01x07 - The Escalante Minute

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[ Saweetie's "Best Friend"
plays ]

♪ That my best friend,
she a real bad... ♪

♪ Got her own money
she don't need no drinks ♪

♪ Now she twerkin', she throw it
out and come back in ♪

Wait, guys,
here's a debate topic.

Is it better to buy
expensive furniture

that's already assembled

or cheap stuff that you have to
put together yourself?

Keep in mind, I already
bought the cheap stuff.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Bells chime ]

Morning, Meadows Creek High!

It's time for
your Escalante Minute.

That's just a title,

'cause it's gonna be
a lot longer than that.

Come on.

-Why?!
-Okay, hey, hey, come on.

At least he's not doing
the cheesy theme song.

Wait for it.

♪ It's the Escalante Minute ♪

♪ The best minute
of your month ♪

Wow.

Those vocal coaches
are really paying off.

Okay, first up,
exciting poetry news.

I've picked a winner
for this year's

Elliot Escalante Exceptional
Excellence in Poetry,

AKA The EEEEP.

That's my poetry contest,

for those of you
living under a rock.

Okay.
And this year's winner is...

[ Drumroll plays ]

...Sarah Maris!

[ Applause ]

I think I've d*ed
and gone to Hell.

Please don't read it!

And now I'm gonna read it.

Oh, my...

"My heart longs
to never lose you.

I promise to always choose you.

And when the waters clear,

it will always be you
I hold dear.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Oh, my God.

[ Door closes ]

sh**t. You guys, do you think
I should go after her?

Would you want you
to go after you?

Point taken.

Terrell,
you are the man.

I mean, that is
obviously about you.

Oh, my God.

It is my dream
to be the subject

of a love poem...

that I didn't write.

Bro, I didn't know y'all
were actually that serious.

I didn't either.

I mean, and I thought Sarah
was normally really private.

Well, Emily Dickinson
was a shut-in,

and she was an amazing poet...

until she drowned
in that river.

Wait, no.
That was Virginia Woolf.

Or, no, that was the one
that put her head in the oven.

Wow. God,
so many troubled ladies.

Again, that poem
is by Sarah Maris.

So if you see Sarah Maris
in the hallway,

make sure to tell her
how much you love it.

Again -- Sarah?

Where'd you get the keys?

[ Bag thuds ]

Your minute is done.

No, don't touch that.

No!
That's my lucky mic, dude!

Sarah, don't
throw those pencils.

Not the face!

[ Clears throat ]

Back to my furniture.

♪♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh ♪

[ Whistle blows ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone chiming ]

Guys, we're standing
right next to each other.

Is this still about
the Dave & Buster's incident

from last weekend?

[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Sighs ]

Okay, look, you guys always
do this when you fight.

Why can't we just
talk about it IRL?

Because we're all addicted
to our phones.

Exactly.
Who's up for a challenge?

Oh, is it to see who can go
to the best college,

make the most money,
and pay the least taxes?

No, it's to see who can go
the longest without their phone.

That's fine. I'll just play
that little game by myself.

So, uh, what are the stakes
of this phone thing?

Losers buy the winner coffee
for a week.

Okay. In.
This is gonna be easy.

Good luck, suckers.
You are gonna need it.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

No, I can't do it.

Oh, I missed you so much.

Have fun
with your dumb contest.

♪♪

Nope, too old.

Nope, too young.

Nope, two kids.

[ Sighs ]
Alicia, I screwed up,

and I really need
your help.

Nope, too needy.

Do not swipe left
on my problems.

I am in the middle
of a crisis.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

But, wait.
Before we get into it,

does Dante look like he could
put together a bookshelf?

You looking for a boyfriend
or a TaskRabbit?

Why can't it be both?

Okay, look.

I keep telling Sarah I was just
trying to celebrate her talents,

but all she does is,
"La la la la, la la la la, la!"

It's so damn effective.

Why are you smiling
at me?

'Cause you, my friend,
pulled an Alicia.

You got overenthusiastic
about helping a student,

completely disregarded
personal boundaries,

and it blew up in your face.

Oh, my God.

I went full Alicia.

It is really stressful.

This is how you live?

Eh, you get used to it.

But, you know, looking at it
from this side,

I am feeling so at peace.

Is this how you live?

Before now!

Come on.
You don't have any advice?

If I got involved
in your situation,

that would be pulling
an Alicia.

But you are Alicia.

Today, I'm the girl
grading papers,

eating other people's
leftovers,

and bingeing
this train wreck.

Listen, I'm not taking "no"
for an answer.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

But seriously --

Okay, listen, I know
you're totally embarrassed,

but I can relate.

