06x80 - Uncle Nothing

[bunniefuu]

We should try
something new tonight.

I feel like uh...
We're in a rut.

Y'know, maybe tonight,
we just don't go out.

Monday night, we'll switch it up

and we'll make it
"eat-in" night.

Mmm...

I don't like to mess with

the rhythm of the week,
like that, y'know?

I really look forward
to eating at a restaurant

every Monday night, with my son

y'know, because
we're not distracted

the way we are at home
when we have dinner.

We're usually sitting
in front of the TV.

Yeah.

Why don't we... you know what,
why don't we decide later.

I'll meet you at the bar.

At which bar?

At your bar.

Well, that's probably not
a good idea because...

Why?

I don't know, Ben, it just
makes me a little uncomfortable.

But I'll meet you near the bar.

Why can't I go to the bar?

Well...

It just seems like that
would be a good place

and restaurants are near,

there are restaurants near...

No, it just seems like uh, like
it's a little out of your way.

Y'know, dad, I've been to
bars before, you know that.

Fine, so we'll meet at the bar.

Okay.

What's the big deal.

Yeah.

I'll meet you out front.

Good morning, Laura.

Good morning.

What happened to your finger?

Mmm, what are you talking about?

There's an enormous ring
on your finger, Laura.

That looks almost like
an engagement ring.

Well, yeah, I got
engaged over the weekend.

You're kidding me.

Mm-mmm.

I didn't even realize
that you were going steady.

Yeah, me either.

Well, Laura, this is
wonderful news.

Can I give you a big hug?

Well it's...

Come here, you.

Mmm... can you
let go now?

Oops, sorry.

Um, so tell me, tell me
a little something about him.

What's his name?

Um, Hans.

And, and what does he do, Hans?

Well, he's in a band.

And then he works
in a book store.

Well that's great, Laura.

I really, I-I,
I am so happy for you.

To have a partner in life
is such a wonderful thing.

Do you like his band?

Not really.

Do you like Hans?

Well, I guess so.

I have a good feeling
about this.

Someone asked me recently
how I would describe myself

in two words.

And I would say that
if I had only two words,

I would say "big fairy".

I'm a big fairy and a lot of
people don't know that about me.

And it's not, I'm not
trying to say that I'm gay

or that I'm afraid to fight,

that's not what I mean
by "big fairy".

Right.

I mean that I'm, I'm magical.

Mm-hmm.

I'm a magical fairy...
And I'm a big fairy

'cause most fairies are
little, you know, with wings.

I'm a big damn fairy, man

I'll magic your ass out of here

if you don't watch it.

You know when you're waiting
in line for a long time

and you just pick someone
to start looking at

and to just start forming an
opinion on with no information?

Mm-hmm.

It's never nice, you know?

You never think, "Hey that looks
like a pleasant fellow."

You're always looking going,
"Eh, look at his shoes.

What a d*ck.

God, wh-
with his briefcase.

What a jerk with his briefcase.

What is that a wig?

I hate that guy.

What a prick,
god, I hate him."

And the whole time they're
just standing there, uh,

they have no idea that
you're just standing there

boiling with hatred, you know?

And in ten seconds you get your
change, you forget they exist.

I think that's the part
that's so cruel.

Hi, is this the bar?

Uh, yeah.

So you must be the uh, "keep".

Yup, I'm the "keep".

Keep.

Yeah, what can I get ya?

I guess, um, I will have a um,
wh-whadya got, um?

Well, I don't know, look around,

we, pretty much whatever...
Do you want...

You know what, I'm gonna have
something alcoholic,

that's what I'm gonna do.

I will have a um, I guess
I'll have a Brandy.

A Brandy.

Yeah.

Okay, could I see some ID?

All right.

You're not the Ben Katz?

The son of
Dr. Jonathan Katz?

Um, wh-why?

He's a friend of mine.

He comes in here all the time.

My dad.

Yes, I am.

So you are Ben?

Yeah, I'm Ben.

Oh my gosh!

Yeah, and you're Julie.

That's right.

I was playing it cool, I didn't
wanna, y'know make it like...

Oh my gosh!

