01x06 - Washington 4, Indians 3

[bunniefuu]

[ Tires screech ]

[ horse whinnies ]

What's a matter with you guys?
Nuts or something?

Can't you motion picture
people stay on your own sets?

- this is a public highway.
- [ g*nsh*t ]

What can
I do for you?

Everybody line up.

One of you is
secret agent of control.

That is man
we want.

All others
we will k*ll.

Will control agent
take one step forward?

That is man we want.
Take him.

[ Whinnies ]

Control agent would not
reveal identity even on
threat of death.

Everybody else
back in bus.

We have message for you
to take to your leaders.

You couldn't have
just handed it to me?

You will take it to
your government at once.

- Hyah!
- [ Whooping ]

- What's it say?
- Top secret.

How far to
a telephone?

Two, maybe
three hours.

Okay, let's go.

This is agent 43.
I'm in arizona.

my tri-state bus
was just att*cked by
a band of indians.

Your bus was
att*cked by indians?

yes, indians.

Are you sure?
What did they look like?

They wore feathers,
w*r paint and carried
bows and arrows.

Yes, those
were indians.

Indian uprising
in the 20th century?

It's true.
I was just starting
my three-week vacation

When my bus was att*cked
by four indians on horseback.

I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.

you can't
believe what?

You've got
a three-weeks vacation?

They gave me
this message:

"Inform your
government that
they have 48 hours

To turn over all
lands appropriated
from our people--

Otherwise, w*r."

- w*r?
- that's what it says.

Hang on, 43.

This is a maximum alert.
Repeat, this is a maximum alert.

Forsyth, wake up
the chief and tell him
it's an emergency.

Harrison, call
the pentagon and alert
the chiefs of staff.

Saunders, cancel all
military leaves and hold
interstate commerce.

And, oh, saunders,
just between you and me,

How many weeks vacation
did you get last year?

Three?

[ theme music playing ]

- What is it, 86?
- A maximum mobilization
alert, chief.

Threat of w*r
by a known aggressor.

w*r? Good heavens,
is it the chinese?

The russians?

- Well then who?
- The indians.

Indians?but india
is a neutralist nation.

No, not those
indians, chief.
The american indians.

The american
indians?

[ Whoops ]

- Those indians?
- Yes, sir.

Four of them,
they att*cked a bus.

Max, you
don't mean--

You couldn't--

You wouldn't
call up--

Say you
didn't, max.

You did.

Max, do you realize what
you've done on the strength
of a minor incident?

You woke up the three
highest ranking officers
in the u.s. Military.

You've got hundreds
of planes flying
in the air.

You've canceled
thousands of leaves.

That's what
you've done, max.

Just what are
you getting at, chief?

I can't believe...

That you would summon
the chiefs of staff

At this awful hour

Simply because three
indians att*cked a bus.

Four, chief.

Do you realize
what time it is?

It's 3:00 in
the morning.



- What's this all about?
- Nobody told me anything
about it.

- Sorry about this, gentlemen.
- My troops are at
maximum alert.


Already in the air.

I've recalled the third
and seventh fleets.

Well, it's
really nothing.

All:
nothing!

You tell 'em, 86.

Uh, very well.
Gentleman, first of all--

Just a minute,
someone seems
to be missing.

Where is the marine
corps commandant?

He's on vacation
for three weeks.

Three weeks?

Get on with
it, 86.

Right, chief.
We have received
an ultimatum

Demanding the surrender
of the united states
within 48 hours

Or a state
of w*r will exist.

- What?
- An ultimatum from whom?

- The indians.
- But india is
a neutralist nation.

[ Whoops ]

Those indians?

I can't believe
any little indian band

Is going to defeat
the united states army.

I agree with you,
general custer.

Doesn't prove a great
military threat,

But one dissident group
could trigger

More widespread
insurrections.

- Chief.
- Hmm.

Custer is
a good man,

But I think for
this emergency

Perhaps he should
be relieved of
his command.

Might make the public
feel insecure,

Him still
running the show.

Just what indians
are these?

Apparently, general,
it's a dissident group
called the red feathers

On a remote reservation
in arizona.

Give me two squadrons
of bombers,

Two 1,000-lb.
Bombs,

Round-the-clock
saturation bombing
of arizona.

