01x15 - Death Takes a Holiday

[bunniefuu]

- Did you see this?

Jason and the argonauts
are heading this way.

Looks like they want
to fight an army

Of hairless, grinning women.

- Those are skeletons.

- Why would you
fight a skeleton?

Seems like punching down.

- But you'd fight an army
of hairless, grinning women?

- If they started it.

Did you see them?
They look pretty menacing.

- They look menacing because
they're skeletons, darling.

- I don't know.

When I see a skeleton, I don't
think, oh, here comes trouble.

I think, there goes someone
that got into trouble

Several years ago.

- The argonauts' battles
are always pretty epic.

- Yeah.
I'm on the edge of my seat.

A fight with a skeleton.

How do you know
when you're finished?

- Wait--they'll have to stop
here for supplies.

- They won't stop here,
they'll stop in supplesia.

The supplesians practically
invented supplies.

- Yes, but they also
bragged about it,

So poseidon turned
them all into supplies,

And they had to use
themselves to death.

- Which makes krapopolis
a must-stop for the argonauts.

- But does that
put us in danger?

It's not like we're
mankind's greatest thr*at,

Its own skeleton.

- Guys, homer travels
with the argonauts.

- What's homer?

- Everywhere the argonauts go

Gets referenced
in a homer poem.

If we could get
a favorable mention,

I mean, preferably involving
something touristy

Like our delicious kebabs.

- Everyone knows
our kebabs suck.

- Sounds like we have
world-famous kebabs.

Work with me here, stupendous.

[mystical humming]

- Ah!
- It's just a message orb.

Ignore it.
- A message orb?

- Ah, what the--

- Yes, it zaps you
until you answer.

- It zapped me!

- It'll make the rounds.

Ignore it, I said.
This is family time.

- Ow.
Can you answer it already?

- Nobody answers
on the second zap.

I don't want to seem desperate.

- Ow. Why me twice?

- You showed weakness.

- Oh, fine.

- Deliria, I hope
this finds you well.

I'm hosting a very special,
very exclusive retreat

On my private island,
and I'd love you to be there.

- Oh, mama likey.

- But you simply must bring

Your little mortal king,
tedious.

- What? Mama confusey.

Does hestia know you?

- Oh, yeah, clearly.

We're on a wrong name basis.

- It's the pinkish blue
paradisey thing

At the center
of the three realms.

If you see a pyramid,
you've gone too far.

- Don't go, ty.

This island sounds
like a k*ll box

Where gods hunt man for sport.

- That's a thing?
- Oh, don't be silly.

We're gods.

The entire world
is our k*ll box.

- Still, if it's all the same,

I'll stay here and tend
to the argonauts.

- Nice try.

A hestia invite never happens,
and she said I must bring you.

- She called me tedious.
- She ain't wrong.

Now, are you going to
keep pouting like a baby,

Or are you going to grow up and
let me carry you to a party?

- All right,
but the rest of you

Have to get this place decent
for jason and the argonauts.

- Decent?
- What's that supposed to mean?

- Well, you know, these people
are better than we are.

- What?
- Excuse me.

- If you've got the energy
to be offended by that,

You've got the energy
to clean up the dock.

Get rid of the fish smell.

I don't want any more pushback,
I'm your king.

Make sure the argonauts
have a good time.

- Have fun at your k*ll box.

- It's not a k*ll box.

[dramatic lyre music]

♪ ♪

- Hestia's private island.

There are olympians who
would k*ll to be here.

- I haven't been
to a lot of parties,

But this one seems weak.

- Well, it only goes to show
how little you understand

The--wait a minute.
Broseidon's here.

- Babe, are you being
serious right now?

Just pick something.

- Well I'm not sure
what I want.

- Come on.

Are you trying to embarrass me?

- Either the hestia cachet

Or my memory
seems to have slipped.

What do you say?
Ten minutes? Five?

Just show our faces to hestia
and then bolt?

- Greetings,
mortal and immortal pairs.

