about this...

Bluffing thing?

No, but they'll figure it out.

It's gonna become
immediately apparent

as soon as I take the stand.

Well, I'm sorry to hear, Jake,

that it's not going well.

It's been kind of a...

I've been having a rough time.

I, uh, I fell in love
with this... woman.

Damn it!

That's how it starts.

Y'know, I'm picking
the wrong women.

I think what I really need

is like a third base coach.

Y'know, someone to give me the

"Whooaa! No, no!
Triple, triple, triple!"

'Cause y'know that feeling

when you're chuggin'
around third

and the catcher has the ball.

Umm...

All my married friends,
they find out I broke up,

and they're like, "Hey, now you can
have sex with whoever you want!"

'Cause they forget.

Once you're married, you think
being single is just,

"You, me!
The closet. Go!"

And uh, I have to
straighten 'em out,

I say, "Yeah, I can have sex
with whoever I want.

Except for...
People I don't know,

and... people who
are in relationships,

and people who
give me the creeps,

and people who I give
the creeps to,

and... men."

So pretty quick, we're down
to my ex-girlfriends.

And then, the only thing
worse than them

are my single guy friends

who always want to cheer me up

by taking me out for a night
with the guys.

Yeah, you don't want that.

We all get each other
all excited.

"Oh, we're going off
with the guys!"

"Yeah, it's a great club,
it's crawlin' with women,

we're all gonna meet
our dream girl,

we're gettin' laid,
wear your good sweater!"

So we get out there,
and we're this pack of guys,

and we have no idea...
We're just in this clump.

And we're scarin' the hell out
of every woman in the place.

I don't know where we got
this plan from, "wild kingdom"?

We would be dangerous,
probably, if we had a plan,

but we don't even have a plan.

We're just out
in this clump like,

"I wonder what it'd be like if
we were talking to them."

"That's the one
I would talk to if I was

gonna talk
to one of 'em."

"What do you think
we should do?"

"Dah... drink more beer!"

All my friends are
trying to cheer me up.

Y'know, this one friend
says to me,

"Hey, you know what?
Dogs are never depressed."

I don't... I have no idea
what he meant by that.

But it kinda
got me thinkin' like,

what kind of advice would
a dog even give you

if he could, y'know?

"Have you tried
lying in the sun...

Until you're reaallly hot.

And then go lie
in the shade?"

Ahh, you guys are
familiar with the case.

It's sort of a...
This kid Roger who

who is the defendant,

right.

Is accused of tying up
an elderly couple...

Ohh, yeah.

...and writing on their walls
with a permanent marker.

I'm not allowed to discuss
the details of this case.

You just did,
what'dya mean ya...

But his phone number, if you
want to ask him directly...



But he claims that
his writing on the walls

was an effort, really
to interpret

what they were trying
to say to him...

The elderly couple
that he had tied up.

What did he write?

The first thing he wrote was,

"Mmmmmm mmm mmm
mmmmm mmmm..."

Aww, you know,
you are really sick!

Yeah.

So why wouldn't you rather be

on the other side of this?

On the side of good?

I'm not on one side
or the other.

I'm on the side
of the truth, Judy.

Uh, who's Judy?

Thank you, doctor,
I'm very, very happy

that you could see me
this morning.

Well, I'm glad you made the call

and I'm glad...
Thank you, thank you.

You didn't call me at home,
I appreciate that.

I'm just, uh,
having a little trouble...

Breathing right now, but...

I'm just so unhappy.

I really, like, I couldn't
sleep this morning

and I got up at about...
About 4 o'clock in the morning.

And I tried to have breakfast...

'Cause you said that I should
really try to have breakfast,

but I couldn't really do that
'cause I was gonna throw up.

Oh... so, what do you think
is going on, Bob?

I can't remember what it is.

I'm sure I... let me
see if I can help.

I'm sure it's just
on the tip of my tongue,

it's like so stupid,
'cause it's, y'know...

I'm just looking
through my notes here, Bob.

Does it have to do
with your wife?

I have no idea.

Can I cry?

Would that
be alright if I cried?

Well, according to my notes,
crying is okay.

'Cause maybe it'll...

Here let me get some...

No, I don't think
I have any tissues.

You can use some of this
thermal fax paper.

I think it's coming

because I think if
I concentrate on the pain...

Mmm-mm no, it's not
coming, though.

So you have no idea
what's going on.

I have one thought.

Okay.

My wife said something about
wanting to get a divorce...

Before I went to bed last night.

I think that's probably it.

I'm sure that's what
prompted the call

and I'm sure that's
the source of this...

Pain that you're in right now.