You know, once, when I --

my poem being read
over the PA

to the time you had a leaf
stuck in your hair.

On picture day.

Here.

Why are you bringing us
two coffees?

[ Gasps ]
Ooh, did you --

Yep. I caved.

Timothée Chalamet went live.

I really wasn't thinking
when I made this bet.

And then there were two.

Question --
How do you guys know

the other isn't looking
at their phone?

I know I can be trusted.

Three words --
Dave & Buster's.

If you can cheat there,
you can cheat anywhere.

Two words -- up yours.

Well, since I'm out,

I guess I can hold on
to your phones.

Thank you, but I think
you're underestimating us.

Oh, my God, did you see
the pic I just sent

of a kitty
sleeping with a squirrel?

Oh, my God, they're tucked into
a tiny little bed.

Take 'em.

Hey. Hey, great job
ending the Escalante Minute

before he got
to the closing theme song.

Well,
I had to pull the plug.

Literally.

[ Chuckles ]

Don't be.
It was an awesome poem.

Probably because you had
a great muse.

[ Chuckles ]

It was me.
I'm the muse.

I was following.

Look, the poem
was unexpected

but really cool.

Okay.
You know, I'm gonna go...

Both: Let the air out
of Mr. Escalante's tires.

Am I becoming predictable?

Nah,
it's your signature move.

I'll see you.

What are you doing
in here?

I'm a teacher
in the teachers' lounge.

What are you doing
in here?

My mom's the principal.

I can go anywhere I want.

Because I copied the keys.

Sarah!

Are any of those
for the vending machine?

You know, today has been
so frustrating.

Tell me about it.

You know, I had
all this IKEA furniture

delivered to my apartment,

and there was no one
to help me set it up.

You know, that is
an interesting thing

that I do not care
anything about.

No nosy follow-up
after I tell you I'm frustrated?

It's refreshing.

Thank you for noticing.

Well, the new Alicia is staying
out of everybody's business.

Awesome. You know, I'm glad
we're on the same page.

Is it because you weren't ready
for Terrell

to know how you really feel?

[ Scoffs ]
Is something I would say

if I was gonna get
involved.

God, why does everybody assume
they know what the poem's about?

Holy plot twist.

It's not about Terrell,
is it?

But, wait,
I just saw you guys out there,

like, laughing and vibing.

You were faking it.
Of course.

But, wait.
Why not just tell him?

Right.
'Cause he's such a good guy,

you don't want to hurt
his feelings.

I get it, girl.

Don't you feel
so much better

now that you got all of that
off your chest?

Considering I didn't know
it was there?

Definitely.

He's gonna be so upset
when he finds out.

Yeah, but he's gonna be
heartbroken if you lead him on.

Being real
is the kinder thing to do.

I don't know
if I can do that to him.

No, it's like waxing --
you just gotta rip it off,

or the pain's gonna linger.

I think you need to pay more
for waxing.

I'm gonna butt out.

No, you're right.

I just need to tell him
in my own way.

Okay. And I am glad that
you came to that conclusion

all on your own
without my involvement.

Great.
Now can I have some privacy?

I can't leave a student
in here unsupervised.

Later.

♪♪

You know, Miles,
I gotta tell you,

now that I'm off my phone,

I feel so --
so clear-headed and calm.

Really?

'Cause you look
pale and sweaty.

'Cause I skipped
all the way here.

[ Chuckles ]
That's just something I do now.

You -- You -- You'd get it
if you were off the grid.

Oh, excuse me.
I didn't order scones.

No, no, no, no,
no, no!

That is just a gift
for giving me my life back.

The light in me
sees the light in you.

Your phone's
not in my backpack.

Damn it! Okay.

Look, look, look.

Just give me
one little peek, right?

Just to bring me down
a little bit.

Is he caving?

No.

Now please be gone.

Did he really think he
could distract me that easily?

I know.
It's so pathetic.

It's like he doesn't
even give you any credit.

Oh, also, by the way,
I was just outside earlier.

Griffin was looking
for you.

That's really funny,

'cause he's in Chicago
with family.

And, no, your phone's
not in my backpack.

Damn it.

Ha!

Uh, who's pathetic now?

This girl.

You two don't realize it,
but you have way more in common

than you think you do.

Gross.

♪♪

Welp,
someone's getting fired.

Not if you pretend
you didn't see me.

Sarah won't accept
my apology

even though
I just gave her this.

You made her another
homemade wizard wand?

It was a Mylar balloon that said
"You're #1."

She friggin' popped it.

It was nice
working with you.

I'm gonna miss your...

faux snake boots.