I knew who you were

but my dad, y'know
has mentioned you.

Oh, okay, all right.

Yeah.

I'm just surprised and
pleasantly surprised

to see you here and
okay, here you go.

Thanks.

Do you want some water
on the side for that?

I really didn't mean to order
Brandy, I just kind of panicked.

Oh, do you want me to
get you something else?

Well, I guess I'll have a,
just a soda or something.

Yeah?

Okay, okay.

So what is my dad like
when he's here.

Is there like any good stories,

like, about him
taking off his clothes or...

No, no, no.

He doesn't do that.

Does my dad talk about me
at all, or is it...

Oh, that's what he
always talks about.

Really?

Yeah!

Is it the like, neg-
the negative

or is it mostly positive?

It's funny.

Funny.

You know, "Ben stories",
they're, they're funny.

Ha! Funny.

This really bothered me...

The other day I was um,
walking down the street

and these French people
walked up to me.

Mm-hmm.

And they asked me
for directions...

Right.

I think.

It was amazing because they
just asked totally in French.

They didn't even
do like, a little

"Uh, how do you say"
or something like that.

They just walk up to me
and one of 'em just goes

and I was like,
"uh, I don't speak French."

And he's like,

and I was like, "Look I'm not
gonna learn to speak French

while I'm talking to you.

And because we're not in France

it's not weird that I don't
speak French."

And he's like,
he couldn't believe it

and his friend's like, ...

and he goes, ...

So I said,
"Oh,!"

...I mean, you just have to
take out an ad in the paper

and say, "Therapist,
please call this number."

I know...

Excuse me, one second...

Oh my gosh!

I'm sorry, Julie, you must get
that all the time, though.

No, I re...

- People sneezing all over you.
- Nonsense.

People are disgusting, you know?

Hey, Ben.

Dad!

You've met, I take it,
you've met Julie.

Yeah, we were just talking.

Julie, you've met Ben.

Oh yeah.

I got here a little early.

I showed up a little early.

I have to tell you, this is a
little weird, y'know. What?

Seeing the two of you together
after all these years.

It's great, I think.

So, Ben, why don't you
summarize your points.

Mm-hmm.

And thank Julie
for a lovely evening

and we should go
get something to eat

because I am-I am
so hungry I could...

You guys could eat here.

I would love to eat here.

Well, well...

Why not?
I mean we're here.

I mean, I know
you have appetizers

but can you actually
get a meal here?

Oh yeah, oh yeah!

You've never eaten here, dad?

He's eaten here, he knows that.

Let's just eat here, dad.

Okay, can we get a table, Julie?

Let's eat right here
at the bar with like uh...

No, I just need to
talk to you privately, Ben.

You're not gonna
fire me, are you, dad?

I can't fire you, Ben,
you're my son.

Well, I mean I'm just saying

it's odd the way you're
talking like you're gonna...

Well I have some news
and I'd rather you

had a chance to
respond over there.

I do have some uh, some good
news and some bad news, Ben.

It doesn't sound good, what?

The good news is that...

Well, let's come back
to the good news.

Let me tell you the bad news.

The bad news is,
Laura's getting married.

La-la, Laura.

Laura.

She got engaged this weekend
and she's getting married.

No, she's not.

Really?

Yup.

Who's she getting married to?

Some guy she's been
going out with

who plays in a band,
works in a bookstore.

I didn't know she was going out
with a-with a guy at all.

Yeah, I had no idea myself

but this weekend they
got engaged to be married.

Are you all right?

Dad, what are you kidding?

I just thought you would be
upset to hear that.

That Laura's getting married?

Yeah.

Dad, that's great.

That's great news that
Laura's getting married.

Of course, why wouldn't a woman

in her position
at her age get married.

Of course, that's
what's gonna happen, right?

That's what you do in your life

you reach an age
and you get married.

I'm just surprised
that you're not

demonstrating any kind of
emotional response.

It's fine, that's great,
I'm very happy for...

Julie!

What?

Are you okay,
do you need something?

Sorry, sorry for uh, yelling.

Could I get a uh, uh...

Do you have zima?