My beloved humanus and I
welcome you to a weekend

You will never forget.

A weekend that will
leave you changed and renewed.

If my fellow gods and goddesses
will hold your hands

Over the nearest open flame,

You will experience
something profound.

[exciting chatter, yelps]

- I was gonna
do that anyway.

Whoa! Whoa!

Is that, like, pain?

- Indeed it is.

The pollen of the brotos
flower, unique to this island,

Has the rather extraordinary
property

Of canceling out
our godly powers.

You've been breathing it in
since you arrived.

- You've been spiking the air?

- Now, now. Don't panic.

It's good for you.

Cleansing. Therapeutic.

An opportunity to free yourself
from the prison of eternity,

And to achieve levels
of intimacy and understanding

Never imagined possible.

- I already
understand everything.

I don't need to understand him.

- Well, you can try
to leave if you like.

- [grunts, sighs]

- Here on vitalis,
gods and humans are equal.

- What?
- What?

- Ugh.
Then we leave by boat.

You know how to build
a boat, don't you?

- Actually, I'm suddenly
very interested

In staying the whole weekend.

And no, about the boat.

- I can't believe our brother
said these people

Are better than us.

We're gonna show them
a good time.

We don't have to clean.
- Right?

Like we're gonna make
such a bad impression.

Totally ridiculous.
Ty needs to relax.

[argonauts grunting]

- Greetings, good people of--
[sniffs]

Oh, my god. The smell.

What is that?
[all gagging]

- Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.

- Not that bad?

All right, argonauts,
back on the boat.

- Wait, what?
- No!

Hold on just a second.

- How dare you
touch our rigging.

- Rigging?
This is a mooring line.

- We call
all the ropes rigging.

What are you?
The boat word police?

Give me.
- Stay for our famous kebab.

- You do not give me orders,
you bi--

[screaming]

- Um...

- Well, they're all dead,
so at least

There certainly can't be
a story about it.

[clattering]

- Is that homer?

- Hey, where are
those argonauts?

Did they run ahead?

- Yes.

[dramatic music]

- Running away?

You're that unwilling to give
this equality thing a chance?

- Not everything deserves
a chance, tyrannis.

In fact, most things don't.

You realize what this is?

Hestia just finally lost her
weirdly famous virginity,

And now she thinks she and her
mortal boyfriend invented sex.

Ugh.
[growls]

- I can see you're upset.

- Oh, of course,
you're loving this.

Seeing me powerless
is your dream come true.

- I did feel that
for a rather wonderful moment,

But I actually think
this could be a good thing.

A whole new way for gods

And mortals to relate
to each other.

- We already have a way that's
worked for thousands of years.

It's called worship.

- Well, I think doing this
is going to be good for you.

And whether or not
you agree with me,

It is what you're
going to be doing.

I don't suppose
there's any chance

You'll make even the tiniest
effort this weekend?

- Don't hold your breath.

- Well, don't you
hold your breath, either,

Because you'll die.

- You really are tedious.

- Why do you have to do that?

Why do you always have
to have the last word?

- Ask me that 1,000 years
after your death.

- I can't believe some
of them are actually

Participating in this charade.

Imprisoned, violated, and what?

Just playing along?

- Maybe they don't
feel violated, mom.

Maybe they find it
therapeutical, as advertised.

- Oh, this--
what did you call it?

- Mild indigestion.
- It's unbearable.

You said this just
happens sometimes?

I had no idea, babe, that you
could be feeling this ever.

It sucks to be you.

- Oh, broseidon.

- Well, see? That's nice.

- Oh, come off it.

Do you not see that
they're making fun of you?

The meaninglessness
of your brief, stupid lives.

- Beginning to see the appeal?

- I believe I am, yes.

[laughs]

- Wait--this is about
laughing at mortals.

I thought this was
about us being equal.

- I apologize, hestia.

You know mortals.

- Oh, no, no, no.

It's quite all right.

They do get excited,
don't they?

[laughter]

- What else do you have here?

