01x15 - Survival of the Fattest

[bunniefuu]

[ theme music playing ]

[ middle eastern music
playing ]

- [ music stops ]
- food, more food, I'm
running out of food.

What kind of a hotel
is this?

- [ knocks on door ]
- that's the room service.

[ Chuckles ]

Good afternoon.
I'm bill bamford,

President of
the ramat-american
oil company.

- I'd like
to see prince sully.
- Come in, mr. Bamford.

Good afternoon,
your majesty.

It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm here to welcome you
to the united states.

Thank you.

Your majesty, my company
feels that if you could
get together--

Mr. Bamford,
please, I will discuss
anythingyou wish

As soon as I have
finished my lunch.

- And that will be...
- ...in about four hours.

[ knocks on door ]

- Do you want some help?
- No.it's a refrigerator,
your highness.

Oh, uh, put it
in the corner, please.

Tell me, are all
your american girls
like that?

No, your highness,
some are redheads
and brunettes.

Why don't you
make yourself
at home?

Uh, put your coat
in the closet.

Thank you,
your highness.

This is 86 calling control.
This is 86 calling control.

Come in, control.

Hello, chief?max.
I'm in the prince's
hotel room.

We think there's a plot afoot
to kidnap him so don't let him
out of your sight.

I've checked out
every corner
of the hotel

And there are
absolutely no suspicious
characters anywhere.

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts, screams ]

Carla, the uniform.

Carla, help me
with him.

I'll keep my eye on him
every single minute
of the time, chief.

I only have one message
to report--

"Don't worry."
Repeat: "don't worry."

- What's he doing now?
- Hang on, chief,
I'll see.

Chief, about that message
I just gave you--

Change it to "worry."

Repeat: "worry."

[ theme music playing ]

Max, try to think hard.
What happened in that
hotel room?

How did sully disappear?

there must be some clue
that you overlooked.

I've told you, chief--
nothing unusual happened
in the hotel room,

Except that the prince
never stopped eating

- From the moment I entered.
- of course he didn't,

- He's trying
to gain 35 lbs.!
- Of course--

- Why?
- Max, look, this is ramat,
the prince's country.

Every year his followers
give him his weight in gold.

That's the money
that keeps their
country solvent!

Oh, so it's the survival
of the fattest.

A little play
on words.

If the prince doesn't
weigh 300 lbs....

- No gold.
- And a new faction takes
over the government,

A faction that has already
demonstrated its unfriendliness
to the united states.

Well, chief, then that means
that ramat's oil supply
to the united states

- Will be cut off.
- that's the picture.

Well, then,
if the prince has
been kidnapped...

Why, they'll be
trying to reduce him.

That's right.
We have exactly


Bring him back
and fatten him up
for the weigh-in.

Now, max,
try to think hard.

Isn't there some
little something

That happened
in that hotel room that
you may have forgotten?

Sorry, chief.

I'm afraid
I'll just have
to submit myself...

- To the grill team.
- The grill team?

But they're only used
to get information out
of enemy agents.

We've never used them
on our own men.

I know, chief,
but if they can get
information out of the enemy,

Then maybe they can
get something
out of me.

Maybe there's
an important clue

Locked in my
unconscious mind.

[ Grunts ]

Agent 86, you must
remember something.

Water, water--

- I've gotta have some water.
- Here, max.this'll help.

Don't give me
any water, chief!

How do you expect me
to break down
and talk?

Sorry, max,
I just can't think
of you as an--

- As an enemy agent.
- [ Pants ]

There must be something,

There must be something
unusual that I missed.

Please hit me
just once more.

But, max, I can't.

My hand's beginning
to hurt.

Please, once more,
for control.

Max, think
very clearly--

Did anything
unusual happen
in the hotel room?

I've tried to tell you


Nothing unusual
happened!

The prince was
sitting on the sofa;
and the harem girl;

And the bodyguard
was serving the food;

And the chambermaid
carried in the refrigerator.

All three:
the chambermaid
carried in the refrigerator?

