05x03 - Doug Grows Up

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Skeeter] Compass? Check.

Combination hunting Kn*fe,
woodsman's can opener, mini-timber saw,

and survival tweezers? Check.

Regulation Bluffscout cap,
suitable for sun, rain, tropical storms,

as well as occasional food fight?

Check.

All right. Let's move out.

[Doug] Dear journal,

I can't think of anything cooler
than being a Bluffscout.

It's downright manly.

[telephone rings]

Got it! Hello?

Hello, ma'am. I wonder
if I might have a moment of your time.

-But--
-I understand. You're a woman on the go.

No. But, but I'm not--

I know you think
you're not interested, miss,

but you sound like
a very intelligent young lady to me.

Aaaaah!

[footsteps]

[whistling]

[all] Be they slimy or smelly,
I shall not fear them,

but remember that I am a guest
in their forest home...

and act according to
the Bluffscouts' code.

All right!

Now to what you've all been waiting for,

next weekend's Bluffscout shindig-a-rama!

[all] Yay! All right! Whoo-hoo!

Shhh!

[Scoutmaster Dink] Sorry!

Well, there'll be lots of competitive fun,

but everyone
needs to decide on their projects.

It can be something out of a handbook,

or it can be something
you come up with yourself.

Uh, Scoutmaster Dink, Sir?

My brother and fellow Bluffscout,
Moo Sleech, and I

would like to demonstrate how a person
could use an ordinary loaf of bread

as a flotation device
or emergency shelter.

Hmm. Fascinating.
Well, Douglas, how 'bout you?

Whoa.

Well, Skeeter and I want to do
something together, Scoutmaster Dink,

-but we don't know what yet.
-Mmm-hmm.

Ah, yes, the buddy system. Ha ha.
Well, you two better get to it.

The shindig-a-rama is next weekend.
Now, how 'bout we do the chant?

Hecka-pecka-wash-a-rag, skin-a-dally-do!

Sauerbraten, liverwurst,
sweet patootie stew!

Bluffscouts! Bluffscouts! Shin-a-digga...

Shh.

...rama.

Oh, good morning, cook-- Aaaah!

Daddy! There's someone in our kitchen,
and it's not cook!

Ha ha. Not to worry, Beebekins.
That's just our new rich neighbor.

Daddy, would you please inform Roger
that there are laws against trespassing.

[chuckles] Now, honeykins,
you've got to be a little more polite.

In fact, Roger and I were just
talking over some business ideas.

Yeah, I was just telling your pops
that if you're going to fight,

you might as well fight dirty. [chuckles]
Yow!

We're all gonna be
working for him someday.

Oh, that's...

Crazy, daddy! What are you saying?

...nice.

[Phil] All right, Funnie family,
any now names for the baby list?

Pass the double-frosted puffy flakes,
please.

I have one... "Guillaume."

That's William Shakespeare's
first name in French.

Guillaume Funnie. Hmm. Not bad. Doug?

I have three suggestions.

Not Metallica Man again.

I have two suggestions.

My first one is "Really." Really Funnie.

Get it? Get it? Do you get it?
Really Funnie. That's his name.

Yes, Doug, we get it, okay?

And my second one is "The Trashman."

It's a good name
if he wants to be a rap star

or a pro wrestler or a morning DJ.

Or if he wants to take out people's trash.

Yeah!

Uh! You're impossible.

Guillaume. It's Shakespeare's name
in French.

Now, wait a second.

You've both picked out boys' names.
What if the new baby is a girl?

[baby laughing]

Let's just say if it's a girl,
I'm leaving.

[Doug] Skeeter and I decided to wear

our Bluffscout uniforms
to school every day

until the shindig-a-rama.

Besides looking cool,
I had a feeling it might come in handy.

[chalk scraping]

Oh, no. No chalk? What will we do?
Your education!!!

Don't worry, Ms. Kristal.
I'm a Bluffscout.

Now, let me see...

Chalk. Hmm.

Unfortunately, according to this map,
the nearest deposits of sedimentary rock

are at least 40 miles from here.

Hmm. Chalk consists chiefly
of the calcified deposits

of fossil seashells common in the strata
of the cretaceous period.

He's right!

Willie, Boomer, Ned, I need sticks
about two feet long. Double quick.

[all] Mmm-hmm.