- Oh, a range of treatments,
big and small.

Physical exhaustion.

Arm fell asleep.

Fecal urgency.

Being snuck up on,
but then realizing

It was a statue
and feeling dumb.

Knowing people
are talking about you,

But having no way to know
what they're saying.

- [laughing]
oh, this is too much.

Hestia, I'm sorry
I doubted you.

This is divine.

- Ugh.

- He's in his room
getting cleaned up.

How lucky are we
that homer's blind?

- The gods are truly
smiling upon us.

Did he ask about the argonauts?

- Yeah, I didn't know
what to tell him,

So he just said they're
in an orgy with themselves.

- Perfect cover story.

According to the gossip
I've heard, it's airtight.

And I do mean airtight.

- What the hell do we do next?

When he finds out
what's happened,

We've not only proved ty right
by not doing what he wanted,

We've proved him super right
by achieving

Pretty much the opposite
of what he wanted.

- It is true.

To be the villains
of an homeric epic

Might not have the desired
effect on the tourist crowd.

- Hippo, is there any way
you can make those guys alive?

- That technology is
three years away, at least.

- Dang it.
We're still screwed.

- Hang on.
Let's just think about this.

Perhaps there's a way
to turn it to our advantage.

What is true about blind men?

- They like sitting
on the ground.

- And tin cups.
They love tin cups.

- And?

- They experience everything
through their other senses.

- Exactly.
We've got work to do.

Right, this way,
homer, old boy.

- [groaning]
- the argonauts await.

- Ah. I smell kebabs.
- Yes.

Krapopolis has kebabs
in tremendous quantities.

And your friends didn't wanna
start eating without you.

- Oh, you didn't have
to do that, lads.

- Tin cup?

- Shall we dig in, all of us?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, yes.

- Mmm.
- Mmm, mmm.

[chomps, burps]

- So jason,
tell me about the orgy.

- Uh, uh.

[crash]

- What was that?

- Oh, that's our giant serpent.

It has swords sticking out
all over it.

It's terribly dangerous.

- Sounds like something
we argonauts should fight.

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

[all agreeing]

- Ooh, that doesn't
sound like a good idea.

It's a dangerous animal.

- Yeah,
and it's never lost a battle.

I've gone up against it
many times, and I've...

Never beaten it.

- [growls]

- We have to fight that thing.

- Are you sure?

It's nowhere as easy
to k*ll as human skeletons.

- [grunts, clears throat]

- But have at it, oh brave
destroyers of human remains.

- Argonauts!

Both:
Argonauts!

[dramatic musical sting]

- Mortality.

I get it now.
I really do.

- No, you don't, mom.
You know how I know?

Because you're
enjoying yourself.

- [laughs]

Oh, relax and have fun
like everyone else.

Of course,
I don't get mortality.

That's the whole joke.

My mortality
is itself temporary.

Frankly, the alternative
is unthinkable and offensive.

- Well, I'm sorry
my mortality has always been

Such an insult to you.

- Are those apologies I hear?

Sounds like somebody
is making progress.

Now, the real trust building
can begin.

See you
at the final event tonight.

It's a gas.
You're going to love it.

- I don't suppose there's
any chance you'll make

Even the tiniest effort
tonight?

- [groans]

Stupid...
[muttering]

- God problems?
- [laughs]

Yeah. How did you guess?

- I mean, my name is tony.

Humanus is just
what hestia calls me.

- No kidding?
That's--yeesh.

- Yeesh is right, but it's not
our job to fix them.

They're never gonna change,
and that's just fine

Because we are gonna be around
long after they're gone.

- Yes. Right?
I mean--oh, my god.

It feels so good to hear
someone else say that.

And you know what else?

She, hestia, got my name wrong.

But what's so funny is,
I was offended

Because of the specific way
she got it wrong.

- You know what?

I don't even need
to hear all the details.

I am familiar with that
whole routine, believe me.

We are on the same page,
brother.

- Tedious.
She called me tedious.

