01x12 - My Nephew the Spy

[bunniefuu]

Sorry, sir,

But that only
comes in brown.

Oh.

Well, I think
these will be fine.

Uh, one of them
is a little tight.

- The left one.
- Yes.

- In the back.
- That's right.
How did you know?

You forgot to remove
the shoehorn.

how do they
feel now?

A little loose.
I think I'd better
put that back.

Sir, you've been
in here over
an hour now.

An hour?that's funny.
It seems like only
about 10 minutes.

You must be
good company.

You've tried on
just about everything
in the store.

What's that in
the box over there
on the counter?

My lunch.would you
like to try that on?

Sir, look...
Why don't you
come back next week?

We're getting a whole
new shipment in then.

No, I think
these will be fine.
I'll wear them home.

Just take my
old shoes and put
them in a box.

What's keeping you?
I need your help
with this code.

That fool out there--s
I've tried everything
to get rid of him.

Well, hurry.
Kaos is paying us

To smuggle information,
not sell shoes.

[ telephone ringing ]

Your box
is ringing.

[ telephone
continues ringing ]

It's the shoe.

- A telephone.
- Don't answer it.

But all day long
I'll wonder
who called.

There's only
one man I know of

Who has a telephone
concealed in his shoe.

That's a control agent
by the name of
maxwell smart.

You mean
that's smart
out there?

- Think he's wise to us?
- Why else is he here?



There's only
one problem.

They only
come in brown.

Well look, why don't you
meet me at my apartment,

And we'll go to dinner
and the concert
from there?

Good, oh and 99,

Tell the chief
I'm still looking
for the spy ring.

No, nothing yet.
I just have no idea
where they are.

Right.
See you later.

He must know this
is our headquarters,

Unless it's just
a crazy coincidence.

We can't afford
to take any chances.

Here's your
old pair, sir.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

And please,
call again.

Couldn't get him.
Customer.

All right,
let me have it.

Now you stay here
and don't worry.

I'll get smart.

[ theme music playing ]

Hi, chief.

Max, what happened
to you?

Some guy tried
to run me down
in a car.

Luckily, I jumped aside
just in the nick of time,

- And leaped for
his running board.
- What happened?

They don't make
running boards anymore.

Max, what have
you found out about
kaos's headquarters?

Isn't that top security
information, chief?

Yes, max.

You don't expect me
to talk about it

Right out here
in the open like this?

i demand
the cone of silence.

Max, do we have to?

Well, with vital
information like this,

Of course
we have to, chief.

Okay, you win, max.

Hodgkins,
lower the cone
of silence.

- Now what did
you find out?
- Nothing.

Hodgkins, raise
the cone of silence.

If you had nothing
to report, why did you
insist on lowering that?

Well, chief,
rule 13 says
that if you have--

Max, why do you
always have to live
by the rules?

Because rule 27 says

That you must always live
by the rules of the book.

All right, never mind.
Someday I'll learn.

It's all right there
in the book, chief.

- all you have
to do is look.
- max.

Don't think
I haven't made
progress on this case.

I've been working
on it day and night.

And I've checked out
every single

- Suspicious character
in this city.
- And?

I have everything,
all the information,
right here in my dial-a-fact.

- Your what?
- My dial-a-fact, chief.

It's a little something
that I built in the lab.

It's a great thing
for secret agents

- Who are tired
and on the go.
- How does it work?

It's really
quite simple, chief.

You see, I just
dial a letter for
the information I want.

For example,
I dial "a."

There we are,
right at my
fingertips.

Now "a" is
for assassins.

This lists all
the kaos assassins known
all over the world.

It's very ingenious, max.

Now, let's try "b."

There we are.
"B" is for birthdays.

This lists the birthdays
of secret agents all
over the world.

And the birthday presents
I sent them.

That's amazing, max.

Yes,"c" is
for codes,

And "d" is for
secret-letter drops
and so forth.

Marvelous.
What does "e"
stand for?

Everything.

Are you
all right, chief?

It's just a slight
headache, max.

Oh, another one
of those, huh?

I have just
the thing for it.
"H" for headaches.

No, max.
Never mind.
Just sit down.

As you know, max,
control keeps a tight
security rein

on the friends
and relatives of
all our agents.

