06x81 - Lerapy

[bunniefuu]

What is going on with you?

You seem, I don't know wh...
I can't find the word.

I think I'm angry.

Angry?

Yeah, I'm an angry person.

Which people don't get, from TV,
I seem very friendly

but that's just a mask
that I put on.

Well, many people have
taken their anger

and turned that anger
into good things.

I can't think of an example...

Uh, mother Teresa.

Hmm.

She just used her anger
and sort of came up with

this whole, "I should
be a saint" thing.

Well.

It is constructive, I think,

I use the anger for good things,

I'm just trying to find
the source of the anger.

The anger that you're
describing, Conan...

It seems to me that your relationships
with women, in particular

are often the victim
of that anger.

Yeah.

And uh, I think
a lot of it has to do

with my situation growing up.

Well, please,

let's not open
that can of worms.

What?

I'm sorry, that was just a joke.

See, I believe in injecting
a little levity into therapy.

Uh, sure, yeah, I guess.

I call it "lerapy."

Oh, yeah, that's pretty funny.

It's not a big joke,
it's just a little thing.

No, that's... y'know,
that's not bad.

Um.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize
this was a comedy house.

Is that what you call it?

Y'know, if I could
stop, I would.

I apologize.

Well, you're a machine.

It's like asking
the Terminator not to k*ll.

Thank you for noticing.

Yeah, I would like to feel that at
least one of us is taking me seriously

and my preference there
would be you.

I do take you seriously.

Seriously.

Well, that, that's good.

I'm counting, you're
eight for eight, so far.

Thank you.

Do you feel like you're in the
zone right now like, every...

I'm sorry.

Okay, is there a
drink minimum in here?

Ladies and gentlemen, we've got
a terrific show for you today.

We've got a lot of
fun stuff planned.

To be frank though, I'm feeling
a little strange,

I'm in kind of a weird mood.

I saw my therapist today and I-I started
talking to him about my childhood,

and he said, "Please, let's not
open that can of worms."

Ha ha ha!

Huh.

Wow, that's pretty good.

Therapist, that's excellent.

I like that.

How come you don't
tell jokes like that?

I'm, I'm working on it.

Oh my goodness.

You actually thought
it was funny.

What part did you like?

What part...
The funny part.

Yeah, I can't really dissect.

So you obviously didn't
think it was funny.

I do think it's funny.

But it's also quite brilliant.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Y'know, like all good jokes,
it sort of cuts to the issue.

- Uh-huh.
- Right.

Hey, Julie, is he sounding
like, weird to you?

Just a...
Well, yeah.

Is this better?

So I'm talking to, uh,
Stanley and Julie

and TV's on in the background.

Sure enough, there is
Conan O'Brien doing a joke

that I made in session with him.

Really?

Verbatim.

So he did a joke you told
to him in the session.

Yeah.

How come you're telling
jokes to people in...

That's a whole other issue.

Are you sure you're not mistaken

that maybe he just
did the setup and...

No, Ben.

I, I think you should be happy.

Well, if I was a
professional joke writer

and I had submitted the joke
to him, I would be happy...

Oh, you wanna get paid.

It's not the money,
it's the recognition.

Because besides you,
I can't tell anybody.

And I wanna tell everybody.

Man, y'know, I'll tell you,
society has gotten to a point

where you can't just tell a joke
and just be friendly about it.

Everything has to be
bought and sold.

You cannot copyright a joke,

but once he does it
on national television,

I can't do it in therapy
with anyone else.

Do you repeat material
you've used to other patients?

Well, certain phrases come up
like, "Let's explore that."

Right.

But you know,
that's not so funny.

Not funny at all.

No.

Hey, dad, what if you were, um,
Columbus' therapist.

Oh, let's explore that?

Yeah.

Uh, that's funny.

You could take that joke,
I don't care, it's yours.

Let's just enjoy.

Freud said that joke
is a death of an emotion.

Could have been his delivery.

Ha ha ha!

He's telling my joke
on national TV,

and it works.

Really?

You must have been so happy.

No, actually I wasn't.

I was a little hurt
that he would use something

that I said to him in confidence
as fodder for his comedy.

Yeah, but he pays you
for the session,

doesn't he essentially buy the
rights to all the material?

Hmm, that's an
interesting point.

I mean, you should be happy that

one of your jokes actually
made it onto the show.

Yeah, but I didn't get proper
credit for it, Laura.