We should never eat
at the bar again.

Well, it's not like
it's a bar and grill.

Yeah.

That's the first giveaway,
it's just a bar.

A lot of bars, though
have good food.

Yeah, that's not one of them.

Yeah.

So how'd you sleep
last night, Ben?

It was okay, I was a little...

I think I had a little
too much to drink last night.

There's a point, dad,
when you should say stop.

Well, y'know, I know that
last night was not easy for you

and I really didn't want to
inhibit you in any way.

What do you mean "easy for me"?

Just emotionally it was
a difficult night.

Why, because you and me
went to the bar together?

No, because uh,
Laura announced her...

Dad, I would, I was
just joshing about that,

I could care less
Laura's getting married.

Well...

I mean let her do what
she wants, she's an adult.

I wanna tell you
something about emotions, Ben.

Is that, like the
waves of the ocean...

Mm-mmm.

Emotions just roll over you.

Wow, you're a great
therapist, dad.

You should just put therapy
on a greeting card

and uh, sell them to your
patients and say,

"You don't have to come here
any more, just read this card."

Ben, I know it sounds corny,
but it's true.

Your feelings...

Mm-hmm.

They're things that are
out of your control.

And sometimes you are
the last to know...

One, is the last to know about
how they feel about something.

Right, so you're saying that
I'm denying my true feelings.

I should respond to the...

No, sometimes denial's
a healthy thing.

Uh, dad what are you saying?

I mean, what's the
point of this?

We deny things to
protect ourselves.

Dad, I told you I'm not denying.

I don't feel bad about it.

I think Laura should get married
to whoever she wants.

Okay, Ben, you have it your way,

but all I'm saying is
you're lying to yourself.

I'll tell you
another thing, though,

I hope the guy that
Laura is engaged to dies...

Today.

See now, I think that's...

I hope he dies today.

That's all.

But god bless her.

And I hope she's happy.

In Iowa they, y'know, for fun...

Because they don't have
a lot of people out there

so they play with
animals more, I think.

I was out there and the guy
said they "cow tip".

Mm-hmm.

The guy explained it to me

he said, they,
the cows sleep standing up

so these kids get drunk then
they push over the sleeping cow.

Then they run from the cow like
the cow's gonna chase them.

But I'm thinking, maybe the cows don't
even care when you push them over.

They're sleeping standing up so
maybe when you knock them over,

the cow's like, "Uh-ba, uh-ba,
oh this is much better!"

Dr. Katz' office.

Laura!
It's Ben.

Yeah.

How are ya?

Great.

Hey uh, I heard the news.

Oh, you did?

I'm uh, we are thrilled.

Who's we?

We... me and
the whole Katz clan.

Well, thank you.

Well, you're welcome.

I mean I just wanted to
call and congratulate you

on uh, taking the big step.

I mean, I can't say
I was surprised.

I mean, I knew it was coming.

Really?

Yeah, I mean you can
see the signs.

You can?

I have been hearing it in your
voice for a long time, Laura.

Hmm.

It was like a
self-satisfied lisp...

But sexy.

Uh.

That's why I don't have sympathy for
these, like, guys you see on TV

who can't get out of their house
'cause they're too fat.

Mm-hmm.

Everybody else, I think is like,
"Oh, that's too bad."

How do you get so fat...

You can't get out of
your own house?

Don't you see that coming?

What if you have a job
and you're too fat.

What do you do
call in fat for work?

You don't wanna do that.

Right.

Boss, I won't be
coming in today.

Well, you know
how I'm really fat?

I'm fatter today.

And I can't get out
of my own house.

Are you okay?

What do you mean?

You're not upset or anything?

That you got engaged?

It's a celebration, Laura.

Wow.

You know, wh-why
would I be unhappy

about you doing
something important?

Wow, well that's great to hear.

And I heard about the guy, Hans.

That's a great name.

Yeah.

And he's in a band, I hear.

Yup.

And he works in
a bookstore, I hear.

Mm-hmm.

These are all great things!

You're making me
a little bit nervous.

Well, Laura, look,
when I heard the news...

Yeah?

I couldn't have been happier.