But she wasn't saying
she was like,

depressed, or upset or anything.

She was saying she'd
really been thinking about it

and she gave me kind of a letter

that she'd been working on...

So, she had formalized her
thoughts on the subject.

Well, yeah, and she had
our lawyers kinda...

Kinda had some thoughts
on the letter about it...

'Cause she wanted to
talk about, the separation...

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura.

Hi, Ben.

- How are ya?
- Fine.

Good.

So...
What's up?

You must've heard,
my dad's famous.

He is?

Yeah.

For what?

He just got hired to do a trial.

Well, I know about that.

Yeah, he's being asked
to do trials.

That's huge.
I'm very excited, here.

What are you, his agent?

Well...
I'm thinkin' about it.

Y'know, he could do...
This is just the start.

He gets called for one trial
and then, y'know...

Could be a whole new
business for him.

These guys make a lot of money,
the people who do trials.

Yeah, I know.

I mean my dad's making
a lot of money on this one.

I know.

This one leads to the next one,
and then the next one,

and then he does them
all the time,

and he makes a lot of money.

I mean my dad,

this is my dad's turn to shine.

Mmmm.

And I'm pretty proud
of the old guy actually.

Mm-huh.

I mean the guy over the whole
course of his whole career

has pretty much been ignored.

Nobody's even noticed
he's a psychiatrist or...

He's never really
been in the paper.

He's never done
anything important.

I mean he's this guy who just

who waddles off to
work every day,

then waddles home,
cooks me a frozen dinner.

I mean it's a sad life.

What I find really
troubling is that

it's taken you almost 40 minutes

to get to the point
where you realize

that this is what's propelled
you into my office.

But it... eh,
I'm not sure.

Mm-hmm.

I think there may be
something else.

Do you have any idea
what it might be?

I don't really remember,
I think I got a phone call

in the afternoon, y'know,
like one of those things

where you're talking
really quickly and you're...

Do you ever do that?
Where you put somebody on hold,

and somebody says something

and then you have
somebody else on hold

and you say,
"I'll call you right back,"

but then you completely forget
to call them back?

And I think, I have a feeling
it may be that thing.

Mm-hmm.

So you think that

something significant
happened and you just...

Oh, I remembered what it was.

My cousin committed su1c1de
yesterday.

Ohh!
That's terrible.

Ben, do you know how many
psychiatrists do courtroom trials?

There's like a million.

Well, Laura, do you know how many
people live in this country?

Ben, psychiatrists who testify
in court are not respected.

I mean, the more
that they do it,

the less respect they get.

Really?

Well, yeah, because they
get paid a lot of money.

The more money you have
the more respect you get,

right?

No.

Famous people
are respected, Laura.

And I'll tell you
something else...

Ben, he's not famous.

He will be after the trial.

He's gonna be on the local
news, I guarantee that.

I doubt it.

I called in an anonymous tip.

Often, Bob, when you lose
someone who is close to you...

You go through
a period of shock,

and then of remorse,

then shock again.

It's an important
process to go through...

The grieving process.

And I'd be glad to help you
through it in any way I can.

Yeah, but that
wasn't it, though.

That was not the thing.

'Cause that did happen
and that was a thing.

Did somebody else call?

I don't know if
it was a phone call.

Maybe I read it in the paper.

It's something to do...

I think it has something to do
with my business.

I think it's a business thing.

I don't know.

Could you ask me questions?

Could you pretend that
you're my wife,

but could you
not call me "Sweetie"?

Okay.

How was your day?

It was okay.

Did you really have a good day?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I think something happened.

What happened...
Honey?

I got a call from the bank.

That's what it was,
I got a call from the bank.

My broker called me and,
the bank had to call too,

and they both had to be
on the phone with me,

'cause I lost about like...
Oh my god.

You lost some money?

Yeah, I lost a lot of money.

Well, that's terrible.

Yeah.

Well, thank god
we don't have kids.

Oh, wait, we have kids.

Hey, Todd?

Hey, what's up, man?

What's up?

What's going on, man?

Did you read
that thing about the, uh,

the big case in the paper?

Oh yeah, the thing
with the mailbox?

No, no, no.

Oh... the one
with the grapes?

No, no, no.

I saw that one,
not the grapes one.

That was awful.

Which case you talking about?

The magic markers
and the old people.

Oh yeah, I read about that one.

Oh you did read that?

That was weird, huh?

Yeah.

But you know what, my dad...

Was called to give testimony.

Oh, like an expert witness?

Like an expert witness, yeah.

'Cause he's a psychiatrist,

and they think the guy
who did it is crazy.

So they want to get him off
on an insanity plea...