Well, what's he gonna do,
stop and say, "By the way,

that joke was written
by my therapist"?

Would it k*ll him?

They could've had a chyron
y'know, under him on the screen,

"Joke written by Dr. Katz...."

Hi, this is Conan,
I'm not in right now.

Leave a message and
I'll get back to you.

Conan, I'm sorry I missed you,

I was hoping you and I
could talk a little bit

about what happened last night.

Not a big deal,

but I will leave you a message,
I'll try to get to the point.

I will say as a disclaimer I've been known
for taking awhile to get to the point.

I think, in fact,
that's one of my nicknames.

"Taking awhile
to get to the point Katz."

That's what they call me over
at the long-winded center.

Anyway, I was flattered
that the joke worked.

But I just would like to feel
like what you say to me

in the privacy of my office

is not just fodder for your...
Or fuel for your fodder?

Is that an expression?

How is your fodder?

Oh my god, you're
still talking to me?

Um, listen, so call me back
when you...

Leave a message and
I'll get back to you

Conan, I-I'm sorry
this has gone on so long

but if you wanna call me back you can
try me at the office, leave a message,

if I get the message, I'll call
you back on my cell phone.

Hey, am I the only American
with a rotary cell phone?

Hey, if I could stop, I would.

Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg,
I have a two o'clock.

Mm-hmm.

Could you take a seat, please?

I'm a little kinda agitated.

You mind if I stand up?

Uh, kind of.

Oh, okay, sorry.

Thanks.

I feel like I'm making
some progress, you know.

Great.

I'm supposed to go
to Europe on an airplane.

It's the idea of being over the
ocean where they could drop you.

I don't wanna die in the sky.

Well, you wouldn't
die in the sky.

You'd die when
you hit the ground.

I would die all the time...

From the time that I knew
I was dyin', I would be dying.

That's the problem.

I mean, what about like,
going in an elevator.

Doesn't that scare you?

No.

If that doesn't scare you,

then going in an airplane
shouldn't scare you.

It's 35,000 feet, Laura.

Well, yeah, but this is


It's not the same thing!

You're just f***ing
with me, Laura.

Why you f***ing with me
in the office...

The outer office of the shrink?

Is he cutting you in
on some money?

No, I think this is good to
get this stuff out of the way

because it's taken you a month

just to say out loud
that you hate flying.

It started out with
your passion for the bus,

your love of ground
transportation.

Well, yeah.

Those are just words
masking the real issue.

The real issue is I don't
wanna drop outta the sky.

Right.

I feel like I could be
Jackie Chan on the bus, okay?

'Cause I know where
the emergency windows are.

If the bus starts to fall over,
I can kick out the windows

and throw myself over the
top of the bus, and roll.

Yeah.

But when the airplane
is, like, having trouble,

you can't kick Jack!

Except the person next to you
and then they sue you.

That's right.

You should come
on the bus with me.

You would understand,
you'd never fly again.

It's amazing, it's
the peacefulness of it.

I know what it's like to spend
many, many hours on a bus.

Didn't you feel soothed?

Is that like nausea?

...well, yeah, I did
hear from him.

I'm in my car this morning
and the phone rings

and the doctor says,
"Your tests came back,"

and then the phone goes dead,

and I'm thinking to myself,

"Hey, am I the only guy in America
with a rotary cell phone?"

Ha ha ha!

Ben, did you hear
what he just said?

What's that...
Hold on, dad.

Does anyone else have one,
'cause we could call each other.

Ha ha, oh man.

He just said "Am I the only guy in
America with a rotary cell phone."

I left that on
his answering machine.

Right, right, dad.

Yeah, today.
Sure you did.

Yeah, about four
hours ago, I did.

Yeah, so did I.

I'm just saying, Ben, this is
getting a little bit, uh...

Dad, I'm trying to
watch the show here.

Now I missed the rest
of the monologue.

Why don't you look at me and
just go right to the source.

You think he did another
one of your jokes.

I know he did.

Dad, this is becoming like
an obsession and it's bad.

Really.

Hey, dad, why were you
leaving a joke

on this guy's answering machine?

You know, because I like
to kid around, Ben.

But dad, you were
the one who complained

that he stole one of
your jokes to begin with.

Yeah but...

And you go back and call him
and tell him more jokes?

Yes.

Did you write that
rotary phone joke yourself

or did you just come up with it?

Of course, that's my joke.

I made that up.

I'm just saying
that's not a funny...

If you're gonna write jokes,
there has to be a twist.