- What?

[swords clanging]

- [hissing]
- [groans]

[in deep voice]
let's go!

- Hah!

Hah!
[grunts]

- Skeletons were easy.

[groans]

- So when did you
actually k*ll them?

The second they
stepped off the boat?

- Uh...
- You knew this whole time?

You were overperforming, stupe.

You gave it away.
- I was living in the moment.

An actor makes choices.

- Oh, how dumb
do you think I am?

I just wanted to see
how far you were gonna go

With this hacky, problematic,
let's-fool-the-blind-guy bit.

And I'll give you this:

You went a lot further
than I thought possible.

- You wanna maybe
tell a story about

How cool we are
with sound design?

Maybe?

No?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- So glad you've made
a little friend.

Have you finished sulking now?
- You know--

- Friends, welcome to
the closing ceremony.

The tea you are holding
will purge the flower's effect

From your system.

Drink now, and you
will be gods once more.

- May I?
- Of course.

My beloved humanus.
- Thank you.

My friends, humans,
gathered gods,

You have now experienced
a world in which

Gods and humans are equal.

Now I ask you to visualize
a world without gods at all.

- [gasps] [screams]

- What?
- Ladies and gentlemen,

The antidote will not
be served tonight.

What you've been drinking
is hot water.

- Water?

- The age of man begins today.

Down with the gods!

[screaming]

- It's happening!

No!

♪ ♪

- I don't like your friend.

- I think I'm having
a panic att*ck.

- Mother, we've already
been over this.

That's just called breathing.

- Oh, yes.

I don't like it.

- Here.
We can stop for a second.

I think we've lost them,
anyway.

What happened back there?

I-I don't understand.
- What's not to understand?

Your friend
is a violent extremist

Who thinks the subjugation
of humans by the gods

Is somehow out of line.

It's a ludicrous philosophy
for which

No imaginable extremes
of contempt

Could possibly suffice.

But a surprise.

- I'm not sure it's ludicrous.

The m*rder part
I disagree with, but--

- Lowliness often doesn't agree
with the lowly, tyrannis.

Most, however,
know better than to try

To do something about it.

Revolution is very desperate.

- Mom, look out.
- [growls]

- How does it work?

If it touches me, do I die?

Or how many stabs does it take?

- Just don't get stabbed
at all.

- So even one might do it?

Does it matter how deep?
- [grunting]

- Oh, my god.

- That was crazy.

- Continue to flee?

- Yes, yes. Continue to flee.

[serene music]

- We found another
ship for you.

But homer, is there
anything we can do

To convince you
not to tell this story

Exactly as it happened?

- I'm offended
by the very question.

Who made these kebabs?

- Why? You like them?

- No, they're terrible.

But do you know who else
makes terrible kebabs?

Ionia, where I'm from.

I'm tasting this,
and I can tell

You people are hard workers.

It makes me wanna
throw you a bone.

I tell you what.

I never liked the argonauts.
I found them rude.

I didn't like the bits
they did about me being blind.

So I'm gonna
cut you some slack.

But you're
terrible storytellers.

Your giant serpent was awful.

I'm gonna tell you a story
that you can tell everybody.

And if you ever stray from
our narrative, I swear to god,

I will sink your city
with a stanza.

- Yeah, all right.
- Sounds fair.

- What do you want us to say?

- My legs hurt.

- That's because you've never
really had to use them before.

- My back hurts.

Ty, the red juice that comes
out of people sometimes...

- Blood?

- Is it bad
for the blood to come out?

That's not
what kills you, is it?

- Mom, no! They got you!
What's happening?

- I think my life is
flashing before my eyes.

- Isn't that supposed
to be instantaneous?

- Well, there's a lot
more ground to cover

When you're a god.

How do you live this way?

Always holding on
for dear life.

Always begging
for borrowed time.

- I've never thought
about it that way.

I suppose we do
hold on to each other.

When you reach for someone
and they reach back,

That feeling of connection
almost makes it bearable.