You two, take off your sweaters.

-[crowd gasping]
-Everyone, take off your clothes.

Laying clothes out like this will let them
know where to land the chopper.

It's the universal distress signal.

Stand back, everyone. It's the chalk.

[applause]

Oh, Doug, how can I thank you?

No thanks necessary, Ms. Kristal.

You know the Bluffscout motto, "Be Ready!"

Oh, Doug, you're so scouty.

[laughing]

Gee, Skeet, I wonder
what they're all laughing at.

Oh, some kid's probably acting goofy
or wearing something dumb.

Hey, if it isn't Major Loser
and Sergeant, uh... Loser.

Hey, Rog, say something funny
about ol' doofy doofsuit.

Oh, please, you losers,
have some couth, will you?

Hey, Beebe, wait up.

Uh... couth?

[Doug] It was like that all day.

Not-Funnie!
I like seeing a young person in uniform!

In fact, I think I'll ask Principal White

to make it mandatory for all band students
to wear their uniforms full-time.

-[all groaning]
-Uniforms?

-Gee, thanks a lot, you guys.
-Way to go.

[Doug] How could I not realize
being a scout was for grade schoolers?

I was gonna have to give up this kid stuff
before it was too late.

Duh, Patti, ya wanna go
hunt for arrowheads?

Doug, I'm a corporate attorney.
I have clients waiting.

Oh. Hey, you know you could eat this?

[gobbling] Mmm. Hey, this is great.

Doug, stop eating my plant.
Jim, call security.

[Jim] On the way, my lady.

[Doug] I couldn't wait
to get out of school

and back into normal clothes
before anyone else saw me.

Hey, Doug. Wow, I didn't know
you were still in Bluffscouts.

Ohh, man...

[Doug] Even though I didn't seem
to be changing much on the outside,

there were days that sure
felt like I was growing up.

Here you go, Sir.

My watch!

Thank goodness the Queen has her
Victorian secret agents

to watch out for crime.

Tosh. All in a day's work, guv.

-A boy's fallen into the Thames!
-[screaming]

Come on, Candy, move it!

[Doug] Some days I even felt like
I was a different person.

No! Leave it!

Are you kidding?
This is the dumbest show ever.

All they do is run around
solving crimes in their underwear.

Exactly!

[Doug] The two of us
were heading for a showdown,

and I had a feeling I knew just where it
was going to happen.

[indistinct conversation]

[Doug] At the Bluffscout shindig-a-rama.

Huh?

[Doug] I was beginning to wonder
if maybe he didn't have a point.

[coughing]

Skeet, do you think you've learned
anything from being a Bluffscout?

Sure. How to short-sheet a bed,

how to run a guy's underwear
up the flagpole--

[Doug] I mean about preparing young men
to be the adults of tomorrow.

What if Bluffscouts isn't
preparing you to be a man.

What if it's one giant school for losers?

Well, then I've got
a few more badges coming.

I was thinking,
for a display at the shindig-a-rama,

we could do something with magnets, Doug.

I--I don't know.
Can't we do something less, um, kiddie?

How 'bout big, giant, muscley magnets?

Okay. But the shindig's this weekend.
Honk, honk.

Skeet, aren't you kind of old to be
making that honking noise?

Honk, honk.
Oh. Uh, what honking noise, man?

Ohh.

Ohh.

Roger, instead of moping around
every night,

why don't you have your friends come over?

Oh, mom, all my friends are dorks.

I need to hang out
with more sophisticated losers.

Now, Roger, they probably just don't
feel comfortable coming here.

Why don't you throw a house warming party?

Say...

[Doug] Somehow I knew being grown-up

was really more than just
finding the North Star

and sending messages in Morse code.

But what did it really mean
to be a grown-up?

I decided to do some research.

Honey, have you seen my glasses?

[whining]

-Ohh. [chuckles]
-Uh-uh.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!

[Doug] There had to be some secret
to being grown-up, but what was it?

[gasps] Wow.

Buckle up, mate.

-Yes!
-After him!

-Not bad, eh?
-Doug, look out!

-Downshift, Doug! Use the clutch!
-What's a clutch?

[Phil] What's a clutch?

I just mean, since I'm getting older,

there are some things
I think I should be thinking about.

Phil, maybe it's time you and Douglas
had "The Talk."