Hold it, chief,
I just remembered
something unusual.

The chambermaid carried in
the refrigerator.

The chambermaid
with superstrength--

[ Snaps fingers ]
of course, mary "jack"
armstrong.

Right.who?

Mary jack armstrong,
the strongest female counterspy
in the world.

Max, you've got to be
especially careful.

She is gorgeous
and deadly.

So am i.

Yes, slip
on this coat,
mr. Smart.

Now, look
look look--

[ Chuckles ]
we've sewn a homing
device in this shoulder.

I'll turn it on by
pressing the button.

It will let us know
where you are at all times.

Oh, you mean
I just do this.

Oh, now you've
turned it off.

Leave it off, max,
until you find out
where the prince is.

- Then activate it,
and we move in.
- right, chief.

And here is a new necktie
for you, mr. Smart.

An avocado tie
with a grey suit?

Well, I suppose this
will make me #11.

- #11?
- yes, chief.

I am one of the
in the country.

Oh, no no no,
this is a very popular
shade among scientists,

And it's no ordinary tie.
It's actually a container.

Now this liquid
is a newly-developed

Instant truth serum.

- Pour it in like this...
- [ Trickling ]

The liquid goes
through the tube
in the back of the tie,

And when you turn

The spigot
on the clasp,

The liquid flows out.
[ Whistles ]

If you can get this serum into
something that mary jack
armstrong will drink,

You can find out
immediately where she's
got the prince c*ptive.

But you only have
about 15 seconds
to question her

- Before she'll lose
consciousness.
- Got ya, chief.

Chief, did you make
my hotel reservations?

Yes, you have the same
room the prince
occupied.

I think you'll
be able to contact them
from there.

The hotel
is only two blocks
from here,

So if anything goes wrong
we'll be there within
a minute.

Now, max, this is
a dangerous one.

This woman is ruthless
and a potential k*ller.

You'll be risking
your life every moment.

And...

Loving it.

It's imperative
we continue to reduce
the prince's weight

For another 48 hours.

By that time
nothing will help.

I'm going downstairs
to see what smart
is up to.

[ knocks on door ]

Come in.

Where would you
like this, sir?

I'm afraid
you've made a mistake.
I didn't order any champagne.

Well, it's compliments
of the hotel-- you are
our one-millionth guest.

Oh, really?i didn't know
the hotel was that big.

Is there anything else
I can do for you, sir?

Uh...

[ Grunting ]
you don't happen
to have...

- A corkscrew, do you?
- Oh, I'll do it
for you, sir.

Here you are.

Is there anything
else I can do?

Oh, well,
as long as
you're here,

Why don't you have
a drink with me?

I have no one else
to drink with.

It would be
my pleasure, sir.

There you are.
I don't believe
I caught your name.

- Mary.
- Mary.ah!

"Mary" is a grand
old name.

Well, mary, here's
to your strength--

Uh, your health.

- Thank you, mr....
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh... Bill bamford,

- President of the ramat-
american oil company.
- I've seen mr. Bamford.

He's a tall
with grey hair.

- he was a guest
in the hotel once.
- oh.

Well, how about
fred lamister, munitions?

- I think
I've seen him.
- Oh.

Harry schlurb,
toy manufacturer?

- Well...
- Mervin gribbs, calling-
card manufacturer?

- I've never met
the man.
- Ah!

Then meet
mervin gribbs.

Here, let me fill
your glass for you.

Here we are.

Oops, I'm
terribly sorry.

Could you get a towel
for me, please?

Oh, yes.

[ Fizzing ]

- Here you are, sir.
- Oh.thank you very much.

Oh, there you are.

Won't you
sit down, please?

Is there
anything wrong?

Uh, well, no.
Uh, the wine seems
a little strong.

I think it's trying
to escape.

Oh.



That was
a turbulent year.

You seem to know
a great deal
about wine.

As a matter of fact,
I sort of pride myself

On trying to know
a little bit about
everything--

Wine, women, food.

- What about art?
- Art?