Is what they call it.

Oh, so your dad's like
this hired g*n now?

It's not the old west.

Your dad's a professional g*n.

No, he's not a g*n.
He's a... a doctor.

I mean, it's gotta be a
little bit lucrative, y'know.

Yeah, it's like,


Really?

How much do you make an hour?

Substantially less than 400.

Give me a number.

My salary's private.

Oh, don't be like that.

Money issues are private.

Alright. I just told you
what my...

I guess unless you're
making 400 bucks an hour,

then ooh somehow that gets
into the conversation.

Y'know, Ben, if forensic...

What I'm involved in is
called "forensic medicine"...

And it's where the medical world

and the legal world intersect.

Whew, dad.

Yeah.

You know how to bore.

Did you read a book
on the subject?

I-I read
a book called...

Called "How to bore a jury"?

No, it's called "Psychiatrist
as expert witness".

I read that book

and I wrote two books
just like it.

No seriously, Ben,
this is a high-profile case,

and if it goes well,
I stand to make...

It could generate other work.

You know what?

I first thought that
was a good thing, dad,

but now I think that maybe
you shouldn't do it.

Now why is that?

I just think that
your selling yourself out.

I'm not selling out.

I mean, if they didn't hire me,

they'd hire somebody else.

Well, but that doesn't
make it right.

Y'know, I mean, the fact is

that you should make a point.

On principle,
you say, "no."

That your services
are not for hire.

Oh, wait a minute,
what about your patients?

They pay, right?

Yeah, but this is somebody
who's buying my point of view.

Well, I know.
That's the point.

I mean, I think that's
what's wrong about it.

That's why I made it very clear
to the law firm

that my testimony
is gonna be based

on my objective interview
with Roger.

But let's say you...

Don't believe
he's criminally insane

after you meet with him.

Right.

That's when you'll get fired.

I'll tell them
what I'm going to say

but I'll tell them on the stand.

But if you tell them
the honest truth

and the truth is
that Roger is not insane

that he's perfectly
capable of standing trial,

they'll say, "Thank you
for your time"...

Those are two
different issues, Ben.

I'm trying to explain
this to you.

There's competency
to stand trial

which means that he can
understand the proceedings...

Here we go with the bore again.

My neighbor just came home
with her dog

with that plastic cone
on his head?

Did you ever see the dog
when he comes home

with that plastic cone?

And they always look at you,
like, "What happened?"

And you have to tell them,

"Well, you're the one who
wouldn't leave his ass alone.

I tried to warn you.

Tried puttin' that
bad-tasting salve on there."

I think that salve is really
just a practical joke

the vet is having with you.

I don't even think it has
anything to do with the dog.

It's just, "Here,
rub this on his ass."

"Well... alright."

"Twice a day!"

"Aww!"

I mean, I feel like
it's gotta be a racket

once you find out how it's
supposed to work, right,

you know what
I'm talkin' about, right?

That salve?

You put it on the dog's
stitches, or his butt.

It's supposed to keep him
from licking, right?

The vet says he won't
lick the salve

because the salve
tastes bad to the dog.

Hello?

He's already licking his ass!

What could that salve
possibly taste like?

Worse than ass flavor?

Our brains are not big enough
to imagine a flavor like that!

No matter how it tastes,
the dog's gotta be thinkin'

"Well, you can still kinda taste
the ass through it a little bit.

It's not that bad."

Roger, hi.

Hi.

Smoke?

Sure.

I actually don't think
we can smoke in here.

Y'know, you see so many
movies about convicts

and all they want
is a cigarette.

That's alright, no thanks.

So, just a few things that you
should know before we get started

is that... although
I'm a therapist

I'm not here today
as your treater.

I did it.

Well, first of all
let's backtrack a little

'cause there are things
I need to tell you.

Okay.

I have been retained by the
firm that's defending you

but you need to know that
anything you say to me

can be used in a court of law,

it can be used in a deposition,

it can become
part of a folk tale.

Uh-huh.

Also you need to know
that if at any point

you need to um, urinate...

During?

I don't... during...
During what?

I don't know...
During the trial.

No, I mean during
this interview.

Oh.

Hey, let me ask you
something, Roger.

And, this is uh...
Do you know...?

And this is really what is
at the core of this trial...

The difference between
right and wrong?

And, do you have a favorite one?

Hey, Ben, I'm sorry if I've
been a little distracted...

Well, the case is taking up
a lot of your time, dad.

Well, y'know, this is
my first time doing this

and I feel like I...

I wouldn't
over-research it.

There's a point where you have
to just stop and go do it.

I know, and that...