Fred, you can't
b*mb arizona.

What are you
talking about?

My bombers can hit
anyplace on the face
of this globe.

But arizona is part
of the united states.

[ Stammers ]

A little low-level
strafing perhaps, huh?

Sorry, fred.

Custer:
exactly what do
these indians what?

The demand the return
of all the territory
we took from them.

Well, give it
to them.

But, harry,
it's all theirs.
The whole country.

- everything?
- everything.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute now.

Maybe we can
make a deal.

They might be able
to accept less--

Say, new jersey?

Would you?

What plans do you
people have

Against indian attack?

- Well...
- [ Clears throat ]

- Go ahead, max.
- Thank you, chief.

Gentlemen,
please be seated.

All right.

Now I've done
a little research
on this subject,

And I happen to
have here a detailed
military manual

That sums everything
up very nicely.

"Indian attack."
[ Clears throat ]

"An indian attack
is a group of indians
attacking,

As in the sentence,

'Indians are attacking
the town.'"

Chief:
fine max.
what about strategy?

Strategy, yes, sir.

I think you'll find
this very interesting,
gentlemen.

If att*cked by indians
in open country

Military or
civilian personnel

Should form their
wagons in a circle.

What we need is
a realistic appraisal
of their strength.

What we need is one
good intelligence agent

To infiltrate,
find out exactly
what they're up to.

You know, I think
we've got the man
right here.

he's obviously
researched the indians
thoroughly

And knows what
he's talking about.
How about it, chief?

All right, max,
it's your baby.

I want you on your way
to arizona at once.

Right, chief,
arizona.

I'll be on that
reservation in arizona--

- Arizona?
- Um-huh.

Is the saturation
bombing definitely
off, chief?

[ Phone ringing ]

This is control.

Yes, sir.

No, sir, it's just a little
trouble with some indians.

No, sir.
[ Whoops ]

Well, we have
the option of either
attacking in force

Or gathering
more intelligence.
You can go back to sleep.

You can't?
Well, sir,

Have you tried a cup
of hot chocolate?

If that doesn't
work, try a glass
of warm milk.

Yes, sir.
Just a minute.

He wants your
appraisal.

I think we should
acquire more
intelligence.

No, he means
hot chocolate
or warm milk?

[ All arguing ]

- 43?
- 86?



- 43.
- 99.

Careful, they're from
rent-a-horse.

Do you have
a plan, 86?

Yes, my first plan
is to get my foot out
of this stirrup.

Do you have
any other plan?

Shh.

Okay, I don't think
anybody can hear us now.

I've got to get on
that reservation,

Get inside and find out
what's going on.

Have you learned
anything new, 43?

The red feathers
are arming to fight.

They've summoned the leaders
of other tribes.

They're concealing
a powerful w*apon in
their main tent.

I've got to get
inside that tent,

Take some pictures
with my micro-camera
and get out.

Those fellas are armed.
How are you going
to get through

Their lines
in broad daylight?

And I'm not
sure 43.

I'd better check
my equipment.

Beads...

$24 In cash.

You'd think they
would have wised
up by now.

Well, at least
they gave me my
electric snake.

An electric
snake?

Yes, very very
good for creating
a diversion.

- What does it run on?
- Tiny little feet.

- Where does it
get its power?
- Transistors.

What about
communications?

Oh, we have tiny
little miniature
radio receivers

That can be
hidden anywhere.
Oh, and this...

Is a saddle
transmitter.

What else have
you got there, 99?

Oh, this.

What's that?

It's a book on
indian lore.

Here, you'd better take
this, 99, and see if you
can learn anything.

Right.

Now, let's see.

Exactly where is
that indian reservation?

Right over there,
about two miles.

[ drums beating ]

Indian drums.

Can you tell
what they're
saying, max?

I'm not sure,
but whoever it is,

He's got a great
left hand.

Oh, I wish we
knew what was going
on in there.

Let the drums
be silent.

[ drumming stops ]

Red cloud, why have
you gathered us here?

I have issued
an ultimatum.

If it is not answered
within 48 hours

A state of w*r
will exist.

- Both: w*r?
- Is it the chinese?