Now we've received
a report that your
aunt bertha and uncle abner

Are coming to town
to surprise you.

Oh, that will
be a surprise.

If they find out
that you are
a control agent

And spread the word,

You will be of
absolutely no value
to us any longer.

- Chief--
- I just want
to impress upon you

The importance of keeping
your occupation a secret
from your uncle and aunt.

I'm sorry, but that's
the way it has to be
until they leave town.

- now what's your
cover story?
- which one?

The one you gave
your uncle and aunt.

What did you tell them
you were doing for a living?

Oh my gosh, chief.
I don't remember.

You don't remember?

what about
the files, chief?

Don't we keep
a full record of all
the cover stories?

Right. Just let me get
my copy of the cover file.

Max, do you have
a match to melt
this seal with?

- Sure.i'll do it
for you, chief.
- Thank you.

There's nothing
in here, chief.

That's right.
Those papers were lost
in that fire we had

- In the filing room last year.
- Yes, I'd forgotten
about that fire.

We never did find out
how that was started.

No we didn't.
We suspected
it was sabotage.

I'll get it,
chief.

It was probably
kaos, chief.

They always have
been jealous

Of our neat
filing system.

These things
certainly do get started
mysteriously, don't they?

Not too mysteriously.

Don't worry about
my cover story, chief.

A little clever questioning
of uncle abner

And I'll get all
the information I need.

What counteroffensive
devices do you have
in your apartment, max?

well, let's see now...

Roll-up rug,
cargo net,

- Desk drawer...
- what's that?

Oh, you know
the desk drawer, chief.
Press the button

On the lamp, and the drawer
comes out and hits you
in the stomach.

Oh yes.
What else?

- Uh, seltzer bottle.
- before your aunt
and uncle arrive,

Be sure you deactivate them
so as not to arouse
their suspicion.

Here are some leads
on kaos headquarters
that I got from 99.

- Be sure and memorize them
and destroy them.
- Right, chief.

Max...

I'm being
careful, chief.

Max!

I'll get it,
chief.

[ Whistling ]

One of these days
I've got to get that
closet cleaned out.

Okay, now
it's my turn.

On second thought
I think I'll skip
my turn.

Smart,
kaos wants
you destroyed.

Oof.

[ knocks on door ]

Who is it?

Woman:
surprise...
aunt bertha.

Man:
and uncle abner.

Uh, I'll be
with you in a minute,

As soon as I get
out of the rug.

- Bertha: the what?
- eh, the tub.

Bertha:
be sure to dry
your hair.

Hold it.

All right.
Sit down.

Down.

I'm going to have
this g*n in my pocket
at all times,

So you'll be
completely covered.

As far as my
aunt and uncle
are concerned,

You and I are
old army buddies.
Have you got that?

Yeah,
we flew together
in the luftwaffe.

Right.

No, that's
the wrong side.

Aunt bertha, uncle abner,
what a wonderful surprise.

Didn't I tell you
he'd be surprised?

Uh, what brings
you to town?

What brings us to town?
Tell him, abner.

Nice place you've
got here, max.

Who's that,
a friend of yours?

Eh, yes, this is
one of my old army
buddies, uncle abner,

One of my
dearest friends,

- Irving.
- Victor.

- Victor irving.
- How do you do?

- How was your trip?
- Our trip?

Oh, tell him,
abner.

Good-looking desk
you've got here, max.

How do you
turn on the lamp?

Uh, just press
that button.

Oh.

Don't press
that button.

What's wrong
with pressing
a little button?

What was that?

Just a little device
for busy executives.

It hardens
the stomach muscles.

What won't they
think of next?

Anybody want
a drink?

What's that for?
The head muscles?

What do you do
for a living now,
maxwell?

I think he designs
amusement parks.

What do
you do, max?

Oh, uh,
same old thing.

Of course,
I was promoted
since I saw you last.

Promoted to what?

Eh, what was I
before?

- Before what?
- Before I was promoted.

You weren't
the president
of the company.

Well, I'm not
the vice president.

I don't think
I understand.

It's a complicated
business.

- Very much like yours,
wouldn't you say?
- Very.

Eh, what is your
business, uncle abner?

I'm retired.

I suppose
you people are very
tired and want to unpack.

- Where are you staying?
- We don't know yet.