Hey.

Typical Alicia move.

You are spiraling.

And you know what makes Alicia
feel better?

Hmm?

Come on, eat it, relax.
You're not gonna get fired.

Sarah would never do that.

Well, how do you know that?
Did you talk to her?

You got involved?

And there go your
chocolate privileges.

For the record,
I am so not involved.

♪♪

Sarah's clearly into me
based on that poem,

but, you know, in person,

her actions just don't
match her words.

Makayla: She's probably upset
you haven't done

something equally romantic.

Well, I was thinking
about buying her

her favorite
swim goggles.

Yeah, do not do that.

Come on.
That poem was amazing.

You really need to
step it up, bro.

You should buy her
this bracelet, okay?

It's ethically sourced,
so twice the price.

Oh, my God, yeah,
she would love that.

And I'm her best friend,
so I can borrow it from her.

I guess I gotta do it.

It's gonna cost
my entire summer savings.

No, it's not!

I mean, girls don't like

expensive, lavish,
surprise gifts.

Yuck.

If you really
wanna win her heart,

you should ask her to...

sit under a tree
with you.

Oh, did a little birdie
follow you to work, too?

Okay, well, Sarah
does love to be outside,

so maybe I'll go
with that idea.

Wise decision.

Thanks, Ms. G.

Uh-huh.

Bye-ee!

Doesn't she seem
weirder than normal?

No.

♪♪

Bro, your move.

Don't rush me.

Great.
Another tie.

So I guess this is what
people did before phones.

Yeah.

But it, uh, made us talk

and put that stupid argument
behind us.

This bet was kind of
the best thing

that ever happened
to our friendship.

[ Slow clapping ]

You're welcome.

This great moment
of friendship

has been brought to you
by who?

Miles Alvarez.

So, this was all just a trick
to bring us together?

Yep.
I "Parent Trapped" you.

God, I feel so...duped.

No, you weren't duped.

I manipulated you.

Here -- take these.

You earned 'em.

[ Slow clapping ]

What's going on?

Ha!

We knew you were
"Parent Trapping" us,

so we pretended to get along so
you'd give us our phones back.

Reverse "Parent Trap"!

It took Luke 2 1/2 hours
to explain the movies to me.

We could've just
watched it.

Okay.
How'd you catch on to me?

What do you mean?
It was obvious.

"You two have way more in common
than you think you do."

First of all,
who says that about us?

A normal person
with insight?

Okay.

So, instead of hashing out
our small disagreement,

we spent hours coming up
with this elaborate plan.

Which makes us
the real winners of this bet.

Right.

My two best friends
who never get along

and always put me
in the middle.

You're the real winners.

♪♪

Terrell: Whoa.

That's more than
my summer savings.

This is
with the family discount?

Yeah, my aunts didn't get rich
giving stuff away.

Hey, Sarah, um, did you
have a talk with Terrell yet?

See, I said I'd do it on
my own time, so maybe next week.

Oh, next week's great.
Yeah.

Or today.
Oh, my God, that's a great idea.

Why don't you do it today?

You're not gonna say anything,
right?

No, I promised you
I wouldn't.

Not a word
is gonna leave my lips.

[ School bell rings ]

Okay, class, instead
of our planned debate,

we're actually gonna do
a little communication exercise

I learned at Google.

Does it involve
mining personal data?

Very funny.
[ Chuckles ]

No.

To help make our team stronger,
we are going to be building...

IKEA furniture.

Wait. So you ran home
to get your furniture

because you're too cheap
to hire someone to build it?

No.

I brought in my furniture
to teach you guys

a very important life lesson.

On how to be cheap?

On how to discuss difficult
topics under stress,

which is, I think, something
that we could all work on.

I agree.

I don't.

Perfect example.

So, I'm gonna be choosing teams
of two at random.

It'll be Terrell and...

Mak-- Sarah.

Terrell and Sarah.

Can I see those?

Aww.
Cute couple.

So sweet.

And yet so unnecessary.

And the other teams
are gonna be

Makayla and Robyn
and Luke and Miles.

Great.
There's no instructions.

Maybe the furniture will
trick me into assembling it.

Miles, I know that was
directed towards me.

Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry.

I didn't know
you were right there.

Remember, you two,
communication is key.

And -- And patience, because
building this furniture

could take a long time.

Done.

Really?
You guys had the hardest one.

You're really not getting
the whole

"we're awesome STEM queens"
thing, are you?

Yeah!

Hey, Sarah,
where's the bag of camlocks?

I can't find it.

Oh. Sorry.
I had them here the whole time.

So, is there anything else
you've been withholding, Sarah?