- I felt that once
on the day you were born.

You were so small, so fragile,
so unlike your sister.

You needed me.

It was not for me.

- All right, mom.
I'm gonna find the antidote.

Meanwhile, you--
there's this thing humans do.

It's called will to live,
where you're dying,

And you can want
to not die so badly

That you actually don't die.

I'm realizing I'm not sure
it's an actual thing,

Or if it's a confirmation bias.

Maybe even a smidge
of victim blaming

When people do die, but--

But it's worth a try.

- Oh, my god.

Less talking,
more antidote getting.

- All right, yes.
Hang in there, mom.

- [groans]

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, there he is.

Where's your mom?
- Dead, thanks to you.

- You're welcome.
Free at last.

Come to join me?

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm not fighting you.

Pitting us against each other
is only one of the ways

The gods keep us down,
but those days are done.

This baby is aimed right
at the heart of mount olympus.

Every single god there
will have been breathing brotos

By the time our army of
pissed off humans with knives

Gets up there
to finish the job.

- You're completely insane.

- We worship these maniacs

Who turn us
into goats and spiders

Because they're horny
and bored,

But I'm the crazy one for
wanting to put a stop to it?

The age of man
cannot truly begin

Until all the gods are dead.

- I don't care
about your ideology.

Just give me the antidote.

- What, this antidote?

Why would you need that?

Unless someone's mother
isn't all the way dead.

If you're not man enough
to finish the job,

I guess I'll just have to
take care of it myself.

- [grunts]
- no!

It took us ages
to calibrate the godkiller.

- [grunting]

Oh, yeah?

[grunting]

- No. No, no, no, no!

Ah. No.

♪ ♪

You know they can
never be trusted.

They're terrible.

And there's only one solution.

How do you not see that?
- That's the thing.

Politically, I couldn't
be more aligned with you.

That's why it's so frustrating
that you're such a d*ck.

d*ck.

Mom? Mom, stay with me.

Am I too late?

I guess when two people
have hated each other

For as long as we have,

In some ways, it's the same
as love, isn't it?

So I love you.

♪ ♪

I guess I kind of thought that
might bring you back somehow.

Well, if that didn't work,
this must be real.

I can't believe
this is how I ended up

Getting the last word.

- [gasps] the hell you did.

- Mom? You're alive!

Telling you I love you
did give you the will to live.

- Did you say that?
I didn't hear.

All I heard was last words.

- Oh, come on.

- Now, let's blow this
k*ll box and go home.

♪ ♪

- What happened
with the argonauts?

Did they show up?

- It was incredible.

They had been cursed
by a giant serpent

Who turned them
against homer himself.

But no one knew what an
amazing swordsman homer was.

He sliced up
the mighty argonauts

With the strength
of an entire army.

- My goodness.

- Oh, and then having
broken the curse,

The serpent blessed homer
with a beautiful head

Of golden hair.

The most beautiful hair
ever seen, which he now has.

He complimented our kebabs and
sailed off for more adventure,

Looking sexy as hell.

- It's better than
anything I imagined.

- So did you get
everything you wanted

Out of your spa weekend?

Do you feel renewed?

- Nah.
I nearly d*ed of boredom.

- So obviously,
something happened.

- Well?

- You know, son, not everything
needs to be talked about.

- I couldn't agree more.

- And that is how I, homer,

Inventor of the oral tradition,
slaughtered the argonauts.

- Oh, homer, you little pest.

- I always thought of you
as more of a voyeur.

- Now, how about a little bit
more of that oral tradition?

[crashing]
[screaming]

- What the hell was that?

[screaming]

- No, no, no!
[groaning]

[swords clanging]
[spluttering]

- Sounds like
some sort of struggle.

- On mount olympus itself?

What is the meaning of this?

- [groans] heracles.

- This is for jason,
admetus, acastus, ancaus.

I don't have to say
all these names.

[grunts]
- [gasps]

[both gasp]

- I hereby avenge
the argonauts.

Next quest.

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.