Oh, max wouldn't
permit you to stay

Anyplace but here.
He'd be very insulted.

Thank you, maxwell.
Didn't I tell you,
abner?

[ knocks on door ]

Somebody's
at the door.

I'll answer it.

- Don't anybody move.
- Why not?

Eh, it's just that
you make such a nice
family picture.

- Hello, max.
- Shh.

I've got a kaos spy
on my hands.

My aunt and uncle
are here and I've got
to cover my identity.

I'll wait out here.
You let him out
and I'll arrest him.

- Right.
- Right.

- Who was that, maxwell?
- Just the maid, aunt bertha.

I told her I wouldn't
need her today.

The place is a mess.
I'll call her back.

aunt bertha, wait.
wait a minute.

Ohh.

You're the maid?

Uh, the maid?

Yes, I'm the maid.

I was just
dusting the crack
under the door.

Boy, what you
must get an hour.

You see, I was
just on my way
to a party,

And I thought
I'd stop by
and ask mr. Smart

if I could skip
his apartment today.

That's right, aunt bertha,
and I told her it was okay.

As a matter of fact,
why don't you

Take my friend victor
along with you?

- Good idea!
- No no, I can't go.

- What would my wife say?
- She can come with us.

- She's in the hospital
having a baby.
- Take them both along.

Bertha:
there will
be no parties.

If you're paid to clean,
you'll clean.

Oh, I can't
do that.

- you can't?
- no.

I'm going to go
right down to the manager
and have you fired.

Now you wouldn't
do that?

Uh, yes, I'm afraid
she would.

Uh, it's all right,
I'm sure she'd be
glad to clean.

[ Whispering ]
we've got to stall

- Till we get
victor out of here.
- All right.

Maxwell, where do
you keep your
cleaning things?

Uh, upstairs
in the utility room,
aunt bertha.

Come along, here.

The very idea
of thinking about

Going to a party
until you've finished
your cleaning.

You'll not leave
this apartment until
it's spick-and-span.

Excuse me,
I'm going in the kitchen
and get a glass of water.

I'll go with you.
I'm a little thirsty myself.

No, stay here and chat
with your uncle.

I'll bring you
a glass of water.

No, you don't know
what kind of water
I like.

I mean,
you don't know
where the faucet is.

In most apartments
it's over the sink.

Around here
I wouldn't bet on it.

I'll stay and chat
with your uncle.

You bring me
a glass of water.

I propose we both
go to the kitchen.

There's something I'd like
to discuss with you.

Excuse us,
uncle abner.

Come on, come on, hurry up.
We've got lots to do.

First we'll start
with the window
right over here.

And then
we're going to do
the floors.

Now the only way to do
the floors is on your
hands and knees.

All right,
put down the bucket.
Come on, sit down here.

That's it.

Now this is the only way
to do the windows.

Bertha, come here
a minute.

This is certainly
a peculiar apartment.

Yes, and maxwell's
acting very strangely.

Did you notice
he never takes his hand
out of his pocket?

I wonder if
he hurt himself.
Poor thing...

Uh, uncle abner,
why don't you
and aunt bertha

Take your things
and go on upstairs?

Why not?
We've been on all
the rides down here.

Max, shall I
take him in?

Good idea, 99.

Aunt bertha,
the maid's through
with the window.

- No.
- good.
you've finished.

- Listen, I've really--
- upstairs next.

All right, victor,
let's go, move out,
come on.

I'm calling control
and having you
taken in,

So you might as well tell me
where your headquarters
is right now.

Oh, so you
don't know.

Max, can I move your clothes
from one side of the closet
to the other?

Go right ahead,
uncle abner.

Thank you.

Eh, uncle abner,
aren't you going
to ask about this?

All right,
hold it.

All right, victor.
You and I are going
downtown.

Get your hands up
and don't move.

The little game
is over.

Bertha:
don't you argue
with me.

The game is on again.
Put your hands down
and don't move.

First you'll mop
the floor.

Then I want
two coats of wax.

- No!
- What?

Uh, one coat of wax
will be fine,
aunt bertha.

Maxwell,
where do you
keep your towels?

Upstairs in
the linen closet,
aunt bertha.

- Oh, what's this?
- Uh--

- Ooh.
- Bye,everybody.