We're getting to that point,

but I'm being scrutinized by...

I say you're going
a little too far.

Why is that?

How many times are you gonna
read the constitution?

You made your point.

You pick it up,
you can't put it down.

Mmmm... it's gonna be an
exciting case, actually.

You'll be sure to
get me a ticket, right?

No, actually this is
not open to the public.

This is a closed hearing, Ben.

Dad, all courts are
open to the public.

Not this one.

You're lying, aren't you?

No, I'm serious.

'Cause you don't want me to go.

I-I'd love
for you to come.

It says right here, "Nooo...
Ben can't come in."

So are you gonna...
Are you nervous, or...?

I-I-I'm feeling
a little nervous.

I'd like to show...

Can I show you what
I have in mind to wear?

Because the jury,

according to everything
I've read, is really...

Every little thing matters

when you're up there
on the stand.

This is "a".
What do you think?

I don't love it.

Okay, let me get "b".
Hold on one second.

This is "b".

Mmm. I think, umm,
you're going for uh...

It's too strong.

Well, a lot of therapists

try and dress
like lawyers, and...

You don't wanna look slick.

That's right.

You don't want
to look too slick,

because that can
translate as "smarmy".

But you also don't want
to look too casual

because that can read
as disrespect for the court.

Don't wear a tux.

No.

And umm, don't
dress like a pimp.

And definitely don't wear

the "I'm representing
stupid" t-shirt...

With an arrow.

Why don't you wear what you
would normally wear every day?

Don't make a big
issue out of it.

Well, actually what ed
said was that what I wear

could have a real
impact on the jury.

Well don't listen to Ed.

Who's Ed?

Mmm... Ed is the guy
who hired me.

He's the head of
the defense team.

Well, you should
call Ed and make sure

he's not wearing the same
thing you're wearing.

That would be embarrassing.

What if the whole defense team

was wearing the same outfit?

What's really important is
what Roger's wearing

because he's gonna
be wearing that

for a long, long time.

Dad, how did it go?

I think it went well,
I think I...

Well, what did you say?

Well, I was asked if Roger
is competent to stand trial

and I said "no".

Yeah, and then what?

And then they said
"case dismissed."

You said one word?

It wasn't just that
I said one word

it was the word I said.

And also the fact that I brought

several years of
training to that word.

Well, dad, you've always
been a master of brevity.

My feeling was, the longer
I stayed up there...

Well, I guess I am
getting paid by the hour...

Thanks a lot, you just
lost us 400 bucks.

With your
one-word answer.

What happened to Roger?

He's coming over tonight,
actually, we're having a...

A little
tie-up party?

No, Roger, he couldn't
have been happier.

Yeah, well, I mean,
what happened?

Well, he's gonna spend some time

in a maximum security
mental facility.

They found him insane.

I presented a case that he...

Not only wasn't he
competent to stand trial,

he wasn't available that day.

Dad!

I'm sorry.

Was the elderly couple there?

The elderly couple was there.

And they made a very emotional
plea for his freedom.

Oh, really?
They supported him.

They supported him, they said,

"If you're ever
in the neighborhood

we'd love to
have you over..."

Dad, congratulations.

Thank you.

Well, I'd love to read your
transcript, when it says,

"Dr. Katz, expert witness,"
in quotes, "No."

I just... I'm never gonna
figure out women, y'know?

And they're never gonna
figure us out.

That's kind of an
empty victory for us.

I mean, I feel like I will
never understand women

because they're kind of
mysterious and magical

and they will never
understand us

because... they can't
handle the truth.

My friend just came up
to me the other day

and she was all freaked out,

she's like, "Jake,
I don't understand.

How could a man want to
have sex with a plastic doll!?"

And I said back to her,

"Well... it's not
plan 'a'."

And, y'know, those things...

If you take the cumulative
effect of those things, Bob,

there's the divorce,
there's the su1c1de...

Mmm, but you
wanna know something?

Yeah.

I have a feeling it may be...

I have another issue, I think.

Um, I have to remember
to send fruit.

That's very important...

Well, is it about the money?

It... I think that's
not the actual issue

although it probably
is like an adjunct issue.

But I'm not sure that
that's the core thing.

It's kind of coming
back to me now...

Well, you know what
the music means, Bob.

We're gonna have to stop.

I just have one more thing
I wanted to talk about

if I could just bring it up
very, very quickly.

- I'm sorry.
- Okay.

We're gonna have to stop now,
because of the music.

Um, would you do me
a favor, though?

What's that?

If you would just jot down
very quickly,

bring it up next week,
if you could mention,

uh, "brain tumor".

Okay, brain tumor.