That's the whole point
of a joke.

Right.

Take, for instance, this joke.

Mm-hmm.

Hey does, um, the grocery store

have to put out
rotten vegetables?

Is that a requirement?

That's funny.

I don't want fresh.

That's not why I
came to the store.

So I'm pointing my finger
at the manager,

"Where are the
rotten vegetables?"

You know what I'm saying?

And then you can continue
and sort of riff.

Give me another example, Ben,

because I'm not sure
that one works for me.

Okay.

Hey, when I go
to the grocery store,

and I want a carton of eggs,

do half of them have to be
broken and rotten?

So it's like the one
with the fruit.

Yes, but a different food group.

So in other words, you mine
the real world for comedy.

That's right, and that's where
the real comedy comes from,

is the real world,

not this rotary
cell phone bullsh...

Well.

Or you could say like...

Okay.

I went to the grocery store.

"Express Lane"?
I don't think so.

How is this express?

'Cause I'm waiting, hello?

Then I'd bring probably the
manager character back.

That's called a "callback,"

and then I would say,

"Here are your
rotten eggs, sir."

How 'bout this, I went
to the grocery store

and they had an
express yourself lane.

Oh, that's not bad, dad.

So I talked a little bit
about growing up in New York,

got some groceries, and uh,
went to the checkout lane...

Okay, so I lost you.

The joke was funny but then you
sort of half-assed the tag.

Okay.

But whatever, I mean,
that's your style.

Yeah, this is better,
one of those animal shows.

Are they stealing
anything from you?

That's my fur!
Oh my god...

Conan, the whole notion of
doctor-patient confidentiality

is so that we both can feel a sense
of safety in this environment.

You're absolutely right, I had
no idea that I was doing that.

I appreciate the apology,
but I think that

there is a reason you did that.

Very much like the
kleptomaniac who steals,

it's not about him
wanting to have...

I didn't steal anything.

That change was on the couch
and I just...

It's anybody's change, isn't it?

Well, finders keepers,
losers weepers

is a very immature
approach to anything.

Well it, it rhymes, though.

And anything that rhymes has a
sort of hidden truth, I think.

Yeah.

Believe me, I don't think there's
any real underlying issue here.

I think it's just something
that happened once.

That's all.

Twice.

And it won't happen again.

But man, I was listening
to the answering machine,

you were working it.

Sweat was coming through
the phone.

Conan, really what
I was doing was, I was...

I just wanted to make sure
that I made my point

and that I did it in a way
that was entertaining...

I saved the tape.

I have been playing it
for people at work.

And how did I do?

You know what?
It starts out okay.

Mm-hmm.

And then it... I'll be honest
with you, it gets ugly.

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura.

Hi.

How are you?

Fine.

So what's happening?

Mmm, just working.

Boring, boring.

Mm-hmm.

Is my dad obsessing about this
Conan O'Brien thing?

Yeah, I don't understand
what the big deal is.

You didn't happen to see
the show last night, did you?

No.

Because my dad said he did
another one of his jokes.

Something about a rotary cell
phone, which was not funny.

I think he's going
completely insane.

My dad or Conan?

Your dad.

Yeah.

Like there's just no way.

Yeah, I mean the thing is that

even if this guy is
stealing jokes from my dad,

which is, to begin with,
a sad prospect...

Yes.

It's like this guy's eventually
gonna just get cancelled

because of my dad.
Well, yeah.

I mean in the end it really is
Conan who's crazy.

And that's the tragic irony
of the situation.

Laura, you're a
ball of comedy today.

That wasn't funny.

It wasn't?

When you talk about being in an
airplane, you keep saying,

"And then they drop me out
in the middle of the ocean."

Right.

You're attributing
qualities to the airline

and to the people
who run the airline

that they don't
necessarily possess.

You're demonizing them.

Yes, I am.

Okay, just checking.

Look, I want some
secure people up there.

Mm-hmm.

They never tell you until
you're in the damn turbulence

that you're in the turbulence,
like you don't know.

Well, that's not totally true.

When you fly cross-country,
they're gonna say

it looks like a smooth ride.

But they lie!

They lie!

They lie, especially
when I'm on the plane.

I have not had a smooth ride
since my first husband.

Well, the guy's starting to question
his own personality now, y'know,

he's just like
always going around,

"Is this funny,
is that funny?"

I don't think he's
questioning his personality.

I think it's going to his head.

Well, I know but...