[ phone ringing ]

Max, your shoe
is ringing.

Take a message,
uncle abner.

- Something terrible
is happening.
- [ Ringing continues ]

I know.
He must be mixed up
in something bad.

- He's either
a bookmaker or a gambler.
- Or a musician.

- We'd better follow him.
- Oh, do you think
we should?

We owe it to the family,
after all, he is your
sister's son.

My sister's son?
I thought he was
your sister's son.

I don't think so.
I hope not.

I don't care
about aunt bertha
and uncle abner.

All I know is that
kaos is not going
to appreciate the fact

That you bungled
the opportunity
to k*ll smart.

Smart poses no threat to us.
He's so busy covering up
from his aunt and uncle

He doesn't have time
to find our headquarters.

- Maxwell.
- Aunt bertha, uncle abner,
what are you doing here?

Why didn't you
tell us you worked
in a shoe store?

Eh, I thought
you knew.

Now I'm here,
I might as well
get a pair of shoes.

I know a great
shoe store.
Come on.

- What's the matter
with this one?
- We can't fit you here.

But you don't
know his size.

Exactly why we
can't fit you.
Come on.

Max, do you mean
you don't want
to wait on me?

[ Whispering ]
please be seated.

Now exactly what
did you have in mind?

Black oxford,


Black oxford,


I'll see if
we have any.

How do you like that?
He really works here.

Yes, and it's
a very nice store.

It certainly is.

Why are we whispering?

[ footsteps approaching ]

What's wrong?

Nothing.
Why?

Okay, here it is.
Let's go.

Don't I
get a chance
to try it on?

I tried it on.
It fits perfectly.

- Doesn't he
get two shoes?
- Two shoes?

Yes, he hates
to hop.

[ Smacks ]

Is that you,
herman?

- That's funny.
- What is it?

There's something
strange going on here.

that's the second time
this has happened.

Come on.

Victor.

Uh, aunt bertha,
uncle abner.

We didn't know
you worked in
this store too.

Too?

Yes, maxwell
never told us
that you both

- Worked in the same store.
- Where is max?

He's in the backroom
getting me my other--

Hello, chief?
Max, listen--

All right, smart.

Excuse me, chief.
I'll have to call
you back later.

Hold it, hold it.
There are people
out there.

Let's see, that was 9c
wasn't it?

They must have
a big call for 9c.

[ Gasps ]

- 9C.
- Abner: max...

If it will make it
any easier for you,
I'll take an 8d.

Right.

Hello, chief?

This is max.

Their headquarters
is in larsen's
shoe store.

Right, chief.

The information
was written in code on
the inside of the shoes.

As a matter of fact,
when my uncle abner
leaves the store,

He will be wearing
the plans of a deadly
sea-to-air m*ssile.

Right, chief.

Sorry about this,
fellas.

Here you are,
uncle abner.


Black oxfords.

Maxwell, what went on
back there?

Oh, nothing,
aunt bertha.

Just a little
discrepancy
over salary.

Are you all right,
maxwell?

All in a day's work,
aunt bertha.

Max, take your
uncle's advice--

Get out of the shoe business
before it kills you.

Bertha:
i just can't
believe it.

I told you
he was acting funny.

What's the poor thing
going to do for
a living now?

Where will he ever
get another job?

Oh, knowing maxwell,
he'll find

Some other shoe store
full of enemy spies.

Abner, I've got
a wonderful idea.

Why don't you take
him into business
with you?

Recommend him
to a friend?

I know,
why don't you buy
the shoe store?

It would probably
be a steal.

That's not
a bad idea.

And maxwell can
run it for you.

That's not
a good idea.

Morning,
aunt bertha,
uncle abner.

Bertha:
good morning,
maxwell.

Your uncle and I
are so concerned
about your future.

Don't worry
about me,
aunt bertha.

I can take care
of myself.

But maxwell,
what are you
going to do?

Oh.
Well, uh...

I sold
shoes before.

Now I'll sell
something else.

A good salesman
can sell anything.

I could sell
suits,

Or I could sell
lamps,

Or paintings.
Why, I could even
sell couches.

Bertha:
ohh. help!

Ohh.abner,
get me out of here.

Why?
What do you
want to do?

Go on
a ferris wheel?

[ theme music playing ]