Really?

You should have seen me.

I had a big smile.

I mean, I was like, elated.

And when I come in
I'll show you the face I made.

Did you want to talk your dad?

Ha ha.

You were telling me
that before you came here

you were seeing
another therapist.

Oh yeah.

I saw this other guy and I
didn't like him because uh...

Well, like one time I went in
and I was talking to him

and I told him how I really
love to pig out sometimes,

even when I'm
not hungry, you know?

Like when you
try not to eat bad things

but then you decide,
"I'm gonna eat something bad."

Then you go out
and look for something.

You're like, "I'm gonna find
something and eat it!"

And I was describing to this
other psychiatrist

how I would eat candy bars
like, five at a time,

and I would just get sick.

And then I'd just lay there
feeling sick.

And I'd just be laying there...
And I described this to him

and he says to me, he goes,

"Why would you do that?"

Yeah.

"Why would you eat candy
when you don't even want it?

I don't understand."

And I was like, "What do you
mean you don't understand?"

You're a psychiat-chiatrist
guy.

What the hell you saying
you don't understand?

If you have a patient
and tells you

something that they do that's
bad for them you can't just go,

"What are you weird?
Don't do that, that's weird."

Oh so, oh I get it
so you're upset

because she's
not engaged to you.

Well, I mean, I didn't propose.

Oh.

Apparently anybody could.

You snooze you lose, man.

Well, I just didn't
think to propose

I thought-I thought it
would be premature.

I didn't know there was
some sort of timetable,

I just thought like, eventually
it's gonna happen.

Right.

And then some, some
loser rock 'n' roll guy

who works part-time
at a bookstore, just jumps in...

If you had it to do over again,
would you have proposed to her

if you knew this guy
was gonna propose to her?

Oh, if I knew this guy
was gonna step in, then...

Step in, yeah.

And steal the thunder,

I, yeah, I would have done
something about it.

Have they set a date for
the uh, for the uh, wedding?

Well, I mean, she didn't
really talk about it.

She wa... y'know,
she was being very coy.

Whatever that date is,
you have until about a week

before that day, to turn
the whole thing around.

Wait, so you think
there's a chance

maybe if I,
if I act now I can...

Yeah, you could do
something really passionate

and just sort of...

Well, what's like,
really passionate?

You go into... I'll tell
you what you do,

you go into
that office tomorrow...

Yeah.

And you say, uh, "Laura,
you are making a mistake."

Right, but I mean...

"And if I let you
make that mistake

I'll feel like I'm
making a mistake."

Yeah, but, what if I'm
making a mistake by doing that.

You gotta go for her.

You think so.

You think that I would,
I would live...

Just do it, you're
gonna feel so good

if you do this.

So I should make it clear,
my-my feelings.

Right.

Yeah, but what if
she just like um...

No "what ifs".

There are no "what ifs".

Man, you are like Patton,

you know, you can
fire up the troops.

You could...

I mean I'm gonna
go over there now

and I'm gonna,
I'll tell her how I feel.

Right.

And that she's lost
and she's young

and she's being plucked up by
some ideal of what's cool

and what's right to do with
some rock 'n' roll guy and...

Well you know, Ben...

And I'm here to say, "Look, I've
lived through that, baby."

Yeah.
I've done it all.

Yeah.

I've gotta learn how
to play an instrument.

That's all there is to it.

That was gonna be
my next suggestion.

Laura, I noticed that uh,

you're not wearing your
engagement ring,

what's going on?

Oh, I had to take it off
'cause it was too small.

It was like cutting off the
circulation in my finger.

Mm-hmm.

I also called off
the engagement.

You're kidding me.

No.

You called it off.

Yeah.

It must have been like an
emotional roller coaster,

the last few days.

Yeah.

But you seem to be
weathering the storm.

Yeah, I feel, I feel good.

Yeah...
You look good.

The color's coming back
in your finger.

It's almost worth it.

Yeah.

Y'know, I was really surprised
at how Ben took it, I mean...

I know it really... he took me
by uh, by surprise too.

It was like he
decided to be mature

and he really stuck to it.