- No.
- The russians?

- No.
- Who then?

The united states.

The united states
is a neutralist nation.

They have taken our land.
They must give it back.

Red cloud,
this is bad medicine.

The united states has
three million soldiers,

We have but 200 braves.

We must depend
heavily on the element
of surprise.

Now, our one
big advantage

Is that nobody
knows we're here.

- [ g*nsh*t ]
- [ 99 gasps ]

Cancel one
advantage.

Don't worry.
I know how to
handle indians.

How!

Get off your horse.
You, come over here.

Hurry.

You are trespassing
on indian territory.

For that you must pay.
Red cloud will decide
the penalty.

Are you one of
red cloud's men?

No, I am from another tribe.
But I am on my way

To the red feathers'
camp to take part
in a ceremony.


To the w*r council.

We can't let
him go or he'll
give us away.

- Come.
We go to red cloud.
- Stand back, 99.

Don't make any
moves you'll be
sorry for, my friend.

You see, I happen
to be greased lightning
with these.

And I am also pretty fast
with these too.

Come, we go
to red cloud.

Max, what about
plan 26-e?




Plan 26-e?

Yes, what is
plan 26-e?

Uh, why don't you
show him, 99?

Oh, all right, 86.

- It's this!
- [ Groans ]

- Quick thinking, 86!
- Good work!

- Yes, I've always
loved plan 26-e.
- So have i.

Not me.

Here's my
plan, 43.

I'm going to
change clothes
with this indian.

That will give me
a cover to get onto
the reservation.

- An excellent plan.
- Thank you.

Now if one of you
will help me get
his clothes off,

The other can
turn their back.



I think it will
work a lot better
the other way around.

Come in, 99.
Can you hear me?

Perfectly.
Max, please don't take
any unnecessary chances.

I won't.
I think this headgear

Will get me through
the indian lines.

Once inside,
all I want to do is

Stay in the background
and remain inconspicuous.

Oh, I hope agent 43 is watching
that indian carefully.

Don't worry, 99.


You're worth
two 43s, 86.

Come on.

You must
let me go.

Relax, you aren't
going to any w*r
council tonight.

w*r council?
I am betrothed to
red cloud's daughter.

I go to my wedding.

Look, red cloud.

Ah, the tapawassi!

Ah, the tapawassi!

Ah yes,
the tapawassi.
Where?

You, tapawassi.

Oh, yes, of course.
I am the tapawassi.

Fine tapawassi.

Quick, look up tapawassi.

Tapawassi, um...

- Betrothed.
- Look up betrothed.

Max...

Ah, my future
son-in-law.

I come many moons
over high mountains
through--

Son-in-law?

I offer you my
sincere felicitations.

Thank you,
I've had a long
dusty trip.

I think I'll just
go out and clean up.

[ Chuckles ]
dad.

One moment.

Running creek,
my daughter white cloud
has been awaiting you.

I am sure there is
much to talk about.

Hello,
running creek.

Uh, I come many moons
over great mountains

Through deep rivers
to see white cloud.

I join my father
in extending a most
gracious welcome to you.

Thank you, white cloud.
I wonder, could you direct
me to the main tent?

Running creek,
where have you
been these many years?

Well, I've been
visiting the great
cities of the east.

Tell me, white cloud, what
are all the preparations
going on in camp?

Oh, my father's
bent on conquest.

He wants to overthrow
the united states.

He has a secret w*apon
in his w*r tent.

Well, your father
would be making
a big mistake

To go to w*r with
the united states.

- Many people could get hurt.
- What can I do about it?

Yes, well, I don't know,
white cloud, but maybe
you could take me

To the big tent and I could
talk them out of using
the secret w*apon.

We've been separated
all these years

And all you can do
is talk to me about
w*r and secret weapons?

That's the way
it goes sometimes.

What kind of
tapawassi are you?

What kind?
Well, I've asked myself
that question many times.

I suppose I'm just
an average tapawassi.

Show me the signs
of indian affection

A tapawassi should
show his beloved.

Signs of--
well, perhaps later,
white cloud.

No, now.
If you want my help

The least you can do
is be nice to me.

Speak to me in
the language of the tapawassi
or I'll scream.