He's like, "Oh Conan used
my jokes, I'm so upset."

"Hey, how 'bout this one,

get Conan on the phone,
let me try it out on him."

Yeah, I mean, plus I just,
I gotta be honest.

If anybody got the humor gene
in the Katz family, it's Ben.

Ben who?

Ben Katz, me.

Oh.

I mean...

Well, if anybody did.

Right, what do you mean?

I don't know, I just feel like
I'm very cynical.

And what do you feel is the
thing that's most responsible

for your cynicism?

The world is most responsible
for my cynicism.

It's like the movie.

I wanted to get into Titanic,

I should have been able
to enjoy this movie

about thousands of people
dying at the end of it.

Right.

I didn't!

I just feel like I'm missing
the point of a lot of things.

Like "You Got Mail."

I didn't care.

I didn't care that they lived,
y'know, in bookstores

next door and he...
I didn't care.

The fact that your fantasy...

And Hollywood's fantasy,
don't correspond

is not necessarily
a bad thing, Whoopi.

Maybe.

Their inability to
capture your imagination...

That's their problem.

I know, but that leaves me
feeling so kind of empty.

That's your problem.

Like for instance,
a guy like me,

I can just pick up the paper...

Mm-hmm.

Take a look at it
and I can develop,

I mean, just come up with jokes.

So I would say like, uh,
hey, they just announced

that this new fat-blocking
obesity drug

has been approved
by the government,

and its only side effect
reported is oily stool.

And in related news,

Ted Kennedy reports
to have oily stool.

What?

It's cause I-I'm implying that
Ted Kennedy is obese.

It's so funny that you
think that's funny.

Right, yeah, that's great.

Hey, Laura, did you hear
they're uh, cloning sheep now?

That's all we need,
more shepherds.

Ha ha ha!

I've kinda been
studying them lately.

You've been studying 'em?

Yeah, especially the,
sort of the monologue part

because I'm, y'know, I'm
thinking about

turning my career around.

Turning your career around?


an opposite direction.

I would think that's
the kind of career

where you just kind of dive in

and start writing
a bunch of jokes

and you see if they're good.

What's this?

I have to repeat all that?

I'm sorry, I tuned out.

I said it sounds like a career

where you just
have to dive in and...

Hey whatever, Todd, listen,
here's the point:

The world of television
is totally open to me,

and I'm gonna jump right in.

Well, you're always really
funny here at the store.

See, this is the problem
with being a joke writer,

is that everyone's like,
"Be funny, now!"

Mm-hmm.

Like on the spot,
like you hold up your pen

and like, "Oh tell me a joke
about this pen"

and I'm like,
"Well, I don't do that."

I wanna hear these jokes, man.

Well, I mean,
I didn't bring any.

I could just-
I mean, I could.

Pretend I'm a...
Like a woman

you're trying to pick me up
and you wanna...

Well, I mean I wouldn't,
I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't use my jokes
as a pick-up.

I write about my own experiences
and what I see in the world.

Mm-hmm.

I was thinking actually
that I had lunch today.

I was eating one of those
club sandwiches.

How come, nobody's thought
of making the edible toothpick?

Because I prefer not to have
the roof of my mouth stabbed

every time I chew.

It's like, "Hello, doctor."

Are you with me, Todd?

That's a weak joke, actually.

What do you mean, "weak"?

It's not weak.

Do you do any topical jokes?

Todd, maybe you're
just not a laugher.

Did you ever think of that?

Yeah, I think you're gonna be
meeting lots of non-laughers.

Hey, dad.

Hey, Ben.

Listen, I was just
talking to Laura,

and I'm trying to get
Conan's phone number

and she won't give it to me.

Well, she's not
supposed to do that.

Well, here's the deal...

Authorize Laura to give me
Conan's phone number,

'cause I wanna call him.

That would be
totally inappropriate.

Well, I got a whole bunch of
jokes I wanna pitch to him,

and the only way I can do that
is if I call him.

Ben, Ben, Conan is
a patient of mine.

Oh, what time is
uh, Conan's appointment...

Next appointment?

This is a terrible way
to keep time.

Maybe what I should do is
give you some of my jokes,

you pass 'em on to Conan, then
Conan will do 'em on his show.

And you'll kind of be
like my middleman.

Why would I acquiesce
to this suggestion?

Let's see what else
is in the news.

Well, I guess now
they're cloning sheep.

That's all we need in the world,
more shepherds.

Ha ha ha!
That is funny.