Yeah he...
He bit the b*llet.

I think we, we forget...

I certainly tend to
forget from time to time

just how mature he is and
how he is capable of acting...

Laura!

Hi, Ben.

Hey, dad.

We were just talking about you.

That's fine... Laura!

These are for you.

I couldn't afford the roses,
so I bought these.

These are candies,
they are not chocolates.

I couldn't afford them
but they are jellybeans.

They are not heart-shaped
because I could not find

jellybeans that were in a
heart-shaped container.

And then I got you this,
it is a uh,

well, I don't know exactly
what kind of animal it is.

Now don't marry
that idiot, okay?

There, I said it.

Okay.

Now wait a sec, Laura!

I did a lot of thinking
when I ran up here.

And I think you are making
the wrong decision, all right.

Laura, look at me.

Yeah.

Ben, what happened to your...

Wait a minute!

What happened to your pants?

I ripped my pants, okay.

Look at my shirt,
it's buttoned wrong.

I can't even
think straight anymore.

Hey, Ben, there's something
you should know.

Dad, I'm trying... I'm in the
middle of this, I'm...

I know, I know.

I'm opening myself up.

I understand but
Laura gave me some news

a few minutes ago that
I think you should know.

Well before you say that, dad,

let me say my
piece here, alright?

Laura...

You look me in the eye
and tell me

you don't love this guy.

I don't love this guy.

You don't?

No, I called off the engagement.

Really?
You did.

Yeah.

It's a good um,
it's a good choice.

Nice...
Nicely done.

Yeah.

I uh, dad, anything?

Well I didn't anticipate you
to come in like that.

Well I didn't think
I was gonna either

but I got carried away.

No damage done.

No, no I guess not,
you guys uh, carry on.

Okay.

I will uh...

I'll see you back at the house.

Back out slowly.

Laura, good to see you.

Yeah.

And uh, good on the no marriage.

Very nice.

I'm in an elevator and a guy uh,

he wants me to
hold the elevator for him

but I have it by myself, y'know,

and that's like a
great thing in the city

to have a little privacy...

But the guy's running
for the elevator

and wants me to hold it,

he's like, "Hold the elevator,
hold the elevator"

so I just stared
straight ahead...

Like don't make eye contact
that's the key, in these things.

But the guy's like
running really fast

and just before it closes
he sticks his arm through

and then the door opens
automatically,

he gets on with me it's just me
and him and I'm like, "ha ha ha".

Then I pretended I was paralyzed

and like, "Hey could you
hit '7' for me?"

And I was like
banging my head on the wall

where the numbers were.

And then I lifted up my foot
to shake his hand.

I'm like, "Hi, I'm Kevin,
how are you?"

I always have this fantasy
of uh, of-of spending my life

building a huge career
that builds into being

president or something.

Like if I could be president and spend
my whole life getting to that day

and then just blow it all
in one sentence.

'Cause whenever I see those
guys up here I think,

"How could you resist not just
throwing it all away, y'know?"

Mm-hmm.

It's your inauguration.

And they say, "Do you swear to uphold the
constitution to the best of your ability"

and just go, "No...

No, I don't.

I don't swear it."

And see how long, like how long
could you keep the thing going.

The chief justice
would go "What?"

"What do you mean
you don't?"

"No...
You're old, duh."

And you're the president and
everyone's going,

"Oh, can't believe it."

But then if you just kept
dancing around the stage,

people would stay and they'd wait
for you to regain your senses.

You know?

Like, how long... it would at
least be a couple hours

that you could just walk around

like flipping people's hats off

and going "eh", and like show
your ass or something.

If you actually, like
showed your ass

then they'd put you...
You know some...

I don't know, I dunno, see
this will never be tested.

Whoops, you know what
the music means, Louis,

our time is up,
we're gonna have to stop.

You know what
I hate, Dr. Katz...

I wish that, I try to
be careful not to be talking

about anything important when
you tell me that our time is up

'cause you just
snap out of it so fast

you just go, "I'm sorry
the time's up" and uh,

but the second before you
looked so concerned

and the whole time
you're just thinking

"5-4-3-2-1"!