Shh.
Don't scream.

I'll be glad to
talk to you

In the language
of the tapawassi.

The tapawassi used
descriptive language

To compare his squaw
with the beauties of nature.

Uh, lovelier than
the golden sunset
are you.

The indian lover shows his
regard for his squaw by...

Taking her hand...

Stroking her hair...

And kissing her
on the...

Elbow.

- Elbow?
- Elbow.

Running creek!

Your years spent
in the great cities
of the east

Have turned you into
a real weirdo.

Uh, white cloud, I brought
something for you.

- What is it?
- Well, close your mouth
and open your eyes

And the tapawassi will
give you a big surprise.

[ Muffled shriek ]

An old trick,
white cloud, but
it's very effective.

As a matter of fact,
they pulled it on me
just last week.

[ Muffled screaming ]

Sorry about that,
white cloud.

Where are you going?

What is that?

If I didn't know better,
I would say it was
an electric snake.


The w*r tent.

The indians have
rigged up some sort
of m*ssile system here.

Uh, I'm going to
take some pictures.

[ men chattering ]


I think it's the w*r council.

I've got to
get out of here.

This is w*r tent.

Electronics.
Don't touch.

Gentlemen,
chiefs,

Be seated.

I welcome all tribes
to council of w*r.

Project red feathers
is ready to strike.

i have but to
press a button

And that projectile
will go straight to
america's heart.

Wait!
Shouldn't we
talk this over?

No, the time for
talk has passed.

Will it be w*r
or peace?

- [ muttering ]
- chiefs...

Cast your vote.

w*r or peace.

w*r or peace?

Cast.

Cast your vote.

Two for w*r
and two for peace.

I shall throw
the deciding vote.

Max:
ouch.

Hi, dad.

Now listen, about
the honeymoon...
I think white--

Silence!
And you my future
son-in-law,

How could
you do such a thing?

Seize him!

Wait, father,
what are you
doing?

This man is an imposter.
We are going to k*ll him.

Oh, I know
he's an impostor,

But he's cute,
and I want him.

Look at that.

Oh, so what
if he's vain?

A little makeup
doesn't mean anything.

He is not even
your tapawassi.

You're right.
I'm maxwell smart,
secret agent 86.

t*rture him.
k*ll him.

I am also
a liar.

Couldn't I have him
for a little while?

Yeah, dad,
a half-hour isn't
going to hurt anybody.

After we're
through with him.

Couldn't you work it
the other way around?

Please, father.

Well...

Maybe for


Then we t*rture
him later.

Now we go
to my teepee.

Good. Does your
father have a watch?

Stick 'em up!

Now, she shows up.

Can't you come back
in 15 minutes?

Max, you don't
have to have
your hands up.

All of you.
Get away from him.

You, get
furthest away.

Max, look!

I will not be
denied my vengeance on
the united states.

Wait a minute,
red cloud, I have
something to tell you.

I'm sure if
you listen what
I have to say,

- You'll change your mind
about pressing that button.
- Speak quickly.

Now listen, red cloud,
we've always had great respect
for the noble red man.

Let's think
of the past.

Remember when you roamed
these great plains
with your buffalo.

And then came our settlers,
and then our solders--

Uh, maybe we'd better
forget about the past.

The present--
that's what counts,
the present.

Let's look at the present.
Look what we've given you
in the present.

These nice, tiny
little reservations--

Uh, let's talk about
the future, red cloud.

Now, if we take
the promises of the past,

And join them
with the polices
of the present,

Then there is only one
thing left to say.

Let 'er rip,
red cloud.

[ Engine roaring ]

That's the second
biggest arrow I've
ever seen.

It may interest you to
know that red cloud's
enormous arrow

Is now on display
in the west wing of
the white house.

No kidding, chief.
Where did it land?

In the west wing
of the white house

I have a surprise
for you.

The newly-appointed
undersecretary

Of the interior
for indian affairs

Is here to present
you with an award.

I travel over
high mountains,

Across wide rivers
to bring you medal
from my people.

Red cloud!

Tapawassi,
mr. Red cloud.

Now, about
my daughter.

Uh, gee, dad,
I love your hat.

But what ever happened
to the one with the horns?

[ theme music playing ]