The-- oh. Oh! Oh! The talk. Ahem.

The talk. Right.

Well, let's go into the den, son,
where we can speak man-to-man.

Well, well, well.
Twelve years old, eh, Doug?

[chuckles] Well... well... well...
[chuckles] Hmm.

What's this?

-Hmm, I thought I paid these.
-Dad?

Oh, right. Ahem. Right, son. Sorry.

Uh, as I was saying, I'm, uh, sure you
have some questions for me, Douglas, uh.

Well, I've been wondering...
what's a clutch?

-Serious questions, Doug.
-I'm serious.

Doug, you've probably
noticed a lot of... changes.

[clearing throat] These are natural.
They're... called, uh, changes.

-[Phil clearing throat]
-Changes...

-[growling]
-That's right, son. Changes.

-Uh...
-Uh...

Put it this way, um,
Doug, have you ever seen...

the salmon,
the way they leap upstream, right?

They leap and, uh,
people are like that, Doug,

only they are not in the water.

Your mother and I don't go in the water,
but we both still go upstream, and--

Ohh...

You see what I mean?
Uh, next thing you know, whew...

-You need a new clutch?
-[Porkchop mumbling]

Doug, you're not listening.

-Maybe you better explain it again.
-Well, it's, uh...

like, um, when two people love
each other very much.

Um, let's start with your question.

A clutch is what disengages
the motor from the wheels.

Well, that wasn't so hard.
Any more questions?

[Doug] Even after Dad gave me "the talk,"

I still had a few questions
about being a grown-up.

Even though I understood
it had something to do with fishing,

I figured I'd better get a second opinion.

I decided to do the same thing I would
if I were writing a report...

ask somebody who knew.

The key to being an adult,
not-Funnie, is one word.

"One word."

Sensitivity.

Sensitivity?

Now drop and gimme 20!

Growin' up is a long stick of pine, Doug.

Along the way there are patches
of sap and knots,

but as long as you go with the grain...

Sap is right! Metal rules!

You gotta make the world bend, Funnie,
and it it doesn't bend, torch it!

Hugs. Hugs. Hugs!

-H-u-g-s.
-[Doug] Taking notes was one thing...

but it was time
to put what I'd learned into action.

The only way to be grown-up
was to act grown-up.

-[Doug] What's the scoop, Phil?
-[both gasping]

Same old, same old? Heh heh...

Um, sure, son.

Throw the bums out, I say.

Ah, good. I hope you whipped us up

-something dee-lightful, darlin'.
-Oh.

That's a fine little lady you got there,
Phil. Hang onto her.

[Doug] And that night I decided it
was time to start watching more adult TV.

[announcer] It looks like--

Yes! A daring knight to queen's rook 7.

I don't know when I've seen
a more thrilling face-off.

It should be all over
in just a few hours now.

[snoring]

Well, I hate to leave
right at the most exciting part,

but I've got some meetings tomorrow.

Meetings?

Yeah. You know, teachers, students...
the usual crowd.

[yawning]

-Doug, what is that under your arms?
-Nothing.

Did you tape hair under your arms?

I think I'll grab a book and turn in.
Night, all.

What did you and Doug talk about?

[Doug] Even though officially

we were supposed to wear our
Bluffscout uniforms every day this week,

I decided it was time to start
dressing more grown-up.

[dance music playing]

[children screaming]

Uh. Whoa.

Mr. Teacher, Sir, may I please be excused?
I really gotta go.

-I'm not a teacher, Skunky.
-Oh, cool.

Bring you back something from Swirly's.

[Doug] Nobody was going to be able to say
I looked like a little kid today.

-Any of you losers seen Beebe?
-Uh, she's up there, Rog.

Hey, Rog, aren't we invited to your party?

Of course not.
I'm declaring this party a dork-free zone.

-Only really mature people are invited.
-Oh.

-Excuse me, loser.
-Hey.

Hey, neighbor! Fancy meeting you here.

Roger, try to get it through your head...
you're not rich.

Why don't you just move back
to your trailer?

Did I hear there's a little gathering
at your place, Roger?

Get lost, Funnie.
This party's only for certain people.

But, Beeb, we can talk about our money!

Hey, Doug, this is what
I was trying to tell you, man.

Look what I found! [chuckles]

-Uh, Skeet, can we talk about this later?
-[children laughing]

We can do something about the planets
you can see at night,

and you can be the Milky Way.