'Cause I'm sure that Terrell
would like to know.

You know, if I think
of anything,

I'm sure I'll pass it on
when I'm ready.

Like now?

[ Both whispering ]

Right. It's just that
this is a partnership.

And so you gotta tell him
what you need

so he doesn't give you
what you don't need.

'Cause you want to build
the strongest armoire possible,

one that will last
well into the future --

Okay. I think
we're moving too fast!

Terrell, what's wrong?

I j-- I need a minute.

♪♪

[ Bells chime ]

Luke: This is the
Miles Apology Minute.

An apology?

Okay, I'm listening.

Brought to you by
his two best friends,

who have written a poem.

Please don't read it.

And now we're gonna
read it.

Miles, Miles,
we've had our trials.

Oh, God.

We made you flustered
over our argument

about Dave & Buster's.

No, it keeps getting worse!

Shut your ears,
Ellen Rendecki.

We know you felt like crap
when we revealed...

Both: Our reverse
"Parent Trap."

For the love of Lindsay Lohan,
stop!

Did you hear
the masterpiece?

Everyone in school did.

Well, you'll be pleased
to hear

we wrote it together,
which was your goal.

Yeah. I always sprint
down the hallway in a panic

when I'm pleased.

We just wanted you to know
that we're sorry

for always putting you
in the middle,

and we're gonna do better.

I appreciate that,
but let's get out of here.

It's locked.

Text someone.

I don't have my phone.

Me either.

I got this.

Makayla, this is Miles.
We need your help.

We're locked
in the AV office.

STEM queen to the rescue.

♪♪

Hey, Terrell, I've been
looking for you everywhere.

Y-Yeah, sorry I left you
to do the armoire.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I may have left
a few screws out.

It's a leather jacket away
from collapsing.

I-I didn't mean
to freak out earlier.

I'm just not ready for all
the boyfriend poem stuff.

That's what this is about?

God, no.

Everything got blown
out of proportion.

The -- The poem wasn't
about you, it was about me.

All -- All the swimming
references, though?

Yeah, I swim, too.

I'm the one I wanted to spend
some more time with.

Wow. I mean, you just turned
the EEEEP Award

into a DEEEEP Award.

No, I -- I was so worried
about hurting your feelings,

I didn't know how to tell you,
because I really do like you.

Yeah, yeah,
I like you, too.

But, um...

I think we're better off
as friends.

Oh, thank God.

I feel the same way.

So we're cool?

Yeah.

Always.

Hey, you know, I almost
bought you a bracelet?

There's always
a friendship bracelet.

Not at that price.

I got your text
about that furniture,

and I'm happy to help since
I may have to become a handyman.

You are not getting fired.

And I did it on my own.
I am very resourceful.

Hey, Mr. Escalante.

Sarah, um, again, I --
I am so sorry,

and if it would
make you feel any better,

you could read
my poetry on air.

I definitely
don't want that.

But we're good.

Yeah, things worked out.

Thanks, Ms. G,
for the waxing tip.

Hell yeah.

It's girl stuff.

Men wax, too.

Oh, and here is
your keyboard cord.

[ Chuckles ] Yes!

The Escalante Minute
is back, baby.

Yaaaay.

Thanks for having us
assemble that furniture, Ms. G.

Oh.

Oh, so you did all that
furniture on your own, huh?

I said I was resourceful.

Mm-hmm.

Well, if your furniture's
all done,

guess I'll just head home.

I, uh, still need you to get it
to my apartment.

[ Sighs ]

Fine.
I'll help.

Only if you co-host
the Escalante Minute.

Fine.

But I have
my own theme song.

Ready?
[ Clears throat ]

♪ It's Alicia and Elliot ♪

♪ But mostly Alicia ♪

It's cuter than yours.

♪ That's my best friend,
she a real bad... ♪

♪ Got her own money,
she don't need no... ♪

♪ On the dance floor,
she had two, three drinks ♪

♪ Now she twerkin', she throw it
out and come back in ♪

♪ That's my best friend,
she a real bad... ♪

♪ Drive her own car,
she don't need no Lyft ♪

♪ In the strip club,
know my girl gon' tip ♪

♪ Now she twerkin', she throw it
out and come back in, ha ♪

♪ Best friend, you the baddest
and you know it ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ I think our booty growin' ♪

♪ ...it up in the mirror,
hit them poses ♪

♪ Best friends,
and you...glowin' ♪

♪ Whoo-whoo! ♪

♪ Look like it's frozen ♪

♪ Uh-oh, girl,
I think our booty growin' ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ Hit them poses ♪

♪ Best friend,
you my...soul mate ♪