I've often wondered
who painted that picture
on the wall behind you.

I've never been
able to make out
the signature.

- What picture?
- There.

Well, I'm not
quite sure,

But I think it probably
was the same artist

That painted that picture
over there in the corner.

How clever of you
to notice.

Then he probably was
the same artist

Who was responsible
for that picture
over the desk.

- What picture?
- That one.

- Do I have to look?
- Yes.

[ Scrapes ]

- Is it my turn?
- Yes.

Okay.

Well, shall we
drink up?

Well, mary jack
armstrong,

It looks like
I've had the last switch.

- Does it?
- Yes.

And in exactly five seconds,
when that drug takes effect,

You will tell me exactly
what I want to know.

You will tell me--

My name is maxwell smart,
secret agent 86,

And I was sent here
by control to rescue
the prince

And fatten him up for the
weigh-in, and you'll never
get anything out of me.

It's wearing off.

- Where am i?
- You're in my private
massage parlor

And reducing salon
on the top floor
of the hotel.

Well, I'll just take
a little rubdown

And a few laps
on the bike

And then I'm afraid
I'll have to leave.

Very funny, mr. Smart.
And don't try to get free.

You'll only hurt yourself
if you struggle.

Later on
we'll dispose of you.

Is there anything else
you'd like to say?

Yes.you're all
under arrest.

Mr. Smart, I don't
think you understand.

You are my prisoner,
and the only reason
you're still alive

Is because now that
we know control is
on our trail

you can help us
to lead them down
a blind alley.

What are you
doing to the prince?

merely getting him
in shape for the weigh-in.

Carla, what is
his weight?

He's down
to 274 lbs.

Max:
are you all right,
prince sully?

Yes, but I can feel
myself getting thinner.

Well, hang on, your majesty,
and think fat.

Release him.

you may lower
your hands,
mr. Smart.

I can't.my shoulders
are locked.

Rhonda, fix
mr. Smart's shoulder.

There!

Now, mr. Smart,
you will telephone
your chief,

And you will give him
some information as
to where you are--

Information that will be,
of course, totally false.

And what if I refuse?

Then I shall make you
do it.

You and who else?

Got an answer
for everything,
haven't you?

Take mr. Smart
to the phone.

now be very careful,
mr. Smart.

One wrong word,
and rhonda and carla

Will see that
it's your last.

All right,
just what is it
you want me to say?

Merely tell your chief
that everything is
all right,

You've discovered
nothing so far,

And you will call him
back if you do.

- Hello?
- Max?

- Yes, chief.
- What's going on?
Are you all right?

I'm fine, chief.
You know me-- never
any problems.

He must be
in trouble.

We just want you
to know that you're doing
a wonderful job, max,

And that you
deserve a big pat
on the shoulder.

- A pat on the shoulder?
- That's right, smart,

A pat on the shoulder.

Uh...

Okay, chief, and don't
worry about a thing.

i don't need any more help
on this case

than I did
on my last case.

Parker, how many men
do we have?

- Okay, what now?
- Nothing.

You're free to watch us
reduce the prince,
if you like.

Carla and I are going
to turn the machine up
all the way.

Rhonda will tend
to your needs.

Watch him.

You know, it's getting
awfully chilly in here.

Uh, would you mind
if I put on my coat?

Why not?

Thank you.

Ah, that feels
much better.

- [ Beeping ]
- oh, chief, smart's
signal just went on.

Get a reading
on his location.

- What did you
do that for?
- Hmm?

What did I do
what for?

You slapped
your shoulder.

- I did?
- Yes,

Right here.

- It just went off.
- What?

The signal is gone!

You mean, I just
picked up and...

Slapped my shoulder
like this?

There must be
something reason why
you keep doing this.

To tell you
the truth,

It's kind of a little
nervous habit
with me.

Look, it's my
nervous habit,
not yours.

[ Falters ]
what do you think
it's happening?

[ Sighs ]
I don't know.

Could he be
playing leapfrog?

There we are.

North...
Northwest.