Here. Oh, looks great, man.

Hecka-pecka-wash-a-rag, skin-a-dally-do!

Sauerbraten, liverwurst,
sweet patootie stew!

Bluffscouts! Bluffscouts!
Whoo... whoo... whoo--

-What? What?
-[children laughing]

Cut it out, Skeeter!
I'm not a Bluffscout. I quit.

I'm sorry, Skeeter. You just missed Doug.

Oh. Thanks, Mrs. Funnie.
I can't believe it.

I guess Doug really did quit
the Bluffscouts after all.

-Negative ten.
-Negative 10.5.

[Doug] Tonight there was only one place
to be if you wanted to be mature.

[doorbell chiming]

Good evening. Your invitation, Sir?

Invitation? Oh. Invitation.

Yes. I had it right here.

I guess if I said my dog ate it,
you really wouldn't, um...

No. Sorry.

[Roger] Funnie!

Just the guy I wanted to see.

Come on in, bud.

[music playing]

Nice house, Roger.

Yeah. Well, you know what they say,

the three most important things
about property are

location, location, and, uh...

I forget the third one.

[Doug] I wasn't having fun at all.

I felt more mature than ever.

Hey, hey! Anybody up
for a cheesy cocktail weenie?

Weenies!

[gobbling]

They aren't anything fancy
like the caterers brought,

but they're my favorite.

Go on, dig in, boys.

Doug...

you look terrific in your suit.

-[choking]
-Thank you, Mrs. Klotz.

Say, have you done something
with your hair?

It goes so well with the wallpaper.

Well, thank you, Doug. Actually, I just--

Roger, we have company.
Kindly act your age.

-Roger, are you choking?
-[choking]

-Oh, my, he is choking.
-Hold on, Roger.

-[Roger choking]
-[Doug grunting]

Hey, cut it out. I'll cream ya!

Roger, he just saved your life.
Doug, how did you know how to do that?

Oh, just something I picked up...
in the Bluffscouts.

Well, it's a good thing you were here.

Maybe Roger should have stayed
in the Bluffscouts a little longer.

Bluffscouts? Aren't they the group
that has that celebration...

what is it, the swinefest?
The shindog? Um...

Oh, yeah. The shindig-a-rama. I think.

This weekend, I, I hear.

It's supposed to be fairly interesting.

Scouts come from all over,
and they have contests,

and Skeeter and I are going to--

-I mean... I quit.
-Good move.

[Doug] After the party, I guess I
should have felt more mature than ever,

but I still didn't know
what being a grown-up was really about.

[carnival music playing]

[Doug] It was the night
before the shindig-a-rama,

when everyone worked late
putting it all together.

Good work, men.

This is going to be shindig-a-tastic!
Ha ha ha!

[boy] You said it!

[Doug] It was hard to believe
that at one time

I was like these happy youngsters,

back in those carefree days
of my childhood.

Ahh... youth.

[Doug] Well, journal,
the shindig was great.

It's amazing how close I came

to cutting myself out
of something that was really fun.

I finally figured out
the only way to not worry

if people thought I was grown-up or not
was to...

[laughing]

...not worry if people thought
I was grown-up or not.

[bugle blaring]

[Doug] In fact, if being grown-up
means not trying to be

what other people think you should be,

I guess the most mature
person I know is... Skeeter.

[laughing]

He doesn't worry if anyone
thinks he's mature or not.

I decided I'd have lots of time
for boring parties later.

I think I'll keep doing what I like,
for a little while longer, at least.

[grunting]

[Doug] And for some strange reason
I'll never understand,

Roger even started coming
to Bluffscout meetings again.

Come on, ya losers!
My granny throws better than that!

Ooh.

Hecka-pecka-wash-a-rag, skin-a-dally-do!

Sauerbraten, liverwurst,
sweet patootie stew!

[Doug] I guess even he felt better
about taking his changes one at a time.

Hey, Beeb, just came by to tell ya,
you were right.

About what, Roger?

About us living in the old trailer.

We're going back to live there
for a while.

Really? Oh, Roger!
I think that's a wonderful idea.

I know you'll be happier
back where you were.

Well, glad you're taking it so well, Beeb.
Catch ya later.

Huh?

[screaming]

[theme music playing]