Dad, you have developed
the wheeziest laugh.

Is that what happens
to old people?

That's wheezy for you to say.

I like that shepherd joke.

Just tryin' to think
of how I could

work that into
a session with him.

How 'bout this one.

Does a soap dish ever get dirty?

I've got that joke on my list.

You've gotta be kidding.

It's right here.

Well, cross off the duplicates.

Okay.

Another joke, right, I bought a
vcr and I can't program it.

It's always
flashing "12-12-12",

so I just tape the news at noon.

Pffft!

Give me a break,
I'm new at this, Ben.

Hey um, when does it stop
with the angled toothbrushes?

Yeah.

It's like what do I want,
a 90-degree toothbrush now.

What's wrong with
the straight one

that fit in my mouth
in the first place?

It goes back to one issue.

I want the information.

You're entitled
to the information.

There are no accidents.

People shave their legs and then
put love jojoba oil on them

and then go screaming,
"Ow, my legs are on fire."

Who does this?

Women who want to have these
great, deep sexual encounters

think, "Oh, I'm going to
scent myself."

And they don't tell you
on the bottle

where not to put this stuff.

And suddenly just as
the car is pulling up,

there's a heat that begins at
the top of the vaginal area.

Ummm...

And then, as the
car door is closing,

your eyes begin to tear
because you realize

you've made a horrible mistake.

You then rush into the bathroom
and try to shower it out

between the time
he gets to the door

and you realize all
you've done is spread it.

I'm sorry, so your point is?

I want the information
from the people who have it.

Right, you're entitled to that.

I want the information
on the plane.

Right.

I want the information from
the people who make the oil

not to put it
in the pookie area.

'Cause it's not meant
for pookie.

Mm-hmm.

Why can't I just get the
information I want?

Why do I have to, like, turn into
"Negress on fire woman"?

If I had a nickel for every time
somebody asked me that question.

How are things going
with your girlfriend?

To be honest, I think we've reached
an impasse in the relationship.

She's seeing other guys.

I'm sorry,
I did it again, I'm sorry.

Y'know, look, I really
don't wanna do this.

I don't find this approach
helpful for me,

y'know, the approach
where you make jokes.

I apologize.

I will try and assume
a more professional stance

for the rest of this session.

I feel like
I don't trust you now.

Everything you say, I think is
the setup for another joke.

That is...

I do, I-I think
you've got a real corker.

I think you've got a real doozy,

and you're waiting to
unload it on me.

That's not true, Conan.

I feel like that we have
boundaries in this office.

That I have crossed
over some line

I am now crossing back over it.

Guy calls his wife
in the office... true story.

All right, listen, you know
there you g..., it's ridiculous!

Conan.

Huh?

Conan.

Oh!

You remember me, right?

Ummm...

I'm uh, Ben Katz.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, hey, how, how's
it going, how are ya?

Just got out of my
father's office, huh?

Oh yeah, no I was in there
for a session, yeah.

This is a coincidence.

Oh, yeah, well yeah,
it's nice to see ya.

It's funny I was just uh, I just came
here from the convenience store.

Really.

I don't know why they
call them convenience stores.

I mean they should call them
inconvenience stores.

I, actually I should, you know,
I have to kind of run.

I should go.

Right, right, right.

I have a show today to do.

So I just went to the bathroom

and then you know
how you get that pee spot?

Right, yeah.

And it's like a,
it's like a bull's-eye.

Everybody's eyes are drawn,

they know you peed
in your own pants.

And then when
they say something,

you try to pass it off like
"Oh, uh, that's just water."

Right, right.

Is there anything in there
that you think is,

what do you call it, "viable"?

For... what?

I don't know for like, America.

Look, actually, you know,
you seem like a nice kid,

and there are ways
that people go about this...

You just can't take shortcuts.

Like stealing from my dad.

Pardon me?

Like taking his jokes.

He told you about that?

Oh yeah, he tells me everything.

I- I'm I'm...

He told me about
the bed-wetting.

Told me about the
red hair problem.

Y'know, I didn't steal
from your dad.

It was a subconscious theft
and I've made my peace with it

and I've moved on.

Right, right.

Hey, Conan, what's with
those angled toothbrushes,

I mean, when
are they gonna stop?

I-I...

Am I gonna be brushing with
something shaped like a "u"?

Does this thing work?

I mean, how much
angle do you need?

I'm sorry, I gotta...

Conan!

Wait up, buddy!