There.there.
I think this is it.

Listen, rhonda, you look
like a sensible girl.

I think you and I
can make a deal.

What are you trying
to say, mr. Smart?

You let me escape

And I'll see that
you get off easy.

- How easy?
- Well, I can't make
any promises,

But I can tell you
this much:

The law has
a very soft spot
in its heart

For big
beautiful spies.

- Mary jack!
- yes?

Smart wants me
to help him escape.

Oh, he does?
Well, lock him
in the steam room--

A little 150 heat
ought to soften him up.

Come on!

- Get in, smart.
- Come on.

[ Carla screams ]

All right,
mary jack armstrong,

You and I are
gonna take a little trip
down to control headquarters.

You don't expect me
to fall for that old trick,
do you?

- There's nothing in there
but your hand.
- All right,

Get your hands up
and don't make any
sudden moves.

Now, mr. Smart,
I'm gonna break you
in half.

What happened?!

The old
finger-in-the-g*n trick.

That's the second time
I've used it
this month.

Pretty clever,
don't you think?

All right,
mary jack,
let's go.

Into the steam room!
Come on, move out!

[ Grunts ]

[ Sighs ]

What kind of a g*n
is that, mr. Smart?

It's a .22-caliber finger--
fires two sh*ts.

[ rumbling ]

All right,
stay where you are.
Don't anybody move!

Your finger's empty,
mr. Smart.

That's where you're wrong,
mary jack.

I still have
one shot left.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

No, I don't.

You have become
a nuisance, mr. Smart.

And you know what I do
with nuisances?

You ignore them
and hope they'll go away?

- wrong.
- wrong.

You don't ignore them
and hope they'll
go away.

Wrong.

- Wrong again.
- i dispose of them

- Once and for all!
- That was my next
guess.

Carla, rhonda.

Now wait a minute,
mary jack--

Come on,
the window.

Chief:
drop that agent!

Take those two
down to headquarters.
Leave her.

- Good work, max.
- [ Groans ]

Thank you, chief,
but I wish you would be

A little more careful
with your choice
of words.

You know, they could
have dropped me
the other way.

Sorry about that, max.

Listen, chief,
I don't know what we're
gonna do with mary jack.

There's no prison built
that can hold her.

She's the strongest,
toughest, most vicious
opponent

I've ever faced
in my entire life.

Hello, mary.

Mary?

Hello, thaddeus.

Um, I'm the chief now.

Oh, that's wonderful.
I didn't know you'd
been promoted.

Well, of course
we couldn't publish it.

I've tried to write
to you, but the--

Well, the only address
I had was "care of kaos."

Well, it's been
a long time.

Yes, it has.
You've become

Even more beautiful,
if that's possible.

And you look
rather distinguished.

Well, it's probably
the gray hair.

That will
be all, max.

- I like it.
- Thank you.

Uh, mary,
I don't mean to pry,

But how did
a nice girl
like you

Ever get into
this rotten
business?

Well, thaddeus,
it's a living.

They know each other?

Yes, prince, that's
the wonderful thing

About the espionage
business--

You make friendships
that last forever.

Did the prince get
back to his country
in time, chief?

He made it just in time
for the weigh-in.

Did he make
the 300-lb. Minimum?

Oh, he weighed in
at exactly 240 lbs.

- Then he lost his kingdom.
- No, they gave him
the gold anyway.

How come?

The prince was
in such great shape
physically

From the reducing
machine

That the women of
ramat have made him
a matinee idol.

You're kidding.

Their whole
style is changed.

The entire country
is on a crash diet.

That's wonderful,
chief.

Oh, incidentally,
the prince sent
you a gift

In appreciation of
your services to him
and to his country.

That's very nice
of the prince, chief.

Now, max, you know
the policy of control
on things like that.

Control agents are
not allowed to accept
gratuities.

I know that, chief.
Don't worry,

I'll send it
back tomorrow.

[ middle eastern music
playing ]

Would you believe
the day after tomorrow?

[ theme music playing ]